I could never be a SAHM either. I would probably literally go crazy. My PPD/A was bad enough last time I was running back to work at 6 weeks. This time though, I'm cutting down to 30 hours and I feel like it's the best of both worlds. I'll still have a break from the chaos, time to myself at work, feel like I'm contributing to the household, but also getting to spend a little more time with the kids, and able to schedule playdates, and doctor's appointments, etc. more easily.
Yeah I'm the type of person who go stir crazy as a stay at home mom. I teleworked full time for a year because we moved out of state from my job, and 6 months in I was miserable. I didn't make any friends. I felt like I all I was DH and my cat. And when I would commute back up to work for a couple of days I would be less productive because I was sitting and chatting with people cuz I needed that human interaction.
The isolation factor alone is real. And even if my side business goes into a full-time small business, I feel like I would still wanna do daycare some days so I could go to a remote workplace to interact with other small business owners like a normal human.
And I've totally had someone say "you say that now, but wait until she pops out." And that bothered the crap out of me. I'm not you. And I wouldn't put that on anyone else, just like I don't want what you feel put on me.
@stashattack, It *IS* hard to leave them behind when your leave is over, but it's also nice to have adult companionship again! Being in IT, tho, it's like you're a pariah for getting pregnant, and everyone shuts you out. *shrug*
@stashattack when I was on mat leave with dd, I went to a local shopping centre every day just to get out of the house and interact with other adults & after 9 months started an evening course cause mentally I was cracking up with the lack of stimulation. i am also the parent who has no issue with grandparents taking dd for overnights etc as I need time to myself & I left dd with dh to go on a hen weekend (bachelorette) when she was 4 months old. I missed her but I enjoyed myself. Im a better mummy for having time to myself & I feel like my job is a big part of me & I dont want to give that up for so many reasons. But I also get that that isnt for everyone either & have the upmost respect for sahm’s cause that shit is hard!
And I make no qualms about leaving her is going to be hard. I'll probably bawl on the first day back from Maternity leave. I never doubted that. But I know my personality and I need to be kept busy with something outside of housework or else I will go batty and get depressed. I could never give up working in some capacity just because it'll be a bit hard to leave her with someone else. And I think her being socialized with an entire network of people is super important and for her to know that she has a network of family and friends that she can go to if she needs support that she feels that I can't provide for whatever reason.
Becoming a sahm for me was a huge adjustment. I went from working 60 hours a week to doing nothing until I had ds. I missed talking to adults every day and it didn’t help we had moved to the area 4 months prior so I had zero friends. When Dh complained about waking up in the middle of the night with ds I used to tell him I’d trade anything to be able to leave the house by myself every day. Now after 4 years I couldn’t imagine having to get up and go to work everyday and then come home to deal with kids on top of everything else. I give major props to all you working moms.
I ended up working from home a few hours each week starting at 3 weeks during maternity leave last time. I needed the mental stimulation. I didn't want to be back full time yet, but it gave me the ability to stay connected. I can't imagine being a sahm, I can barely stand working from home even for a day or two.
@FyreFlyeRush I'm fairly certain I'd have killed your SMIL by now. Although at this point, I'd start considering killing SO as he hasn't dealt with his mom yet....😉
I also don't think I could be a sahm, I just am just not that creative to entertain a toddler. I will stay home for 15-18 months when baby is born and that will involve a good chunk of being abroad for a couple of months, but I remember last time by the end I was definitely losing my identity and purpose. Also my spending goes out of control when I'm bored at home haha it's terrible, but I try to find things or projects to work on which equate to money spent, instead of actually earning an income. I hope this time I can somehow prove to my employer that I can work partially from home, that really would be the best balance for me.
Comment of the weekend: You must still have long to go, your bump is so small....I'm due in 6 weeks....
@persnickity, I definitely have my moments where I seriously question the line between being a doormat and understanding. He did side with me on the "helping", although she still seems to think she should see where the baby sleeps. Luckily, at this point, I have TDaP on my side. No vaccine. No baby. SO has deferred all baby safety to me (because my family is very cautious with infants) and backs me 100%.
@FyreFlyeRush the important thing is baby safety and the rest can all get worked out later if it bothers you too much. I had some issues with DH not dealing with his parents at first. He just wasn't aware of what was being said/done. His parents would complain to him and then he'd tell me to calm down. I finally got a chance to point out in the moment what was upsetting me and that's the only reason it got resolved. My in-laws had been treating me a surrogate and not listening to me until I got mean or yelled, despite saying the same thing nicely several times.
@persnickity That sounds like a very stressful and frustrating situation. Good for you for pointing things out in the moment. I let so much slide and then just vent to dh later, which is really not helpful.
Husbands cousin: you FINALLY look pregnant! Me: That's good. I'm due in 8 weeks.
