Ugh, This thread stressed me out all over again. I have no idea how I'm going to handle my ILs. Literally every time they talk to one of us, they make sure to mention that they WILL BE HERE when the baby is born. I get it. But I don't want it, and DH is super sensitive to the whole issue. I'm demanding that they get a hotel if they are going to fly out, I can't handle them staying with us while we have a newborn. His mom is the type who makes it very clear she thinks you're doing everything wrong and will just take over. I can't handle that.
But DH thinks that's rude of us to make them pay for a hotel, they should stay with us. He gets really upset with me whenever he feels like I'm dissing his parents...which I'm not trying to do. It's just so frustrating. I think I'm just going to snap and tell him that I need him to support me, his wife, and put my needs above his want to make his parents happy. Is that wrong?
Ugh, This thread stressed me out all over again. I have no idea how I'm going to handle my ILs. Literally every time they talk to one of us, they make sure to mention that they WILL BE HERE when the baby is born. I get it. But I don't want it, and DH is super sensitive to the whole issue. I'm demanding that they get a hotel if they are going to fly out, I can't handle them staying with us while we have a newborn. His mom is the type who makes it very clear she thinks you're doing everything wrong and will just take over. I can't handle that.
But DH thinks that's rude of us to make them pay for a hotel, they should stay with us. He gets really upset with me whenever he feels like I'm dissing his parents...which I'm not trying to do. It's just so frustrating. I think I'm just going to snap and tell him that I need him to support me, his wife, and put my needs above his want to make his parents happy. Is that wrong?
-------SITB------
IMO you're not wrong. What's wrong here is your DH glossing over your needs for his family's mere wants.
I could've written your first paragraph. And the way I've tried to describe it to DH is if he was having his kidney removed through his urethra, would he want my family there moments after or staying with us? Nope. He can say "but everyone is just as excited as us" all he wants but the truth is the recovery from birth trumps a MIL who criticizes and wants to take over. I hope your husband can see the light and understand where youre coming from, maybe it will help to set some boundaries now, or worst case scenario go ahead and pull a yogadevil and plan to not tell them when you're in labor. Your birth is about you doing what's best for you and the baby, your recovery is the same. DH is just along for the ride *creepy Internet hugs in solidarity*
I was staunchly in the no sleep training camp until DD was 8 months old and still waking every 3 hours. We listened to Ferber on audio book and it was the best thing we ever did! @FishyMom
@scifichick09 It's not wrong of you at all. He needs to be on your team and put his new family first. It's totally understandable that he wants his family to see his new baby and include them. But he should also understand that labor/delivery/birth is exhausting and trying to recover from that plus taking care of a newborn isn't always the ideal circumstances for having stay-in visitors. If you plan to nurse, you'll want to be able to do it anywhere and if you want to nap when baby naps, you'll want to do it whenever you can and without feeling obligated to entertain them.
H will take his Pat leave and be home for 6 weeks. With DD, he was still in school and it was horrible. He was always gone. DD will be in school 9-3, and H will be here so no need for anyone to stay.
Thanks @bumpasaurusrex that makes me feel better. I was afraid I was being a brat.
But even if you were (I don't think you are) that's YOUR choice. You are never obligated to host anyone, let alone when you've just evicted a human being from your body!
@scifichick09 You are NOT wrong. Stick to your guns on this one. My ILs have a weird arrangement where my FIL stays at home in NY for the winter and my MIL stays here in town with a friend of hers from Christmas to Easter. FIL and the friend do not get along, and he thought he was welcome to stay with us when he comes to see the baby. I've explained in no uncertain terms that he is NOT invited to stay with us. In fact, I also do not intend to host my ILs for Christmas this year. They usually stay with us for several days, but I am not having company in my house when I'm 7 months pregnant. If it's selfish to take care of my needs when I'm vulnerable, if it's selfish to be protective of my baby's environment in his or her earliest days, then I guess I fit the bill. And I'm not sorry.
Our maternity leave sucks too. I have to use up my sick/vacation days and I had to pay into short term disability which only pays 60% and I had to pay for it a year in advance before I could use it.
