FFFC 2.24

SKZW

Confession time! Give us the dirty details.

Jens_Hoes

I side eye parents who act like they can't do anything adult related after baby is born. 
I'm not talking the first few months, and I'm not talking about parents who legit have no support (single parent, no family support, multiple jobs, etc(. It bothers me when people act like a baby with no complications or special needs is a reason to never go to dinner, have a girls night, take a vacation, etc. 
Maybe that was an UO? Idk 

WombThereItIs

I have had sex with my husband only once since we made this baby. 

But its not like my sex drive is gone, I DIY several times a week. I just don't feel like all the hassle of having sex. 

Oh and more of a UO but I just had my glucola and I forgot I kind of like it. 

starphish18

@Jens_Hoes Maybe they secretly don't want to do anything anymore? Just speaking from the perspective of an introvert, I could see using that as an excuse if you don't really want to go anyways.

starphish18

WombThereItIs said:

I have had sex with my husband only once since we made this baby. 

But its not like my sex drive is gone, I DIY several times a week. I just don't feel like all the hassle of having sex. 

Oh and more of a UO but I just had my glucola and I forgot I kind of like it. 

Ditto to all of this. I've had sex with my H once while pregnant, but my DIY drive is strong. I hadn't had the glucola drink before, but I honestly thought it was kind of good, or at least definitely not bad. Just tasted like extra sugary fruit punch.

BabyMC517

@WombThereItIs & @starphish18 yep only once here too...but I don't have a sex drive, never got that boost for the second tri! 

My FFFC: I had that phone interview a week ago then find out on Monday that my coworker, but on a different campus, was asked if she would want to do a different position, interviewed that day and was offered the job. I told her I was happy for her (and I am) but at the same time I've been really annoyed and upset about it because I feel like I've gone the right way and she just gets a new position with a massive raise and the job wasn't even posted! Plus she's only been here since the start of last semester (August), well she taught before that but hadn't been at this college for a year or so. Anyway, even thought I'm happy I'm not happy and I secretly wanted to yell at her stop telling me you took it because of the money even though you really like our job, especially when you know my situation! 

That seems more like a vent, but still I've been in a funk all week trying to be nice but secretly seriously annoyed and frustrated...

bacorrea

Jens_Hoes said:

I side eye parents who act like they can't do anything adult related after baby is born. 
I'm not talking the first few months, and I'm not talking about parents who legit have no support (single parent, no family support, multiple jobs, etc(. It bothers me when people act like a baby with no complications or special needs is a reason to never go to dinner, have a girls night, take a vacation, etc. 
Maybe that was an UO? Idk 

Is this your first baby? Sorry I can't remember.

I think that priories just change. Even after "the first few months" life has just drastically changed. A lot of people live off a very strict schedule. Or if your baby gets up at 4:30-5am everyday (mine did even at 10 months) you don't really have the energy for dinner/girls night/whatever at 8pm. I mean I am not saying never will you go out and do dinner vacations etc. But having a baby does make doing all those things harder and more expensive. For example, somebody has to be home to watch baby or hire a babysitter ($$) vacations can be complicated because you have to have places for baby to sleep, plus you have the whole off schedule thing. 
I don't think it's that people can't do those things, I just think that it takes way more time and effort to do those things and it's just not worth it to some people. Especially if your group of friends doesn't have any kids and doesn't get it.


edit to add: I am a SAHM so most of my "girls nights" turn into daytime play dates. I also can't imagine how tiring it is for working momsto be up with your kid every 3 hours and then go be a functional employee and then be expected to go hang out with your friends after coming home from work and feeding the kids/putting them to bed. Again it's just the priorities and responsibilities change.

