I don't think we've made a new one, so I'll dig up this thread. This is an in-law rant and is going to be long. I've mentioned a few times about my crazy in-laws and how I let MIL and FIL live with h and I for about a month. The duration of time she lived here she got hired and quit three different jobs, spent all her money on drugs for the FIL (we found empty insulin syringes in our car and house), and she didn't know we could see her bank activity, but she was getting $400/week for disability and still lying to us about her money and asking us for food/clothes/gas money. So we gave her some money and told her to return to Florida where she wanted to be. She has since refused to find a place to live and she has been bouncing from friends houses and ex boyfriends families houses mooching off each one until they get tired of her and kick her out. She has ignored us and the pregnancy since we kicked her out in May (told her we were pregnant in June). She just sent these to me and DH today and he's adamant against responding to her. He's angry she isn't taking responsibility for her actions and blaming it on her "illness". She hasn't reached out to us at all since May and now she wants to know why we're ignoring her? She all of a sudden wants to be a part of our family? I think she's just trying to keep her options open because she seems to think DH has "ATM" written across his forehead. I don't even know what to do about her. DH is conflicted, he feels he should call her and explain why he's angry at her, but at the same time, she'd never take responsibility for her actions so really what's the point? So tired of all her drama and the perpetual pity party she throws herself.
@LivingLaVidaGinger I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this, but from how you've described their time living with you, it sounds like taking space is good for you and DH right now. It reads to me like she is trying to play on your sympathies. While I could very well be wrong, it sounds like based on the situation a financial request is probably looming behind this sudden change of heart.
@LivingLaVidaGinger I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I mean it is possible that she has suddenly realized that family is important but based on history I agree that it does sound like she's probably going to ask for money again. As for calling to tell her why you're mad at her I'm not sure that will really get anywhere since she doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions. While I don't have the money problems with my mom she just decides to be very cruel once in a while and refuses to respect that I'm my own person with my own family. It's so frustrating because if I try to tell her how what she's said or done has upset me she just won't accept it and she's either got an excuse or claims I'm crazy and it didn't happen. I will say though that I've recently just come to peace with the fact she's going to react this way and so telling her why I'm upset is at least a way for me to get it out and get some closure. I just have to no longer expect that it's going to resolve the situation but I can at least say I tried. So maybe if he takes it with that attitude rather than hoping to fix the situation he will still get some benefit from telling her exactly why he's mad.
Me: 33 | DH: 34 Married: October, 19, 2015 EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17 EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20 EDD 11/24/23 (Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
@LivingLaVidaGinger I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this family stress right now. I do agree with what @WinchesterGirl said about it potentially being a sympathy play with financial motives. If it would make your DH feel better to call her and explain things, I don't think that would hurt as long as he is clear with his feelings and sets boundaries on the relationship he wants to have with her.
@LivingLaVidaGinger How terrible for you and your husband. I agree with everyone else, she probably (unfortunately) has an ulterior motive. But, she's the mom in this situation and it's up to her to make things right IF she has truly turned her life around. Let her make ANY effort and make amends for what she has done. If she truly has changed, she can prove it to you guys.
@LivingLaVidaGinger i'm very sorry you're going through this. it's so stressful. my DH has a brother who is mentally ill and an addict, and his behavior is very similar in terms of being erratic and emotionally draining, and looking for $$$. participating in al-anon has been very helpful. one of my favorite slogans is "detach with love". i interpret that to mean that "i love you, but i can't have you in my life as long as you are active in your addiction and not seeking help and being emotionally and verbally abusive".
i don't think there's one right answer in terms of what the relationship should look like. it depends on each person's boundaries and what makes sense in their own life. you and your DH know what's best for you and i wish you peace sorting it all out.
@LivingLaVidaGinger no advice other than to second what PPs have said. I'm sorry she is acting this way. It is very stressful to have someone so toxic in your life.
