I have a few friends who are constantly posting on facebook about how they have "no time" for themselves and can't even get a shower/shave, let alone put on real clothes or cook a full meal. They always say its because their baby won't let them put it down for the 10 minutes they need to shower or to eat a hot meal. Most of them only have one child, usually under 5 and they're almost always stay at home moms. I've started referring to it as "mommy martyr syndrome" and I really don't think its real. DS is almost 11 months old and I can count on one hand the number of days I couldn't take a shower, put on real clothes, a little makeup and leave the house not looking like I just rolled out of bed if I wanted to.. Yeah, some days I chose not to or I was sick, but its never been because my son 'wouldn't let me'. Same thing with eating. When he was a newborn, I definitely ate lunch at weird times (mid afternoon naptime breakfast anyone?), but I never forced myself to eat a cold meal. Does anyone else feel like letting your baby control your life from birth is a bad idea? Unless you are a single mom I can almost guarantee there is some time of day when there is another adult in the house, so you should be able to bathe, and it doesn't take that long at all to put on something other than your pajamas- most babies will play for a minute or two alone.
I figure that people that like this must have husbands that are useless I have also never had a problem getting a shower, though DH is great and as capable (sometimes more so) than me.
I also hate when people use kids as the excuse why they are always late. I get sometimes stuff happens with the kid and they could be late. But every time is poor planning. I was always told I'd see when I had a kid. Um, no. I start trying to get out the door earlier and show up on time (as a general rule, of course I'm not perfect).
These are the same women who post status updates like "mommies don't get sick days" and, frankly, I'm embarrassed to be lumped into the same SAHM category with them.
Babies nap...or can be put down in a bouncy seat while you shower. Even if they fuss the whole time, they will survive the 5-10 minutes it takes to wash your hair. Infants can be worn while making dinner and doing chores. Babies and toddlers can play with small toys or books or crayons in a highchair or "organize" your Tupperware drawer while you do something for yourself or complete a task. Independent play is an important skill for kids, and it's important for parents' sanity as well.
SAHMing is sometimes physically and mentally exhausting... but it's not rocket science, y'all.
Eh you have one kid which means you have experience with one type of kid. My second was a dream baby, he slept, ate and barely cried. My first was hell on earth. She screamed all the time unless she was being held and not in a carrier. I have found in these situations instead of judging them just chalking it up to their kid being different, because who know what your next one. Will be like you maybe eating your words.
Yea, they are full of it....I'm a SAHM and the only time I don't get stuff done is when I'm watching TV and playing a game on my phone, has nothing to do with my kids. I would feel guilty blaming it on them lol! I'm team, throw that baby in the crib and jump in the shower if you need to! My husband travels a TON for work, so unlike most SAHM's I don't get another person coming home to help me in the evenings, so those posts really annoy me. I never complain on FB, people use FB like a Dear Diary sometimes, so ridiculous.
I was that mom with my first born. Acid reflux. Never slept. Screamed all.the.time. Wasn't content with being put down. Hated being carried. Breastfed all the time to soothe his belly that was constantly in pain. Constant projectile vomiting. Constant ear infections. I wasn't a single mom but my husband works long hours. Any time I had to shower or cook I used to sleep.
I actually had an easier time with 2u2 because at least my daughter liked being in the Moby and she wasn't a sickling.
Don't judge those moms. It's not always mommy martyr syndrome. Sometimes other women's babies are quite a bit more demanding. And some women prefer to comfort their crying newborns instead of letting it scream and cry in a bouncy seat so she can curl her hair. I find that to be a bit more selfish.
I 100% agree with you! Maybe I just have an easy baby, but I have never not been able to get something done because of him. Does he like it when I put him in his crib so I can poop? No, but mama has to do what mama has to do.
No one said they were letting babies scream so they could perfect their smoky cat eye -- come on!
DD is a WAY easier toddler than she was baby -- she was extremely clingy, breastfed for hours on end, hated being put down, and was a terrible sleeper. And I was more than happy to soothe and hold/carry her for the majority of the day/night. But I still managed to prioritize a 5 minute shower if I really wanted to shower. I cooked and straightened with her tucked in a carrier. I exercised with her in a carrier. Not all these things everyday, but when I absolutely needed/wanted to do something, I did it.