Friend: Your boobs are HUGE! Me: Thanks? They seem the same size to me.
MIL: You're waddling! Me: Yup.
@FyreFlyeRush your MIL is a piece of work. How do you not snap at her?
And why do we still have such antiquated ideas on working moms? I make most of the money and pay the bills in my family. It works for us and I don't hear anything about it, other than BIL who makes sugar mama jokes. I really hope I don't get mom-shamed when I have to return to work from maternity leave. It pisses me off just thinking about it.
@noranorabobora I’m in the same boat as far as income. DH and I very much take a team approach to cost allocation but I pay more since I make more. Plus, the daycare is through my work so it works out well for us. I’d say the “working mom” atmosphere where I work is great and really supportive, but the vibe in my neighborhood is where I sometimes feel like “odd mom out” since I’m not around to socialize at the playground during the day, etc.
@noranorabobora same here. I am the bread winner of the family. It was hard to go back to work after our first, but it makes me feel fulfilled and I like that I can show my children that they have a badass working mama.
@noranorabobora I don't have a lot of people commenting about it. I think they all expected it. I've got a few family members who say side remarks, but I don't see them very often.
It boggles my mind that people feel the need to make comments about how a person runs their family, like it affects them somehow. I've already been getting the questions and funny looks about deciding to be a SAHM. I've gotten "oh, you left work already? When are you going back? Most families need 2 incomes. Are you sure you can afford that?" Since when are our finances your business? And I've gotten the "I could never be a SAHM. Just wait, you're going to hate it" um, thanks for making assumptions about my personal feelings? and my favorite, the condescending side eyed "must be nice" 😑 Working mom or SAHM, someone always has something negative to say. So ridiculous.
@persnickity, I've done both. I absolutely loved the time I had with DS1, and would love if we got 12m paid maternity leave in the States...But there's no way I could do it for more than the ~19mos I did. Even then, I went to school for a year starting at 6mos. I have nothing but respect for SAHM with small children.
@FyreFlyeRush I have every respect for any kind of mom, SAHM, working, step, adoptive, foster, you name it. As long as it works for them, awesome. The one challenge I have with maternity leave being along the lines of a year or other extended period, is the down stream impact. Like then daycares might not take infants, which means anyone who wants to go back early might not be able to. I think it's a very challenging topic overall.
One of my former employees and I crossed paths yesterday. She didn't know I was pregnant, and when I told her (it's pretty obvious????), she goes, "Stay away! Don't give that to me!" (you're 50, unlikely) followed by, "Was this...planned?" Depends, does not trying/not preventing count as planned? We didn't want to get our hopes up by trying. Then, "Wait, you're HOW old? 37? 38?" 42. "Oh, you should be careful about having kids. A lot can be wrong at that age" Yes, we know, that's why we had genetic testing and routine ultrasounds. "But, still...The tests could be wrong." And, lastly, "You haven't been together that long..." Let's just say I now get the meaning of when you know, you know. "Hey, whatever happened to (names SO)?" *facepalm* I seriously wonder who she thinks got me pregnant?
@FyreFlyeRush, wow. Just wow. She covered a lot of ground for 1 casual run-in. From oops-baby to age to questioning the validity of your relationship. I wonder how people can be so obtuse?
@noranorabobora, You can laugh it off and say, "Don't tell me that!" Or, "Oh, I know...I'm counting down the days"...then list the days because we're ALL COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS (65).
Or, sigh in resignation and say "I'm so sick of hearing that." They'll understand if they've been pregnant.
@FyreFlyeRush my tolerance level is getting lower by the day for that kind of bullshit (see my entry for today below) and would have expressly told her how none of that is any of her business!
@noranorabobora i generally answer that with a "yeah im good at the minute" as it doesnt give them much to comment on after.
My entry for today is.............. one of the other project managers on my team was mentioning that he was going to the gym this evening to do a spin class and that hes only been twice and found it really difficult. He then said theres a lady in the class who is pregnant and due in january and is hardcore and does so much better at the class than he does. he said how in awe he was of her especially since her bump is pretty big now. At this point, another guy (who i absolutely do not have the same kind of relationship with that we can banter back and forth the way the other guys in my team and i do) piped up & said "yeah but is she as big as leprechaun lady?". bearing in mind i called him on commenting on my size last week already i was fuming! so i turned round and infront of the whole office rather sharply told him "i've already asked you not to comment on my size in any way. its completely inappropriate"
@leprechaunlady. OMG that's horrible. I'm hurt on your behalf. What is WITH people?! It's like see a pregnant woman, lose filter. FWIW, I think you look amazing, and I'm kinda jealous.
@leprechaunlady that is beyond rude. Good on you for calling him out publicly! Maybe you embarrassed him enough so he will shut up. I’d tell him you can have a meeting with HR if he doesn’t want to stop commenting about your body.
