Ask a STM(+) a Q - M/O January 2021

wanderlustsoul · January 2021

Ask a STM(+) any questions you have or anything you need input on!

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_orchid_ · January 2021

Can I start this off with a question for TTM?

What does your laundry routine look like? With 4 of us in winter (so many layers) I'm doing 2 loads on weekends and 1-2 mid week. Wondering if I'm just going to live in the laundry room next winter.

*** Edited to add loads of clothes. Sheets, towels, jackets, blankets, etc. are their own beasts!

laurad75 · January 2021

@_orchid_ I do laundry just about every other day. If I skip a day I end up doing 3 loads. There are only 3 of us but toddlers are messy and H and I workout everyday so we just accumulate a lot of laundry.

dogmom5 · January 2021

I do a load daily. If I don’t, I can’t keep up

kristah2 · January 2021

I usually do laundry a couple days a week but it’s always a few loads at a time.

I’ve been trying to do the kids together a couple times a week on their own and I find that helps.

legallykate · January 2021

Am I the only one doing way way way less laundry during the pandemic? It's been like the one big upside to not ever going anywhere. I do a load of DD's clothes once a week and then do two loads of DH's and mine (one whites and one colors) like every 10 days because we both wear the same athleisure for days

tilournextadventure · January 2021

We do one load for DS and me and then a second for MH's clothes. I guess our washer is big enough to not have to do a load a day. Our towels and sheets are washed separately, so maybe a total of 4 per week.

mindyb2019 · January 2021

@legallykate you are definitely not alone. I feel ya on the laundry. I do way way way less now too 😆 im the same as you. I only do like laundry once every 1 week - 10 days for my DH LOL only one load of white and one dark.

_orchid_ · January 2021

@legallykate my kids being home all day every day means they are constantly changing/adding clothes. In regular life they're school all day, so if they get paint/food on their clothes they deal with it and wear it all day. At home they don't deal, so if ds2 gets a dot of marker on his shirt he changes 🙄 ds1 put on/took off 3 different pairs of socks on Sunday and I was like oh hell no 🤣

@dogmom5 I feel like this is where I'm heading.

wanderlustsoul · January 2021

@legallykate, I do laundry 1x a week. Saturdays are laundry day. I wash mine, my son’s, the towels, and sheets. My H is on his own. Cloth diapers every 3 days but my husband is responsible for that.

kfc1983 · January 2021

To add a new topic aside from laundry, I would want to know from the STM(+)s out there - for someone like me, who has zero maternal instinct, zero baby or child experience, and zero close-to-home resources for help, what resources (books, blogs, etc.) would you recommend on knowing what the heck to do after you have this child? I mean I know enough that I will need some diapers and clothes probably, but my knowledge base basically stops there. The amount of information available is overwhelming, so if there is something that you've read that is essentially a "parenting for dummies" that can succinctly summarize how to keep your baby alive, that would be awesome. Thanks in advance!

mc0303 · January 2021

@kfc1983 ha! I know that feeling well. I was the same way. I don’t think I’d ever held a baby.

When the baby comes you’ll need to think about three main things: feed them, change them, and have a place for them to sleep.

For feeding: be prepped with infant formula or breastfeeding accessories. Either way, I’d recommend a few bottles (doesn’t really matter which) and small nipples (the age/size will be on the tag). A bottle warmer is helpful if you’re bottle feeding. Otherwise stick it in a bowl of warm water. Newborns feed very often like every 2-3 hrs. Google feeding times and feeding amounts...it changes as they get older. Get burp cloths...newborns are often spitters.

Change them: Once you change one diaper on a live human, you’ll get how easy it is. Have a nurse show you when you deliver. Buy some newborn and size 1 diapers to start. When taking off the old diaper, I usually place a fresh diaper underneath before undoing the dirty diaper. Then I fold the little Velcro tabs back on the dirty diaper and clean the bum! Front to back.

Sleeping: figure out some spots where they can sleep like a bassinet or a crib. You only need sheets. No loose blankets or anything.

Here are some IG accts and stuff I found helpful:
legendairy - for feeding
Safeintheseat - car seat safety
CDC Milestones App
Lucies List - product recommendations

I took a newborn care class and didn’t remember any of it but helped calm me lol

Also def recommend an infant safety and CPR class.