I was that mom with my first born. Acid reflux. Never slept. Screamed all.the.time. Wasn't content with being put down. Hated being carried. Breastfed all the time to soothe his belly that was constantly in pain. Constant projectile vomiting. Constant ear infections. I wasn't a single mom but my husband works long hours. Any time I had to shower or cook I used to sleep.
I actually had an easier time with 2u2 because at least my daughter liked being in the Moby and she wasn't a sickling.
Don't judge those moms. It's not always mommy martyr syndrome. Sometimes other women's babies are quite a bit more demanding. And some women prefer to comfort their crying newborns instead of letting it scream and cry in a bouncy seat so she can curl her hair. I find that to be a bit more selfish.
I'm sorry you had that experience but I've personally seen with these moms that it isn't like that. These are moms who have time to post to facebook/instagram/pinterest and play candy crush and time to run mom-tographer 'businesses'. I'm not saying you should let your kid cry while you curl your hair- I'm talking about the women who say they can't even WASH their hair. And I'm barely talking about the newborn weeks. Those first 6 weeks? Hell yes I would skip showers if my baby needed me but these women have toddlers and preschoolers and at some point you have to make yourself a priority again.
And I doubt I'll be eating my words with my second, my son wasn't an 'easy' baby by any means- you just have to be good at time management, and my husband works 13 hour days but he is willing to put 10 minutes aside when he gets home so I can do what I need to do. He made the baby too, he can sacrifice a few minutes a day for my sanity. Yes- that may mean showering at 3am, but at least I'm getting a shower.
I agree. I was a single mom for number one. And I still was able to shower and eat. Sometimes I had to put the baby in the swing or exersaucer on the floor of the bathroom but I was still able to take care of my basic needs.
@colleenswerb I have the same thought/worry! My first was amazing and much easier than I expected. I worry that number two will be the devil baby haha.
One piece of advice I found to be very important is to never judge another mother. Unless the child is in danger or something. It is super easy to judge but until you've been in her shoes you don't know for sure if she's exaggerating or not. I'd avoid wasting time dwelling on things like that particularly because you could be that mom someday, you just never know.
That being said, I had a very needy baby who we held 24/7 for the first 2 months. I had a hard time listening to him scream while I showered. I would just wait until DH came home to do anything productive. I could put him in the moby or ergo for short periods of time but still couldnt accomplish much. DH works very long hours at certain times of the year and was not always available to help a lot.
OP go check out STFUParents.com. It'll make you feel better. I have a running pact with a girlfriend of mine that if we ever do anything that will land us on that website we will call each other out.
Fell in Love: January 2003
Married: May 2006
Baby Girl Born: April 2014 If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you:
With my first I def had a harder time scheduling 'me' time. I felt I HAD to be with DS every second and listening to him scream in his bouncer while I showered honestly made me crazy. Like I started crying. It wasn't even that he was bad, I was just over whelmed. But I figured it out soon enough. The second kid was much easier, but I think a lot of that was bc I didn't feel guilty about letting HIM have 'me' time.
And I think all bets are off in the newborn stage, good baby or not. Seriously, I would much rather sleep than shower those first few weeks. BUT after that, scheduling personal time is a MUST for mom and baby. Seriously. Everyone ends up happier.
But yes, some moms love to be victims and martyrs. Worth an eye roll for sure. But I try not to judge bc I know I occasionally have those days where I look a haggard mess and I'm running for the tub as soon as DH gets home.
I was that mom with my first born. Acid reflux. Never slept. Screamed all.the.time. Wasn't content with being put down. Hated being carried. Breastfed all the time to soothe his belly that was constantly in pain. Constant projectile vomiting. Constant ear infections. I wasn't a single mom but my husband works long hours. Any time I had to shower or cook I used to sleep.
I actually had an easier time with 2u2 because at least my daughter liked being in the Moby and she wasn't a sickling.
Don't judge those moms. It's not always mommy martyr syndrome. Sometimes other women's babies are quite a bit more demanding. And some women prefer to comfort their crying newborns instead of letting it scream and cry in a bouncy seat so she can curl her hair. I find that to be a bit more selfish.
