Thanks for all the input ladies! I don’t think I’ll ask for anything, it’s just not really me. If anything I might try to convince him again that we should hire a cleaning service to give us more family time and less cleaning time
I'm late to the discussion, but I'm just now learning Push Presents are a thing. Had no idea. My birthday is 19 days after EDD so it's more likely I'll get a birthday gift instead of a push present.
I got a text from my mom this morning that she took the week of June 6th off work and plans to visit then. She did not ask me about the dates before announcing that she’s put in for this time off. Baby is due May 19th, so either he will be 2.5 weeks old if he’s punctual like his dad or just days old if he is fashionably late like his mother. Months ago when she first found out I was pregnant, she commented about wanting to visit early on and I told her 1) she would have to stay in a hotel because I’m not up for house guests after baby 2) I would prefer if she visited after MH has to go back to work, so we have time to get in a routine and then when he’s not around, I could more use the help then. So I was mildly peeved and didn’t respond. Tonight I told MH about her text and he’s equally/more peeved than me. I’m not quite sure what to say to my mother. She tends to be a bit defensive if I don’t agree with her on things. Part of me also feels bad that my in laws are in the same town and my dad is much closer and all will likely have met baby in the first few days. My mom gets sensitive about being “left out” even if it’s not intentional, it’s just geography. My mom was there for my nephews birth (so was my dad) but I have zero desire to have her any where near the delivery room. And I feel like she’s going to always compare me to my sister...”well your sister didn’t have a problem with me being there for her delivery or the whole week after.” Ugh complicated dynamics make being the bad guy so much worse. edit: wrong word
@sunshinesea22 that's really tough. Do you think she'll honor your wishes of staying at a hotel or try to stay with you? I would hope that if you explained to her that it's just going to be too close to baby's birth to handle an extended visitor she would be understanding but you are right, family dynamics can be so tricky.
@sunshinesea22 When you get some good advice please let me know— it sounds like our mothers are one in the same! When I told my mom my due date she instantly took that week off work without even asking if I’d want her around. She’s going to stay with us but neither myself nor DH are thrilled at the thought of having her visit for a week while we have a newborn. We have strange family dynamics, but I have not spent more than 48 hours with her since I was 14. Idk how I’m going to handle an entire week postpartum. However, she’s the type that it’ll be more of a headache if I just told her no. I may be able to convince her to stay with her brother and visit during the day.
I still need to tell her that I don’t want her in the hospital while I’m in labor. I only want DH around. My MIL and my second mom (long story) will respect my wishes, but I know she’s going to fight me on it. Looking forward to that conversation...
@heyybritt I do think she will honor my wishes about the hotel. Or at least I think she will but I can’t say for certain. She obviously didn’t think enough about anything else I said to run her vacation time dates by me first
@drkoyya I remember us talking about our similar moms a while back...I bet they would be great friends!
I will tell everyone, as a third time mom, I’ve learned to be meaner in my comments and stand up for myself. Don’t let yourself get trampled by family (well meaning or otherwise). If you don’t want anyone in the hospital, tell them now. Don’t announce when you’re headed to the hospital. Keep room information to yourself. And make sure the staff knows that you don’t want anyone in the room during delivery. If you don’t want family staying with you, let them know. Tell them you don’t want guests and leave it at that. We’re all grown adults that live our own private lives and we should never have to justify our feelings and needs to those outside of our household.
@rox7777 So much this! People get baby rabies and trample all over new parents. Read about the 4th trimester, if you haven't already. Do not let people make you uncomfortable or infringe on your time as a new mom. You'll never get that time back and it can lead to major resentment.
Also, sitting on your couch, hogging your baby while you do housework is not "helping" with the baby. You get to sit on the couch with your baby. People who really help will come over and do your laundry and dishes so you don't have to.
