Ask a STM+ Mom

and_peggy · January 2022

Welcome to all the new bumpies! Looking forward to getting to know you all.

This thread is for first time moms to connect with other first time moms, ask all your questions to those who have been through it before, and have a safe place to share your concerns. No question is silly, I guarantee we’ve all called our OB for something laughable later.

tgbaby22 · January 2022

How to stop going down the rabbit hole of fear? Scared of miscarriage, then stillbirth, then SIDS. Couldn’t stop looking up cord complications yesterday. Does it end?

paytonpedro · January 2022

@tgbaby22 I hate to say this but it never ends. You have this love for this tiny human that just can’t be described. It’s mind blowing. So imaging anything at all happening to them either physically or emotionally (like being bullied) just breaks your soul. It means you’re already a good mom! You have to make a conscious effort to just not google. If you feel like the anxiety is becoming too much, you should discuss it with your doctor. They would definitely be able to help either with medication, calming techniques, or a referral to someone to talk to.

maggiemadeit · January 2022

Agree with @paytonpedro, that worry is part of motherhood, welcome to the club, you’re doing a great job already! But if it becomes obsessive, or disrupts your life, please talk to a professional. I was under tremendous stress during my first pregnancy and my anxiety was overwhelming. I saw a therapist weekly and she helped me so much. One thing I learned was the power of affirmations. My two favorites are “today I am pregnant” and “my body knows how to grow my baby.”

starkette · January 2022

@tgbaby22 Here are a few little things that helped me during my first pregnancy:

an angel care monitor that tells you if the baby stops breathing during sleep. It gave me so much peace of mind, I could actually sleep.
hire a doula who is calm and knowledgable and won't shame you for wanting an epidural (they're the best btw). In the delivery room, doctors and nurses will ask your permission for things and it's a whirlwind. My husband didn't have the capacity to answer knowledgeably either. A doula keeps a calm head and she will help you go through all contingencies and plan.
Know there is really nothing that you can do to alter the outcome of this pregnancy, what will be, will be.

I have a lot of experience with scary complications (preeclamsia and HELLP syndrome, c-section and vaginal birth, being induced, having a micropreemie, experiencing the NICU) and things working out. I didn't know I was capable of going through all of that, but I was. I faced the worst possible outcome and came through the other side. Whatever happens, you are stronger than you realize. Feel free to ask anything about those experiences.

aukeev · January 2022

Ok I'm a STM but I have a question for other STM+s!

Has anyone had a VBAC? If so, pros, cons, advice? I go back and forth between loving the convenience and predictability of another c-section and wanting to stick to my crunchy roots and attempt an unmedicated VBAC. I genuinely believe getting an epidural delayed my labor for so long and it's why I ended up with an emergency c-section. It wasn't a horrible experience, but my mom and sister both always did unmedicated home births and their experiences have been really magical for them. It's what I always pictured, just isn't what happened.

leahrnmom · January 2022

I guess this isn't specific to stm but I just got word that the NIPT test isnt covered and will be 900$. Don't know if this is a vent or looking for questions lol. Just annoying. I don't remember it being that much before. My provider used to do the Harmony and I was able to call the company and work out a payment plan that worked and it doesn't seem this company gives that option

wisewitch222 · January 2022

@leahrnmom See the New York Times article about NIPT that someone referenced above. That may make you feel better about not getting it if it's not covered. For me, it is covered this time around (last time when they were using Harmony it was not covered, so I passed), but I won't be getting it anyway (PM if you want my personal reasons). But that article helps put it in perspective. I will be getting the First Tri screening because that's covered for me.

maggiemadeit · January 2022

@aukeev I had an unmedicated VBAC with my second. I’m a little hesitant to share this story. It’s a novel, and I’m putting it in a box, TW for traumatic birth. Please skip it if you only want to hear positive VBAC experiences, which is a totally valid choice.

