Weight Gain Shaming

mrslampert

I know there is a lot of emphasis put on women about how much is the right amount of weight to gain during pregnancy. But, has any experienced "shaming" for either gaining too much or too little weight?

Husband and I recently went to dinner at his parent's house.  I didn't eat much because I get full really fast, but I eat like 20 times a day.  As we were cleaning up, I heard my MIL say to my husband, "Are you sure she's eating?  And not trying to diet right now?"  I'm 5"10, 145lbs (pre pregnancy).  We joke that I'm the "short fat one" in my family, because both my sisters and mom are tall and thin.  My husband's family has weight issues.  My FIL (and his sister) had weight loss surgery, my MIL was recently told she's diabetic and could probably reverse that with some weight loss and diet changes.  SIL gained a significant amount of weight during all 3 of her pregnancies.  She has lost most of it since the last one, but still I would say she gained at least 40lbs each time.

I have always eaten healthy and exercised.  I do indulge in occasional treats, like candy or cookies, but I make sure I don't over indulge.  I have made sure not to use pregnancy as an excuse to eat anything and everything I want.  I am 28W and have gained 12 lbs.

I did ask my doctor if I should be concerned about lack of weight gain, she said, "You have an active baby in your U/Ss, your uterus is measuring correctly, your blood work is perfect, you're eating.  This is just the way your body does pregnancy".

I know this shouldn't bother me, but I don't want to gain 50lbs, I want to be healthy for me AND our baby.  So frustrated.

I should also note, I do get along really well with my in-laws, they love me and I love them.  They really are great in-laws.

sarawifenow

mrslampert said:

I know there is a lot of emphasis put on women about how much is the right amount of weight to gain during pregnancy. But, has any experienced "shaming" for either gaining too much or too little weight?

Husband and I recently went to dinner at his parent's house.  I didn't eat much because I get full really fast, but I eat like 20 times a day.  As we were cleaning up, I heard my MIL say to my husband, "Are you sure she's eating?  And not trying to diet right now?"  I'm 5"10, 145lbs (pre pregnancy).  We joke that I'm the "short fat one" in my family, because both my sisters and mom are tall and thin.  My husband's family has weight issues.  My FIL (and his sister) had weight loss surgery, my MIL was recently told she's diabetic and could probably reverse that with some weight loss and diet changes.  SIL gained a significant amount of weight during all 3 of her pregnancies.  She has lost most of it since the last one, but still I would say she gained at least 40lbs each time.

I have always eaten healthy and exercised.  I do indulge in occasional treats, like candy or cookies, but I make sure I don't over indulge.  I have made sure not to use pregnancy as an excuse to eat anything and everything I want.  I am 28W and have gained 12 lbs.

I did ask my doctor if I should be concerned about lack of weight gain, she said, "You have an active baby in your U/Ss, your uterus is measuring correctly, your blood work is perfect, you're eating.  This is just the way your body does pregnancy".

I know this shouldn't bother me, but I don't want to gain 50lbs, I want to be healthy for me AND our baby.  So frustrated.

I should also note, I do get along really well with my in-laws, they love me and I love them.  They really are great in-laws.

While I agree with what you're saying,  I just want to point out that your second to last paragraph is kind of shaming people who do gain 50lbs implying that they aren't healthy. I am up 30 pounds at 30 weeks and will probably finish at 40 pounds up. I am perfectly healthy and so is my baby.

sparkledonuts

I wouldn't worry about what other people think even though it's probably hard! Everyone's body is different and every pregnancy is different .. with my son I was 108 when I got pregnant and delivered him weighing 149lbs! I am only 5'2 and this pregnancy I started at about 118 and I have only gained about 9lbs and I'm 28 weeks and my baby is extremely healthy and I eat 3 meals a day with snacks in between so as long as your dr is ok then I wouldn't worry at all! 

