I could tell this thread was going to be a firecracker from
the very first post – nothing sets off a firestorm quite like
a game of “I would never”! I just wanted to share my two cents. For most
people, it really just isn’t your job to judge other people’s parenting. But
for me, it is sometimes. You see, I’m an attorney and my job is to represent
children in abuse and neglect cases.
With older kids, I tell the judge what my client wants me to, but for
younger ones, my job is to assess the situation and determine whether to
advocate that the parent fell below the “minimum standard of parenting” or not.
Becoming a parent myself made this part of my job so much harder. I always think back to this one case I had before I
had children. It involved a skull fracture of an infant. The mother’s
explanation was that the infant had been in a highchair when a 3 year old
sibling pulled the high chair over. As a young attorney, I assessed the
situation and told myself that this mother had not been supervising properly
and that “I would never allow that to
happen.” Fast forward about 4 years to when I had my own infant and 2 year old and I heard
the sound of my own baby’s head hitting the hardwood floor from the other room. I
was in the other room because I was getting a snack for the toddler/going to
the bathroom/cleaning a spill/I don’t remember and it doesn’t matter. I ran in
to find that my older child had pulled the baby halfway out of the baby swing.
Not only had I not been “supervising” them at that moment, I had only strapped
the baby in 3 of the 5 points of the harness. Epic parenting fail. Luckily, my
child did not suffer a skull fracture - she was shaken, but fine. But that day,
I broke down sobbing for that other mother who I had judged so harshly. It is sometimes
easy to look at someone else and say “I would never” do that, but for me it is
no fun. It’s no fun because it forces me to shine a mirror on those parts of
myself that I’d rather not see. Parenting is really, really hard.
@kassyfry and @tate62610 both bring up some good points, and things I'm already trying to avoid and will continue . . .
While my parents never used my sisters and I as "slave labor," per se, I think they were a little too rigid on enforcing whose night it was to cook dinner or do the dishes, so if I had too much homework, I lost sleep instead of my mom or dad taking over dish duty. I want my kids to actively participate in caring for the house, but it's still my job. I love that my 2 year old likes to help dust and wash the balcony door, and I let him put the pod in the washing machine and press the start button. He also likes to "help" cook. I hope this means he'll grow into a young man who can keep up his own house, wash his own clothes, and cook something other than ramen.
I also agree with not talking about financial worries in front of my kids. I don't want my young kids to be worrying about that stuff.
And also fighting in front of the kids/trash-talking the other parent. My parents were the worst about this and I honestly think it scarred me for life. I really want to avoid losing my temper at all, but especially in front of my kids. It's good for them to know that mom and dad don't get along perfectly, but what I want them to see is us resolving our differences, not us fighting. And even when a relationship dissolves, kids shouldn't feel forced to take sides.
Oh man, I was in line at a gas station yesterday and there was a mom and a maybe 5 year old boy in front of me. He had two bags of candy in his hand and his mom said "no we are only getting one" which in response, he says "no I AM getting both". So he puts both on the counter, mom puts one back, he glares at her and puts it back on the counter and she pays for both and he gets both. I'm all for not saying "I'll never be that parent" but I'll be damned if I have a 5 year old bossing me around. I was raised in fear of a belt lol. I swear my blood is still boiling thinking about it lol.
The lack of class some people have just amazes me! I'm a FTM, but I have never/would never dare say anything to a mother with a child throwing a fit in public. You don't know the situation & the struggles that child might be facing. Makes me sad to hear so many women have gone through some classless people trashing them for doing they best they can with the present situation.
With that being said, I don't have a "I would never" but I do hope that I can show my child grace & kindness, to have tolerance for others & to shine God's light in the world.
If I was the mother at the gas station I feel like I would do the same thing in that situation with the five year old just to try to avoid a huge tantrum. And just to get out of there... Then we would go on with our day and my child would not get any of either bag of candy! And maybe that's exactly what she did!