Jens_Hoes

@bacorrea yes this is my first. Both my SIL have kids and continue to go on trips/go to dinner, as does my other friend who has a 4 year old. 
And I'm not saying kids don't complicate things but if you can't make the effort to go to dinner or lunch or whatever to chat and catch up then why are we friends? 

bacorrea

Jens_Hoes said:

@bacorrea yes this is my first. Both my SIL have kids and continue to go on trips/go to dinner, as does my other friend who has a 4 year old. 
And I'm not saying kids don't complicate things but if you can't make the effort to go to dinner or lunch or whatever to chat and catch up then why are we friends? 

Eh. Maybe we aren't. A 4 year old is WAY different that a 3/2/baby. Some kids still nap at 3. Not all people drastically change their lives, but I think that more often than not friendship can grow apart when one kid has a friend and one doesn't. That's ok though. I would rather have my kids rested/the house clean/dinner on the table then worry about hurting your feelings. But that's just me! I call/text/invite people over but it doesn't always work out. If my friends that don't have kids can't give me some leeway then oh well. 

Edit: Sorry I know this makes me seem like a terrible person that doesn't care about my kid free friends, but again it all goes back to priorities. 

Your priorities and schedules could be way different than mine! That's ok. Everybody is different. I don't want you to think I am telling you, you can't go out and keep all your kid free friends,  but if you lose some, just know it's part of life. It's hard having friends that are at different stages of life ya know? My kid free friends don't want to hear about the pink eye going around daycare or that my kid finally peed on the toilet. Another mom though will celebrate with you. 

RedInLove

Jens_Hoes said:

@bacorrea yes this is my first. Both my SIL have kids and continue to go on trips/go to dinner, as does my other friend who has a 4 year old. 
And I'm not saying kids don't complicate things but if you can't make the effort to go to dinner or lunch or whatever to chat and catch up then why are we friends? 

I feel like the other side of the argument is important to state: If you can't be understanding of your friend's needs and be willing to ride it out with them, why are you friends?

My BFF has a pre-teen, but she remembers the infant and toddler days when she always had DD with her or just couldn't go do ABC. I adjusted to that without batting an eyelash. Now that I have the toddler and am a geographical single parent, she doesn't bat an eyelash either. Sometimes my DD comes to girls dinner. Sometimes I just don't go. My friends don't hold that against me, and if they did then they're not good friends and worth me dropping money on a sitter.

psherman42wwsa

I agree with you @baccorrea and my husband would probably agree with @jens_hoes

My priorities drastically changed when I had a child. He was a terrible sleeper and we had to have him on a strict bedtime and naptime schedule, this definitely annoyed some people but I really didn't/don't care. Also, I recently went back to work full time and the mom guilt is killing me! Whenever people ask me to do things after work or on the weekends away from my son... I just don't want to do it. I don't want to spend any more time away from him than I already do.

I told myself that I wouldn't be "that person" ... the one that has their kids on such a routine that it interferes with their daily life. But now I definitely am that person. It's inconvenient  for me but my son is happy and well rested which makes my life easier.

saric83

lrwardrop said:

Whenever people ask me to do things after work or on the weekends away from my son... I just don't want to do it. I don't want to spend any more time away from him than I already do.

I told myself that I wouldn't be "that person" ... the one that has their kids on such a routine that it interferes with their daily life. But now I definitely am that person. It's inconvenient  for me but my son is happy and well rested which makes my life easier.

All of this!!!  I do still hang out with friends at least twice a month, but that means I don't see lots of friends on a regular basis, but they all get it, and if they didn't, they wouldn't be people I would chose to be in our lives right now.  

Plus, one other thing I didn't really think about before we had DS was that we have a lot of family who want/expect to see him on a regular basis, so with our four sets of parents (who don't get along with each other) and multiple brothers and sisters, it is extremely rare when we have any weekend day that doesn't have plans, so trying to fit in extra time with friends just isn't an option without making us feeling like we're running from one place to another. 

It's a tough balance, and it's all about figuring out what we need to feel and be our best, and that's obviously different for everyone.  I need lots of downtime with just me, DS and DH.  That's where I feel energy and get recharged to deal with anything else in life.  But if you're someone who is recharged by time away with friends, making that a priority is super important. 

