Husband Issues after Baby?? — The Bump
Babies: 6 - 9 Months

Husband Issues after Baby??

hi everyone! I hope all is well, I posted in here throughout my pregnancy and now that my daughter is almost 9 months I decided to come back!

I'm a FTM I work full time and there just truly aren't enough hours in the day! I feel a constant guilt from being at work all day, coming home, having to cook straighten up, prepare for the next day while my daughter is sitting in her walker staring at me. I find the words " Hold on Ari" "Just let mommy finish this Ari, then I'll grab you" and before I know it, it's bath time and she's exhausted and ready to go to sleep. I hate it, I also find that I have a lot of resentment towards those I know that are stay at home moms that seem to have time to cook, and straighten up and still are able to give their kids all kinds of attention.

Not to mention the monster I feel like I've become towards my husband. Before baby, I always worried about how becoming parents would change our relationship and it makes me sad that it's come true. My husband is such an awesome, hands on dad, but so much of her daily life I've just always dealt with because he works long hours typically, so when we wake up he's gone and is usually home hours after we are. He's helpful on some ways but also clueless in others which drives me nuts and I make it known. During the winter he stays home with her (which I'm completely jealous of btw) and I just hate my attitude. I can feel myself being overwhelmed and I take it out on him. I know we need a much needed night out together because at this point I feel like roommates but I'm not big on my daughter sleeping out,  mainly because I feel guilty that I only get full days with her on the weekend and I would be shipping her off to someone else.

Idk, some days I feel like superwoman for all the stuff I do, I work full time, I cook, keep up with the house, I try to make all of her food, I also nurse her (I pump during the day at work) but then other days I feel worthless and like such a b*tch to my husband. I guess I just need to know if anyone feels/has felt this way and if there's anything you can suggest to help fix it. I love my baby girl to death, so much so that I am neglecting my marriage and I need to become a team again with my husband.

beemaya83

Re: Husband Issues after Baby??

  • I can relate to this almost 100% except I feel like I've been pretty fair with my husband. I know it's really hard to want to leave your baby on the weekend but I really suggest you take a night off of baby duty and go on a date. This is actually the best time to do it because baby is more independent around 9 months (except for if separation anxiety is kicking in) and they won't remember or fault you for being away. I would go as far as to suggest an overnight somewhere (if you have any trusted family or friends who could sit) to get away and reset with your H. It's so important to keep actively working on your marriage even though baby is now #1. My suggestion would be to do it on a holiday weekend where you will still have 1-2 days with LO but then the other day you can set aside to work on your marriage. Just a thought! We did this New Year's weekend since I had 4 days off and it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I also suggest doing little things occasionally to show that you care. I know it's hard to add anything on top of what you already have to do as a working mom, but even something little like grabbing his fave beer or food at the groc store might help. Does your H feel this distance like you are?
    beemaya83
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  • Agree with the PP.  I am right there with you nearly 100%, though I don't really resent my fiance when he gets to stay home with our LO.

    It's so tough, isn't it?  Same shit, day in and day out.  Wake up, get ready, get baby ready, drop her at the sitter, go to work, leave work, get baby, prep for next day, cook dinner, wash dishes, exercise, bath baby, get ready for bed, repeat.  It stinks.  I have no time for myself and I feel like no area of my life is getting 100% attention.  And I hate that I feel like my LO is not getting enough mom time.

    I just started this week to stop doing everything at 8:30.  If it isn't done, then it won't get done.  My LO gets me from 8:30 to 10 (when she goes to sleep).  No ifs, ands or butts.  I've found setting limits is helping.

    As far as your DH, I would definitely schedule something out, even if it's only 90 minutes for dinner.  It's so important to keep connected, but so easy to neglect our relationships with our men.  I know I am guilty of it.  I am trying to make my relationship more of a priority.  After all, it IS, and I shouldn't expect my fiance to just accept that I am too busy to make time for him.  I mean, he DOES understand, but it isn't fair.

    Not sure if any of this helps, but do know you are not alone.  It's tough, way tougher than I thought it would be.  Hang in there and give yourself permission to not be superwoman.  :)
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  • Your story is so common amongst moms! Especially FTM's. Having children changes every single aspect of your life and there is no way to prepare for it. All you can do is manage it.  

