Just a message to those who are still cooking...

slmille4

... Relax!
I was so nervous that I would have this baby and left to my own devices as soon as I had her. Nurses are amazing and pop in all the time to see how we're doing. They make you feel so comfortable to ask anything I was not nervous to ask for help with breast feeding at all and they helped with positioning and latching so much. Also anytime she was fussy they tried stuff with us to figure it out, especially with DD complete and utter meltdown last night that we were at our wits end about.
I just wanted to give you guys some re-assurance. This is not a test u have to remember everything.

kiki1978

Our L&D nurses were awesome too! They would help us all the time.  One night, Adam was really fussy, and they took him for the night so we could get some sleep. I felt really bad about it at the time, but the nurses told me that people do it all the time and that they did it too when they gave birth.

katags

I thought you were referring to actual cooking and going to warn us not to. I don't know how we would eat otherwise! Ha. At least I kept it simple with spaghetti tonight

mj0413

katags said:

I thought you were referring to actual cooking and going to warn us not to. I don't know how we would eat otherwise! Ha. At least I kept it simple with spaghetti tonight

Haha I thought the same thing! I was like, why do we need to relax?? Not that I'm cooking (food at least).

peanutmuse

@simille4, I am certain it's not intentional and I'm trying not to get too irritated when I read these posts, but I have to say something. Your threads lately (specifically this one and the 35 weekers one) have come off as extremely condescending. I tried to be light and joke about it in my response to your 35 weeker thread, but I don't think it registered. So I'm saying it outright this time.

Others may disagree with me and find posts like this helpful and nice. Here's the thing, though: just because you had a good experience does not mean that others will have the same, unfortunately. KWIM?

Toribaker171

I agree with PP, this post and the 35 weeker post kind of rubbed me wrong... They do come off very condescending. Every pregnancy/ birth experience won't be the same as yours, so telling us to "relax" may not help everyone.

On another note, I'm glad you had a such helpful nurses! Hopefully everyone who's left will have equally great experiences.

slmille4

@peanutmuse. I was not trying to be condescending at all. As a ftm I was so nervous going into this whole experience that I would be completely lost and I know other ftm had a ton of questions and didn't know what to expect and I was just saying it's ok and that u won't be just left to your own devices immediately after birth. And as far as the 35 weekers one. How the heck was that condescending???? That was a vent post about being 38 weeks and at my wits end!!! Seriously peanut I know uve had a rough go but I go on this board to vent, say my peace and maybe give some insight and u have been very cranky sometimes toward my posts. I know things can get lost in translation in the text world sometimes but I am probably the least condescending person in the world. Call it post partum hormones or the fact that I'm only getting 1 hour of sleep at a time but I'm gonna say it. You can be just plain mean sometimes, in the past I've stood up for u saying she is just a day her peace kind of person but I'm starting to rethink this. I am totally lost at how this post was condescending. I wasn't calling anyone names or said they were being dumb for thinking it I was just trying to give hope.

ChuggingWater

I need to find this 35 seeker post.

::blames DS2 for missing posts::

Also peace =\= piece

slmille4

ChuggingWater said:

I need to find this 35 seeker post.

::blames DS2 for missing posts::

Also peace =\= piece

Huh, guess I never thought about which piece/peace it was in that saying.
The 35 weeker post was just me venting about at 38/39 weeks all the things ppl were telling me EVERYDAY repeatitevely. I have no idea how it came off condescending. I guess because I didn't mention it happens before then too.

katags

slmille4 said:

I need to find this 35 seeker post. ::blames DS2 for missing posts:: Also peace =\= piece

Huh, guess I never thought about which piece/peace it was in that saying. The 35 weeker post was just me venting about at 38/39 weeks all the things ppl were telling me EVERYDAY repeatitevely. I have no idea how it came off condescending. I guess because I didn't mention it happens before then too.

I think some people could find it condescending because it almost comes across as bragging. "I'm 38 weeks and you're only 35 and look at all I have experienced in that time. I'm so much farther ahead than you." This post technically could read the same way. "I've had my baby already and you haven't! It was wonderful! You'll love it!" I don't know if this is what @peanutmuse meant by condescending. She did raise the point also that you ave to keep in mind not everyone will experience the things you do. Not all hospitals or nurses are the same. So telling someone to "just relax" is a little annoying, especially someone who has had a bad experience already at their hospital (like peanut did). But FWIW, I always hate being told to "just relax" or "get over it" or "don't worry about it" because it makes me feel like my fears and concerns aren't important or valid. I was not offended by either post that has been brought up. My due date is before yours so the 35weeker post didn't phase me. This one I just thought was odd and unnecessary since as was mentioned, your experience and my (hopefully really soon) experience will be nothing alike. ***sorry for the wall of text. I just got an iPad and haven't figured out formatting on it.***

kw42775

ChuggingWater said:

I need to find this 35 seeker post.