Jens_Hoes

My one SIL has a 4 year old, almost 3 year old and a six month old. My other SIL has a six month old as well. 
I am by no means saying people have to do what I want when I want to spend time with them. But they continue to make plans with me throughout each baby. 
My one SIL took a trip with me to Las Vegas when her first was 10 months old. My other SIL had a baby who was incredibly difficult for the first 4 months, crying for hours for seemingly no reason. 
They continue to make efforts to spend time with their childless friends. There are times they can't do certain things bc of their kids and I respect that. But to give a blanket response that they can't do things away from their houses or their schedule is a different thing entirely. 
Maybe the difference is that I have people I'm close with and they make an effort, as do I, to work around one another's life schedules and issues to see one another. 

And I love hearing about my friends/SIL children or frankly anything they're doing in their lives because I care about them and what they're doing (and have always regardless of being pregnant/TTC(

The whole reason this came up for me is that my sister went on a girls trip with her college friends and as they were saying goodbye one said we'll have to do this again, but in 5 years when I'm done having and raising my younger children. I think that is excessive. 

NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot

Man I wish I could still have my kid-free time.  But I live across the country from most of the family and any friends I'd trust to babysit are the friends I want to spend kid-free time with.  We set a goal of getting a babysitter one night a month.  It's been hard because usually that means it's hiring someone we don't know through a sitter app.  We've had a great experience so far, but it was a hard decision to make.  I'm seriously annoyed by kid-free friends who can't understand that difficulty.  

Also, we aren't a slave to nap time because DD doesn't nap anymore, and when she did, I was still a little selfish and tried to be flexible with stroller/car naps.  However, at almost 3 1/2, she still has a curfew.  A few friends are planning a night out on Saturday to do a zombie hunting thing.  I'm sending DH alone since we actually have a sitter tonight (the first in 2 months) and have another event to attend.  Anyway, in an attempt to include me and DD, the kid-less friends proposed dinner at 7pm.  When DH told them that it was too late for DD, no one responded.  Then DH told them that he would attend and DD and I would stay home.  One of them immediately responded, "Great! I"m glad we got that worked out!"  I was pissed for the last 12 hrs.  Thankfully, the other kid-less friend proposed a workable solution for DD and I to also attend, which was awesome of him.

NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot

Jens_Hoes said:

My one SIL has a 4 year old, almost 3 year old and a six month old. My other SIL has a six month old as well. 
I am by no means saying people have to do what I want when I want to spend time with them. But they continue to make plans with me throughout each baby. 
My one SIL took a trip with me to Las Vegas when her first was 10 months old. My other SIL had a baby who was incredibly difficult for the first 4 months, crying for hours for seemingly no reason. 
They continue to make efforts to spend time with their childless friends. There are times they can't do certain things bc of their kids and I respect that. But to give a blanket response that they can't do things away from their houses or their schedule is a different thing entirely. 
Maybe the difference is that I have people I'm close with and they make an effort, as do I, to work around one another's life schedules and issues to see one another. 

And I love hearing about my friends/SIL children or frankly anything they're doing in their lives because I care about them and what they're doing (and have always regardless of being pregnant/TTC(

The whole reason this came up for me is that my sister went on a girls trip with her college friends and as they were saying goodbye one said we'll have to do this again, but in 5 years when I'm done having and raising my younger children. I think that is excessive. 

I went on my first post-kid girls' trip last summer.  I wouldn't want to miss out on food and drink while pregnant, so I haven't done a trip while pregnant.  I won't get another until this LO is at least a year old because I don't feel like pumping through a vacation.  So in 5 years, I'll have had just 1 girls trip.  I'm also not comfortable traveling too far away from my kids if one of their parents aren't home to watch them.  Although DD is great with her grandparents, they live across the country and I think she'd have a lot of separation anxiety if we weren't home for more than a couple of days.  Plus I really enjoy the family vacations we've taken so far.  It's not to say friends with kids shouldn't make an effort.  Believe me, I try.  But it's hard without a local support system.