    Most of the work with parenting falls on the mom. That's just how it goes. However, you know that you and your H need to be a team so focus on that. Make it happen because it's so very important. Sit down and talk this out and let him know how you are feeling. A lot of men struggle with the baby stuff. I know my H certainly does. He prefers when kids are 3 years or above!

    As far as the jealousy towards SAHM's goes, I get it, but you need to find a way to nip that in the bud or you'll make yourself miserable. If you have to work then just accept it and don't dwell on it. Don't daydream about how you wish things could be, just enjoy the time you DO have with your family. That's what I do at least.

    Find ways to cut out the things you don't have to do while your LO is awake. Let the cleaning wait. Let the prep for the next day wait. I only have a few hours in the evenings with my kids so I play with them. Dishes can be done after they go to bed.

    Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

    beemaya83
  • Thank you ladies for the replies, it's truly appreciated! It is nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I appreciate the suggestions. Maybe we will plan a nice night out over the Holiday weekend coming up, MLK day. I have talked to my husband about it and he thinks I'm stressing for no reason, which in a way is comforting because it shows he apparently isn't as worried as I am, but then it also makes me feel like I'm going nuts because half the time I can't stand myself so Idk how he can stand me? And it's not so much that I resent that he gets to be home with her, it's more that he gets to be home with her and be in the moment where, when I am home I'm worried about making her food, making dinner, pumping, etc, all things that he has nothing to do with. I know that isn't his fault necessarily, but I can't help how it makes me feel. Either way, we are going to have to try harder to be us again because I really love the relationship we had. Thanks everyone!
  • Corigirl9 said:
    Thank you ladies for the replies, it's truly appreciated! It is nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I appreciate the suggestions. Maybe we will plan a nice night out over the Holiday weekend coming up, MLK day. I have talked to my husband about it and he thinks I'm stressing for no reason, which in a way is comforting because it shows he apparently isn't as worried as I am, but then it also makes me feel like I'm going nuts because half the time I can't stand myself so Idk how he can stand me? And it's not so much that I resent that he gets to be home with her, it's more that he gets to be home with her and be in the moment where, when I am home I'm worried about making her food, making dinner, pumping, etc, all things that he has nothing to do with. I know that isn't his fault necessarily, but I can't help how it makes me feel. Either way, we are going to have to try harder to be us again because I really love the relationship we had. Thanks everyone!

    I totally get this. Sucks being the mom sometimes! We always have things on our mind and men just don't get that. We can't shut our brains off even for a second. There's way too much to do.

    Good luck to you.

    crsanchez87
  • Corigirl9 said:
    Thank you ladies for the replies, it's truly appreciated! It is nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I appreciate the suggestions. Maybe we will plan a nice night out over the Holiday weekend coming up, MLK day. I have talked to my husband about it and he thinks I'm stressing for no reason, which in a way is comforting because it shows he apparently isn't as worried as I am, but then it also makes me feel like I'm going nuts because half the time I can't stand myself so Idk how he can stand me? And it's not so much that I resent that he gets to be home with her, it's more that he gets to be home with her and be in the moment where, when I am home I'm worried about making her food, making dinner, pumping, etc, all things that he has nothing to do with. I know that isn't his fault necessarily, but I can't help how it makes me feel. Either way, we are going to have to try harder to be us again because I really love the relationship we had. Thanks everyone!

    I totally get this. Sucks being the mom sometimes! We always have things on our mind and men just don't get that. We can't shut our brains off even for a second. There's way too much to do.

    Good luck to you.


    Or you could give your husband some of those responsibilities. He is more than capable of cleaning up, coking a simple dinner or ordering take out.

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  • Corigirl9 said:
    Thank you ladies for the replies, it's truly appreciated! It is nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I appreciate the suggestions. Maybe we will plan a nice night out over the Holiday weekend coming up, MLK day. I have talked to my husband about it and he thinks I'm stressing for no reason, which in a way is comforting because it shows he apparently isn't as worried as I am, but then it also makes me feel like I'm going nuts because half the time I can't stand myself so Idk how he can stand me? And it's not so much that I resent that he gets to be home with her, it's more that he gets to be home with her and be in the moment where, when I am home I'm worried about making her food, making dinner, pumping, etc, all things that he has nothing to do with. I know that isn't his fault necessarily, but I can't help how it makes me feel. Either way, we are going to have to try harder to be us again because I really love the relationship we had. Thanks everyone!

