May 2020 Moms

Crazy In-Laws

2

Re: Crazy In-Laws

  • I wouldn’t know where to even begin about my in laws. There’s a ton of narcissism and enmeshment and my H and I ended up in marriage counseling about a year after DD1 was born because there were so many issues. I will say that things improved a lot when we started laying boundaries and H came to terms with a few facts. For example that he’s married to me and not “in the middle” of me and his mother. 

    Best decision ever was when I told H that when our 2nd baby was born we would not be taking visitors for minimum 2 months. 




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  • @brettanomyces I like the idea of no visitors. My ILs are from the next state over. You would think they are a 10 hour flight the way my MIL complains. Anyway there was mention of them staying over the first few nights/week. Umm no. They can visit us in the hospital or the following day, but I’m not having overnight guests after giving birth. No thanks. 
  • @babyfoxden10 Having someone visit the house for a few hours a day is one thing, having them sleeping/staying at your house 24/7 is quite another.  I was talking to my mom about how we have a queen size bed to get rid of and she's like why don't you put it in the guest room...  umm... because that's the baby's room and will be full of baby stuff, and a crib needs to fit in there.  Yeah, there's no "guest" room anymore.
  • My IL's are just...I don't even have the words right now. So tired of living here with them in their house that they refuse to lift one finger to make more safe for children. We've been here since the end of July when DH had to relocate to find a new job. We're in the process of finding our own house now, but the market is difficult because there's 10 people who want every one house that's listed. Every house we try to go see turns into a multiple offers/bidding war situation. We know we have to get out of here though before we all go insane. They're tired of us and we are tired of them and it's just beyond time to go. We don't really want to rent because renting is more expensive and we'd rather have something permanent but it's not completely off the table since buying is such a tough market right now, I'm pregnant and vehemently don't want to be here, and they are sucky to our kids. 

    DH finally lost his temper with his dad last night. They favor DS2 because he's small and cute and DS1 is tall and rambunctious (because he's a toddler) and looks older than he is, but he's not even three yet. They just fuss and fuss at him constantly and lately it's escalated to telling me in subtle, off-comments that I need to do a better job correcting him. Last night he informed my husband that DS1 should know better than to get into things like his brother does. So by his logic, DS1 should know how to behave like a four or five year old because he looks like one? Who are these two year olds that know better than to touch things and are always calm and not just trying to play every second they get a chance? Anyway, DH lost his temper and told his dad that yelling at a child constantly makes it ineffective when you really want them to listen because it doesn't differentiate big no's from stupid no's. FIL's only response was that he'd stop correcting him if we would do a better job of it. But I'm not going to yell at my child constantly about things that don't matter. That's not my parenting style and I'm not going to parent differently just because you think I should. I grew up in a house where my father never raised his voice unless it was absolutely necessary and while I'm not as good at keeping my cool as he is, I appreciated his parenting style a lot more than some of the other influences in my life. I also can't read FIL's mind on what he's going to fuss at my child about next because it's constantly about nothing crap like him picking up his toy and setting it back down too hard. I'd like to add here that my children have damaged or broken exactly nothing of IL's since we've been here. Nothing. So your guess is mine on what the fuss is about here with them just being kids. 

    It's just so frustrating to be living in a place where everything you do is called into question. All of your parenting decisions have to be defended to a third party who doesn't approve of you. Anytime we're all home together, and the kids are playing in the common living room, I'm stressed out and on edge anticipating drama. One of the IL's usually starts yelling at the kids or being hard on DS1 exclusively or doing something to favor DS2 for no explicable reason and it's just so awful. FIL is married to a woman that isn't DH's mother. She passed and he remarried. Relationship with step-MIL and FIL's kids have never been great but the way she treats my children has deteriorated any cordial relationship now. Currently, I can barely bring myself to speak to her and of late she has taken to staying in her bedroom almost exclusively if the kids are awake, which is fine with me. She likes to talk on the phone in there, loudly enough to hear, about how badly she wants us to get out. Of course she has no concept of how much more desperate we are to leave. This is just such a toxic and negative environment to be living in. Of course we're not telling them we're having a third. One, it's none of their business, and two, I'm sure they'd be hard pressed to be happy for us since they don't seem to enjoy the children we already have.