Hansolosparka

I can't with the MLM "businesses". I feel like if I don't participate in friends parties, challenges, etc. it makes the friendship awkward. I also am bothered that they are mostly marketed to women- like why are we the ones that always need a side hustle?  How many men do you know that sell products on the side?  We should make enough that we can do one job well and make the money we need without having to tap our friend networks for a few extra dollars. 

Flame away!!!

Jens_Hoes

@NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot
that is really all I'm saying, is to make an effort to do something mutually agreed upon together. If people can't make it, it's not like I drop them like it's hot. 
As for your friends not initially trying to make an effort to include you in dinner, I think that's crappy. 

SparkySunDevil

bacorrea said:

Jens_Hoes said:

I side eye parents who act like they can't do anything adult related after baby is born. 
I'm not talking the first few months, and I'm not talking about parents who legit have no support (single parent, no family support, multiple jobs, etc(. It bothers me when people act like a baby with no complications or special needs is a reason to never go to dinner, have a girls night, take a vacation, etc. 
Maybe that was an UO? Idk 

Is this your first baby? Sorry I can't remember.

I think that priories just change. Even after "the first few months" life has just drastically changed. A lot of people live off a very strict schedule. Or if your baby gets up at 4:30-5am everyday (mine did even at 10 months) you don't really have the energy for dinner/girls night/whatever at 8pm. I mean I am not saying never will you go out and do dinner vacations etc. But having a baby does make doing all those things harder and more expensive. For example, somebody has to be home to watch baby or hire a babysitter ($$) vacations can be complicated because you have to have places for baby to sleep, plus you have the whole off schedule thing. 
I don't think it's that people can't do those things, I just think that it takes way more time and effort to do those things and it's just not worth it to some people. Especially if your group of friends doesn't have any kids and doesn't get it.


edit to add: I am a SAHM so most of my "girls nights" turn into daytime play dates. I also can't imagine how tiring it is for working momsto be up with your kid every 3 hours and then go be a functional employee and then be expected to go hang out with your friends after coming home from work and feeding the kids/putting them to bed. Again it's just the priorities and responsibilities change.

Being a parent has turned me into a hermit crab haha. I'm too tired to do much of anything. I work full time, have two (soon to be three) kids, etc. their needs come first, so I often don't have the extra money to do girls nights', etc. many of my friends are the same way. Life just gets crazy. 

MoshiMoshi7

We were the first of our group of friends to have kids and it was definitely a big adjustment for us and for them. I think they assumed that we would just bring the baby along to everything (and I probably assumed that too before I had him) but logistically, it's not worth it a lot of the time. You spend your time taking care of LO and not really getting to socialize anyway and then you have a cranky kid that missed a nap/bedtime and you have to deal with those repurcussions long after your friends get to drift off into a childless sleep.

I'm not saying it can't be done, because it does get easier as they get older (and we are lucky enough to have a lot of family close by) but I think I would have felt a lot less lonely and "left out" if I had adjusted my expectations earlier. 

When you said "adult related things" @Jens_Hoes, I thought you were talking about things like showering in which case, I am a little judgemental. I understand babies are high demand and stressful, especially in the beginning, but I feel like some women are martyrs about it. Putting the baby in the bouncer for ten minutes, even if they're crying, so you can get clean isn't going to have lasting repurcussions on their pysche but will make you feel like a human again.

MrsFreeman2010

I was the first of my friends to have kids but had seen acquaintances who's lives flipped upside down once they had kids, almost to the point that you couldn't recognize them.  DH and I both felt strongly that when we welcomed a little one into our lives we wanted to include them in what we do, not make a completely new life with them. The first few weeks are HARD and I didn't transition well from working up until I delivered to suddenly just being home all the time and at the beck and call of a newborn. I had some post partum depression and felt yucky. But I realIzed that I had completely let go of my life to just survive at the beginning. Once I started getting back out and doing things I felt so much better. We were going on weekend trips when she was about 6 weeks old and have continued to incorporate her in what we do. Ya it takes some planning and a lot more stuff sometimes but it's important that she be apart of who we were before her and we get to make new memories as a family of 3. 

i do know that we are lucky that she was flexible and we do have very supportive family and friends nearby. But I think it worked because it was important to us that our new normal included her in what we do and we started early. 

