Alone with two kids from two guys

Christina80xoxo

I don't know what to do. When I got pregnant with my daughter twelve years ago, her dad left. Said he didn't want kids. I've been in love with someone for three years. After trying and trying we finally got pregnant. He had been abusive in the past because he was using drugs. Tonight, he woke me up accusing me of cheating on him while he was in jail. (For beating me up) He punched me in face, hit me some more and left.
How do I explain to my daughter about this? I didn't expect it. How do I go through this and show her how to be a good woman when I'm 33 and having another baby alone.
I'm so broken hearted. Please help me figure out how to talk to her.
I'm too embarrassed to ask people who know us.
Please help me

Joon+

Oh my goodness... I have no experience with this but I am so terribly sorry for the abuse you've suffered. I know you're probably still in shock, but have you considered contacting the authorities? Laying hands on any woman, but especially a pregnant one, is flat out unacceptable and he should be held responsible. For your own safety, I think it's important that you find some immediate support, if not in your inner circle, then in your community. The main priority right now is to keep you, your daughter and your baby away from further harm. The time to explain things to her can come later. Does he still have access to your home or did he leave his key? Just make sure you've removed all opportunities for him to come back at his leisure. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. T&Ps to you for strength to get through this - and you *can* get through this!

Christina80xoxo

He still has access to my house. I have nowhere and I'm scared. I'm so embarrassed. A few people knew what he did before and told me to stay away. I believed he changed. I'm so hurt and disappointed. So embarrassed to tell people.

Joon+

Christina80xoxo said:

He still has access to my house. I have nowhere and I'm scared. I'm so embarrassed. A few people knew what he did before and told me to stay away. I believed he changed. I'm so hurt and disappointed. So embarrassed to tell people.

I can understand having that feeling, but please know you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. You are the victim and he's the one who should be ashamed. As hard as it is, I'm sure your friends/family would want to know what's happened so they can help. Even just one person that you trust. You are in crisis and the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself. If there really is no one, I would call a community service (women's shelter, support group) or at least a crisis line. And I would still strongly urge you to contact the police. They can connect you with local support services as well. Also, have you seen a doctor?

Christina80xoxo

I think I'm in shock still. I called in for work tomorrow and going to dr. Thanks for giving support.

csuperstar02

I am so sorry to hear that just happened to you. As joon said, please find at least one someone IRL/inner circle to talk to and be with you. A friend whose house you could go to since he has the possibility of coming back. Again, I'm sorry, but this is not your fault. Please call the police and/or a local women's shelter to get some immediate next step guidance.

kowyen

PPs are so correct, HE is the one who should be ashamed. Your humility will help others see you truly need help but remember that this isn't your fault. Please reach out to your family/friends. Finding somewhere safe is priority #1. You can do this.

ajacot924

I think everyone has given great advice. I hope everything works out. T and P for you.

nannabee21

Please get you and your daughter out of that house. Get to a shelter or a close family or friend's house. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You won't regret taking action. T&P's to you and your children.

chaysefaith

Does he work? I needed to get out of a bad situation years ago. I rented a moving truck, called my brother in law, and got the fuck out while he was at work. I went back to my parents. It's not ideal moving back in with your parents, but is that an option for you?

I know in my situation I was scared of being judged. People thought I should have left years before I did and I felt like talking about the straw that broke the camels back was only going to get me judgement. You're a mom, if your daughter was in your situation I bet you would take her back in an instant. Parents are usually like that, they just want what's best for their "baby."

If your parents aren't an option then do whatever it takes. Go to a friends, go to a shelter, go to extended family. Go somewhere. Before you go, pack your stuff and bring it with you. If you want it, do not leave it behind or you can kiss it goodbye forever.

My girls were younger than your daughter when Ieft so I didn't need to explain to them but, my advice is to leave now and explain later. Your daughter won't think less of you for being strong and showing her that no woman deserves to be treated like that.

Also, if you haven't alrwady, please call the cops. File a restraining order. Don't put his name on the birth certificate.