@FyreFlyeRush for a casual run-in, those are extremely personal questions! I've started turning the really personal ones back around. Or highlighting how rude it is. You're right about not having a filter around pregnant women.
@noranorabobora it seems like some people just want to talk about negative things. You could answer that you feel great and they'd still say just wait, it gets worse. You can either just use the I'm fine response @leprechaunlady suggested or something like "it is what it is".
@leprechaunlady I feel like your office and life right now is a perfect example for the world of what not to say or do around a pregnant lady. It's like the entire area you live and work in is filled with idiots.
@persnickity, this woman will squeeze every life update into a 5 minute interaction. She can TALK. I also get the "Was this planned" a lot. In truth, I honestly don't know how to answer that. How do you explain that you and your partner decided to let things happen?
@FyreFlyeRush, it's insane to me that she asked you if your pregnancy was planned. That's such an intimate question and none of her business. I'm thinking the "was it planned?" question often gets disguised as "have you guys been trying for a while?" I've gotten that one before I guess.
Re: GTKY - The Crap People Say Edition 11/7
The isolation factor alone is real. And even if my side business goes into a full-time small business, I feel like I would still wanna do daycare some days so I could go to a remote workplace to interact with other small business owners like a normal human.
And I've totally had someone say "you say that now, but wait until she pops out." And that bothered the crap out of me. I'm not you. And I wouldn't put that on anyone else, just like I don't want what you feel put on me.
PG #2: EDD 8/15/23 Miscarried 9w1d 1/11/23
PG #3: EDD 12/15/23
i am also the parent who has no issue with grandparents taking dd for overnights etc as I need time to myself & I left dd with dh to go on a hen weekend (bachelorette) when she was 4 months old. I missed her but I enjoyed myself. Im a better mummy for having time to myself & I feel like my job is a big part of me & I dont want to give that up for so many reasons. But I also get that that isnt for everyone either & have the upmost respect for sahm’s cause that shit is hard!
And I make no qualms about leaving her is going to be hard. I'll probably bawl on the first day back from Maternity leave. I never doubted that. But I know my personality and I need to be kept busy with something outside of housework or else I will go batty and get depressed. I could never give up working in some capacity just because it'll be a bit hard to leave her with someone else. And I think her being socialized with an entire network of people is super important and for her to know that she has a network of family and friends that she can go to if she needs support that she feels that I can't provide for whatever reason.
PG #2: EDD 8/15/23 Miscarried 9w1d 1/11/23
PG #3: EDD 12/15/23
@FyreFlyeRush I'm fairly certain I'd have killed your SMIL by now. Although at this point, I'd start considering killing SO as he hasn't dealt with his mom yet....😉
Comment of the weekend: You must still have long to go, your bump is so small....I'm due in 6 weeks....
Husbands cousin: you FINALLY look pregnant!
Me: That's good. I'm due in 8 weeks.
Friend: Your boobs are HUGE!
Me: Thanks? They seem the same size to me.
MIL: You're waddling!
Me: Yup.
@FyreFlyeRush your MIL is a piece of work. How do you not snap at her?
And why do we still have such antiquated ideas on working moms? I make most of the money and pay the bills in my family. It works for us and I don't hear anything about it, other than BIL who makes sugar mama jokes. I really hope I don't get mom-shamed when I have to return to work from maternity leave. It pisses me off just thinking about it.
Them: How's the pregnancy going?
Me: Great! Starting to get a bit uncomfortable with the back pain though.
Them: It gets worse.
Or, sigh in resignation and say "I'm so sick of hearing that." They'll understand if they've been pregnant.
@noranorabobora i generally answer that with a "yeah im good at the minute" as it doesnt give them much to comment on after.
My entry for today is..............
one of the other project managers on my team was mentioning that he was going to the gym this evening to do a spin class and that hes only been twice and found it really difficult. He then said theres a lady in the class who is pregnant and due in january and is hardcore and does so much better at the class than he does. he said how in awe he was of her especially since her bump is pretty big now. At this point, another guy (who i absolutely do not have the same kind of relationship with that we can banter back and forth the way the other guys in my team and i do) piped up & said "yeah but is she as big as leprechaun lady?". bearing in mind i called him on commenting on my size last week already i was fuming! so i turned round and infront of the whole office rather sharply told him "i've already asked you not to comment on my size in any way. its completely inappropriate"
@noranorabobora it seems like some people just want to talk about negative things. You could answer that you feel great and they'd still say just wait, it gets worse. You can either just use the I'm fine response @leprechaunlady suggested or something like "it is what it is".
@leprechaunlady I feel like your office and life right now is a perfect example for the world of what not to say or do around a pregnant lady. It's like the entire area you live and work in is filled with idiots.