RainyDays86

I'm the only one of my friends with kids and it has been a hard adjustment but actually I'm with @Jens_Hoes here.  I totally side-eye people who feel like they have to completely give up their social lives/other friends when they have a kid.  Does it get harder? Absolutely!  Do I see my friends less than I would otherwise? Of course!  But it's very important to me to still be "me" even post-baby and part of being me is having time away from the house and with my girlfriends or husband.  I breastfed for a year which definitely made it harder, but I was still able to get out and do things even if just for a few hours, and we took/take DS to many brunches, lunches, and early dinners too.
I also recognize that I'm very lucky and DH and I are able to afford a sitter when we need one, and we also both take turns watching DS so the other can go out with friends.  And I recognize that not everyone wants their social life and pre-kid friends to be a priority and that is ok too!  I guess what bothers me is contributing to this narrative that once you have a kid your life is OVER and everything is different and you're now a slave to diapers and breastfeeding and play-dates.  If you're ok with that then great, but don't make it sound like its a foregone conclusion for every mom.

hp_momma

I see what your saying @Jens_Hoes but I will say that your priorities do drastically change. On the other end of the spectrum I don't at all understand how my SIL can go out every weekend and leave her three kids with a babysitter or my inlaws. In my mind I'm thinking "why did you even have kids if you don't want to spend time with them?" It's not that going out or having a girls night makes you a bad person but it can become excessive and I think those with kids don't quite understand that sometimes I just want to have a night at home with my husband and kids. 
I totally give myself a girls night once a month or so and DH has his golfing, and we might have a date night (rarely) but overall most of our nights are family nights at home and at this point in our lives I'm perfectly ok with that. I know one day far too soon my kids won't want to hang out with me anymore! 

kat81

I ate three pints of ice cream in three days.

kat81

Jens_Hoes said:

I side eye parents who act like they can't do anything adult related after baby is born. 
I'm not talking the first few months, and I'm not talking about parents who legit have no support (single parent, no family support, multiple jobs, etc(. It bothers me when people act like a baby with no complications or special needs is a reason to never go to dinner, have a girls night, take a vacation, etc. 
Maybe that was an UO? Idk 

Totally with you, even though yes this is an UO not a FFC. I also side-eye couples who can't break in two for the night so that ONE of them can do something adult. Especially if you only have one kid, if I invite you out and you can't get a sitter, ONE of you can come out. Even more so if we're neighbors and I invited you to my house or to the local bar. You and your spouse can take turns! (*actually our neighbors are quite good at this and if anything are the other extreme -- they'll put on a baby monitor and have no problem leaving their kids halfway down the block...personally I would not do that because there's nothing you can do in case of a fire.)

We live in the suburbs, and last summer our childless city friends invited us to do something midday that was happening that evening. We were lucky enough to find a sitter, and showed up. All they could do was praise us to no end because they said none of their other friends with kids would ever have been able to do this. At the end of the night they were like, "where are your parked?" and we were like, "no we took public transit" (even though this involved two transfers and some walking) and they got all "WOW!" at us again. People with children can be normal! Suburbs people can be competent in the city!

Oh and FWIW I also give a pass to parents who have kids with special needs. Our son does, though it's not that severe and he'll be fine with a sitter the vast majority of the time. But when you have that added situation it can be harder to find the right care, and is perhaps more taxing on your child to dump them with a sitter, etc.

