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Weight Gain Shaming

I know there is a lot of emphasis put on women about how much is the right amount of weight to gain during pregnancy. But, has any experienced "shaming" for either gaining too much or too little weight?

Husband and I recently went to dinner at his parent's house.  I didn't eat much because I get full really fast, but I eat like 20 times a day.  As we were cleaning up, I heard my MIL say to my husband, "Are you sure she's eating?  And not trying to diet right now?"  I'm 5"10, 145lbs (pre pregnancy).  We joke that I'm the "short fat one" in my family, because both my sisters and mom are tall and thin.  My husband's family has weight issues.  My FIL (and his sister) had weight loss surgery, my MIL was recently told she's diabetic and could probably reverse that with some weight loss and diet changes.  SIL gained a significant amount of weight during all 3 of her pregnancies.  She has lost most of it since the last one, but still I would say she gained at least 40lbs each time.

I have always eaten healthy and exercised.  I do indulge in occasional treats, like candy or cookies, but I make sure I don't over indulge.  I have made sure not to use pregnancy as an excuse to eat anything and everything I want.  I am 28W and have gained 12 lbs.

I did ask my doctor if I should be concerned about lack of weight gain, she said, "You have an active baby in your U/Ss, your uterus is measuring correctly, your blood work is perfect, you're eating.  This is just the way your body does pregnancy".

I know this shouldn't bother me, but I don't want to gain 50lbs, I want to be healthy for me AND our baby.  So frustrated.

I should also note, I do get along really well with my in-laws, they love me and I love them.  They really are great in-laws.

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bkjade
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Re: Weight Gain Shaming

  • I wouldn't worry about what other people think even though it's probably hard! Everyone's body is different and every pregnancy is different .. with my son I was 108 when I got pregnant and delivered him weighing 149lbs! I am only 5'2 and this pregnancy I started at about 118 and I have only gained about 9lbs and I'm 28 weeks and my baby is extremely healthy and I eat 3 meals a day with snacks in between :) so as long as your dr is ok then I wouldn't worry at all! 
  • I also have stayed on the smaller side. I have gotten many comments from other women, usually asking if I'm sure about my conception and approximate due date (yes), but a few have even asked if my baby is healthy (yes).  In general, the amount of judgement I've seen and heard being passed on pregnant women has been surprise to me! The same expectation will not hold true for every pregnancy! 
  • It also sounds like your MIL was doing the totally *un*shamey thing and asking your husband (discreetly, not intentionally in front of you) if you were eating based not on your weight but on the fact that you didn't eat much at a family dinner.

    No matter how much weight you gain, it can be healthy for both mom and baby, so what anyone who isn't your doctor says to you (or anyone else about your body size) is only their ignorance talking, and should not darken your day.
    DutchLucyLu
  • I was on the larger size when I got pregnant even after having just lost 25Ibs. I'll be 30W tomorrow and I've gained about 15Ibs so far and my doctor is happy with that. My family and some friends have commented though that I'm not eating enough or gaining enough. I let it go in one ear and out the other. I know what I eat, when I eat, and that my doctor is happy with my gain and baby is extremely healthy.

    Take their comments with a grain of salt and let it roll of your back...you'll be getting an ear full of parenting tips and dos and don't too that you gotta learn to do the same thing with. You know what's right for you and for baby.



    BabyFruit Ticker
    JennyS86Knottie64278661
  • That's about where I would tell someone to shove it. 

