Changed friends.

LF93

I used the search function but couldn't find a post that suited me to comment on. Has anyone found that their friends have changed since they found out you were pregnant? I had told one of my closest friends last summer that I was planning on having a baby soon and she went off saying so much horrible stuff! Basically along the lines that I would regret it and that my boyfriend was useless (definitely not true) We stopped talking for a while because I wasn't about to let her speak to me like that, we later sorted things out. Anyways, I told her and my two other friends at around 10 weeks (15 now) and since then they haven't really made an effort to speak to me or meet up, it's so frustrating having no one to talk to or be excited with! Anyone else have a situation similar to this? What did you do to improve your friendships? Note: I have tried to speak to them more often and have offered to do non drinking related things but they haven't been responsive so far! Any input would be appreciated!

PugsandKisses

Any big changed in your life will do this to people. They are in this stage of their life and you are moving to the next. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do.

ButterMyBiscuit

I don't know your whole story but yes, this happens. Once people can't relate to your situation, the relationship either changes or ends completely. It's sad but I've lost most of my old friends or at least lost touch with them. Once a few of them started to get married or had babies, they suddenly understood and tried to make a better effort. The good news is, you can now find new friends that can relate to you and it won't be like pulling teeth to get together with them.

LF93

I just hate the thought of throwing away so many years of friendship because someone can't put on their big girl pants! I guess on wards and upwards is the only way really! I was the one to always organise the outings and since I don't feel like it anymore they don't care! I think the only thing that'll really put my mind at ease is to get in contact with them and let them know how I'm feeling and if it's still the same after that then I'll definitely know!

jlgriff11

Well without making annoying broad generalizations, I think this often happens the younger you are when you get pregnant. I'm 34 and by this time most of my friends already have children and we're mostly all already married and have our own scene. But when you're perhaps younger I think those stages and differences in priorities are a little bit harder to reach across.

TiffRox81

I can say I've had similar experiences too. My husband's friends are almost all married, with kids, and we've always hung out with them! They're super excited that we'll now have our own child to tote along, too. It's unfortunate because they aren't my best friends. They're his. A lot of my girlfriends are still struggling to find someone to settle down with. Most have been super receptive to the new baby, but I can't say it won't change our relationship. I know I won't be the first person they call for girls nights out, etc. I'm hoping we can all still find some way to keep close, but who knows I guess!! I think @ButterMyBiscuit is right. We'll all just end up making some new sets of friends that are in our same life stage. 

stillcozy

First thanks for using the search function you are awesome!!

Sadly this can be normal I had a similar situation happen and one friend was really negative when she found I and others in our circle were pregnant. It was hurtful and mad it difficult to tell her but I gave her some space and then as I started to reach out to her things have gotten better.

try reaching out to them and if they continue with their negativity sadly you may have to call it a wash. Do you have other friends that have children or others you could reach out too as well? 

mandyjulie

@LF93, how old are you? Only asking because if you're on the "younger side" of having kids, at least in your circle, then this is a pretty likely scenario. Your friend group might not be thinking about kids for a long time. Doesn't mean they should stop being your friend, but yeah, it happens. 

Try meetup.com for local women/new mom events in your area, maybe get to know some neighbors with kids, and so on. 

But, have to ask -- with the comment about your boyfriend -- is it possible it's not about you having a kid, but about him? Did he do something that would make them worry about him being in your or your child's life? If it's completely and totally baseless, then just forget them. And even if they really don't like him for some good reason, it sucks they wouldn't still support you and your baby.

carcrashheart

Oddly enough this has happened to me at age 33 (and she was 39). She was good with my first pregnancy, ok with the second, and gone by the third. It appears the third was the last straw for her. We haven't been able to relate since before I got pregnant, when she started going through a separation and then divorce, but that never bothered me. However, she didn't feel the same. Friends come and go. Such is life. 

LF93

I'm actually the first of my friend group to have a child, so I knew it was going to be difficult to keep things the way they were but I didn't realise how much they'd actually change! My friend group is very small and I have been making new friends through work and they are way more supportive of the baby, I'll probably try what you did @Lindsayleigh1989 and give them space and wait for them to reach out to me! However long that might take!  

LF93

mandyjulie said:

@LF93, how old are you? Only asking because if you're on the "younger side" of having kids, at least in your circle, then this is a pretty likely scenario. Your friend group might not be thinking about kids for a long time. Doesn't mean they should stop being your friend, but yeah, it happens. 

Try meetup.com for local women/new mom events in your area, maybe get to know some neighbors with kids, and so on. 