ChristinaWild

@Jens_Hoes - I'm hopping in a little late on this conversation, but I see both sides! I think one of the hardest things I've encountered is not just priorities shifting, but how your daily time line changes, too. So in order to make sure I'm up and ready for work in time, I get up between 4:45-5. I get my son up around 5:45, get him ready for daycare, and start the day. My work schedule is a 9/80 schedule, so even though I get in at 6:30, I don't get off until 4:30. By the end of the day - I'm beat! So when my friends (childless or not) want to go out to dinner on a Friday night at 8 pm, I usually pass. I'm exhausted by then and ready to crawl into bed myself!  Weekends, unfortunately, aren't easier (at least for me). Add in things, too, like the size of the city I live and how far I have to drive to see my friends, and it just feels so hard!

I do agree that you still have to make an effort, though. It's hard, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm terrible about it. The good thing is that with different social media, you can still keep up with your friends, even if you're not seeing them all of the time. 

My FFFC to sort of build on this - and I'm sorry if this seems offensive - but I think my toddler can be a real asshole. He's so full of energy, and there is no reigning it in. I know he can't help him, and I love him to pieces for all of his craziness. But because of this, I'd honestly rather stay home most of the time, than battle taking him out to dinner with family/friends. Taking him to a restaurant or to someone's house that isn't kid-friendly is exhausting, frustrating and ruins my time with those family/friends!

WombThereItIs

MoshiMoshi7 said:

When you said "adult related things" @Jens_Hoes, I thought you were talking about things like showering in which case, I am a little judgemental. I understand babies are high demand and stressful, especially in the beginning, but I feel like some women are martyrs about it. Putting the baby in the bouncer for ten minutes, even if they're crying, so you can get clean isn't going to have lasting repurcussions on their pysche but will make you feel like a human again.

Oh so much this. I had a non sleeping colic monster nightmare baby and I still made it a point to shower and change my yoga pants daily. in those first few few weeks/months. Feeling slightly human is so key, not to mention with the lochia party your downstairs really needs some frequent cleaning!

I am a bit divided on the babies shouldn't change your life thing. That is where the insomniac colic monster did get to me. I was SO unbelievably exhausted for the first six months, like newborn levels of exhausted, that I couldn't function. When I put baby down at 6:30pm I went to bed too just so I could cobble together maybe 5 hours of sleep over the next 12 hours, the idea of going out for dinner would have had me hysterical because I was still so sleep deprived. Now I know that is hardly the norm and we just had a really hard time but it can take a lot longer to regain normalcy than you think. It isn't like I was too afraid to leave my baby (I was dropping him for half days at daycare while I was on maternity leave just so i could sleep!) but between the demands of nursing, recovering from surgery, and sleep deprivation, a social life just wasn't happening for a while. 

kat81

ChristinaWild said:

My FFFC to sort of build on this - and I'm sorry if this seems offensive - but I think my toddler can be a real asshole. He's so full of energy, and there is no reigning it in. I know he can't help him, and I love him to pieces for all of his craziness. But because of this, I'd honestly rather stay home most of the time, than battle taking him out to dinner with family/friends. Taking him to a restaurant or to someone's house that isn't kid-friendly is exhausting, frustrating and ruins my time with those family/friends!

I think that's kind of the point that @Jens_Hoes and others are making, though. Because toddlers are assholes, we should sometimes leave them with DH or a sitter and go out. It's the only way for people to really interact with us, because otherwise our attention is divided and it's no fun for anyone.

I hear you on the waking up early thing and maybe you just get invited to things more than I do so you have to say "no" more often, but I figure I will deal on a day with 4-5 hrs of sleep in order to do something fun and with adults every once in a while if needed. But yes sometimes you have to say no. Having kids does help you filter out the stupid vs. cool social gatherings for sure!

psherman42wwsa

kat81 said:

I ate three pints of ice cream in three days.

I eat a bowl of ice cream every single night... but wow 3 pints in 3 days, you go girl!