    I totally get this. Sucks being the mom sometimes! We always have things on our mind and men just don't get that. We can't shut our brains off even for a second. There's way too much to do.

    Good luck to you.


    Or you could give your husband some of those responsibilities. He is more than capable of cleaning up, coking a simple dinner or ordering take out.

    This is also true.
  • Your story is so common amongst moms! Especially FTM's. Having children changes every single aspect of your life and there is no way to prepare for it. All you can do is manage it.  

    As far as the jealousy towards SAHM's goes, I get it, but you need to find a way to nip that in the bud or you'll make yourself miserable. If you have to work then just accept it and don't dwell on it. Don't daydream about how you wish things could be, just enjoy the time you DO have with your family. That's what I do at least.

    Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

    Yes, well said. SAHM's have their own challenges with isolation,etc. (just check out the SAHM thread here on TB). 

    Me-37, DH-38
    Married in 2006, TTC #1 since Jan 2012

    Baby Boy born June 1, 2015

    He settles her in her home as a happy mother of children, praise the Lord! (Psalms 113:9)
    And the peace of God, which surpasses all understand, will guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:7)

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  • I just wanted to say you are not alone. I'm a ftm and have struggled with with a lot of the same things. My husband is a SAHD and although I'm so thankful our LO is with him going back to work was so hard. The plan all along was for me to be a sahm, but things happened and it didn't work out that way. In the beginning I made excuses for our situation saying "well this happened, so DH is home with her etc." a friend challenged me to find joy in the situation I was in and that really helped. I reminded myself how thankful I am to have a job that I love, how thankful I am to have an incredible husband who takes such good care of our baby. Truth be told he's better at keeping up with everything than me. I can relate to wanting to be home instead of him. What I realized is that if I let that start to get ahold of me it effects my relationship with DH, because he wonders if I resent him. I don't resent him, I just wish things were different sometimes. I also realized that when I do come home in so focused on making it up to LO that I'm gone, that I don't make my relationship a priority with my husband. So these are things I'm working on too. She's with her dad all day, she's fine, I need to cherish the time I spend with her and make sure my relationship with my husband is healthy because that will effect her also. Is there a possibility when yor husband is home with your baby that he could bring her to visit you on your lunch break? Just wanted you to know you are not alone!
    Corigirl9mindaa


  • Hope that the profanity doesn't offend anyone. I'm also a ftm that works full time and still likes a clean house and home cooked meal. I'm also married to a slob and found myself doing it all. He's great with baby and is home with him during 2 of my shifts a week but I got sick of coming home to a sink full of bottles and hearing "there's nothing to eat when r u going to the grocery store? " Had a heart to heart with him and told him something has got to give because I just can't do everything and resent him for it. I'm learning to prioritize housework as in making sure laundry is done and dishes clean but letting dust sit an extra few days, maybe an extra day between vacuuming. DH is taking care of food for now because I'm taking a break from cooking for a while and he actually took out the trash last night without being asked once! Truth is babies are not babies for long and there's no reward for being June Cleaver around the house and June didn't work either just saying. I say let the dust sit, run water over the dishes and clean them tomorrow and enjoy baby today!
    jerseygirl227
  • beemaya83beemaya83 member
    edited January 2016
    Did you end up doing anything on MLK day @corigirl9 ?

    I think that you and I are similar in the way that we want things done. I used to obsess about having the house cleaned, cooking, dishes, etc. Now I've learned to let some of those things go. There are things that can wait to be done. Spend the time that you do have during the week day with LO and do stuff when she is asleep. I'm going to go back to work in FEB. I told my husband he will be eating a lot of chicken and brown rice because I don't plan on spending more than 30 minutes in the kitchen (which includes prep time). I also plan on doing some meal prep over the weekend. It does save time during the week.
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