@mcklough is throwing a shower at MTB's house really frowned upon? I wasn't aware of that. IMO, it would make things so much easier! No transporting tons of gifts around. And especially in your situation with travel, I think it would be the most convenient. But that's just me. I wouldn't side eye it based on the situation.
@mcklough is throwing a shower at MTB's house really frowned upon? I wasn't aware of that. IMO, it would make things so much easier! No transporting tons of gifts around. And especially in your situation with travel, I think it would be the most convenient. But that's just me. I wouldn't side eye it based on the situation.
I was never aware of that. I don't think it matters where the shower is being held as long as the mother to be isn't hosting it.
I'm not planning on throwing myself a shower, but I know people in situations where there is no close female relative or best friend where they live. I tried to figure out how to throw one for someone in that position but I live 4 hours from her and the logistics and costs would be through the roof since we would need to not only pay for a place to have it but also food. Would I be able to do it if it wasn't frowned upon for it to be at the girls house? Yes because then we can go to the grocery store and prepare foods there and not pay for a room.
I also think it's unfair to say that just because someone doesn't feel comfortable throwing your entire shower that there aren't people interested in attend. I also don't see showers as gift grabby so that probably shapes my opinions. Plus if someone thinks your tacky for doing something they don't have to attend- doesn't mean other people aren't going to be fine with it. You also probably know your friends and family better than any of us internet strangers do.
I have attended showers that I did side eye for whatever reason, because it's easier to just go than to have to explain why you aren't attending, in case someone asks why you aren't going. Esp, if it is a family member.
The whole point of a shower is to shower the mother to be with gifts. Have you ever gone to a shower and not bring a gift? Wouldn't you think it is weird if someone attended a shower without a gift? It's a gift giving event.
I see this thread has taken a twist in another direction, but to answer your question OP, I live out of state, and so my family is planning my shower when I'll be "home" over Christmas. We're doing it Dec 27, but are a little nervous people will be busy or out of town for the holidays and won't be able to attend.
I was a little nervous that having half my life (family and old friends) in one state, and half my life (newer, current friends, coworkers, etc) in a different state 12 hours away, that a shower would be overlooked. It's actually worked out awesome because instead someone in each location has offered to throw a small one.
I think a lot of rules regarding traditional baby showers have changed and it's okay to be a little out of the ordinary. I'm hoping my family will let me be involved in at least some of the planning because I'm so excited, and hate waiting for surprises.
I agree that planning your own shower is tacky. With my first I had two showers (my MIL and SMIL are a little competitive) and for the first one, planned by SMIL and a friend of mine, I was roped into a planning session and ended up making the dessert and helping with invites and decor. It made me very uncomfortable to be involved but they were doing a nice thing for me and it felt rude to say no? I don't know. I would never ask the person the party is being thrown for to help in any way if I were doing the planning. I appreciate everything they did, though.
A shower is not a life event like a graduation or a wedding or the birth of your child. People place far too much importance on them. They are no where near on par with the aforementioned. Not everything in your life needs to be some Pinterest, Instagram worthy show off event.
You're reading that wrong. @wisco29 was agreeing with @twindling. Your response was the rude one.
Please. She can handle herself. The response was rude and riddled with snark. I pointed it out. Slow your roll, sweets.
Please. She can handle herself. The response was rude and riddled with snark. I pointed it out. Slow your roll, sweets.
Please stop condescending to me. I read her response differently than you and others. I see a lot more interaction between those two than you do, so I'm using my other experience with them.
Please. She can handle herself. The response was rude and riddled with snark. I pointed it out. Slow your roll, sweets.
Please stop condescending to me. I read her response differently than you and others. I see a lot more interaction between those two than you do, so I'm using my other experience with them.
Like I said, she can handle herself. However, if you're going to call me rude, please expect that I will respond in kind.
@mcklough is throwing a shower at MTB's house really frowned upon? I wasn't aware of that. IMO, it would make things so much easier! No transporting tons of gifts around. And especially in your situation with travel, I think it would be the most convenient. But that's just me. I wouldn't side eye it based on the situation.
I was never aware of that. I don't think it matters where the shower is being held as long as the mother to be isn't hosting it.