Kipperoo

MoshiMoshi7 said:

When you said "adult related things" @Jens_Hoes, I thought you were talking about things like showering in which case, I am a little judgemental. I understand babies are high demand and stressful, especially in the beginning, but I feel like some women are martyrs about it. Putting the baby in the bouncer for ten minutes, even if they're crying, so you can get clean isn't going to have lasting repurcussions on their pysche but will make you feel like a human again.

Agreed with this 100%. It drives me absolutely CRAZY when I hear things like "oh, I can't remember the last time I took a shower" when someone has a new baby. Put the baby in a bouncer on the floor of your bathroom and give yourself 10 minutes to shower. Or shower while the baby is napping. If you really don't like showering (eww), that's a totally different story, but if you are using your grossness to validate how difficult having a newborn is, I judge you. 

On the babies changing your adult social life, I have to say it just happens...at least to some degree, with everyone. But I do believe you can make an effort to schedule in time to see friends/make trips. An example...every year for the last 7 or so years, we've rented a house somewhere with our friends from NYC and done a big party weekend. The first year DS was around, we took him with us (infants are infinitely more portable than toddlers). But when he got too big for it to make sense (walking, breaking things, needing things to play with and space to run), we switched the party to our house and have since hosted the whole shebang...every year. We do try to get out with friends on a more regular basis, but it does get pricey with sitters when you don't have family near by. And forget trying to go out with the toddler for dinner plans...understandably, no one without kids wants to eat dinner at 5:00 pm to accommodate DS's schedule, so we usually meet up for a beer or something earlier. We have a toddler-friendly beer garden in our area that has been a LIFESAVER for that. So...it IS possible, but you definitely have to adjust your schedules and expectations. 

Kipperoo

ChristinaWild said:

My FFFC to sort of build on this - and I'm sorry if this seems offensive - but I think my toddler can be a real asshole. He's so full of energy, and there is no reigning it in. I know he can't help him, and I love him to pieces for all of his craziness. But because of this, I'd honestly rather stay home most of the time, than battle taking him out to dinner with family/friends. Taking him to a restaurant or to someone's house that isn't kid-friendly is exhausting, frustrating and ruins my time with those family/friends!

THIS....times 1,000,000. It is freaking EXHAUSTING to take my son anywhere these days. 

nda_roxybabe

Here goes:  H and I really don't think having a baby is going to be as difficult as so many people (we're looking at you, family) makes it seem. I am fully prepared to eat my words and will admit if I'm wrong.

ChristinaWild

No, I get it! And trust me - he stays with sitters!!! I am not that parent...if you want to keep my kid, PLEASE KEEP HIM! LOL. I think I meant more in the instances where it's expected that your child will come with you. Case in point - I grew up in Louisiana. My parents, my sister and my brother and his family are all going back there this weekend to celebrate Mardi Gras, and asked if we wanted to come. I felt bad saying no, but the idea of chasing him every where, dealing with tantrums from being over stimulated, trying to get him to sit still while we all go out to dinner or not completely destroy my grandfather's house when we're over there visiting --- and all of this without being able to have a cocktail myself?!?! No, thank you! I think my family is upset that we're not going, but the idea of it was too much.

I'm fully in agreement that you do have to make an effort in order to keep up friendships. It does get harder, but if you don't try, you can't expect others to.

Hansolosparka

@Jens_Hoes I totally agree. I have a two year old and I definitely go out with friends less but there are some people that after they have kids would NEVER go out. Like hanging out without kids is totally off the table. I hate when people bring their young kids with them EVERYWHERE- like baby showers- I feel like it upstages the mom to be and her baby unless they were explicitly invited to bring the kids. But parenting is so personal- the way I see leaving your kid from
time to time as important for sanity and sense of self other people see it the opposite way and I'd never actually say anything to my friends that are like that. i just side eye. 

NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot

nda_roxybabe said:

Here goes:  H and I really don't think having a baby is going to be as difficult as so many people (we're looking at you, family) makes it seem. I am fully prepared to eat my words and will admit if I'm wrong.

