I'm sorry you're having to deal with that @PerraSucia.
My family issue for the week: My dad starts his first round of radiation tomorrow. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer a week after we announced our BFP. He is being very positive about it and is determined to be around to meet his first grandchild, but I am a nervous wreck. I am a huge daddy's girl and this has sent my anxiety through the roof.
@SawyerRichardson I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I'll be holding both of you in my heart as he starts radiation meeting his first grandchild is a HUGE mental motivation to stay strong and power through! Here's to happy and healthy thoughts
@SawyerRichardson Did they catch it pretty early? FIL was diagnosed when I was pregnant with DS1 and still hasn't done anything because he's scared. It has grown but not enough for them to be really pressuring him to treat it. They say more men will die with prostate cancer than OF prostate cancer.
@SawyerRichardson I'm so sorry about your dad's diagnosis! I hope they caught it early and he has a full recovery. My dad has/had cancer so if you need to talk, PM me any time.
@SawyerRichardson I'm sorry you guys are going through this! Do his doctors think his case is treatable with a good outcome? I will keep him in my prayers!
I haven't spoken to my father, in any capacity besides sending holiday cards to my step-mom, for almost 2 years. It is a long loooong story, but he is an alcoholic and has hurt me (emotionally, deeply) one too many times. He's called me many names- fat ass, c-u next tuesday, psycho b!tch, etc etc and most recently (2 years ago) he threatened to take my life/put out a hit on me. Which I know know know sounds so Sopranos or whatever, but he is actually really involved in a motorcycle club/has been to prison, a bunch of crazy crap that you see on HBO or something. He isn't *always* like that. But he most likely has BPD and that combined with his alcoholism is so volatile that I chose not to allow him in my or my family's life for our own emotional stability. I've had too many nights where I cried myself into icy cold water in the shower. He got a FB account a few months ago and after a lot of internal debate, conversation with my H, and prayer I decided to not do anything. Not request him, not message him, but also not pre-emptively block him either. The other day he commented on a picture on my aunt's profile from my wedding of him walking me down the aisle, asking me to get into contact with him. Since then I have been walking around in a daze. I am so tempted to throw myself back in the cycle, he *is* my dad. I *do* have good memories of him, and I *do * love him, but his diseases have hurt me. I've spent a lot of time (religious alert) accepting that my father in heaven is my true father and that the one on earth is, unfortunately, a biological link. I am also mad because what kind of passive aggressive shit is that? Why not reach out to me? I am choosing to ignore it. My pregnancy with DD2 was very tumultous- my husband's sister died in a freak accident, we moved, and I lost my job. I refuse to have another crazy emotional pregnancy. I am worried about what is to come.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
@peachesnbean I agree that your dad should take the necessary steps to reach out to you. Social media makes it easy to find someone and he has no excuse not to find you if he really wants to communicate. My dh and my FIL had a falling out and my dh left it up to my FIL to reach out and fix it. My FIL reached out and my dh was able to forgive and forget. But all situations and relationships are different.
@peachesnbean is he in recovery or anything? what do you know about his situation?
Nope. I truly believe he will never go through a recovery process. When he was working he insisted he didn't have a problem because it didn't interfere with his job, he still pulled 40 hours a week. Now he is retired. Part of his disease is he tries to compensate for his shortcomings around the milestone times. So our birthdays are both coming up next month, the holidays, I am sure he knows I am having his 4th grand-daughter by now. Its compensation time. Then if it doesn't go *exactly* as he has it pictured he lashes out big time.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
@peachesnbean that's such a complicated situation, I can absolutely see how you're torn. It's clear he's hurt you so deeply and I don't blame you one bit for not reaching out to him right now. He seems a bit volatile if things don't go how he imagined, it's selfish really, and you deserve a lot more compassion than that
@SawyerRichardson sending positive thoughts and energy for your dad!
@peachesnbean that's so tough! I really hope one day your dad can get and stay sober. Both of my parents were addicts and I was so convinced they would die from their addiction but miraculously they both became and so far have remained sober. I think if you want to maintain contact with your dad (which I totally get (There is something about that parental tie) do it when and because you are in the space to do so. Don't do it out of guilt or feeling sorry for your dad. And do it on your own terms. Take it slow, feel him out and proceed as it feels right to do so. Also try to stay prepared that he may slip back into his old abusive ways and that can hurt emotionally all over again, but at least you'll know you tried because of the sweet person you are. Take care of protecting you above all else. Hugs!!!