I know good maternity leave is one of my major voting issues now. Candidates that are for it, I will vote for.
Because I don't qualify for FMLA I only get my 6 weeks of state disability. I may be quitting after number two though....IDK. I guess we will see when the time comes. I only work 2 days a week, and may be happy for the escape.
I have to get this out because I'm so effing irritated. So H's cousin got married and new wife (D) talked a bunch of mad shit about my (almost) SIL the first time I ever talked to her. I was shocked and pretty disgusted. Fast forward to 6 months later and D is acting like her BFF and SIL is gushing on FB about how they are besties. She has no idea all the shit that was talked. I HATE two faced people, but telling SIL will only devaste her and cause a HUGE family drama.
So now that I am at work I will share my IL story. They came about 2 weeks after DD was born and stayed with us for a week and then my MIL stayed an extra 5 days or so. So I will have to set the scene... new mom... trying very hard to breastfeed but it was a VERY rocky beginning due to latch issues.. a VERY hungry baby.. a colicy baby.. and a MIL who thinks she runs the show...
We never really had a great relationship, she was miserable at our wedding because her son was getting married.. whatever... So while she was there she would take my crying baby and leave the room with her. I knew she was crying because she was hungry and wanted to nurse. But my MIL would try and (what I feel) hide the fact that DD was crying. So she would do this almost constantly, hold the baby ALL day and then when DD would cry run into another room. Finally, I snapped and was crying and yelled at her for not giving me my baby when she was OBVIOUSLY crying to eat. She claimed she was just trying to help and what not and I told her she was NOT helping my running into another room with my crying child.
She still tries to take DD into other rooms away from me when she is around. My DD is a momma's girl and it drives MIL crazy. I will say that my MIL is very good with her now and I appreciate their relationship, but I wish she wouldn't hold so much animosity towards the relationship I have with my own daughter.
I have to get this out because I'm so effing irritated. So H's cousin got married and new wife (D) talked a bunch of mad shit about my (almost) SIL the first time I ever talked to her. I was shocked and pretty disgusted. Fast forward to 6 months later and D is acting like her BFF and SIL is gushing on FB about how they are besties. She has no idea all the shit that was talked. I HATE two faced people, but telling SIL will only devaste her and cause a HUGE family drama.
I wouldn't say anything either but damn, I'd be SO tempted. I can't stand two faced people.
************* First BFP: 12/16/13 EDD: 08/23/14 Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
@scifichick09it sounds like your DH and mine are similar when it comes to their parents. I sat my DH down last time and told him that we do not know if I will struggle with PPD or PPA and how hard adjusting to our new family is going to be. I also expressed how important it is that we do what is best for our immediate family (meaning him, me and the new baby) before anyone else comes into play. I also explained hormones are ALL over the place and that if he didn't want to deal with a crazy hormonal wife due to his mom's judgments and possible comments taken wrong his parents will need to stay somewhere else if they are here for the birth or come later. I think really sitting down and talking about the concerns you have and letting him know that HE will be expected to pick up the pieces is important.
@FishyMom I commend you on not snapping at her earlier. I would have lost my everloving shit if anyone was constantly taking my crying child away from me. I am so sorry that happened and I hope she understands how completely inappropriate that was and won't try it with this baby.
On Inlaws - I also make my husband have those conversations and I have him phrase it as "I (meaning him) want you to wait and come a week after the baby is born."
We we also made the decision that we are no longer spending Christmas Day out of town visiting them. We used to alternate years, and took DD there on Christmas when she was two months old....but I want her to have the magic of Christmas at home for the few years that she believes in Santa. I don't think DH has told them that yet - they are going to flip. Oh well.
@bumpasaurusrex aww thanks! I think this time she will be more in tune with playing with DD and letting me do my own thing with the baby. At least I hope so!