    It's a game now to see how long I can be pregnant under their noses without them noticing. I think I can go the distance if my OB doesn't ruin everything and sign me up for a bunch of pregnancy stuff in the mail or something. I had a muscle seize up in my right leg a week ago and limped for days - neither of them noticed. They're pretty unobservant, so I'm hopeful they will continue along that strain. Step-MIL favors her side of the family exponentially and my due date is right in the middle of her daughter and granddaughter's birthdays which I'm sure she wont like (Never mind it's also around my own birthday. Of course that doesn't count) and her other granddaughter is pregnant and due also around the same time. I'm certain she won't like me butting in on that situation either. When DS2 was born they couldn't come to the hospital or to our house after to meet him at all because he had the audacity to be born when her youngest granddaughter's dance recital was scheduled. DS1 had to go to the NICU right after birth and she insisted they go home because she was mad she couldn't hold him. They were supposed to be there house-sitting for us while we were in the hospital. Instead they left so DH had to worry about running back and forth to the house to check on our pets and things while his family was in the hospital. So yeah, that's the kind of thing we are dealing with here and why we're not eager to tell them about #3. They have a pretty long track record of being unsupportive, unnecessarily critical, and just kind of awful.

    If we had been able to stay with my family during this transition to moving back home, we would have absolutely done so, but FIL had the space for us, while mine unfortunately doesn't. I'm thankful we were able to move closer to our families and I know this will be a short blip on the radar in the long run, but right now, it's rough living. Step-MIL just thinks she's the one who wants us out the most. Nope, that'd be me x1000. 
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  • Is that house you just got still moving forward? I know you mentioned that some work had to get done, but is it still the plan?

    Also, this is how I feel about your step-MIL:


  • @Austenista That is a lot. I thought you said you got a house, when do you close and get to move in?
    _______________________________________________
    TTC#1 July 2015 
    • BFP: 9/16/15 — MC: 11/8/15 Blighted Ovum
    • BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
    TTC#2 April 2019 
    • BFP: 9/12/19 — EDD 5/15/20

  • @mokay19 @m6agua yesss about that. I was going to post in randoms later about it but suffice to say the inspection didn't go well. There was severe termite damage on the main support beam of the house and it's...going to cave in if seller doesn't do anything about it. And that's just one of a dozen other major things they need to address with that house. Inspector said it was the worst house he'd ever seen. We ultimately decided to walk away and made an offer on another house this weekend. Super disappointing to have to let something go, but there's just too many things the seller needs to address before that one will be livable. 
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  • @Austenista let me say that you are best without that house.  I know I mentioned I was previously in a bad living situation about 6 months due to the housing market.  We were under contract to buy a nightmare house like you describe.  We were convinced it was the house for us and there was little in our price range and what was there would get snatched up by all cash offers/buyers.  I think in the end we’d made offers on at least 6 different homes.  The deal eventually fell through and I was heartbroken and it was all extrmely stressful.  In the end, we got a house.  It wasn’t easy, but it really was the best house of all the ones we’d seen.  I don’t know if I’d say our struggle was worth it exactly, because those 6 months were terrible, but we got a better house than we’d ever dreamed.  You will get there eventually.  You will find a house that you can live comfortably in without major overhauls.  You must decide if all the features on your wish list what is most important, what is non-negotiable, and what you can possible be flexible on.  Neighborhood, number of bedrooms, price, etc.  good luck.  I’m sorry you have this added stress while pregnant.  It’s a lot to deal with.  I’m sure your family relationships will improve some with distance.  
  • @austenista ugh I’m so sorry that the inspection turned out so poor but I’m glad all the issues were caught before you owned it and moved your whole family in! Hopefully you’ll get a better house soon and you can get out of your ILs place!
  • @Austenista Your in-laws treatment of your kids makes me ragey. My daughter is 3 and she touches EVERYTHING. we correct her (gently) all the time, but it doesn't matter. They can't help it, they're curious and they're toddlers! Your poor son, I want to yell at your FIL for you. ❤
  • @Austenista I know you mentioned being on the south side of ATL before, but if you’re looking at Henry county specifically just know housing has sucked here for a while. MH grew up here and when we decided to move back we had to live with our ILs for 18 months before we found something. It’s still not our dream house and way too small for 3 kids, but we’re making it work until we can move further out. 
  • @rox7777 we have looked some down here in Henry but only as a last ditch effort. We are having some luck finding some things in Rockmart. I grew up in Cherokee county and that is unfortunately out of our price range. We’ve made an offer on a house in Rockmart this weekend, the house has a bonus room that we could use as a master which would leave the other three real bedrooms for kiddos. We’d been in Bham for a little while and got spoiled by the cost of living over there. 
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  • @doctorcrime I saw something interesting once...  I wish I could remember the source because I'd be more useful to you, but it's about how as a society we often are compelled when speaking to little girls/meeting children to comment on something they are wearing.  Things like that's a cute dress you are wearing, is pink your favorite color?  Or your hair looks nice in a ponytail.  Etc.  Without intentionally doing it we put an emphasis on the way a child looks/dresses and are thus downplaying perhaps more important aspects of their personality.  Soooo....  here is an exercise you can ask your mom to do, when the time comes, and instead of an attack on her, it's about helping your child grow and develop, but any time your mom feels compelled to talk about appearance, especially if it's your daughter's appearance, to ask/talk about something a bit deeper.  Instead of asking about someone's outfit, we might ask what they ate for breakfast or if they like books or what they want to be when they grow up or about their day at pre-school or what they are dressing as for Halloween or if they like crafts or sports or any number of things.  Point being, there are plenty of things we can talk about with children that they will be more than excited to talk about other than the cute dress they are wearing, that probably reflects the taste of some person who gifted it more than the tastes of the child.  Good luck.  Dealing with mothers is touchy at the best of times.
    I try to be very conscious of this when interacting with children. It really bothered me with DD1 how everyone would fuss over her clothes or hair but wouldn't take interest in the fact that she LOVED books and loved to be read to, or loved to build block towers. I agree with everything @pirateduck said!
  • @shamrocandroll men might not wear spandex, but pretty much every super hero ever did!  Some even wear their underwear on the outside, though I might neglect mentioning that part to your son. 

