super sad day: semi-vent

kk1160

How do you cope with someone else pretty much raising your child?

I seriously have no friends or family to talk to about this. I'm the only one with a job and it really sucks.

TheBorg7of9

Ummmm

[Deleted User]

Oh, God. 

[Deleted User]

I am not even playing with this trolly question.  Or the shitty question you posted on SAHM. 

[Deleted User]

But seriously.  She just asked this on SAHM minutes before trolling here...

I am not at all posting this to be rude to anyone or stir up trouble. I genuinely want to know and am seeking a different perspective that might change my outlook on what I do... "I really don't have it so bad".

Explain to me why you feel your SAHM job is difficult. Please do not reply if you work part-time or bring in any sort of income whatsoever. Again, not trying to stir up trouble, but I only have feedback from friends and they seem to have it pretty easy.

TIA,
a working mom

[Deleted User]

MrsMuq said:

If you're gonna troll, at least be a bit more inventive.

Word.  I am insulted more by the lack of creativity than the "raise your kid" bit.

mlee116

kk1160 said:

I seriously have no friends or family to talk to about this. 

Hmmm, I wonder why?

[Deleted User]

Before you give her too much credit, she just told SAHM that we (WM) told her to pose that question to the SAHM board.  

So yeah.  Troll. 

welly01

@kk1160, I don't think you're a troll.  However, it would be helpful if you could actually reply to your threads and give us more detail about why you're feeling so stressed and unhappy.

Being a WM does not equal someone else raising your kid (and for general purposes, using that phrase will PISS OFF all the WM's).  Similar to a response you got on the SAHM board, being a mom PERIOD is tough. WM's and SAHM's both have pros and cons to their lifestyle and each make sacrifices for their kids.  Every mother has to make a decision about whether to work or not and do what is best for their family.

Are you unhappy with your daycare?  Are you feeling overwhelmed by housework and DH is not supportive?  Is LO going through a rough stage where they're crying when you drop them off?  Is your commute stressful and/or long (based on where you live/work, yes!)?

If you could offer some specific gripes about why you're feeling the way you are, I believe this board can and will be supportive.

kk1160

beaubecca said:

I also think these questions are stirring up trouble; however, the OP also posted last month on the toddler board about having working mom blues. So perhaps she is really just having a rough time and needs perspective.

But OP get it together - no one else is raising your kid. Believe it or not, children DO survive daycare. Some of us even believe that working outside the home is setting just as good an example for our children as staying home with them. I'm sorry you don't have a strong network at home - I feel that way too sometimes.

I really appreciate this. I feel better knowing there are other moms out there who feel like I do. Yes, I wish I could be at home, but it's just not in the cards for us. I am genuinely looking for someone to talk to besides my own friends and I was in no way 'trolling'. Someone who can relate.

Sorry I stirred up so much trouble... I'm at my desk in disbelief that people can be so heartless. I've learned that I may not have the best way with words, but it's usually the 'guilty' ones that get angry first.

[Deleted User]

Ha.  I have no guilt.  I would do boarding preschool if I could find it. 

Being a SAHM is a tough job.  Way harder than I want right now.

welly01

@kk1160, feel free to PM me.

welly01

Inkogneetoh said:

@welly336 you really think she's not a troll?  Look at this from her post on SAHM:

kk1160 said:

Again, this is not to judge anyone. It was suggested to me to come to this board (from the working mom's board) to get a different outlook. That being a working mom is just as hard as being a SAHM.

I'm curious to hear about your struggles. Your frustrations. Is there a schedule you follow? Do you homeschool your littles?

Seriously, It's an innocent inquiry. My only feedback is from friends that do literally nothing and complain their lives are SO HARD. None of them have ever had to lift a finger and I'm over here busting my ass at this place I call hell to make ends meet. What makes being a working mom difficult? Someone else is raising my child. I get to spend about 2 hours with him daily if I'm lucky.