KyleeWaller

I also have stayed on the smaller side. I have gotten many comments from other women, usually asking if I'm sure about my conception and approximate due date (yes), but a few have even asked if my baby is healthy (yes).  In general, the amount of judgement I've seen and heard being passed on pregnant women has been surprise to me! The same expectation will not hold true for every pregnancy! 

vinerie

5'10" and 145 pounds is also pretty tall and thin. Yet you are  the "short fat one?" Couldn't you argue that your family is kind of weight-shaming, too?

dshannah

It also sounds like your MIL was doing the totally *un*shamey thing and asking your husband (discreetly, not intentionally in front of you) if you were eating based not on your weight but on the fact that you didn't eat much at a family dinner.

No matter how much weight you gain, it can be healthy for both mom and baby, so what anyone who isn't your doctor says to you (or anyone else about your body size) is only their ignorance talking, and should not darken your day.

amovin21

I was on the larger size when I got pregnant even after having just lost 25Ibs. I'll be 30W tomorrow and I've gained about 15Ibs so far and my doctor is happy with that. My family and some friends have commented though that I'm not eating enough or gaining enough. I let it go in one ear and out the other. I know what I eat, when I eat, and that my doctor is happy with my gain and baby is extremely healthy.

Take their comments with a grain of salt and let it roll of your back...you'll be getting an ear full of parenting tips and dos and don't too that you gotta learn to do the same thing with. You know what's right for you and for baby.

mrstmoose

That's about where I would tell someone to shove it. 

Whether you gain 10 pounds of 75 pounds, everyone gains weight differently when they are pregnant. One is not better than the other. 

gamommyx3

I'm also 5'10 and I will end up gaining around 50lbs.  I eat well and exercise frequently, my blood work/blood pressure is always perfect and my baby is doing great.  This is how my body does pregnancy.

Bluejay3030

I think you read waaaay too much into your MILs comment if you got (lack of) weight gain shaming out of that.  Unless you're broadcasting it, how would she know how much you've gained, anyway?

LadySamLady

At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!

TheThornBird

Nice humblebrag

It's just part of being pregnant and having kids. Everyone questions everything you do. Some people think I've gotten too big, some people think I'm not big enough. Some people think I'm risking my baby by not sitting in bed all day stuffing my face with cookies, and some think I am by not eating a 100% organic, vegan, gluten-free diet while doing 2-a-day Crossfit workouts (okay, I may be exaggerating)

Personally, I try to understand that people have different opinions on things and most have good intentions and are coming from a place of caring. I let them voice their opinion on something once, take it into consideration, and after that the matter is closed and I don't want to hear anymore. 

wsgjmw1

LadySamLady said:

At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!

FOR REAL. I am trying to enjoy the last couple months of my pregnancy. Worrying about my weight at this point in the show will get in the way of that.

RSaini

LadySamLady said:

At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!

I agree. My husband used to say the same thing, that he doesn't think I am eating enough. But according to my dr/midwife i am doing just fine so now i just tune all that out...baby is growing great and that's all that matters to me.

mrstmoose

LadySamLady said:

At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!

Now I just sweat. A lot. All the time. 

AmmyBelle

As someone who has lived way too many years being self conscious (I am also the short round one in my group of sisters - but my short is 5'4" and they're tall is 5'8") I went into pregnancy terrified about this ... but not much has changed. I actually have lost a total of 5 lbs (I joked with my Mom that the pregnancy diet is the next fad) and actually don't snack as much as I thought I would - but still, I remain cautious of how people will look at my body and perceive my general fatness. Like with the GD test when I was talking about it and people kept saying things like "Well I wouldn't be surprised if you get it, since you were already overweight before you got pregnant." (Which is not the cause of GD, but no one seemed to believe me, which caused me more anxiety because, I mean, am I trying too hard to convince people!? Sigh. So Stressful), I feel a little stressed every time I think of gaining weight. 

I blame the complex I developed through years of being the short round one. 

The only advice I have, which sometimes works for me, is to keep reminding yourself you're ok, your baby is okay and fat-shaming is a silly patriarchal tool to keep women in their place, so you shouldn't bow down to it anyway  

wsgjmw1

mrstmoose said:

LadySamLady said:

At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!