I only have one "I will never." My husbands boss has a 5 year old daughter....and she still gets a full fledged bottle!!! Sometimes with milk and sometimes with pop!!!!!!!!! She takes her bottle with her and drinks it on the way to school. I just cannot wrap my head around this!
I only have one "I will never." My husbands boss has a 5 year old daughter....and she still gets a full fledged bottle!!! Sometimes with milk and sometimes with pop!!!!!!!!! She takes her bottle with her and drinks it on the way to school. I just cannot wrap my head around this!
o_0 !!!! No way! A baby bottle full of soda? You just melted my brain... :-O
If I was the mother at the gas station I feel like I would do the same thing in that situation with the five year old just to try to avoid a huge tantrum. And just to get out of there... Then we would go on with our day and my child would not get any of either bag of candy! And maybe that's exactly what she did!
I dunno, I hope so. She also yelled at him to stop touching something and tried to pull him away and he slapped her arm away, like hard enough for me to hear it, then told her to shut up. I think 5 is too old for that to be acceptable. I'm not sure if it was an avoid a tantrum situation, or I let him do what he wants situation. Either way I wouldn't say anything ever. I don't get people who jump down moms throats for not doing anything to discipline their kid in public. Sure, I might side eye you from a distance, but If you want your kid to grow up and beat the shit out of you and have to be bailed out of jail once a week because they were never taught to respect authority, that's your problem not mine lol.
An honest question for STM+ : what DO you do when your kid has a meltdown in a store?
There certainly have been arguments here from people saying that it's inappropriate to let them cry it out and ignore the tantrum, but (and forgive me if I missed anything) I didn't hear anyone who made them say what they have actually already done in the past with their kids, but I'm sure those moms are out there. The answers I read just sounded more general or hypothetical (I will/mom's should bring them to the car/bathroom or leave the store).
I ask because my guess is psychologically that removing a crying kid from the store is just going to teach them that when they're bored of something they should throw a tantrum to get out of it. I kind of thought that ignoring the child's tantrum was the best way to get them to stop having tantrums since they'd eventually learn that it won't get them their way (particularly if they get little rewards occasionally on days they don't act up in the store). But if there are better ways to get that message across without having to wait out a screaming toddler while getting side-eyed, I'd love to know about them.
An honest question for STM+ : what DO you do when your kid has a meltdown in a store?
There certainly have been arguments here from people saying that it's inappropriate to let them cry it out and ignore the tantrum, but (and forgive me if I missed anything) I didn't hear anyone who made them say what they have actually already done in the past with their kids, but I'm sure those moms are out there. The answers I read just sounded more general or hypothetical (I will/mom's should bring them to the car/bathroom or leave the store).
I ask because my guess is psychologically that removing a crying kid from the store is just going to teach them that when they're bored of something they should throw a tantrum to get out of it. I kind of thought that ignoring the child's tantrum was the best way to get them to stop having tantrums since they'd eventually learn that it won't get them their way (particularly if they get little rewards occasionally on days they don't act up in the store). But if there are better ways to get that message across without having to wait out a screaming toddler while getting side-eyed, I'd love to know about them.
I address it situation as it comes up. Typically I would address it immediately and tell them the behavior is unacceptable. Sometimes they would continue to throw a tantrum. If the tantrum continues and making a trip to the bathroom to deal with it in private without leaving is a possibility I'd do that. Sometimes after addressing what is wrong behavior and trying to tell them what was correct behavior they continue and I've had to go about what I needed to do and ignored them. I would address it every few minutes but sometimes it's just not realistic to completely stop what you're doing. I try hard to reward good behavior in public. Sometimes it's a lollipop or something sweet, sometimes an activity they want to do, it varies time to time. I have never and plan to try to never leave a place just because of a tantrum
@violetigerlily, how I deal with a tantrum depends on the situation as well as the extent of the tantrum. My kid is two now, and sometimes he gets fussy in a store because he's tired or hungry and wants to go home, in which case I try to soothe him and finish up quickly buying groceries or whatever. If he's throwing a tantrum about being in the cart when he'd rather be walking, I tell him to stop behaving that way and then proceed to ignore him. If I've promised a treat during the outing, such as some juice or a snack, he'll have a chance to correct his behavior, and then if he doesn't, no treat.