If anything, they're the ones you should be frustrated with. They're the type of people that makes us working moms hate most non-working moms. I'm here to change my own mind.

Yes, I saw this.

welly01

amy052006 said:

Her post history is amazing.

I guess I missed something when I looked.  :-/

[Deleted User]

Ok, everyone take out their Troll Bingo Card.  We are sure to have a winner soon.  

kk1160

welly336 said:

@kk1160, I don't think you're a troll.  However, it would be helpful if you could actually reply to your threads and give us more detail about why you're feeling so stressed and unhappy.

Are you unhappy with your daycare?  Are you feeling overwhelmed by housework and DH is not supportive?  Is LO going through a rough stage where they're crying when you drop them off?  Is your commute stressful and/or long (based on where you live/work, yes!)?

If you could offer some specific gripes about why you're feeling the way you are, I believe this board can and will be supportive.

Sorry, ladies - I'm at work in between customers. Just having a really rough day and for some stupid reason, thought this would be a good idea. Guess not.

I work 40+ hours a week with an hour to 1.5 hour commute each way. Weekends are full of things I could not fit into the m-f routine. My MIL is our daycare, so that's free and wonderful (who would have guesses she's not so bad). Of course housework is overwhelming. We've recently downsized all our closets to minimize our laundry each week. That's been a HUGE releif. I really don't know how 3 people can go through so many clothes. DH was an only child, so he doesn't really do much to help. His mom still does more than she should for her 'prince'.

In all honesty, I probably do need to seek counseling, but it's a matter of time/money to do so. I'm just trying to find others in a similar situation. I really thought the bump would be one huge support group and this is why I'm here.

[Deleted User]

welly336 said:

amy052006 said:

Her post history is amazing.

I guess I missed something when I looked.  :-/

It was really easy to spot.  Like, painfully easy.

Speshul

WAHM and SAHM are both hard but when you make it work for you and are generally happy with your life it looks easy to other people...and may incite bitterness in others.  This is true for many aspects of life. 

[Deleted User]

It is kind of funny that she tried to ignite a WM v SAHM 

cjcouple said:

welly336 said:

amy052006 said:

Her post history is amazing.

I guess I missed something when I looked.  :-/

Violence in the work place, MIL Drama, and she is a gun owning family who is very comfortable taking out an intruder!!!!! 

She flat out lied about her trolling on the SAHM board.  Did you miss where she said we told her to ask why they had it so easy?  Because we did not say that.

I mean, if you want to believe her have at it.  But it's rather clear she isn't interested in actual advice. 

[Deleted User]

I hear Shakeology is life changing.  

jellybean529

kk1160 said:

How do you cope with someone else pretty much raising your child?

I seriously have no friends or family to talk to about this. I'm the only one with a job and it really sucks.

I haven't read the other replies but um....I don't. Because I'm raising my child. I just happen to have the help of some other people. In fact, I'm also a single parent, so I'm grateful for the help of DD's caretakers, even if I'm paying them.

kk1160

cjcouple said:

kk1160 said:

welly336 said:

@kk1160, I don't think you're a troll.  However, it would be helpful if you could actually reply to your threads and give us more detail about why you're feeling so stressed and unhappy.

Are you unhappy with your daycare?  Are you feeling overwhelmed by housework and DH is not supportive?  Is LO going through a rough stage where they're crying when you drop them off?  Is your commute stressful and/or long (based on where you live/work, yes!)?

If you could offer some specific gripes about why you're feeling the way you are, I believe this board can and will be supportive.

Sorry, ladies - I'm at work in between customers. Just having a really rough day and for some stupid reason, thought this would be a good idea. Guess not.

I work 40+ hours a week with an hour to 1.5 hour commute each way. Weekends are full of things I could not fit into the m-f routine. My MIL is our daycare, so that's free and wonderful (who would have guesses she's not so bad). Of course housework is overwhelming. We've recently downsized all our closets to minimize our laundry each week. That's been a HUGE releif. I really don't know how 3 people can go through so many clothes. DH was an only child, so he doesn't really do much to help. His mom still does more than she should for her 'prince'.