Now I just sweat. A lot. All the time. 

Yup. Its Hot AF where I am at. I sweat putting on my undies in the morning with a fan on me.

AdorkablePixie

wsgjmw1 said:

mrstmoose said:

LadySamLady said:

At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!

Now I just sweat. A lot. All the time. 

Yup. Its Hot AF where I am at. I sweat putting on my undies in the morning with a fan on me.

It's winter here and I still sweat. I slept like crap last night because I kept waking up hot/sweaty and I slept in only a sports bra and underwear!

Urstrulyhb

I've been weight shamed for about 4 months now.  This is my second pregnancy and with both of them I consistently drop weight.  I'm 26w2d and have lost 30 lbs so far with my 1st I lost 45 lbs.  I eat constantly and drink so much milk I should buy a cow but my OB said the same thing baby is happy, healthy, and is measuring perfectly.  My blood work is perfect they even test for thyroid disorders and nothing.  They just say it's how my body reacts to pregnancy.  I stopped stressing it and am just thankful for a healthy baby.

swflJD

It really irks me that people seem to think that once a woman is pregnant, it's perfectly okay to start commenting about her weight or appearance. At my shower last weekend, people kept commenting on how small I was or how much bigger they thought I'd be. My shower was held somewhat earlier than most (I'm only 6 months) because I had to travel out of state for it. Based on what I've read and the HDBD pics I've seen on here, I'm really pretty "average" sized for 6 months, but I think everyone was expecting a larger bump since most mothers-to-be are further along at their showers. My SIL (who has no children) kept comparing my pregnancy to that of her best friend who just had a baby a few months ago.  It was really irritating because her friend has a completely different body type and had complications caused by medical conditions that I don't have. Her friend had also gained a lot more weight at this point (which her body apparently needed to do), and my SIL kept commenting that I should eat more. I finally told her that if my doctor wasn't concerned about it, then she shouldn't be either. That shut her up, but I was ready to throat punch her by the end of the weekend. I was so glad we were just there for a few days.  

kp90

I'm 28 wks and have already passed the "30lb average" that some people like to throw at you when you're pregnant... pre pregnancy I was 127lbs and slim. This weight gain has taken a toll on me physically and mentally/emotionally but I keep telling myself as long as baby girl is healthy then I will just work my ass off after she's born. & I mean that in the most literal way!

bkjade

I think there is way too much emphasis put on weight gain. When you are supposed to gain it, when you aren't supposed to gain it, how much you're supposed to gain or not gain.

It's absolutely ridiculous to me that people I barely know anything about seem to be comfortable commenting on my weight gain (coworkers, friends of friends). I started on the lower end of a healthy BMI, I am very active, I have always been small, and I've gained 6 pounds at 28 weeks.  My doctor insists I need to gain more, my nutritionist insists that I am exceptionally healthy and that she wishes more of her patients ate as well as I do, my MIL tells me I need to get "fat", and a coworker told me the other day that my ass was getting huge (supposed to be a compliment, but really F%*K YOU LADY!). Don't EVEN get me started on the complete strangers that are like "You're too small" or "Wow you sure are pregnant!". YES. I noticed I'm pregnant, thank you very much. I really appreciate you judging my body it's super fucking helpful! Would you like an assessment of what I think of *your* weight, because I'd be happy to share my opinion!

I could really give two shits what any of them say as long as the little gal is measuring and growing like she's supposed to and we are both healthy. I feel absolutely beautiful right now, and try to focus on how extremely thankful and excited I am for this short period of time we all are going through. But yeah, I agree that other people can be super annoying. 

girlmom2018

I would just tune out others comments about size or weight, or vent to your SO. I gained 32 lbs last pregnancy and baby was on the smaller size, but very healthy. One of my in-laws will repeatedly ask me if I've gained the right amount of weight, I should eat more cookies, and that she likes chubby newborns. Sometimes people have this correlation with eating a lot-weight gain as making a healthy baby, which of course isn't necessarily true! I don't think they do it to be malicious though. 

wsgjmw1

bkjade said:

I think there is way too much emphasis put on weight gain. When you are supposed to gain it, when you aren't supposed to gain it, how much you're supposed to gain or not gain.