::blames DS2 for missing posts::

Also peace =\= piece

@chuggingwater, I can't figure out how to link it since I'm mobile (I had to look for it earlier)...I totally tried to, though.

peanutmuse

slmille4 said:

@peanutmuse. I was not trying to be condescending at all. As a ftm I was so nervous going into this whole experience that I would be completely lost and I know other ftm had a ton of questions and didn't know what to expect and I was just saying it's ok and that u won't be just left to your own devices immediately after birth.


And as far as the 35 weekers one. How the heck was that condescending???? *snip*

1) The key part to all of it is that if people have questions, they will ask them. Your posts have been addressing questions that no one actually asked.

2) Your 35 weeker post is clearly meant to be talking to people who are less pregnant than you as if you are in a place of superior knowledge of what people are going to do and say within a few weeks.

Both of these two threads are extremely similar to the people in our lives who come up to us and offer unsolicited advice and pregnancy, labor, child-rearing, etc. You may think that you have some perspective that will be helpful to those who are not as far along or haven't given birth yet; but so does the aunt who e-mailed me yesterday & told me to watch what I eat just in case I go into labor, or the person who comes up to me in the grocery store and tells me to eat spicy food to trigger labor, or the cousin who says to try sex, etc., etc., etc.

If someone actually ASKS those questions, it's completely appropriate to answer them with your experiences. However, to start a thread that is just basically saying, "let me tell you how it's going to be, whether you want me to or not" is rude and condescending.

(The definition of the verb condescend: to behave as if one is conscious of descending from a superior position, rank, or dignity.)

Edited to take out an extra word. Oops.

peanutmuse

slmille4 said:

 Seriously peanut I know uve had a rough go but I go on this board to vent, say my peace and maybe give some insight and u have been very cranky sometimes toward my posts. I know things can get lost in translation in the text world sometimes but I am probably the least condescending person in the world. Call it post partum hormones or the fact that I'm only getting 1 hour of sleep at a time but I'm gonna say it. You can be just plain mean sometimes, in the past I've stood up for u saying she is just a day her peace kind of person but I'm starting to rethink this. I am totally lost at how this post was condescending. I wasn't calling anyone names or said they were being dumb for thinking it I was just trying to give hope.

And I am going to address this part separately.

First bolded part -- I vehemently disagree with your opinion of yourself as being the least condescending person. I am, as I said, certain that it's unintentional. But it's still there.

Second bolded part -- for the upteenth time, stating an opinion and/or feelings on a subject is not the same thing as being mean.

SunflowersBride

I just wanted to say that I completely agree with @peanutmuse, and I also found this thread to be condescending when I read it last night.  I chose to ignore it rather than post a response at the time, but I am glad to see that I wasn't the only one who was rubbed the wrong way.  I'm sure you aren't consciously being condescending, but I think it's important to consider what other people are telling you about how these threads have come across, and perhaps really try and see how other people view them.

susieandmarty

esd said:

@slmille4 I'm sure your intentions were good and I can appreciate that. I will admit that as a 3rd time mom, I did laugh a little at your post. Every delivery is different and every hospital stay is different.

As a second time mom waiting for #2, I also giggled a little. It's all different and a week or two out really does not give wisdom or perspective that needs to be announced. Obviously use your experience to answer people's questions but sometimes, and I wish mil would learn this, it is far better to be asked then to volunteer.

Op- I am sure you meant nothing by this post and that you are just excited for your experience and baby but for those if us, especially impatient ones like me, it is annoying. Imagine if someone called you before you were In Labor and said - relax, I had this experience so you do not need to worry. Enjoy your experience, revel in it but don't tell the rest if us waiting to relax. Hope that makes sense. As for me my first experience was great and tough and I expect a different experience this time.

ChuggingWater

Will someone please link the 35 week thread!

Please and thank you.

1017Shannon

While your intention I'm sure was nice, I had an awful experience with my nurses with my first baby and I really don't think everyone will unfortunately have a good experience so it does come across as look at me yay I had an awesome time. Which like I said the only reason that irritates me is because I had such a shitty time and that's my only frame of reference.

ccip82

I was informed that I need to bring my own wipes, pads, and diapers to my hospital. I will also be sharing a toilet and maternity ward with up to five other women and DH will have limited visiting hours...

So yeah, I am not really relaxed at this point and having nice nurses, while it would help, is not exactly easing my anxiety.

Edited for grammar

susieandmarty

ccip82 said:

I was informed that I need to bring my own wipes, pads, and diapers to my hospital. I will also be sharing a toilet and maternity with up to five other women. and DH will have limited visiting hours...