    Whether you gain 10 pounds of 75 pounds, everyone gains weight differently when they are pregnant. One is not better than the other. 
    RSainiproudparent2bkhochanadeldoozer1345
  • I think you read waaaay too much into your MILs comment if you got (lack of) weight gain shaming out of that.  Unless you're broadcasting it, how would she know how much you've gained, anyway?
    sarawifenowdoozer1345
  • At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!
    I agree. My husband used to say the same thing, that he doesn't think I am eating enough. But according to my dr/midwife i am doing just fine so now i just tune all that out...baby is growing great and that's all that matters to me.
  • As someone who has lived way too many years being self conscious (I am also the short round one in my group of sisters - but my short is 5'4" and they're tall is 5'8") I went into pregnancy terrified about this ... but not much has changed. I actually have lost a total of 5 lbs (I joked with my Mom that the pregnancy diet is the next fad) and actually don't snack as much as I thought I would - but still, I remain cautious of how people will look at my body and perceive my general fatness. Like with the GD test when I was talking about it and people kept saying things like "Well I wouldn't be surprised if you get it, since you were already overweight before you got pregnant." (Which is not the cause of GD, but no one seemed to believe me, which caused me more anxiety because, I mean, am I trying too hard to convince people!? Sigh. So Stressful), I feel a little stressed every time I think of gaining weight. 

    I blame the complex I developed through years of being the short round one. 

    The only advice I have, which sometimes works for me, is to keep reminding yourself you're ok, your baby is okay and fat-shaming is a silly patriarchal tool to keep women in their place, so you shouldn't bow down to it anyway :wink: 

    BabyFruit Ticker
    KaKipamovin21dshannah
  • mrstmoose said:
    At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!
    Now I just sweat. A lot. All the time. 

    Yup. Its Hot AF where I am at. I sweat putting on my undies in the morning with a fan on me.
    mrstmoosemumbolino
  • wsgjmw1 said:
    mrstmoose said:
    At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!
    Now I just sweat. A lot. All the time. 

    Yup. Its Hot AF where I am at. I sweat putting on my undies in the morning with a fan on me.

    It's winter here and I still sweat. I slept like crap last night because I kept waking up hot/sweaty and I slept in only a sports bra and underwear!

    Me: 28

    DH: 27, SA - Great

    Married: June 12,2011

    TTC #1: 1/2014

    Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea

    Treatment: Clomid:  50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored

                      Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI  IUI #1 8/31/2015

    9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!

    Heartbeat 10/2/2015: 118bpm

  • I've been weight shamed for about 4 months now.  This is my second pregnancy and with both of them I consistently drop weight.  I'm 26w2d and have lost 30 lbs so far with my 1st I lost 45 lbs.  I eat constantly and drink so much milk I should buy a cow but my OB said the same thing baby is happy, healthy, and is measuring perfectly.  My blood work is perfect they even test for thyroid disorders and nothing.  They just say it's how my body reacts to pregnancy.  I stopped stressing it and am just thankful for a healthy baby.
  • I'm 28 wks and have already passed the "30lb average" that some people like to throw at you when you're pregnant... pre pregnancy I was 127lbs and slim. This weight gain has taken a toll on me physically and mentally/emotionally but I keep telling myself as long as baby girl is healthy then I will just work my ass off after she's born. & I mean that in the most literal way!
    wsgjmw1LemmyRN
  • I think there is way too much emphasis put on weight gain. When you are supposed to gain it, when you aren't supposed to gain it, how much you're supposed to gain or not gain.

    It's absolutely ridiculous to me that people I barely know anything about seem to be comfortable commenting on my weight gain (coworkers, friends of friends). I started on the lower end of a healthy BMI, I am very active, I have always been small, and I've gained 6 pounds at 28 weeks.  My doctor insists I need to gain more, my nutritionist insists that I am exceptionally healthy and that she wishes more of her patients ate as well as I do, my MIL tells me I need to get "fat", and a coworker told me the other day that my ass was getting huge (supposed to be a compliment, but really F%*K YOU LADY!). Don't EVEN get me started on the complete strangers that are like "You're too small" or "Wow you sure are pregnant!". YES. I noticed I'm pregnant, thank you very much. I really appreciate you judging my body it's super fucking helpful! Would you like an assessment of what I think of *your* weight, because I'd be happy to share my opinion!