If it's an optional/fun outing, the first outburst gets a warning and then we leave. For example, if we're at Chick-fil-A and DS needs a diaper change, he'll fuss about having to leave the play place. If he fusses a little then cooperates, he gets to go back and play some more, but if he throws himself on the ground and starts screaming, we leave (as soon as I'm done changing his diaper).
I believe two year olds need to be given a little grace when it comes to behavior, because they're still learning what's ok and what's not. But I also refuse to let my kid get his way by throwing a tantrum. Still, he's trying to communicate something to me when he gets upset and still has limited language to do so, so I have to figure out how best to respond.
All that being said, my son is usually pretty well-behaved in public, and doesn't throw the kind of tantrums while we're out somewhere that I know he's capable of. His worst behavior is usually in response to having to leave when he's having fun or having his fun interrupted for a diaper change. If he threw the kind of screaming fits in public that I've seen him throw at home, I would probably drop everything and leave - not so he'd get his way, but so I could calm him down.
I will never be the mom who doesn't allow their kid to go anywhere. My niece didn't leave the house for the first 6 months of her life (besides my dad's funeral). She's not immunocompromised and doesn't have special needs. There was no reason for her to be stuck in the house. Thank goodness that's changed.
I'll never be the mom who doesn't supervise her kids. My neighbor will let her son play outside without an adult. He's 3. Not okay. (She also lets her dog out in the front yard, which has no fence, and doesn't put a collar on him. Of course he doesn't stay in the yard. I judge her every time for that. Not safe.)
As for the picky eater thing, it happens. I'm a VERY picky eater as an adult. My parents tried hard to get me to eat everything, but it didn't happen. I refused to eat meat for a few years as a kid, but I'd eat eggplant or mushrooms instead. As an adult, I like things like most veggies, fish, meat, and fruit, but I refuse to eat pasta, casseroles, and have a couple of odd food allergies (grapes, apricots, dairy).
My oldest has always been my even tempered one that kind of really just went with the flow it wasn't until he started having opinions that things started to tank. LOL The most memorable public meltdown he had was when he was 7 and was going through this "I wont eat what is placed in front of me" stage, we never made any allowances for him he ate what we offered or he didn't eat. Usually it was dinner. We were at DH's company picnic and he lost his mind over the lunch that was offered so we had to leave. Prior to that he'd had his full face painted like a tiger...let me tell you HOW HARD it is to discipline a child with a straight face who looks like a tiger. LOL
My now 6.5 year old is the one that gave me a run for my money, he was a runner, a climber, a screamer...every worst case scenario you can think of. He had a strong willed little mind of his own and logic otherwise was lost on him like most toddlers. When he set his mind to something it was that or the epic meltdown, no matter what it was. lol We didn't go many places between his 2-4 years unless we had to and DH and I had to tag team a LOT to get stuff done and it was a pretty miserable time for our family. DH travels for work so my options to just leave him at home or with some one else were limited and we/I had to muddle through the best we/I could. There were many a grocery shopping trip I sat in my car and cried afterwards. We tried everything, redirecting, treats, games, fun stuff but he would just loose his mind over the most random stuff and NOTHING would console him.
It took us a while to get out of that 7th circle of tantrum/public meltdown Hell, but we did and they are the two most well behaved, respectful boys you'd ever meet. They still have their moments of course but its very rare.
To say that I'm not just a little terrified of how this new little guys temperament will be is an understatement but I feel like going through what we did with our send has seasoned me a little more, given me a little more experience and a LOT thicker skin to judgements.
