Etiquette Question — The Bump
Baby Showers

Etiquette Question

Okay, I searched for this but didn't find anything particularly helpful.

When I announced my pregnancy, one of my co-workers very enthusiastically told me that she was planning on throwing me a work shower (which is awesome!). However, I haven't heard anything about it since then. Of the two showers that I've been to here, both of them were 'surprise' showers for the mom to be. I also work in a school, and we're getting thrown into state testing time, so I am almost positive that nothing shower related will happen until after that's died down a little (mid-May). Also, I'm not going to be upset if this work shower never happens; I get that people are busy and I don't want anyone to feel extra stress at an already rough time of year.

My concern comes from the shower that my MIL is  planning. There are several of my co-workers that I would love to have in attendance, but I don't want to appear gift-grabby by inviting them to another one if the work shower happens. So, do I assume that the work shower will happen and don't invite them (since we'll be able to celebrate later), or do I invite them anyway and risk making them feel like I need to have a gift at both showers? OR do I just ask my co-worker if one is happening or not? I don't want to offend anyone; I'm the first one to have a baby in my family and I've never been to a baby shower so I don't know what the etiquette is in this situation. TIA!

Re: Etiquette Question

  • Can you ask one of the close friends to check on it for you?  And if they are close friends then they will not mind getting invited to both.  A school/work shower is usually a different feeling from a family one.  They can decide which one they want to attend or get you two smaller items.  I don't think you will look gift hungry if you invite a few close friends from work. 

  • AmstreagleAmstreagle
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers Second Anniversary
    edited April 2015
    I wouldn't ever expect to be thrown a gift giving event in my honor even if it were commonplace at my work.
    Assuming the people you would invite to your MILs are people you connect with outside of work I would go ahead and invite them. In the case you are thrown a work shower it would be obvious that it was given as a surprise and since you don't know about it it wouldn't be gift grabby. If you do happen to have a work shower and your work friends feel uncomfortable attending two showers for you then they can decline the invite to your MILs shower.
    I wouldn't ask about the work shower personally.
  • Thanks for the advice, ladies! I definitely don't want to assume that a work shower is happening or make people feel like I'm expecting one (and I don't want to ask about it because that just screams TACKY to me). I'll invite my close friends from work to my MIL's, and if a work shower happens I'll make sure that they don't feel obligated to attend a second one.

  • I am having two showers - one with DH's family and one with mine. My best friend was invited to both and will attend both but it is clearly understood that she'll only be giving me one gift. The second shower is just an extra excuse to see her since we live several states away from each other now.

    If these women are your very close friends I doubt they'll be offended by being invited to both, and i doubt they'll feel like they need to give you multiple gifts. If they're just work acquaintances that you eat lunch with or something it may be another story. This is a know your crowd situation. But I agree that if the work shower is a surprise and you don't know if or when it's coming, you won't look gift grabby by inviting these friends to your other shower.
    Me: 36 DH: 36
    Married 5-31-14
    DD1 born 6-21-15
    DD2 born 6-11-17
    DS born 9-5-18

  • If pregnant women are usually thrown a shower by your faculty, don't invite co-workers to your non-work shower.  If they don't get to "shower" you, they won't be upset that you didn't invite them to an outside shower; they'll be upset that the person who offered to throw a work shower never did.
    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
  • I am in the same boat and work in a school where when I told the faculty there were several teachers who offered. I am 32 weeks and no official date has been set so was thinking they may back out of it. Which is no biggie but it is common for everyone can pitch in for a present or gift card. Also several really close teachers have acted like they were wanting to get me something either way. I am fine with whatever happens.
  • I would go ahead and plan to ihave your MIL invite your close friend co-workers t her shower, but then in thr meantime if you are informed abou a dtae for the work shower, then just don't go throug with inviting thrm to the MIL shower. Worst case scenario, your MIL sends out an invite and then later you find out details about a work shower, you could always just take those close friends aside and belike "hey I didn't realize we were having is work thing too, please don't feel like you have to go to both!" They're close friends, they'll understand you were in a weird position.
  • I would just talk to them about it.  Explain that you don't know if the work shower will happen and that you do not want them to feel like you're asking them to come to both.  Then simply ask them if they would like to be invited to the family shower?  Chances are they will just be honest with you.  Then you can tell them that if they end up hearing about a work shower to please not feel in any way obligated to come to both.  If you are close enough friends I feel that this would be the best way to handle it.  You are being honest with them, and you are explaining that the last thing you want to do is be rude (by inviting them OR by not inviting them).
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Thanks again, ladies!!

    @crbpjb My only issue with talking to them directly about it is that two of the four I would want to invite are the ones that said they would throw the work I don't really know how to go about that without making them feel like I'm asking for the work shower to happen. I do agree that I will definitely make sure they don't feel obligated to go to both, if both happen, though.

  • crasoncrason
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Photogenic First Answer
    edited April 2015
    I'm also a teacher, and every FTM gets a baby shower, thrown by her grade-level team. I've contributed money and gifts for 10 years, and you'd better believe I'd be disappointed if I didn't have my turn. Take a bunch of tacky and shove it. I'm having twins and need all the help I can get.
    Pregnancy Ticker
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