Thanks everyone for the support and advice! It's such a stressful situation and since I haven't dealt with her my entire life like H has, I still feel sorry for her. He believes that when she's ready to grow up and gets tired of wondering where her next meal will come from, she'll take initiative and work to make her life better and stop spending all her money on drugs. The worst of it is, she works! She has been working back in FL for six months and still hasn't saved up enough money to rent even low income apartments. She just refuses. I don't think H is going to call her though because he doesn't want to lead her to believe there's a possibility that she can come back here or that he's going to offer her any more financial support than he already has. She is still lying to us regularly about numerous things, her car accident being one of them. So I definitely support H in his decision to continue to ignore her until she makes the effort to turn her life around on her own.
@LivingLaVidaGinger that sounds like such a difficult situation to be in. I really like the advice of @cruffino in regards to 'detach with love.' It can be such a heavy burden to carry, and you of course never want it to appear that you are the ones doing wrong or not being loving and receptive. Engaging in a phone call likely won't end up going well if she is still lying, trying to play on sympathies, and may only leave your husband more frustrated. If he feels there are things he needs to say and get off of his chest for his own closure or peace of mind, then maybe it would be easier to draft a letter or email. Then he can sit on it for a few days to read and revise, and then send, knowing that you were able to get everything out that you want to say and leave it there. But if he doesn't feel for him personally that he needs to get anything off his chest for himself, then maybe its easier to leave it where it is. He's probably played this game with her too many times to count by now :-(
Sorry I dropped the ball on this thread this week, guy's.
@LivingLaVidaGinger I can relate very much to how your husband must be feeling. As I've mentioned before, my mom has bipolar but I dint really know how much of it to blame on her disorder.
My mom does this, too. A lot. She tries to manipulate us by saying things like "I'm going to die, " or "I'm going to kill myself if you don't do this. " She goes through phases where she's fine and acts like an adult but then the very next day she'll get obsessed with something and try to manipulate you into doing it.
It's one of the hardest things to deal with. But 30 years of dealing with this....still doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I feel guilty every time I have to give her tough love but luckily that's what my therapist is there for. She helps put things in perspective and constantly reminds me to take care of myself first.
Can I just brag on my husband a little? He's so sweet and caring. He's been working a ton of extra duty to help us do things we need before baby comes and save some. But he always just wants to be with me. It just melts my heart. This week has been/is rough and he just wants to take care of me and doesn't want me to stress or be upset about it. And he's going to be such a good daddy. I know he already loves her so much and he always wants to feel her move, talk to her, kiss my belly. He's always been sweet and loving but this brings it out so much more. I just love that man! (sorry if that was super sappy, I've been emotional this week)
just need to drop a "MIL being petty" vent here. the latest is that she sent DH a few texts complaining about my shower, which is being hosted by my mom and sister. her complaints are that:
1) it's too expensive--however, she was never asked to contribute any $$$. she offered to contribute half, but when she found out the cost, she was not comfortable with the amount. my mom and sis appreciate any contribution she might make, but never expected any $$$ to begin with. in her complaints to DH, she copied and pasted my mom's responses to her about $$ which were along the lines, of "we appreciate your generosity, and are grateful for your contribution". so not a problem, right? well wrong,
2) because she goes on to say she's not comfortable with the whole thing and doesn't like "high end restaurants", and then to complain,
3) that she doesn't feel included even though (*at her own offering and insistence* ) she is making the desserts and has planned a game.
i know these are petty concerns and many of you are dealing with actual serious issues, so i don't want to over inflate this. i just always feel so defeated when it comes to this woman, because literally nothing is ever good enough to please her. i won't bore you with the many examples of this in the past. suffice to say you could give her a kidney and she would find something to complain about.
i also get so uncomfortable because to my face, she acts like everything is perfect, but she regularly complains to DH. and bless him because he usually shuts her down, but i feel bad that she puts him in this weird place. and she has no problem openly complaining to me about my SIL, so i can only assume that means that she bitches about me to others.
i'm a pretty direct person and i value the relationships in my life, so i have a hard time dealing with this. i would welcome a direct conversation, but its hard to see that actually happening. DH always says "this is just how she is and i'm used to it so don;t worry about it", and i've tried not to let it affect me too deeply, but then sometimes i get sooooooo annoyed, like now.
