UOs and Randoms

jenndub

Once we starved Lennon. As punishment for her bad attitude. I'm kidding. We were at Emma's soccer tournament a few weeks ago and Sawyer had to go to the bathroom. I handed the baby to DH and said,"Can you give her a bottle while I take Sawyer to the bathroom." He said yes. 20 minutes later (long walk and a line) we made it back to the game and Lennon was sleeping. I assumed she drank the bottle and fell asleep. 4 hours later I'm cleaning out the diaper bag and the full bottle is in there! My dipshit husband wasn't listening to me at all and didn't feed her. She went almost 8 hours without eating. And she wasn't even fussy, this baby is too chill for her own good.

tinyhumantoe

I am so thoroughly confused, not that this entire conversation was about me but I guess I seem to be taking it personally.  I have never sent my child to bed hungry, and I too refuse to send my child to bed hungry. 

In fact, I spend an immeasurable amount of effort and creativity to get her to eat dinner - she's not refusing dinner because I made something she doesn't like.  I could throw chicken nugs in front of her and she wouldn't touch them.  I worry every night when she doesn't eat much and I've talked to the pedi about it.  If she woke up in the middle of the night hungry, I would feed her.  I don't like that it's sounding like I'm withholding food.  It sounds like some people have good eaters - I do not and my pedi said she is healthy and thriving, so do not worry.  My kid is an asshole eater, not a kid trying to sleep with hunger pangs.

So just for the record, I cook dinners with 3-4 different items.  If she truly dislikes that food, I have a few things that she eats that I'm willing to prepare - carrots, broc & cheese, any healthful leftovers from previous meals (all alternatives, but not "cooking 2 meals").  But because of what we've gone through in the past, I will not give in to her demands for mac n cheese, PBJ, yogurt raisins, yogurt, and fruit.  They are not healthful replacements and  (1) we have problems with her getting too much sugar at daycare/grandmas, (2) she will turn into a walking macaroni noodle if I give her that shit at home too, and (3) I'm not going back to every dinner plate being thrown in protest of PBJ and yogurt. 

It is fucking exhausting trying to constantly let her try new things and finding ways for her to eat.  It's my biggest parenting issue right now.  She gets one meal a day with me through the week and the rest of the time she's being fed total fried sugar shit.  It's important that I keep trying.

tinyhumantoe

I had to snicker a little, because when I've been really upset that I can't get W to eat, I tell myself - one night without dinner is not going to hurt a healthy kid. 

Also, I should have kept reading before posting the above.  I see the conversation changed.  Sorry!

Flamingemu

@tinyhumantoe, my short list for future names is Rowena. I am in love with it and think it fits with the oldtime theme. 

Frances is adorable, but I would totally be making 'don't put baby in the corner' jokes constantly. I am a child. 

PenelopePond

MelsaX said:

I got the whole "you'd be really pretty if you lost weight" the other day. By a lady waiting to cross the road in town who was standing next to me. What the fuck?
I just looked at her and said "Bitch. I am fucking flawless."
I hope she never says that to anyone again. She's just lucky that I'm a confident person who doesn't give a shit, but I hate to think how badly that could hurt someone who was insecure about themselves.

Holy shit that's horrible. Your response was amazing, and you are definitely gorgeous. What a bitch. I'm the type of person that would be destroyed by a comment like that. I can't even imagine.

kelbel527

Woah, a real debate happened today and I was gone. This would have been a great distraction from working. I'm mostly jealous that your kids actually have time between dinner and bedtime to be hungry. By the time I get home with the kids we eat and then they go to bed immediately. Their early bedtime plus our commute, plus my late hours = crazy nights. I've threatened bedtime with no food when my kid has a meltdown at the table (meltdowns are never caused by food, just over tiredness). I've never followed through. I should probably stop saying it because he will figure out I won't follow through. Eta: sorry for wall of text from my ipad

watercolor5

hmp1 said:

loislayn said:

Isn't "you'll eat what I put in front of you or you won't eat at all" controlling? I can't tell you how many times I heard that, along with "I brought you into this world, I'll take you out of it." K, cool. Now I fear you but I don't respect you.

I have no problem controlling my kids.

All forms of discipline are ways to control kids.  You are trying to change their behavior through your response to it, and all children need that so they learn proper behavior and social norms.  I don't buy the whole "abuse has to start somewhere" thing.  If parents are parenting in love and with their children's best intentions at heart, and never disciplining in anger, then things don't just escalate to starving their children or beating them or hurting them.  If you feel like you are angry or losing it or whatever, you remove yourself from the situation or change what you've been doing as it's obviously not working.  