I'm not planning on throwing myself a shower, but I know people in situations where there is no close female relative or best friend where they live. I tried to figure out how to throw one for someone in that position but I live 4 hours from her and the logistics and costs would be through the roof since we would need to not only pay for a place to have it but also food. Would I be able to do it if it wasn't frowned upon for it to be at the girls house? Yes because then we can go to the grocery store and prepare foods there and not pay for a room.
I also think it's unfair to say that just because someone doesn't feel comfortable throwing your entire shower that there aren't people interested in attend. I also don't see showers as gift grabby so that probably shapes my opinions. Plus if someone thinks your tacky for doing something they don't have to attend- doesn't mean other people aren't going to be fine with it. You also probably know your friends and family better than any of us internet strangers do.
I have attended showers that I did side eye for whatever reason, because it's easier to just go than to have to explain why you aren't attending, in case someone asks why you aren't going. Esp, if it is a family member.
The whole point of a shower is to shower the mother to be with gifts. Have you ever gone to a shower and not bring a gift? Wouldn't you think it is weird if someone attended a shower without a gift? It's a gift giving event.
I guess I assumed that having it at the MTBs house would imply that she was at least in part hosting it and would be frowned upon. My assumption on that must have been wrong. I agree it would be a lot easier to avoid all the transportation.
Are birthday parties or christenings considered gift grabby? (I'm genuinely asking) I like buying gifts and if I don't feel like I'm attending a party or giving genuinely with a good heart then I don't go. And yes I've been to showers where people haven't brought gifts other than a card or well wishes including my own bridal shower. I personally wouldn't do it but that's because I have the money and I love shopping for and attending showers and parties and as I said if I didn't feel good about it I wouldn't go but for those who attended my bridal shower and wedding without gifts I was just glad they were there.
I've never heard of anyone throwing their own shower! Entitlement runs rampant these days. Sometimes life doesn't play out in your favor, but if you are ok with alienating people by going against social conventions, that's on you.
@mcklough is throwing a shower at MTB's house really frowned upon? I wasn't aware of that. IMO, it would make things so much easier! No transporting tons of gifts around. And especially in your situation with travel, I think it would be the most convenient. But that's just me. I wouldn't side eye it based on the situation.
I wasn't aware this was frowned upon...My SIL wants to host my shower in Jan, but wants to do it at my house to make it easier for me so I don't have to cart everything back there anyway...
@mcklough is throwing a shower at MTB's house really frowned upon? I wasn't aware of that. IMO, it would make things so much easier! No transporting tons of gifts around. And especially in your situation with travel, I think it would be the most convenient. But that's just me. I wouldn't side eye it based on the situation.
I wasn't aware this was frowned upon...My SIL wants to host my shower in Jan, but wants to do it at my house to make it easier for me so I don't have to cart everything back there anyway...
sorry- I was assuming that it was frowned upon because it may have implied that the MTB was hosting. I'm glad to hear it's not- you can ignore me
I wasn't aware this was frowned upon...My SIL wants to host my shower in Jan, but wants to do it at my house to make it easier for me so I don't have to cart everything back there anyway...
I don't think it is. It doesn't matter where as long as the MTB isn't the hostess.
I guess I assumed that having it at the MTBs house would imply that she was at least in part hosting it and would be frowned upon. My assumption on that must have been wrong. I agree it would be a lot easier to avoid all the transportation.
Are birthday parties or christenings considered gift grabby? (I'm genuinely asking) I like buying gifts and if I don't feel like I'm attending a party or giving genuinely with a good heart then I don't go. And yes I've been to showers where people haven't brought gifts other than a card or well wishes including my own bridal shower. I personally wouldn't do it but that's because I have the money and I love shopping for and attending showers and parties and as I said if I didn't feel good about it I wouldn't go but for those who attended my bridal shower and wedding without gifts I was just glad they were there.
I think it depends on the birthday party. When I go to a kid's birthday party, I would never show up empty handed. But among my friends (we are mid 30s), we normally get together at a restaurant for someone's birthday, or something similar but no one expects gifts. We may buy the birthday person shots or drinks or something but gifts are rarely exchanged. Of course there are exceptions like someone saw something funny that they wanted to get the birthday person, or one year I made sugar free home made fruit sorbet for a friend with PCOS who couldn't eat ice cream or cake because of her meds. So I guess to answer your questions, I don't automatically associate birthday parties with gifts, whereas I always associate showers with gifts.