In all honesty, I probably do need to seek counseling, but it's a matter of time/money to do so. I'm just trying to find others in a similar situation. I really thought the bump would be one huge support group and this is why I'm here.

Ok, laundry and housework does not diminish when you are a SAHP, if anything it increases.  I know, I have been both. You also don't have endless time to get it done either.  You're busy caring for your child.  

working that far is difficult.  I have done that too.  1.5-2 hrs each way and I almost had a breakdown.  I really think you need to consider looking elsewhere for a job or moving closer to where you work.  You may have to pay for child care but it's a temp expense.  

and seriously, stop comparing.  

Again, Just trying to get another perspective. Thank you for being civil. You have the outlook from both sides, which is wonderful for me to hear. My advice-givers/support are very one sided. Most of them come from priveledged upbringing, I come from a small farming town where you work for what you want. It's a different lifestyle here than home.

I had a second interview yesterday and it looks promising. Commute is still the same, though. It's been over two years of the same drive and it starts to wear you down. I've tried rearranging my routine in the morning to where I can do some things in the car, but one near-miss-accident scared me right back into my old niche.

[Deleted User]

Why did you tell the SAHM board that the WM board told you to ask "Explain to me why you feel your SAHM job is difficult"? 

kk1160

OMG you don't give up do you...let me find the very nice person who suggested...

kk1160

• Report Quote · Love it Reply
• FarmingBride

  member

  June 30
  I get much support from the working mom's board here as well.  Depending on what you are having a difficult time with, but I also like to go to the stay at home mom board as well.  I was raised by a work at home/stay at home mom so some days I get frustrated and wish I was on the other side of the fence.  I go to both boards depending on what I am struggling with.  Sometimes going to the stay at home mom board really makes me open my eyes to the fact that they have their own struggles as well.  There is always pros and cons to each side.  Hope you are having a better day

  Report Quote · Love it Reply

kk1160

cjcouple said:

welly336 said:

amy052006 said:

Her post history is amazing.

I guess I missed something when I looked.  :-/

Violence in the work place, MIL Drama, and she is a gun owning family who is very comfortable taking out an intruder!!!!! 

On particularly rough days, I come here seeking peace. Hoping that someone can relate and give advice.

My family's values/morals/beliefs and the decision to have firearms in our home shouldn't matter. Yes, I will take out an intruder to protect my family.

[Deleted User]

That was 12-24 months and that is not at all what she said to do.  

My sincere advice- figure out what will make you happy and work on a plan to make it happen.  

kk1160

Darbie914 said:

KK, look, I can understand where you are coming from.  My commute is about an hour each way and I agree, it sucks.  It sucks to get home only to have to scramble to make dinner, give DD a bath, and try to spend some quality time with her before she goes to bed.  It's not nearly enough as I would like but it is what it is.  I try to make myself feel better about the situation by knowing that my efforts will pay off for our family in the future.  DH and I have to work together to provide for our family and there is no way we could afford for me to stay home.  So I try to find little ways to make it better and you should, too.

I often compare myself to other people in my life that do seem to have things a little easier.  It's something that I have to work on everyday.  At times, it's hard not to compare because you are working so hard to get where you want to be and it seems like it comes a little easier and faster for others.  

But we don't know the details of their lives and we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Like a PP said, when you are passionate about something, it makes it much easier to go for it and make it work so on the outside, it seems almost effortless.

Good luck on your interview.  

Appreciated. Thank you.

spring_time

kk1160 said:

welly336 said:

@kk1160, I don't think you're a troll.  However, it would be helpful if you could actually reply to your threads and give us more detail about why you're feeling so stressed and unhappy.