@SawyerRichardson I'm sorry about your father's diagnosis. My FIL was diagnosed with prostate cancer earlier this year, too. He recently completed radiation therapy and is now cancer free! He is recovering from sind if the side effects from radiation, though. He gets diarrhea and it hurts when he pees. And the hormone pills made him really weak. But he's starting to get his energy back now. He's 70 yrs old, btw. @PerraSucia ya, his doctor told me that people don't die from prostate cancer. They usually die from heart problems, high blood pressure, etc. I also asked him about what my husband's chances are and he said the older my husband is, the chances increase. He also told me to keep him away from animal fat as much as possible, which I do keep an eye on. If either of you ladies have any questions about this topic, please feel free to ask. At the time FIL was diagnosed, I was his primary caregiver and I had no clue about anything that had to do with prostate cancer, so I ended up doing a lot of research.
Thanks for the positive vibes ladies! You are all so wonderful. They caught it at a routine check up, but I believe it was pretty early. His prognosis is good, but you know when anyone mentions the word "Cancer" it's always a little scary.
Thanks for the reassurance. My dad is about the same age, @AfKash , he is 65. His doctor said that if everything goes as planned he should be cancer-free by Christmas. Fingers crossed!
@peachesnbean - I understand. My bio dad/sperm donor was never a part of my life from day 1. My mom married when I was about 5, he adopted me and they had my sister a few years later. He also had some mental instability which was later diagnosed as bipolar with rage outbursts, but it started getting really bad b/c he developed a major addiction problem (alcohol and pills). He was verbally abusive to me from probably age 10 onward. He never said anything positive until I graduated highschool, and it was in a card saying "Daddy is so proud of you" after all those years of mistreating me and saying he was not my real father and didn't accept me. He then had an episode where he forgot who he was and drove out of state and was picked up by police b/c he was wandering around confused and they committed him for 4 months for mental and substance treatments. Fast forward to recently, he has gotten sober a few times, so I tried to start forgiving him to some extent...but he has recently fallen hard off the wagon and the last time I talked to him he told me he was using again b/c he needs to to numb his pain, and then in the next breath says his fiance bought baby stuff for his house for when the baby is over there. I was thinking ARE YOU NUTS? You will not be watching my daughter, you can't even stay sober. I didn't say that out loud though. And I haven't heard from him since (that was over a month ago, after only hearing from him by text congratulating me on my pregnancy and then telling me he wanted to commit suicide but he went to his therapist and felt better and would love to have DH and I come for dinner which is when he said he was using again but thinks he is watching his granddaughter at his house) so I am assuming he has been on a bender and way messed up.
@peachesnbean I'm so sorry this has thrown a wrench into your life. It's very sad and hard when parents let us down and aren't the people who we imagined them to be at different parts in our life. One thing I've really tried to focus on with my parents (and other people too) in my life lately is that you have a choice, and its either to love and accept them where they are at, or leave them out. Unfortunately, trying to connect with people under the hope that they will change and create the relationship you want with them most often only hurts and lets you down because you are hoping for that change and not them. When I had my greatest struggles with my dad, it was actually through conversations with my parish priest that I found the best advice and most healing for how to continue. I can't imagine the anxiety this must be giving you now, but as a mama, your well being and that of your children are most certainly your first priority--then you can consider his role if you choose to. I'll keep you in my prayers!
@peachesnbean sorry I didn't get a chance to read this earlier. I'm so sorry that this has come up right now. Take the time to do what is right for you right now and maybe revisit his situation after your LO is born? That's a lot of stress to be adding at the moment. I hope it all works out for the best for you though.
@peachesnbean sorry I didn't get a chance to read this earlier. I'm so sorry that this has come up right now. Take the time to do what is right for you right now and maybe revisit his situation after your LO is born? That's a lot of stress to be adding at the moment. I hope it all works out for the best for you though.
Thanks everyone! It's such a crazy situation with him. I've seriously debated a memoir but people would think I went all "A Million a little Pieces" because of the level of crazy. Sawyer- that's my plan. I think I'll send him a birthday card and of course the holiday cards. But I'm not about to expose myself while pregnant. It just all feels too familiar.
DD1- Aug11 Angel Baby- June13, said goodbye Oct12 DD2- Aug13 DD3- due Feb17
@peachesnbean I'm sorry your dad is putting you in such an uncomfortable/difficult predicament. I also have a bad past with my father and we no longer have any type of relationship/ haven't spoken in like 6 years. Sometimes I do think about trying to forgive/ reaching out but deep down I know that he most likely will never change and I would just be setting myself up for disappointment. It's ok to just move on with your life and accept that he is toxic without feeling guilty. I guess I've learned that just because someone is your parent doesn't mean you need them and can live a full and happy life without them. I hope you can make a decision on what to do that you feel comfortable and content with!
