Nobody has offered to throw a shower

SarahfullofGrace

It might be the hormones talking here, but I'm at 22 weeks and nobody has offered to throw me a baby shower yet. Is it weird to be a little nervous and sad about that? I know there's still plenty of time but I feel like someone should have offered or mentioned it by now. My (sweet doting) husband wants to round up a bunch of my friends and throttle them until someone gets planning, but I don't think it's come to that yet, lol. Is it rude to ask someone to throw me one or how long should I wait for someone to step forward?

Everycol0r

Lurking Lurkerton

A shower is considered a gift & yes, it's considered rude to ask someone to host it as they are expensive. Unfortunately, not all people get thrown showers, they are not something you automatically get once pregnant. Hopefully someone will offer you one soon.

J1D

No one except an out of state friend has offered to throw one for me. I find the whole situation frustrating- it's rude to ask someone else to host but it's tacky to throw your own? I think everyone assumes one of my sisters will do it but my one sister is so socially awkward I don't think it would ever occur to her that she's supposed to offer and even if it did she wouldn't have a clue what to do. My other sister is just really flakey and self centered, so I'm not expecting anything there. My Mom hates baby showers and bachelorette parties- not sure why she lumps those 2 things together.
I've completely busted my butt for all of my friends baby showers, so it's extra hurtful to hear nothing but crickets when it's finally my turn.

caffeinatedkat

I'm on my sixth kid and I have not had a baby shower since my very first . The whole thing just felt weird for me like congratulations you got knocked up there's a bunch of free crap LOL I sent it for all the mail staff and I do the registries just for the free stuff they give you when you sign up but beyond that I don't expect anything from anyone. I am a second hand store, yard sale type girl. Even if you don't end up having a baby shower once the baby comes a lot of gifts start coming your way with it without asking. Some of it like really hideous lol

LiveNLove44

There are certainly people who don't have showers, and I know that doesn't seem like the norm, but it does happen. I think it's hard when people start expecting others to do something and they don't. I know it doesn't feel very good, but remember that no one has to host something in your, or your baby's, honor. Do you get together with your friends and family often? Perhaps it hasn't crossed their minds yet. I can appreciate your husband's sentiment, but I'm not sure the whole mob-like "you will throw my party" approach will go over very well! 

MirandaC1984

I'm 19 weeks and nobody has offered to throw one for me yet either. I'm not stressing. We're just buying a little at a time. Hopefully they will but if not, I didn't get pregnant for the shower. I'm just happy to be having a healthy baby. Try to think of it that way. I know it's tough but you'll be ok.

Krysta6

I'm with you! My close friend just had a baby 3 weeks ago and we threw her a shower and now I have crickets. She herself with a newborn mentioned a shower but I'm kind of like that's a little much for her to take on! I think everyone assumes they will be invited to my out of town shower with my family since my bridal shower was like that. But I don't want to mix, it would be 70 people and 3 hours away! I'm planning on just waiting and if no one offers we are going to have a bbq with our friends. I won't expect gifts but I just don't want to miss celebrating this time in our lives.

kirsty100

I just organised my own my sister is helping me organise stuff and I was going to have it at my house or go out to lunch or something but my mum offered her house and we're just going to bake some cakes and stuff it shouldn't be to expensive I don't think. For gifts to people who came I haven't decided yet what I'm doing but have few ideas and there quite cheap to you don't have to go all out and I also don't expect others to pay for my shower but it's just easier if we bake our own stuff and have it there rather then spending a fortune I'd start organising it people will jump on boated and offer to help out none of my close friends offered so stuff em just start to organise send a message to see who will come ect and you'll be surprised with people offering to help

Sweet Sadie Mae

Maybe you can get the basics that you really need and then throw a meet and greet after baby is born. People will most likely bring a gift for baby to that anyway. I know when I had my fist I had a baby shower thrown by my mom's but after the baby was born people gifted more stuff which I was completely shocked at.

BabyOIsComing

I have a feeling this will be an unpopular opinion (I should put it in the UO thread!) but I don't see a problem with throwing yourself a small get together to celebrate. I mean, you are having a baby - it's a wonderful thing! I wouldn't go with a "shower", per se, but maybe a BBQ or lunch so you can enjoy time with the people most special to you while you still have some time and energy. People keep saying showers aren't supposed to be a gift grab anyway, so there nothing wrong with having a little party when your pregnant... Although I'm sure some people might bring a little giftie for Jr. anyway.

