June 2017 Moms

Second Time Moms: Shower/Sprinkle?

2

Re: Second Time Moms: Shower/Sprinkle?

  • Miss Manners is typically seen as the leader in etiquette rules (and this can differ by country, but this is for the US).  Emily Post was good but since she died and her kids took over it became a money making machine that gives pretty questionable advice.

    I got plenty of nursing supplies at my shower.  Gel pads and nipple cream FTW!  ;-)

    image
     
     
    Me: 34 DH: 34
    Married 5-31-14
    DD born 6-21-15
    NTNP - January 2016
    TTC#2 - August 2016
    BFP 10/3/16 - EDD 6/16/17
     
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    kns1988Stankonia2014
  • mrtmrt member
    Long-Lasting Membership 500 Love Its 100 Comments Photogenic
    I have found that the etiquette is different depending on your family. Generally for me, a shower is only for your first child, but I have attended smaller showers for mothers who were having a different gender, or had a baby several years after their other kids, or had twins after their first baby. My opinion, and the prevailing etiquette in my circles is that you shouldn't throw yourself a shower, but if someone wants to throw one for you, that's fine.
    CurlyMommy416
  • I wouldn't suggest it but if my family or friends wanted to throw us a low key "sprinkle" heck yeah I would accept. 
    Stankonia2014CurlyMommy416
  • MistiemorningMistiemorning member
    10 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited January 1
    I agree each situation is different. If you already have all the stuff you need I'd say no. But that doesn't mean you can't have a small gathering to celebrate the coming of another baby! That would be up to you. I'd just specify what you do need of anything vs. What you definitely don't need. Or even do a gathering with no presents. Just a little celebration. 

    Me on the other hand... My first son was born in 2008 with a man I separated from in 2009. So after that I put myself on bcp until I was in a good LONG term relationship or married and ready. I knew that it would be years before that would happen if it even would plus I was living with my dad and had no place to store his baby stuff so it was ALL donated. We have absolutely nothing and have to start from scratch. We will definitely have a baby shower, rather a diaper party where both genders are welcome. We will be registering for gifts etc. I'm sure hubbys mom will want to throw us one. We could use the help and since it's been almost 9 years since my son was born, it's my husband 1st child and it's the first grandchild on my husband's side it is a big deal. :) 
    tmrussell
  • @Mistiemorning, I think your situation perfectly describes when a second shower is appropriate. You're essentially starting over, and with a new partner, and you have lots of new family who want to celebrate you and your baby and shower you with gifts. That's awesome. 

    @Elyse1384, to your point about financial readiness, I don't think anyone should go into a pregnancy expecting they'll have a shower that will provide everything they need for a baby. Parents have to be financially ready to buy anything and everything they aren't lucky enough to be gifted. However, gifts largely depend on your friends and family and their own financial means, and many people are lucky enough to be gifted a lot of what they need from family and friends who are happy to do it. If you're a guest of a shower, you should buy whatever you genuinely want to give and whatever you can afford (whatever price point that may be) and there shouldn't be any expectations from the recipient either way. 
    NYTino24virginiaunicorn11fwtx5815
  • mrtmrt member
    Long-Lasting Membership 500 Love Its 100 Comments Photogenic
    I agree that no one should be expecting a shower, especially when it's not your first child, but I have attended second showers for the reasons I listed, and I it's nice to give gifts and help the parents out. I don't think any of the mothers I attended second showers for expected the showers, they were thrown for them.
    tmrussell
  • Unexpected gifts or parties are not my problem.  It is that some STMs assume "my reason means I deserve another shower" or "I'm going to throw myself a shower and/or tell people what to get me" that drives me off the deep end.  
    delujm0Wino0920Stankonia2014bumpybump
  • I agree. @Elyse1384 You should be able to buy what you need especially a STM. I don't mind attending second showers really because I love celebrating the mom and baby, but please don't register. Or at least don't put it on the invite. I want to buy second kids something that will make them feel special later on- a quilt with their name on it or something only for them that won't be a hand me down. Or something really nice for the mom. Car seats should be the one thing you can afford because it is the most important thing you can't even take your baby home without it usually. 
    Elyse1384
  • I agree with @elyse1384 for the most part but I'd argue that a shower is reasonable in the case of @mistiemorning because it is her husband's first child.  But in this case I think it would be appropriate only to invite her husband's family plus her immediate family (mom, sisters, grandmother, if they're interested).  Presumably everyone on her side got her baby gifts 9 years ago and shouldn't feel like they need to do so again.