Newborns are usually up at least every 3 hrs so you’ll be doing the same routine over and over again. Morning and night until they start sleeping longer stretches.

Your pediatrician will give you an idea of when to start different things like solids or sleep training.

I liked the Wonder Weeks book and app...although I heard it’s not the best but anything that helped my anxiety was great.

kfc1983 · January 2021

Thank you SO much @mc0303 for taking the time to share all of that helpful information!

_orchid_ · January 2021

@kfc1983 - @mc0303 gives a lot of great resources! You'll find too that once you're a parent, all the other people in your life who are parents (co-workers, neighbors, etc) will talk to you non-stop about being a parent. It can be annoying, but also can be good for you to get ideas, especially if you have a parent acquaintance that you vibe with.

With DS1, dh and I felt ready- until the night before we left the hospital lol. We were lucky that our maternity ward was slow at that time, so we asked our nurse if she could show us how to give him a bath (really had no idea lol). The nurses thought it was really cute and the last 24 hours we were there, they made a point to show us and explain anything they were going with ds.

Will your child be in a form of child care? They are a great source too, and will know your child (almost) as well as you will. When ds1 was like 5 months, we were getting ready for feeding solids (pediatrician recommended) and I remember saying to the daycare person "oh I guess I'll have to look through our drawer for a small spoon for him" and she was like "uhhh, a baby spoon?" - I really, truly didn't even think of that!

ashaislurking · January 2021

@kfc1983 In addition to what @mc0303 and @_orchid_ mentioned, remember that once you fall into your own routine and figure out ways of doing things that work best for you and your lifestyle you can ABSOLUTELY tell others to f*** off with their unsolicited advice. Don't feel pressured to listen to, or try, anything and everything that's suggested. Also remember that trying something out and not liking it is okay too! It's a journey and I GUARANTEE that there's no STM+ who got everything "right" the first time. What "right" looks like for one parent may not be what "right" looks like for you and that's completely valid. If you ever have specific questions don't hesitate to reach out and ask for help (from your parents, another parent, a pediatrician, etc.). There's no shame in saying "I don't know how to do this, please help."

ramzlau · January 2021

@kfc1983 I think you have received some great advice! The only thing I would add is it might be worth reading or familiarizing yourself with newborn sleep. There are so many techniques and programs about getting newborns to sleep or on a schedule. The Happiest Baby talks about the 4th trimester and their is a toddler follow up book. There is also Moms on Call and Crying out Methods and the list goes on and on. You may have an idea of what you think you want to do with sleep and schedule, but your baby may have it’s own mind too. I think it’s good to have general knowledge of what is out there and then refresh yourself when you are going through it for techniques that way you are scrambling to find the needle in the haystack at 3 am in desperation.

I found the newborn class through my hospital helpful as well. They did tips like how to give a bath, check bath temp, how to swaddle, safe sleeping practices, calming techniques, how to check for fever, etc. We did it along with our birthing, breastfeeding and CPR classes.

sydbom · January 2021

@kfc1983 TakingCaraBabies is a great IG account to follow

klj0228 · January 2021

@kfc1983 you have gotten some great advice. Remember, even people with maternal instincts bring home their baby and at some point in the first week think, “what the heck are we doing?” Our pediatrician gives all new parents the book “Caring for your Baby and Young Child” in the hospital. It is a fantastic resource that I still reference because it talks about pretty much everything.

klj0228 · January 2021

There is a book and website called baby bargains. They look at all the necessities and break down functionality and cost and talk pros and cons. It helped me pick a lot of things with our first that I had no knowledge about. It talks about high chairs, cribs, bassinets, etc.

sgrn18 · January 2021

I love all this advice y’all!! I had been around babies for years as all my friends had babies before me and I would babysit all the time. My brothers baby I actually babysat a lot. When I brought home DS I was utterly clueless as to what I was supposed to do! The first week was the hardest while we were getting to know each other. I didn’t read any books but I did go to my last BMB to ask for help a lot. Eventually you start getting the hang of things and find your own way piecing together advice from others into your own style.