My parents and PIL luckily are respecting my wishes. I only have to stay in the hospital for 4 hours after baby is born so I'm going to ask for no one to come to the hospital and only my parents to come visit when we get home. I know everyone except my older sister will be ok with this. When our younger sister had her baby a few months ago she said she only wanted parents to visit in the hospital the day baby was born. OS was not happy so YS gave in but she didn't even show up until 830pm.
Off topic, I made the poor choice to cut an avocado in my hand last night and ended up with 3 stitches in my index finger. Another thing to add to what's making me lose sleep.
I make a rule that any visitors the first month need to bring a meal. I don't much care if it's store bought or homemade.
They'll also have to play with older siblings this time.
Push presents aren't our thing exactly, but this time someone is getting me either Chinese food (or if timing is bad there's a Noodles and Company and a Panda Express for less authentic) for my post birth meal. After baby's first hour, I'll want a quick shower, and then a meal and then nap. I'll be sending someone out for it.
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
So my mom will be at the hospital because I am a baby still and know I need her there and my dad will come up later but other than them and DS (my mom will bring him and my dad as my dad can’t drive). As for anyone else I’m not sure. DFs dad didn’t come up to the hospital for DS1 so I doubt they will and we both agreed not to tell his mom for a bit, she’s stresses both of us out. That being said last time my cousin and some other random family and friends stopped without letting us know first which I am putting my foot down on. Really I don’t mind visitors but I at least would like to have a bra on.
I have mixed feelings about the visitors at the hospital thing. It's hard to plan when you don't know how your labor and delivery will go. I don't want anyone in the delivery room other than my husband. Anyone else would stress me out, regardless of how much experience they have or how supportive they are.
My parents and PIL luckily are respecting my wishes. I only have to stay in the hospital for 4 hours after baby is born so I'm going to ask for no one to come to the hospital and only my parents to come visit when we get home. I know everyone except my older sister will be ok with this. When our younger sister had her baby a few months ago she said she only wanted parents to visit in the hospital the day baby was born. OS was not happy so YS gave in but she didn't even show up until 830pm.
Off topic, I made the poor choice to cut an avocado in my hand last night and ended up with 3 stitches in my index finger. Another thing to add to what's making me lose sleep.
@jess09lynn Ok, I'm nosey, why do you only have to stay 4 hours? I'm having a rcs so I know I'll be there at least 48, but even vaginal births at our hospital they expect about 24. Maybe you already talked about it somewhere so sorry if so. Also, sorry about the finger!
@splashmountain I have a midwife so hospital birth you go home after 4 hours. Then they will come check on me and baby around 12 hrs then 24 hours. If I were to do a home birth, they would leave after 4 hours then come back for the check ups. If I had an OB then I would stay in the hospital for 24 hours.
For DD I said I didn't want anyone visiting me in the hospital mainly because our hospital was doing a reno on their birth center and put us in a tiny ass room with no space. My husband decided because MIL was doing us a favor and flew in and was watching our dog while we were there for 3 days that she could come to the hospital. Our friend with a 2 month old went and picked her up to bring her, they stayed longer than I would have liked and it was way too much in the tiny room. The next day (cs so we were there for 3 days) MH went home to shower and check on our dog and decided to bring MIL back with him and BIL showed up too because he was bringing MIL back to his house because I said no one is allowed in our house when I get home. It's so awkward trying to learn how to breastfeed when there are people gawking at the baby and won't leave, especially because as soon as she was done feeding MIL took the baby from me and then I had to pump in front of them too. Then we had 1 day at our house alone and BIL brought MIL back, she stayed and the next day MH decided he'd drive the 4 hours there and then 4 hours back to the airport to drop her off when I tried sending her home the day before with my mom who came up for just the day to see the baby even though she knew I didn't want her they're and tried to say she'd see me another time but if I was dealing with MIL you bet I was going to have my mom and sister there too. (they and BIL live 3 hours away). My sister ended up meeting MH at the half way point so he would be back sooner.