    You survived.  I’m not sure when you are required to spend time with them next, but hopefully you have a bit of a break.
  • @shamrocandroll My MIL did the same thing with DD! Insisted she open a specific present, so we all thought it would be something that went with the present she had just opened. Nope, just tons of clothes, some still in the plastic shipping bags. DD lost interest super fast and didn't even open the plastic bags - I had to. I mean, she's 3, what do you expect? Especially when you're buying 5T dresses that I'm going to have to store for two years. 🤦‍♀️
  • @shamrocandroll Omg the "Grow A Christmas" characters. I can't  :D
  • @pirateduck My ILs are a bunch of sexist, racist, homophobic, angry a-holes, and at some point this is all going to come to a head because I'm not going to want to raise my son around that kind of crap.

    @ruby696 My MIL showed me 3 things she wants to give me "if it's a girl".  Cool, so apparently this kid gets nothing because of his genitals.  I mean, I'd be ecstatic if she stopped giving my kids this kind of crap, but if she could stop repeatedly talking about all of the things she'll be giving her imaginary granddaughter, that would be great.  One of the things she showed me was a toddler dress she apparently bought for her step-granddaughter, before she stopped being allowed to see her (hmmmm, see a theme here?)...  That happened 10+ years ago.  She's been holding onto a stupid flowery sundress for over a decade in hopes that some day I'll have a child with a vagina.  
    **TW**
    Me: 35 | H: 40
    Married Sept. 2013
    DS1: Nov 11, 2016 <3
    MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
    CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
    BFP!  8/24/19
    DS2: May 10, 2020 <3


  • @shamrocandroll I don't even know what to say to that.... Sometimes I think we might have the same MIL. Apparently all I had to do to get my MIL to like me was to get ku'd with twins. She's practically fawning over me. And I know it's 100% be she has something to brag about to her friends. They've also decided that the twins come from MH's dad's side of the family. Okay, that's not how science works, but okay.... Last night we finally told them we were having a boy and a girl, and although I didn't think it was possible, she became even more annoying. She's all about girls. 

