Alright STM (+) FESS UP! How many have used a leash/harness with your kids??
We have not but DD is only about to be 2.
I was all team anti-harness till DS started walking. He'd try to run out into traffic, escape me at the store, church, and mom & me events . . . So I bought him a little backpack that has a tether that clips on to it, and honestly I don't use the tether a lot, but I can see its virtue, especially when I've got 2 mobile kids!
Now DS uses his backpack as a diaper bag - I keep a couple diapers, wipes, a sippy cup and maybe a snack and/or small toy in there. He loves his "pack-pack" and I love knowing that I can grab onto it and keep him from running into traffic. We rarely use the stroller anymore because DS prefers to walk unless it's a great distance.
My kid will have respect. A lot of kids these days do not have that! There will be no tolerance for talking back or being a bully. Kids will be kids, I know, but that's no excuse to let the kid be disrespectful or mean. Do I side eye the Mom walking around Target, with a screaming kid in her basket, who appears to hear nothing and seems to be having a lovely stroll about the store? Yes. I was never allowed to act that way in public! There are other people that don't want to deal with my kids shenanigans. I refuse to let my kid act like that. I'm not saying meltdowns don't happen, but she will learn melting down in public will not be tolerated. There's a few other things I have on my list but this is by far my biggest one.
As far as crummy eating DS is an amazing eater. He eats almost anything we eat, but sometimes your kid just doesn't feel like eating something. Can you blame them? DH and I try to eat healthy but every once in a while we still like to order a pizza. If my 2 year old wants a damn corn dog and some fries at a restaurant and that will keep him playing happily and content in his seat then he can have it. The same people who judge parents for giving their kids chicken nuggets while out to dinner are the same people who would also judge them when said child starts getting antsy or fussy when you try to serve them a salad. As a parent you often find yourself choosing the lesser of two evils.
I read this article recently - it's really sweet. In it, the author gets called out by a stranger for the fact that her kid is being carried on the way home from a bunch of medical tests. It changes her perspective, and she now approaches parents who are having a rough time to encourage them, and has heard some amazing and sad stories. I definitely recommend the read, but, warning: I cried most of the way through it!
https://themighty.com/2015/02/to-the-mean-stranger-who-judged-my-parenting-abilities-thank-you/
Regarding the leash: I will never forget the judgement I received from my childless friends and family when they saw I had registered for the little monkey backpack harness for DD and it wasn't just a joke. My favorite was "you really don't think you'll have enough control over your kid to keep her from running off? Just pay attention to her. It's not that hard." Yeah....mmkay....Fuck you very much.
My kid will have respect. A lot of kids these days do not have that! There will be no tolerance for talking back or being a bully. Kids will be kids, I know, but that's no excuse to let the kid be disrespectful or mean. Do I side eye the Mom walking around Target, with a screaming kid in her basket, who appears to hear nothing and seems to be having a lovely stroll about the store? Yes. I was never allowed to act that way in public! There are other people that don't want to deal with my kids shenanigans. I refuse to let my kid act like that. I'm not saying meltdowns don't happen, but she will learn melting down in public will not be tolerated. There's a few other things I have on my list but this is by far my biggest one.
This. I see all of these moms in the thread saying, "Oh, just wait until you're put in the situation," but, no. I am a not being a FTM with rose-colored glasses and high aspirations here. None of the children that I'm close to – my stepdaughter (who has special needs), my nieces or nephews, the children of my friends – are allowed to have meltdowns in public like this, and my brother and I weren't allowed to either. In fact, the meltdown is one thing, but traveling through the store ignoring your kid while they scream at the top of their lungs is not ok. You're bothering other people, and I don't believe that I'm being unrealistic by saying that it won't be tolerated in my household.
