Holiday Coping Mechanisms

forevermyfenix · November 2014

Insomnia once again has reared its ugly face and with that comes anxiety about how the holidays will go.

These upcoming holidays will be the first since losing Fenix.

I know I'm not alone in this.

So how do you plan to cope during the holidays. If you're traveling to visit family, what do you plan to do when you need some alone time? Or when you've had it up to your eyeballs and you're about to tell someone to shove their Thankfullness up their ass because we lost our babies?

As for here, I'm having the most anxiety about traveling to my dad's for Christmas. He's in this holy roller kick and I'm not sure how to tell him to shove his religious platitudes because they don't help. The way I imagine it, even saying so in a respectful way means a reaction of even more religiousity of "Let God take your burden and bitterness." Maybe I'm just imagining things worse, but I feel like I've got to prepare myself for the worst.

Sorry, going off in tangents. But anyway. How do you cope with the first holiday season after loss?

buggirl72 · November 2014

I think what you are doing right now (imagining worse case scenarios and asking us for ideas) is a very good first step. You are mentally gearing up.<br>

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I agree with having some sort of "out" planned and to make sure that your H is on board with a signal or phrase. Remember it is okay to take care of yourself and to exit when it gets overwhelming<br>

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You could also just drink your way through the entire event - but turning "every time someone says something asshatty" into a drinking game may not be the most mature way to deal with it.

rslh10 · November 2014

Ladu I just want to give you tons of ((hugs)). I am not looking forward to the holidays either. I AM, but I'm not looking forward to the constant questions. Good luck

Nikolie93 · November 2014

I seem to be ok now but I have a feeling it's going to creep up on me. I had an EDD on 11-13 and I have another one coming up on 12-02. Thanksgiving will be ok I think but there will be another kind of sadness because it's the first Thanksgiving that MH's ex father in law will be celebrating without Nana (she recently passed away, and yes I said his ex father in law. I am also very close to them so they are coming to my house this year..not his ex wife though, that's a whole different level of weird lol ).

Christmas will be another story.
****LC's mentioned****

My SIL just recently had her 3rd baby. It hurts even more because they were ALL unplanned. MH and I are driving up to Northern VA and we will be at his parents house for almost 2 weeks so there is no "going home at the end of the day" for me. To make matters worse there is so much tension with his family. I am pretty much dreading the trip this year

@forevermyfenix sorry that do not have any words of wisdom but wanted to come in here to see if I can take some of the other ladies ideas.

*hugs* to everyone.

forevermyfenix · November 2014

Thank you ladies for all of the suggestions so far. I'll be sure to use some of them.

I think the most difficult thing is that we've been locked into a 19 hour drive to my dad's house and will be staying there a whole week surrounding Christmas. So, leaving isn't really an option. I'm going to try and establish the room we stay in as my "safe place" but there's no guaranteeing my dad wont chase me in there to talk about how much Christ loves me and how Fenix is in a better place. I do like the idea of having a signal to DH though. Definitely will use that.

And if I love tited your post, I'm not loving the anxiety and such, but thanking you for your suggestions and input.

BookishMomma · November 2014

You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. Holidays are a milestone and it's hard not to dwell on what you don't have or "should" have had...

If you're staying at your relatives' house, I'd make sure you have you and your H get out of the house on your own at least once a day, even if it's just to a bookstore or coffee shop for an hour or two. Saying you need to do some last minute Christmas shopping is always a good excuse to get out of the house.

As for the insomnia, do you take a sleep aid? I'm a fan of Ambien when I need it.

forevermyfenix · November 2014

@Bookishmomma , thanks. Thats a good idea to try to get out at least once a day.

As far as the insomnia goes, I was given Ambien to begin with, but it stopped working about 3 days into it. Then it became apparent that I've got PPD, so I was put on an antidepressant that is also supposed to help with sleep. The sleep effect helped for a little while, but didn't work last night for some reason.

BookishMomma · November 2014

forevermyfenix said:

@Bookishmomma , thanks. Thats a good idea to try to get out at least once a day.
As far as the insomnia goes, I was given Ambien to begin with, but it stopped working about 3 days into it. Then it became apparent that I've got PPD, so I was put on an antidepressant that is also supposed to help with sleep. The sleep effect helped for a little while, but didn't work last night for some reason.

Ugh, I'm sorry your insomnia is so bad that even the meds aren't helping. I've been there. I hope that you're able to get some rest soon, hon.

mflowers929 · November 2014

Thanksgiving has already been and gone here and I worked it, so it was a non issue. Christmas we're spending with my in-laws. I know that my situation is pretty unique, because they don't speak English, so MH fields all the questions and will only pass on the mundane stuff.

