marriage help

kelly0connor0213

DH is really depressed lately. We are currently living in his parents house (separate basement apartment) till our house is ready to be moved into. Which is about 1 more month. We've been in TIGHT living quarters to say the least since July 13'. 

Today seemed to be the breaking point. 

My husband is saying some scary stuff like he's rethinking the choice of becoming a parent and nothing makes him happy anymore. 

I am so drained and have no idea what to do. I need prayers and advice stat. 

I haven't stopped crying all day. 

DCKate

Has he seen a psychiatrist? Getting help for his depression would be my first suggestion. I started seeing one in January and taking Lexapro. I still feel like myself, but I feel so much better equipped to deal with everything.

Things will be much better when you're in your own house, but those problems won't disappear just because you moved out.

Thinking of you. Feel free to PM if you want to talk!

spainy17

First I want to say I am so sorry.  It is so hard to be married when one spouse is going through a hard time because it makes it harder on everyone. 

Living in tight quarters is rough no matter how good the relationships.  Does your DH voice why he is feeling depressed about being a parent?  Is it just money/house related or just lack of space/freedom, etc?  My DH basically had a depressive meltdown when DD was about 2-6 months old and I can completely relate.  We had numerous issues with her from the start and basically being a parent was harder and more consuming than he thought it would be and he just did not know how to cope.  It was so so hard.  He acted out and was basically being a douche and the only thing that got us through it was me holding him accountable and yet staying with him through it.  With time it slowly got better and while I don't think parenting will ever be easy on him we are in a much better place. 

You say that you get to move in a month.  Does your gut say that the move will be enough to make it better?  If so I would just try to keep reassuring him and talking about how excited you are to have your own space, etc., and hope that he starts to come around.  If it is deeper than that is there anyone he can talk to? 

Lastly I would make sure you are taking care of your needs too.  having a depressed spouse is awful and it kind of sucked me down there too for a while.  I leaned on my mom for support and tried to take time to catch a break and it really helped.  You are not alone.  We have been together for nearly a decade and known each other almost twice that and having children still threw us completely off. 

ReeceFamily

My DH suffers from some sort of cyclical depression (we are in the process of getting  a diagnosis and help), so I understand how frustrating/hard it is to live with a depressed spouse.  Does he have a history of depression, or does it seem to just be linked to your particular situation?  

I can recommend two books:  How You Can Survive When they are Depressed:  Living and Coping with Depression Fallout (Anne Sheffield) and Talking to Depression, Simple Ways to Connect When Someone in Your Life is Depressed (Claudia Strauss).   Whenever I'm getting sucked into his depression vortex (which is super easy to do) I have learned to stop and remind myself that it is his depression talking, not him!  That helps me to stay neutral so I can stay sane and be more supportive to him.  Do something nice for yourself and try to get him to go to counseling...and go to counseling yourself if you need to!  Both of you need support to get through this.  Hugs!

kelly0connor0213

I am at my wits end honestly. He's  saying things to me that kill my soul. Basically saying he's not sure if parenting is for him. Isn't sure he wants to move into our new home, hates life, jealous of the baby and my attention that goes to her.  I think he wants our "old" life back. 

I want nothing of the sort. Being a Mom completed my being. I've never felt more whole. He's basically my HSSH, so we've been together 15+ years. Been through a lot together, but I feel like every things falls apart. He's negativity is starting to bring me down, and I am SOOOO not a down person.

I really don't know what to do.. seems to be only getting worse. 

jobiann

Like PP said, I think you both need individual counseling and couples counseling. You're right, you cannot be in a one sided relationship, it's not healthy for any of you, especially your DD. Please take care of yourself and that little girl and try your best to get help for your H. Sometimes others accept help when they are ready for help, he may not be ready yet. I'm sorry you have to go through this.