Are you unhappy with your daycare?  Are you feeling overwhelmed by housework and DH is not supportive?  Is LO going through a rough stage where they're crying when you drop them off?  Is your commute stressful and/or long (based on where you live/work, yes!)?

If you could offer some specific gripes about why you're feeling the way you are, I believe this board can and will be supportive.

Sorry, ladies - I'm at work in between customers. Just having a really rough day and for some stupid reason, thought this would be a good idea. Guess not.

I work 40+ hours a week with an hour to 1.5 hour commute each way. Weekends are full of things I could not fit into the m-f routine. My MIL is our daycare, so that's free and wonderful (who would have guesses she's not so bad). Of course housework is overwhelming. We've recently downsized all our closets to minimize our laundry each week. That's been a HUGE releif. I really don't know how 3 people can go through so many clothes. DH was an only child, so he doesn't really do much to help. His mom still does more than she should for her 'prince'.

In all honesty, I probably do need to seek counseling, but it's a matter of time/money to do so. I'm just trying to find others in a similar situation. I really thought the bump would be one huge support group and this is why I'm here.

So this is a workable answer.  Being a SAHP is not more difficult than being a WM.  It is difficult in a different way.  One is not more difficult than the other.  I can best explain it by saying that me staying at home makes our family life easier.  I am able to do the laundry during the week rather than on the weekend.  I can clean the house during the week, which is something that I hired out when I was working. I can get all the grocery shopping done during the week, and fit in all the appointments.  I can make sure my kids eat healthy meals as opposed to the convenience food I threw together when I was working.  All this together frees up our weekends so DH and I are not fighting for time to get our individual chores done.  The weekends are for family time, and time for DH to get his projects done without interruption. 

I say all this knowing that other working parents manage these issues better than I did.  As I said, it is dependent on your situation and your relationship with your spouse. Our family's division of labor was more like 70/30 when I was working.  It is still about 70/30, but I am now not also trying to juggle a full time job.  Some people have a more equal division of labor, and neither spouse becomes overwhelmed.

However, staying at home makes some things more difficult.  We definitely go through more laundry, and it takes longer. Making three meals a day means that I am constantly making a meal, eating a meal, and cleaning up after a meal.  Since more meals are being eaten, that means more grocery shopping with two children in tow. Instead of taking 2 hours just to clean the downstairs, it takes 4 hours split between 2 days because kids are on my heels.  The house is a constant source of frustration.  I clean up, and the kids leave a trail of destruction behind.  I clean up again, and they destroy.  It goes on multiple times during the day.  Every task doubles in time.  Additionally, there is the whole taking care of the kids thing. At a daycare, their sole purpose is to watch your child for 8 hours.  They are not paying bills, making appointments, managing preschool/enrichment classes/library/park, or working from home while also entertaining kids.

Your child's quirks and personality are adorable in 2 hour chunks.  By 4:30pm the non-stop chatter, bickering, forts, traps, squealing, etc. will eventually wear on your nerves.  When DH comes home, sometimes I just want to throw the children at him and get out of the house, but he has just worked a full day.  That means that I am still "on the job" well into the evening while he unwinds.  He will usually relieve me of one child, but I typically have at least one kid with me from the time they get up until the time they go to bed.

None of this is to suggest that life as a SAHM is more difficult than being a working mom.  However, I have found areas of difficulty in both worlds.  This is just what works best for my family.

kk1160

MarlaSinger& said:

That was 12-24 months and that is not at all what she said to do.  

My sincere advice- figure out what will make you happy and work on a plan to make it happen.  

My bad - I took it as something different than what was meant then. Thanks for proving me wrong.

[Deleted User]

The only easy day was yesterday.  

For all parents.  

kk1160

spring_time said:

kk1160 said:

welly336 said:

@kk1160, I don't think you're a troll.  However, it would be helpful if you could actually reply to your threads and give us more detail about why you're feeling so stressed and unhappy.