So yeah, I am not really relaxed at this point and having nice nurses, while it would help, is not exactly easing my anxiety.

Edited for grammar

That sucks

LuGal623

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12210957/35-weekers-this-is-what-you-have-to-look-forward-to#latest

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said but here's the link to the other post @chuggingwater

mj0413

ccip82 said:

I was informed that I need to bring my own wipes, pads, and diapers to my hospital. I will also be sharing a toilet and maternity ward with up to five other women and DH will have limited visiting hours...

So yeah, I am not really relaxed at this point and having nice nurses, while it would help, is not exactly easing my anxiety.

Edited for grammar

Ugh. I'm sorry. I'd be super anxious, too. Positive vibes your way!

mrspharmd

SunflowersBride said:

I just wanted to say that I completely agree with @peanutmuse, and I also found this thread to be condescending when I read it last night.  I chose to ignore it rather than post a response at the time, but I am glad to see that I wasn't the only one who was rubbed the wrong way.

This is me exactly.

Deblondie1

Damn. I closed this thread as soon as I opened it because I figured I'd be the only one who found it obnoxious, pointless, and annoying. I'm glad to know I'm actually in good company.

my5sons

OP, I get that you're intentions were good and you just meant to be encouraging, even if others took it the wrong way. Your heart was in the right place.

slmille4

Ok so I guess a public forum is not the place to say everything is going to be ok and give reassurance to people. My bad.
None of my posts have ever been meant to be condescending or think I know it all. The 35 week one was meant to be a humorous omg this is what I've been dealing with.
This one was hey ladies as a first time mom who was three days ago freaking out I just wanted to give support and let everyone know it will be ok.
My husband always asks me who I'm texting and I always say no one talking to the people on the bump. I thought we were always a good group and never really attacked people.... Now I feel like u all think my posts are pointless and condescending. So if u guys don't see me here again that's why. I just don't think my post pregnancy hormones can deal with this. But seriously for those of you who were like oh she's full of crap why don't you say, glad you JUST had a baby and it was a good experience but mine might not go as well or didn't I had crappy nurses.....
Go ahead flame away.

peanutmuse

You are being extremely melodramatic, @simille4. Like way over the top. I hope you're not doing that so that people will beg you to stay. No one ever said that every single post of yours was pointless or condescending. I pointed out TWO, that's all. The word "pointless" was never used, and no one ever said you were full of crap. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and put your big girl panties on.

The thing is, you haven't even acknowledged any type of understanding about what I (and others) have said about your two posts. You've responded by essentially throwing a virtual temper tantrum. So that says to me that you truly don't get it. Maybe you should come back to this thread in a day or two when your head is clear and read it again.  But seriously, stop with the melodrama and histrionics.

slmille4

No melodrama just not letting it go because I don't feel I did anything worn just as u don't. I'm just also lettin you know that hurtful things were said and maybe sometimes you should think about how you affect people.
The only thing I feel I did wrong was put an exclamation point on relax to give the impression I was yelling to relax instead I was putting emphasis on it.

peanutmuse

slmille4 said:

No melodrama just not letting it go because I don't feel I did anything worn just as u don't. I'm just also lettin you know that hurtful things were said and maybe sometimes you should think about how you affect people. The only thing I feel I did wrong was put an exclamation point on relax to give the impression I was yelling to relax instead I was putting emphasis on it.

@simille4 -- you have seriously misinterpreted what has happened here. My reaction had nothing to do with a stupid explanation point. For crissakes, that is absolutely ridiculous. Do you really not understand what you are doing that is bugging me (and others)??

Also, FTR -- I never said you did something wrong. I said you did something that bothered me. There is a difference. I also acknowledged that it was not intentional on your part.

I think that you are more embarrassed because what you thought was a nice gesture was not taken as such by some of us, than truly having hurt feelings. Or maybe your feelings are hurt because you feel as though I (and others) have turned against you. That is not the case. All you need to do is acknowledge what we have said. Or at the very least, not try to deny and defend it.

my5sons

@2simille4...you didn't do anything wrong. Some people may have misinterpreted your intentions or took it in a way that you didn't mean. That's not your fault. You tried to explain what you meant and maybe that was misinterpreted as well. I would just let it go and not give it another thought. It's not worth stressing over

csandroo

@aceboom .... you know everyone on this thread has agreed that OP's intentions were good, right? Bullies don't typically say to someone "Hey, I think your intentions are good but just so you're aware your words can come across a bit condescending at times." ... that sounds more like something a friend would say, not a bully  

csandroo

and to the OP -- I actually appreciated the last line of your post that it's not a test where we have to remember everything. That gave me a big sigh of relief. However, I do agree that it might be better to just post sharing your experience rather than write it in a format that sounds like "advice." The hospital I'm delivering at doesn't have a nursery -- they are very much into giving parents their own time with the baby to bond and have minimal interruptions, though you can request to see a lactation consultant. So my experience will probably not be like yours. IMO I would just keep in mind what PP's have said about how you format your posts and keep on being a part of the community if it has been helpful to you thus far.