The only thing that I really think every parent should be on the same page about is car seat safety.

laurad75 · January 2021

All of the advice given so far is really great. I was completely clueless when I brought DS home but eventually you figure it all out. I like Happiest Baby on the Block and Wonder Weeks a lot.

I never got the hang of a tight swaddle, which seems to be essential in the beginning. I was eventually gifted a halo swaddle with velcro that changed my life. I'm also really slow at changing diapers still.

I did not take a newborn class but I can imagine they are really helpful. A local group here does them online and people rave about it. (link)

halfanewt · January 2021

Question for the STM+ crowd - I know they say you show earlier with #2, and I definitely feel like I am, but does your bump get bigger overall or does it level out at a certain point?

sgrn18 · January 2021

@halfanewt. I’d be interested in the answer too. This is my 2nd and my fundal height has been consistently 2weeks ahead since 16 weeks when I was always on target with DS1. This baby is also measuring a week ahead by ultrasounds which DS1 didn’t do so I’m wondering if this levels out or not lol 😂

ashaislurking · January 2021

@halfanewt with DS2 I would have gotten bigger overall than I did with DS1 had I gone full term. With DD now I'm smaller than I was with either of those two pregnancies at this point. I think it REALLY depends baby to baby.

legallykate · January 2021

@kfc1983 The other moms have covered everything really well, but I think it is worth emphasizing that NO first time parent knows really know what they are doing, and every baby is different, so it is going to be a day by day learning experiment for you and baby (and I am expecting this to be the case with my second too). People told me this and I brushed it off because I consider myself smarter than average and though I was super well-prepared, and once we brought her home it was really humbling to realize I had no real idea what I was doing and was in no way prepared for that level of sleeplessness and never being able to figure out why she was crying all the time. But at the same time, you eventually realize all you have to do is keep baby alive which in itself isn't that hard (and the above tips will come in very handy for that). And it's obviously 100% worth all the exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy. Just saying all this so you don't beat yourself up feeling unprepared now or when the baby gets here and know that it's always okay to ask for help!

Omie_Wise · January 2021

I have 2 kids. I shoot to do laundry everyday. It takes me the whole day to get it washed and dried and if I’m really amazing folded and put away.

I totally didn’t even know how to change a diaper before we had DS1. We took a newborn class that I think was largely based on Happiest Baby on the Block. If you plan to breastfeed, make sure you’ve got a support lined up for that beforehand. My city had a free clinic pre-covid. I’ll be researching IBLC before this baby is born in case I need help. Also, DS1’s bump group literally saved me so stay
active here so you’ll have friends to reach out to when you have questions.

I took bump pictures throughout both my pregnancies and I didn’t really get bigger. With DS1 I lasted almost 41 weeks and with DS2 I delivered at 38 weeks so I didn’t get as big but bump was roughly the same size at 38 weeks both times.

_orchid_ · January 2021

@halfanewt @sgrn18 I showed earlier the 2nd time but it definitely evened out. I think the fact all my organs were starting in a different place at the beginning means they moved up quicker. Overall my bump was about the same last tri.

kristah2 · January 2021

I think the second time I was bigger overall but it’s also because I seemed to get fat all over the second time 😆
this time I showed about the same as my second but I’m definitely bigger. Especially at night.

wanderlustsoul · January 2021

@kfc1983, I think this is why STM(+) are so chill. The first time, you have not a clue. I'm excited this time to chill out more. But you learn so quickly and you pick up things so well.

mrs_massie · January 2021

@kfc1983 you can read all you want and it will help you to get a better understanding of what a baby needs, and requires and what the first few weeks will look like, but no baby goes by the book and you just have to learn your own baby. A lot of people will say "mothers instinct," but I dont believe all FTM have an instinct and its a learned thing.