I also have no idea how I will handle my ILs when the baby comes. We have a good relationship but sometimes can be a little too much since they live out of state and come stay with us for extended periods. They live about 8 hours away and as soon as my SIL went into labor last year they were immediately on the road to be there. They stayed in the hospital the entire time waiting until she gave birth. That was their first grandchild but my baby will only be their second, so I doubt anything will be different. Being a FTM I know I will want my mom there to help me, so I feel like I can't tell my ILs they can't come if my parents are there...
@lfrank12 I totally feel you. I initially had that problem too, luckily, it turned out that my mom can't come out until March...so that pretty much fixed that problem. Maybe put it to you ILs that you appreciate their help and feel like it'd be most useful if they came after your mom leaves, that way they get more one on one time? That way it doesn't seem like your pushing them away, more like it's for their benefit.
@angeltennis3 I LOVE the idea of having my husband have the conversations and make it HIS say that they need to stay somewhere else. I feel like any time my husband says "we," they hear me talking. Good call.
@scifichick09 That's a good idea! I am afraid just knowing how they are they won't accept not being there when the baby is born. But maybe I can use that logic for the first week home and encourage them to drive two hours to visit grandchild #1 for a few days in between
How does everyone handle visitors in the hospital? I feel like I'm going to want some private time with just DH and baby but don't know how long I will be able to fend off the grandparents. They are very eager and involved if you couldn't already tell!
DH had a blow up with his sister a couple of year's ago about Christmas scheduling and it was the most freeing thing ever to be able to wake up leisurely and enjoy watching our kids open their gifts and get cleaned up and still have some time to play before we had to leave to go anywhere. We really came to realize that at this point in our lives it's about spending and enjoying time with our kids and not about meeting the expectations of others (even if they are also family).
We're happy to spend some time with them on or around the holidays, but it has to be in a way that doesn't compromise the quality of the time we're spending with our immediate family.
(Short version of the drama was that SIL had gotten divorced and moved in with her baby's daddy 45 minutes away and expected everyone to conform to his family's Christmas schedule which directly and completely conflicted with my family's Christmas schedule. Her ex-DH's family had always been on the same schedule as my family so we had all operated under the same schedule for at least the 15 years I was involved and DH says it had been the same for at least the 5 years before that as well. That first year I was willing to try some sort of compromise where we would miss most of both family's but would at least get to be there for some of each, but DH said it wasn't worth putting the kids [and us] through that kind of mess where they barely start getting settled into where we are then we strap them in the car for 45 minutes. He preferred to just skip his family's and go to mine. He generally prefers time spent with my family anyway and since my grandmother hosts all their kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids there was no way it was going to be moved to another time. I'm so glad I didn't push harder to try to do everything!)
@scifichick09 That's a good idea! I am afraid just knowing how they are they won't accept not being there when the baby is born. But maybe I can use that logic for the first week home and encourage them to drive two hours to visit grandchild #1 for a few days in between
How does everyone handle visitors in the hospital? I feel like I'm going to want some private time with just DH and baby but don't know how long I will be able to fend off the grandparents. They are very eager and involved if you couldn't already tell!
@lfrank12 my parents live 10 minutes away from us. At first, they wanted to be there while I was in labor. I told them that honestly stressed me out and that we would call them when DD arrived and they could still be there very shortly after. They came the night she was born for about an hour and one other day for about an hour.
My Inlaws are out of town, so we told them to just wait til we were home and would figure it out.
We allowed no other visitors in the hospital.
If you are worried about too many visitors....I vote lie and say they only allow x number of visitors MAX because of cold and flu season.