I don't think a shower at the MTB's house is tacky if she isn't throwing it. The party planners should still be paying for food, inviting people, decorating, and organizing.
A shower is not a life event like a graduation or a wedding or the birth of your child. People place far too much importance on them. They are no where near on par with the aforementioned. Not everything in your life needs to be some Pinterest, Instagram worthy show off event.
You're reading that wrong. @wisco29 was agreeing with @twindling. Your response was the rude one.
----END QUOTE--- I've read and re-read @wisco29 response and the last bit still looks unnecessarily rude/snarky to me, no matter which way you look at it.
I'm with some PPs.. I think some showers have gotten out of hand. If the host enjoys doing that kind of stuff, great! But some people don't have the means/time to be able to meet these unrealistic expectations.
I know I'm in the minority here, but I think it's weird for the MTB (or bride to be, or whatever) to be really involved in the planning of their own shower. I don't feel like they should be deciding on decor, menus, location, theme, etc. Maybe input in a few things, like color, type of shower (lunch, mid afternoon snacks, etc), and definitely dates, but sitting down and going over your Pinterest board is just weird to me.
@VitaLuna I just decided on a theme for my nursery so I did send that information to mil/boss if they decided to plan their respective showers around that, but I would NEVER expect them to. As far as I'm concerned, I provide a list of the guests I would *like* invited, and where the hosts go with that is their decision. I feel honored to be getting two showers in the first place.
@VitaLuna I just decided on a theme for my nursery so I did send that information to mil/boss if they decided to plan their respective showers around that, but I would NEVER expect them to. As far as I'm concerned, I provide a list of the guests I would *like* invited, and where the hosts go with that is their decision. I feel honored to be getting two showers in the first place.
I agree. The biggest thing that bothers me about this Pinterest craze (and yes, I spend a lot of time on there, too!) is that people get such unrealistic expectations about what they *should* get or want to get and lose appreciation for the fact that they're getting a shower in the first place, which no one is entitled to, IMO. I can guarantee that at least a few people on this board will be disappointed in their showers because of it, whether they say so on here or not.
I also fully believe that it is YOUR job to support your child and buy what they need. I got maybe 3 things off our registry as gifts, and I remember my last BMB where some moms were all mopey because they didn't get what they "needed".. rather, got what the gifter wanted to buy/spend their money on. Go figure.
A shower is not a life event like a graduation or a wedding or the birth of your child. People place far too much importance on them. They are no where near on par with the aforementioned. Not everything in your life needs to be some Pinterest, Instagram worthy show off event.
You're reading that wrong. @wisco29 was agreeing with @twindling. Your response was the rude one.
----END QUOTE--- I've read and re-read @wisco29 response and the last bit still looks unnecessarily rude/snarky to me, no matter which way you look at it.
I'm with some PPs.. I think some showers have gotten out of hand. If the host enjoys doing that kind of stuff, great! But some people don't have the means/time to be able to meet these unrealistic expectations.
I know I'm in the minority here, but I think it's weird for the MTB (or bride to be, or whatever) to be really involved in the planning of their own shower. I don't feel like they should be deciding on decor, menus, location, theme, etc. Maybe input in a few things, like color, type of shower (lunch, mid afternoon snacks, etc), and definitely dates, but sitting down and going over your Pinterest board is just weird to me.
------------quite fail-----------
I felt exceedingly awkward having input (and then being expected to do things!) for my shower. I didn't like it at all.
I know I'm in the minority here, but I think it's weird for the MTB (or bride to be, or whatever) to be really involved in the planning of their own shower. I don't feel like they should be deciding on decor, menus, location, theme, etc. Maybe input in a few things, like color, type of shower (lunch, mid afternoon snacks, etc), and definitely dates, but sitting down and going over your Pinterest board is just weird to me.
---- anticipating quote fail------ I think it depends on who's hosting. My mom is hosting mine and we're super close. It's fun to plan it together and just another thing to get excited about.
