@annashaf as a former US HR employee, there’s really nothing he can do even if he is irritated 🤷🏻♀️ Pregnancy is still considered a protected class, and he isn’t able to deny you any benefits you’re legally entitled to. Any form of discrimination is considered retaliatory, and could open him up for a discrimination law suit
@annashaf that’s so tricky. I have no idea…. Hopefully he is understanding and if he’s not, yes that is his problem. But I know it still affects you. tricky.
@annashaf it can be so hard waiting to tell the news! For my last pregnancy, I started a new job right as I found out I was pregnant. What helped me is remembering the law is on your side and you are doing nothing wrong (having a kid is a great thing!). I felt a lot better once I set a date and just told my boss. I also made it short and sweet. It went fine! I hope it does for you too!
@annashaf I’ve been struggling with when to tell my bosses too (I’m also in Canada), but it doesn’t change the fact that we are entitled to our benefits. Fingers crossed that he is supportive when you are ready to let him know.
@annashaf i told my boss a few weeks ago but we’ve kept it quite and will tell bigger boss later this month. Last leave bigger boss was like “so you’ll come back early, yes?” Hard no.
What type of leave benefits do you get in canards?
I’ll tell my boss at 12-13 weeks once I’m safely out of first trimester. We only go in office 3 days a week, and 2 of our days don’t overlap, so I potentially only see her once every week so I don’t really feel like it’s obvious and I have to.
My boss doesn't live in the same country as me, so our maternity leave policies are waaaaaaaaaaaay different, so I'm sure he'll be happy to know I can't take off a full year😂 we only talk every couple of weeks so I'll probably tell him before Christmas. My local team lead may or may not figure it out on her own since I'm slightly showing (or selectively looking like I'm gaining weight only in my lower abdomen) but I'll probably have to tell her soon.
@And846 as a Canadian I COULD take up to 18 months! I’ll likely do 10-12 months. 12 months was the max until just 2 years ago. And my husband can take a few months too (although, his employer is also American, but he’s been there a lot longer so there’s a lot less “fear” of perception).
@pajamstagrams mine is the opposite - I CAN take a shit ton of time if I want, where the US side of the company policy is just 12 weeks. So even if I don’t take all that I’m entitled to, it’s still a lot more than he’s used to. Plus, everyone else on my team is a man…oh engineering…
I’ve never even seen anyone in my team in person. I work from home so telling them isn’t urgent. My local office is having a social event on December 1st, so that’s my deadline. I’m thinking I’ll tell my team the week of US Thanksgiving.
@skc040512 I know he can’t “do” anything about it, but it can still create tension and hard feelings across the team…
@annashaf fellow engineer here 🤓 my local team I'm assigned to is 100% men, with the exception of me, and the team lead 🙄 it's actually probably my least sex-balanced team I've ever been on, normally it's 50-50 or more women!
@annashaf okay, that’s amazing you have that much time. Buts our pathetic 12 weeks to shame. Luckily mine is paid but i know that is not always the case here.
@And846 I have a couple Canadian friends on my previous bmb and they are still on maternity leave 😩 I don’t think I’d want to do it that long, but I’m so jealous there’s the option. Parental leave here is so sad. It’s sad when your company gives 6 weeks paid and it’s considered good. I was still leaking everywhere at 6 weeks, I can’t imagine going to the office and being functional.
I'm Canadian but I'm self-employed (theatre artist and also family business) so I cobble together as much time off as I can manage and I don't get any benefits. Lame! Last time I was working again (though from home) after about a month and I'm really hoping to take more of a mat leave this time around.
I echo all above, the average maternity leave policies in the US absolutely suck. Some daycares won’t even take 6week olds, and even 12 weeks is just so little time in the scheme of things when you are trying in those first months to get used to feedings, sleep patterns being disrupted, hormones re-regulating, and everything post partum. It’s horrible for employees who don’t have short term disability or PTO to help cover their FMLA time too. I mean babies aren’t cheap and when you are used to being budgeted as a two-person working household it’s just another wrench thrown in!
Probably an UO, but I'm not actually planning to take the full mat leave I'm allowed (6 months). I get 16 wks paid + whatever vacation I want to use, before I go to unpaid. I had to take the full leave with DD and it was a nightmare coming back from unpaid leave, because they kick you out of all the systems, etc, and you just get so behind with everything you missed. Also, once she hit 4 months, I was ready to go back (but couldn't). Maybe it was because I probably had the most stressful leave ever (won't go into details here) and was ready to just be responsible for myself for a short time each day.