Mine is also really minor but also really long... sorry. It is my FIL. He's done 2 things that have annoyed me lately.
1. BACKGROUND: FIL is a complete know it all and he's not used to strong intelligent women and can be pretty sexist and condecending. But we don't worry about it too much since it is usually benevolent. So for example, when H and I were getting married we specifically did NOT want a church wedding. He planned one for us behind our backs. We had to shut it down but it still caused a lot of hurt feelings.
Fast forward to 5 years ago, H and I are living in a small 1 bedroom that doesn't even have a closet. We were using a hallway for a closet. FIL shows up one day with a huge corner desk (5ft long on both sides, 6 ft tall.) I come home and he and my BIL are putting it together. H and I were never consulted. So we kept it, moved it to our house when we bought it ( Where it doesn't it either) and H has never used it except to collect clutter. We told FIL we need to get rid of the desk bc we don't have room for it now that the office is becoming the nursery. HE GOT OFFENDED. That we are getting rid of a desk H has never used and we never asked for and still kept for 5 years. And now he's insisting on driving to our house 3 hrs away and getting the desk! I just want to paint my nursery!
2. We are naming the baby Elizabeth and calling her Betty. We told my FIL and he said he liked Elizabeth but he's going to call her Lizzie. Which is the one nickname H and I don't like for Elizabth. Dude, you got to name 2 kids. Just go with it. And my problem is they live 3 hrs away. So if FIL calls her Lizzie, so will my MIL and all their friends and everyone in their small town. And then I'm gonna be pissed and either have to correct EVERYONE or just roll with it and be hurt. I feel like he is taking away my right to name my child what I want.
TL/ DR my FIL has offically stepped on my pregnant lady nerves.
@Gretchypoo you're right the passive aggressive is driving me bonkers! and i appreciate your suggestion about my SIL. i often feel like i'm her lone defender. but i think that instead of defending her, i could have a more firm boundary of "don't talk about her negatively in my presence".
sorry about your FIL. start calling him out of his name and tell him you prefer it so what's his problem?
@cruffino would your husband mind if you addressed it? I kinda feel like she needs to be put in her place a little, or almost understand she's being petty. Like if you called and just said "Hey, I'm so sorry you're concerned about the restaurant and the money, but please know that nobody is expecting you to pay for anything and we don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. We have everything covered, feel free to just show up--it's not meant to inconvenience you!" Maybe she just really needs someone to call her out on her BS to understand she can't just bitch to/about people all day, because ultimately by not addressing it with you and only addressing it to DH, it's like she's trying to put a wedge between you two or assume her relationship will take precedence and he won't say something to you. Not cool. I'd totally speak up and in a way try to make her feel like crap for thinking she can act this way and assume its okay.
@Gretchypoo I would tell him he is more than welcome to drive up to get it, just make sure he does it by XYZ day, or it will be on the curb. And no, he cannot just call her Lizzie. I'd most likely be the bish that would say "well, if you insist on calling her Lizzie, then I guess you'll never meet her! That sucks, huh?!?" I don't take people's crap like that too well... there is no need for him to call her Lizzie. Absolutely none. Her name is Betty. Should she just refer to him by his first name instead of Grandpa?
@cruffino it sounds like your DH's relationship with his mom and him saying "that's just how she is don't worry about it" has become his version of normal without him realizing it's not a normally functional relationship. I understand that completely because it's similar to my own MIL, however him telling you not to worry about it doesn't work because it's absolutely affecting you, and causing needless tension regarding your shower. I'm sorry you're dealing with this
@Gretchypoo That does sound annoying with your FIL. Just be blunt with him and tell him not to call her that and correct him when he does. My name is Elizabeth (so I totally love your choice btw ) and just based on my experience she will get called other nicknames. I've always gone by Liz or Lizzie but there are people who just insist on calling me Beth. I would correct people at first but I got over it and just respond to those people now. Idk why people can't be considerate and just call you what you'd like to be called but it's clearly a challenge for some people and just isn't worth my breath to correct them each time, just to have them call me the wrong name again in 30 minutes.