It's absolutely ridiculous to me that people I barely know anything about seem to be comfortable commenting on my weight gain (coworkers, friends of friends). I started on the lower end of a healthy BMI, I am very active, I have always been small, and I've gained 6 pounds at 28 weeks.  My doctor insists I need to gain more, my nutritionist insists that I am exceptionally healthy and that she wishes more of her patients ate as well as I do, my MIL tells me I need to get "fat", and a coworker told me the other day that my ass was getting huge (supposed to be a compliment, but really F%*K YOU LADY!). Don't EVEN get me started on the complete strangers that are like "You're too small" or "Wow you sure are pregnant!". YES. I noticed I'm pregnant, thank you very much. I really appreciate you judging my body it's super fucking helpful! Would you like an assessment of what I think of *your* weight, because I'd be happy to share my opinion!

I could really give two shits what any of them say as long as the little gal is measuring and growing like she's supposed to and we are both healthy. I feel absolutely beautiful right now, and try to focus on how extremely thankful and excited I am for this short period of time we all are going through. But yeah, I agree that other people can be super annoying. 

LMAO. OMG girl you hit the nail on the head. PREACH

Merciel

I have not gotten one single solitary weight-shaming comment. Not one!

I'm throwing that out there solely to serve as a counterexample: it is possible, on the planet Earth in 2016, to get through this without anybody saying one damn word about your weight that isn't your doctor discussing judgment-free medicals. It's kind of nice.

But in a way I wish somebody would say something so I could tear into them for it, preferably publicly, because I'd be perfectly happy to do it and nobody's going to realize it's inappropriate if someone doesn't whack the offenders violently upside the head with a clue stick.

yogahh

I have been asked for months now (since thanksgiving) if I am sure its only one baby. By my mother, my MIL, randoms on the street. If it bothers you, say something. I told someone that its offensive to comment on my weight gain. Stand up for yourself, and get the word out there that its NOT ok to comment on your body. Maybe they will remember it for the next time they want to say something to you or someone else. 

Pascal86

swflJD said:

It really irks me that people seem to think that once a woman is pregnant, it's perfectly okay to start commenting about her weight or appearance. At my shower last weekend, people kept commenting on how small I was or how much bigger they thought I'd be. My shower was held somewhat earlier than most (I'm only 6 months) because I had to travel out of state for it. Based on what I've read and the HDBD pics I've seen on here, I'm really pretty "average" sized for 6 months, but I think everyone was expecting a larger bump since most mothers-to-be are further along at their showers. My SIL (who has no children) kept comparing my pregnancy to that of her best friend who just had a baby a few months ago.  It was really irritating because her friend has a completely different body type and had complications caused by medical conditions that I don't have. Her friend had also gained a lot more weight at this point (which her body apparently needed to do), and my SIL kept commenting that I should eat more. I finally told her that if my doctor wasn't concerned about it, then she shouldn't be either. That shut her up, but I was ready to throat punch her by the end of the weekend. I was so glad we were just there for a few days.  

Yeah, the whole "oh you're pregnant, let's cross-examine your body now" has me weirded out. I don't mind gaining weight and getting bigger, but since when is it okay for everyone to talk about it to my face all the time? At least have the courtesy to just gossip about me behind my back!

I mostly got comments early on - SO many people told me that they bet I would hardly show and barely gain any weight. I have no idea why. I'm a pretty thin person normally, and the babies in our family have been historically pretty big, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to look super pregnant and have a lot of weight to gain! A month ago a coworker said he bet I'd be one of those ladies that only gained five pounds during pregnancy, and I was like, "I've already gained 15... do you not see this giant thing attached to my front?" I think people just don't think very hard about this stuff before they speak.