So I tried, unsuccessfully, for an unmedicated birth with my first. I was induced with a foley bulb at 41 weeks, but after 36 hours of labor without meds I was forced into an epidural, and eventually a c section because she would not come out. 10.5lbs and sunny side up. The c section was rough, they had to open and close me twice due to bleeding, and I had a bad reaction to the morphine. I do not remember the first 48 hours of my daughters life, and I can never get that back. Recovery was a nightmare.

With my second I was determined to VBAC. I had to switch providers halfway because I wasn’t getting the support I needed. I knew he would be big, and knew the risks, but I believed my body could do it and my new midwife was supportive. I did the spinning babies stuff to ensure good position for delivery. I went into labor naturally, and things progressed easily. I was pushing before I knew it. I delivered his head, and then suddenly my midwife is calling out codes, and every person on the floor was in our room in the matter of seconds. My son had shoulder dystocia, meaning his head was delivered but his body was stuck inside of me, with his shoulder caught on my pubic bone. With a lot of help, my midwife did 3 emergency maneuvers within about a minute or two, and was able to deliver him. He was immediately taken by the peds to check for broken bones, and I hemorrhaged badly due to the trauma. All of this with no pain meds on board. I actually had to get an epidural and go to the operating room after delivery to get stitched up, because the damage was so severe (4th degree tear). It was 5 hours before I was able to hold him. Turns out my son was 11lbs 4 ounces and 23.5” long. He was badly bruised, but considering the other possible outcomes (broken bones, deafness, death), that was the best possible result. I firmly believe that my midwife saved his life that night. The recovery for me was still way better than my c section, and birthing him was one of the most transformative experiences of my life. Even though it all came out okay in the end, I still harbor considerable guilt knowing that my desire for a natural childbirth put his life at risk. Needless to say, I am now a mandatory c section for baby #3.

I don’t say any of this to scare you. Most people who attempt it with a supportive provider have uncomplicated VBACs. There were obvious extenuating circumstance in our case. Going through labor and birthing him changed me as a person, and I would never take back that experience, but I don’t know if I would make the same decision if I had the choice again. I don’t think there are any right or wrong choices, and I hope you will have the best possible birth experience, whatever you decide.

To hear some more positive VBAC stories check out The Birth Hour podcast. I loved hearing other women’s stories as I was preparing.

buffythevampireslayer · January 2022

@tgbaby22 I agree with everything everyone else has said, from the moment you become pregnant, being a mother is a perpetual exercise in letting go. It really is your little heart outside of your body no matter what happens and what they go off and do.

@aukeev thank you for asking this and @maggiemadeit thank you for your story. I had a traumatic c section with my first and have been thinking about this. I’ve been leaning toward c section but I have plenty of time to think and your story was very helpful.

nwshay · January 2022

I'm a STM but was wondering if anyone else has had a 4dt and delivered vaginally the 2nd time as well? I've had a lot of mixed opinions. Midwives have said go for it, all the doctors and surgeons have told me to go C-section with my next. I have time to research but everything is all over the place and I know I'll have a hard time deciding. Any insight?

megz_86 · January 2022

@leahrnmom, call the company who does the NIPT your office uses! They’ll give you a self pay discount or a coupon. I’ve done this the last time and ended up paying $250 for it instead.

cas060 · January 2022

@maggiemadeit thanks for sharing your story. My delivery was very similar to your second. Is the mandatory part bc 2 times issues or bc of the last birth?

maggiemadeit · January 2022

@cas060 I'm sorry you've also gone through a traumatic birth. For me, it's a combination of factors, but mostly that I've had 2 babies over 10 pounds (with no gestational diabetes, so not likely to make a smaller one this time) and having shoulder dystocia puts me at high risk for another. The OB who stitched me up in the OR also basically begged me to never try it again because of the extent of the tissue damage. Everything healed up great, so I'm not sure how much that would matter if it weren't for the other factors.