CEB37

22 weeks is still pretty early. Showers are pretty easy to plan, not like weddings. Or it could be that your shower will be a surprise.

@J1D no one is "supposed" to offer you a shower. Regardless of their relation to you.

@kirsty100 showers are a gift. It's rude to throw a party in your own honor expecting gifts.

karlimeliss

Do you have family in the area?

J1D

CEB37 said:

22 weeks is still pretty early. Showers are pretty easy to plan, not like weddings. Or it could be that your shower will be a surprise.

@J1D no one is "supposed" to offer you a shower. Regardless of their relation to you.

@kirsty100 showers are a gift. It's rude to throw a party in your own honor expecting gifts.

Thanks for that. Glad you could clarify that for me. Guess I'll just be the tacky rude person who asks her family and friends to celebrate the most exciting event in my life so far. I don't give a fuck if anyone brings me presents but I don't think it's wrong for me or anyone else to want to celebrate. And this whole it's rude to ask, it's rude to throw it yourself, it's rude to do anything but hope maybe some one will notice that you really want to celebrate the fact that you are finally having a child- is bullshit! Because according to those standards if I'm not popular enough or don't have family that like to throw parties, I'm shit out of luck. I have no problem paying for my own fucking party and buying every single thing my baby requires myself but I REALLY have a problem with people telling me I shouldn't want or expect a baby shower. Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows what a big deal this is for me. So you know what? If it makes me a selfish person to "expect" my closest friends and family to want to celebrate my first child in some way, so be it.

momming247

Two of my friends and my sister all had their husband plan it as a surprise. No one batted an eye about it so I really don't see what the big deal is with people condemning someone for getting it going. People who love you will come, forgotten rest. I agree.with @BabyOIsComing

mrsdhouse89

I am pregnant with my second and have not been offered to be thrown a party. I had a boy first and am now pregnant with a girl. I do not have the expectation to be thrown a party but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts not to even being asked if one would be wanted. I've thrown a ton of parties at my house and have spent a ton of money on friends showers to not be offered the same in return makes me feel they are the selfish ones. Everyone wants to feel special at some point, even if it was something small with a few close friends to say hey "I'm so excited you're having a baby!".

DeeGreer

@J1D @SarahfullofGrace I say go for it! Ask and if you must, organize something! It's not to say you expect gifts but it's super exciting and I definitely understand wanting to celebrate! I wouldn't think it's rude...I'd feel rude if my sister/best friend was having a child and I didn't step up to offer to throw a shower. And there are a lot of ways to stay on a budget and still make it cute and memorable.

McRad

My SIL is having her husband plan her shower. Have you thought of that? I don't know if it's tacky but I thought it was a sweet sentiment that he's pampering her for a day while she's had a very rough pregnancy. I did not find it tacky that he's inviting, putting all the details together, etc.-- granted, his does have help with my MIL-- but he's listed as the host. I found it rather endearing that he wants to shower his wife and baby girl with love.
Maybe if you say your husband/SO is throwing it, someone will want to join and help?
Or, another option, is to throw a Meet and Eat party after baby is born...? If you aren't concerned with gifts and what not. Just to show baby to all your friends and family and celebrate his/her new life? Just some other thoughts.
I think I'd be a little (or a lot) upset if I was in your boat. It's a big deal and you want to celebrate and it's hurtful when you're the friend doing things for others and no one will return the favor. But, like another person said, maybe it is a surprise? But I'd have to think they'd ask for a date that you weren't busy....?

J1D

For me it's not a money or gifts issue. When I got married I had a diy wedding in my backyard that I paid for, I paid for the extra specific things I wanted my bridesmaids to have, I didn't have a gift registry and I didn't get a bridal shower. I don't need gifts. I just wanted to celebrate the fact I was marrying the man of my dreams.
So yeah, it kills me to hear that I'm rude to want to celebrate my long awaited child because I'm being greedy!? Wtf. So you can throw yourself a birthday party every year but you can't throw yourself a baby shower once in your lifetime? Seriously?

christina4436

I don't think it's rude to expect one of your close friends or family to throw you a shower f you're a FTM. If second or more that's different. I would be sad to. 22 weeks isn't that early to be planning these things. I just candidly asked my mom about it bc I have to travel home and she was just kind of waiting on me to tell her when. Luckily she is just taking it all on bc my sister and best friend are recently out of school, don't have a lot of extra money and not in the point in their lives where that's the first thing they think of. I'm sure they will offer to help but glad my mom is taking care of everything. Maybe you should have your husband talk to your mom and say you have been feeling down bc no one has offered etc. I feel like last resort if it is your first child she should be glad to do it even if it's not her thing. I would not throw your own I agree that's tacky. But having your hubby drop some hits or light a fire under someone's a** that you would do the same for may not be a big deal. Sorry you have to deal with this and keep us posted what happens. Either way, be excited for this time in your life and try not to let it get you too upset!