TXmamatobe

The bottom line is that people are idiots, dumbasses, douchebags and asshats. Not just to someone who is pregnant but to anyone who they believe is bigger, smaller, or just basically doing something differently than the way they would do it. Most people who do this either lack confidence of their own, think people care about their needless opinions or like I said at the beginning, they're just an idiot. End of story. I dare someone to ever say something to me about my weight, pregnant or not. Asses will be whipped. It is so much more telling about what's wrong with them than what's "wrong" with you. 

Live yo life. 

proudparent2b

The hurtful comment I've been getting is that people are surprised that I'm pregnant. I'm taller with broad shoulders, so I guess I carry the extra weight pretty well (14+ inches at my waist), but it doesn't feel good to have day care providers I interview suspiciously ask whether I'm really pregnant- and if so, how can I really be this far along (29 1/2 weeks now)

Nicbert1214

@sarawife: While I agree with what you're saying,  I just want to point out that your second to last paragraph is kind of shaming people who do gain 50lbs implying that they aren't healthy. I am up 30 pounds at 30 weeks and will probably finish at 40 pounds up. I am perfectly healthy and so is my baby. 

I totally agree- I'm almost 31 weeks and I'm up 45 pounds. I started out at 120 and I'm up to 165. I eat healthy and I am staying active, both me and my little guy are doing fine  

saladflambe

I have to agree with the poster who said your second to last paragraph is kind of judgey...
I'm 99.9% sure nobody WANTS to gain 50 pounds during pregnancy. I also know that even if you watch what you eat, it might not work -- maybe it worked for you, but here's my story:

I lost 115 pounds before getting pregnant by tracking my food (for 5 years now), and I've continued to track my food and closely monitor caloric intake throughout this whole thing. I ate 1500-1600 calories 1st trimester, 1600-1800 calories 2nd trimester, and 1800-2000 now that I'm in 3rd. I've still gained 27 pounds at 29 weeks pregnant. When everyone else was all "I've lost weight!" first trimester, I gained 12 pounds in 1st tri... Apparently that's just how MY body does pregnancy...

Some people gain a lot 3rd trimester and not much before.
Some lose weight 1st trimester.
Some gain steadily throughout.
Some gain in spurts.
it goes on and on and on and on.

I've not been shamed, thank god, unless we want to count shaming myself.... because I'm really hard on myself. It kinda sounds like you might be hard on yourself too. You do you... if your doctor says you're OK, then you're OK. But also, just as a forewarning, you still may gain weight more rapidly in 3rd tri (or you might not!!) don't know -- it'll be up to your body! So just...do what you're comfy with.

saladflambe

Confession: I freaking love when people tell me I'm small or "are you sure there's a baby in there?!"

khochanadel

yogahh said:

I have been asked for months now (since thanksgiving) if I am sure its only one baby. By my mother, my MIL, randoms on the street. If it bothers you, say something. I told someone that its offensive to comment on my weight gain. Stand up for yourself, and get the word out there that its NOT ok to comment on your body. Maybe they will remember it for the next time they want to say something to you or someone else. 

You should see the looks on people's faces when I tell them "Yes, I actually am having twins, but you really shouldn't ask another pregnant woman that question."

When people ask me how much weight I've gained, I just say "two babies' worth". It's actually about 25 lbs at 25 weeks, but my OB told me I'm good and reminded me that I am growing 2 humans. 

JessicaB0627

Nobody asks me how much I've gained but I don't give out that information pregnant or not. Everybody is different and there's absolutely no reason anyone but me and my doctor need to know that. Tell them to mind their own business. 

JennyS86

So - what should we tell women to lift them up?  I'm not talking about the pregnant lady behind you in line at the grocery - but what about your sister or best friend or neighbor.  I usually stick with "you look great!" because I am so tired of hearing "How are you doing?".  There's got to be better things to say out there

khochanadel

JennyS86 said:

So - what should we tell women to lift them up?  I'm not talking about the pregnant lady behind you in line at the grocery - but what about your sister or best friend or neighbor.  I usually stick with "you look great!" because I am so tired of hearing "How are you doing?".  There's got to be better things to say out there

Definitely tired of hearing "how are you feeling?" every 5 minutes, because I can't be honest and say "constipated, hungry, and heavy." Then again, I'm also sick of people telling me how great/cute I look because it just feels disingenuous to me (sorry if that sounds like a humble brag... hopefully I'm not the only one out there).