I'm a mega lurker, but my daughter is only 6 weeks old and most of the "I won't allow..." that I decided when I was pregnant have gone out the window.We always said she would sleep in the bassinet, she would sleep on her back, no cosleeping, no paci, etc. Yeah. That lasted about two days. She refuses to sleep in the bassinet, in fact, the only way I can get her to sleep longer than 5 mins is on her side in the Rock n Play or on bed with me. She also comfort nurses ALL DAY LONG so we offered her a paci by day two, but of course, as fate would have it, she wants nothing to do with it. Your child doesn't come out and you can train them to be who you want them to be. You have to get to know your child all over again and figure out what works and what doesn't. There are certain things that can work if you're consistent, but am I guilty of standing in the check out line at the grocery store with a screaming baby in my stroller? Absolutely. Because I was 4 weeks PP, my husband was working a lot, and we hadn't gotten groceries since before I went into labor unexpectedly at 37 weeks. Was I about to abandon my cart and run to the car because she was being fussy? No. We needed that stuff, and I had to push through the stares until I could get my things and leave. Luckily, I wasn't met with judgement. In fact, one woman stopped me and said, "it does get easier."
I am about to be a mom to a newborn again after 17 yrs. I had my son at 20. I was a single mom and taught him right from wrong, always say please and thank you, look both ways before you cross the street. I never lied to him of the horrors of the world. He knew we didn't have much so he knew what NO meant. All of his friends are pretty good kids for being 16&17 year olds. So his decision making has been good. This is all you can do as a parent realize they are not babies forever. You are raising the future. They will get jobs, pay taxes and be parents themselves. And I'm willing to bet on no job application will it ask if they had French fries for dinner, or at what time did they start walking. Do your best that's all,, they will still love you and more importantly respect you for doing just that.
To the eye rollers of this thread: This thread was not made to judge other mothers and families about how they raise their children. Every mother; as a new mom or one of many children, have their own ways of raising children and I believe that everyone of us at some point have surely seen something where you thought in your head, " I'm not going to raise my child like that!" It's not necessarily saying that the other mother was doing it wrong, it's just maybe not the way you were raised or plan on raising your child. It's also not saying that we FTMs won't give in to the things we said we'd never do. (I'm sure we have much to learn over the next several years!)
Mostly I posted this post to see what those things were for other moms. Meant to just be for fun, not to bash or judge other moms. We all have different views on raising children and sometimes people can learn things to try or not try when it comes down to raising your own by watching other people. Sorry if anyone feels offended by this thread. Like I said, I just thought it'd be fun to hear what others have seen that made them think about how they will or won't raise their kids.
And like a few of you have mentioned it would be fun to glance back in a few years at what we all said and say "boy, was I naive back then!!"
just a note not directed at anyone in particular: Before you judge that mom who has the screaming kid they seem to be 'ignoring', you never know the situation. That child might have sensory issues or a special need, that mom might not be able to shop any other time she just needs a few things and she needs to get it done. You do what you have to sometimes. It isn't always bad parenting.
Vincent Julian born on March 27th, 2013 DX with Down Syndrome
Starting a thread about what your parenting goals or what you hope you can do is one thing. Saying I totally judge parents when I see them do xyz is ridiculous. You might have seen those same people 6 other times and never noticed but you are judging the one time you say them flip out or eat something that isn't 100% healthy. This is what gets mom's that have kids angry because you CANNOT judge anyone on one thing you see. Your SIL who never has consequences for her kids ok, side eye. But the person you see having her kid have a meltdown in public. Likely she just wants to finish getting her toilet paper and diapers with an upset kid vs trying to do it all again later or the next day. The kid happily eating something they are enjoying, how do you know they don't eat healthy the rest of the time or the parents need to discuss something and need 10 minutes of quite time. There is nothing wrong with wanting goals with kids, I think everyone has them but once you become a parent you know not everyday is going to go as planned and not everything you want for your kids will happen. It's a nice thought but it's not life. You can't judge parents for doing what works in that moment and ALL parents at one point or another will do something that others side eye
Edit: I think all parents and parents to be want to teach their kids compassion, to do right vs wrong, to listen, to make healthy choices etc. But we are raising humans not robots and it's ok to pick your battles.
My big "I will never" is that I will never let my son think I don't love him. Yes, we will fight about all of the above issues and I have my share of "I HOPE I never's," but as long as he knows I love him 100% of the time... at the end of the day that's all I really care about.
Alright STM (+) FESS UP! How many have used a leash/harness with your kids??
We have not but DD is only about to be 2.
We haven't but we've talked about how great it would be if we did! Lmao, we have a runner and my waddle is much slower than it once was! He is also going to be 2 soon
Having a desire to raise (or try to raise) children a certain way, doesn't mean you're judging another mom either. I really want to breastfeed my baby, but it might not work. I'm also cloth diapering our baby once she is big enough to fit her diapers-but I'm still using disposables while we are out in town. It's just what I think is best for MY family.