cas060 · January 2022

@maggiemadeit so stressful. Sorry that you've had 2 difficult births. My daughter was 8.8 at 41 weeks. The ob never said I should avoid vaginal in future.. so I was curious. one of those things ill have to ask the midwife ,I think. I'm getting an epidural so I know the ob will be there for delivery, gahh. So stressful. I had an episiotomy bc they attempted to deliver by vacuum first. Mh wants a csection... but im like the recovery 😣. Decisions decisions.

maggiemadeit · January 2022

@cas060 You have some time to decide. Definitely ask your provider for their input, they’ll be able to talk you through the risks based on your specific history. I’ll admit my husband is very pleased about a scheduled c section. I think both of my deliveries took some years off his life, especially the second one, and it seems more safe and controlled to him. He doesn’t have to live through a c section recovery though, so easy for him to say!

starkette · January 2022

@aukeev a close friend of mine had an emergency csection with her first birth and a successful (and magical) unmedicated vbac for her second and third births. I'd suggest getting a birthing coach or doula to help you through it.

I've had to mourn and come to terms with the fact that it'll never happen for me. Because my last birth was a classical c-section, a vbac is really risky so I'll have another c-section. My first birth was induction and medicated vaginal delivery. I'm glad I had that experience, at least.

Every mama is different and sometimes we won't have the perfect experience we always dreamed of...but I hope you have a successful vbac if that's what you decide to do! But it's okay if you decide against it, too. There's no shame with choosing the comfortable choice and the less risky option.

jenkm1110 · January 2022

Obviously everyone is different...but when did you all start buying/needing maternity clothes? I feel like I'm jinxing things if I start buying now (I haven't even had my first appointment yet), but some of my pants are starting to feel a bit snug. I also don't want to buy a bunch of winter clothes if I won't end up really needing maternity clothes til spring!

itsme215 · January 2022

@jenkm1110 I bought new bras about 2 weeks ago. Nothing else yet but I’ve also basically only worn joggers or my husbands pajama pants since Christmas.

buffythevampireslayer · January 2022

@jenkm for my first I got them in the beginning of my second trimester but it’s seeming like I’ll need them A LOT sooner this time around. Thankfully I am mostly working from home so it’s a lot of stretchy pants for me.

starkette · January 2022

@jenkm1110 I usually do pants extenders until about 16-20 weeks and then wear maternity pants. But since this is my third I might have to wear them sooner.

lmaplejc · January 2022

@maggiemadeit Thank you for sharing your story.

@coffeeshay I’m a STM, so not sure how it will go yet, but I’ll share what my OB said when we discussed this topic.
*******TW I had a traumatic birth with my first involving forceps, 4dt, retained placenta, and significant blood loss.*****
My OB is confident that I can do another vaginal birth, unless this baby is measuring larger than my son (he was 9lb 8oz at almost 42 weeks). If this baby is measuring bigger, she recommended a c-section. I do have a friend who had a 4dt tear with her first, her second was a bit smaller and she had a successful vaginal birth with significantly less tearing.

paytonpedro · January 2022

@jenkm1110 with my first I was definitely uncomfortable in my pants around 8-10 weeks. I used the hair band trick to extend some shorts and wore lots of maxi skirts (summer time) but I probably started buying and wearing maternity pants around 12-14 weeks. Shirts I could get away with a little longer but maternity shirts did make me feel more put together.

jenkm1110 · January 2022

Thanks, all! It sounds like I can get by with regular clothes for a bit longer, but perhaps I'll take a look this weekend to see if I can find any sales.

buffythevampireslayer · January 2022

How and when did you tell your other children you were expecting? My other child is 5.5 and I’m looking for any and all tips about this. I am debating between waiting for first trimester testing or the anatomy scan, which feels so far away, but I also know waiting two trimesters will feel like a lifetime for a five year old. And, whenever I tell her, I can expect her to tell literally the entire world including her entire class at school, teacher, principal, and randos on the street. Would love to hear what others have done or are planning!