McRad

No , I get it. I did the same thing-- DIY very low budget wedding, no shower, no bachelorette party, didn't ask for gifts or do a registry. I totally get it. You and I are similar when it comes to that.
I was just offering other ideas. Not saying a shower isn't significant. I guess I threw the Meet and Eat out there because if you're not about getting gifts (which if you think of a baby shower/wedding shower, people get a registry and but things for you) and could do without people sending stuff, then you'd actually have the baby to show off. (That's what we are doing.)
And I'm not suggesting by any means you don't throw your own shower, I just threw out the idea of your husband because I'd never seen it before and thought it was neat that my BIL wanted to play a role in the special day for his wife and daughter. Just giving other options or ideas. It's your decision. If you want to plan it, then who's to stop you.

midge519

I think you should get together with your friends or close family and say you're going to plan a cookout celebration for the baby. If they offer after that than they do but if not at least you get to celebrate your way

J1D

@McRad I totally understood you! I was just still in general rant mode and not responding directly to what you said, just blowing off more steam Clearly this is a touchy subject for me and there were just instant flames coming out the side of my face when I felt like earlier I was being attacked for wanting to celebrate a moment I've been waiting a very long time for.

MamaOwl15

OP, to answer your questions, yes, it's considered rude to throw your own baby shower and yes, your feelings are completely valid.

When I was pregnant with my son, around 22 weeks or so no one had offered to throw me a shower. I didn't expect one, because DH's friends were all a bit younger and single and for the most part childless and I couldn't imagine any of them throwing a baby shower. Not terribly long before, my church (which was very small) dissolved and I had somewhat of a falling out with my one local close friend. Both my sisters live out of state and one had a newborn. There weren't many people around to throw me a shower in the first place.

As the weeks went on, I felt increasingly left out as the other ladies on my BMB (on a different site) posted about their baby showers. No one has said anything about throwing me a shower. DH and I got much of what we needed on Craigslist.

Well, when I was about 34 weeks along, my MIL threw a little family-only sprinkle for us, which I only knew about a couple weeks before. Who knows how long she'd had in mind to do so? I would've had a shower at work, but I missed the staff meeting after which it would have been held because baby came early. If showers are supposed to "welcome you to motherhood," while some people get a big fanfare, I got a couple handshakes on the way out the door.

I believe IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL to feel a little left out. Especially when you've got friends or sisters whose showers you've attended or even hosted.

What's rude is acting like you're entitled to a party and getting upset if no one throws you one, or if you only get something small. (I say acting upset, not feeling a little hurt/left out). General etiquette is that you don't throw your own shower. But why not have a BBQ this summer to celebrate baby? Or a meet-and-greet with friends after baby comes? No one says you don't get to celebrate your baby!

karlimeliss

J1D said:

CEB37 said:

22 weeks is still pretty early. Showers are pretty easy to plan, not like weddings. Or it could be that your shower will be a surprise.

@J1D no one is "supposed" to offer you a shower. Regardless of their relation to you.

@kirsty100 showers are a gift. It's rude to throw a party in your own honor expecting gifts.

Thanks for that. Glad you could clarify that for me. Guess I'll just be the tacky rude person who asks her family and friends to celebrate the most exciting event in my life so far. I don't give a fuck if anyone brings me presents but I don't think it's wrong for me or anyone else to want to celebrate. And this whole it's rude to ask, it's rude to throw it yourself, it's rude to do anything but hope maybe some one will notice that you really want to celebrate the fact that you are finally having a child- is bullshit! Because according to those standards if I'm not popular enough or don't have family that like to throw parties, I'm shit out of luck. I have no problem paying for my own fucking party and buying every single thing my baby requires myself but I REALLY have a problem with people telling me I shouldn't want or expect a baby shower. Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows what a big deal this is for me. So you know what? If it makes me a selfish person to "expect" my closest friends and family to want to celebrate my first child in some way, so be it.

Yes it is very exciting to have a baby for all moms. A shower is by definition to "shower" the mother with gifts in preparation for the new addition. If the mom isn't having a shower but still wants to celebrate usually a meet the baby party is thrown after the baby has been born.