When you have any ideal, or goal, you go into it realizing it might not work but you still give it a shot anyway. I think that's all this thread is about. We all see plenty of things whether they are child related or not that we don't agree with or dislike and that's okay.
On the flip side, when I worked as a cashier I actually didnt mind having upset or crying babes come through my lane. I was always really impressed how the moms (or dads!) handled it. I hope I can be half as put together as that!
@TheSouffleGirl : thank you for sharing that! God has helped me as a Christian to consider that I don't know the whole story when someone of any age acts in an unexpected or "socially unacceptable" manner. Plus I know that when I have hard days I don't always act the way I want to (snap when tired, etc.) I didn't always think in a way that compassion comes to mind quickly, though. This article was a great way to learn that I need to extend that same thinking to parents as I see them interact with their children.
As a FTM I really don't know what being a parent will be like. I'm not even sure exactly how I want to parent. There are so many decisions there are to be made, and right now I only see the tip of the iceberg. I'm grateful for friends who have been pretty transparent about their process and why they make the decisions they do.
Definitely I have goals about what things to do (achieve balanced eating most of the time, go to bed at a good time, etc.) and what things to avoid (soda, extended tantrums, etc.). But I'm also learning that as I guide and teach my child, they will go through times where they resist what I am trying to instill in them. Likewise, i will go through periods of time trying to find a strategy to overcome that resistance, and my parenting may not look pretty during those phases! Ultimately I cannot control them, but I can create boundaries and teach them.
Alright STM (+) FESS UP! How many have used a leash/harness with your kids??
We have not but DD is only about to be 2.
HELL.NO! Wait, I said I wouldn't say that due to put-foot-in-my-mouth-syndrome, lol! DD is 2.5yo and we haven't and probably won't need to use one but I totally don't judge any parent that does. You never know what the circumstances are that they chose to use one - I had a friend that lost her child once in a crowded fair ground and just about lost her mind (the experience still stayed with her), so in crowded spaces, she harnesses her child...I don't see anything wrong with it if it keeps your child safe and gives you peace of mind.
There are a so many things I'd like to say I will NEVER do as a parent or never let my child do, BUT I am completely realistic in the fact that we really don't know what we will or will not do until our child is here and we are in those situations. I just hope to be the best parent I can be and know what kind of child I want to raise. That's all that matters.
just a note not directed at anyone in particular: Before you judge that mom who has the screaming kid they seem to be 'ignoring', you never know the situation. That child might have sensory issues or a special need, that mom might not be able to shop any other time she just needs a few things and she needs to get it done. You do what you have to sometimes. It isn't always bad parenting.
You're right. You never know the situation, but like I said – my stepdaughter has special needs. She is dual-diagnosis autism/down syndrome and is for the most part non-verbal. The spectrum is HUGE and I am fully aware that each child is an individual. We (and her mother) have been in every kind of situation where she has acted out – the
supermarket, in Target, in restaurants, in line to see Santa, you name it. She is always removed from the situation and never ignored and left to scream. There is nothing that anyone needs so badly that they should allow their child to continuously scream, cry, hyperventilate, etc, and ignore them – especially if they have special needs.
I'm sure I'll get another snotty "don't judge" response from the mom police on this one, so have at it. Judgement is not the crux of the matter.
As I said, I get what you were saying, was more a general note more than anything, not directed at you so much. My son has down syndrome also, removing him makes him just act out worse the next time because he does so when he wants to leave. So I try to extend his tolerance each time like his therapists have suggested. Either way, sorry if you thought I was aiming at you. I just know lots of people judge these episodes and it can help to say that to make them think past they cant control their child. I am glad you found something that worked for her though.
Vincent Julian born on March 27th, 2013 DX with Down Syndrome
So for those of you in the "I will never let my kid fuss in public" group, what do you do when your kid is smart enough to figure out that if they make a scene you will leave the place they didn't want to be in the first place? Do you let them have their way and teach them that they can get what they want by behaving badly or do you suck it up and teach them you don't always get what you want?