I only have one "I will never." My husbands boss has a 5 year old daughter....and she still gets a full fledged bottle!!! Sometimes with milk and sometimes with pop!!!!!!!!! She takes her bottle with her and drinks it on the way to school. I just cannot wrap my head around this!
o_0 !!!! No way! A baby bottle full of soda? You just melted my brain... :-O
I think her parents brains are melted! Soda in a sippy cup is bad enough....but a bottle...with a nipple.....
An honest question for STM+ : what DO you do when your kid has a meltdown in a store?
There certainly have been arguments here from people saying that it's inappropriate to let them cry it out and ignore the tantrum, but (and forgive me if I missed anything) I didn't hear anyone who made them say what they have actually already done in the past with their kids, but I'm sure those moms are out there. The answers I read just sounded more general or hypothetical (I will/mom's should bring them to the car/bathroom or leave the store).
I ask because my guess is psychologically that removing a crying kid from the store is just going to teach them that when they're bored of something they should throw a tantrum to get out of it. I kind of thought that ignoring the child's tantrum was the best way to get them to stop having tantrums since they'd eventually learn that it won't get them their way (particularly if they get little rewards occasionally on days they don't act up in the store). But if there are better ways to get that message across without having to wait out a screaming toddler while getting side-eyed, I'd love to know about them.
The few times my DD has misbehaved in a store, I've stopped what I was doing, sat her in the cart (she usually walks now), lowered my voice, looked her in the eye, and told her that her behavior was completely unacceptable, and no amount of pouting or whining was going to get her way, that I would finish my shopping regardless. We also spank, so that's always a possibility if she misbehaves badly enough, which she knows. But usually, just a calm, cool, low voice is enough.
1) No sodas or Kool Aid, and Gatorade only if she's sick/dehydrated. I don't drink those anyway, so hopefully it won't be a problem. 2) Mature games for a child. She'll be growing up around gaming, so it's inevitable that she'll start playing something early on, but time and content will be moderated heavily. The only thing I find myself getting infuriated over with parent choices is letting kids play adult games. 3) Tablets or phones in church. We don't even take ours when we go, but I always see a few kids sitting in church playing games.
Ditto @FrozenMommy . It's great to have goals and standards, but I'm seriously pulling the experienced mom card here and laughing at the expectations. May the odds be ever in their favor!
One of my friends and her boyfriend spank their son who is barely walking and knows no words. It's not that they're sparking their child, but I think spanking is really only effective if the child is between 2-6.
I plan/hope to keep pics of my kids without clothes on off the internet. I know they're babies and all they do is adorable but I never understand why people post pics of their toddlers on the toilet or running around naked on Facebook, Instagram, etc. Also, I don't want a computer in my kiddos room. I would like for them to be in common rooms so my kids know their dad or I could walk by at any moment and see what they're doing (this is obviously older kids). We'll see how that one goes.
@megsie3102, I totally agree with that. I think I have 1 or 2 pics, but my kids chest is hidden by hands. It was a cute one of them finger painting. Otherwise there is no reason for it, even if I have privacy settings. I know it sounds weird, but those are my girls. My baby boy, I won't care if bare chest pics are on the net, but never never never his little dingle.
I'm in agreement about the pics. There are a few out there with DS shirtless, but I will NEVER post a pic of him on the toilet or naked. I can't even recall if I've ever taken a pic of him in the bath - other than his newborn pic that shows his tub but it's just his head and shoulders.
One of my friends and her boyfriend spank their son who is barely walking and knows no words. It's not that they're sparking their child, but I think spanking is really only effective if the child is between 2-6.
At that age they don't really understand why they are getting spanked. I could understand a light tap on the hand and a firm "no" but actually spanking is too young at that age.
Re: I won't do that with my kids...