Were you constantly on FB? I do judge moms who are constantly on the Internet because if they can spend over 2 hours uploading millions of pics (I'm old and remember when photos couldnt be downloadef in a flash) and commenting on statuses the baby can't be that demanding.
I agree with your point that it's not always mommy martyr syndrome and of course some babies are difficult - but mommy martyr syndrome definitely exists.
On a side note I've also noticed that mommy martyrs have an uncanny ability to whine about their lives in front of people who are struggling with infertility. Some people really need a lesson in knowing who their audience is.
When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
Dude, I can't really talk because both of my kids have been awesome/easy since Day One. We've seriously had no trouble except that they both started teething early, and teething can be a bitch.
I think there are some things I'm "good at" when it comes to parenting that makes my life easier, but there are definitely harder babies in the world. I have a friend with seriously the hardest baby ever. I've babysat that kid for only a couple agonizing hours and wondered how on earth she does it all day, every day. But she has never once posted some sob story on her FB over it.
No matter what your situation, it's tacky as hell to complain about your child in a social media setting. If you're having a rough day, call your mom, your sister, your close friend, or someone who you can trust to listen to you vent and support you through it. Posting whiny shit about your family members on FB is trashy, period. It's disrespectful to your children, it paints a poor picture of you as a parent, and it's extremely callous to those of your FB friends who are certainly struggling with IF.
We all have hard days. Facebook isn't the place to publicize it.
Some people like to pretend their lives are perfect, some want constant recognition for how hard they have it although they're not doing anything spectacularly different from the rest of us.
I prefer some general honesty. Life can obviously throw some curve balls, but most of the things you live with are the result of choices you made. Own it, and deal with it.
I think some woman love the drama of complaining. My SIL doesn't work and is in school PT. She gets a military stypened to go to school. Her parents are at her beck and call and take her kids (2boys 4 and 2) constantly all day/ over night because she is just "too stressed out" give me a break. I went to college FT, worked 2 PT jobs and was up all night with 2 boys (I was a nanny) and took care of my 2 elderly aunts. I had to slept in my car in between classes or not sleep at all for days. Every time she complains I want to scream, "OH GIVE ME A BREAK" she has no clue how easy her life is. I wish I could have had her college experience. So woman just want the sympathy. Kids are NOT that hard.
Eh I can Facebook and Breast feed at the same time those three hour cluster feeds at night have me lots of time to FB. For some reason I found it hard to shower and BF at the same time must not be talented.
I probably was FBing more than people thought I should be. But it's a lot easier to hold an iPhone in one hand and Facebook with a baby on your breast than it is to take a shower in that same situation.
I get that it's annoying to see those moms complain all the time. If you're saying you're sick of seeing that published on Facebook then I agree with you. If you're saying they're being ridiculous and there's no way it's that hard then I most definitely do not agree.
Eh I can Facebook and Breast feed at the same time those three hour cluster feeds at night have me lots of time to FB. For some reason I found it hard to shower and BF at the same time must not be talented.
I was holding DS all day every day in the beginning so FB helped me pass the time while he slept or BFed.
I probably was FBing more than people thought I should be. But it's a lot easier to hold an iPhone in one hand and Facebook with a baby on your breast than it is to take a shower in that same situation.
I get that it's annoying to see those moms complain all the time. If you're saying you're sick of seeing that published on Facebook then I agree with you. If you're saying they're being ridiculous and there's no way it's that hard then I most definitely do not agree.
Edited: spelling
We're on the same page. I'm just sick of seeing that stuff published.
When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
I think OP's point is that it's annoying to act like you deserve a medal for dealing with the craziness that is parenthood/motherhood. Yes it is hard and, especially at the beginning it's frustrating not to have the time or the hands to do everything you want, but, at the same time, at some point down the line, if you can't carve out a chunk of time for yourself, you only have yourself to blame.
I do hate it when people complain about anything on Facebook. Ugh. That being said, there were many times (still are) when I have chosen to forgo a shower because circumstances never lined up. I have a diagnosed case of OCD so my showers never take 5-10 minutes, more like 20 if I'm lucky (I really try to cut it down but it's very hard for me). I feel bad leaving DS in a crib that long, so I wait for my husband to come home, but by that point we have diner, bedtime routine, etc and DS still doesn't sleep through the night so anytime he is sleeping I feel like I need to be sleeping just to catch up on energy (especially being pregnant). I will fully admit that this is my fault and the situation would be better if DS slept more, if I could take a shorter shower etc. I've never had a problem doing other things like cooking dinner, doing makeup because I can supervise a baby and do those things; not so with showering.