Also those of you claiming victory because you have one kid who does not engage in a bad behavior, be very careful. That second child might make you eat crow. Also unless you have raised your child to adulthood you haven't won the battle. Each new age has come with new challenges.
I once was in a Chilis and watched as a 3 year old stood in her chair and licked the Chilis window for about 5 minutes while the mom and grandma at the table did nothing. So my goal is to not let my kid lick windows at Chilis...at least not more than once.
My kids have had plenty of melt downs in public and saying you wont "allow" your kid(s) to have one is funny to me.
I'm the mom you'd probably side eye and I'd side eye you right back and probably smile/laugh at you too. LOL
Why, well, because I'm not ignoring him I know perfectly well what he's doing but I've got stuff to do and if he's decided he's going to have a random moment where he looses his mind it will probably be right that second because that's what kids do. No kid that I have ever known including my two boys have convenient or selective meltdowns and it's rarely at home. Now that's not to say that if I DON'T have to be there at that one moment I'd for sure leave and come back later, but that's rare. Usually my trips around the cities are intentional and planned so I couldn't just leave to make you (general you) comfortable.
My boys are older and rarely have meltdowns any more but I'm not for one second going to think our new little guy isn't going to loose his mind. Each kid is different and have their own personalities and just like us have bad days. Just because little Billy is having a meltdown in public doesn't mean he's not being respectful or isn't usually respectful, just means he's probably having a bad day or something else is going on. Usually kids in public having meltdowns aren't directed at any one person and certainly not the judgy side eye mom. Just like if you or I are having a bad day and are rude to someone in public, intentional or not. Sure as adults we wont throw a screaming fit but I've seen plenty of adults having bad days (myself included) and throw an adult "tantrum" in public. It doesn't excuse the behavior but that would be a time to offer just a tiny bit of compassion instead of a snap judgement of what you think their parenting style is based on that one tiny 30 second window into their life.
You can't tell me you honestly sit there and listen to someone else's kid from across the store/ restaurant etc...scream and cry and not side eye the situation. The one that is trying to calm her child and taking control of the situation, kudos to you no eyeball here. Now would I leave the store and let my kid win for this behavior? Hell no! Off to the bathroom or car for a quick chat on how to behave correctly then back to business. Just because it's a kid and they have these meltdowns doesn't mean it's acceptable. ( for me ) everyone side eyes different things, chicken nuggets, Mac and cheese, fries etc... For me, meltdowns in public. In my last post I didn't not call anyone a bad parent and that's not my intent still. We are talking about things we won't do with our kids and this is mine. Laugh at me or be offended, judge me, or say I'm silly for thinking this is possible.
I once was in a Chilis and watched as a 3 year old stood in her chair and licked the Chilis window for about 5 minutes while the mom and grandma at the table did nothing. So my goal is to not let my kid lick windows at Chilis...at least not more than once.
This is a good goal. I'm officially adding it to my list!
Leashes are great for LOs that start walking early. DS was running by 1 year old but he was too little to understand that he needed to stay by mommy. The harness gave him the freedom to practice his new mobility while also keeping him safely by me when we were in crowds. I've used it during festivals and parades mostly. Also, for those who say to just hold his hand, DS has always loved to pull dead weight the second he no longer wants to hold your hands. I figure a cute little backpack is less judgement worthy than dragging a limp 2 year old around town by his arm.
@on_the_move I've been shocked by just how different my two boys are even at this early stage. DS1 was a bundle of energy from day 1, he never wanted to miss anything and was always so desperate to be a big boy. DS2 is so relaxed and laid back, he's totally content to just hang out in his chair. Parenting goals are great to have, we certainly have our share but its important to remember that every child is unique and you may have to tailor those goals to fit that particular child.
My mom has always said the "Just You Wait" with anyone who's commented on her style of raising us.... We came out totally fine and ate SUGAR and chicken nuggets and watched TV...
No one is saying it's not ok for their kid, or any kid, to fuss in public. Come on, I think we are realistic enough to know this is going to happen. It's about the parent(s) not making any attempts to remedy it and allowing it to escalate to it a point where it's a genuine bother to others in a public place. I don't mean 30 seconds, I mean 30 minutes. And no, I'm not going to let my kid "win" by leaving, but I'm not going to allow him or her to think it's okay to behave like that in public, either. We will go outside or in the bathroom and they'll be spoken to and/or given consequences if they repeat their behavior, and then we'll go back.