If you need to talk you can PM me. I'm pretty open with contact info via PM. I'm worried for you. Please don't treat this lightly or brush it off. I know how hard it can be but you've got to get yourself and your daughter out of there.

jnowosielski

Everyone pretty much covered it but I wanted to stress you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Please get out before things escalate any more. I will be thinking of you and your LO.

Biscotto

Please call the police and reach out to family and friends for help. You have no reason to be ashamed.

Thinking of you.

071115

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you did nothing wrong! He should be embarrassed and know that he is a piece of shit. He should never hit his pregnant GF! That is horrible!!!

If you stand up for your self, and hold your head up high. Your daughter will see that, and she will respect you so much. For being a strong independent woman, who will not take shit from no one. She will see that you won't allow a disrespectful piece of shit around her, you will protect her and your self!

Be strong!! Don't take him back of he asks!! Press charges and stick to your guns!!

Christina80xoxo

Thank you. Heading to dad's house for a while. I'll be taking your advice and make some calls today. I wanted to save my family, but he can't be a part of my family anymore thank you again.

kellbell1982

OP you have a pm

wendyld

I totally understand feeling embarrassed. I was embarrassed about my divorce and it wasn't even a physical abuse situation. I was embarrassed about how much I had put up with and embarrassed that I let it go on so long. I was embarrassed that I wasn't able to make it work, even though I know now that there is no way for just one person in a relationship to do that.

I think you know that you have to get out, you have to protect yourself and your children, and you have to call the police. We don't need to tell you that. You mentioned being concerned about how to tell your daughter and I just have to say: she knows already. She's old enough to see what is happening and I'm guessing she knows why he went to jail the first time. She's waiting for you to do the right thing. She's waiting for you to choose her over this abusive drug user. I know I was when I was her age. Fwiw, my mom never did choose us over the various scumbags she brought into our lives, and we paid the price for it too.

kella0708

@Christina80xoxo‌ I am so sorry you are going through this. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I skimmed through the posts and saw that you are going to stay with your dad for a while. I'm glad you have family near. If you need additional support or help please look into your local community health centers or WIC office. They can offer or refer you to a place where you can find additional support with people who are trained to deal with domestic abuse situations. You are a strong woman. We are here for you when you need emotional support.

ngolimento

I so sorry you are going through this. I know what hell you are living in. How uplifting the good times are (and addicting), and how scary and crushing the bad times are. I remember the damage of years of insults, sublte undermining, and how it warped all of reality until I didn't know the truth of my own self worth.

Get out. No uncertainty or embarrassment or self-loathing is worth the danger you are in. I didn't get out, despite what everyone told me. I stayed in a dangerous relationship, thinking the same thoughts as you, thinking the shame was too great to leave.

Then the worst happened, and my baby paid the price for it. I cannot describe the guilt to you. The shame I now have for the rest of my life makes what I experienced before nothing. Take it from someone who stayed too long: it is worth every minute of doubt and shame to save your children from violence and harm. Protect them, they are what matters most.

thursday

Sorry this happened to you. It seems like he is a terrible person to have around your children and you are probably better off being without him. Don't be ashamed of having kids without a man around, it is what it is and your safety and happiness as well as your kids is way more important than the just having a guy around who beats you up. You seem like you should seek some counseling for the abuse and shame you feel.

lewispm

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves abuse and I am so glad you recognize that you need to get out, and fast.

I think the way to show your daughter how to be a strong woman is to leave. She may not understand it yet, but one day she will admire your courage and your strength to leave someone you love and pick yourself and your children over that love.

And please, don't be embarrassed. Domestic abuse is such a common, yet very "hush hush" occurrence. Talking to friends and family about it might be the best thing for you right now. I think you will be surprised that they will reach out to you out of love and support you during this time. You need them, and most likely some counseling, to help you get through this. Good luck and I admire your courage for taking the steps to leave this abusive man.

 

rm2013

What chaysefaith and PPs said exactly. Don't be ashamed, glad you got the heck out of there, and that is the best thing you can do for your daughter to teach her this is not right or acceptable.

most of all dont blame yourself or be afraid to ask for help. And when it gets tough, remember you are doing the best thing for both of your children.

ashleyrh661

I don't have anything to add that PP haven't already said. So sorry this is happening to you. But the best thing you can do for your daughter and the baby is leave. Do not let your children grow up in that environment where is ok to abuse a woman. Don't let them learn that hitting is love. It's not. You are so strong. Find that strength for you and your children. Reach out to a support group. You can do it. You have already taken the first step.

tigerlily2015

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. PPs have offered you some great advice. I want to reiterate that you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I'm so glad that you are getting out of this situation. 