Omg. We're talking about in laws?!! I'm a FTM. My FIL just got diagnosed with prostate cancer in March. At that time, he was living here in Chicago. But his wife has been living with their daughter in Atlanta. My husband was oversees. So when FIL got the diagnosis, I was his primary caretaker. I also work full time. I took him to all his diagnostic testing, doctors appointments, prescription pick ups. Well, one day out of nowhere, I get a call from my MIL stating that FIL is going to move to Atlanta and get his treatments there. Ummmmmm okkkk. They didn't even bother to ask me or my husband any advice. Didn't bother talking to the doctors. Didn't look into if his insurance would transfer and how long he would have to wait before being able to see a doctor there. Long story short, I was mad but also relieved that I didn't have to worry about him anymore. BUT, I knew that in just a few weeks, they are going to want to move back to Chicago and move in with me because they'll realize what a stupid mistake they made. That's exactly what happened a couple weeks ago. My husband is now back home. I got pregnant right away. And MIL calls my husband crying saying that FIL's insurance still hasn't come through and they can't afford his prescriptions bla, bla, bla. She wants to move in with us!!! I was super angry. My husband of course was worried and sad and wanting to help. But I told him, I'm pregnant now. And I can barely take care of myself let alone a cancer patient. It's not just that he has cancer. But the fact that neither of my in laws follow doctors advice. They do whatever the hell they want and then cry about why they're not getting better. I can't deal with that. Urghhhh!! I had so many night terrors that week just from the stress. For now though, my husband told them that it's not possible for them to move in with us (we only have a 1 bedroom, btw!!!) But I know that in a few weeks they're going to try again to persuade my husband. It's just a cycle that's going to continue. I know it. Especially when the baby finally comes. No way. Thankfully, I have my mom here near me and that's all the help I want or need.
So now that I am at work I will share my IL story. They came about 2 weeks after DD was born and stayed with us for a week and then my MIL stayed an extra 5 days or so. So I will have to set the scene... new mom... trying very hard to breastfeed but it was a VERY rocky beginning due to latch issues.. a VERY hungry baby.. a colicy baby.. and a MIL who thinks she runs the show...
We never really had a great relationship, she was miserable at our wedding because her son was getting married.. whatever... So while she was there she would take my crying baby and leave the room with her. I knew she was crying because she was hungry and wanted to nurse. But my MIL would try and (what I feel) hide the fact that DD was crying. So she would do this almost constantly, hold the baby ALL day and then when DD would cry run into another room. Finally, I snapped and was crying and yelled at her for not giving me my baby when she was OBVIOUSLY crying to eat. She claimed she was just trying to help and what not and I told her she was NOT helping my running into another room with my crying child.
She still tries to take DD into other rooms away from me when she is around. My DD is a momma's girl and it drives MIL crazy. I will say that my MIL is very good with her now and I appreciate their relationship, but I wish she wouldn't hold so much animosity towards the relationship I have with my own daughter.
WTH was your MIL thinking taking away a hungry baby from its mom??? Was SHE going to try to breastfeed the baby, herself? That makes absolutely no sense! She's just making it worse for poor child! Omg, I can't stand MIL's. I'm sorry for what you went through.
In the minority here, but I'm not opposed to more visitors post baby. Assuming things go well and everyone is healthy and up for it. To be fair though, I'm really lucky and my close family and friends are helpful and not pushy.
Sorry, one more rant ....on visitors in the hospital. I've seen when my sisters and aunts were in the hospital after just having had delivered.....there is no privacy at all. I don't know about everyone else but in my family, like EVERYBODY went to the hospital to see the new baby. Even random uncles. And then it was so embarrassing when the nurse would come in to check on wounds and breast-feeding. I was so embarrassed for my aunts and sisters. So that's why after I deliver, I am not allowing any men to come into the room. I don't need them seeing me in a hospital gown or hear about how my vaginal tear is doing. Yeesh!!
DH and I haven't really talked about it yet, so I don't know where he stands, but I don't want any visitors for the for 24hrs (I am willing to negotiate that time down, but bare minimum I want the first 8 hrs to myself and DH). After that, they can pop in here and there. I know my grandma and his parents will want to see baby IMMEDIATELY, but I'm just not having that. I need some personal time with me, my baby, and my husband. They've all had their own kids, this is my time.
All the people can come to our house on Christmas Day. The more the merrier, I don't mind.
But we've made it known ever since having DS that we spend that holiday at home. We both had such good memories of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts, having a yummy breakfast (which mostly consisted of cookies), and spending the day together in our jammies that we really wanted that for our own kids.