But, have to ask -- with the comment about your boyfriend -- is it possible it's not about you having a kid, but about him? Did he do something that would make them worry about him being in your or your child's life? If it's completely and totally baseless, then just forget them. And even if they really don't like him for some good reason, it sucks they wouldn't still support you and your baby.

I am on the younger side, 22 going on 23, so I know myself and my friend group wouldn't be as mature or have as much experience as some of the ladies on this board. I've been the only one in a relationship this long (4 years), they're starting to get boyfriends/girlfriends at this stage so I know I'm way ahead of them relationship wise. I'll have to find the Irish version of meetup.com I think ha! Oh no, she has always gotten on fantastic with my boyfriend and never had anything bad to say about him so I was very surprised that she said what she did. I would understand if my boyfriend treated me bad or was abusive towards me but he honest to god couldn't be better! My work friends are very supportive so I guess I'll just lean on them a bit more, I guess I just thought that me being a young mother, I'm obviously going to be very anxious, I just thought (hoped) they'd be more supportive.

mandyjulie

@LF93 Oh sorry I didn't realize you were in Ireland! I'm sure they have something like that!

Good you have your work friends! Maybe your other friends will come around. Is your family supportive? Hopefully you have them to lean on, too.

I was the first in my friend group as well... but I was 30, haha. My friends were on their way toward marriage/kids by then at least.

But it is weird being the first, and you can get left out of stuff easily. When I was pregnant the first time, some friends of mine arranged a beach weekend and invited my other good friend (who they only know through me) and didn't mention it to me. I was feeling pretty hurt. I thought, well this is it. Then I saw the pictures. I was really glad I didn't go. Drinking a ton, talking to random guys... all I wanted was to eat/sleep anyway. We're still good friends so no actual issues.

Anyway you'll learn who your true friends are and hopefully meet some new ones!

stillcozy

Don't wait forever though! It helped when they saw I was still invested in the friendship and it just tossing them aside because I was pregnant  

[Deleted User]

I'm having the same problem-I'm almost 23 and the second in my group of friends to have a baby. Two of my other very good friends I've totally lost contact with since I announced my pregnancy since I can't "go out and drink or do anything fun anymore." I agree with PPs, a lot of it has to do with being in a different phase of your life than they are! I'm having the opposite problem with another girl I used to be very close to. I cut her out of my life about 2 years ago because she was so toxic and judgmental, and was just all around awful. She found out I was pregnant through a different friend we shared, and contacted me, saying she was so excited, and couldn't wait to visit this summer for newborn snuggles. I had no idea what to say to her at the time, but I guess she keeps talking to people saying how she's going to spoil this baby like crazy, which really bothers me. I don't want her in my child's life at ALL, and whenever I try to reach out to her to have this conversation, my texts/phone calls/FB messages go unanswered. I almost wish she was with my other two friends who don't care at all about the baby or my pregnancy, even though it sucks not to have them around anymore.

juliagulia38

Yeah unfortunately this happens. I was 19 when I got pregnant and had my first. 23 with my second and I'm 25 currently and will be 26 by the time I have this baby. I lost all of my college friends because I dropped out and we just weren't in the same part of life anymore. Honestly, most of my friends now are 30+ in age. It's because they have the same "lifestyle" I do and we can relate even though I'm younger. There are some challenges on my side but I think that's my insecurities about where we stand financially. (Renting an apt, no college degrees, etc) I'm sorry you are going through this. You will learn who your "real" friends are now. 

stillcozy

@schaze yikes! That girl needs some boundaries! 

sami1784

I had something similar, but it was right after I'd had DS.  I was flying solo since DH was deployed, and I mentioned missing DH and being kinda sad that he was missing the first few months with DS, while we were discussing being married to men in the military (she was a fellow army wife), and the "friend" went off on me because I had supposedly "known he was deploying when I got pregnant and had no room to complain" (actually, we found out almost 3 months in that he was deploying, so she had no clue what she was talking about).  When I let her know fairly quickly that she was wrong, she blocked me and I haven't spoken to her since.  I still don't know exactly what her problem was, but to be honest, it doesn't really matter to me.  "Friends" who act like that aren't real friends.
Sometimes, people are envious that you're having a baby and they aren't.  Sometimes, people are not happy because you're no longer free to do the stuff you could before pregnancy. Either way, just remember that it's an issue with them, not you.

soberkfell

@LF93 I understand where you're coming from, and I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do! As PP's have mentioned it seems to be rooted in a difference in your respective stages of life. I've been lucky that most of my friends and I have remained close; however, I do feel like there is some distance between us now because it's just more difficult to relate. Having a husband and kids has become a giant part of my life, so it's a lot of what I have and like to talk about... while I still want to hear about my friends' dating lives and such, I think they feel the need to hold back. And, since a majority of my friends are still not married and/or don't have children, I think they're united on that front, leaving me as somewhat of an outsider. Hoping that @Lindsayleigh1989 's advice works out for you and that giving them some space allows them to come back around. Separately, I hope you are able to find some other women expecting or young mothers to get to know and develop relationships with!