When I had my first son he cried A LOT...so much so, that our neighbors in the hospital complained to the nurses that he was being too loud. People would ask me what I think he needed or if he needed to eat again and I literally had no clue. The pediatrician asked me if I wanted to keep breastfeeding or try formula, and again, I literally had no clue what the answer was...Looking back, there is no right or wrong answer to these questions, but its something I just had to figure out. It's a new person thrown into your life, that you didnt get to pick, so it's a personality that might clash with your personality and you just learn how to work with them. I dont even think it comes that quickly all the time, I always says the first 6-8 weeks are the hardest with a newborn for this reason, but by that time, you start to learn and understand your baby better enough that it makes things easier.

marebear15 · January 2021

Re baby knowledge: Let Google be your best friend. Literally Google everything. Can't figure out how to latch your baby? There are tons of images, articles, blogs, Youtube videos about how to get a baby to latch. Want to know if a poop looks normal? Google it. You'll also find so many opinions and ways to do things, so if one things doesn't work, then you can move on to another. You also won't be stuck in one person's way of doing things. That's what I don't like about the books or IG accounts. You're looking at one parent's way, and that way might not work with you.
You can also Google general things, like "3 month old baby" and find out what activities you can do, what milestones they might be coming up on, etc.

Re 2nd baby bump: My 2nd baby definitely showed sooner, started evening out around the halfway mark, and around the 3rd trimester ended up being smaller. I'm carrying this one similarily to my 2nd, so I'm curious how I'll look. I started about 4 lbs heavier the 2nd time, and 7 lbs heavier the 3rd time, but I tend to gain ~30lbs each time.

_orchid_ · January 2021

Second @mrs_massie - the first few weeks it feels like you got thrown into the deep end of a pool and are learning how to swim. I had no help and dh went back to work the day after I came home from the hospital. I was healing from an emergency csection but couldn't really rest bc I had to take care of ds1. I am type a and am very goal oriented, and it killed me that some days I literally didn't do anything but feed ds1, change him, and go to the bathroom myself. It is all about survival at the beginning, but it gets so much easier as you get your footing and start figuring out your new person. I had a whole picture of myself as super mom from day 1, going out to get Starbucks/target/going for walks every day with my newborn, and that did NOT happen.

With ds2 (born in January), I set super low goals for myself. I told myself I wouldn't leave my house (except for dr appts) the whole first month of his life. I did go out a few times, and it felt like an achievement rather than a disappointment that I didn't do more.

Also- I expected to love ds1 like no other from the moment I saw him. I DID have unique feelings for him that I'd never had before, but they were more protective feelings instead of love. I would've given my life for him, but didn't really feel love. I had to get to know him first, and then I fell literally head over heels in love with him. I can tell you everything about the moment I fell in love with him- it was 12/10/13, he was 9 weeks old, and it was butterflies in my stomach, etc. I had been so worried about not feeling that love feeling from birth, but it came!!

ramzlau · January 2021

Ahh yes everything @_orchid_ said! I went to Target when DD was 10 days old and left her with H (which was very emotional for me). I was gone 45 min and buying things for her. I could barely walk and was desperate to get home by the end of the 45 min lol. Set your goals low for getting out in public that first month!

ashaislurking · January 2021

@marebear15 100% yes to not being afraid to Google or ask questions while you're getting parenting figured out! It can be so important to see that not only do different parents have different ways of handling situations but also that you're not alone in learning how to navigate it!
@_orchid_ Also yes to setting the bar low for what you'll be able to do in the first month or so after having baby! I didn't drive for close to a month after having my c-sections, let alone try navigating any public place on my own for any length of time. Quick run into the pharmacy to pick up a prescription is one thing, full on grocery shopping trip is another. I think one thing that I will thank pandemic life for is normalizing grocery and restaurant pickup and delivery services. I'll definitely be utilizing those services more postpartum this time around than I ever did before. Don't be afraid to rely on friends and family (within your comfort level) for help getting certain things as well! I also -highly- recommend stocking up on your favorite harder to get products (any specialty skin/hair care stuff you use, etc.) so you don't run out after having baby. Keeping those products around and keeping up with self-care really helps you feel more human during a time when you're sleep deprived and everything is so new.

mc0303 · January 2021

Def agree with @_orchid_ that the loving feeling took a while to develop...mine was a long while. PPD was a real B. It probably took like 5-6 months and then I just went crazy for this kid. It’s hard getting to know anyone! Let alone someone who can’t speak and their only communication method is crying and you’re tired AF. But once their personalities start shining through...my goodness. Every night mh and lay and talk about how in love we are with DS lol

ellieemc26 · January 2021

So I as going to wait until later to ask this, but since the conversation sort of veered this way anyway, how long did it take for you to feel like you could get back doing "normal" things after delivery? And what impacted you most, was it being tired from the baby or your own physical recovery? I've been feeling very nervous about this lately as my family seems to be acting like this is no big thing and I'll just pop right back into the swing of things but everything I see online or in books tells me otherwise. After reading some of your posts I think I may also be setting my own expectations too high!

mrs_massie · January 2021

@_orchid_ YES!