    This is the first year she gave me a halfway decent Christmas present. She got MH nothing. I guess she's realized how valuable my uterus is. 🙄
  • @ruby696 Sounds like it!!!  My MIL has made it pretty clear that she only sees me as a grand kid maker for herself.  We used to live 20 minutes away from them before we moved to NH and she visited us literally once in 4 years.  Then we moved here and she didn't visit for over 2 years (she wasn't invited back after the angry drunken sh*tshw of a visit I referred to above), and now that we have a kid, allllll she does is complain and cry to people that she never sees us.  We see her AT LEAST every 2 months, but that's not enough to her because my parents bought a condo up here and make more of an effort to see us more regularly.  My BIL said he saw her Christmas Eve and all she did was cry about being alone on Christmas.  One of her sons is a firefighter and the other one is a package courier.  They've NEVER been around for Christmas.  She also made a comment about BIL being her favorite because she sees him more (he never moved out of the awful town they grew up in), even though they hate each other and do nothing but fight.  She then followed it up with "but... they're about to give me a second grandkid, so..."  Everything is always all about her.  
    **TW**
    Me: 35 | H: 40
    Married Sept. 2013
    DS1: Nov 11, 2016 <3
    MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
    CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
    BFP!  8/24/19
    DS2: May 10, 2020 <3


  • So many eye rolls @shamrocandroll. She sounds like a real peach. I'm so jealous of people with amazing MIL's.
  • This thread is raising my blood pressure.  I'm sharing a good in-law story to balance it out!  Had some congrats messages from my BIL this morning on the pregnancy.  The new cousins will be only a few months apart in age, we got married within a year of each other, used to live in the same town, etc.  He's someone I'd be friends with if he wasn't family.  He said we'll have to see each other more so the kids can grow up together and I totally agree.  I hate that we hardly see them since they moved and they are still geographically the closest family we have.  I know I have to make an effort to make it better too though.  I still have not yet met my niece and nephew!  (Terrible I know, but the personal medical struggles the past two years have been all consuming).
  • @shamrocandroll @ruby696 I’m so sorry about your horrible MILs!! I can’t even imagine what I would do with a MIL like that. So far I think my MIL is great, but no baby has actually been born yet. It’s more my own mother who is the piece of work, but she’s not THAT bad. Though I’m sure I’ll get more of a guilt trip once baby is here about how we never visit. She and my stepdad are a 5 hour drive away and I prefer it that way. She’s always threatening to move closer but (fortunately) she does not have the funds for such a thing...though she does threaten to just buy a trailer because that’s all she could afford around here 🙄
  • @sunshinesea22 My in-laws live 2.5 hrs away. When they found out we were having twins, the first thing my MIL said was that it looked like they were going to have to move to our town. I immediately responded with, "don't do that, we might not stay here." Whew. Crisis averted. 
  • @shamrocandroll my MIL shops way too much at the dollar store, too! I was cracking up at your gift list because it 100% sounds like all things that my MIL would buy! 
    Along the lines of your BIL making a stripper comment for your son.... my SIL and her husband have no restrictions on what their kids watch on TV and the language that they use in front of them. The boys are 7 and 10 and they watch MTV and YouTube with no restrictions. My SIL thinks it’s funny that they love watch SNL and other skits like that and DH and I are both like “do not show that stuff to our kids... it’s literally made for adult minds...”

    @ruby696 LOLOL you your MIL saying that twins are from her family.... actually, lady, it’s from the embryos that were put in there... but okay. 
  • @mokay19 😂😂😂 They have no idea we did IVF, so I'm just going with it. But even if we hadn't, MH's genetics/sperm cannot tell my ovaries how many eggs to release. It's seriously amusing me so much. It came up again last night, including photographs of the distant twin relatives that MH has never heard of. They are so proud of themselves and FIL's genetics.
  • @ruby696 Bah-hahaha, that sounds like something we'd say to MIL.  We tell her we'll find her the cheapest nursing home we can find someday.   She thinks we're kidding, but... :#  Also, laughing pretty hard at the idea of YH's sperm communicating wiht your ovaries.  :lol:

    @mokay19 Sometimes I cringe watching some of those skits, even with other adults.  I can't imagine watching them with my kids.  I think I was a teenager the first time I was allowed to watch stand-up comedy with my parents, and it was the Robin Williams skit about oral sex, and I still remember to this day the feeling of wanting to just sink into the floor and vanish.  
    **TW**
    Me: 35 | H: 40
    Married Sept. 2013
    DS1: Nov 11, 2016 <3
    MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
    CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
    BFP!  8/24/19
    DS2: May 10, 2020 <3


  • @ruby696 it’s like when people tell me that my family has a lot of girls so I’m going to have girls... yea... not how genetics work.. 😂😂

