TTCAL November 2020

fitzfizz · November 2020

@inthewoods23 I’m in for a weekly thread!

@kiki047 I just wanted to say that I cried at work earlier when I read your comment. I’m so sorry that any doctor would tell you to “flush whatever comes out.” The charitable interpretation is that they were trying not to trigger you at all by not making it a big deal, but it is a big deal. I still get really upset when the genetics lab or insurance company kept referring to “the tissue.” Like, that is my daughter, she had a name, can you seriously have some compassion!? Everything about loss sucks.

kiki047 · November 2020

@fitzfizz "Everything about loss sucks" just about sums it up. No two situations are the same and it is so hard to put into words just how devastating it is, but I'm so grateful to have this group to talk to who truly understand the full impact.

nlc_atx · November 2020

@sienna221 That list is spot on. I didn't even mention the medical bills because I have such a long list of what's been bothering me lately, but my d&c is costing 2/3 what I expected labor to cost. I'm really grateful I was able to pay this at once because if I'd had to pay monthly for a while I would just not be able to handle it.

@fitzfizz Cancelling planned leave sounds just awful. I'm with you on "everything about loss sucks," and every time I hear about something someone else went through my heart just breaks.

@bumblebee0210 @kiki047 Both of those thoughts do help, and they're similar to what I told myself and DH when I first started spotting (I had 3 weeks of spotting before)... at first I said that I couldn't wait until the baby was born so I could stop being so worried about being pregnant and feeling like there's nothing I can do to prevent anything bad from happening, and then I realized that's when parenting anxiety starts...

@inthewoods23 @kiki047 Love the idea of spending tonight drinking at home. I had my first drinks in months the weekend I took the misoprostol--buying a nice bottle of bourbon on my way home from the pharmacy was probably the highlight of that weekend. Last weekend I got my favorite wine, and that was nice too.

I'm also game for a weekly thread.

kiki047 · November 2020

@nlc_atx I've also been savouring the bottle of wine my cousin brought over, my first drink since August. And not gonna lie, I've been spiking my coffee with pumpkin spice Baileys all week

I'm much less ragey that way when I have to deal with dumb people for work.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/LPf3apwI9qLOwMxuFc/giphy.gif

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

omg, I need to get out of this week's UO thread. I'm sure some of you have also had the experience of going through loss alone in the hospital (for me I was alone for the 8w ultrasound when I found out I was expecting twins, the 11-w appointment when I found out there were no heartbeats, and the D&C) because of community spread of COVID, and when people are like "sorry IDGAF" I am just like 😡😡.

sienna221 · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 I haven’t been paying attention to the UO thread but wow, I had not even thought of that. I was lucky as MH was allowed in for my 8w appointment and with me at the 11w when we found out about the MMC because they were doing U/S at both. He also got to sit with me during the D&C. I can’t even imagine for you all that had to be in there alone for any or all of that. I am so so sorry.

fitzfizz · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 My response is in a spoiler because anyone having a bad loss day may not want to read. TW termination mentioned.

People taking this very blasé make me sick. Due to the current political climate in my state, it is illegal to have a termination past 12 weeks, even if it is for a lethal genetic abnormality with no hope of life. This means I had to travel out of state, and because of the pandemic we were not allowed to fly. Basically I had to drive 2 days in each direction and be alone during the procedure because MH was not allowed in the building. The protestors yelling at me outside the clinic were congregating in a large group and not wearing masks, and I assure you the irony was not lost on me.

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

@fitzfizz

I am so sorry you had to go through that. This may be weird to say because I am just a stranger on the internet, but I think about your story a lot, especially with all of the talk about Roe given the appointment of ACB to the supreme court. It's just awful that women's health is politicized (primarily by men), and that anyone would wish any additional burden on women who are going through some of the hardest experiences of their lives. And yes-- the irony is real.

kiki047 · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 oh yes, that has been a big trigger for me too, and thankfully I was given the option of doing the misoprostol at home (although I have not yet received confirmation that it was 100% effective, and may not for several more weeks) but the thought of having to go through that alone is worse than having to go to my 3 ultrasounds by myself because of covid restrictions. And now when we think about where we'll go from here we're faced with the very possible reality that we could have another 4-6 month wait before we can do anything IVF-related and all the emotions come flooding back.