I really think that by getting out of this situation, you are setting a good example for your daughter. You are showing her the proper way to react if, heaven forbid, she would ever be a relationship with an abuser in the future. You are teaching her about self-respect, how to set and maintain boundaries, and how to protect one's children.  

bakingmama123

You have some great advice from PP's, just wanted to tell you that you are in my T's and P's. Sending you all my internet hugs, you can do this! 

wishiwaspreggo

OP, I do work with our local shelter for women and children in domestic violence situations.  If you want to PM me and tell me where you are I can connect you with resources.  Even if you don't have family who can shelter you, there are places you can go where you and your kids will be protected.  Like others said, you have no reason to be embarrassed.  This is NOT your fault.  Abusers like to make it sound like it is, though.  Anyone from an outside situation will not judge you at all for what happened.  Do not take any blame for this.  Your boyfriend/spouse is the ONLY person responsible for his behavior and he clearly can't handle being a good partner and father.

cinderella105

I'm so so sorry you're going through this.. I was in an abusive marriage for 5 years and it took me almost losing my life before I finally got out of it. I have 2 kids with the guy and now he's not in their lives at all due to drugs. Now this baby on the way is with another guy I've been with for a while who started showing alarming signs (not like my ex husband but definitely not acceptable) and we recently broke up because it was best for my kids and for me. Now he's not even involved in this pregnancy and I don't know that he will be. You just have to do what's best for your safety and your family and fuck the judgements that come with it. Especially in your situation with how much danger you're in, please seek help and get out of there. PM me if you need someone to talk to. I know what you're going through and you have my biggest hugs.

janda426

Do you have marks on you? If so take photos of them. Take photos of the room if he made a mess. Document everything. Please call the cops if you haven't already. Hitting a pregnant woman is usually charged as a felony if I'm correct. If he did this to you he WILL do it again, and he will almost definitely hit your kids. Please do what you have to to get away from him. You and your kids deserve better. And don't ever let him make you think YOURE breaking up the family by taking action- it's his fucking fault he can't be a man and keep his hands off you. Please let this be it. Don't give him another chance. There are men out there who will worship the ground you walk on and would rather walk off a cliff before laying a hand on you. Hell, you don't even need a man. But just know they aren't all like this. I'm gonna PM you details on why your daughter won't think anything less of you.

You have all our support. Please take advantage of it, were all here for you!

Christina80xoxo

Thank you all so much. He always sweet talks me back. The good times with him are the best I ever had. The bad times are so so bad. You're right. I don't want my daughter to have this happen to her, or have him turn on her someday. I would fall apart if he hurt me so bad I lost my baby
I'll get help
I love him so much it hurts (
But I love my kids more

babybird0623

Your daughter will be fine, honestly there's no need to explain anything other than the fact that you and him are no longer together. My mom was in a very abusive relationship most of my adolescent life and went back to him repeatedly. The only thing it did to me was to make me a much stronger women than my mom ever was, watching all that happened has made me very adamant about the fact that the first time my SO lays his hands on me will be the last. Trust me when I tell you that your daughter is goin to grow up wanting to make sure she never puts herself or her own children in that situation. It's not your fault, it's his and you need to remember that. Men like to make us think that they have changed for a while to get us back and then end up right back to how they were and it's harder for us to walk away after that because most women are convinced that if he changed before he can again. He's a manipulator. Tell your family, if they love you they will support you no matter what.

wendyld

babybird0623 said:

Your daughter will be fine, honestly there's no need to explain anything other than the fact that you and him are no longer together. My mom was in a very abusive relationship most of my adolescent life and went back to him repeatedly. The only thing it did to me was to make me a much stronger women than my mom ever was, watching all that happened has made me very adamant about the fact that the first time my SO lays his hands on me will be the last. Trust me when I tell you that your daughter is goin to grow up wanting to make sure she never puts herself or her own children in that situation. It's not your fault, it's his and you need to remember that. Men like to make us think that they have changed for a while to get us back and then end up right back to how they were and it's harder for us to walk away after that because most women are convinced that if he changed before he can again. He's a manipulator. Tell your family, if they love you they will support you no matter what.

