April 2014 Moms
katiedidthat
member
Vent: So tired of the "mommy martyr" routine..
katiedidthat
member
I have a few friends who are constantly posting on facebook about how they have "no time" for themselves and can't even get a shower/shave, let alone put on real clothes or cook a full meal. They always say its because their baby won't let them put it down for the 10 minutes they need to shower or to eat a hot meal. Most of them only have one child, usually under 5 and they're almost always stay at home moms. I've started referring to it as "mommy martyr syndrome" and I really don't think its real. DS is almost 11 months old and I can count on one hand the number of days I couldn't take a shower, put on real clothes, a little makeup and leave the house not looking like I just rolled out of bed if I wanted to.. Yeah, some days I chose not to or I was sick, but its never been because my son 'wouldn't let me'. Same thing with eating. When he was a newborn, I definitely ate lunch at weird times (mid afternoon naptime breakfast anyone?), but I never forced myself to eat a cold meal. Does anyone else feel like letting your baby control your life from birth is a bad idea? Unless you are a single mom I can almost guarantee there is some time of day when there is another adult in the house, so you should be able to bathe, and it doesn't take that long at all to put on something other than your pajamas- most babies will play for a minute or two alone.
Mom of 2 little gentlemen and one more on the way
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Re: Vent: So tired of the "mommy martyr" routine..
DS, May 2011
Babies nap...or can be put down in a bouncy seat while you shower. Even if they fuss the whole time, they will survive the 5-10 minutes it takes to wash your hair. Infants can be worn while making dinner and doing chores. Babies and toddlers can play with small toys or books or crayons in a highchair or "organize" your Tupperware drawer while you do something for yourself or complete a task. Independent play is an important skill for kids, and it's important for parents' sanity as well.
SAHMing is sometimes physically and mentally exhausting... but it's not rocket science, y'all.
I actually had an easier time with 2u2 because at least my daughter liked being in the Moby and she wasn't a sickling.
Don't judge those moms. It's not always mommy martyr syndrome. Sometimes other women's babies are quite a bit more demanding. And some women prefer to comfort their crying newborns instead of letting it scream and cry in a bouncy seat so she can curl her hair. I find that to be a bit more selfish.
DD is a WAY easier toddler than she was baby -- she was extremely clingy, breastfed for hours on end, hated being put down, and was a terrible sleeper. And I was more than happy to soothe and hold/carry her for the majority of the day/night. But I still managed to prioritize a 5 minute shower if I really wanted to shower. I cooked and straightened with her tucked in a carrier. I exercised with her in a carrier. Not all these things everyday, but when I absolutely needed/wanted to do something, I did it.
And I doubt I'll be eating my words with my second, my son wasn't an 'easy' baby by any means- you just have to be good at time management, and my husband works 13 hour days but he is willing to put 10 minutes aside when he gets home so I can do what I need to do. He made the baby too, he can sacrifice a few minutes a day for my sanity. Yes- that may mean showering at 3am, but at least I'm getting a shower.
That being said, I had a very needy baby who we held 24/7 for the first 2 months. I had a hard time listening to him scream while I showered. I would just wait until DH came home to do anything productive. I could put him in the moby or ergo for short periods of time but still couldnt accomplish much. DH works very long hours at certain times of the year and was not always available to help a lot.
Baby Girl Born: April 2014
If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you:
I agree with your point that it's not always mommy martyr syndrome and of course some babies are difficult - but mommy martyr syndrome definitely exists.
On a side note I've also noticed that mommy martyrs have an uncanny ability to whine about their lives in front of people who are struggling with infertility. Some people really need a lesson in knowing who their audience is.
I think I get what you're saying, but I roll my eyes even harder at the moms who maintain that they get it all done all the time. I call bullshit.
Dude, I can't really talk because both of my kids have been awesome/easy since Day One. We've seriously had no trouble except that they both started teething early, and teething can be a bitch.
I think there are some things I'm "good at" when it comes to parenting that makes my life easier, but there are definitely harder babies in the world. I have a friend with seriously the hardest baby ever. I've babysat that kid for only a couple agonizing hours and wondered how on earth she does it all day, every day. But she has never once posted some sob story on her FB over it.
No matter what your situation, it's tacky as hell to complain about your child in a social media setting. If you're having a rough day, call your mom, your sister, your close friend, or someone who you can trust to listen to you vent and support you through it. Posting whiny shit about your family members on FB is trashy, period. It's disrespectful to your children, it paints a poor picture of you as a parent, and it's extremely callous to those of your FB friends who are certainly struggling with IF.
We all have hard days. Facebook isn't the place to publicize it.
I prefer some general honesty. Life can obviously throw some curve balls, but most of the things you live with are the result of choices you made. Own it, and deal with it.
I get that it's annoying to see those moms complain all the time. If you're saying you're sick of seeing that published on Facebook then I agree with you. If you're saying they're being ridiculous and there's no way it's that hard then I most definitely do not agree.
Edited: spelling
DS born: February 2013
TTC #2: Nov. 14
Chemical pregnancy 09/16/15
BFP: 12/25/15 EDD: 09/04/16
i detest when i see moms wearing their emotions on their facebook status. i block them from my newsfeed. that, to me, is more offensive than someone feeling like her baby is "hindering" her life. i remember how hard it was for me with my first baby. i refuse to judge any mom as not having it together or not prioritizing her "me" time while she is parenting in her first year. there are plenty of days when i didn't shower or even brush my teeth until my husband came home from work. that's just how it happened. my house was a mess, i ate dry cereal and applesauce for my meals, and i was far from put together.
*Please don't flame. This is a sensitive subject for me.
Thanks for getting it. I never said I judged these moms for how they were handling things, just that I find it obnoxious when they complain about it constantly. That's what makes you a martyr- the looking for attention for constant things that all of us do at some point, not the act of not having time for yourself. I guess I should have phrased it differently, but my issue is with the "poor pity me I don't have time for myself because I'm a mom", not with not being showered or having a clean house.