If you're family is giving you the "you just wait" speech, than I hope it is super easy for you.  I hate when people say that.  That said, having a kid turned our world upside down.  We're pretty social with or without her in tow. And we've been able to keep up more than some parents I know. But good lord, the sleep deprivation.  And the breastmilk/spit up on every surface of our house (including the pets and me).  And any illness.  The second year DD was in daycare (between ages 1-2) all of us had every single possible transmittable illness 3 x over.  It was an awful year.  DH and I missed a ton of work because of course we didn't all get sick at the same time. We'd take a day off for DD's sickness and then we'd catch it 2 days after she recovered.  

When we first got married I was so annoyed when everyone said how hard marriage was. It really wasn't... until we had a kid.  We're fine. There have been some strained, tense times, but we are not the same stressless, kidless couple we once were.

DD is a perfectly normal 3 year old and she's still "hard".  I think she cried/whined more than she talked for the 2 hours I was with her before work this morning.  

All this to say that it's hard.  But it's wonderful. And most of the wonderfulness cancels out the hardness, so maybe it isn't hard.  I'm not good with words.

saric83

nda_roxybabe said:

Here goes:  H and I really don't think having a baby is going to be as difficult as so many people (we're looking at you, family) makes it seem. I am fully prepared to eat my words and will admit if I'm wrong.

@nda_roxybabe Obviously, every kiddo is different, so we're prepared to be wrong with our littlest human and/or when DS decides he's going to be an asshole toddler.  But in general, we thought the same, and it has been pretty darn true so far.  Certain phases have been a little exhausting until we figure out what works best, but overall, it's just a lot easier than we thought it would be.  Here's hoping it's the same for you guys!

Hansolosparka

@nda_roxybabe I enjoy your FFFC. People do tend to put their own spin on what parenting is like and you just won't know what yours is until you have kids!  To hear
my mother in law talk it seems like having kids ruins your life- but she is a very negative person in general. 

Keep that hat positive attitude!

nda_roxybabe

Thanks guys. Both SIL's just make it seem like every little thing is an impossibility with lots of "just you wait". I'll never forget, last year we went to brunch with both and all the kids. The 3 year old started crying at the table because she was playing rudely with something and got it taken away. Okay, no big deal. I totally would've taken it away too and her crying made total sense, no biggie, doesn't bug me. What bugged me was her Mom turning to me and going "You think your kids wont be like this?! They will!" I was just like whoa. I hadn't even said anything or reacted. No, I entirely expect my 3 year old to have fits, they're kids!

nda_roxybabe

oh or the one whose kids don't sleep. Well, I would imagine when you let a 2 year old have cookies for dinner and afterwards and run around crazy and stay up till 10pm even though you've been threatening bath and bed time since 7 that you cant exactly expect them to just go peacefully to bed.
Maybe if you did dinner, a dessert, some play time, bath, a book, and bed by the time you expect them to go to bed it'd go a lot smoother. Or whatever sort of routine or at least follow through with "threats" of bed.

Squirtgun

We are planning to give up sweets as a family for lent this year. So I am selflessly eating all the icecream and cookies this week. I may have had 7golden Oreos for lunch...

psherman42wwsa

@nda_roxybabe it drove me crazy when people said.. oh you just wait until he starts crawling and then oh just wait until he starts walking he's going to get into everything. I actually thought things were better once he crawled and even better when he started walking. Now he can walk around play with what he wants instead of sitting there whining and I don't know why.

Kipperoo

@NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot , I totally agree with everything you said. And I will add, that unless you and your husband happen to be the type that can handle severe sleep deprivation and a messy house, it will be challenging. Will it be "the hardest thing ever"? Probably not, but the sleep deprivation is unavoidable (unless you hire a night nurse) and that tends to really F with a person. Adjusting your expectations early is key...it's only REALLY hard if you hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Edited to tag @nda_roxybabe ... :-)