Ask a STM+ March

ziggymama06 · March 2020

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pengy16 · March 2020

Any STM having their older kid with them at the anatomy scan?

tyrion_ · March 2020

What do you consider older? My 4.5 and 2.5 year old will stay home with a sitter.

[Deleted User] · March 2020

@pengy16 I most likely will bc I don't have a babysitter, but she's only going to be 18m by that time so I'm not sure how much she will understand. But I don't mind showing her in a more concrete way the baby we are talking about in mommys belly, though.

coldlife · March 2020

At this point, we're planning to leave both with a sitter. With D2, we brought D1, who was 1.5ish. It was a pain for my H to wrangle her and also be able to pay attention. And he's the one who finds the scan super interesting and always has questions.

gomillis · March 2020

@pengy16 We are planning to bring DS, who is 3. He’s very interested in my pregnancy and really wants to see the baby. Typically he’s really good at the doctor so I think he won’t be too disruptive.

RedBaramid · March 2020

@pengy16 I was kind of late to the game as far as getting in with my OB. My 5 year old has attended all but one of my OB appointments with me since we haven't lived where we live long, she's not in school yet because of birthday timing, and we don't really have a trusted sitter down here yet. So, she was along with when I got a pelvic exam, she saw the 14 week ultrasound, she's actually been doing great. We're not big on letting her have hand held screens at home so when she comes to the doctor with me she gets coveted tablet time. She does occasionally look and ask questions but it's not been intrusive and my OB's office has been great with her (she typically leaves with lollipops.) She will 100% be at my anatomy scan with me. If my husband manages to be able to squeeze out of work early to come to that appointment (which is what he wants, he came to 90% of my appointments with DD and he has been to none with this one so far) she will be with us because that's where we will both be, otherwise I don't really have another place for her to go anyway. If you're stressed about having an older child there, maybe you could call your doctor and ask them if it's a problem? I bet they would actually reassure you that it's no big deal. If you're worried about questions I really think that honest age appropriate answers are probably the best way to go.

fitandnerdy · March 2020

I'm not sure if this has been covered yet... but for moms that use daycare, what types of questions should I ask? what are things I should be looking for?

We are going on 2 daycare tours on Friday... one to a more "chain" type facility and another that is more of a bougie fancypants daycare (that already has a waitlist for January lol). I really want to be able to tell if the extra cost is "worth it" but I'm not sure what types of things are important to consider!

RedBaramid · March 2020

@fitandnerdy First, if they allow you to drop in for visits, DO IT. Drop in at random, just to take a peek. Drop in at different times of days on different days. That's going to give you a good look at what's going on. While our daughter did not ultimately need to go to day care, questions I asked consistently were about their ratios. What was the child to care giver ratio for the age groups relevant to me at the time. What was their policy on breast milk use? If a child did not finish a bottle would they refrigerate it for a couple hours later or would they dump the entire bottle after the feed attempt had been made. I asked about their sick and medicine policies. Would they administer antibiotics or Tylenol I had brought in for the child? What would constitute us being called to take the child home? What kind of communication would they give us for potential flu or hand/foot and mouth exposure? What are their policies on early/late drop off and pick up? What are their policies on cleaning and sanitizing toys and equipment? What does the payment schedule look like? If you are going on a week long trip and won't need care that week will you still be responsible to pay for day care to hold your place? I'd also check in about their use of social media, do they post photos of children at the day care online? Are you able to opt out of having your child's photo taken if they do use social media? When I got to hang out in rooms and meet staff, I liked to ask the staff how long they had worked at the facility and if they had worked in child care long. I didn't try and ask them if they liked their current job(of course they are going to say yes) but tried to frame it in a get to know you kind of way with opening up asking questions about who they were like what their interests were etc. (These people are taking care of your child, it's okay to ask some basic get to know you questions just don't super pry into their personal business. Most of the time the care givers also asked the same questions of me, often before I could even ask it of them. They were always positive exchanges.) They are going to be polite but busy when you're talking to them but noting a trend in employees that all seem to have started recently may indicate a high work load and general unhappiness and that may not be an environment you want your child in. A lot of times staff were young women, college students, in the area I lived in and I would ask them what they were going to school for that sort of thing.