Me: 33 | DH: 34 Married: October, 19, 2015 EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17 EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20 EDD 11/24/23 (Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
So, when my SIL was pregnant with my nephew, her and my brother requested all the grandparents and aunts and uncles get flu shots if they wanted to be around the baby. We all agreed no problem and have all gotten our flu shots every year since then which was 6 years ago. My mom also makes sure we're all up to date on TDAP.
When I started dating DH 5 years ago, I made him get a flu shot too, I assumed my younger brothers did the same with their SOs. My youngest brother was discussing getting his flu shot and I mentioned he should remind his girlfriend as well. Which is when he informed me his girlfriend and her family don't believe in vaccinations at all and therefore she wasn't getting a flu shot and has never had her TDAP vaccine. His girlfriend loves kids and is always holding my nieces and nephews and I assume she will want to do the same with my LO, but I'm really not comfortable with this if she's not vaccinated. Is there a nice to tell someone "Hands Off the kid"? Or am I stressing out over nothing?
@Gretchypoo Your FIL sounds like a huge douchebag. Her name is Betty, end of discussion. (Which is cuter btw!) That's tough to even know what to do with that, maybe have your H tell him to not call her Lizzy? Not sure if he would respond better to his son?
@MrsDramaK You're not stressing out over nothing. The vaccination thing is a big deal for me. If you decide you want to protect your kid from unvaccinated folks coming into too close proximity, that is a completely reasonable decision in my books. Some people will say you can't protect your kids from everything and that if they're going to be out in the world they will get exposed to stuff, but there's a difference between going for a walk in your stroller, maybe passing an unvaccinated family, and being cuddled and kissed by someone with no vaccination against pertussis.
If you've already had the conversation with your brother about her vaccination status, then you can pass on to him that as she's not covered against pertussis, she won't be able to be be around your LO until they are covered by their own shots. Do you think he would tell her that, or would he just hope that it gets forgotten in the new baby excitement to avoid making waves?
@Gretchypoo That does sound annoying with your FIL. Just be blunt with him and tell him not to call her that and correct him when he does. My name is Elizabeth (so I totally love your choice btw ) and just based on my experience she will get called other nicknames. I've always gone by Liz or Lizzie but there are people who just insist on calling me Beth. I would correct people at first but I got over it and just respond to those people now. Idk why people can't be considerate and just call you what you'd like to be called but it's clearly a challenge for some people and just isn't worth my breath to correct them each time, just to have them call me the wrong name again in 30 minutes.
Ha! I know people will call her different names, we loved Elizabeth bc there are so many nickname options! But, like you, I think you should just call people what they want to be called. My cousin' s name is Daniel. I called him Danny his whole life. When he was in college he decided he wanted to be called Dano. OKAY!
@Gretchypoo that's when you get all snarky back. Every time he says Lizzie be like "whoops Grandpa! I think you forgot her name is pronounced Betty again. I know it's hard to pronounce, but you'll get there!"
In all seriousness, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Dude sounds like a real jerk with some serious control issues.
Thanks, all. I'm glad I'm not overreacting here. I'll talk to H and have him talk to his dad about her name. And maybe I can come up with one liners if he continues this behavior.
re: the desk- FIL is supposed to pick it up tomorrow now. H has said he's painting on Saturday so if the desk is still there, he's taking a saw to it and putting it on the curb! Go, H!
@MrsDramaK You're not stressing out over nothing. The vaccination thing is a big deal for me. If you decide you want to protect your kid from unvaccinated folks coming into too close proximity, that is a completely reasonable decision in my books. Some people will say you can't protect your kids from everything and that if they're going to be out in the world they will get exposed to stuff, but there's a difference between going for a walk in your stroller, maybe passing an unvaccinated family, and being cuddled and kissed by someone with no vaccination against pertussis.
If you've already had the conversation with your brother about her vaccination status, then you can pass on to him that as she's not covered against pertussis, she won't be able to be be around your LO until they are covered by their own shots. Do you think he would tell her that, or would he just hope that it gets forgotten in the new baby excitement to avoid making waves?