Flamingemu

kelbel527 said:

Woah, a real debate happened today and I was gone. This would have been a great distraction from working. I'm mostly jealous that your kids actually have time between dinner and bedtime to be hungry. By the time I get home with the kids we eat and then they go to bed immediately. Their early bedtime plus our commute, plus my late hours = crazy nights. I've threatened bedtime with no food when my kid has a meltdown at the table (meltdowns are never caused by food, just over tiredness). I've never followed through. I should probably stop saying it because he will figure out I won't follow through. Eta: sorry for wall of text from my ipad

There are many nights where we finish dinner and go to bed within 20 minutes. My kid takes forever to eat some nights. 

Flamingemu

I have had such a shitty week that I kept losing my patience with L tonight. Instead of fighting her over every little thing (my things because I was in a bad mood, she was just being 2), I put on Tangled and snuggled on the couch. 

Our night turned out much better than it started. And, we had never watched Tangled. It was cute. 

miss50

I made it. Haven't prepared at all for the weekend thanks to this 8 page thread.

The kid was sent home for possible pink eye.  We will see in the morning if she is indeed infected.  2 hours, two shots, and a vial of blood later, she is sleeping soundly after her meal of black olives and peanut butter on a waffle.  

What makes me an awesome mom?  I let Sage help put ornaments on the tree and even though they are all in one place I didn't move a single one.  My mom wouldn't let me touch the ornaments let alone put them on.  To this day she would rearrange them to her liking.  

I enjoyed the conversation, thanks ladies.

watercolor5

loislayn said:

watercolor5 said:

hmp1 said:

loislayn said:

Isn't "you'll eat what I put in front of you or you won't eat at all" controlling? I can't tell you how many times I heard that, along with "I brought you into this world, I'll take you out of it." K, cool. Now I fear you but I don't respect you.

I have no problem controlling my kids.

All forms of discipline are ways to control kids.  You are trying to change their behavior through your response to it, and all children need that so they learn proper behavior and social norms.  I don't buy the whole "abuse has to start somewhere" thing.  If parents are parenting in love and with their children's best intentions at heart, and never disciplining in anger, then things don't just escalate to starving their children or beating them or hurting them.  If you feel like you are angry or losing it or whatever, you remove yourself from the situation or change what you've been doing as it's obviously not working.  

My dad spanked my ass "in love". Because the bible told him to. So no, good intentions don't mean shit sometimes. 

I believe parents can love their kids and still be abusive.  I also believe parents can spank without being abusive, because mine did- and I feel the main difference was that they made sure they weren't mad when they spanked.  I'm obviously not saying to spank your kids, just saying that as parents just staying cognizant of our own mood/mental state can stop that escalation of force or emotional control or abuse.  Maybe that doesn't work for everyone, but you can't just take parental self-control out of the equation because it makes a huge difference.  So not just talking about good intentions, but about self-control, not disciplining in anger, and dealing with your kids in a way that's calm, consistent, and corrects lovingly.  Easier said than done, but escalation of force doesn't just "happen".

Unknown

This content has been removed.

melody921

loislayn said:

I think spanking when not mad is worse. Then it's a calculated move, that my father determined he was going to go to the basement and cut out a piece of plywood in the shape of a paddle, drill holes in it so it would hurt worse, all the while I was upstairs waiting and cowering and crying, and then he came to spank me repeatedly with a bare ass bent over his bed. Yes, that's totally out of love and not at all abusive.

Totally agree that this is cold, calculated and complete and utter BS. In my mind, this is worse than a parent who lashes out when angry.

MarisaKathleen

loislayn said:

I think spanking when not mad is worse. Then it's a calculated move, that my father determined he was going to go to the basement and cut out a piece of plywood in the shape of a paddle, drill holes in it so it would hurt worse, all the while I was upstairs waiting and cowering and crying, and then he came to spank me repeatedly with a bare ass bent over his bed. Yes, that's totally out of love and not at all abusive.

It amazes me that you have any relationship at all with your Dad. 

loislayn said:

I think spanking when not mad is worse. Then it's a calculated move, that my father determined he was going to go to the basement and cut out a piece of plywood in the shape of a paddle, drill holes in it so it would hurt worse, all the while I was upstairs waiting and cowering and crying, and then he came to spank me repeatedly with a bare ass bent over his bed. Yes, that's totally out of love and not at all abusive.

Hyaline

loislayn said:

watercolor5 said:

hmp1 said:

loislayn said:

Isn't "you'll eat what I put in front of you or you won't eat at all" controlling? I can't tell you how many times I heard that, along with "I brought you into this world, I'll take you out of it." K, cool. Now I fear you but I don't respect you.

