Vent: So tired of the "mommy martyr" routine.. — The Bump
April 2014 Moms

Vent: So tired of the "mommy martyr" routine..

I have a few friends who are constantly posting on facebook about how they have "no time" for themselves and can't even get a shower/shave, let alone put on real clothes or cook a full meal.  They always say its because their baby won't let them put it down for the 10 minutes they need to shower or to eat a hot meal.  Most of them only have one child, usually under 5 and they're almost always stay at home moms.  I've started referring to it as "mommy martyr syndrome" and I really don't think its real.  DS is almost 11 months old and I can count on one hand the number of days I couldn't take a shower, put on real clothes, a little makeup and leave the house not looking like I just rolled out of bed if I wanted to..  Yeah, some days I chose not to or I was sick, but its never been because my son 'wouldn't let me'.  Same thing with eating.  When he was a newborn, I definitely ate lunch at weird times (mid afternoon naptime breakfast anyone?), but I never forced myself to eat a cold meal.  Does anyone else feel like letting your baby control your life from birth is a bad idea?    Unless you are a single mom I can almost guarantee there is some time of day when there is another adult in the house, so you should be able to bathe, and it doesn't take that long at all to put on something other than your pajamas- most babies will play for a minute or two alone. 

Mom of 2 little gentlemen and one more on the way

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cfthoct292011hordolJulianneJacks[Deleted User]Scarlett&GatsbyNlocilentokateleestar[Deleted User]mandacannlisabugg444ModishMomIsrafel

Re: Vent: So tired of the "mommy martyr" routine..

  • I guess it really depends on the baby/toddler. 

    I wish I could say with complete certainty that I'll be able to do all those things, but for all I know my child is going to be a disaster. 
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  • Yea, they are full of it....I'm a SAHM and the only time I don't get stuff done is when I'm watching TV and playing a game on my phone, has nothing to do with my kids. I would feel guilty blaming it on them lol! I'm team, throw that baby in the crib and jump in the shower if you need to! My husband travels a TON for work, so unlike most SAHM's I don't get another person coming home to help me in the evenings, so those posts really annoy me. I never complain on FB, people use FB like a Dear Diary sometimes, so ridiculous.
  • Jan 14 SAHM lurker chiming in...

    I 100% agree with you!  Maybe I just have an easy baby, but I have never not been able to get something done because of him.  Does he like it when I put him in his crib so I can poop?  No, but mama has to do what mama has to do. 
    AcaAwkwardhordol[Deleted User]kateleestar
  • Yeah it really depends! My baby was a never let you out her down kind of kid.
    Mama to a little girl born July 2011 and a little boy born April 2014! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I agree. I was a single mom for number one. And I still was able to shower and eat. Sometimes I had to put the baby in the swing or exersaucer on the floor of the bathroom but I was still able to take care of my basic needs.
    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • @colleenswerb I have the same thought/worry! My first was amazing and much easier than I expected. I worry that number two will be the devil baby haha.
    [Deleted User]
  • Yep- good plan!
  • One piece of advice I found to be very important is to never judge another mother. Unless the child is in danger or something. It is super easy to judge but until you've been in her shoes you don't know for sure if she's exaggerating or not. I'd avoid wasting time dwelling on things like that particularly because you could be that mom someday, you just never know.

    That being said, I had a very needy baby who we held 24/7 for the first 2 months. I had a hard time listening to him scream while I showered. I would just wait until DH came home to do anything productive. I could put him in the moby or ergo for short periods of time but still couldnt accomplish much. DH works very long hours at certain times of the year and was not always available to help a lot.

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    micaelasmakeuppete0121
  • OP go check out STFUParents.com. It'll make you feel better. I have a running pact with a girlfriend of mine that if we ever do anything that will land us on that website we will call each other out.
    2014-08-24 15.36.57-2  2014-08-23 17.20.12
    2014-08-24 15.22.00  2014-08-20 12.19.26
      
    Fell in Love: January 2003 
    Married: May 2006
    Baby Girl Born: April 2014
    If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you: 
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    ksulliJulianneJacksRogue237
  • With my first I def had a harder time scheduling 'me' time.  I felt I HAD to be with DS every second and listening to him scream in his bouncer while I showered honestly made me crazy.  Like I started crying. It wasn't even that he was bad, I was just over whelmed.  But I figured it out soon enough.  The second kid was much easier, but I think a lot of that was bc I didn't feel guilty about letting HIM have 'me' time.  

    And I think all bets are off in the newborn stage, good baby or not.  Seriously, I would much rather sleep than shower those first few weeks.  BUT after that, scheduling personal time is a MUST for mom and baby. Seriously.   Everyone ends up happier.  