PhoebeJune1984

I had my first baby in my late 20's, and a lot of things with my friends changed. First, I was one of 14 friends/family members who were all pregnant at the same time. I had it in my mind that our kids would all grow up together, we would do playdates, yadda yadda yadda. It didn't work out that way. Sure they all have kids the same age as mine, but some are busy with their older child's schedule as well, some are busy because now they have a second kid, we all work, some stay at home but never really do anything without their kids, and some never leave their kids with their husbands because they feel guilty taking that time to themselves or their husbands refuse to do any of the parenting other than the "fun stuff". Friends came and went. One of my really close friends, that was a handful of years younger than me, we have seen each other maybe five times since my DD was born four years ago. I am sad that the friendship phased out, but we are at different points in our lives (me being married and with a kid, her still being single, in school, no kids). I noticed after awhile, I wasn't getting invited to things that much anymore while I was pregnant, and it was mostly me putting in the effort to meet up. After DD was born, it seemed like they figured that I couldn't do anything anymore because I had a baby. It was an isolating time for me, and over time, now that our kids are a little older, I do see some friends a little more often. I always have to remember that we are all busy though, and we can't always be there for each other 24/7 like we were pre-kids. But I am glad that instead of sitting around giving myself a pity party, I decided that I needed to find some people that I had more in common with. Not only did I meet a lot of new people, but I also reconnected with people that I went to high school with, that I wasn't really friends with in high school, but we are great friends now. If you put in the effort, it does get better. Until then, don't let your friends get you down. The change of you becoming a mom is also them realizing that your priorities are going to change, and that means the friendship is going to change in some way/shape/form as well....which may be hard for some friends to handle.

PinkLady2015

I've avoided this by not having any friends in the first place.

PleaseSendPicklesNow

@LF93 I'm sorry you're going through this. I want to reassure you that this happens to older first time moms, too. I'm 34, and my best friend has basically disappeared since I told her I'm pregnant. I've known her since we were teenagers, and when I told her the news, she was so excited. But she hasn't returned a single text or phone call since then.

She's a single mom, busting her ass to support her school-age son. I'm married and planning to be a stay-at-home mom. Her work schedule keeps her busy, but not like THIS. Our lives are becoming more and more different. That doesn't bother me, but I don't know how she feels. I'm not mad, but I miss her a lot. I wish I could discuss pregnancy and labor with her, since she's been there and done that.

@schaze That former friend sounds scary! She tells everyone she's excited about your baby,  she won't speak to you directly? Weird. I'm sure you had very good reasons for cutting ties with her. 

PhoebeJune1984

@PinkLady2015 I am scheming up ways of secretly becoming your BFF.....

DominiqueU

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's difficult when you're in different places in your life, but not impossible. I think most of the changes happened for me when I graduated from college. I didn't get to see all my close friends quite as often and I was working two full time jobs for quite a while. Luckily, I stayed close with the few friends that really mattered to me and I still saw the rest of my friends occasionally. I got married when I was 25, but that didn't seem to change too much, probably because I've been with my husband since I was 17 so nothing really changed there. 

Now that im pregnant, I still see my few
main friends frequently. Luckily, my sister and my mom are my main best friends and they can't really get away from me. None of my other friends have kids and most aren't married. I think you'll end up staying in touch with the people whose lifestyles mirror yours most, even if they're not married with kids. My best friends are all the old lady wear pajamas, watch tv, cook food, and make some crafts type of people. 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that yes, things will change. Your life is about to change drastically, but in an amazing way. People who want to be there will be, you just both have to continue to make an effort in the friendship. As for the other people, maybe you'll be the "see you every once in awhile" friends or the "it was nice knowing you" kind. 

PhoebeJune1984

Also @LF93, for what its worth, I had some reactions like that from when I first started announcing my pregnancy as well. My boyfriend (now husband), and I had been together for five years, everybody loved him, and we planned to have a baby (didn't tell anyone). It was amazing how some people reacted when we told them we were having a baby. Either they thought that the pregnancy was an accident, or they gave me attitude about it. As it finally started coming out, most of the ones that were cranky or acting weird about it, were ones that felt we should have been married first. It was like instead of just flat out saying it, they tip toed around the topic and instead distanced themselves or said harsh comments about the decision we had made. We had our reasons for choosing to spend our money on a baby instead of spending the money on a wedding. But it was hard, that even though we had been together for five years, there were people focused on the fact that we weren't married. They all got over it after awhile, and started acting normal again. I felt horrible.....my boyfriend was the first one to help anyone that needed help, he was a total family man, never says anything bad about anyone, yet here people were....talking horrible about him all of a sudden. 