Littleowl913 · November 2014

@forevermyfenix I'm sorry you're feeling anxiety about going to your dad's for Christmas. Avoiding getting cornered by your dad will probably be hard to do since you're staying at his house. Is your dad the type of person to leave you alone after you say something like -I appreciate your concern and I know it comes from a good place but this is how I'm coping and grieving and that should be respected. Usually once I throw in the word "respect" people tend to leave me alone.

yellowcat10 · November 2014

My family does not even know we are TTC so when they invited themselves to Thanksgiving I had no out. On top of it I just started IVF meds. So H and I decided if I need to go, I will just say I am going running, and disappear for a little bit If that does not work, I will just be a bitch and they will deal. My family does not hold grudges so this is a fine plan for me.

Otherwise it would be vodka.

((HUGS)) I hope it is not as stressful as everyone is fearing, sometimes your family can surprise you and act like decent people... sometimes.

O2girl · November 2014

I drink. Also, I avoid people. Neither of these two things are healthy choices. But it is how I get through sometimes. If I feel up to it I walk.... A lot. Last year and this year I will be in the mountains with H away from family and friends that remind me of my failure to concieve. It's not that they say anything...... It's just that they never say anything and it makes me feel isolated. So I will ski, walk, drink and avoid..... That's my plan

ETA: words are hard sometimes

welly01 · November 2014

I'd just like to throw out there that not going to see family at all is a fine plan, too. If you genuinely don't want to or can't handle being around family, you should have the right to stay home and not feel bad about it. I got tired of arguing with DH's family over where Thanksgiving was going to be, who was bringing what, and dealing with all the hurt feelings those conversations always result in. So we stayed home one year and had our own Thanksgiving. And you know what? It. was. awesome. No rushing around, no sharing all that yummy food, just awesome.

Or just drink all the alcohol.

((((Hugs))) for everyone that will face difficult people or difficult conversations this week.

ellebelle2384 · November 2014

Amybunny30 said:

I have been discussing my own anxiety around this issue recently with my therapist and my husband. Some strategies I've come up with... If you need a break, go to the bathroom. Come up with a few 'stock' responses depending on the situation. One for stubborn family could be, 'I appreciate your concern. I'd rather not discuss this any more. How is ____ going for you?' Have a signal between your H and you and font go too far from each other. When one of you sees the signal, go and 'save' the other. 'Sorry to interrupt, I just need to steal her away for a sec...' Mantra: you get to go home at the end of the day. This helped me more than I thought it would at a family event recently just reminding myself that it was finite helped me take a deep breath. - wine. Huge hugs.

These are great! I will definitely be borrowing some of these!

forevermyfenix · November 2014

@petitchou1019‌ my family does that same Thanksgiving tradition. I always go back to the scene in return to zero (if you haven't seen it and think you can have a movie about stillbirth, I highly recommend it. I think someone actually uploaded a copy of it to YouTube if it's still there). This year I'm going to my grandmother's house. She had a loss as well so I'm betting on she'll be understanding and skip it.

Nikolie93 · November 2014

@ktlovess I'm so sorry you had to hear that from your mom. *hug*

Good for you spending the time with just and and YH. And Higgins will make it a Christmas you will never forget!

I totally expect to see an AW thread from you regarding Higgins when he gets home.

O2girl · November 2014

ktlovess said:
This will be my second Christmas Holidays post loss.

This year, we are playing the "avoid everything at all costs" game. Last Christmas sucked because my family can be kind of weird and insensitive. This Thanksgiving, we spent it with friends (it has already passed for us as I am in Canada). I got the whole talk about how it was really mean of me to not spend it with family....

This Christmas, it will be just my husband and I, with Higgins (because he comes home Saturday!). That's all. We don't want to drive on Christmas eve for 3-4 hours given the roads will likely be shitty. I need some time to myself. I spent a lot of last Christmas being pissed off and upset. I don't want that this year at all.

ETA - on the weekend my parents were here. I was telling my mom how some things are still hard post loss, but I'm doing way better, and she said in a SUPER snarky voice "you just HAVE to get over what happened". WTF? I told her it's like telling her to get over the loss of her dog... and then upped it to the loss of her mother (I felt like a bitch after doing this as my mom is STILL not over the loss of her mother, which happened like 30 years ago). I DO NOT want to have to deal with shit like this at Christmas.

Ugh! Hugs sweets. That is something I believe my mom said to me too!

Km380 · November 2014

Last Thanksgiving we actually skipped. I was not in a place to deal with ppl all day and give thanks. This year we are choosing our plans carefully. Immediate family only to keep things small, which is less stressful for me. Also - alcohol.
Like others have said, skipping out for you is ok.
I hope the day isn't as bad as worst case.

MellyMel15 · November 2014

Luckily, I only have to deal with Thanksgiving and my family and DH's family all know about what happened and won't bring it up. We're Jewish, so I won't have to deal with a big Christmas gathering.

I know I'll still be sad because I had envisioned the holidays being different this year.

Holiday Coping Mechanisms

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