@ellieemc26

I went into my first maternity leave thinking I was going to be able to do sooo much. Work on some hobbies, enjoy summer break, ect.....DO NOT set these expectations for yourself. If you are able to do those things, great, but don't go into it thinking this will be the norm. Understand that its normal to feel like your not getting anything done, but that time is sooo needed to adjust to mommyhood and for your wellbeing.

When I was breastfeeding my second son, I felt like I wore a dent into the couch because I stayed in the same spot all day, everyday for weeks. Then, even as a STM, I was navigating a whole new baby and had to learn how to care for him. He wanted to be held all the time, I couldn't put him down at all and I was so scared that was my new normal. Of course, this phase ended and I'm not still holding him all the time so Its also really important to remember everything is temporary and no phase lasts forever. I think this is an important thing to remember even for the phases your are going through that you really love.

wanderlustsoul · January 2021

@ellieemc26, I think it really depends on the individual. I had very low expectations but I had a good recovery (despite a horribly traumatic birth) and was ready to be out the house. When my DS was 4 weeks, I travelled to Italy from Amsterdam and spent 2.5 weeks in Italy. By 7-8 weeks, we were going out to meet friends at bars. These things are so unusual though. And even though it was my experience, I have no expectations of the same for this baby. My sole goal then, and will be this time, was survival. I had really bad cabin fever by the time my son was born as it’s mandatory to begin maternity leave here 4 weeks before your due date and then he was 1 week late. I think that contributed to my need to get out of the house. By the time he was 2 weeks old, I had been without a real social network for 7 weeks (the last 4 weeks before my pregnancy, we were all working on our thesis for our MBA so I hardly got to see my friends). 😶😶

ashaislurking · January 2021

@ellieemc26 I'm going to preface this by saying that both of my birth experiences were emergency c-sections after hours of labor and both were traumatic in their own way. My birth experiences are NOT typical. THAT being said, it took me about a month or so post-surgery to start to feel mostly normal and it was definitely a combination or physical recovery and parenting a new tiny human both times. I recovered from my second delivery physically better than my first, but emotionally I was screwed for a few months because of the trauma of his delivery and our NICU experiences. With my first I emotionally recovered well, but I was prescribed a pain medication that we later discovered that I'm allergic to while I was recovering from my c-section so that set back my physical recovery a few weeks. All of that is pretty much my long way of saying that, in my experience, each birth experience will come with its own set of challenges and it's better to set low expectations. Be prepared that some things might not be totally "normal" right away and you might not just "bounce back" and that's OKAY! This time around I'm VERY lucky that my dad is willing to watch my older two for up to two weeks after having my c-section so I have time to recover, establish breastfeeding, and bond with this little one before re-introducing my older kiddos to the chaos. Taking time for yourself to slowly re-adjust to normal life is absolutely okay and there's zero shame in waiting things out and taking it at your own pace.

sgrn18 · January 2021

I had a somewhat planned c section with my first. I knew he was breech, but we were set to confirm that via ultrasound then schedule a c section for later. My water broke before all that happened at 36w6d. So it went from planned to urgent csection in the middle of the night. I know I expected to be able to maintain the house as well as get out of it occasionally. We went out one time in the first 2 months at 3weeks pp to buy some bottles.. lol 😂 The maintaining the house bit got between my husband and I until he had to stay home with him alone for an entire day while I worked. He realized real quick that it was harder to do things than he thought. I didn’t feel completely normal healed wise until about 4 weeks pp, mentally like 6 months lol.

marebear15 · January 2021

@ellieemc26 - I feel like somewhere around the 3 month mark I was starting to feel more normal with both my babies. Obviously I was able to go on walks before then, move around, go on outings. I was probably pretty healed physically by 8 weeks, but I didn't feel myself until the baby started sleeping better, my milk supply regulated, and breastfeeding became easy.

Ask a STM(+) a Q - M/O January 2021

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