peanutmuse

@aceboom -- she certainly can ignore the valid feedback that was given here, and just continue to post whatever comes into her brain without a thought of how it might be received. But, of course, if she ignores it, she will continue to irritate people. So there's that. I mean, if she pops in again with another condescending statement, you can bet your ass that people will notice and say something.

I also think that you have had a major reading comprehension fail, since it was mentioned several times that we knew her intentions were good.

But nice try to you and @my5sons. It's always cute when people who don't really know anything about the dynamics of this board pop in and try to change things. Cute and useless.

slmille4

I am very sorry to anyone who thought this post was condescending. It was not my intention. I don't know what else to say besides that. But to PPs it's almost as you are saying "well who asked you?!"
I tend to write as not OMG you guuyyyysssss I just had an awesome experience in the hospital!!!! Personally I thought it would be helpful because like I said as a ftm I was freaked 3 days ago even after asking a million questions on here or thought Id have to ask a million questions on here and wait for a response.
So again I'm sorry if it came off as condescending but I don't feel like it deserves the tongue lashing I got.

slmille4

carisue143 said:

and to the OP -- I actually appreciated the last line of your post that it's not a test where we have to remember everything. That gave me a big sigh of relief. However, I do agree that it might be better to just post sharing your experience rather than write it in a format that sounds like "advice." The hospital I'm delivering at doesn't have a nursery -- they are very much into giving parents their own time with the baby to bond and have minimal interruptions, though you can request to see a lactation consultant. So my experience will probably not be like yours. IMO I would just keep in mind what PP's have said about how you format your posts and keep on being a part of the community if it has been helpful to you thus far.

Does your hospital offer a small "nursery" option? Ours was very big on rooming in too but they le us know they offer to take them from 11 to 6 in a small room off the nicu if the parents needed rest even though it's not truly a nursery ppl can come visit or see the babies at.

my5sons

OP, you have nothing to apologize for.

peanutmuse

slmille4 said:

*snip*

 But to PPs it's almost as you are saying "well who asked you?!"

*snip*

So again I'm sorry if it came off as condescending but I don't feel like it deserves the tongue lashing I got.

Addressing the above two statements:

1) Well, yeah -- that pretty much is exactly what I was saying. Because really, who did ask you?

2) This is the first time within this thread that you have acknowledged and/or apologized for anything. If you had done that from the beginning, it wouldn't have reached this point. Or at the very least, if you didn't try to argue and defend it repeatedly, it would have ended.

Oh yeah -- and this was not a tongue lashing. Again with the melodrama.

csandroo

@my5sons .... everyone did/does think her intentions are good.

my5sons

Um, I DID read the whole thread, and I don't consider being nice to the OP 'crusading blindly'. The OP didn't need a lecture. Maybe people should stop taking things the wrong way instead od assuming the worst. Seriously.

peanutmuse

my5sons said:

Yes, I guess those who prefer to be rude and snarky would see being nice to someone and giving them the benefit of the doubt as 'cute and useless'. Just because people misinterpreted what the OP said as being condescending, doesn't mean that she WAS. Some people take things the wrong way, and maybe instead of getting annoyed about it should instead give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions were good. In which case, makes the whole thing not worth getting annoyed over.

@my5sons

...or maybe we can have open and honest communication. That's what I will pick 99.99% of the time.

And again with the damn intentions. FFS, I have repeatedly said that I knew her intentions were good. Find new material. The whole point of this was the fact that she didn't realize that what she was doing could rub people the wrong way. If it's not pointed out, she'll just continue to do it. I let it go the first time, but since she did it again so soon, it clearly was a pattern of behavior. One that others noticed too.

Also, being blunt and brutally honest =/= being mean. I feel like a damn broken record on that topic.

peanutmuse

my5sons said:

Um, I DID read the whole thread, and I don't consider being nice to the OP 'crusading blindly'. The OP didn't need a lecture. Maybe people should stop taking things the wrong way instead od assuming the worst. Seriously.

FFS. I just can't with this one.

Morenajuliet

How can I get the last 5 minutes of my life back from reading this board. Oh well.......first world argument?
FWIW OP Im glad you had a positive experience, that's excellent. Everyone's experience is different though so until I go through my own experience it does kinda put me on the defense when someone tells me to relax. Should it? Who knows and oh well. We move on.