ETA:
@fitzfizz I have so much to say on that but I'm so overwhelmed with emotion/rage/sadness/disappointment that I can't form the proper words so I'm just sending you great big hugs. I am so, so sorry for your experience

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

@kiki047 Ugh I am so sorry-- misoprostol is the *worst* drug. And yes-- mc especially sucks when you already feel so impatient to be pregnant and now you are back at the starting line (or behind the starting line because of COVID)... once again everything about loss sucks. FWIW, I appreciate you bringing up the privilege thing. It is *so* related to this whole mentality of like "my family is fine, what's wrong with you?"

*tw* living child mentioned

And this is probably unfair because she has apparently been in this community forever and I don't know her story, etc., but in some circles here just *being* a person who is trying for her like 5th? 6th? child, still bf, etc. is a little triggering for some women (at least me), so I think saying "IDGAF about social distancing" in conjunction with all of her like "my kids this" and "my mommy group that" was especially infuriating. Again, probably unfair, but how I felt.

kiki047 · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 pretty sure it's 6th or 7th kid but yes, that in itself is a privilege for those of us who can't get/stay pregnant, and is a massive trigger when our access to the care/treatments we need is restricted. MH never got to be there to hear the HB in the first place, and wasn't there for the US that went badly either. I got pink-eye a week after my FET and my acupuncture clinic wouldn't let me come for my treatments because apparently it's a possible covid symptom, then it didn't end up going away for 3 weeks during which time I had a covid test (negative) but was quarantined anyway. I bled heavily for a week (that ended up being an SCH, and the likely cause of my MC) and my RE would only do consults over the phone. I only did half the # of betas that he would've liked because of quarantine, and I almost didn't get to do my ultrasounds at all because my viral conjunctivitis turned into an actual cold. The only reason they let me go was because I had a second (negative) covid test 5 days prior.

I'm mourning so much more than just the loss of the baby, it is the entire experience that has been tainted by covid and just the very fact that my own parents felt like they couldn't hug me after my loss is so f*cking unfair. I bent my own rules to accept a select few hugs because I don't think I would have gotten through it without some support, but f*** the people who don't give a rats ass about anyone else because what they have isn't that bad.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 I dealt with the same for my ultrasounds at the fertility clinic. I thought it was silly because it's in its own area of the hospital so there was very little traffic. It does really suck to get unexpected or not great news when you're by yourself. I'm also really bad at relaying info to DH because I seem to forget parts of the conversation I have with doctors and such.

@fitzfizz I can't imagine what you went through. It's insane to have to travel out of state for a medical need.

Discussing privilege here so I'm spoilering it for those that don't want to read on the subject

Privilege is such an interesting topic. Lots of people/women (myself included) don't understand just how privileged they truly are. As an engineer, I've thankfully never had to deal with egregious sexism and harassment at work while I know many women do. Plus there's the "supposed" wage gap, something DH and I have been having disagreements on lately. That ties into how often/well men and women negotiate and also societies expectation of our behaviors. Like men that are aggressive are seen as leaders while aggressive women are seen as bitches (or what have you). UGH. I hate these topics. It's just so hard when you have so many people who don't see anything wrong with how things are.

kiki047 · November 2020

@inthewoods23 oh absolutely, we talk a lot about privilege in our circles as well.

I fully recognize that I am also in a privileged position that we can financially afford to do IVF in the first place, that we have easy and unimpeded access to some of the best healthcare in the country, that we live in a safe neighbourhood, that we have our own vehicles and don't need to rely on public transit, that we can work from home when needed, that we have plentiful access to food, entertainment, etc. The list goes on. But as a woman I'm at a disadvantage in my industry. As an Asian I face microaggressions as well as blatant racism on a regular basis. As the youngest person on the board of directors in the organization I'm a part of I face ageism as well as sexism.

It's a fascinating subject and I'm learning more about it all the time.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@kiki047

All of that is so true. I have the privilege of no student loans because my parents paid for all of it. DH and I have well paying jobs and can afford 2 electric vehicles among other non-essentials. House hunting was based on only DH's salary so that we could still afford the mortgage even if 1 of us were to lose our jobs. Hilariously, future BIL made a comment one day about a friend of his (married with 1 kid I believe) that makes $75k and can save half of it. Meanwhile DH and I are just staring at him with blank faces because we save pretty close to half our income. It pretty much proved to us that future BIL spends way too much money on all these guns he wants instead of saving it for emergencies (although I suppose you could argue the need for a gun in certain emergencies).