Be careful with the picky eating. My niece has a sensory disorder and the different textures make her feel like she is literally in pain. For the most part I agree but make sure you know that it's not a sensory disorder and just picky eating before you force them to try it.
Honestly no I won't and don't judge, because I've been there. The only thing your judgy side eye does is make her feel worse than her kid is already making her feel and if that's your goal, cool? I don't know but I guess I just don't let that stuff bother me as much because I've been there and I completely understand, get her and feel for her. I choose to come from a place of compassion and tolerance instead and that's how *I* choose to handle that type of situation. You are free to handle it how you choose as well. I'm simply just offering my perspective as someone who's been "that mom" and it sucks.
Now I will agree that an extended meltdown isn't ideal either, for anyone, but I still won't find a reason to judge the kid or the mom for it.
The only things I can for sure say I will never allow to happen are these: 1.) She will not be rude. She will have manners. She will say please and thank you. She will hold doors open and not let them slam in people's faces. She won't be a bully who picks on or looks down upon another person just because they are different. 2.) Along the same lines she will be respectful. She won't talk back. She will show politeness to her elders. If someone is talking to her she won't talk over them. 3.) She will not be an entitled brat. She will learn she won't get handed things just because we can afford it. She'll have chores and responsibilities to earn things that she wants. Not saying we'll never buy her anything without her earning it, because I know we occasionally will. But it won't be every time we make a trip to the store. And I by no means judge any parents who do buy things for their kids. That is their decision, I was taught at a young age that you have to work for what you want and I intend to instill that same work ethic in my children. 4.) She will know how to respect animals. She will not hit/pull on/bite or try to harm an animal. For one that's why dog attacks happen and two its just wrong.
I try not to judge parents because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But when I see kids disrespecting their elders, bullying another kid, or being cruel to an animal and their parents just watch it's hard for me not to at least side eye them and wonder why on earth they won't stop them.
I think you can tell, if you watch the parent(s) closely enough for a minute which parents are letting their kids get away with tantrums, wreaking havoc in stores, Etc, and which ones are actually trying to calm the child or are "ignoring" the behavior so as not to reward it.
I did say I'd never "let" my kid have a public meltdown, till I was that mom in Target whose kid was flailing on the floor and screaming because I said he needs to ride in the cart (because he kept running off). I've been that mom in the restaurant who had to take the restless kid outside because he wouldn't sit still, and sometimes it's a situation where leaving isn't really the best option.
But I've also been the retail worker who side-eyed the moms who were so engrossed in their mom-gossip that they didn't notice their hellions running around Old Navy, blasting the recorders (and God only knows how many other kids slobbered on those things!), and tearing up the store . . . Even two years into my journey of motherhood, I still say I won't be THAT mom.
I think not letting my kid give the Old Navy cashier a migraine is an honorable goal.
I was "that mom" on an airplane once. We were descending and he wouldn't eat, drink, anything and he screamed for 30 minutes straight. I tried everything but nothing worked. He was a lap child and about 17 months old at the time. He was literally sitting on me, standing on me, standing in front of me, cradled in my arms, etc. I heard the things people were rudely saying behind me about "that child won't behave" and "why doesn't she make him shut up" over and over again and then this amazing person loudly responded to all of them "haven't you ever had an earache? He doesn't know how to express himself and she is trying. Leave her alone." I walked off that plane on the verge of tears and this elderly man grabbed my arm and told me how amazing of a mom I was for never raising my voice at him and trying so hard despite what people were saying.
That's a lot to say just to show that sometimes there are things we can't control. I've dealt with public meltdowns. I refuse to leave the store because my child chose that moment to meltdown. I will address it but sometimes you just have to go about what you have to do while they calm themselves. I don't hang around a store with a child melting down just because I want to. I may be getting something very important and that's the only free time I have. It happens. In restaurants I will remove them and address the situation but I also always go to restaurants that are family and if people can't understand that children have their moments then those are the people that need side eyed, not the parents trying to handle their children. Sometimes handling them may seem like ignoring them but you may have missed the parents addressing it and the child could be coming down from the meltdown and you don't realize it.