riatortillaxo · March 2020

@fitandnerdy Ask about where the baby will sleep and make sure they follow the safe sleeping practices like back is best, nothing in the crib,..
Ask about teacher ratios.
Feeding- will they let you send in some frozen breast milk to have on hand in case of an emergency (if you plan to breast feed). What sort of labeling do you need on bottles so you can plan for that.
What sort of toys and "activities" will they have for baby to explore?
What sort of updates or daily log will they provide for you throughout the day?

I think the safety is most important but all the other perks are nice to know to make a good decision. For us it was so much of a gut feeling with the vibe that you get from the teachers there. We met our provider and she was so kind and asked us a lot of questions about our son which was nice. We just knew it would be a good fit.

kgrgreen · March 2020

@fitandnerdy Definitely the safety questions the other mamas have pointed out. Other questions I wanted to know were:
- How often they change diapers?
- Do they wake the baby up to change or feed them?
- When it's time, will you have to provide food and snacks (this can really add up as an unanticipated expense)? - - My daycare offered free formula to babies that weren't breastfed. Do they provide that (if that may be an option and important to you)?
- What are the qualifications or certifications of the teachers and aides?
- How do they report accidents to you and at what point will you be notified?

I agree about how you "feel" at the daycare. We visited a few. MH originally advocated for a facility that had 1 out of 5 quality stars because and was least expensive. When I asked about their 1 star, the Director told me that "stars don't really matter" and it "basically just gives extra money" from the state to use toward their programs. This is false. The quality program measures the qualified staff with certifications/degrees, programs in place that promote structured curriculum, proper classroom ratios, child assessments, etc. I could not have ran faster from that place. So, gut instinct helps when making your decision!

emiliadkay · March 2020

@fitandnerdy You've already gotten some really comprehensive responses, but a few more ideas:
- What's the security camera situation? In the unlikely event there's ever an incident, will there be a video recording that can be reviewed?
- How do they group kids by age? When will the first classroom transition be? The second?
- How do they handle naptimes for the littlest ones? (Newborns will generally get to sleep at will, but how soon will they be prodded toward a fixed 2 or 1 nap a day schedule?)
- How do they provide daily reports; is there an app/online portal or is it all done by paper?
- We knew we wanted to CD, so we also asked about whether they were willing to work with us on that. For us, this was the differentiator among daycares that were otherwise very, very similar.

pengy16 · March 2020

I am not tagging since there were several responses but..
DS1 is 5 and super excited about the pregnancy. I think he would enjoy getting to see the baby via ultrasound. When I went for my 10 week they did a dating U/S at the OB office and sent me home with a picture for DS1 who put it up in his room. For the anatomy scan I have to go to the hospital which means it could be a long wait and I dont know if he will stick with it through the whole visit. They state in their paperwork it could be up to 2 hours for the whole appointment. I guess I am most worried about him becoming bored and starts to become a distraction. I can always bring home the pictures they provide which DS1 will love but I am trying to decide is it worth bringing him with me so he can see it real time. DH will also be attending the anatomy scan too.

gomillis · March 2020

@fitandnerdy the other moms have covered pretty much everything. I also asked about their vaccination policies and how they handled cloth diapers. Turnover rate is really important too.

One of the facilities we toured really turned me off because they used an app to log everything and update parents. In theory, this sounded great but in practice it seemed like the app was drawing the teachers’ attention away from the kids. I’m sure some schools with apps handle it better, but it’s something to pay attention to.