I was so angry that was my first week with a baby when mh decided this pregnancy to say he'll be flying MIL out to watch dd I said absolutely not because 1 in hoping for a vbac so she'd have to be here an extended period of time, and now we are in an apartment that only has 2 bedrooms ours and dd and I don't want someone in my place or disrupting my daughters routine as I'm bringing home a new baby. 2ndly if I have a rcs or bedrooms are upstairs and bathroom downstairs so I'll be camping out on our pull out couch for a couple weeks and won't have anywhere to go "hide" when it's time to feed the baby and or pump and I don't want to deal with that. This of course caused a huge fight and mh said if his mother isn't allowed neither is my family, and I'm aok with that because the only reason they came last time is I begged because I didn't want to be with just MIL.
I have no idea what we'll do with dd in either case of its a vbac in hoping our friends will take her if it's at night time and that she'll be at daycare if it's during the day. I told MH he gets out of sleeping at the hospital because he has to go home with dd I don't want her without us over night if I can make that happen. My cousin who I was a support person to during her baby's birth said she'd come up and watch Maddie for us, but I think that counts as having family.
All I know is I hope MH respects my wishes and bil doesn't decide to fly her out on his own without talking to us. We go to NY for the entire summer and have to see her there, please give me the 4 weeks of not having to see her while I'm bleeding and dripping milk and trying to figure out life with a newborn and toddler.
With my first, I had a lot of visitors and MH’s family overstayed their welcome. With learning how to breastfeed, nurses and the OB coming to check you, nurses coming to do something with the baby, and I also had some complications - there was a lot happening. They kept having to leave the room and I was like surely, they will leave now! But they didn’t. Then when they finally left, another member of his family showed up. It was awful. I should have said something, but I didn’t want to come across mean. The second time I gave birth, it was the opposite. My family came for a very short time right after, but the rest of my stay- no one came! It was much nicer, except in my crazy hormone induced thoughts, I felt like no one cared about this baby and my husband left for a while to shower/get some things and I felt all alone and actually cried. Lol. But looking back, I would totally take my 2nd experience over the 1st!
@jhysmath My blood pressure went up just reading that. I just don't understand why mom doesn't matter once baby is born. That would never happen if you'd had any other type of major medical procedure - but since there's a baby, all bets are off. I'm still salty every time I go to my in-laws house and see a framed picture of DS (now 5) still covered in vernix because my stupid husband text them a photo right after he was born. I would lost my shit if he invited them without checking with me first.
@peachnectarine My MIL was convinced DD would be a boy (and we didn't tell her otherwise). She has no interest in boys, so she passive aggressively planned a trip out of the country for two weeks starting on my due date. It was SO WONDERFUL! She would have been unbearable if she'd known we were having a girl.
@ruby696 I no longer use Facebook for another reason because I was sick of going to mils and seeing photos I had taken to share blown up like 8x10 or larger hanging all over the place or shed take them and share them on facebook herself (her Facebook is not private at all). Part of me doesn't even hang photos at all because I can't stand the way every surface of her house is covered with photos.
@jhysmath It's so weird and presumptuous. I enjoy giving grandparents pictures as gifts. I hate when grandparents (or anyone) steals them. It makes me not want to give the good pictures.
DH & I are from LA, basketball household, and ride-or-die Laker fans. The news about the death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter is beyond heart breaking.
Looks like I’ll be spending the rest of the day watching the news for updates and fighting the urge to cry.
@drkoyya MH and I are with you 😔 not Laker fans but both big basketball fans, it was one of the first things that brought us together. We were running errands when the news broke and we can't stop talking about it. Absolutely heartbreaking.