My little brother will likely just not say anything and hope I forget or get over it. He's the most non-confrontational person ever and his girlfriend is the kind of person who says it's just "allergies" when she's visibly ill. Last time we saw her, she had lost her voice and was coughing and sneezing and claimed it was "allergies" yet three days later my brother and DH were sick with the same symptoms.
@MrsDramaK That's a tough battle to fight, but honestly, I completely agree with @poetryandoceans. Especially with having a baby born in the winter, I wouldn't take any chances with pertussis. It's not like giving your baby the sniffles and a little congestion, it can actually kill your newborn... I would require they wait until your baby has all of their shots before visiting if they're not going to vaccinate. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and if she doesn't want to personally vaccinate, then that's fine for her, but she should also respect your wishes too.
@MrsDramaK I'm really sorry that it sounds like your brother might try and rug-sweep this; it's important and your baby's health matters. I would firmly and clearly address it with her, perhaps in a way that doesn't single her out: group email with her included (not just your brother) explaining your boundaries around vaccination and visits. So you've made it clear, and then if/when your brother calls to arrange a time to visit after LO arrives, you can calmly ask if his GF has had her shots yet. If no, then he'll have to come visit on his own.
Honestly, especially with her disregarding her own symptoms in the past, I would feel very conflicted about having her around baby even if she were vaccinated against life-threatening illnesses - she might think her right to baby snuggles trump baby's right to not get a bad cold in the first few weeks of their life.
My MIL just told us that my DH had an allergic reaction to the TDAP when he was young so he's never had it. He's plenty of tetanus shots (because he's a boy who frequently says "well it seemed like a good idea at the time"). I'm a bit nervous about him not having having the TDAP vaccine. My MIL didn't really elaborate on what the adverse reaction was. Like can he just take some Benadryl and get the vaccine? Ugh I wish she had been more specific so we could make an informed choice on him getting the vaccine.
@poetryandoceans@TeacherMom2517 My family is super close and we spend a lot of time together, so I'm afraid I'm going to alienate my brother if I disclude her from things because she's not vaccinated, but on the other hand I don't want to have unnecessary anxiety about her choice not to vaccinate. I might just have my mother talk to the two of them cause they will take it more seriously coming from her verse me.
@poetryandoceans@TeacherMom2517 My family is super close and we spend a lot of time together, so I'm afraid I'm going to alienate my brother if I disclude her from things because she's not vaccinated, but on the other hand I don't want to have unnecessary anxiety about her choice not to vaccinate. I might just have my mother talk to the two of them cause they will take it more seriously coming from her verse me.
I don't think you're being dramatic here. It is literally life or death. If your mom is a more trusted messenger, talk to her. But you cant risk your baby' s health.
@MrsDramaK Do you think your mom will clearly stand up for why this is so important to you? Or is there a risk of her saying things like "well, it's important to her, but I don't know how necessary the shot actually is. But it's what your sister wants." I just ask because my mom tends to play both sides to avoid seeming like the bad guy, and it would be really unfortunate to have someone that should be reinforcing your message actually undermining it.
To echo what @Gretchypoo is saying, this is not small potatoes stakes. Aside from the illness question, we are talking about a new mom's peace of mind, which is a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to baby's safety and comfort too. If the worry over this is going to negatively impact your postpartum period, you should feel empowered to draw firm boundaries. Those firm boundaries can be expressed in a caring and loving way ("I respect GF's right to make the choices she has for her own body, and I understand where she is coming from. However, this is the choice I have made for my baby's safety. I look forward to the two of them spending time together when the time is right"). If those firm boundaries, expressed lovingly, cause your brother to feel alienated, you can reinforce that it has nothing to do with him, or indeed even his girlfriend, and it has everything to do with your LO and pertussis.
There are youtube clips floating around of what it sounds like when an infant has pertussis. If your brother can listen to that and say you should still let your LO be around unvaccinated people when it is a worry for you... well, I don't know what to say. But I think sometimes people forget the real life stakes that are at play in situations like this (because vaccination has worked so well that many of these illnesses were theoretical for a whole generation, and it's only anti-vaxxers that are making them a real threat again.... but I digress), and those kind of physical, tangible reminders can help people understand where you're coming from.