Plus, I can't be the only one who gets a kick out of watching my husband trying to put toys together and cursing under his breath.
@BumpasaurusRex putting toys together in my house turns into a major fiasco! First husband tries unsuccessfully without the instructions. Then I attempt to fix it with the instructions. The darn instructions never make any sense. It's madness with kids nagging for their toys, and we do the same exact cycle every single time. Lol
Visitors in hospital: I prefer to do most of my laboring at home, so by the time I get there, I want to see nobody at all besides H. Family stays out in waiting room. Once the baby is born and I get cleaned up, we allow our parents in the room for a few minutes. After our parents I let mine and H's siblings in the room to visit, but we don't let anyone linger too long. And we are not close enough to our aunts and uncles so other than our immediate family, nobody else is allowed in at any point. Once baby and I get home and settled a couple days, we let family make arrangements to come to the house for visits, but not a million people at once, we space them out over a couple weeks.
In laws: I got major flash backs reading the in law stuff and started feeling flustered and stressed. Good grief!! Ugh... it's all coming painfully coming back, I'm already sitting hear telling myself "Just breathe"
I haven't completely caught up yet, I just want to say @scifichick09 you are not being selfish at all. DH and I had to have similar conversations quite regularly when we were first married. We used to eat dinner with his family regularly, but MIL kept "forgetting" about my food allergies and I had to put my foot down. Once I looked him dead in the eye and said, "This is a serious issue for me, and if you are not going to support me in this, I will have to support myself. This is not ok, and I will not put up with it anymore." He realized he had to stand up to them. Ever since, he has been 100% supportive, and he deals with managing their expectations.
Another thing, I was reading a book a while ago (I really wish I could remember which one so that I could cite here), and it had this great part about what is the dad's role in the newborn phase? The answer was that he is supposed to protect the nest. We do the hard job of growing and getting these babies out, he gets to be the guard to make sure we get rested and recovered without too much outside interference. It may not work for everyone, but we have serious issues with boundary stompers on both sides... so I think it will work for us.
Every 2 years MILs siblings and all their kids do a family reunion. They all stay in the same place ( this year it was a mansion in the mountains) and do all this family stuff. It's one of my worst nightmares, being in a house with that many people. We went up for 2 afternoons and I hated it. I don't plan on attending one, ever.
@WinchesterGirl I've never heard that (guarding the nest) and I love it.
I do struggle with a little guilt because I know that it's so exciting for family and friends and I'd never want to make anyone feel like I'm squashing their excitement/happiness. At the same time, it's a little hurtful that family places these expectations upon new parents of having to be 'on' and take the back seat to their own feelings. The new parents should get the time they want (and deserve) with their own child before the masses start filing in. It's hurtful for me, as a woman, to feel....like I don't matter anymore once a child is outside of my body. Like, "hey, thanks for that period of incubation, mind if I hold your minutes-old baby? Kthanks!"
@WinchesterGirl I've never heard that (guarding the nest) and I love it.
I do struggle with a little guilt because I know that it's so exciting for family and friends and I'd never want to make anyone feel like I'm squashing their excitement/happiness. At the same time, it's a little hurtful that family places these expectations upon new parents of having to be 'on' and take the back seat to their own feelings. The new parents should get the time they want (and deserve) with their own child before the masses start filing in. It's hurtful for me, as a woman, to feel....like I don't matter anymore once a child is outside of my body. Like, "hey, thanks for that period of incubation, mind if I hold your minutes-old baby? Kthanks!"
The ILs refer to any pregnant family member as the "baby vessel" and it is so gross to me.
Honestly, I was so excited when my nieces and nephew were born. I was at the hospital the day of for 2 of the 3 and the very next day for the other one (I had a midterm the morning after he was born otherwise I would have been their the same day). If my parents, siblings, ILs all want to be there I would definitely let them, not for the pushing but once I'm cleaned up I think I'd be fine with any and all visitors.