    It is kind of BS to use the "my other kid is old" excuse...that's not the fault of your friends and family, they shouldn't feel obligated to get you a new carseat if they already celebrated your impending motherhood the first time around.  If they send you a gift without an invitation, fine...but inviting them to a shower obligates them to bring a gift if they choose to attend, which is pretty questionable I think.  This also applies for the "my other kid is the opposite sex" excuse.  I'd accept a very small shower for a STM but FTMOM as reasonable without side eye, but only if it was very very small...close family only basically.

    image
     
     
    Me: 34 DH: 34
    Married 5-31-14
    DD born 6-21-15
    NTNP - January 2016
    TTC#2 - August 2016
    BFP 10/3/16 - EDD 6/16/17
     
    <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/50bdde">My Ovulation Chart</a>
    tripledaggerWed95976doodleoodleElyse1384
  • Family is already asking about a shower but I'm declining as the offers come in. Our home l
    flooded in August and we lost all old baby stuff except car seat and bassinet so we could really use things but we can afford to buy them. 

    We are expected to be back home in a month so I will probably host a bbq/boil housewarming to celebrate the pregnancy and repaired (remodeled) home. no gifts expected/ requested but that will be party enough for me.

    may do a sip and see after baby is here since we are not finding out the gender until birth. 
    Elyse1384berg
  • Elyse1384Elyse1384 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 1
    @sls because there is no point arguing.  It is just flat out etiquette.  I don't understand why greater rationale is needed.  If anything, those going against etiquette should provide good reason to do so.  Not the other way around.  If you already had a shower which traditionally involves being showered with gifts to welcome/prepare the new mother for motherhood... What reason would be cause for a second shower?  I haven't really seen a valid argument yet in that direction.  Family and friends electing to give gifts to STMs is very different from someone flat out wanting another shower for shits and giggles. 

    ETA:  I have given many a friend or relative a gift for baby #2, #3, etc.  I'm happy to do so on my terms and when I want to.  I also had a cousin have their second baby 8 years after the first.  I bought them some essentials since I knew they had donated a lot and aren't incredibly well off.  Again... All VERY different from "I'm having a second shower because my first was the opposite sex or years ago".  No pressure on me or anyone else to give gifts.  
    doodleoodletripledaggerWed95976mcvgalacstec1
  • Oh don't get me wrong. Its not that we flat out can't afford to buy our baby the things he needs but we also aren't rolling in money either so gifts are totally welcome. It's a LOT of money to start up with a baby so although we can do It ourselves it's nice to know that we have family who want to gift us some things we need. I mean we have already gotten some little things just after announcing. That's just the type of family and friends we have. And we do the same for our friends and family. We would never expect gifts from people. Our point of view is if you can and want to gift us something sure why not? The registry would just really be for a reference point. For instance we are cloth diapering so I wouldn't want people getting us disposables or something like that. Our family is the type that love to give and pay it forward etc. I love getting gifts for others for their showers etc. as well so it's just the type of community we are in. I know how much money gets sunk into baby stuff at first and love to help because I know how much of a hole it can create in your pocket. Its totally cultural, and opinion based. We aren't requiring gifts or anything it's just something that we know will happen anyway. His mom has talked about it already and again we certainly aren't going to refuse.
  • ellie111227ellie111227 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Photogenic Name Dropper
    edited January 2
    I ended up having THREE showers before my daughter was born: one I knew about and okayed in my homestate, one that was a surprise in the town we live in, and one that was a surprise at work (breakfast and one communal gift). I was very surprised by everyone's generosity and hadn't been expecting any showers. It was crazy. I am hoping not to have anything with this baby, because I don't prefer the attention and because I think it would be tacky. If someone offers, I will decline, but I can't do anything but be gracious and grateful about it if the surprise thing recurs. In general, I don't feel very comfortable with parties centered on gifts. It is a very odd social situation, which I think is why we have such specific etiquette about it (only happens once, don't host your , etc).