Are you unhappy with your daycare?  Are you feeling overwhelmed by housework and DH is not supportive?  Is LO going through a rough stage where they're crying when you drop them off?  Is your commute stressful and/or long (based on where you live/work, yes!)?

If you could offer some specific gripes about why you're feeling the way you are, I believe this board can and will be supportive.

Sorry, ladies - I'm at work in between customers. Just having a really rough day and for some stupid reason, thought this would be a good idea. Guess not.

I work 40+ hours a week with an hour to 1.5 hour commute each way. Weekends are full of things I could not fit into the m-f routine. My MIL is our daycare, so that's free and wonderful (who would have guesses she's not so bad). Of course housework is overwhelming. We've recently downsized all our closets to minimize our laundry each week. That's been a HUGE releif. I really don't know how 3 people can go through so many clothes. DH was an only child, so he doesn't really do much to help. His mom still does more than she should for her 'prince'.

In all honesty, I probably do need to seek counseling, but it's a matter of time/money to do so. I'm just trying to find others in a similar situation. I really thought the bump would be one huge support group and this is why I'm here.

So this is a workable answer.  Being a SAHP is not more difficult than being a WM.  It is difficult in a different way.  One is not more difficult than the other.  I can best explain it by saying that me staying at home makes our family life easier.  I am able to do the laundry during the week rather than on the weekend.  I can clean the house during the week, which is something that I hired out when I was working. I can get all the grocery shopping done during the week, and fit in all the appointments.  I can make sure my kids eat healthy meals as opposed to the convenience food I threw together when I was working.  All this together frees up our weekends so DH and I are not fighting for time to get our individual chores done.  The weekends are for family time, and time for DH to get his projects done without interruption. 

I say all this knowing that other working parents manage these issues better than I did.  As I said, it is dependent on your situation and your relationship with your spouse. Our family's division of labor was more like 70/30 when I was working.  It is still about 70/30, but I am not also trying to juggle a full time job.  Some people have a more equal division of labor and neither spouse becomes overwhelmed.

However, staying at home makes some things more difficult.  We definitely go through more laundry, and it takes longer. Making three meals a day means that I am constantly making a meal, eating a meal, and cleaning up after a meal.  Since more meals are being eaten, that means more grocery shopping with two children in tow. Instead of taking 2 hours just to clean the downstairs, it takes 4 hours split between 2 days because kids are on my heels.  The house is a constant source of frustration.  I clean up, and the kids leave a trail of destruction behind.  I clean up again, and they destroy.  It goes on multiple times during the day.  Every task doubles in time.  Additionally, there is the whole taking care of the kids thing. At a daycare, their sole purpose is to watch your child for 8 hours.  They are not paying bills, making appointments, managing preschool/enrichment classes/library/park, or working from home while also entertaining kids.

Your child's quirks and personality are adorable in 2 hour chunks.  By 4:30pm the non-stop chatter, bickering, forts, traps, squealing, etc. will eventually wear on your nerves.  When DH comes home, sometimes I just want to throw the children at him and get out of the house, but he has just worked a full day.  That means that I am still "on the job" well into the evening while he unwinds.  He will usually relieve me of one child, but I typically have at least one kid with me from the time they get up until the time they go to bed.

None of this is to suggest that life as a SAHM is more difficult than being a working mom.  However, I have found areas of difficulty in both worlds.  This is just what works best for my family.

THIS. Thank you... I don't know why that was so hard for anyone else. Thank you thank you thank you. And you gave me a good laugh there at the end

jellybean529

Darbie914 said:

K3am said:

Holy batman. Being a working mom IS hard. Being a SAHM IS hard. Being a MOM is hard. Period. 

Working is hard. Being unemployed is hard. Being underemployed is hard. Hell, managing to find time to make sure I have clean underwear on a regular basis is hard. 

Life is hard. Put your big girl panties on and get over it. 

This.

At the end of the day, we're all drinking wine, right?