Personally, I just want people to leave me alone. I'd love to stand up in a restaurant and NOT have everyone stare at me. Makes me wonder if I consciously did that to pregnant women before I got ktfu.

JennyS86

khochanadel said:

JennyS86 said:

So - what should we tell women to lift them up?  I'm not talking about the pregnant lady behind you in line at the grocery - but what about your sister or best friend or neighbor.  I usually stick with "you look great!" because I am so tired of hearing "How are you doing?".  There's got to be better things to say out there

Definitely tired of hearing "how are you feeling?" every 5 minutes, because I can't be honest and say "constipated, hungry, and heavy." Then again, I'm also sick of people telling me how great/cute I look because it just feels disingenuous to me (sorry if that sounds like a humble brag... hopefully I'm not the only one out there).

Personally, I just want people to leave me alone. I'd love to stand up in a restaurant and NOT have everyone stare at me. Makes me wonder if I consciously did that to pregnant women before I got ktfu.

Right!  My answer to "how are you feeling?"  is Anxious. Nobody wants to hear that.

Also - I've gotten the "you look so much better than last pregnancy"  haha  it is true though

Merciel

I get a lot of "you look so cute" / "what a cute bump!"-type comments too. I don't think it's at all a humblebrag to say that -- I think that's just the nicest and least offensive generic comment that people can give to a pregnant lady (other than "congratulations," which only works the first time), so it's the one that people whip out most often.

You'd have to stretch pretty hard to take offense to that one, IMO. It's just a nice little nothing.

rlworzalla

AdorkablePixie said:

wsgjmw1 said:

mrstmoose said:

LadySamLady said:

At this point in my pregnancy weight gain is "small stuff" and I can't be bothered to sweat it. All that matters is that you and your baby are healthy, don't sweat the small stuff!

Now I just sweat. A lot. All the time. 

Yup. Its Hot AF where I am at. I sweat putting on my undies in the morning with a fan on me.

It's winter here and I still sweat. I slept like crap last night because I kept waking up hot/sweaty and I slept in only a sports bra and underwear!

It's winter here in WI and LO is not a space heater like everyone told me he would be....I regularly sleep in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, socks and turn the fireplace on right away in the morning and eat breakfast by it...

okcountrygirl

I try not to let it bother me but sometimes I lie when someone asks how much I've gained. Pre preg I'm 5 foot 3 and fluctuate 105 to 108lbs. Last doc appointment I weighed 116lbs (at 26 weeks) and my doc was happy with that. If I tell people I've gained 10lbs I usually get something like, girl let me go get you something to eat, you're still way too skinny, it's not good for you. Even if I tell them my doc is happy. So this week if anyone has asked I say 15lbs and then I get well that's not too bad, you're still too skinny though. I can't help it if that's just how I am! I just keep reminding myself that my doc is happy so I should be too. I eat 3 meals with snacks everyday so I'm getting plenty...

doozer1345

Not pg I NEVER look at a scale or care what it says. For me, what matters is how I feel in the clothes I want to wear or how I want to look naked. Being pg, my doctor has never criticized me for my weight gain. If I've asked about it (normally I've only asked about it bc I've seen so many on here freaking out about it and thought maybe I should be?) he's said he doesn't worry but to keep in mind it just means more work for me whenever baby gets here. I'm just ecstatic that this time I'm mostly belly (and bat wings). I've gained more weight than I "should have" but I'm healthy, LO is healthy, and I like how I look in my clothes...or should I say how LO look in my clothes haha.

I think I just have a mental block to what others judge my body to look like? I'm who counts. No one else. It's important my daughters feels this way as well. You will be their example and set the tone for how they look at themselves.