@SawyerRichardson a little late to comment, but sending good vibes your dad's way! My FIL was diagnosed with prostate cancer over the summer as well. Like, your dad, they caught it early. I believe he had the option of radiation or removing some/all of his prostate; he did the latter. He is still recovering from the procedure, but he is cancer-free. Luckily, prostate cancer has a pretty high survival rate when caught early; hoping your dad has a speedy recovery!
@peachesnbean sorry you are going through this with your dad. While I have a good relationship with my dad, both of my parents had rocky relationships with their parents. As my dad says - you cannot choose who you share blood with, but you CAN choose who your family is. Just because someone is biologically related to you does not mean that you have to let them into your life. It sounds like keeping your distance from your dad is a great way to protect yourself, and your family, emotionally from the damage he causes.
@SawyerRichardson fingers crossed for your dad's speedy recovery! Sending thoughts of comfort and health!
@peachesnbean I'm so sorry about the situation with your dad. I would not blame you at all if you declined. Seems like too little too late, to me, but I've become calloused to toxic people. If I were in your situation, I would need proof that he's making a serious effort to change before letting him have access to my family, and the absolute bare minimum (seriously, especially since he was obviously one click away from your profile days ago) just wouldn't cut it. But I also would respect and try to understand giving him another shot. Stand your ground though if he falls back into negative behaviors towards you or yours. Hugs.
So, I am still processing. My mother showed up unannounced at my house yesterday, and basically had a breakdown in my kitchen. She left sobbing. It is a long draining story but the gist is it's all my fault for not letting her "be part of my life". Anything I tried to say to calm her down or make it better, immediately got turned against me. I say I was surprised to see her, and I thought we were ok. She says, well excuse me for barging in and ruining your day. I say, I feel like you are part of my life; she says I don't want her in my life, and don't I know she loves me more than when I was in her belly (angry gesturing towards my stomach)?
I still kind of feel numb from the whole experience. I don't even know how to describe the whole thing except she left, and I felt like I was in shock. I called my brother and we agree she really needs to get back in therapy and back on antidepressants. I have no idea how to even bring that up, since basically yesterday she already thinks I don't love her.
Oh, and that conversation we had about boundaries a few weeks back? Apparently she's just been stewing on that this whole time. She also denied her sudden clingy behavior that spawned that conversation, and insisted that I pull up my phone and show her where she was repeatedly texting and calling me. When I did and she saw it, she said nothing except, "Well I am your MOTHER and I WORRY about you!"
@WinchesterGirl I'm sorry you're going through this. Is your mom bipolar? That almost sounds like a manic episode. Either way, it was completely out of line. I'm glad you're working on boundaries. It sounds like you need to re-establish them and talk to her with your brother about therapy and meds. She clearly needs them.
PS- Know there was nothing you could have said right in that situation. She wanted to blow up and "punish" you (my words, maybe not hers) and she did. She will probably act like everything is fine next time you talk. (At least, that is my experience with a bipolar family member)
Thanks @Gretchypoo. She hasn't officially been diagnosed with anything, except depression. I have kind of wondered about her maybe being bipolar, but frankly if she is it's undiagnosed, or she at least didn't tell us.
I am very lucky to have my brother; he has the same overall relationship with her, but for some reason she only does this kind of blow up thing to me. She will not do it to him.
@WinchesterGirl I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I have a family member who is like this, where everything is my fault and she's always the victim. Many times, I would leave feeling guilty AF. Please know that none of this is your fault. Your mom is doing this to herself. She needs to get into therapy. Can you ask your brother to talk to her since she'll feel attacked if you ask her?
@WinchesterGirl How stressful! I was going to second what @Gretchypoo said. Bipolar Disorder sounds plausible. I know family stress is horrible! I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you!
@Winchestergirl I'm sorry you're going through this. Parents truly seem to have a hard time adjusting to seeing their children be adults and not constantly need them. Many women seem to have a need to be needed and unfortunately there is nothing you can really do to fix that for her. Having depression on top of it I'm sure only exacerbates this for her and she's not adjusting well to you having a new focus. I have the same situation where my mom always places these feelings and freak outs on me, and absolutely never on my brothers... maybe moms think their girls are more understanding and forgiving? I don't understand it. I wish I had wise words to help you out or guide you to a solution, but sadly I'm in a similar situation and can't make much sense of it. Sending you tons and tons of hugs! Keep taking care of yourself!