Thank you everyone for sharing your family experiences. To update everyone: I spoke with my mother today and said I am not sure that will be a good time to visit and I thought our conversation went well, she said she didn’t have any particular timeframe for staying, just wanted to meet the baby and then go visit with her friend who has a place further south of us. She seemed so reasonable. I should have known better. A few hours after our call, she texted me “so how long are you going to make your ILs wait to meet their first grand baby?” I did not dignify that with a response. So then she called me half an hour ago to ask me if I’m not telling her something, am I trying to keep her away from my child? Is she never going to be allowed to visit? OH MY GOD! SERIOUSLY!? I told her that’s absolutely not the case, I just want to be the one who decides who gets to visit when and for how long. I explained to her that I’m not sure how I’ll feel after I have a baby, seeing as I haven’t been through childbirth before, and I don’t want people making plans to visit until I know if I’m up for it or not. Ugh. So ridiculous. She said, “well I just didn’t know if you were trying to tell me something when you said not to plan to visit in July/August.” I told her not to make plans to visit us then because we are hoping to take a week at the Jersey shore at the start of August before my maternity leave is over. And because I am a normal person who is considerate of other’s time, I thought I would mention that so she didn’t go making plans to visit us when we won’t be around. Because that’s what started the whole conversation. The fact that she informed me after the fact that she was taking vacation with the intention of visiting, but didn’t even ask me if that would be a good time to visit. Okay that’s my update as of now. I’m sure she’s stewing up more narcissistic scenarios where I’m turning my unborn child against her.
I hate that people think it’s absurd that my husband and I know the sex of the baby and haven’t told them. I makes me not want to tell them. It doesn’t matter and why do they care so much. My own mother is secretly in this camp, yet she knew my sister was going to be a girl and didn’t tell anyone until birth. Now I’m getting guilt tripped because they think people should know before the baby shower. Again, why? I don’t need/want clothes as a gift. I don’t want an entirely pink or blue wardrobe. If I have another child and the sex is different I want to be able to reuse everything and not worry about what color it is or isn’t. Why is gender the first thing people ask about when they find out you are pregnant. Why don’t they ask how I feel? Or if I will need help in some way? Ugh. It’s not that I wish I didn’t know the gender I just wish other people didn’t care so much. I’m just starting to tell people I’m pregnant, let’s worry about that fact for a minute first. Also why is it so difficult to shop for gender neutral baby stuff? Seriously? Most stuff seems to be marketed one way or another and I suspect it’s all to try and get you to buy two of everything if your next child is the opposite sex.
@pirateduck FOR REAL! I know the sex but DH does not want to know, because of this I've literally only told my mom and best friend. I've had so many people say "oh come on! I wouldnt tell!" Its just so irritating. Like WHY does it matter
@sunshinesea22 my mother and I had such a falling out when I was pregnant with DS1 that I went non-contact with her and our relationship has never recovered. It should have happened when she did her utmost to ruin my wedding, but we patched it up then and I tolerated her behavior until finally she went crazy-pants with her narcissism with her "MY GRANDCHILD" antics and I'd just had enough. She pushed me too far and it's pretty much killed our entire relationship. She's never even met DS2 and bullied me until she decided on her own I was pregnant again this time. We haven't spoken since then and I'm happy if that continues. I hope your relationship with your mother isn't as similar to mine as it sounds, but gawd the passive aggressive texts after a conversation sound exactly like my mother. Ick. I'm so sorry she's stressing you like this during what should be a happy time.
I wasn't sure where best to post this or if there was another thread already on this topic. But right now I'm struggling to choose between going with a small midwifery practice that delivers in a hospital or an OB practice that is all women and generally pretty forward thinking. I would love anybody's experience or opinions on it. I'm going to ask my current practice as well (have to change for the move) since they are an OB/midwife collaborative and I can't really get that where I'm going. I'm not tied to a birth plan or natural birth at all, but I do want to work through things as much as I can and avoid unnecessary interventions.
If this was earlier on in the pregnancy I'd take my time to feel it out. But since I'll be starting with the new practice around 30 weeks I feel really pressed to figure it out fast. Thanks in advance for your help! I feel so torn!
@lisush I use an all womens OB office and I love it. They are very forward thinking and tend to be supportive in my choices for VBAC and otherwise which I appreciate. I also have a midwife at my practice that handles the basic appointments and an OB that does the delivery. I’d say having a midwife accessible isn’t really any different than having the CNP I had last time. They both seem to be equipped with the same information, so no advice there.