wisewitch222 · January 2022

@buffythevampireslayer I told my kids the day of the 8 week ultrasound, after I picked them up from school. We were still in the parking lot. I said, “I went to the doctor to find out why I’ve been so nauseous. They took a special machine and looked inside my stomach, and guess what they found in there ! A baby!” And they both got so excited and started trying to name the baby, and yes they have told everyone they’ve seen since then. My older son’s teacher called in sick on Wednesday so I’m sure he also told the gym teacher, technology teacher, speech teacher, and reading specialist who all subbed in his classroom that day, too.

laddy12 · January 2022

@buffythevampireslayer I have a 6 year old and have not told her yet. Planning to tell her after my 12/13 week appointment. My doctor recommended waiting until after the first trimester which is what we were already planning. I have been so nauseous and I wish I could tell her that it’s nothing to worry about but I’d still rather wait.

wisewitch222 · January 2022

@laddy12 Does she worry if you’re contagious? Before I told my kids I was constantly having to explain to my three year old that sometimes you get sick from a virus, but sometimes other things make you sick and other people can’t catch that sickness from you. So he’s like, “Can I sit with you?” It was adorable, but nice that I can now tell him the cause of the nausea is the baby and he understands he can’t catch that.

buffythevampireslayer · January 2022

@wisewitch222 thank you for sharing, I love that! So funny how kids tell everyone everything.

@laddy12 My daughter has definitely picked up on me being sick/tired and because I did ivf I’m still getting progesterone shots every day, which she has a million questions about of course. It might be hard to wait much longer than after the first trimester.

starkette · January 2022

@buffythevampireslayer I had my 2nd baby when my first daughter was 5. We told her at about 7ish weeks? After the first ultrasound because we were gonna tell the whole family when we visited them and I wanted her to be in on the secret. This time, my daughter knew around 8 weeks because **TW** I had an early miscarriage before this pregnancy around 6/7 weeks and wanted an ultrasound first and didn't have one scheduled until 8 weeks**

But I mean, anything can happen during pregnancy at any time so...I chose to tell her early because we were excited and wanted her to know about it.

darkrose88 · January 2022

Anyone other STM+ with kids who aren't getting you can't jump on mommy? DS is so used to climbing on our laps and jumping all over us, I'm having to physically pull him off and seperate myself from him. He also accidentally kicked me in the stomach today while cuddling. It wasn't super hard, but still not ideal. I'm struggling with how to set boundaries with DS (he's 4) and get through to him jumping, wildly swinging legs and arms around my stomach isn't okay.

coldlife2 · January 2022

coffeeshay said:

I'm a STM but was wondering if anyone else has had a 4dt and delivered vaginally the 2nd time as well? I've had a lot of mixed opinions. Midwives have said go for it, all the doctors and surgeons have told me to go C-section with my next. I have time to research but everything is all over the place and I know I'll have a hard time deciding. Any insight?

*dirty lurker* I know someone who did. It’s a lot of healing either way, but I’d definitely take the possibility of a tear again over healing from major abdominal surgery.

QUOTE

cas060 said:

@maggiemadeit so stressful. Sorry that you've had 2 difficult births. My daughter was 8.8 at 41 weeks. The ob never said I should avoid vaginal in future.. so I was curious. one of those things ill have to ask the midwife ,I think. I'm getting an epidural so I know the ob will be there for delivery, gahh. So stressful. I had an episiotomy bc they attempted to deliver by vacuum first. Mh wants a csection... but im like the recovery 😣. Decisions decisions.
UNQUOTE

8 lbs, 8 oz is really not that big. My first was 8, 12.5, and I delivered her vaginally and unmedicated. Keep in mind that while it sounds like @maggiemadeit had a legitimate case of her body growing a baby too big to safely deliver, that’s pretty unusual. The vast majority of women will not grow a baby that their body cannot accommodate. And most women who receive a diagnosis of “baby too big to deliver” go on to have vaginal births later on, sometimes even with a baby bigger than their supposed “too big to deliver” baby. (Source - https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/labor-and-birth/cephalopelvic-disproportion/)

paytonpedro · January 2022

@buffythevampireslayer we told our kids (almost 6 and 3) on christmas morning(7+ weeks). I’m terrible with secrets. I figured he would tell our entire family later that day but he didn’t say a thing!!! Until last week when he told my mil, which is fine. He’s also told his entire class and teachers. Lol.