She may not want to ever put herself or her children in that situation, but she's statistically much more likely to do just that if you stay.

wishiwaspreggo

Christina80xoxo said:

Thank you all so much. He always sweet talks me back. The good times with him are the best I ever had. The bad times are so so bad. You're right. I don't want my daughter to have this happen to her, or have him turn on her someday. I would fall apart if he hurt me so bad I lost my baby I'll get help I love him so much it hurts ( But I love my kids more

The bolded is very, very common in abusive relationships.  This is how abusers keep control.  It's horrible, manipulative, insidious, and wrong, but it's how they think.  When they're so sweet it's very hard to imagine them abusing you again.  Then the other shoe drops and you're back to square one.  I'm really sorry you're going through this.  No woman deserves it.  You have our support.  I really hope you're able to get the help you need and find a good man who will respect and take care of you and your kids.

Chris&Ang

Don't be embarrassed. You didn't ask for this, and certainly do not deserve it. Like most people's comments, I would contact the police. You, your daughter and your baby's safety should be priority. Also, you may be able to find some kind of local guidance/support group to help you. I don't know you but I'm sure you are a strong woman. Stronger than you may feel right now! Thinking of you!!! Please keep us posted!

janda426

I really hope you've contacted the police by now. He committed a serious crime and really needs to pay the price.

Christina80xoxo

Yes, things are in motion. Trying to be strong because the idiot in me wants him home. The mommy in me is making me push forward.
Trying to do it quietly so I can explain to my daughter when I can do it without losing my shit

janda426

Christina80xoxo said:

Yes, things are in motion. Trying to be strong because the idiot in me wants him home. The mommy in me is making me push forward.
Trying to do it quietly so I can explain to my daughter when I can do it without losing my shit

I know it's hard but this happened, AGAIN, and you thought he changed before and he just proved his true colors yet again. This cycle will never end. I can't imagine how difficult this must be but sometimes the hardest thing to do and the right thing are the same. Hugs to you. You're not alone.

Christina80xoxo

It won't stop. I finally got it. When it happened two years ago, he had started doing drugs. He almost killed me. It was bad. I don't know why I forgave him. I blamed the drugs, not him. Which was wrong. I guess that cycle theory is true. Now I have to break it. No matter how bad it hurts. I want more for my kids

jnowosielski

You can do this! We are all behind you.

Christina80xoxo

Thank you all for being supportive. It's helping me get the courage to talk to my family about what happened.

YorkieLove4

Pretty much all of what everyone else said but emphasis on telling friends and family. My Aunt did this after a second time abuse from her bf. She went back to him the first time but after a second brutal beating she notified family and friends. She said it was for accountability on her behalf, which looking back is so important. Family and friends will fight for you (not literally). If you can please seek that support. Best of luck and yes keep us posted. ETA: added not literally.

xMina4x

You are doing the right thing, don't doubt yourself. If at any point he starts sweet talking you and you're feeling a little weak, ask yourself if this is what you want your children to see and accept as okay, you'd be surprised the amount of resolve that thought alone will give you. Please also remember that there are people who want nothing but the best for you and are supporting you even though you've never met them before

JCWhitey

Like chaysefaith I waited until he left for work, packed up my stuff, grabbed my dog, and left.  I went five hours away and didn't tell anyone where I was going.  I left signed divorce papers on the kitchen table.  Luckily he never tried to track me down or anything.  It's the scariest thing I've ever done but also the most wonderful thing I'd ever done.  I felt free.  If you don't have family and friends nearby Google the local women's shelter in your area.  They usually will give you access to legal assistance, get in touch with the police to help you file a report, counselors, other moms going through what you are going through, etc.  They are fabulous places!  

And whatever you do, do NOT think that you can't do better!  You can!  Even with two kids and being 33.  You are still young, a good man won't care if you have children!!  And even being single is better than being abused and scared.