Feb '16 Siggy Challenge: Favorite Thing About Fall: Haunted Houses and Scary Movies!
I think it can definitely be at the MTB's home, and the MTB can certainly give input. Really, you just need a friend or someone to host it, meaning--send invitations, keep track or RSVPs, provide any food/games or get other friends organized to do this.
It doesn't have to be a huge deal to host. That's why I find it really strange why anyone would host their own when so many people would find it tacky. I've been to $500 showers and $50 showers and honestly, there is not much difference.
And yes, an adult birthday party where gifts are expected is tacky. H and I hosted a joint bday party last year and specifically put "no gifts" on the invite.
Kids parties are different. Yes, there will be gifts!
people throw birthday parties for their significant others all the time... I guess I don't see why that's different than throwing a baby shower. Why can't you just say that the baby's father is throwing it and then do most of the planning?
First, that would be so obvious that the mother to be is throwing the party. Second, birthdays aren't shared between the couples, whereas the mother to be isn't having a baby all by herself. If the father to be is throwing the party, it wouldn't be any different than the mother to be throwing one for herself.
Besides, this may be harsh, but if no one wants to throw you (not 'you' specifically) a shower, have you thought about the fact that maybe no one really wants to attend the shower?
Also, no shower does not mean people can't get you presents. I specifically did not invite anyone that was not within 30 min radius from me, other than my mother in law and my sister in law. But after the baby was born, our extended families from all over the world, sent gifts for my baby. If they want to give you a gift, they will find a way.
I think you bring up a really good point here that I didn't think of before. A relative is having a baby shortly before I am, and because she lives in a different state, I wasn't invited to her shower. That being said, I will certainly still send her something from her registry, and I know she will do the same for me. I think even without a shower, most MTB will receive gifts and gear from friends and family.
Another point, if you are in a bad financial spot and need essentials, a baby shower isn't the best way to get what you need. People like to buy fun items not functional items. I only got one item that was truly a necessity at my shower and that was the crib my parents gifted me. A better option would be to discuss you situation with close friends and family and ask for hand me downs.
Feb 2016 Siggy Challenge, Favorite Thing About Fall
I feel like this thread got derailed and don't understand why so many people get so feisty. She's asking for advice, not critism on something unrelated. Yes, yes we're all pregnant and online but let's try to not use that as an excuse to be rude...
I've heard having your baby shower in the 2nd trimester is ideal so you have time to get things organized plenty of time before the baby comes (and get remaining items without feeling too rushed). You look pregnant but not super uncomfortable. Of course, other factors weigh in too. We are having ours the Sunday before Thanksgiving (due Feb 6) because mil (our host) is in town for a wedding and can stay through the holiday. Some out of state friends said they could come because of the holiday and plan to come out anyway, so holidays aren't so bad!
Here's a question: from the beginning my mom said she wanted to host my shower. I agreed and was thankful, then she said she wasn't going to listen to any of my input as far as what I wanted and said if I wanted to give her ideas then she wasn't doing the shower. I ended up giving in and telling her she could pick a theme and do what she wanted.
Fast forward two months later: I am friends with my nephews mother( my brother and her separated when my nephew was 1) and I told my mom I was planning to invite her. My mom threw a fit (because she doesn't like my nephews mom because my nephews mom won't let her son (my nephew) live with my mom, which is his grandmother) and said that was a problem and if I was inviting her then she wasn't hosting my shower.
So much drama already. I asked my mom three times that if I invite my nephews mom was she really not going to be throwing me a shower and she said yes that was correct all three times, so I told her my fiancé would do it then.
My fiancé offered to work with my aunt and the two of them would give me a shower.
I feel bad for taking it away from my mom, but I should be able to invite who I want to my shower. And with her threatening to not do my shower twice now, I can't guarantee that she won't get mad at me between now and November and threaten to cancel it, or cancel it last minute.
Here's a question: from the beginning my mom said she wanted to host my shower. I agreed and was thankful, then she said she wasn't going to listen to any of my input as far as what I wanted and said if I wanted to give her ideas then she wasn't doing the shower. I ended up giving in and telling her she could pick a theme and do what she wanted.