As the mom who got judged today, I can honestly say just wait until it's you getting judged for the child having a meltdown. I take my son for a special treat/date on Fridays when I get home from work. Today we went to a cupcake shop and he got upset when his hands got sticky(some days he's OCD about clean hands and I never know what day that will be.) I tried to pack our stuff up quickly because I knew that he needed a change of scenery/activity but he got more upset that I packaged up the rest of his cupcake. As I'm flustered and packing everything up I hear one of the women next to me say to the other if she can't control that one what is she going to do when the other one comes along. I was doing everything I could to control the situation and I was just trying to have a little bit of fun time with my son and instead I ended up in tears in my car feeling like crap. So go ahead and judge the other moms all you want but I guarantee you when it's you in that situation and you're getting judged you'll change your mind quickly.
@AmyB421 So sorry you had to deal with that today! I'm sure it was frustrating enough trying to calm your child, let alone hear women talking about you! As a FTM, I'm sure I've judged people out in public, but I also know that I don't know the situation. And I know that we will all be there at some point. Not looking forward to those days though.
You can't tell me you honestly sit there and listen to someone else's kid from across the store/ restaurant etc...scream and cry and not side eye the situation. The one that is trying to calm her child and taking control of the situation, kudos to you no eyeball here. Now would I leave the store and let my kid win for this behavior? Hell no! Off to the bathroom or car for a quick chat on how to behave correctly then back to business. Just because it's a kid and they have these meltdowns doesn't mean it's acceptable. ( for me ) everyone side eyes different things, chicken nuggets, Mac and cheese, fries etc... For me, meltdowns in public. In my last post I didn't not call anyone a bad parent and that's not my intent still. We are talking about things we won't do with our kids and this is mine. Laugh at me or be offended, judge me, or say I'm silly for thinking this is possible.
Unless the meltdown is over the child wanting to get out of the cart, as is often the case with my 2.5 yr old. Since I don't know of a store that lets me take a cart load of unpurchased merchandise to the bathroom or my car, the only option is to let her win, abandon cart and go home having accomplished nothing, OR try to talk her down as best I can, then ignore the behavior, and finish my shopping as quickly as possible to get the hell outta there. You'll learn...
I was "that mom" on an airplane once. We were descending and he wouldn't eat, drink, anything and he screamed for 30 minutes straight. I tried everything but nothing worked. He was a lap child and about 17 months old at the time. He was literally sitting on me, standing on me, standing in front of me, cradled in my arms, etc. I heard the things people were rudely saying behind me about "that child won't behave" and "why doesn't she make him shut up" over and over again and then this amazing person loudly responded to all of them "haven't you ever had an earache? He doesn't know how to express himself and she is trying. Leave her alone." I walked off that plane on the verge of tears and this elderly man grabbed my arm and told me how amazing of a mom I was for never raising my voice at him and trying so hard despite what people were saying.
That's a lot to say just to show that sometimes there are things we can't control. I've dealt with public meltdowns. I refuse to leave the store because my child chose that moment to meltdown. I will address it but sometimes you just have to go about what you have to do while they calm themselves. I don't hang around a store with a child melting down just because I want to. I may be getting something very important and that's the only free time I have. It happens. In restaurants I will remove them and address the situation but I also always go to restaurants that are family and if people can't understand that children have their moments then those are the people that need side eyed, not the parents trying to handle their children. Sometimes handling them may seem like ignoring them but you may have missed the parents addressing it and the child could be coming down from the meltdown and you don't realize it.
This is why I say watch the parents to see their reaction. If I can see you're trying to calm your child down, you don't deserve judgement.
I will never use my child as slave labor. My mom was terrible about not doing stuff around our house and all of the responsibility falling in me. This started in about fifth grade. I could do all the laundry, clean the house, and have dinner made before she got home from work. It continued until I got married when I was 23. I understand needing chores but it is my house not my kids. He won't be held responsible for every little thing.
And I will never talk bad about my husband in front of my child. My parents constantly bashed each other in front of me. It made me pick sides at times and question why my own parents were together. I want my child to know how much I love his dad and that his dad and respect him as I do.