@poetryandoceans my mom will definitely stand up for, she'll also be good at getting more information. I realized that since my brother's girlfriend started college in 2012 and lived in campus housing, she probably got forced to have a TDAP vaccine since I know it's a requirement for her school. That would mean her TDAP vaccine is still good. I might be willing to let a flu shot slide if she's got the TDAP and just not let her touch the baby if she's visibly ill and limit her time with LO regardless.
@TeacherMom2517 i've thought about addressing her directly, and DH and i talked about it. @yogadevil is right that this is his "normal" and he doesn't want to rock the boat. that said, he shared with me that he attempted to talk with her about this shower stuff, asking her what her concerns were, and she shut him down saying she didn't want to discuss it. soooo...
i know its not healthy communication, and i've been trying to follow DH's lead with his family. we practice a "your family, your call" philosophy. but i also think that when (not if) this sort of bullshit starts happening in relation to the baby, then it'll be time for a real talk to set boundaries.
Re: Family Matters 10/16/16
Married: October, 19, 2015
EDD 2/22/17
EDD 3/8/20
EDD 11/24/23
(Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
i don't think there's one right answer in terms of what the relationship should look like. it depends on each person's boundaries and what makes sense in their own life. you and your DH know what's best for you and i wish you peace sorting it all out.
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
1) it's too expensive--however, she was never asked to contribute any $$$. she offered to contribute half, but when she found out the cost, she was not comfortable with the amount. my mom and sis appreciate any contribution she might make, but never expected any $$$ to begin with. in her complaints to DH, she copied and pasted my mom's responses to her about $$ which were along the lines, of "we appreciate your generosity, and are grateful for your contribution". so not a problem, right? well wrong,
2) because she goes on to say she's not comfortable with the whole thing and doesn't like "high end restaurants", and then to complain,
3) that she doesn't feel included even though (*at her own offering and insistence* ) she is making the desserts and has planned a game.
i know these are petty concerns and many of you are dealing with actual serious issues, so i don't want to over inflate this. i just always feel so defeated when it comes to this woman, because literally nothing is ever good enough to please her. i won't bore you with the many examples of this in the past. suffice to say you could give her a kidney and she would find something to complain about.
i also get so uncomfortable because to my face, she acts like everything is perfect, but she regularly complains to DH. and bless him because he usually shuts her down, but i feel bad that she puts him in this weird place. and she has no problem openly complaining to me about my SIL, so i can only assume that means that she bitches about me to others.
i'm a pretty direct person and i value the relationships in my life, so i have a hard time dealing with this. i would welcome a direct conversation, but its hard to see that actually happening. DH always says "this is just how she is and i'm used to it so don;t worry about it", and i've tried not to let it affect me too deeply, but then sometimes i get sooooooo annoyed, like now.
thanks for listening.
You should set a boundary with her that you won't listen to her complain about your SIL.
1. BACKGROUND: FIL is a complete know it all and he's not used to strong intelligent women and can be pretty sexist and condecending. But we don't worry about it too much since it is usually benevolent. So for example, when H and I were getting married we specifically did NOT want a church wedding. He planned one for us behind our backs. We had to shut it down but it still caused a lot of hurt feelings.
Fast forward to 5 years ago, H and I are living in a small 1 bedroom that doesn't even have a closet. We were using a hallway for a closet. FIL shows up one day with a huge corner desk (5ft long on both sides, 6 ft tall.) I come home and he and my BIL are putting it together. H and I were never consulted. So we kept it, moved it to our house when we bought it ( Where it doesn't it either) and H has never used it except to collect clutter. We told FIL we need to get rid of the desk bc we don't have room for it now that the office is becoming the nursery. HE GOT OFFENDED. That we are getting rid of a desk H has never used and we never asked for and still kept for 5 years. And now he's insisting on driving to our house 3 hrs away and getting the desk! I just want to paint my nursery!