Fast forward two months later: I am friends with my nephews mother( my brother and her separated when my nephew was 1) and I told my mom I was planning to invite her. My mom threw a fit (because she doesn't like my nephews mom because my nephews mom won't let her son (my nephew) live with my mom, which is his grandmother) and said that was a problem and if I was inviting her then she wasn't hosting my shower.
So much drama already. I asked my mom three times that if I invite my nephews mom was she really not going to be throwing me a shower and she said yes that was correct all three times, so I told her my fiancé would do it then.
My fiancé offered to work with my aunt and the two of them would give me a shower.
I feel bad for taking it away from my mom, but I should be able to invite who I want to my shower. And with her threatening to not do my shower twice now, I can't guarantee that she won't get mad at me between now and November and threaten to cancel it, or cancel it last minute.
Thoughts? Opinions? Am I being out of line?
I think you did the right thing... and because your fiance is working with your aunt, I think it's totally fine. I'm sorry you're going through all that with your mom.
Feb '16 Siggy Challenge: Favorite Thing About Fall: Haunted Houses and Scary Movies!
Here's a question: from the beginning my mom said she wanted to host my shower. I agreed and was thankful, then she said she wasn't going to listen to any of my input as far as what I wanted and said if I wanted to give her ideas then she wasn't doing the shower. I ended up giving in and telling her she could pick a theme and do what she wanted.
Fast forward two months later: I am friends with my nephews mother( my brother and her separated when my nephew was 1) and I told my mom I was planning to invite her. My mom threw a fit (because she doesn't like my nephews mom because my nephews mom won't let her son (my nephew) live with my mom, which is his grandmother) and said that was a problem and if I was inviting her then she wasn't hosting my shower.
So much drama already. I asked my mom three times that if I invite my nephews mom was she really not going to be throwing me a shower and she said yes that was correct all three times, so I told her my fiancé would do it then.
My fiancé offered to work with my aunt and the two of them would give me a shower.
I feel bad for taking it away from my mom, but I should be able to invite who I want to my shower. And with her threatening to not do my shower twice now, I can't guarantee that she won't get mad at me between now and November and threaten to cancel it, or cancel it last minute.
Thoughts? Opinions? Am I being out of line?
I don't think you're out of line. I think your mom is being childish.
Here's a question: from the beginning my mom said she wanted to host my shower. I agreed and was thankful, then she said she wasn't going to listen to any of my input as far as what I wanted and said if I wanted to give her ideas then she wasn't doing the shower. I ended up giving in and telling her she could pick a theme and do what she wanted.
Fast forward two months later: I am friends with my nephews mother( my brother and her separated when my nephew was 1) and I told my mom I was planning to invite her. My mom threw a fit (because she doesn't like my nephews mom because my nephews mom won't let her son (my nephew) live with my mom, which is his grandmother) and said that was a problem and if I was inviting her then she wasn't hosting my shower.
So much drama already. I asked my mom three times that if I invite my nephews mom was she really not going to be throwing me a shower and she said yes that was correct all three times, so I told her my fiancé would do it then.
My fiancé offered to work with my aunt and the two of them would give me a shower.
I feel bad for taking it away from my mom, but I should be able to invite who I want to my shower. And with her threatening to not do my shower twice now, I can't guarantee that she won't get mad at me between now and November and threaten to cancel it, or cancel it last minute.
Thoughts? Opinions? Am I being out of line?
First, I'm sorry that your mom is acting that way.
However, your fiance should not have any part in hosting the shower at all. Even though it's the welcome you to motherhood, it's known that he will also be benefiting from the gifts you will receive and is in poor taste to have him help host it. Your aunt wouldn't be an etiquette issue.
Having said that, typically the host has the final say in regards to all things shower-related. The MTB shouldn't be involved, although many hosts will ask the MTB for a guest list, if there are any particular dates she has in mind, theme, etc. It shouldn't be presumed that you will be involved, as your mom may have her own ideas and thoughts for how she wanted your shower to be planned.
In most cases, the host is paying for the shower so the host has the final say.
Re: Baby Shower
Please. She can handle herself. The response was rude and riddled with snark. I pointed it out. Slow your roll, sweets.
Like I said, she can handle herself. However, if you're going to call me rude, please expect that I will respond in kind.