Ivyblue92

Why do you feel someone should offer to do you a baby shower? It's not compulsory. I can't quite figure out why your f'ing & blinding about it & getting all defensive when people have commented. You are only 21wks how do you know someone isn't already thinking about throwing you a shower?

Ivyblue92

J1D said:

CEB37 said:

22 weeks is still pretty early. Showers are pretty easy to plan, not like weddings. Or it could be that your shower will be a surprise.

@J1D no one is "supposed" to offer you a shower. Regardless of their relation to you.

@kirsty100 showers are a gift. It's rude to throw a party in your own honor expecting gifts.

Thanks for that. Glad you could clarify that for me. Guess I'll just be the tacky rude person who asks her family and friends to celebrate the most exciting event in my life so far. I don't give a fuck if anyone brings me presents but I don't think it's wrong for me or anyone else to want to celebrate. And this whole it's rude to ask, it's rude to throw it yourself, it's rude to do anything but hope maybe some one will notice that you really want to celebrate the fact that you are finally having a child- is bullshit! Because according to those standards if I'm not popular enough or don't have family that like to throw parties, I'm shit out of luck. I have no problem paying for my own fucking party and buying every single thing my baby requires myself but I REALLY have a problem with people telling me I shouldn't want or expect a baby shower. Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows what a big deal this is for me. So you know what? If it makes me a selfish person to "expect" my closest friends and family to want to celebrate my first child in some way, so be it.

You are a selfish person. You shouldn't expect nothing of the sort. It is rude to expect your close friends & family to throw you a shower. So stop f'ing & blinding and get off that high horse your on. By all means celebrate but don't expect people to throw you shower.

CEB37

J1D said:

@McRad I totally understood you! I was just still in general rant mode and not responding directly to what you said, just blowing off more steam Clearly this is a touchy subject for me and there were just instant flames coming out the side of my face when I felt like earlier I was being attacked for wanting to celebrate a moment I've been waiting a very long time for.

@J1D Can you please explain how I have "attacked" you?  I simply stated that a shower isn't something anyone is supposed to throw.  Meaning no one is obligated.  I didn't call you greedy or imply that you were.  It's normal to feel slighted, and I'm sorry you feel that way. 

Lack of a shower doesn't make your baby any less loved or special and you can still, of course, celebrate.  Host a meet the baby party afterwards if a party is that important to you.

J1D

@Ivyblue92

You have ever right to disagree with my opinions but no right to insult me or my character on a personal level.

missemmawoodhouse

J1D said:

CEB37 said:

22 weeks is still pretty early. Showers are pretty easy to plan, not like weddings. Or it could be that your shower will be a surprise.

@J1D no one is "supposed" to offer you a shower. Regardless of their relation to you.

@kirsty100 showers are a gift. It's rude to throw a party in your own honor expecting gifts.

Thanks for that. Glad you could clarify that for me. Guess I'll just be the tacky rude person who asks her family and friends to celebrate the most exciting event in my life so far. I don't give a fuck if anyone brings me presents but I don't think it's wrong for me or anyone else to want to celebrate. And this whole it's rude to ask, it's rude to throw it yourself, it's rude to do anything but hope maybe some one will notice that you really want to celebrate the fact that you are finally having a child- is bullshit! Because according to those standards if I'm not popular enough or don't have family that like to throw parties, I'm shit out of luck. I have no problem paying for my own fucking party and buying every single thing my baby requires myself but I REALLY have a problem with people telling me I shouldn't want or expect a baby shower. Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows what a big deal this is for me. So you know what? If it makes me a selfish person to "expect" my closest friends and family to want to celebrate my first child in some way, so be it.

Holy overreaction. Yikes.

missemmawoodhouse

J1D said:

@Ivyblue92

You have ever right to disagree with my opinions but no right to insult me or my character on a personal level.

What are you talking about? Please quote where @ivyblue92 insulted your character.

ETA: ok, she said you're selfish. It seems that way to me, too. This is a lot of rage with the "fucks" and the "bullshits" for a silly baby shower.

J1D

CEB37 said:

J1D said:

@McRad I totally understood you! I was just still in general rant mode and not responding directly to what you said, just blowing off more steam Clearly this is a touchy subject for me and there were just instant flames coming out the side of my face when I felt like earlier I was being attacked for wanting to celebrate a moment I've been waiting a very long time for.

@J1D Can you please explain how I have "attacked" you?  I simply stated that a shower isn't something anyone is supposed to throw.  Meaning no one is obligated.  I didn't call you greedy or imply that you were.  It's normal to feel slighted, and I'm sorry you feel that way. 

