Thank you guys for this thread. I am sorry for what your families have gone through but by discussing it its educated me a bit. We use the correct names but I was focused more on the being comfortable/unashamed of our bodies aspect. I never thought of it as a sign if the child uses a term we dont use. Thank you for the education.
@Stankonia2014 God, I just want to scream when I see you say that he kept his job. It's so effed up and unfair and it makes me feel like I could implode with anger. Again, so sorry this happened to her - you did a great job handling.
@Elyse1384 Could not agree more. I haven't studied pedophiles, but I have heard that there is no reforming them and no amount of therapy or rehabilitation makes the urges go away, it's just a matter of whether or not they can control it. I think getting rid of their equipment is a great solution, but what about their hands, too? Yeah, hurting kids should be just as high an offense as murder and I cannot understand why it isn't. This subject makes me SO stabby and I have never even been personally affected by it.
Me: 36; DH: 38 DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17! **TW** MMC & D&C Aug 2016
OMG, @stankonia2014, I am so very sorry that your family has dealt with that. Please don't apologize, as it's a good reminder to all of us to be extra careful with our children.
@merrylea I could seriously live off of sandwiches. My husband isn't as big of a fan though so I try and refrain from making them daily like I would like.
My husband could live off sandwiches too!!! Nope nope nope. Would rather have leftovers.
DD (3 yo) is very outspoken and at times comes off disrespectful or rude. I am a people pleaser by nature, but I force myself not to correct her if it is something she should be saying or standing up for something so I don't diminish that part of her nature. I want her to be a tough female so she will speak up. I don't force her to hug anyway either because I want her to trust her instincts. She challenged an 8 yo who told another kid at the play area they couldn't play. I was impressed she wasn't intimidated by an older kid and I was happy that she defended the other kid, but it did make me uncomfortable as a people pleaser. I said nothing though and praised her on how she handled it.
@Elyse1384, I couldn't agree more and not because I've been personally affected. I think child sexual assault should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
I used to work for a criminal defense attorney and the slap on the wrist that pedophiles get is just maddening. We live several blocks away from a registered sex offender, he was charged with incest and got 2 years. TWO MFING YEARS FOR INCEST! Are you kidding me?
Here's a real UO: I don't think that sex offenses are punished that harshly because it's the 'white man's' crime. That's not too say that people of color don't commit sex crimes, but in criminal justice class we heard this speaker and he suggested that crimes committed by black people were punished more harshly, for example, marijuana vs. cocaine. Cocaine is the drug of choice for wealthy, white men, and marijuana is the drug of choice for poor, black men. He presented all sorts of stats and info and it made perfect sense.
He also said that child sex crimes are more frequently committed by white males and very often white males in positions of power, therefore they aren't punished as harshly.
@devow27 Have you tried squatting down by bending your knees instead of just bending over? I can imagine that going straight up/down by squatting would be better, and that bending at your hips could cause some changes in blood flow making you dizzy or throw up? Definitely ask your OB though.
ETA: Thank you to those of you sharing your stories and I'm sorry you had to go through those experiences. It's really good to know what some red flags may look like in the future especially for a FTM with no experience.
@devow27 I get that sometimes too. It was worse when I was still in 1st trimester and having regular morning sickness, but I found that bending down to spit when brushing my teeth, or to pick up clothes off the floor or whatever would make me feel queasy. I always managed to stand up again in time to not actually get sick though.
Maybe it's a combination of things triggering it? The leaning as well as a smell specifically doing laundry? I still get a bit queasy sometimes brushing my teeth especially while bending over, but it I've always had a sensitive gag reflex when it comes to toothbrushing so for me it's definitely the combo b/c other bends don't make me feel ill anymore.
Ha, guys...I thought I posted that question in weekly randoms! Sorry bout that...
@danijo and @CapricaAndrea thanks for the thoughts. I am mostly squatting, we have front load stackables so I am moving from squat to stand 5-6 times when changing the laundry. But I'm going to pay attention to my body mechanics next time because maybe I am leaning over more and not noticing it. It's so weird, and it's not every time (lord knows I do a sh*t ton of laundry!) I'm going to try squatting more too. Thanks!
@devow27 by chance do you have anterior placenta? I recall reading somewhere that motion bending forward can be a bit more stressful on the body when you have anterior placenta (I'll need to dig that article up). Not certain if there is any truth to that (I don't think it was a study I saw), but I have felt more taxed this pregnancy with certain movements and my placenta is anterior this time around.
@Elyse1384 I don't, its posterior. I remember my OB telling me if laying on my back is cutting off blood flow, I will know because I will get extremely nauseous and probably vomit. I wonder if whatever position I'm doing in the laundry room is mimicking that? Waiting to hear back from OB office.
@Stankonia2014 I obviously didn't hear the same speaker/stats, but from all of the information that I've read over the past ~ 2 years... our country is in desperate need of criminal justice reform. The changes made in the 90's to increase sentences to ridiculously harsh punishments for drug-related convictions has and will continue to disproportionately impact certain racial groups. We've created an incredibly tough cultural cycle for anyone to break, let alone one that impacts one group more so than another. Also, it doesn't just impact the individual charged... it ultimately impacts the community.
FTR I don't use drugs, just my personal preference and it is illegal where I am, but I don't think the sentences being handed out (esp. to first time offenders) are justified.
When I think of the criminal justice system in the US (sentencing for white vs non-white defendants, sentencing for different types of crime, etc) , all I can think is... Brock Turner. Dear US judicial system, FAIL.
