Husband Issues after Baby??
Corigirl9
member
hi everyone! I hope all is well, I posted in here throughout my pregnancy and now that my daughter is almost 9 months I decided to come back!
I'm a FTM I work full time and there just truly aren't enough hours in the day! I feel a constant guilt from being at work all day, coming home, having to cook straighten up, prepare for the next day while my daughter is sitting in her walker staring at me. I find the words " Hold on Ari" "Just let mommy finish this Ari, then I'll grab you" and before I know it, it's bath time and she's exhausted and ready to go to sleep. I hate it, I also find that I have a lot of resentment towards those I know that are stay at home moms that seem to have time to cook, and straighten up and still are able to give their kids all kinds of attention.
Not to mention the monster I feel like I've become towards my husband. Before baby, I always worried about how becoming parents would change our relationship and it makes me sad that it's come true. My husband is such an awesome, hands on dad, but so much of her daily life I've just always dealt with because he works long hours typically, so when we wake up he's gone and is usually home hours after we are. He's helpful on some ways but also clueless in others which drives me nuts and I make it known. During the winter he stays home with her (which I'm completely jealous of btw) and I just hate my attitude. I can feel myself being overwhelmed and I take it out on him. I know we need a much needed night out together because at this point I feel like roommates but I'm not big on my daughter sleeping out, mainly because I feel guilty that I only get full days with her on the weekend and I would be shipping her off to someone else.
Idk, some days I feel like superwoman for all the stuff I do, I work full time, I cook, keep up with the house, I try to make all of her food, I also nurse her (I pump during the day at work) but then other days I feel worthless and like such a b*tch to my husband. I guess I just need to know if anyone feels/has felt this way and if there's anything you can suggest to help fix it. I love my baby girl to death, so much so that I am neglecting my marriage and I need to become a team again with my husband.
Re: Husband Issues after Baby??
It's so tough, isn't it? Same shit, day in and day out. Wake up, get ready, get baby ready, drop her at the sitter, go to work, leave work, get baby, prep for next day, cook dinner, wash dishes, exercise, bath baby, get ready for bed, repeat. It stinks. I have no time for myself and I feel like no area of my life is getting 100% attention. And I hate that I feel like my LO is not getting enough mom time.
I just started this week to stop doing everything at 8:30. If it isn't done, then it won't get done. My LO gets me from 8:30 to 10 (when she goes to sleep). No ifs, ands or butts. I've found setting limits is helping.
As far as your DH, I would definitely schedule something out, even if it's only 90 minutes for dinner. It's so important to keep connected, but so easy to neglect our relationships with our men. I know I am guilty of it. I am trying to make my relationship more of a priority. After all, it IS, and I shouldn't expect my fiance to just accept that I am too busy to make time for him. I mean, he DOES understand, but it isn't fair.
Not sure if any of this helps, but do know you are not alone. It's tough, way tougher than I thought it would be. Hang in there and give yourself permission to not be superwoman.
Your story is so common amongst moms! Especially FTM's. Having children changes every single aspect of your life and there is no way to prepare for it. All you can do is manage it.
Most of the work with parenting falls on the mom. That's just how it goes. However, you know that you and your H need to be a team so focus on that. Make it happen because it's so very important. Sit down and talk this out and let him know how you are feeling. A lot of men struggle with the baby stuff. I know my H certainly does. He prefers when kids are 3 years or above!
As far as the jealousy towards SAHM's goes, I get it, but you need to find a way to nip that in the bud or you'll make yourself miserable. If you have to work then just accept it and don't dwell on it. Don't daydream about how you wish things could be, just enjoy the time you DO have with your family. That's what I do at least.
Find ways to cut out the things you don't have to do while your LO is awake. Let the cleaning wait. Let the prep for the next day wait. I only have a few hours in the evenings with my kids so I play with them. Dishes can be done after they go to bed.
Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing a great job.
I totally get this. Sucks being the mom sometimes! We always have things on our mind and men just don't get that. We can't shut our brains off even for a second. There's way too much to do.
Good luck to you.
Or you could give your husband some of those responsibilities. He is more than capable of cleaning up, coking a simple dinner or ordering take out.
**** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
This is also true.
Hope that the profanity doesn't offend anyone. I'm also a ftm that works full time and still likes a clean house and home cooked meal. I'm also married to a slob and found myself doing it all. He's great with baby and is home with him during 2 of my shifts a week but I got sick of coming home to a sink full of bottles and hearing "there's nothing to eat when r u going to the grocery store? " Had a heart to heart with him and told him something has got to give because I just can't do everything and resent him for it. I'm learning to prioritize housework as in making sure laundry is done and dishes clean but letting dust sit an extra few days, maybe an extra day between vacuuming. DH is taking care of food for now because I'm taking a break from cooking for a while and he actually took out the trash last night without being asked once! Truth is babies are not babies for long and there's no reward for being June Cleaver around the house and June didn't work either just saying. I say let the dust sit, run water over the dishes and clean them tomorrow and enjoy baby today!
I think that you and I are similar in the way that we want things done. I used to obsess about having the house cleaned, cooking, dishes, etc. Now I've learned to let some of those things go. There are things that can wait to be done. Spend the time that you do have during the week day with LO and do stuff when she is asleep. I'm going to go back to work in FEB. I told my husband he will be eating a lot of chicken and brown rice because I don't plan on spending more than 30 minutes in the kitchen (which includes prep time). I also plan on doing some meal prep over the weekend. It does save time during the week.
BFP #1 12/23/13 MMC 01/24/14 @ 9w5days