I also wanted a daycare that was guided by an educational philosophy that was consistent with our values. This is not as important for infant care, but it did seem to distinguish the really good places from the ones that were just focused on meeting basic needs. It also may increase the likelihood that you’ll keep your child in the same place for the first few years.

kdale2613 · March 2020

New question- This will be our second child. And I am due on our son's first day back to school. (second grade). I am aware the chances of nugget being born ON the due date are slim. But I also know the days leading up to, and that first week can be hectic. Original plan was that our son would stay with my mother until we come home from the hospital. But that was before I realized it was so close to school starting back up. If you have other little ones in school, what is your plan for that time period if you fall in the same boat?

tara4910 · March 2020

@kdale2613 I think this was discussed a few months ago in a thread but not sure where! Maybe look at the older STM threads? @tyrion_ (maybe?) was saying it was close to the first day of kindergarten?

My daughter is only in preschool, but I’m also worried about so many transitions at the same time.

fitandnerdy · March 2020

@RedBaramid @riatortillaxo @kgrgreen @emiliadkay @gomillis Thank you ladies! I have a much better idea of things to look out for and ask when we go tour!

blackgirlmagic · March 2020

The notes on my A/S paper basically said not to bring kids. The appointment can take up to two hours and if you bring someone with you or not, I feel as if that is a long time for a child to be in a room, with entertainment or not, and it could be a distraction to the tech. I plan to bring my daughter to a private scan later in the pregnancy where the appointment is only 20 minutes or so long.

[Deleted User] · March 2020

Oh my! That is a long time @blackgyrl23 I don't remember mine taking quite that long, but that's good that they warned you. I am going to try and get DH to come along too, so he can take her out and distract her if need be. I don't really need him to be in the room every minute with me.

radiohd18 · March 2020

If my kid had no where else to be, and I couldn't get a babysitter, then I would bring her.
Otherwise, I want to have my full attention on my anatomy scan, not on my kid making a mess in the corner.

WishesSheCouldCook · March 2020

My A/s last time was a long appointment. There was a lengthy ultrasound, a longer wait than usual for the dr, and then we had a billing dept meeting after awards. Our families got worried because they didn’t hear from us for a long time and thought there was something wrong. I do not plan on bringing 4yo dd because her school is open that day.

@fitandnerdy I’m not sure how your state works but in my state you can look up the reports on the state licensing website to see if they’d been reported for anything and what the “scheduled” licensing visits had been like.

coldlife · March 2020

Wow, that is a long time! With D1, it was about an hour total. It was just the ultrasound, no appointment with my midwives. My appointment started prdtty much on time, and I left right after. With D2, it was shorter. The woman worked a lot faster, and it was closer to half an hour. Again, just showed up, had it done and left. I expect the same this time.

cornichonmam · March 2020

@kdale2613 I would deffinalty let the school know that your pregnant and that is when the baby is due. I'm a teacher (11-16) and even at that age we would want to know so we can help smooth the transistion.

charhar0820 · March 2020

Oh wow that’s a long time! Also good to know the A/S does take some time! When I had my NT ultrasound it was about an hour long, I was really getting nervous something was wrong. The tech had me go to the bathroom twice 😂. Turns out my bladder was too full and baby wasn’t cooperating for the measurements but she finally got it, then called MH in so we could have our peak at babe.

So for peace of mind it’s great to know these things DO take time - considering my ultrasound tech seems to be very *hush hush* during the entire process which also naturally makes me anxious. 🤦🏼‍♀️

RedBaramid · March 2020

@kdale2613 I hear you on the concern, we'll have this baby just a week or two before my child starts kindergarten. She did preschool in our old town but this will be a bigger school in a new place and all day as opposed to her half day so I'm not sure how she will cope. I just plan on being transparent when we meet the teacher(s) and letting them know what's happening.