    But yes, some moms love to be victims and martyrs.  Worth an eye roll for sure. But I try not to judge bc I know I occasionally have those days where I look a haggard mess and I'm running for the tub as soon as DH gets home. 



    TNMomma

    Two Boys with #3 on the way!

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    [Deleted User]
  • amhah09 said:

    I was that mom with my first born. Acid reflux. Never slept. Screamed all.the.time. Wasn't content with being put down. Hated being carried. Breastfed all the time to soothe his belly that was constantly in pain. Constant projectile vomiting. Constant ear infections. I wasn't a single mom but my husband works long hours. Any time I had to shower or cook I used to sleep.

    I actually had an easier time with 2u2 because at least my daughter liked being in the Moby and she wasn't a sickling.

    Don't judge those moms. It's not always mommy martyr syndrome. Sometimes other women's babies are quite a bit more demanding. And some women prefer to comfort their crying newborns instead of letting it scream and cry in a bouncy seat so she can curl her hair. I find that to be a bit more selfish.

    Were you constantly on FB? I do judge moms who are constantly on the Internet because if they can spend over 2 hours uploading millions of pics (I'm old and remember when photos couldnt be downloadef in a flash) and commenting on statuses the baby can't be that demanding.

    I agree with your point that it's not always mommy martyr syndrome and of course some babies are difficult - but mommy martyr syndrome definitely exists.

    On a side note I've also noticed that mommy martyrs have an uncanny ability to whine about their lives in front of people who are struggling with infertility. Some people really need a lesson in knowing who their audience is.
    When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
    dandelioness13
  • Dude, I can't really talk because both of my kids have been awesome/easy since Day One. We've seriously had no trouble except that they both started teething early, and teething can be a bitch.

    I think there are some things I'm "good at" when it comes to parenting that makes my life easier, but there are definitely harder babies in the world. I have a friend with seriously the hardest baby ever. I've babysat that kid for only a couple agonizing hours and wondered how on earth she does it all day, every day. But she has never once posted some sob story on her FB over it.

    No matter what your situation, it's tacky as hell to complain about your child in a social media setting. If you're having a rough day, call your mom, your sister, your close friend, or someone who you can trust to listen to you vent and support you through it. Posting whiny shit about your family members on FB is trashy, period. It's disrespectful to your children, it paints a poor picture of you as a parent, and it's extremely callous to those of your FB friends who are certainly struggling with IF.

    We all have hard days. Facebook isn't the place to publicize it.

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    Kristy774hordol
  • Some people like to pretend their lives are perfect, some want constant recognition for how hard they have it although they're not doing anything spectacularly different from the rest of us.

    I prefer some general honesty. Life can obviously throw some curve balls, but most of the things you live with are the result of choices you made. Own it, and deal with it.
    *Married 10.10.08*
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    TTC #1 9.09 - BFP#1:2.18.10= missed m/c, D&C 4.16
    BFP#2:10.22.10=Avelin born 7.2.11
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    BiggerinRealLife
  • I think some woman love the drama of complaining. My SIL doesn't work and is in school PT. She gets a military stypened to go to school. Her parents are at her beck and call and take her kids (2boys 4 and 2) constantly all day/ over night because she is just "too stressed out" give me a break. I went to college FT, worked 2 PT jobs and was up all night with 2 boys (I was a nanny) and took care of my 2 elderly aunts. I had to slept in my car in between classes or not sleep at all for days. Every time she complains I want to scream, "OH GIVE ME A BREAK" she has no clue how easy her life is. I wish I could have had her college experience. So woman just want the sympathy. Kids are NOT that hard.
    [Deleted User]
  • Eh I can Facebook and Breast feed at the same time those three hour cluster feeds at night have me lots of time to FB. For some reason I found it hard to shower and BF at the same time must not be talented.

    I was holding DS all day every day in the beginning so FB helped me pass the time while he slept or BFed.


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    Sisimama10
  • amhah09 said:

    I probably was FBing more than people thought I should be. But it's a lot easier to hold an iPhone in one hand and Facebook with a baby on your breast than it is to take a shower in that same situation.

    I get that it's annoying to see those moms complain all the time. If you're saying you're sick of seeing that published on Facebook then I agree with you. If you're saying they're being ridiculous and there's no way it's that hard then I most definitely do not agree.