I'd love to chat with you sometime on the culture aspect as well. Having grown up in predominately white neighborhoods, my experiences aren't very diverse and I'm sure I have said things that I don't realize are hurtful nor do I understand the world from their perspective. It's really hard to find an avenue to discuss and ask questions in an open and honest manner without judgement. I wish I knew how to support people, I just don't know how. Same with those LGBTQ+. At best I know there is absolutely no reason at all for me to treat these groups any different from others, but there is always that fear of saying something wrong. *cue me worrying that I've said anything disrespectful when I discuss these kinds of topics*.

kiki047 · November 2020

@inthewoods23 hit me up anytime you want to talk about the cultural stuff! I can talk about that all day long. No judgement when it comes from a place of wanting to learn more and genuine curiosity. I asked a BIPOC friend the same thing when I was wanting to learn more about black experiences, and she was so open and warm about it. You know where to find me!

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@kiki047 thank you!

grogu · November 2020

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. - MMC at 10w, found out at 13w2d (Nov 9). We saw the hb at 8w3 days and thought everything was fine.

Status: still bleeding, waiting for AF

How are things going? Sadness comes and goes. I am off work for another week and got for an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any retained tissue.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? Everything sucks. I was due on my 10 year wedding anniversary. We booked a staycation for xmas so I can avoid my in-laws and not pretend I'm ok.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Questions? Most of my symptoms have disappeared but now I'm leaking milk so that's fun... Not really a question but anyone else deal with that?

GTKY: What is your favorite thanksgiving food? We had Thanksgiving last month but I love mashed potatoes.

Kenneylynn3 · November 2020

@babyyodaonboard I had milk leaking with my loss at 20 weeks due to being so far along. I don't believe it's as common with earlier losses, but you can use cabbage leaves or take decongestant meds to help try and dry you up faster. My Dr had recommend soaked tea bags but I don't remember the reason.... I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

@fitzfizz I can't even imagine going through your situation alone. I went through finding out there was no hb on my own and driving the hour home to tell my then bf. My heart aches for you and that experience you had.

@inthewoods23

you can talk to me about the LBGQT+ but I've only found myself to be a part of that community for the past 6 or so years. I was previously to a man I thought I was straight. 😬 So I'm not sure how well I would be able to answer your questions/thoughts/ ect.

fitzfizz · November 2020

@babyyodaonboard I’m so sorry for what you are going through. We are here for you and you are definitely not alone. With my 22 week loss I definitely leaked milk and had a lot of pain related to engorged breasts. Decongestants helped dry it up with the leaking after about a week, but the first week I found sitting in the shower and letting some leak out with the warm water to be the most soothing for the engorgement. If you are only leaking and not engorged, taking Sudafed (pseudoephedrine works much better for this than phenylephrine), and using cabbage leaves with a tight fitting sports bra seems to be the most helpful.

For what it is worth, the leaking milk for me made me so sad every time. It was a constant reminder that I didn’t have a baby to give the milk to and it made me really sad. So if you feel like that too, that is normal and again you are not alone. *Metaphorical hug from and internet stranger*

Everything about pregnancy loss sucks.

sienna221 · November 2020

@babyyodaonboard So sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. My experience was similar to yours although everything a little earlier: heard heartbeat at 8w...lost at 9w...found out at 11w U/S. And I’m not sure if you were like me, but I was uneducated/naive with MCs and didn’t even know a MMC was a thing. Figured “I’m not bleeding and have symptoms so everything is fine”...so was shocked when the OB delivers the news. Big virtual hugs to you! I also leaked milk a little bit...for me at least, it was light and went away now at 3.5 weeks post D&C.

@fitzfizz I think that should be a hashtag...everything about loss sucks... #EALS 😂

*Edited because I apparently can’t make an acronym correctly with the right letters*

grogu · November 2020

@sienna221 @fitzfizz @Kenneylynn3
Thank you all. I'm glad it's "normal" even though it doesn't feel that way.

Covid has made everything with this experience 100% worse. I sat in ER by myself after my ultrasound for TWO HOURS waiting for confirmation of what I already knew. I had looked at the screen when the tech left and saw that it said 10 weeks instead of 13.
Then went to the gynecologists off alone and waited again to get the prescription for Misoprostol.
I keep replaying Monday in my head and it f*cking hurts.

ETA: changed my username since on board no longer applied

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