    @shamrocandroll right?!? I was telling DH that my dad used to mute The Simpsons when we would walk in the room until we left because he knew kids didn’t need to hear that stuff. And it’s only worse these days! And what’s on YouTube... nope!
  • @mokay19 That thinking is exactly why MIL scheduled herself to be out of the country when DD was born! She had all boys and we already had DS, so our 2nd was obviously going to be a boy too... uh, okay.
  • @ruby696 At least the all boys thing would actually be from YH, unlike the twins.  We're actually on the 3rd generation of the men on MH's side of the family only making boys.  MH's paternal grandfather had 2 boys, then MH's dad had 2 boys, his brother had 2 boys, and now MH will have 2 boys.  And BIL is never having kids, so that's it for this generation.  
    **TW**
    Me: 35 | H: 40
    Married Sept. 2013
    DS1: Nov 11, 2016 <3
    MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
    CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
    BFP!  8/24/19
    DS2: May 10, 2020 <3


  • @shamrocandroll I mean, MH's dad was one of 5 boys and MH is one of three. So I can see why she'd make assumptions, but to plan a trip out of the country because you're so over boys? Drama much? She kept saying she knew it was a boy during my entire pregnancy - we did NIPT, so we knew she was a girl the whole time. I just could not handle how over the top she would be if she knew. And the amount of dresses she would have bought. Gah!
  • @ruby696 MIL would have been like that, but I was pretty harsh right from the get go. She was telling people she’d have a nursery at her house and buy everything we needed IF it was a girl. Mind you my boys don’t even have a place to sleep at her house. So needless to say I put the word out that her psycho crap better pass fast or else she’d be banned from my house altogether. She’s amazingly done well so far, but she’s also kept her distance. I fully expect her crazy to start showing the moment I go into labor. What is it about girls that makes them want to act so crazy?! 🙄
  • @rox7777 IDK, but I hate it. I feel like she might as well be saying my son isn't as good. We had a real struggle with giving equal gifts for a couple years and it used to make me ragey. Since they didn't even acknowledge DS's 1st bday, I have a pretty low tolerance for their fawning over DD.
  • @ruby696 Unfortunately for me MIL is unpredictable. She goes through periods where she won’t see the kids for 6 months and then suddenly drops by everyday for 2 months. She doesn’t do much for my boys outside of holidays, but it’s not surprising. She’s already bought the swing, crib and a few other things this time, but I’m just ignoring it for now. I’ve learned that when she pisses me off it only takes one carefully worded comment to get her gone for a few months. 

    We have a rule in my house. No sleepovers until 3 years. No babysitting for the first year. And no unsupervised visits for the first 6 months. Everyone knows this, but she’s already made several comments about it. We’ll see how it goes.

    Honestly, in a way I’m a bit lucky, since DS1’s diagnosis everyone expects us to be weirdos about our kids so I usually get brushed off as being overprotective because he has cancer. In reality I just don’t trust any of our parents and have strong boundaries for all of our sakes.
  • @ruby696 Oh, I 100% get it.  That's why we agreed from the beginning we wouldn't be telling anyone about his baby's sex.  I secretly get soooo much joy every time she shows me some crap she has held onto for 10+ years in hopes that she'd get a granddaughter one day because I know we won't end up with it.  Sorry, it's a boy... find someone else to offload your crap onto.  I will say that she absolutely fawns over DS1, so at least she's not ignoring him because he's a boy.  I'm just really going to have to resist punching her if/when she makes a comment after this one is born about him not being a girl.  
    **TW**
    Me: 35 | H: 40
    Married Sept. 2013
    DS1: Nov 11, 2016 <3
    MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
    CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
    BFP!  8/24/19
    DS2: May 10, 2020 <3


  • @austenista :( I fully support your boundaries. So many people think they have to sacrifice all this stuff in the name of family. Nope. 
    DD #1: April 2017
    DD #2: May 2020
    Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022

  • @Austenista I agree with @catem07 boundaries are so important. If they aren’t set you end up get steamrolled later on. We are still trying to put my MIL in her place, but everyone else always gives into her crazy. I’m so envious of people who have great relationships with their IL’s must be nice. 
  • @Austenista You go girl! Just because you are “family” doesn’t give you the right to be a horrible person and expect people to continue to have a relationship with you. No family is better than toxic family as far as I’m concerned. Also, you won’t go to hell just because someone said so, and you also won’t go to heaven because someone tried to use that as a threat to manipulate your behavior to their liking. That’s  one of my biggest problems with people who claim to be Christians. Jesus didn’t threaten and manipulate, so you don’t get to do so in his name.
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