Eta: post partum mental health is important too!! Hoping to have less stress this time so I'm not as eager to get back to work lol
Yeah, I think the US is WAAAAYYYYY behind in that sense. Makes having a child a much bigger decision than it needs to be, in my opinion. I can’t imagine going to work at 6 weeks pp. You body, or let’s be honest, even your mind, isn’t your own at that point. Canadian leaves aren’t fully paid. They’re 55% of your salary (for max 12 month leave, or 33% salary if you choose the 18 month leave) to a maximum dollar amount per biweekly from the government (and some employers “top up”, but it’s rare) but it’s certainly better than nothing! Except if you’re a business owner or entrepreneur as @jandawg was saying - then I don’t believe you get anything, which doesn’t make sense. There are some European countries and Australia that have really really great systems! And not to throw salt on the wound, but after the baby is born we get the Canadian Child Benefit - monthly you get a tax free sum per child under the age of 18.
DH and I have been talking about ways we can arrange our leaves to keep this baby home as long as possible. I'll get 18 weeks this time I believe (6 weeks disability + 12 weeks paid family leave, thanks to my state), and he gets some amount TBD (I think it's different from what the state mandates because it was negotiated by his union before our state had PFL). I had such guilt about sending DD to daycare at 4 months old; I know I can't do it again this time. We think we can make it to 6 months, which makes me happier. Last time we got "lucky" with the pandemic because DD ended up being home from 8-14 months (we really do consider ourselves lucky we got all that extra time), but I'm not hoping for another pandemic just to ease my mom guilt!
Last time i took the full 12 weeks i was allowed and then added on 2 weeks of PTO at the end before i returned to work. If i could have any length of leave, i feel like 6 months would be a great sweet spot. DH works for an international company and shares with me his colleagues kind of leaves and it’s mind blowing how great they are - whether they take it all or not, just to have that option is wonderful.
I plan to take the full 12 weeks again but am not going to feel ready to send the baby to daycare then. Unless my MIL somehow stops working I don’t know how we’d swing it though. With DD, we delayed her daycare start until she was 6 months and my MIL and I juggled her while I worked. It was awful and I was giving 2% to work and her, but it was nice not having to send her at 12 weeks 😩
Any semi recent past c-section mamas here? Just wondering if they are still doing the pain ball immediately after surgery. I know that was a godsend while I was still in the hospital after my last one instead of the pills.
Well shucks!!! It’s a little ball filled with like some type of localizing anesthetic, that’s got a tiny catheter line directly into the wound/scar site after the section. It has a little clip that just clips onto your gown/clothes so the ball just kinda hangs from the clip, and some have a pump you can press yourself as needed or they are on an automatic release(which mine was). They take it out before you are discharged. I found a pic(thanks google) and this looks very similar to what mine looked like. I was just hoping they were still using these bc pain pills tear my stomach up and this was sooooo much better!!!
@MrsLaLaBug I had a c section and my options were Motrin of Norco haha. That seems like a very interesting device though. I presume it didn’t bother your incision at all? The worst part was the nurses coming in what felt like every 20 min (I know it was more spread out ) and pressing on my stomach to make sure everything was healing well (that and going over the train tracks on our way back home)
@addsprinkles521 nope it kept that whole area numb. Couldn’t feel it at all but it didn’t have the effect like taking pain meds do which I *think* is the concept behind it(reducing opioid use after the surgery). I was in the hospital for 4 days with my section and they took it out the day I was discharged. That was when I did have actual pain pills but I think it was just like those extra huge tylenols or something.
Thinking about telling my closest girlfriends as soon as our NIPT comes back. One gf is going through the process of freezing her eggs and it’s been very challenging. Looking for some advice as to how to tell her. Planning to text but what specifically would be ok to hear and what would be hard to hear? Want to be sensitive but also don’t want her to think I was keeping anything from her.
@lbindc523 honestly if she's been struggling in any way with fertility, it's probably going to be tough for her. When one of my BFFs texted me she was pregnant, after I miscarried (she didn't know yet), it sucked. I needed a couple days to respond. But I'm glad it was via text so I could emotionally process it on my own time. I'd just say "hey, just wanted to let you know I'm pregnant, it's a boy/girl/surprise". In other loss forums, I've seen other people recommend not to "suggest how she should feel" (ie, don't say "I know this might be hard to hear" or something like that). Personally that kind of statement wouldn't bother me, but I've seen other people recommend against it.🤷♀️
@lbindc523 Telling her via text is a good idea. I went through infertility for three years and it got progressively more difficult to hear that someone else was pregnant, so giving her that option of being behind a phone screen is considerate. Since everyone's different, it's hard to know exactly what language to use. I probably wouldn't have wanted the announcement sprung on me, like a random text announcing it, but more as part of a larger text conversation or some acknowledgement that the person telling me understood the news might make me sad and/or that when we saw each other we didn't have to focus on their pregnancy. I know others might not like that, though, so I think it depends on what you know about your friend and her situation.