Lack of a shower doesn't make your baby any less loved or special and you can still, of course, celebrate.  Host a meet the baby party afterwards if a party is that important to you.

I felt the "supposed" comment to be an attack. If that's not how you meant it than no hard feelings. I did not mean it in the "obligated" sense when I wrote it. More along the lines of how people say the mother is not "supposed" to through her own shower, someone else is "supposed" to throw it for her. I was merely using the language I've seen others apply to comments in regards to baby showers. Does that make sense?

Ivyblue92

@J1D you said "So you know what? If it makes me a selfish person to "expect" my closest friends and family to want to celebrate my first child in some way, so be it" So I agreed that you are selfish. So tell me where I insulted you on a personal level?

BlueWaffleSpeshul

J1D said:

22 weeks is still pretty early. Showers are pretty easy to plan, not like weddings. Or it could be that your shower will be a surprise. @J1D no one is "supposed" to offer you a shower. Regardless of their relation to you. @kirsty100 showers are a gift. It's rude to throw a party in your own honor expecting gifts.

Thanks for that. Glad you could clarify that for me. Guess I'll just be the tacky rude person who asks her family and friends to celebrate the most exciting event in my life so far. I don't give a fuck if anyone brings me presents but I don't think it's wrong for me or anyone else to want to celebrate. And this whole it's rude to ask, it's rude to throw it yourself, it's rude to do anything but hope maybe some one will notice that you really want to celebrate the fact that you are finally having a child- is bullshit! Because according to those standards if I'm not popular enough or don't have family that like to throw parties, I'm shit out of luck. I have no problem paying for my own fucking party and buying every single thing my baby requires myself but I REALLY have a problem with people telling me I shouldn't want or expect a baby shower. Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows what a big deal this is for me. So you know what? If it makes me a selfish person to "expect" my closest friends and family to want to celebrate my first child in some way, so be it.

 I mean, this is a blunt way of putting it, but kind of yes. Some people just don't have friends or family who can throw them a shower. In that case, they don't get a shower. As others have stated, you can have a meet the baby party after your LO is born, or just have a get together with friends and family that isn't a shower.

csy2947

I didn't read the comments but let me guess

1) showers aren't a gift don't be a greedy and selfish b
2) but i don't want to miss out on this life event and want to figure out a solution
3) tough, you can't be tacky, it's a bump cardinal sin and basically you even asking this is entitled and obnoxious
4) stop being such jerks to op! This is a normal and innocent feeling (usually me!)
5) stop being a white knight, this is tacky and she sucks and no one understands etiquette anymore!
6) repeat steps 4 and 5 with escalating levels of vitriol

Ivyblue92

Cheers for report. I love you to

J1D

What can I say? Agree to disagree.

McRad

Maybe everyone is getting hung up on the word shower. I mean, like I said too, showers involve gifts. @J1D has said its not about the gifts, rather celebrating this new life and new adventure her and her husband are taking. Maybe if we omit the word shower from the title it's not so touchy and everyone is saying the exact same thing. I mean, people have suggested you can host a get together, without gifts, and that's not tacky. Isn't that the same thing as a shower without gifts? I'm just wondering if we're all agreeing, to some degree, on the same idea, just not the title? Just an observation...?
Okay. I'm done here

jharrison119

Why not just do it yourself . I don't see the point in waiting for someone to step up to the plate when you obv want one ! I didn't give anyone the chance to and just started planning it on my own and then ppl started saying oh I'll plan it you're not supposed to . Idc thou I have a specific vision for how I want mine to look and what will be served . I say just do it yourself and who ever wants to help they can ! It's not that serious .

BlueWaffleSpeshul

jharrison119 said:

Why not just do it yourself . I don't see the point in waiting for someone to step up to the plate when you obv want one ! I didn't give anyone the chance to and just started planning it on my own and then ppl started saying oh I'll plan it you're not supposed to . Idc thou I have a specific vision for how I want mine to look and what will be served . I say just do it yourself and who ever wants to help they can ! It's not that serious .

So someone offered you the gift of a shower and you declined because they wouldn't make it exactly how you wanted? Is that how I'm reading this? 

baconlady

this is a bad topic.  The baby shower etiquette Nazis will destroy you.  I say do whatever the heck you want and don't tell the BUMP about it because it's not going to be pretty!  Good luck & enjoy. 

jenspeake

My philosophy is....if I feel I have to ask if something is rude or not....then I probably already know my answer.