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i don't so much have an issue with moms of babies under 18 months who say they can't get anything done. i remember those days. my kiddo was HIGH energy and although i fortunately didn't have a reflux or colicky baby, i did have a baby... and any baby is hard work in those first few months.
i detest when i see moms wearing their emotions on their facebook status. i block them from my newsfeed. that, to me, is more offensive than someone feeling like her baby is "hindering" her life. i remember how hard it was for me with my first baby. i refuse to judge any mom as not having it together or not prioritizing her "me" time while she is parenting in her first year. there are plenty of days when i didn't shower or even brush my teeth until my husband came home from work. that's just how it happened. my house was a mess, i ate dry cereal and applesauce for my meals, and i was far from put together.
I will admit I blamed my first baby. The first year I was a mess, I took care of my baby no problem. I read every book, blog, review, etc. I went above and beyond for my LO, but I had a real difficulty taking care of myself. I later realized I was really struggling with post partum depression. I had many days where it took every ounce of energy I had just to shower and a lot of days a shower didn't happen. I honestly thought it was bc of the baby, but it wasn't. It is easy to judge, but if it's a close friend saying this stuff you should recommend to them to talk to their doctor. I wish someone would have told me it is not normal and I wish I would have gotten help sooner.
*Please don't flame. This is a sensitive subject for me.
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I think OP's point is that it's annoying to act like you deserve a medal for dealing with the craziness that is parenthood/motherhood. Yes it is hard and, especially at the beginning it's frustrating not to have the time or the hands to do everything you want, but, at the same time, at some point down the line, if you can't carve out a chunk of time for yourself, you only have yourself to blame.
Thanks for getting it. I never said I judged these moms for how they were handling things, just that I find it obnoxious when they complain about it constantly. That's what makes you a martyr- the looking for attention for constant things that all of us do at some point, not the act of not having time for yourself. I guess I should have phrased it differently, but my issue is with the "poor pity me I don't have time for myself because I'm a mom", not with not being showered or having a clean house.
FB is annoying in general, so I quit. I had a baby with colic. Real, true, scream for 12 hours straight without sleeping or eating for 5 months. I had to put her in a crib and go outside, to avoid shaken baby issues. They are all different, everyones situation is different.
I will admit I blamed my first baby. The first year I was a mess, I took care of my baby no problem. I read every book, blog, review, etc. I went above and beyond for my LO, but I had a real difficulty taking care of myself. I later realized I was really struggling with post partum depression. I had many days where it took every ounce of energy I had just to shower and a lot of days a shower didn't happen. I honestly thought it was bc of the baby, but it wasn't. It is easy to judge, but if it's a close friend saying this stuff you should recommend to them to talk to their doctor. I wish someone would have told me it is not normal and I wish I would have gotten help sooner.
*Please don't flame. This is a sensitive subject for me.
I appreciate you sharing this. definitely something to think about when reading other people's statuses. We don't know what they're going through and maybe motherhood is completely overwhelming to them or they're struggling with postpartum depression like you were. Thanks.
i don't disagree with you, but that mom is probably just having a rough day and feeling overwhelmed and reaching out for a little confirmation that she's not completely crazy. i'm not saying blame the baby but hopefully that's not her intent. i've been there where you want to talk and don't know who to go to so facebook is kind of a good blanket of trying to reach some people and regain some sanity.
if she's a repeat offender and you're annoyed--that's the beauty of facebook. delete....
Re: Vent: So tired of the "mommy martyr" routine..
DS, May 2011
Babies nap...or can be put down in a bouncy seat while you shower. Even if they fuss the whole time, they will survive the 5-10 minutes it takes to wash your hair. Infants can be worn while making dinner and doing chores. Babies and toddlers can play with small toys or books or crayons in a highchair or "organize" your Tupperware drawer while you do something for yourself or complete a task. Independent play is an important skill for kids, and it's important for parents' sanity as well.
SAHMing is sometimes physically and mentally exhausting... but it's not rocket science, y'all.