@darkrose88 with my wild boys I have just really had to enforce “gentle”. Have you told him yet? If not maybe just tell him you have a belly ache? I also anticipate them coming so I can brace for it.

laddy12 · January 2022

@wisewitch222 she hasn’t seemed worried about catching anything I have so far but just keeps saying she wants me to feel better. Probably helps that I didn’t get sick when she had a stomach bug (only twice) so maybe she doesn’t realize those are contagious?

maggiemadeit · January 2022

@darkrose88 I haven’t worried too much about it yet while baby is still so small and well protected in there, but those days are coming quickly. I will need to break my sweet 2 year old of being carried by Mama, because he is huge and eventually I won’t be able to anymore 😭

coco2787 · January 2022

@buffythevampireslayer with my last pregnancy we told my son (who was also 5.5 at the time) after the NT scan. Part of the reason was we wanted ultrasound photos that looked like an actual baby to show him but also because *TW*

Our prior pregnancy we found out baby had no heartbeat at the NT scan and didn’t want to have to try and explain a loss.

This time around he’s 8 and we told him after the first scan at 7 weeks but since he’s older we also explained that it’s possible we won’t get a take home baby.

buffythevampireslayer · January 2022

@starkette thank you for sharing! I do want to tell her but I’m also super nervous about a loss and having to explain that and then her like telling her entire class that.

@paytonpedro so funny! I love how they tell everyone everything.

@coco2787 I actually really like the idea of having ultrasound photos that look like a baby. I think I’ll be going that route. Thank you!!

anniemarie887 · January 2022

@darkrose88 i totally get the anxiety, but at this point i don't think you need to be worried. my 2 yo daughter treats me like a human jungle gym.

as for telling, because she is so little i don't think we'll really do anything with "telling" her.

we're also not big social media announcement ppl, for our daughter i put up a post on our wedding anniversary when i was 6 months pregnant, it finally had gotten to the point where i couldn't really hide it any longer. i kind of enjoy the secret part (also prob why we were team green), i mean if you know me IRL, and see me and are my friend all of those people knew. but like ashley from high school who i haven't talked to in 15+ years, i didn't much care about knowing.

darkrose88 · January 2022

@anniemarie887 @maggiemadeit @paytonpedro thanks ladies. I actually saw the NP today and asked about it and she also said not to worry too much about it yet since baby is well protected. Definitely a relief and gives me time to work with him on being gentle.

@maggiemadeit I too need to break DS of asking to be carried. When I mentioned I've been picking him up on occasion the NP said while 40lbs is a lot, our bodies are used to it, so it isn't overly concerning for her. She'd be more concerned if I wasn't used to doing it.

and_peggy · January 2022

@buffythevampireslayer we haven’t told our kids or family yet. I’ve had a lot of bleeding and I don’t think I could handle having to explain a loss. After our scan next week (11+ weeks), we will tell our parents. But I’m kind of still wanting to wait to tell the kids since they’ll tell everyone they meet and I have no interest in that. Im actually leaning towards 15ish weeks or maybe even after the AS. Sharing that news is something I like doing on my own timeline.

buffythevampireslayer · January 2022

@and_peggy thank you for sharing. I totally understand. My husband told his dad and I’m sort of regretting letting him do that. He keeps asking when he can tell others and keeps acting more excited than I’m ready to feel. So I definitely think I will hold on telling my child until at least after first trimester testing and possibly later.

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