You just reminded me I need to stop at the store on the way home...

mlee116

K3am said:

Holy batman. Being a working mom IS hard. Being a SAHM IS hard. Being a MOM is hard. Period. 

Working is hard. Being unemployed is hard. Being underemployed is hard. Hell, managing to find time to make sure I have clean underwear on a regular basis is hard. 

Life is hard. Put your big girl panties on and get over it. 

This x100.  Every situation is hard, but in different ways.  It sounds like you are really idealizing and oversimplifying being a SAHM.  Your tone also comes off as really condescending and honestly, just plain rude in this post and the one on SAHM.  If you want advice, this is a great board but don't come on here with that kind of OP and expect people to be nice to you.

welly01

My family's values/morals/beliefs and the decision to have firearms in our home shouldn't matter. Yes, I will take out an intruder to protect my family.


Totally agree with you and we do the same.

kk1160

amy052006 said:

OMG it is so hard because you appraoched it as a raging bitch

I approached this as a depressed mother who doesn't feel like she's doing a good job as a mom. Im sorry you and everyone else took it the wrong way.

kk1160

MrsMuq said:

kk1160 said:

cjcouple said:

welly336 said:

amy052006 said:

Her post history is amazing.

I guess I missed something when I looked.  :-/

Violence in the work place, MIL Drama, and she is a gun owning family who is very comfortable taking out an intruder!!!!! 

On particularly rough days, I come here seeking peace. Hoping that someone can relate and give advice.

My family's values/morals/beliefs and the decision to have firearms in our home shouldn't matter. Yes, I will take out an intruder to protect my family.



You're probably more likely to shoot yourself in the foot than actually hit an intruder in your home in the dark.


I'm sure an untrained shooter would. There are classes. Research before you assume.

mlee116

kk1160 said:

OMG it is so hard because you appraoched it as a raging bitch

I approached this as a depressed mother who doesn't feel like she's doing a good job as a mom. Im sorry you and everyone else took it the wrong way.

After coming on here and basically saying flat out that none of us are raising our kids, this is how your apology should sound:

I approached this as a depressed mother who doesn't feel like she's doing a good job as a mom.  I'm sorry that I came across the way that I did because it was insensitive.

Don't put the blame on us for your rude question.

welly01

amy052006 said:

FWIW, you might find life less stressful without a loaded gun in the house with kids.

I know guns in general are a hot topic and you're absolutely entitled to your opinion but having a loaded gun in my house honestly makes me feel safer. It is possible to safely have guns and kids in the same house

Speshul

There were a lot of insults in this post and the one on SAHM board. You had a chance to apologize and offered a fake apology putting the blame on others. Being depressed is not a green light to be rude to others. Please go see a counselor or doctor for depression, we are not in any place to help you. 

kk1160

I decided to seek answers to DIFFERENT topics on DIFFERENT boards. Majority of you took it wrong, and as trolling. Sure, I may have said some things later on in the SAHM conversation, but how would you feel if EVERYONE came at you with hostility? It was an innocent question taken out of context. You were offended, I was offended. Lets all get over that and move on.

This is a different subject entirely. SAHM, go back you your corner of the ring. This post is not for you. It never was, but you came here anyway just to be mean. I see that as trolling. I also think it's really strange for you to go perusing in my past conversations to have some sort of leverage? WTH? Who does that?? Why does no one take things for face value anymore?

The Bump is a place for all of us to be supportive. We're all moms, we're all doing what we can. Some days we feel like we're not the best at what we do. Some days we do judge others (sometimes rightfully so, knowing the situations). So I'm not good with wording things... Get over it. So my posts are few and far between... Get over it. So you don't like that I have guns in my house... Get over it. I've been to counseling. I've been on medication. I've attempted suicide in my younger years. WHY WOULD YOU BE SO HATEFUL TO SOMEONE WHO IS IN NEED OF SUPPORT?? Isn't that why we're here anyway?