@p@pirateduck Even when you do announce the sex, they just hound you for the name afterwards. We decided to announce the sex despite me being leery of it already having two boys and this being our last. We’re not announcing the name until she’s born and I can’t tell you how many people have argued nonstop with me. Some people just lack boundaries.
@lisush I personally feel more comfortable with an OB just on the off chance something weird happens. My OB is content to let me try whatever I want (I know I want pain meds haha I don’t do well in pain and will curse everyone out)
@rox7777 anytime someone asks the name we ask for suggestions but never mentioned. Our top choices. Fortunately my husband and I are on the same page and have no intention of sharing the name before birth. It helps that we still haven’t decided on one though.
@pirateduck That's exactly why we just tell people we aren't finding out the sex. It's just easier. Although people still get so offended about it sometimes. Like it's a personal affront to them that we're not sharing which kind of genitals our child will have. We genuinely didn't find out with DS and people still tried to get it out of us because they couldn't fathom someone actually not knowing ahead of time. Major eyeroll. I will say this time at least people generally believe us when we say it's a surprise (even though this time we actually are lying).
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
While my OB is great, there is no way I'm delivering with an OB unless I have a medical reason to suspect I may need a surgeon.
But, I was abused by an OB group, so I'm biased.
Midwives can do everything besides surgery, and in my area even our most natural minded OBs and midwives can still be insistent on some intervention-like IV, continuous electronic monitoring, etc. I'm into non-electronic monitoring, intermittently. And drinking instead of IV.
But, everyone has their own comfort levels. Ask yourself what is most important to you.
I am not really a basketball fan, but I still am saddened by Kobe and Gianna's passing.
I'm currently on the hunt for a walker for myself, to try to get through parenting during the day for the next 4 months. Still trying to work out how to best get my son to and from school/bus stop for free. Paying isn't an option, but walking isn't a good one, driving means having to lift and load kids too many times and involves my younger one missing her nap 5 days per week. There is no good option.
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
jhysmath, but my MILs house is COVERED with stuff on the walls (paintings and prints, not pictures) so I steadfastly refuse to hang anything up on the walls of our room there (they live right on the coast 30 minutes from us, we spend a lot of time there in the summer, so we have a room, BIL has a room, and there's still a guest room).
DD #1: April 2017 DD #2: May 2020 Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
@sunshinesea22 I'm so sorry you have to deal with this situation with your mother.
It sounds like you have done what you can in being direct with her about visiting. I would just continue to be as direct as possible and not let her push you into something you aren't comfortable with. Hold your ground and try not to let it get you overly stressed. Maybe remind her that the birth of your child isn't about her, and if she can't honor your needs during this time in you life then she may end up being excluded.
@pirateduck it is very frustrating that people want to know everything about baby, even strangers, and don't consider asking the mamas how they are doing or feeling. It's like we don't exist anymore. I'm pregnant with #4, I was told congratulations and no one has checked on me since or even asked about how the pregnancy is going or how the other kids are feeling about adding a sibling.
@afranzen85 oh man, don't get me started on the fact that no one even checks in to see how things are going other than my mother and my sister. My pregnancy is going ok now, but it wasn't, for a long time, and I really really needed to hear from a friend during that time and it was hard to bring myself to call people. I would love for someone to just check in and see how I'm feeling, and I know this is crazy talk, but even extend an invitation to meet up sometime.
Re: Randoms (1/20-1/26)
FTM
BFP 08/25/19, EDD 05/04/20
edit: wrong word
FTM
BFP: 9/5/19 ~ EDD 5/15/20
FTM
BFP 08/25/19, EDD 05/04/20
Also, sitting on your couch, hogging your baby while you do housework is not "helping" with the baby. You get to sit on the couch with your baby. People who really help will come over and do your laundry and dishes so you don't have to.
Off topic, I made the poor choice to cut an avocado in my hand last night and ended up with 3 stitches in my index finger. Another thing to add to what's making me lose sleep.