    I could really give two shits what any of them say as long as the little gal is measuring and growing like she's supposed to and we are both healthy. I feel absolutely beautiful right now, and try to focus on how extremely thankful and excited I am for this short period of time we all are going through. But yeah, I agree that other people can be super annoying. 


    kp90LemmyRNKnottie64278661
  • I would just tune out others comments about size or weight, or vent to your SO. I gained 32 lbs last pregnancy and baby was on the smaller size, but very healthy. One of my in-laws will repeatedly ask me if I've gained the right amount of weight, I should eat more cookies, and that she likes chubby newborns. Sometimes people have this correlation with eating a lot-weight gain as making a healthy baby, which of course isn't necessarily true! I don't think they do it to be malicious though. 

  • I have been asked for months now (since thanksgiving) if I am sure its only one baby. By my mother, my MIL, randoms on the street. If it bothers you, say something. I told someone that its offensive to comment on my weight gain. Stand up for yourself, and get the word out there that its NOT ok to comment on your body. Maybe they will remember it for the next time they want to say something to you or someone else. 

    cat fail animated GIF

    JennyS86LovingLife!
  • swflJD said:
    It really irks me that people seem to think that once a woman is pregnant, it's perfectly okay to start commenting about her weight or appearance. At my shower last weekend, people kept commenting on how small I was or how much bigger they thought I'd be. My shower was held somewhat earlier than most (I'm only 6 months) because I had to travel out of state for it. Based on what I've read and the HDBD pics I've seen on here, I'm really pretty "average" sized for 6 months, but I think everyone was expecting a larger bump since most mothers-to-be are further along at their showers. My SIL (who has no children) kept comparing my pregnancy to that of her best friend who just had a baby a few months ago.  It was really irritating because her friend has a completely different body type and had complications caused by medical conditions that I don't have. Her friend had also gained a lot more weight at this point (which her body apparently needed to do), and my SIL kept commenting that I should eat more. I finally told her that if my doctor wasn't concerned about it, then she shouldn't be either. That shut her up, but I was ready to throat punch her by the end of the weekend. I was so glad we were just there for a few days.  
    Yeah, the whole "oh you're pregnant, let's cross-examine your body now" has me weirded out. I don't mind gaining weight and getting bigger, but since when is it okay for everyone to talk about it to my face all the time? At least have the courtesy to just gossip about me behind my back!

    I mostly got comments early on - SO many people told me that they bet I would hardly show and barely gain any weight. I have no idea why. I'm a pretty thin person normally, and the babies in our family have been historically pretty big, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to look super pregnant and have a lot of weight to gain! A month ago a coworker said he bet I'd be one of those ladies that only gained five pounds during pregnancy, and I was like, "I've already gained 15... do you not see this giant thing attached to my front?" I think people just don't think very hard about this stuff before they speak.

    swflJD
  • The hurtful comment I've been getting is that people are surprised that I'm pregnant. I'm taller with broad shoulders, so I guess I carry the extra weight pretty well (14+ inches at my waist), but it doesn't feel good to have day care providers I interview suspiciously ask whether I'm really pregnant- and if so, how can I really be this far along (29 1/2 weeks now)
  • @sarawife: While I agree with what you're saying,  I just want to point out that your second to last paragraph is kind of shaming people who do gain 50lbs implying that they aren't healthy. I am up 30 pounds at 30 weeks and will probably finish at 40 pounds up. I am perfectly healthy and so is my baby. 


    I totally agree- I'm almost 31 weeks and I'm up 45 pounds. I started out at 120 and I'm up to 165. I eat healthy and I am staying active, both me and my little guy are doing fine :smile: 


    Aquinna82proudparent2b
  • Confession: I freaking love when people tell me I'm small or "are you sure there's a baby in there?!"
    LFAF Dec 2016 Awards: Queen of All the Food; LFAF PopTart Packer; Most Vulnerable & True to Self
    Married: Oct 20, 2013
    BFP Aug 31, 2015
    EDD: May 12, 2016
    DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016


    An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
  • Nobody asks me how much I've gained but I don't give out that information pregnant or not. Everybody is different and there's absolutely no reason anyone but me and my doctor need to know that. Tell them to mind their own business. 