I could tell this thread was going to be a firecracker from the very first post – nothing sets off a firestorm quite like a game of “I would never”! I just wanted to share my two cents. For most people, it really just isn’t your job to judge other people’s parenting. But for me, it is sometimes. You see, I’m an attorney and my job is to represent children in abuse and neglect cases. With older kids, I tell the judge what my client wants me to, but for younger ones, my job is to assess the situation and determine whether to advocate that the parent fell below the “minimum standard of parenting” or not. Becoming a parent myself made this part of my job so much harder. I always think back to this one case I had before I had children. It involved a skull fracture of an infant. The mother’s explanation was that the infant had been in a highchair when a 3 year old sibling pulled the high chair over. As a young attorney, I assessed the situation and told myself that this mother had not been supervising properly and that “I would never allow that to happen.” Fast forward about 4 years to when I had my own infant and 2 year old and I heard the sound of my own baby’s head hitting the hardwood floor from the other room. I was in the other room because I was getting a snack for the toddler/going to the bathroom/cleaning a spill/I don’t remember and it doesn’t matter. I ran in to find that my older child had pulled the baby halfway out of the baby swing. Not only had I not been “supervising” them at that moment, I had only strapped the baby in 3 of the 5 points of the harness. Epic parenting fail. Luckily, my child did not suffer a skull fracture - she was shaken, but fine. But that day, I broke down sobbing for that other mother who I had judged so harshly. It is sometimes easy to look at someone else and say “I would never” do that, but for me it is no fun. It’s no fun because it forces me to shine a mirror on those parts of myself that I’d rather not see. Parenting is really, really hard.
While my parents never used my sisters and I as "slave labor," per se, I think they were a little too rigid on enforcing whose night it was to cook dinner or do the dishes, so if I had too much homework, I lost sleep instead of my mom or dad taking over dish duty. I want my kids to actively participate in caring for the house, but it's still my job. I love that my 2 year old likes to help dust and wash the balcony door, and I let him put the pod in the washing machine and press the start button. He also likes to "help" cook. I hope this means he'll grow into a young man who can keep up his own house, wash his own clothes, and cook something other than ramen.
I also agree with not talking about financial worries in front of my kids. I don't want my young kids to be worrying about that stuff.
And also fighting in front of the kids/trash-talking the other parent. My parents were the worst about this and I honestly think it scarred me for life. I really want to avoid losing my temper at all, but especially in front of my kids. It's good for them to know that mom and dad don't get along perfectly, but what I want them to see is us resolving our differences, not us fighting. And even when a relationship dissolves, kids shouldn't feel forced to take sides.
With that being said, I don't have a "I would never" but I do hope that I can show my child grace & kindness, to have tolerance for others & to shine God's light in the world.
o_0 !!!! No way! A baby bottle full of soda? You just melted my brain...
:-O
If it's an optional/fun outing, the first outburst gets a warning and then we leave. For example, if we're at Chick-fil-A and DS needs a diaper change, he'll fuss about having to leave the play place. If he fusses a little then cooperates, he gets to go back and play some more, but if he throws himself on the ground and starts screaming, we leave (as soon as I'm done changing his diaper).
I believe two year olds need to be given a little grace when it comes to behavior, because they're still learning what's ok and what's not. But I also refuse to let my kid get his way by throwing a tantrum. Still, he's trying to communicate something to me when he gets upset and still has limited language to do so, so I have to figure out how best to respond.
All that being said, my son is usually pretty well-behaved in public, and doesn't throw the kind of tantrums while we're out somewhere that I know he's capable of. His worst behavior is usually in response to having to leave when he's having fun or having his fun interrupted for a diaper change. If he threw the kind of screaming fits in public that I've seen him throw at home, I would probably drop everything and leave - not so he'd get his way, but so I could calm him down.
Wife of 14 years to one amazing Hubby
2) Mature games for a child. She'll be growing up around gaming, so it's inevitable that she'll start playing something early on, but time and content will be moderated heavily. The only thing I find myself getting infuriated over with parent choices is letting kids play adult games.
3) Tablets or phones in church. We don't even take ours when we go, but I always see a few kids sitting in church playing games.