    I think a sip n see is socially acceptable for a stm because the baby is present to be celebrated and introduced, as long as the parents are clear about not expecting gifts (because gifts for your baby are basically gifts for you and it is tacky to host something where people have to give you ) and don't open any gifts they do receive in a public way like you do at a shower (that recenters the party on gifts). I will absolutely not do that, though, because I am crazy paranoid about germs with a newborn. For three or four months, I basically don't want anyone to touch or breath on my baby, or me, or stuff in my house that I might touch before I touch the baby. It's insane, but it makes me feel better. So no parties here lol.
  • just so you know @Mistiemorning they still will totally buy you disposables. We didn't have any types of requests or anything on our shower invites, but I sent the word out that we were cloth diapering. No one believed us or something because we got so many diapers and wipes her closet was totally full of disposable boxes. So sweet and generous, but I ended up giving almost all of them to my brother who was having an unplanned baby and needed them. If you do get some I believe target or Walmart will take them back with out a receipt. And target even has some cloth online if you only get store credit. 
  • This is baby #3 for me and I doubt I will have shower/sprinkle/party/whatever. My first I didn't get a shower. Second I got a sprinkle but it was awkward. We were getting ready to move and 75% of the people I knew had moved, so there were only 5 guests. One girl came because she was a friend of the hostess and felt bad for me. We are military so having my family there isn't an option. The whole thing just felt forced, the two people who hosted it did it because I threw their showers. I would NEVER throw myself a shower or anything but we are thinking of doing a sip and see 4th of July party while my mom is in town.

    Mom to Madison- 5 and Lillian 2....and now surprise baby #3!
  • MistiemorningMistiemorning member
    10 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited January 2
    just so you know @Mistiemorning they still will totally buy you disposables. We didn't have any types of requests or anything on our shower invites, but I sent the word out that we were cloth diapering. No one believed us or something because we got so many diapers and wipes her closet was totally full of disposable boxes. So sweet and generous, but I ended up giving almost all of them to my brother who was having an unplanned baby and needed them. If you do get some I believe target or Walmart will take them back with out a receipt. And target even has some cloth online if you only get store credit. 
    Hahaha. I'm sure they probably will. People still think cloth diapering means using safety pins and no waterproof shell. I mean we MIGHT supplement with disposables of for whatever reason we aren't getting the hang of cloth right away. Still a little nervous about getting the right materials and fits. Also overnight diapers! 
  • @Mistiemorning there are several of us CDing mamas in this BMB so if you have any questions feel free to reach out :)
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    Mistiemorning
  • Personally I would love to have another shower simply because DS was born prematurely just 2 days after mine so I felt I never got to soak it all in due to being extremely uncomfortable (no idea it was a foreshadow of preterm labor). But I wouldn't want it for the gifts, I'd want more of a blessing way, gathering of women and other mothers blessing me and this little one with their wisdom heading into the journey of labor and delivery and motherhood of soon two little ones. Sure I'm a mama already, but every birth is a rite of passage in its own way and I feel that needs to be celebrated. As a culture we're so caught up in the consumerism of it all when I believe it's more powerful focusing on the spiritual and community aspects. It's the chance to lay the roots for a mama tribe, a support network for both labor and once baby is born.
    silliegirlie143Mistiemorning
  • @Elyse1384 I think my thing is, is it etiquette just because you say so? I'm not trying to fight I swear, but you speak as if you're reading it from some book we are all missing. There are all different walks of life and etiquette varies. 
  • I guess I think it's kind of odd to me to really care about old school ettiquite in such a strong sense anymore.  The older I get the less I seem to care.  I more go by Norms and traditions with in my friend/family community and what I feel is appropriate.  And kind of think to each their own. 

    That at being said I personally think it's a no no to throw yourself a shower.  In my family we don't really do showers after the first baby but I have plenty of friends that have had sprinkles thrown for them . I think sprinkles with close friends or family are really sweet.  In one of my friend's families the aunts throw a shower for every pregnancy.  I thought that was odd at first but if a family wants to do that and enjoys giving again then why not I guess. 

    I also come from a family that likes to give gifts when they visit a new baby for the first time  so even though I didn't have a shower for my second we got a lot of sweet gifts.  And I'm sure we will this time too.  


  • delujm0 said:
    delujm0 said:
    Nope.  A shower's purpose is the welcome a woman to motherhood.  So if you're already a mom you don't get another shower.  Many people think that the shower is a celebration of the baby, but it is not.  It's a celebration of the mother.  if you want to celebrate the baby you do that once it is born.

    I'm sure our parents will offer to buy us stuff and close friends may get us little things but I won't have an official event.  And never throw it yourself, ugh, that is the worst.
    I have to disagree with you. Some cultures celebrate it as you described but I think Americans are 50/50 on that subject... all the baby showers I've been to have celebrated the baby, not the mother.
    Based purely on actual etiquette standards (which can differ culturally or based on religious beliefs), baby showers have always been intended to celebrate the mother.  Like bridal showers have always been intended to celebrate the bride.

    A misunderstanding of the original intention for something doesn't change etiquette standards.  I agree that many Americans choose to look at showers as a celebration of the baby, but that isn't correct.  You can't throw a party in honor of a guest who isn't actually present.  Celebrating the baby with a sip and see or similar once it is born is more appropriate if that is the intention.