@fourPsinapod my MIL referred to me as "Gordita" (which means little fatty) when we told her the news. I told my DH he needed to tell her she can't call me that. First of all, I felt like that was super rude, but also, I've dealt with weight issues for years and felt like I was actually in a good place at that time...so that just made me feel like absolute shit.
Thankfully he must've said something because she hasn't called me that since.
@FishyMom I snapped at MIL "just give me my baby already" at a huge family thing and it was a big drama but like he was crying so much my boobs were leaking
@AfKash my FIL was also diagnosed with prostate cancer while I was pregnant and I know while doing radiation he wasn't allowed to be near me or hold babies. Just a FYI
Re: Weekly Randoms (7/25)
Ugh, This thread stressed me out all over again. I have no idea how I'm going to handle my ILs. Literally every time they talk to one of us, they make sure to mention that they WILL BE HERE when the baby is born. I get it. But I don't want it, and DH is super sensitive to the whole issue. I'm demanding that they get a hotel if they are going to fly out, I can't handle them staying with us while we have a newborn. His mom is the type who makes it very clear she thinks you're doing everything wrong and will just take over. I can't handle that.
But DH thinks that's rude of us to make them pay for a hotel, they should stay with us. He gets really upset with me whenever he feels like I'm dissing his parents...which I'm not trying to do. It's just so frustrating. I think I'm just going to snap and tell him that I need him to support me, his wife, and put my needs above his want to make his parents happy. Is that wrong?
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
We listened to Ferber on audio book and it was the best thing we ever did! @FishyMom
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
With DD, he was still in school and it was horrible. He was always gone.
DD will be in school 9-3, and H will be here so no need for anyone to stay.
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
I know good maternity leave is one of my major voting issues now. Candidates that are for it, I will vote for.
Married to my Soul Mate since 09/06/09
I may be quitting after number two though....IDK. I guess we will see when the time comes.
I only work 2 days a week, and may be happy for the escape.
So H's cousin got married and new wife (D) talked a bunch of mad shit about my (almost) SIL the first time I ever talked to her. I was shocked and pretty disgusted.
Fast forward to 6 months later and D is acting like her BFF and SIL is gushing on FB about how they are besties. She has no idea all the shit that was talked. I HATE two faced people, but telling SIL will only devaste her and cause a HUGE family drama.
So now that I am at work I will share my IL story. They came about 2 weeks after DD was born and stayed with us for a week and then my MIL stayed an extra 5 days or so. So I will have to set the scene... new mom... trying very hard to breastfeed but it was a VERY rocky beginning due to latch issues.. a VERY hungry baby.. a colicy baby.. and a MIL who thinks she runs the show...
We never really had a great relationship, she was miserable at our wedding because her son was getting married.. whatever... So while she was there she would take my crying baby and leave the room with her. I knew she was crying because she was hungry and wanted to nurse. But my MIL would try and (what I feel) hide the fact that DD was crying. So she would do this almost constantly, hold the baby ALL day and then when DD would cry run into another room. Finally, I snapped and was crying and yelled at her for not giving me my baby when she was OBVIOUSLY crying to eat. She claimed she was just trying to help and what not and I told her she was NOT helping my running into another room with my crying child.
She still tries to take DD into other rooms away from me when she is around. My DD is a momma's girl and it drives MIL crazy. I will say that my MIL is very good with her now and I appreciate their relationship, but I wish she wouldn't hold so much animosity towards the relationship I have with my own daughter.
ET 9/10 - transferred 1 perfect 5AA blast
7dp5dt BFP ~~ Beta on 9/19 - 77.4 Beta #2 on 9/21 - 357
Low heartbeat on 10/7 86, lower heartbeat on 10/11 76, no heartbeat 10/14/13. D&C 10/15/13
Tests revealed MTHFR c677t mutation, put on Folgard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FET #1 1/6/14 - 4BB blast - BFN
First BFP: 12/16/13
EDD: 08/23/14
Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
ET 9/10 - transferred 1 perfect 5AA blast
7dp5dt BFP ~~ Beta on 9/19 - 77.4 Beta #2 on 9/21 - 357
Low heartbeat on 10/7 86, lower heartbeat on 10/11 76, no heartbeat 10/14/13. D&C 10/15/13
Tests revealed MTHFR c677t mutation, put on Folgard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FET #1 1/6/14 - 4BB blast - BFN
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
We we also made the decision that we are no longer spending Christmas Day out of town visiting them. We used to alternate years, and took DD there on Christmas when she was two months old....but I want her to have the magic of Christmas at home for the few years that she believes in Santa. I don't think DH has told them that yet - they are going to flip. Oh well.