laur84ns · March 2020

@kdale2613 my daughter will be switching from daycare to preprimary school at the beginning of September, too. We plan on “preparing” her for this well in advance by driving past the school in the summer, getting her some new supplies and backpack to get her excited, etc. I am a bit nervous about baby timing though! I’m due Aug 26 and have gone 4-10 days overdue with my other kids. My husband is going to take September off (part of his paternity leave benefits here in Canada) so that should help with the transition and he can take her to and from school. After September, though, I’ll need to get her to and from (now that’s gonna screw up any nap schedule I try to get baby on). Hopefully my husband can do the daycare drop off for our younger DD since it’s on the way to work for him! Lots to consider when you have other kids in the mix as well!

chrissyw0618 · March 2020

@pengy16 not taking DS (22 months) to the AS. He can't be contained that long. My scans will take awhile because of the fibroids. Its also probably one of the few appointments MH will attend. I had soooooo many appointments with my first pregnancy (twice a week almost all 1st tri due to unexplained bleeding) a total of like 25 appointments AND I had him at 34w, 4d, so I probably would have been at 30 if I had made it to 30 weeks. So we were both dr appointment out after last pregnancy. So I'd like us to have that time alone.

kimbo262 · March 2020

I’m not bringing my 4 yr old to the A/S- although I think he would really enjoy it, he would also ask a million questions and be super distracting for everyone. Haha.

My older one starts Pre-school again 1-2 weeks after this baby will come. I’m hoping my husband can do drop off for the first few weeks (or at least be open to me leaving the baby home with him while he works so I can do drop off), but I do worry about everything happening at once. I didn’t schedule any summer camps, etc, for August to give the older one some undivided mom time before baby arrives.

samsonator · March 2020

Has anyone hired a nanny with a previous kid? My DD went to a center before preschool and we had a horrible experience so I have a little anxiety about going that route again. The one we do love is super waitlisted. All the home daycares in the area have told me they don't forsee an opening in January which leaves me the nanny route. Obviously it's too early to start looking, but I'm also nervous to wait and not know if I have care? I feel like it will be weird having someone in our house too. I also hope we can truly find a trustworthy individual. We only need MTF which further complicates it possibly. Any advice or pros/cons?

roo_baby · March 2020

@samsonator yup we love our nanny. She makes life so much easier - makes breakfast and lunch for dd, helped with PT when we went through that, does kid laundry once a week, washed cloth diapers when she was still in them, takes her to the children’s museum and other places I have no interest in going, walks the dog during naptime (not part of her job, but the dog has accidents occasionally so she does it as a preventative), we get to set our own hours and vacation time. Oh and I don’t have to take off work when my daughter is sick!! I can wfh a lot so the big seller for me was that I could breastfeed instead of pump on those days. Not sure I would have made it bf’ing as long as I did otherwise.

The cons are it can be more expensive, If the nanny is sick you need a backup option (only happened twice, so nbd for us), there is wear and tear on your house, you have to keep the place clean all the time (this has been our biggest challenge lol). You are also an employer so hiring and interviewing and stressing over finding the right person in time is a lot. And they can quit at anytime leaving you scrambling to find a replacement. But if you get the right person it’s great.

chrissyw0618 · March 2020

@samsonator we do a nanny share. MH owns his own business and when he is not traveling for work he is working from home. So having a nanny come to our home was not an option bc it would basically mean MH had to work around the kid all day, and there's no way he'd go for that. At first DS went to daycare for a month, when one of my coworkers mentioned her daughter had a nanny and was looking for a family to split the cost with. I immediately looked into it, talked to the the nanny and the other family. Our work schedules aligned perfectly (I usually pull up 5 minutes before they get home), and what we wanted with our kids lined up well too. It helped that our babies were 1 month apart (and DS was born 5 weeks early so really they were the same age) so developmentally they could do everything together. They love each other they are like siblings now (they fight and play and grow together). We love it. Its not easy to find a family you match with but you save so much money. And we live 5 mins apart so its not a hassle. We literally only pay $30 more a week than what we paid at the daycare. We do have to provide all our own food, and supplies though. The kids love their nanny, like a grandma. We lucked up but a good start is looking at neighborhood moms who are also pregnant and planning on going back to work. It works best when your schedules align.