    This is like how brides now can't understand why honeymoon registries are not traditionally etiquette-approved.  Asking for cash in any form is tacky, period, and that's what they are.  People still do them in increasing numbers though.  Just because something is becoming common doesn't mean it's proper, or that all people accept it.  Some people will always see things like honeymoon registries and second+ showers and throwing your own shower as rude.  

    I mean You Do You everyone, just keep in mind that it's possible that some people would think you were being rude by breaking etiquette rules.  That's why they exist in the first place - as a reference point to ensure that you won't offend your guests.  I've been to second showers, and showers thrown by the guest of honor themselves, and I've contributed to honeymoon registries...but make no mistake, i side-eyed them.  I'd never say that to the person they were in honor of, but it is true.  And I'd personally be horrified if I offended a friend or family member similarly, so I don't do it.
    I thought Miss Manners said that a shower is to equip a mother with what she will need to enter motherhood.

    My shower broke the first rule so I would be a hypocrite saying anything about rules and etiquette. My mom hosted my bridal and baby shower. And for no reason other than she wanted to. 
  • Not having anything but also didn't with the first, just not my kind of thing. I say each to their own though, if you happen to have the opposite sex to last time then you might need a bunch of new things. It depends what you are comfortable with.
  • I agree that etiquette isn't as clear as it used to be, and if someone else is throwing the party for you, you don't have much control. Why not put the decision on the attendee a little? Since the main purpose of the party is to celebrate mom and baby, I'll go no matter what and then I'll choose my gift based on details. For example, I get invited to a shower for a FTM, I buy her a bigger gift, like bouncy seat. I get invited to a shower/sprinkle for the same mom two years later, I buy her a smaller gift like an outfit. And then for situations in between (ex. new marriages, lapse of time) I choose gifts based on the situation. 
    CurlyMommy416
  • I get rubbed the wrong way anytime there are cash is tacky comments. 

    In the Mr's culture that is really the ONLY gift that is culturally acceptable for anything: birthdays, graduations, housewarmings, weddings, babies.

    His parents are definitely old school but they get that what was right for them is not necessarily what is done these days. I, for one, like making our own traditions that blend our cultures and incorporate our styles. So I'll own my tackiness. We had a honeymoon registry when we got married. It was the coolest thing ever to put photos of the experiences people gifted us into their thank you cards. I registered for DD and definitely had gift cards on there as an item I would appreciate. I won't lose my shit if someone wants to throw a party for this LO. 

    I hear a lot of pearl clutching in pp comments and still just don't really get all the judging. This must be my Monday UO! Hahaha



    CurlyMommy416lmudra
  • @Elyse1384 I think my thing is, is it etiquette just because you say so? I'm not trying to fight I swear, but you speak as if you're reading it from some book we are all missing. There are all different walks of life and etiquette varies. 
    Most etiquette is driven by tradition and social graces.  For example, you shouldn't wear a white dress to a wedding (etiquette) as a bride typically (not always) wears white.  Obviously people can deviate from tradition and then all bets are off, but I personally don't appreciate when someone tries to justify doing so with inappropriate reasons and pass it off as following etiquette.  All you need do is some research on showers to understand more about their tradition and where this etiquette comes from.  I come from a family who happily honors traditions passed down through the generations and I prefer to keep with tradition.  I believe one of the greatest gifts I can give my kids is a respect for tradition, particularly as they often teach etiquette/social graces.  I'm not saying people who don't follow traditions aren't polite, but merely I prefer this as one of several vehicles to instil certain values and morals into my kids.  My shower was a surprise and someday I would like to surprise my kids with a shower.  They shouldn't expect gifts or expect things from others IMO.  I believe giving is better than receiving and I hope my kids grow to feel the same.  


    delujm0tripledaggerWed95976bumpybump
  • I don't expect any of my friends or family will throw one. We still have everything from 5 years ago, so don't need anything. I think work will do something small, but that will just be a nice excuse for us all to go out for lunch!
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • A hard no over here. We'll purchase or borrow whatever needs to be replaced. (Some of it has been sitting in the attic for nearly 7 years.) 

    A friend offered and I suggested a sip and see instead. The idea of a shower or sprinkle makes me pretty uncomfortable. 