@bumpasaurusrex aww thanks!
I think this time she will be more in tune with playing with DD and letting me do my own thing with the baby. At least I hope so!
ET 9/10 - transferred 1 perfect 5AA blast
7dp5dt BFP ~~ Beta on 9/19 - 77.4 Beta #2 on 9/21 - 357
Low heartbeat on 10/7 86, lower heartbeat on 10/11 76, no heartbeat 10/14/13. D&C 10/15/13
Tests revealed MTHFR c677t mutation, put on Folgard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FET #1 1/6/14 - 4BB blast - BFN
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
How does everyone handle visitors in the hospital? I feel like I'm going to want some private time with just DH and baby but don't know how long I will be able to fend off the grandparents. They are very eager and involved if you couldn't already tell!
DH had a blow up with his sister a couple of year's ago about Christmas scheduling and it was the most freeing thing ever to be able to wake up leisurely and enjoy watching our kids open their gifts and get cleaned up and still have some time to play before we had to leave to go anywhere. We really came to realize that at this point in our lives it's about spending and enjoying time with our kids and not about meeting the expectations of others (even if they are also family).
We're happy to spend some time with them on or around the holidays, but it has to be in a way that doesn't compromise the quality of the time we're spending with our immediate family.
(Short version of the drama was that SIL had gotten divorced and moved in with her baby's daddy 45 minutes away and expected everyone to conform to his family's Christmas schedule which directly and completely conflicted with my family's Christmas schedule. Her ex-DH's family had always been on the same schedule as my family so we had all operated under the same schedule for at least the 15 years I was involved and DH says it had been the same for at least the 5 years before that as well. That first year I was willing to try some sort of compromise where we would miss most of both family's but would at least get to be there for some of each, but DH said it wasn't worth putting the kids [and us] through that kind of mess where they barely start getting settled into where we are then we strap them in the car for 45 minutes. He preferred to just skip his family's and go to mine. He generally prefers time spent with my family anyway and since my grandmother hosts all their kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids there was no way it was going to be moved to another time. I'm so glad I didn't push harder to try to do everything!)
Last year everyone came to our house in the morning and I hated it.
My Inlaws are out of town, so we told them to just wait til we were home and would figure it out.
We allowed no other visitors in the hospital.
If you are worried about too many visitors....I vote lie and say they only allow x number of visitors MAX because of cold and flu season.
I'm a FTM. My FIL just got diagnosed with prostate cancer in March. At that time, he was living here in Chicago. But his wife has been living with their daughter in Atlanta. My husband was oversees. So when FIL got the diagnosis, I was his primary caretaker. I also work full time. I took him to all his diagnostic testing, doctors appointments, prescription pick ups. Well, one day out of nowhere, I get a call from my MIL stating that FIL is going to move to Atlanta and get his treatments there.
Ummmmmm okkkk.
They didn't even bother to ask me or my husband any advice. Didn't bother talking to the doctors. Didn't look into if his insurance would transfer and how long he would have to wait before being able to see a doctor there.
Long story short, I was mad but also relieved that I didn't have to worry about him anymore. BUT, I knew that in just a few weeks, they are going to want to move back to Chicago and move in with me because they'll realize what a stupid mistake they made.
That's exactly what happened a couple weeks ago. My husband is now back home. I got pregnant right away. And MIL calls my husband crying saying that FIL's insurance still hasn't come through and they can't afford his prescriptions bla, bla, bla. She wants to move in with us!!!