2. We are naming the baby Elizabeth and calling her Betty. We told my FIL and he said he liked Elizabeth but he's going to call her Lizzie. Which is the one nickname H and I don't like for Elizabth. Dude, you got to name 2 kids. Just go with it. And my problem is they live 3 hrs away. So if FIL calls her Lizzie, so will my MIL and all their friends and everyone in their small town. And then I'm gonna be pissed and either have to correct EVERYONE or just roll with it and be hurt. I feel like he is taking away my right to name my child what I want.
TL/ DR my FIL has offically stepped on my pregnant lady nerves.
sorry about your FIL. start calling him out of his name and tell him you prefer it so what's his problem?
@Gretchypoo I would tell him he is more than welcome to drive up to get it, just make sure he does it by XYZ day, or it will be on the curb. And no, he cannot just call her Lizzie. I'd most likely be the bish that would say "well, if you insist on calling her Lizzie, then I guess you'll never meet her! That sucks, huh?!?" I don't take people's crap like that too well... there is no need for him to call her Lizzie. Absolutely none. Her name is Betty. Should she just refer to him by his first name instead of Grandpa?
Married: October, 19, 2015
EDD 2/22/17
EDD 3/8/20
EDD 11/24/23
(Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
When I started dating DH 5 years ago, I made him get a flu shot too, I assumed my younger brothers did the same with their SOs. My youngest brother was discussing getting his flu shot and I mentioned he should remind his girlfriend as well. Which is when he informed me his girlfriend and her family don't believe in vaccinations at all and therefore she wasn't getting a flu shot and has never had her TDAP vaccine. His girlfriend loves kids and is always holding my nieces and nephews and I assume she will want to do the same with my LO, but I'm really not comfortable with this if she's not vaccinated. Is there a nice to tell someone "Hands Off the kid"? Or am I stressing out over nothing?
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
not call her Lizzy? Not sure if he would respond better to his son?
If you've already had the conversation with your brother about her vaccination status, then you can pass on to him that as she's not covered against pertussis, she won't be able to be be around your LO until they are covered by their own shots. Do you think he would tell her that, or would he just hope that it gets forgotten in the new baby excitement to avoid making waves?
In all seriousness, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Dude sounds like a real jerk with some serious control issues.
re: the desk- FIL is supposed to pick it up tomorrow now. H has said he's painting on Saturday so if the desk is still there, he's taking a saw to it and putting it on the curb! Go, H!
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
Honestly, especially with her disregarding her own symptoms in the past, I would feel very conflicted about having her around baby even if she were vaccinated against life-threatening illnesses - she might think her right to baby snuggles trump baby's right to not get a bad cold in the first few weeks of their life.
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
To echo what @Gretchypoo is saying, this is not small potatoes stakes. Aside from the illness question, we are talking about a new mom's peace of mind, which is a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to baby's safety and comfort too. If the worry over this is going to negatively impact your postpartum period, you should feel empowered to draw firm boundaries. Those firm boundaries can be expressed in a caring and loving way ("I respect GF's right to make the choices she has for her own body, and I understand where she is coming from. However, this is the choice I have made for my baby's safety. I look forward to the two of them spending time together when the time is right"). If those firm boundaries, expressed lovingly, cause your brother to feel alienated, you can reinforce that it has nothing to do with him, or indeed even his girlfriend, and it has everything to do with your LO and pertussis.
There are youtube clips floating around of what it sounds like when an infant has pertussis. If your brother can listen to that and say you should still let your LO be around unvaccinated people when it is a worry for you... well, I don't know what to say. But I think sometimes people forget the real life stakes that are at play in situations like this (because vaccination has worked so well that many of these illnesses were theoretical for a whole generation, and it's only anti-vaxxers that are making them a real threat again.... but I digress), and those kind of physical, tangible reminders can help people understand where you're coming from.
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
i know its not healthy communication, and i've been trying to follow DH's lead with his family. we practice a "your family, your call" philosophy. but i also think that when (not if) this sort of bullshit starts happening in relation to the baby, then it'll be time for a real talk to set boundaries.