chrissyw0618 · March 2020

Oh cons to a nannyshare: you have to establish all the ground rules upfront, bc obviously its not like daycare where they have rules already in place. (For example our kids stay in 1 room basically (its the room with the living room kitchen and informal dining all in one open area). The kid's room and all other rooms are locked during the day bc obviously the family hosting the nanny needs some privacy with their stuff. One one bathroom is use). This can be kind of hard but you don't have to agree on everything just the major things like screen time, outside time, discipline, etc. Other stuff like diet you dont need to agree bc we each provide our kid's food. DS was given breastmilk only until almost 7 months, while the other kid had formula and baby food at around 5 months. And IMO my kid eats a tad more balanced and less processed than theres. We do both contribute food for them to share like milk and juice and healthy snacks not always but sometimes. And we both bring activities (I typically get stuff from the library for them). another con is if the host family has a vacation or off work on a day that you're not. On those days DS would either stay home with MH, the nanny would come to our house (only happened twice in almost 2 years). But you need to know each other work schedule in advance which we are both really good about. My nanny also goes on vacation 2 weeks a year and you have to find something else for those two week, this last year we just did drop in weeks at the daycare it was hard (on everyone bc DS hated it but we don't have anyone here to help us out). Obviously there is the con of providing your own food and supplies. But I always send more than enough on Mondays to get him through the week.

ziggymama06 · March 2020

Where does one go about looking for a nanny? Care.com?

roo_baby · March 2020

@ziggymama06 yup! Or UrbanSitter or SitterCity. Also, local moms groups or Nextdoor or recommendations from friends or an agency if you have the money and don’t want to put in the work. We had the best luck with the websites, but I know a lot of people find theirs through moms group recommendations. Just please don’t nanny poach.

ziggymama06 · March 2020

@roo_baby Thanks so much for the recs! Ha, nanny-poach... I would never even think of that! I suppose people do it, but jeez how terrible of a person do you have to be?!

roo_baby · March 2020

@ziggymama06 it luckily hasn’t happened to us, but it does happen. Finding a good nanny is hard and people do bad things when they are desperate.

samsonator · March 2020

@roo_baby and @chrissyw0618 thank you guys for the pros/cons! We are leaning towards nanny for now. Not looking forward to having to keep my fridge clean all the time 😅 I just created a care.com account and requested to join some local childcare search FB groups. I'm thinking it's probably too early to really secure anything though

roo_baby · March 2020

@samsonator good luck! I think most people start looking 2-3 months before you need the nanny to start, but it doesn’t hurt to start early. Some know now when they will be available because of kids starting school in the fall. If you are wanting to do a nanny share, you can look for the other family now but may have more luck closer to or shortly after birth, and then it’s best if you and the other family work together to find the nanny.

laur84ns · March 2020

This nanny talk is all so interesting! Thanks for sharing all the tips, and pros and cons @roo_baby and @chrissyw0618. Both of our DDs currently go to daycare (youngest just started last week) and it’s super expensive plus kind of a pain to do drop offs and pick ups. When we have 3 we will consider a nanny. I’m going to start looking in to what it’d cost in our area. So much to think about! But it would be amazing to not have to rush to get the kids all washed up, fed and dressed for daycare in the mornings

tara4910 · March 2020

Fall seems to be a good time to find a nanny through personal recommendations. I agree with the mommy groups of Facebook or church/community groups. Someone who has kids starting kindergarten or preschool might want to help their nanny find a great family. Good luck!

chrissyw0618 · March 2020

@ziggymama06 local fb groups or the websites mentioned above. Like tara said you can find a family with a kid about to start school. My mom who is a prek teacher says a lot of ppl take nanny's from daycares, especially when you are having a baby in the fall. Find a childcare worker looking to transition out of the centers. Most don't make as much as you think. Its just hard to match the hours, especially when add traffic.

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