    Edited: spelling

    We're on the same page. I'm just sick of seeing that stuff published.
    When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
  • I think OP's point is that it's annoying to act like you deserve a medal for dealing with the craziness that is parenthood/motherhood. Yes it is hard and, especially at the beginning it's frustrating not to have the time or the hands to do everything you want, but, at the same time, at some point down the line, if you can't carve out a chunk of time for yourself, you only have yourself to blame.
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    [Deleted User]mandacannBiggerinRealLife
  • I do hate it when people complain about anything on Facebook. Ugh. That being said, there were many times (still are) when I have chosen to forgo a shower because circumstances never lined up. I have a diagnosed case of OCD so my showers never take 5-10 minutes, more like 20 if I'm lucky (I really try to cut it down but it's very hard for me). I feel bad leaving DS in a crib that long, so I wait for my husband to come home, but by that point we have diner, bedtime routine, etc and DS still doesn't sleep through the night so anytime he is sleeping I feel like I need to be sleeping just to catch up on energy (especially being pregnant). I will fully admit that this is my fault and the situation would be better if DS slept more, if I could take a shorter shower etc. I've never had a problem doing other things like cooking dinner, doing makeup because I can supervise a baby and do those things; not so with showering.
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  • Eh it's really easy to judge.
    Married: August 2008
    DS born: February 2013
    TTC #2: Nov. 14
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    Sisimama10[Deleted User]4maddisonAndrewsgal
  • i don't so much have an issue with moms of babies under 18 months who say they can't get anything done.  i remember those days.  my kiddo was HIGH energy and although i fortunately didn't have a reflux or colicky baby, i did have a baby... and any baby is hard work in those first few months.

    i detest when i see moms wearing their emotions on their facebook status.  i block them from my newsfeed.  that, to me, is more offensive than someone feeling like her baby is "hindering" her life.  i remember how hard it was for me with my first baby.  i refuse to judge any mom as not having it together or not prioritizing her "me" time while she is parenting in her first year.  there are plenty of days when i didn't shower or even brush my teeth until my husband came home from work.  that's just how it happened.  my house was a mess, i ate dry cereal and applesauce for my meals, and i was far from put together.
    MelBee12ksulliMyNameWasTakenBiggerinRealLife
  • I will admit I blamed my first baby. The first year I was a mess, I took care of my baby no problem. I read every book, blog, review, etc. I went above and beyond for my LO, but I had a real difficulty taking care of myself. I later realized I was really struggling with post partum depression. I had many days where it took every ounce of energy I had just to shower and a lot of days a shower didn't happen. I honestly thought it was bc of the baby, but it wasn't. It is easy to judge, but if it's a close friend saying this stuff you should recommend to them to talk to their doctor. I wish someone would have told me it is not normal and I wish I would have gotten help sooner.

    *Please don't flame. This is a sensitive subject for me.
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    hordolSisimama10

  • I think OP's point is that it's annoying to act like you deserve a medal for dealing with the craziness that is parenthood/motherhood. Yes it is hard and, especially at the beginning it's frustrating not to have the time or the hands to do everything you want, but, at the same time, at some point down the line, if you can't carve out a chunk of time for yourself, you only have yourself to blame.
    Thanks for getting it.  I never said I judged these moms for how they were handling things, just that I find it obnoxious when they complain about it constantly.  That's what makes you a martyr- the looking for attention for constant things that all of us do at some point, not the act of not having time for yourself.  I guess I should have phrased it differently, but my issue is with the "poor pity me I don't have time for myself because I'm a mom", not with not being showered or having a clean house. 

    Mom of 2 little gentlemen and one more on the way

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    AcaAwkwardJulianneJacks
  • FB is annoying in general, so I quit. I had a baby with colic. Real, true, scream for 12 hours straight without sleeping or eating for 5 months. I had to put her in a crib and go outside, to avoid shaken baby issues. They are all different, everyones situation is different.
    [Deleted User]
  • 4maddison said:

    I will admit I blamed my first baby. The first year I was a mess, I took care of my baby no problem. I read every book, blog, review, etc. I went above and beyond for my LO, but I had a real difficulty taking care of myself. I later realized I was really struggling with post partum depression. I had many days where it took every ounce of energy I had just to shower and a lot of days a shower didn't happen. I honestly thought it was bc of the baby, but it wasn't. It is easy to judge, but if it's a close friend saying this stuff you should recommend to them to talk to their doctor. I wish someone would have told me it is not normal and I wish I would have gotten help sooner.

    *Please don't flame. This is a sensitive subject for me.

    I appreciate you sharing this. <3 definitely something to think about when reading other people's statuses. We don't know what they're going through and maybe motherhood is completely overwhelming to them or they're struggling with postpartum depression like you were. Thanks.
    [Deleted User]
  • i don't disagree with you, but that mom is probably just having a rough day and feeling overwhelmed and reaching out for a little confirmation that she's not completely crazy.  i'm not saying blame the baby but hopefully that's not her intent.  i've been there where you want to talk and don't know who to go to so facebook is kind of a good blanket of trying to reach some people and regain some sanity.

    if she's a repeat offender and you're annoyed--that's the beauty of facebook.  delete....
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