I guess I assumed that having it at the MTBs house would imply that she was at least in part hosting it and would be frowned upon. My assumption on that must have been wrong. I agree it would be a lot easier to avoid all the transportation.
Are birthday parties or christenings considered gift grabby? (I'm genuinely asking) I like buying gifts and if I don't feel like I'm attending a party or giving genuinely with a good heart then I don't go. And yes I've been to showers where people haven't brought gifts other than a card or well wishes including my own bridal shower. I personally wouldn't do it but that's because I have the money and I love shopping for and attending showers and parties and as I said if I didn't feel good about it I wouldn't go but for those who attended my bridal shower and wedding without gifts I was just glad they were there.
*Kate*
February 2016
Baby F.......02/02/2016
*Kate*
February 2016
----END QUOTE---
I've read and re-read @wisco29 response and the last bit still looks unnecessarily rude/snarky to me, no matter which way you look at it.
I'm with some PPs.. I think some showers have gotten out of hand. If the host enjoys doing that kind of stuff, great! But some people don't have the means/time to be able to meet these unrealistic expectations.
I know I'm in the minority here, but I think it's weird for the MTB (or bride to be, or whatever) to be really involved in the planning of their own shower. I don't feel like they should be deciding on decor, menus, location, theme, etc. Maybe input in a few things, like color, type of shower (lunch, mid afternoon snacks, etc), and definitely dates, but sitting down and going over your Pinterest board is just weird to me.
I also fully believe that it is YOUR job to support your child and buy what they need. I got maybe 3 things off our registry as gifts, and I remember my last BMB where some moms were all mopey because they didn't get what they "needed".. rather, got what the gifter wanted to buy/spend their money on. Go figure.
I've read and re-read @wisco29 response and the last bit still looks unnecessarily rude/snarky to me, no matter which way you look at it.
I'm with some PPs.. I think some showers have gotten out of hand. If the host enjoys doing that kind of stuff, great! But some people don't have the means/time to be able to meet these unrealistic expectations.
I know I'm in the minority here, but I think it's weird for the MTB (or bride to be, or whatever) to be really involved in the planning of their own shower. I don't feel like they should be deciding on decor, menus, location, theme, etc. Maybe input in a few things, like color, type of shower (lunch, mid afternoon snacks, etc), and definitely dates, but sitting down and going over your Pinterest board is just weird to me.
------------quite fail-----------
I felt exceedingly awkward having input (and then being expected to do things!) for my shower. I didn't like it at all.
It doesn't have to be a huge deal to host. That's why I find it really strange why anyone would host their own when so many people would find it tacky. I've been to $500 showers and $50 showers and honestly, there is not much difference.
And yes, an adult birthday party where gifts are expected is tacky. H and I hosted a joint bday party last year and specifically put "no gifts" on the invite.
Kids parties are different. Yes, there will be gifts!
Feb 2016 Siggy Challenge, Favorite Thing About Fall
I've heard having your baby shower in the 2nd trimester is ideal so you have time to get things organized plenty of time before the baby comes (and get remaining items without feeling too rushed). You look pregnant but not super uncomfortable. Of course, other factors weigh in too. We are having ours the Sunday before Thanksgiving (due Feb 6) because mil (our host) is in town for a wedding and can stay through the holiday. Some out of state friends said they could come because of the holiday and plan to come out anyway, so holidays aren't so bad!
Fast forward two months later: I am friends with my nephews mother( my brother and her separated when my nephew was 1) and I told my mom I was planning to invite her. My mom threw a fit (because she doesn't like my nephews mom because my nephews mom won't let her son (my nephew) live with my mom, which is his grandmother) and said that was a problem and if I was inviting her then she wasn't hosting my shower.
So much drama already. I asked my mom three times that if I invite my nephews mom was she really not going to be throwing me a shower and she said yes that was correct all three times, so I told her my fiancé would do it then.
My fiancé offered to work with my aunt and the two of them would give me a shower.
I feel bad for taking it away from my mom, but I should be able to invite who I want to my shower. And with her threatening to not do my shower twice now, I can't guarantee that she won't get mad at me between now and November and threaten to cancel it, or cancel it last minute.
Thoughts? Opinions? Am I being out of line?