They'll also have to play with older siblings this time.
Push presents aren't our thing exactly, but this time someone is getting me either Chinese food (or if timing is bad there's a Noodles and Company and a Panda Express for less authentic) for my post birth meal. After baby's first hour, I'll want a quick shower, and then a meal and then nap. I'll be sending someone out for it.
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why-i-decided-not-to-have-an-obgyn-and-let-wendy-from-work-handle-my-prenatal-care-instead
(If you're wary of links you can Google the title and it'll come up)
FTM
BFP: 9/5/19 ~ EDD 5/15/20
I was so angry that was my first week with a baby when mh decided this pregnancy to say he'll be flying MIL out to watch dd I said absolutely not because 1 in hoping for a vbac so she'd have to be here an extended period of time, and now we are in an apartment that only has 2 bedrooms ours and dd and I don't want someone in my place or disrupting my daughters routine as I'm bringing home a new baby. 2ndly if I have a rcs or bedrooms are upstairs and bathroom downstairs so I'll be camping out on our pull out couch for a couple weeks and won't have anywhere to go "hide" when it's time to feed the baby and or pump and I don't want to deal with that. This of course caused a huge fight and mh said if his mother isn't allowed neither is my family, and I'm aok with that because the only reason they came last time is I begged because I didn't want to be with just MIL.
I have no idea what we'll do with dd in either case of its a vbac in hoping our friends will take her if it's at night time and that she'll be at daycare if it's during the day. I told MH he gets out of sleeping at the hospital because he has to go home with dd I don't want her without us over night if I can make that happen. My cousin who I was a support person to during her baby's birth said she'd come up and watch Maddie for us, but I think that counts as having family.
All I know is I hope MH respects my wishes and bil doesn't decide to fly her out on his own without talking to us. We go to NY for the entire summer and have to see her there, please give me the 4 weeks of not having to see her while I'm bleeding and dripping milk and trying to figure out life with a newborn and toddler.
@peachnectarine My MIL was convinced DD would be a boy (and we didn't tell her otherwise). She has no interest in boys, so she passive aggressively planned a trip out of the country for two weeks starting on my due date. It was SO WONDERFUL! She would have been unbearable if she'd known we were having a girl.
ETA: tags
FTM
BFP 08/25/19, EDD 05/04/20
FTM
BFP: 9/5/19 ~ EDD 5/15/20
If this was earlier on in the pregnancy I'd take my time to feel it out. But since I'll be starting with the new practice around 30 weeks I feel really pressed to figure it out fast. Thanks in advance for your help! I feel so torn!
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
But, I was abused by an OB group, so I'm biased.
Midwives can do everything besides surgery, and in my area even our most natural minded OBs and midwives can still be insistent on some intervention-like IV, continuous electronic monitoring, etc. I'm into non-electronic monitoring, intermittently. And drinking instead of IV.
But, everyone has their own comfort levels. Ask yourself what is most important to you.
I am not really a basketball fan, but I still am saddened by Kobe and Gianna's passing.
I'm currently on the hunt for a walker for myself, to try to get through parenting during the day for the next 4 months. Still trying to work out how to best get my son to and from school/bus stop for free. Paying isn't an option, but walking isn't a good one, driving means having to lift and load kids too many times and involves my younger one missing her nap 5 days per week. There is no good option.
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
DD #2: May 2020
Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022
It sounds like you have done what you can in being direct with her about visiting. I would just continue to be as direct as possible and not let her push you into something you aren't comfortable with. Hold your ground and try not to let it get you overly stressed. Maybe remind her that the birth of your child isn't about her, and if she can't honor your needs during this time in you life then she may end up being excluded.
@pirateduck it is very frustrating that people want to know everything about baby, even strangers, and don't consider asking the mamas how they are doing or feeling. It's like we don't exist anymore. I'm pregnant with #4, I was told congratulations and no one has checked on me since or even asked about how the pregnancy is going or how the other kids are feeling about adding a sibling.