I have two boys 12 &7. My children have always been polar opposites on pretty much everything! One threw tantrums all the time as a toddler the other one never did, one is an amazing eater the other is super picky, one is athletic the other is artistic, one slept alone from a very early age the other still sleeps with me (judge away!) and these boys were raised in the same home with the same parents. I'm having my first daughter and I have no clue how she will be but what I've learned over the years as a parent is that you do what works for your happiness, your sanity and the happiness of your children. Some things I've remained strict about like soda and manners other things I've definitely wavered on over the years like the food struggle or nap schedules but every day as a mom I get up and try my very best and that's all I can do. I know sometimes it's hard not to judge, and there are definitely parenting styles that are not for me but I try to focus on me and my kids and remind myself this parenting thing is no joke! I hope that when I am having a really hard day juggling it all that there are other moms out there rooting for me.
It seems like parents sometimes get a little puffed up about how their child doesn't do this or that. Making those who are struggling feel like a failure. Sometimes it is the parenting but sometimes its just a challenging child (or challenging phase) that anyone would struggle with! And I'm sure they have other challenges. No one has it perfect! When we see people in public, we don't know what their situation is or if it's a one time thing. And we may one day find ourselves in a situation where we let something go occasionally to pick our battles - just to get through! And I think that's okay! I think it's good to have general ideas on what we want to do (especially if they set a good foundation) but to have a flexible approach and expect a learning curve!
I completely agree with not talking negatively about the other parent in front of your child.
I prefer that my children never know if we're struggling financially. My best friend in school was always worried about money because hee mom would vent to her about how broke they were and how it'd be a miracle if they made rent and groceries. It's just not something I want my children to worry about.
ETA: basically, I don't talk money in front of the kids
Re: I won't do that with my kids...
Now DS uses his backpack as a diaper bag - I keep a couple diapers, wipes, a sippy cup and maybe a snack and/or small toy in there. He loves his "pack-pack" and I love knowing that I can grab onto it and keep him from running into traffic. We rarely use the stroller anymore because DS prefers to walk unless it's a great distance.
This thread was not made to judge other mothers and families about how they raise their children. Every mother; as a new mom or one of many children, have their own ways of raising children and I believe that everyone of us at some point have surely seen something where you thought in your head, " I'm not going to raise my child like that!" It's not necessarily saying that the other mother was doing it wrong, it's just maybe not the way you were raised or plan on raising your child. It's also not saying that we FTMs won't give in to the things we said we'd never do. (I'm sure we have much to learn over the next several years!)
Mostly I posted this post to see what those things were for other moms. Meant to just be for fun, not to bash or judge other moms. We all have different views on raising children and sometimes people can learn things to try or not try when it comes down to raising your own by watching other people. Sorry if anyone feels offended by this thread. Like I said, I just thought it'd be fun to hear what others have seen that made them think about how they will or won't raise their kids.
And like a few of you have mentioned it would be fun to glance back in a few years at what we all said and say "boy, was I naive back then!!"
When you have any ideal, or goal, you go into it realizing it might not work but you still give it a shot anyway. I think that's all this thread is about. We all see plenty of things whether they are child related or not that we don't agree with or dislike and that's okay.
On the flip side, when I worked as a cashier I actually didnt mind having upset or crying babes come through my lane. I was always really impressed how the moms (or dads!) handled it. I hope I can be half as put together as that!
As a FTM I really don't know what being a parent will be like. I'm not even sure exactly how I want to parent. There are so many decisions there are to be made, and right now I only see the tip of the iceberg. I'm grateful for friends who have been pretty transparent about their process and why they make the decisions they do.
Definitely I have goals about what things to do (achieve balanced eating most of the time, go to bed at a good time, etc.) and what things to avoid (soda, extended tantrums, etc.). But I'm also learning that as I guide and teach my child, they will go through times where they resist what I am trying to instill in them. Likewise, i will go through periods of time trying to find a strategy to overcome that resistance, and my parenting may not look pretty during those phases! Ultimately I cannot control them, but I can create boundaries and teach them.
HELL.NO! Wait, I said I wouldn't say that due to put-foot-in-my-mouth-syndrome, lol! DD is 2.5yo and we haven't and probably won't need to use one but I totally don't judge any parent that does. You never know what the circumstances are that they chose to use one - I had a friend that lost her child once in a crowded fair ground and just about lost her mind (the experience still stayed with her), so in crowded spaces, she harnesses her child...I don't see anything wrong with it if it keeps your child safe and gives you peace of mind.