My husband is a criminal defense attorney. He took the job because he needed one and we had a baby on the way (this was with number 1). He didn't have any desire to defend "these scumbags" but, wow, we've learned how awful the system is. How unforgiving and how backed up it is. And how skewed it is when you have the means to pay your way out of a crime.
He (we, really) has had a major change of heart on how he views the system.
And there are still major scumbags and morons he defends BUT he has really enjoyed this line of work much to both of our surprise.
@Stankonia2014. What a horribly sad story. I do want to back what you are saying too. We had a sexual assault professional development at my school and they stressed using anatomically correct terms for that exact reason.
@ellie111227. We are all about the correct terms but it certainly got interesting tonight. DS (3) calls them "gina" and "peni" because he just can't seem to master the full name even though we call them vagina and penis. We were at my elementary school dance and went to the restroom. Clear as a bell he says, "Mommy, you need to sit on the potty. When you have a gina you sit on the potty. I will stand because I have a peni." Well any girl in there who didn't know the correct term now does.
Me: 34 DH: 35 Married: July 2009 BFP: November 2012 after 2 years of TTC DS born August 2013 Diagnosed with PCOS April 2016 3 months of trigger shot with timed intercourse BFN x3 First IUI: 9/17/16 BFP: 9/30/16 EDD: 6/11/17
@Stankonia2014 Late to the game, but wanted to comment back to you
THANK YOU for sharing your story and for being such a great parent to you DD. I wish my sisters had that same support when they were groomed and repeatedly violated by some scumbag. I'm so glad you made sure your DD knew/knows you believe her! That is so important for her healing
Re: UO Thursday 2/9
@Elyse1384 Could not agree more. I haven't studied pedophiles, but I have heard that there is no reforming them and no amount of therapy or rehabilitation makes the urges go away, it's just a matter of whether or not they can control it. I think getting rid of their equipment is a great solution, but what about their hands, too? Yeah, hurting kids should be just as high an offense as murder and I cannot understand why it isn't. This subject makes me SO stabby and I have never even been personally affected by it.
Me: 36; DH: 38
DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17!
**TW**
MMC & D&C Aug 2016
OMG, @stankonia2014, I am so very sorry that your family has dealt with that. Please don't apologize, as it's a good reminder to all of us to be extra careful with our children.
I used to work for a criminal defense attorney and the slap on the wrist that pedophiles get is just maddening. We live several blocks away from a registered sex offender, he was charged with incest and got 2 years. TWO MFING YEARS FOR INCEST! Are you kidding me?
Here's a real UO: I don't think that sex offenses are punished that harshly because it's the 'white man's' crime. That's not too say that people of color don't commit sex crimes, but in criminal justice class we heard this speaker and he suggested that crimes committed by black people were punished more harshly, for example, marijuana vs. cocaine. Cocaine is the drug of choice for wealthy, white men, and marijuana is the drug of choice for poor, black men. He presented all sorts of stats and info and it made perfect sense.
He also said that child sex crimes are more frequently committed by white males and very often white males in positions of power, therefore they aren't punished as harshly.
ETA: Thank you to those of you sharing your stories and I'm sorry you had to go through those experiences. It's really good to know what some red flags may look like in the future especially for a FTM with no experience.
Maybe it's a combination of things triggering it? The leaning as well as a smell specifically doing laundry? I still get a bit queasy sometimes brushing my teeth especially while bending over, but it I've always had a sensitive gag reflex when it comes to toothbrushing so for me it's definitely the combo b/c other bends don't make me feel ill anymore.
@danijo and @CapricaAndrea thanks for the thoughts. I am mostly squatting, we have front load stackables so I am moving from squat to stand 5-6 times when changing the laundry. But I'm going to pay attention to my body mechanics next time because maybe I am leaning over more and not noticing it. It's so weird, and it's not every time (lord knows I do a sh*t ton of laundry!) I'm going to try squatting more too. Thanks!
DH: 29
DS: 18 months 4/2/2015
Baby #2 EDD: 6/1/2017
DH: 29
DS: 18 months 4/2/2015
Baby #2 EDD: 6/1/2017
FTR I don't use drugs, just my personal preference and it is illegal where I am, but I don't think the sentences being handed out (esp. to first time offenders) are justified.
Can't wait to see this documentary that was released recently at Sundance!
https://kutv.com/news/local/unlikely-allies-right-wing-activists-hip-hop-artists-unite-for-political-change
Edit: grammar
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a8693509/cody-herrera-rape-conviction-unmarried-sex-order/
He (we, really) has had a major change of heart on how he views the system.
And there are still major scumbags and morons he defends BUT he has really enjoyed this line of work much to both of our surprise.
@ellie111227. We are all about the correct terms but it certainly got interesting tonight. DS (3) calls them "gina" and "peni" because he just can't seem to master the full name even though we call them vagina and penis. We were at my elementary school dance and went to the restroom. Clear as a bell he says, "Mommy, you need to sit on the potty. When you have a gina you sit on the potty. I will stand because I have a peni." Well any girl in there who didn't know the correct term now does.
Me: 34 DH: 35
Married: July 2009
BFP: November 2012 after 2 years of TTC DS born August 2013
Diagnosed with PCOS April 2016
3 months of trigger shot with timed intercourse BFN x3
First IUI: 9/17/16 BFP: 9/30/16 EDD: 6/11/17
THANK YOU for sharing your story and for being such a great parent to you DD. I wish my sisters had that same support when they were groomed and repeatedly violated by some scumbag. I'm so glad you made sure your DD knew/knows you believe her! That is so important for her healing