@WinchesterGirl im sorry you had to deal with that this weekend. Life in general is stessful enough without adding in drama like that! Can your brother help talk to her? Do what you need to for your own sanity & health. Xxx
Thank you ladies, I appreciate all of the thoughts and hugs. It was very stressful, and I think for now I'm going to try to just take some space, and eventually maybe sit down with some backup from DH and my brother to try to talk to her about getting back into therapy.
@TeacherMom2517 & @yogadevil You also nailed it - my mom needs to be needed. She is never happier than when she is helping us, which is sweet at times. But, I'm an extremely independent person, and I take pride in taking care of myself/my family.
Re: Family Matters 10/16/16
@PerraSucia hope you're hanging in there!
My family issue for the week: My dad starts his first round of radiation tomorrow. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer a week after we announced our BFP. He is being very positive about it and is determined to be around to meet his first grandchild, but I am a nervous wreck. I am a huge daddy's girl and this has sent my anxiety through the roof.
Husband: 35
Married: June 2007
Son Max born 1/10/17
BFP #2: 10/5/17; EDD: 6/11/18
My dh and my FIL had a falling out and my dh left it up to my FIL to reach out and fix it. My FIL reached out and my dh was able to forgive and forget. But all situations and relationships are different.
@peachesnbean that's so tough! I really hope one day your dad can get and stay sober. Both of my parents were addicts and I was so convinced they would die from their addiction but miraculously they both became and so far have remained sober. I think if you want to maintain contact with your dad (which I totally get (There is something about that parental tie) do it when and because you are in the space to do so. Don't do it out of guilt or feeling sorry for your dad. And do it on your own terms. Take it slow, feel him out and proceed as it feels right to do so. Also try to stay prepared that he may slip back into his old abusive ways and that can hurt emotionally all over again, but at least you'll know you tried because of the sweet person you are. Take care of protecting you above all else. Hugs!!!
He recently completed radiation therapy and is now cancer free! He is recovering from sind if the side effects from radiation, though. He gets diarrhea and it hurts when he pees. And the hormone pills made him really weak. But he's starting to get his energy back now. He's 70 yrs old, btw.
@PerraSucia ya, his doctor told me that people don't die from prostate cancer. They usually die from heart problems, high blood pressure, etc. I also asked him about what my husband's chances are and he said the older my husband is, the chances increase. He also told me to keep him away from animal fat as much as possible, which I do keep an eye on.
If either of you ladies have any questions about this topic, please feel free to ask. At the time FIL was diagnosed, I was his primary caregiver and I had no clue about anything that had to do with prostate cancer, so I ended up doing a lot of research.
Thanks for the reassurance. My dad is about the same age, @AfKash , he is 65. His doctor said that if everything goes as planned he should be cancer-free by Christmas. Fingers crossed!
@peachesnbean sorry you are going through this with your dad. While I have a good relationship with my dad, both of my parents had rocky relationships with their parents. As my dad says - you cannot choose who you share blood with, but you CAN choose who your family is. Just because someone is biologically related to you does not mean that you have to let them into your life. It sounds like keeping your distance from your dad is a great way to protect yourself, and your family, emotionally from the damage he causes.
@peachesnbean I'm so sorry about the situation with your dad. I would not blame you at all if you declined. Seems like too little too late, to me, but I've become calloused to toxic people. If I were in your situation, I would need proof that he's making a serious effort to change before letting him have access to my family, and the absolute bare minimum (seriously, especially since he was obviously one click away from your profile days ago) just wouldn't cut it. But I also would respect and try to understand giving him another shot. Stand your ground though if he falls back into negative behaviors towards you or yours. Hugs.
I still kind of feel numb from the whole experience. I don't even know how to describe the whole thing except she left, and I felt like I was in shock. I called my brother and we agree she really needs to get back in therapy and back on antidepressants. I have no idea how to even bring that up, since basically yesterday she already thinks I don't love her.
Oh, and that conversation we had about boundaries a few weeks back? Apparently she's just been stewing on that this whole time. She also denied her sudden clingy behavior that spawned that conversation, and insisted that I pull up my phone and show her where she was repeatedly texting and calling me. When I did and she saw it, she said nothing except, "Well I am your MOTHER and I WORRY about you!"
I'm glad you have a brother that is supportive!
I am very lucky to have my brother; he has the same overall relationship with her, but for some reason she only does this kind of blow up thing to me. She will not do it to him.
@TeacherMom2517 & @yogadevil You also nailed it - my mom needs to be needed. She is never happier than when she is helping us, which is sweet at times. But, I'm an extremely independent person, and I take pride in taking care of myself/my family.