I'm sure I'll get another snotty "don't judge" response from the mom police on this one, so have at it. Judgement is not the crux of the matter.
So for those of you in the "I will never let my kid fuss in public" group, what do you do when your kid is smart enough to figure out that if they make a scene you will leave the place they didn't want to be in the first place? Do you let them have their way and teach them that they can get what they want by behaving badly or do you suck it up and teach them you don't always get what you want?
Also those of you claiming victory because you have one kid who does not engage in a bad behavior, be very careful. That second child might make you eat crow. Also unless you have raised your child to adulthood you haven't won the battle. Each new age has come with new challenges.
Rachel and Jeff Married 5.29.05
Jason is 8
Elizabeth is 6
Katherine is 18 months
Wife of 14 years to one amazing Hubby
This is a good goal. I'm officially adding it to my list!
Wife of 14 years to one amazing Hubby
1.) She will not be rude. She will have manners. She will say please and thank you. She will hold doors open and not let them slam in people's faces. She won't be a bully who picks on or looks down upon another person just because they are different.
2.) Along the same lines she will be respectful. She won't talk back. She will show politeness to her elders. If someone is talking to her she won't talk over them.
3.) She will not be an entitled brat. She will learn she won't get handed things just because we can afford it. She'll have chores and responsibilities to earn things that she wants. Not saying we'll never buy her anything without her earning it, because I know we occasionally will. But it won't be every time we make a trip to the store.
And I by no means judge any parents who do buy things for their kids. That is their decision, I was taught at a young age that you have to work for what you want and I intend to instill that same work ethic in my children.
4.) She will know how to respect animals. She will not hit/pull on/bite or try to harm an animal. For one that's why dog attacks happen and two its just wrong.
I try not to judge parents because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But when I see kids disrespecting their elders, bullying another kid, or being cruel to an animal and their parents just watch it's hard for me not to at least side eye them and wonder why on earth they won't stop them.
I did say I'd never "let" my kid have a public meltdown, till I was that mom in Target whose kid was flailing on the floor and screaming because I said he needs to ride in the cart (because he kept running off). I've been that mom in the restaurant who had to take the restless kid outside because he wouldn't sit still, and sometimes it's a situation where leaving isn't really the best option.
But I've also been the retail worker who side-eyed the moms who were so engrossed in their mom-gossip that they didn't notice their hellions running around Old Navy, blasting the recorders (and God only knows how many other kids slobbered on those things!), and tearing up the store . . . Even two years into my journey of motherhood, I still say I won't be THAT mom.
I think not letting my kid give the Old Navy cashier a migraine is an honorable goal.
That's a lot to say just to show that sometimes there are things we can't control. I've dealt with public meltdowns. I refuse to leave the store because my child chose that moment to meltdown. I will address it but sometimes you just have to go about what you have to do while they calm themselves. I don't hang around a store with a child melting down just because I want to. I may be getting something very important and that's the only free time I have. It happens. In restaurants I will remove them and address the situation but I also always go to restaurants that are family and if people can't understand that children have their moments then those are the people that need side eyed, not the parents trying to handle their children. Sometimes handling them may seem like ignoring them but you may have missed the parents addressing it and the child could be coming down from the meltdown and you don't realize it.
This is why I say watch the parents to see their reaction. If I can see you're trying to calm your child down, you don't deserve judgement.
And I will never talk bad about my husband in front of my child. My parents constantly bashed each other in front of me. It made me pick sides at times and question why my own parents were together. I want my child to know how much I love his dad and that his dad and respect him as I do.
When we see people in public, we don't know what their situation is or if it's a one time thing. And we may one day find ourselves in a situation where we let something go occasionally to pick our battles - just to get through! And I think that's okay!
I think it's good to have general ideas on what we want to do (especially if they set a good foundation) but to have a flexible approach and expect a learning curve!
I prefer that my children never know if we're struggling financially. My best friend in school was always worried about money because hee mom would vent to her about how broke they were and how it'd be a miracle if they made rent and groceries. It's just not something I want my children to worry about.
ETA: basically, I don't talk money in front of the kids