@lbindc523 I don’t have much advice on what to say, but I also went through infertility and really appreciated when it was a text vs telling me in person so I didn’t have to pretend to be happy or hide my emotions. The only time I got pissed off was when I responded congratulations and their response was “thanks but I wish it would happen for you” or something along those lines. Like ok thanks me too, you don’t have to rub it in haha. I would just tell her you love her and you’re sorry she has to go through what she’s going through. Not sure what else to say or how exactly to tell her you’re pregnant, since you know your friend better than I do obviously.
Thank you all so much!! All good advice. Tbh since she separated from her husband and started the freezing process she’s completely pulled away from our friend group and I havent spoken to her in months. I understand that she is dealing with things in her own way but I also think she deserves to know and would be very hurt if she found out from someone else and I hadn’t told her. I will try to be empathetic to everything you’ve all said when I message her.
I have less than a week until my anatomy scan but anyone else feeling "in the dark" a bit? I felt baby (I think) last week on and off over the course of several days. But, I haven't felt her again and I know it's normal for it to be inconsistent at this stage... but there are times where I just don't "feel pregnant" anymore since nausea is over - besides being extra hungry haha. I'm just so scared of going in for the scan and something being wrong. I think because I had two boys and it feels like it's all "too good to be true" that I am having a girl... I'm like waiting for the other shoe to drop. My other pregnancies were uneventful so I'm trying to just remind myself I've felt this way before. But curious if anyone else feels the same and that the movement has been inconsistent and sporadic.
Me: 36 DH: 36 Married: October 2011 DS: January 2016 DS: May 2019 #3: April 2022
@winterviolethope what you are feeling is totally normal. I have only felt a few flutters her and there and my symptoms are easing up, but the bump is popping. I had my anatomy scan at 20 weeks with DD and had bent yet felt anything and she was perfectly healthy. It’s easier said than done but relax
@winterviolethope I literally told my husband today I don’t feel pregnant and it’s because all the other symptoms are easing up now I’ve felt few flutters. I will hopefully be getting a scan tomorrow and like you feel I’m nervous something will be wrong. I’m sure all will be fine but you aren’t alone
Has anyone had a colposcopy while pregnant? My pap came back abnormal and I have a colpo scheduled for December. This is my 3rd one so not unusual for me, but I’ve never gone through this while pregnant.
Ok I know it's too early to worry about this, but I'm gonna do it anyway...moms with 2+ kids already....was your 2nd+ bigger than your first? Literally as soon as DD was born, a helpful nurse told me my next kid would be 0.5 lb bigger, so that puts me looking at a 10+ lb baby now. This guy is measuring ahead, plus he's a dude, so now I'm freaking out I'm gonna have a 10.5-11 lb baby 😂 (big babies run on my side + DH's, so genetically, we're screwed)
@pajamstagrams DD2 was exactly 2.5lbs heavier and 2.5in longer than DD1. However DS (baby 3) was right in between the two. DD1 was a peanut and barely weighed 6lbs full term. DH is 6’3”, and his dad was a 12lb baby so I get the fear 😂😂 but every baby grows differently so there’s no guarantee this next one will be a 10+lb
Re: The Great Big Question Thread
@And846 wtf at your old boss!? 🙄
@pajamstagrams mine is the opposite - I CAN take a shit ton of time if I want, where the US side of the company policy is just 12 weeks. So even if I don’t take all that I’m entitled to, it’s still a lot more than he’s used to. Plus, everyone else on my team is a man…oh engineering…
I’ve never even seen anyone in my team in person. I work from home so telling them isn’t urgent. My local office is having a social event on December 1st, so that’s my deadline. I’m thinking I’ll tell my team the week of US Thanksgiving.
@skc040512 I know he can’t “do” anything about it, but it can still create tension and hard feelings across the team…
Eta: post partum mental health is important too!! Hoping to have less stress this time so I'm not as eager to get back to work lol
@lbindc523 honestly if she's been struggling in any way with fertility, it's probably going to be tough for her. When one of my BFFs texted me she was pregnant, after I miscarried (she didn't know yet), it sucked. I needed a couple days to respond. But I'm glad it was via text so I could emotionally process it on my own time. I'd just say "hey, just wanted to let you know I'm pregnant, it's a boy/girl/surprise". In other loss forums, I've seen other people recommend not to "suggest how she should feel" (ie, don't say "I know this might be hard to hear" or something like that). Personally that kind of statement wouldn't bother me, but I've seen other people recommend against it.🤷♀️
I'm just so scared of going in for the scan and something being wrong. I think because I had two boys and it feels like it's all "too good to be true" that I am having a girl... I'm like waiting for the other shoe to drop. My other pregnancies were uneventful so I'm trying to just remind myself I've felt this way before. But curious if anyone else feels the same and that the movement has been inconsistent and sporadic.
Married: October 2011
DS: January 2016
DS: May 2019
#3: April 2022