I had to look at it for the fact that the ones that thought we were "wrong" for having a baby before marriage and making a "mistake", were the same ones that weren't in very good relationships with their own spouses. I had to remember that they are the last people I should look to when it comes to relationship/marriage/family advice. We had been together for five years, we had a home, great jobs, loved each other, RESPECTED/TRUSTED each other, and didn't need a legal document to prove that to other people. We had our daughter, replenished our wedding fund, got married when we had been together for 8 years, and will be celebrating ten years together at the end of this month. We had our reason for having our daughter first, and we would do it all over again if we had a do-over.

Point being, you be you. If you and your boyfriend are in a great relationship, and you two think you can handle it, focus on that and not what someone on the outside might be getting their panties in a wad about.

sunshineandwhiskey

When I was 22, one of my best friends had a baby and it changes everything. Honestly, we don't even speak anymore. Sometimes it just happens. And it's sad and unfortunate, but I have made other great friends along the way that I know will stick around. 

I would definitely try and continue to make an effort and hopefully she will come around like pps said.  Change is hard and people deal with it in different ways. Reach out to other friends too. You never know who you might grow close too 

DobbysSock

I haven't experienced this myself, but by the time I had DD a lot of my friends already had kids so it didn't really change any dynamics. My SIL (bro's wife) had my nephew in her early 20s and her friends have almost all dropped her. She has continued to make an effort but they just aren't receptive, unfortunately. They're all in university, single (or at least not married), and still in their party days. It's fairly common, unfortunately, and it's not about you (although I know that doesn't make it hurt any less). My SIL says she can't wait for the day her friends start having kids and realize what huge assholes they were to just drop her when she had kids.

I will say, I've found this stage in my life (having a young child) to be the easiest time of making friends. Hopefully that helps you feel a little better about the prospect of forming a new social group. I moved while on maternity leave and had no friends in my new city. I joined a bunch of things and met moms at play groups, swimming lessons, library story time, whatever, and it was so easy to ask if they want to meet up for a play date or go for a coffee to get out of the house. I think a lot of people want to connect with someone going through similar stages as themselves. DH has also connected with some of the husbands/dads of my new friends, too, which has been awesome as we can hang out as couples/families.

mamafox14

Most of my friends have been MIA since finding out I was pregnant. Most, but not all. I feel upset about it but then I think, if I am suddenly not interesting to you because I'm having a baby, then I guess I don't really need you in my life. Maybe that's a negative way to think about it but my friends that still seem to give a shit deserve more of my attention than the ones that have made a point to drop me. 

thebigoaktree

My DH has actually had to deal with this more than I have because my close friends already have kids, his however are anti kid, and not just anti kid to just say they're just not planning on ever having children, they're the type of people that find people that have kids weird. That DH's life is over because he can't go out and drink anymore. These are people that are almost 30 and still think they're in college. It's just this strange way of thinking that I'll never understand it. He has two friends left out of a group of about 8 and I'm still waiting to see if these last two get weird after we have our baby. I feel the loss of friends is pretty normal when ever you're doing something that the people around you aren't doing. 

whataboutscience

I'm 27 and have been married 6 years, yet all my longtime friends are still very single and school or career focused. They haven't been rude to me or anything because I don't think it's surprising to them that we are having kids at this point in life, but I've definitely noticed a difference in relationship. We don't keep in touch nearly as often. My life is totally different than theirs and when with my daughter around I can maybe give them half my attention.

Lyssiana

I'm 32 and will be 33 before this first child is born.  A lot of my friends have kids now but the very large friends group I have has made them out to be buzz kills, and I can't really decide if that's what they're doing to me. I've been married for 8 years, and people seem to be happy for me,  but it's hard to talk about the baby, without everyone seeming to get uncomfortable or bored or make demands of my parenting for after the child is born (put the child down, don't coddle them so that you can have babysitters and come out with us,  leave the kid at home). Bored I can at least understand, and I know some of them are trying but it's definitely going to be a hard transition. Some of these people I count as besties. Very few show actual disdain though, and while I can't drink I do still go out with them. I can drive.  

I'll cut out the toxic relationships over time. 

I'm sorry this is happening to you,  I certainly hope that you're able to make new connections.