I was super angry. My husband of course was worried and sad and wanting to help. But I told him, I'm pregnant now. And I can barely take care of myself let alone a cancer patient. It's not just that he has cancer. But the fact that neither of my in laws follow doctors advice. They do whatever the hell they want and then cry about why they're not getting better. I can't deal with that. Urghhhh!! I had so many night terrors that week just from the stress.
For now though, my husband told them that it's not possible for them to move in with us (we only have a 1 bedroom, btw!!!)
But I know that in a few weeks they're going to try again to persuade my husband. It's just a cycle that's going to continue. I know it.
Especially when the baby finally comes. No way. Thankfully, I have my mom here near me and that's all the help I want or need.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Sighhhh
I was so embarrassed for my aunts and sisters. So that's why after I deliver, I am not allowing any men to come into the room. I don't need them seeing me in a hospital gown or hear about how my vaginal tear is doing. Yeesh!!
RE: hospital visitors
DH and I haven't really talked about it yet, so I don't know where he stands, but I don't want any visitors for the for 24hrs (I am willing to negotiate that time down, but bare minimum I want the first 8 hrs to myself and DH). After that, they can pop in here and there. I know my grandma and his parents will want to see baby IMMEDIATELY, but I'm just not having that. I need some personal time with me, my baby, and my husband. They've all had their own kids, this is my time.
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
But we've made it known ever since having DS that we spend that holiday at home. We both had such good memories of waking up on Christmas morning, opening gifts, having a yummy breakfast (which mostly consisted of cookies), and spending the day together in our jammies that we really wanted that for our own kids.
Plus, I can't be the only one who gets a kick out of watching my husband trying to put toys together and cursing under his breath.
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
Visitors in hospital: I prefer to do most of my laboring at home, so by the time I get there, I want to see nobody at all besides H. Family stays out in waiting room. Once the baby is born and I get cleaned up, we allow our parents in the room for a few minutes. After our parents I let mine and H's siblings in the room to visit, but we don't let anyone linger too long. And we are not close enough to our aunts and uncles so other than our immediate family, nobody else is allowed in at any point. Once baby and I get home and settled a couple days, we let family make arrangements to come to the house for visits, but not a million people at once, we space them out over a couple weeks.
In laws: I got major flash backs reading the in law stuff and started feeling flustered and stressed. Good grief!! Ugh... it's all coming painfully coming back, I'm already sitting hear telling myself "Just breathe"
Edit: removed mil rant
Another thing, I was reading a book a while ago (I really wish I could remember which one so that I could cite here), and it had this great part about what is the dad's role in the newborn phase? The answer was that he is supposed to protect the nest. We do the hard job of growing and getting these babies out, he gets to be the guard to make sure we get rested and recovered without too much outside interference. It may not work for everyone, but we have serious issues with boundary stompers on both sides... so I think it will work for us.
They all stay in the same place ( this year it was a mansion in the mountains) and do all this family stuff.
It's one of my worst nightmares, being in a house with that many people. We went up for 2 afternoons and I hated it.
I don't plan on attending one, ever.
I do struggle with a little guilt because I know that it's so exciting for family and friends and I'd never want to make anyone feel like I'm squashing their excitement/happiness. At the same time, it's a little hurtful that family places these expectations upon new parents of having to be 'on' and take the back seat to their own feelings. The new parents should get the time they want (and deserve) with their own child before the masses start filing in. It's hurtful for me, as a woman, to feel....like I don't matter anymore once a child is outside of my body. Like, "hey, thanks for that period of incubation, mind if I hold your minutes-old baby? Kthanks!"
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16
@fourPsinapod my MIL referred to me as "Gordita" (which means little fatty) when we told her the news. I told my DH he needed to tell her she can't call me that. First of all, I felt like that was super rude, but also, I've dealt with weight issues for years and felt like I was actually in a good place at that time...so that just made me feel like absolute shit.
Thankfully he must've said something because she hasn't called me that since.
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
@AfKash my FIL was also diagnosed with prostate cancer while I was pregnant and I know while doing radiation he wasn't allowed to be near me or hold babies. Just a FYI