I have no problem controlling my kids.

All forms of discipline are ways to control kids.  You are trying to change their behavior through your response to it, and all children need that so they learn proper behavior and social norms.  I don't buy the whole "abuse has to start somewhere" thing.  If parents are parenting in love and with their children's best intentions at heart, and never disciplining in anger, then things don't just escalate to starving their children or beating them or hurting them.  If you feel like you are angry or losing it or whatever, you remove yourself from the situation or change what you've been doing as it's obviously not working.  

My dad spanked my ass "in love". Because the bible told him to. So no, good intentions don't mean shit sometimes.

I truly believe that if a person is actually acting out of love in the moment, intentions work as a preventative to abuse.  I also believe that many people justify their actions after the fact with "it was out of love" when in reality it was in anger or out of a sense of abusive control.  You can love your kids and still abuse them, but I don't think you can be acting *out of love* and *with only the child's well-being in mind* in a particular moment and that action be abusive.  Only the person acting knows, truly--but now we're the parents.  And I think we can see even more clearly through our experience the difference in intention between good discipline and reacting in anger or selfish motives.

LL, what your dad did was abusive beating, not disciplinary spanking.  Three swats on the bottom when not angry is not the same as making a paddle and cowing you with it, controlling you through fear.  You know, I get the sense that your dad actually was angry all the damn time rather than not being angry when he beat you.  That deep-seated, smoldering anger that never goes away.  Anyway.  I'm done trying to do a character analysis on your abusive father, I have enough fun trying that with DH's abusive father.

Hyaline

loislayn said:

You're probably right, Hy. Spanking gets me all flustered and angry and I hear the word control and see red.

Totally understandable.  We all have our triggers, and I'm sorry that yours was caused by parenting All the hugs on that front.

Hyaline

loislayn said:

@marisa, I didn't for awhile. It's still not great, but I tolerate him for my mother's sake. I also realize that he has some undiagnosed issues that were never addressed (bipolar, adhd, likely asberger's) and some that have been since diagnosed.

This is DH's dad to a T--is most certainly bipolar and potential personality disorders as well.  Refuses treatment.  Refuses counseling or medication.  So I refuse to let my daughter be around him for any significant amount of time (lunch at a restaurant, tops).  

DH manages to have a relationship with him to some degree (which is hard enough, but add his bizarre narcissistic tendencies on top of it...), which I support but really don't get involved in.

tinyhumantoe

I think I was actually more bitter about things my parents did back before I had W.  You would think it would make me less understanding, to look at W and wonder how anyone could ever do bad things to their kid.  I'm just so thankful that I am not repeating any of that stuff, and that DH came from a completely different (totally loving) background.  So in that sense, the bullshit ends with me  

It was kind of hard when I would tell DH these stories and he wouldn't believe me - he grew up in Mayberry haha.  Now he has been around long enough and has seen some things, has heard it from my sisters, and he completely believes me.  It's like I could move past my anger once I felt DH believed me.  I find comfort in being a good mom.

I think some things that played in to my parents doing what they did were:  age, their upbringings/examples, different time, some mental health issues, stress, mom kind of being on her own with us, etc.  The best revenge is me raising my kids and letting them watch me be everything they weren't.  Sometimes I can see on mom's face that we both know how fucked up things were for us kids.  I think she's embarrassed that we all know/remember, and it would probably be easier on her if we were just like she was.

watercolor5

@loislayn @tinyhumantoe @IndigoVader and/or anyone else who has suffered abuse... I'm so sorry.  I've been gone all day, so I couldn't respond sooner. 

I don't believe beatings with paddles or whippings with straps or anything else that is used to increase the pain and fear of a child can be justified or is done in love.  That's also not what I think of when I think of spanking... it really falls more into the category of beating to me.  To tie actions like that to "love" or the bible or God is atrocious, offensive, and damaging.  The distortion of the greatest good is the greatest evil, and it's so heartbreaking that parental love for a child can be so wrongly distorted. 

I guess I just can't understand how things escalate in that direction- if it's just that the parent is overtaken by anger, or has lost self-control, or is battling mental illness or what- I don't identify. I'm sorry to anyone who was the child in a situation like that, and I'm thankful that we have the ability to raise our children differently.

danabsd

I've never been to a Craker Barrel. I don't even know if we have one. Or a Jimmy Johns. We definitely don't have one of those.

My Grandma is Gladys. Nope. Her sister calls her Gladie. Double nope.
Her mother was Jennifer, they called her Jenny. I won't tell your H I know an old folk Jennifer @tinyhuman‌toe