I actually had an easier time with 2u2 because at least my daughter liked being in the Moby and she wasn't a sickling.
Don't judge those moms. It's not always mommy martyr syndrome. Sometimes other women's babies are quite a bit more demanding. And some women prefer to comfort their crying newborns instead of letting it scream and cry in a bouncy seat so she can curl her hair. I find that to be a bit more selfish.
DD is a WAY easier toddler than she was baby -- she was extremely clingy, breastfed for hours on end, hated being put down, and was a terrible sleeper. And I was more than happy to soothe and hold/carry her for the majority of the day/night. But I still managed to prioritize a 5 minute shower if I really wanted to shower. I cooked and straightened with her tucked in a carrier. I exercised with her in a carrier. Not all these things everyday, but when I absolutely needed/wanted to do something, I did it.
And I doubt I'll be eating my words with my second, my son wasn't an 'easy' baby by any means- you just have to be good at time management, and my husband works 13 hour days but he is willing to put 10 minutes aside when he gets home so I can do what I need to do. He made the baby too, he can sacrifice a few minutes a day for my sanity. Yes- that may mean showering at 3am, but at least I'm getting a shower.
That being said, I had a very needy baby who we held 24/7 for the first 2 months. I had a hard time listening to him scream while I showered. I would just wait until DH came home to do anything productive. I could put him in the moby or ergo for short periods of time but still couldnt accomplish much. DH works very long hours at certain times of the year and was not always available to help a lot.
Baby Girl Born: April 2014
If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you:
I agree with your point that it's not always mommy martyr syndrome and of course some babies are difficult - but mommy martyr syndrome definitely exists.
On a side note I've also noticed that mommy martyrs have an uncanny ability to whine about their lives in front of people who are struggling with infertility. Some people really need a lesson in knowing who their audience is.
I think I get what you're saying, but I roll my eyes even harder at the moms who maintain that they get it all done all the time. I call bullshit.
Dude, I can't really talk because both of my kids have been awesome/easy since Day One. We've seriously had no trouble except that they both started teething early, and teething can be a bitch.
I think there are some things I'm "good at" when it comes to parenting that makes my life easier, but there are definitely harder babies in the world. I have a friend with seriously the hardest baby ever. I've babysat that kid for only a couple agonizing hours and wondered how on earth she does it all day, every day. But she has never once posted some sob story on her FB over it.
No matter what your situation, it's tacky as hell to complain about your child in a social media setting. If you're having a rough day, call your mom, your sister, your close friend, or someone who you can trust to listen to you vent and support you through it. Posting whiny shit about your family members on FB is trashy, period. It's disrespectful to your children, it paints a poor picture of you as a parent, and it's extremely callous to those of your FB friends who are certainly struggling with IF.
We all have hard days. Facebook isn't the place to publicize it.
I prefer some general honesty. Life can obviously throw some curve balls, but most of the things you live with are the result of choices you made. Own it, and deal with it.
I get that it's annoying to see those moms complain all the time. If you're saying you're sick of seeing that published on Facebook then I agree with you. If you're saying they're being ridiculous and there's no way it's that hard then I most definitely do not agree.
Edited: spelling
DS born: February 2013
TTC #2: Nov. 14
Chemical pregnancy 09/16/15
BFP: 12/25/15 EDD: 09/04/16
i detest when i see moms wearing their emotions on their facebook status. i block them from my newsfeed. that, to me, is more offensive than someone feeling like her baby is "hindering" her life. i remember how hard it was for me with my first baby. i refuse to judge any mom as not having it together or not prioritizing her "me" time while she is parenting in her first year. there are plenty of days when i didn't shower or even brush my teeth until my husband came home from work. that's just how it happened. my house was a mess, i ate dry cereal and applesauce for my meals, and i was far from put together.
*Please don't flame. This is a sensitive subject for me.
Thanks for getting it. I never said I judged these moms for how they were handling things, just that I find it obnoxious when they complain about it constantly. That's what makes you a martyr- the looking for attention for constant things that all of us do at some point, not the act of not having time for yourself. I guess I should have phrased it differently, but my issue is with the "poor pity me I don't have time for myself because I'm a mom", not with not being showered or having a clean house.