    I also got nursing supplies and some post pardum care at my shower- and it's often what I gift at showers. 
    DD1 4.14.10
    DD2 8.22.13
    MMC 1.2017 at 16w

    delujm0
  • I had a very big shower with my first which was very nice and thrown by some friends and definitely a huge help although I completely agree it shouldn't be expected or planned by the mother. I don't expect another one this time around and would never suggest it but knowing my friends they'll probably do something anyways. I don't really need much other than maybe diapers/wipes since we stayed as gender neutral as possible for everything. If it's offered I'll just ask that it's kept low key and only the absolute closest family/friends be invited. If not, we are perfectly capable of buying our own things. I do plan to do a registry or 2 at my favorite places only for the "completion discount" for myself. 
  • DewyKDewyK member
    100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited January 5
    We had boy, boy, girl - and now another boy. We had showers for our first, nothing for our second, and a very small shower for our third. There would have been nothing for our third had she been another boy. 

    Showers for subsequent same sex babies aren't my thing, but to each their own. I certainly wouldn't throw my own shower though, I think that's tacky no matter what number baby it is. 
  • Etiquette is much like modern English and changes over time. Sometimes, gradually, sometimes swiftly. For me, Emily Post and Miss Manners don't get to decide what babies I chose to celebrate.  If your friends and family keep bringing it up, and you are not opposed, have fun. I once attended a church where they would throw a shower for the first baby, and a diapers and wipes shower for each subsequent child. It was a great way to celebrate every baby, without overwhelming parents with too many unnecessarily items.  Plus, cake with friends is always fun.
    Married 8/29/09
    MC: 9/14
    Goober #1 born: 8/17/15
    MC: 9/16
    Goober # 2 EDD: 6/27/17
    lmudramamaelle27AllybieryCurlyMommy416
  • Bringing this topic back up because I need some advice:
    Team pink this time and due late June. DS's 2nd birthday is mid-June and I was thinking about having a birthday/baby shower. DH thinks it's tacky, but I don't think people are going to want to go to two parties so close together for the same people. Anyone else think this could work? If so, would be interested in theme ideas (I'm TERRIBLE at this stuff).



    Me: 29
         DH: 32
    Married 11/09/2013

    LO#1: LMP 09/19/2016  BFP 10/15/2014  EDD 06/24/2015  DS Born 06/14/2015
    LO#2: LMP 09/18/2016  BFP 10/19/2016  EDD 06/27/2017 TEAM PINK!
      

  • michaela0704michaela0704 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited February 19
    @MrsCaliRN I think it depends on the type of party you were planning to have for DS... I initially reaction was, don't do it but if it is more adults (family and close friends) maybe?  I think you would be better off going to brunch/lunch/dinner with a small close group vs. combining the 2 celebrations.  Other than the obvious... not hosting it for yourself (which I wasn't sure who was hosting it?)... here is my larger issue with your idea...

    I'm very conscience of making each of my twins feel special and celebrated on their birthday... I know you said he is turning 2 so it probably won't be a big deal but I think you should keep the event focused on him, it is his day.
    devow27
  • Wino0920Wino0920 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 20
    MrsCaliRN said:
    Bringing this topic back up because I need some advice:
    Team pink this time and due late June. DS's 2nd birthday is mid-June and I was thinking about having a birthday/baby shower. DH thinks it's tacky, but I don't think people are going to want to go to two parties so close together for the same people. Anyone else think this could work? If so, would be interested in theme ideas (I'm TERRIBLE at this stuff).
    Everyone has already said it but no! You don't get a shower just because you want one or because you are having a different sex. 

    If if someone offers to throw it for you, fine. And it shouldn't be at your sons' second birthday. Wtf??? You basically are taking away from your son to make it about you?? 
    neludelutripledaggerWed95976MrsCaliRNfwtx5815
  • @MrsCaliRN - I'm with the other ladies here and your DH is right.  It is tacky. There aren't enough "no"s that I can say to all of this.  You get one shower.  It is your son's birthday.  You don't get to throw your own shower.  
    tripledaggerWed95976
  • @MrsCaliRN I'm in the same situation, my son's birthday is beginning of May (he will be 2) and I'm due mid June with a girl, but more likely to have her early June given my history. I'm planning to have a small birthday celebration for him early May since we never got to have a party for his 1st (we were all sick). I feel like it'll be his last big celebration with just us as a family of 3 before baby sister arrives. Since he was premature and I went into labor less than 48 hours after my baby shower it's important I do something to celebrate this pregnancy. My friend and I are due at the same time so we are doing a joint thing early June/late may. It is sort of throwing it for ourselves but mostly for each other and it's more of a blessingway (i.e. small gathering of women blessing mama to be before labor vs gift giving etc etc). I think doing a get together like a brunch with girlfriends is totally acceptable to host yourself. Each child and pregnancy is worth celebrating. Just don't expect gifts- I rarely bring a gift to a sprinkle or second baby shower and don't expect any for myself.
    MrsCaliRN
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