    Aquinna82doozer1345
  • So - what should we tell women to lift them up?  I'm not talking about the pregnant lady behind you in line at the grocery - but what about your sister or best friend or neighbor.  I usually stick with "you look great!" because I am so tired of hearing "How are you doing?".  There's got to be better things to say out there :)
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Mama to Three Girls: 
    Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
    and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!






    Aquinna82
  • JennyS86 said:
    So - what should we tell women to lift them up?  I'm not talking about the pregnant lady behind you in line at the grocery - but what about your sister or best friend or neighbor.  I usually stick with "you look great!" because I am so tired of hearing "How are you doing?".  There's got to be better things to say out there :)
    Definitely tired of hearing "how are you feeling?" every 5 minutes, because I can't be honest and say "constipated, hungry, and heavy." Then again, I'm also sick of people telling me how great/cute I look because it just feels disingenuous to me (sorry if that sounds like a humble brag... hopefully I'm not the only one out there).

    Personally, I just want people to leave me alone. I'd love to stand up in a restaurant and NOT have everyone stare at me. Makes me wonder if I consciously did that to pregnant women before I got ktfu.
    proudparent2bKAMiller927
  • JennyS86 said:
    So - what should we tell women to lift them up?  I'm not talking about the pregnant lady behind you in line at the grocery - but what about your sister or best friend or neighbor.  I usually stick with "you look great!" because I am so tired of hearing "How are you doing?".  There's got to be better things to say out there :)
    Definitely tired of hearing "how are you feeling?" every 5 minutes, because I can't be honest and say "constipated, hungry, and heavy." Then again, I'm also sick of people telling me how great/cute I look because it just feels disingenuous to me (sorry if that sounds like a humble brag... hopefully I'm not the only one out there).

    Personally, I just want people to leave me alone. I'd love to stand up in a restaurant and NOT have everyone stare at me. Makes me wonder if I consciously did that to pregnant women before I got ktfu.

    Right!  My answer to "how are you feeling?"  is Anxious. Nobody wants to hear that.

    Also - I've gotten the "you look so much better than last pregnancy"  haha  it is true though
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Mama to Three Girls: 
    Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
    and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!






  • I get a lot of "you look so cute" / "what a cute bump!"-type comments too. I don't think it's at all a humblebrag to say that -- I think that's just the nicest and least offensive generic comment that people can give to a pregnant lady (other than "congratulations," which only works the first time), so it's the one that people whip out most often.

    You'd have to stretch pretty hard to take offense to that one, IMO. It's just a nice little nothing.
  • wsgjmw1 said:
    mrstmoose said:
    At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!
    Now I just sweat. A lot. All the time. 

    Yup. Its Hot AF where I am at. I sweat putting on my undies in the morning with a fan on me.

    It's winter here and I still sweat. I slept like crap last night because I kept waking up hot/sweaty and I slept in only a sports bra and underwear!

    It's winter here in WI and LO is not a space heater like everyone told me he would be....I regularly sleep in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, socks and turn the fireplace on right away in the morning and eat breakfast by it...
  • okcountrygirlokcountrygirl member
    100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited February 2016
    I try not to let it bother me but sometimes I lie when someone asks how much I've gained. Pre preg I'm 5 foot 3 and fluctuate 105 to 108lbs. Last doc appointment I weighed 116lbs (at 26 weeks) and my doc was happy with that. If I tell people I've gained 10lbs I usually get something like, girl let me go get you something to eat, you're still way too skinny, it's not good for you. Even if I tell them my doc is happy. So this week if anyone has asked I say 15lbs and then I get well that's not too bad, you're still too skinny though. I can't help it if that's just how I am! I just keep reminding myself that my doc is happy so I should be too. I eat 3 meals with snacks everyday so I'm getting plenty...
    seasalt123
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