TTCAL w/o 5/27

emeraldduchess · May 2019

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage/spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What is your favorite flower?

ejoseph16 · May 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. BO April 2019 at 10w

Status: who knows?! I’ve been in WTO for 31 CD now

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I have found that my family talks to me a lot right now about TTC and my MC. It’s kindof nice honestly to be able to talk about it with my mom and sister, since they both went through it as well.

TW: coworker PG mentioned

I’m struggling with a Facebook post I saw yesterday. A coworker just announced she’s due in December, and I was due in November. I’m sad that she felt like she couldn’t tell me. The rest of our friends at work knew, and it makes me really sad that she felt like she couldn’t tell me. I would have been so excited for her! I mean, I still am, but I wish she would have told me! I guess I just forget that some people don’t know how to handle MC still.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I’m going to take a HPT this week if I don’t get any PMS symptoms. We had unprotected sex around the time I think I ovulated, and that will be 2 weeks on Saturday. I know I probably am not going to get a BFP because of my chart, but you just never know.

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? I don’t really have one, is that weird? My favorite is when MH surprises me with a single rose. Every once in a while I find one somewhere with a handwritten note from him (in my car after a day at work is my personal fave!), but as long as it’s a flower from him, I’m happy!

emeraldduchess · May 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 1 early miscarriage in December at 5 weeks

Status: WFAF

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Temp drop and some spotting this morning, which is hitting me hard. Last week was a rough one all around with some disrespectful students, parents pushing boundaries, etc. What's going well is the school year is almost over and I am looking forward to being able to recharge.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I left the RE appointment with my head spinning. They took about 8 vials of blood, so waiting for those results. I need to call on CD1 to schedule my CD3 bloodwork, and also a saline ultrasound. The ultrasound might have to wait another cycle because I have to go into the city for that and I can't take any time off of work. DH has his SA this week as well. I am feeling really overwhelmed right now with all of this.

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? I love tulips, hydrangeas and lilacs. Unfortunately I can never have any in the house because of DH's allergies.

emeraldduchess · May 2019

@ejoseph16 I am glad that you have your family's support and that they talk about your loss woth you. That's so important. My mom and MIL have been a great support for me. I'm sorry you had to see your coworker's news via social media. I think you're right, sometimes people don't know what to say/do, so they do nothing.

ejoseph16 · May 2019

@emeraldduchess agreed. My MIL isn’t sure what to say, she just is there for me to vent to. But my mom and sister have both been amazing.
I feel your pain on end of the year. How long do you go? We are done with students this Friday, but we have to move our things completely out because our school is under construction and we are all moving classrooms for next year (combining 3 schools into 1). So we have 3 work days to put in grades and move our stuff out. Ugh.

emeraldduchess · May 2019

@ejoseph16 we have 2 and a half weeks left with the kids, then two days where we have meetings and classroom cleaning. My principal wants us to do some serious purging of old supplies and materials that we don't use, but thankfully we don't have to have the rooms completely emptied before leaving for the summer.

millpe · May 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. BO/MMC w/ D&C May 2019

Status: not tracking, but also not preventing (even though I should be benched. Ooops)

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I kinda threw myself into work after my loss, so its been good to have a long weekend. I got all the painting done in the basement and good progress on the staining. *TW* I went to a gender reveal and a baby shower this weekend and only cried one. So that's progress I think.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope.

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? I love Daisies! I also love Tulips, as they make me think of my grandpa.

millpe · May 2019

@ejoseph16 That's hard about your coworker, but she probably also found out, or started sharing right around the time of your loss. She was probably worried about hurting you, although it sucks that you had to find out on Facebook.
Also, btw my dr told me to call her if I dont get AF within 30-40 days after I stop bleeding.

@emeraldduchess I'm sorry for the temp drop and spotting. What do they test with the 8 vials they took if that wasnt CD3 bloodwork? I did initial testing through my OB and I remember the overwhelming feeling. I was equally nervous they wouldn't find something as I was they would. I wanted answers, but I also wanted something "easily treatable".

emeraldduchess · May 2019

@millpe they are testing hormone levels, thyroid issues, and screening for some genetic diseases like cystic fibrosis. If I am a carrier for anything, then they'll test DH. CD3 they test for follicle stimulating hormone levels. I wish I had taken notes, they threw a LOT of info at us.
*TW* It certainly is progress to go to a baby shower and gender reveal parties after a loss and you should be very proud of that. Hugs to you, I am sure it was really hard.

kagesstarshroom · May 2019

@millpe My OB--after both my losses--was like, it's just best to take a cycle off so that you can time it right and not have to stress about when you might O bc it will likely take longer than usual--though sometimes I know OBs recommend waiting to strengthen the uterus? Or, like, women have found out they should have been told to wait bc of that? So anyway--depending on why you are benched, it should be fine that you're NTNP.

@emeraldduchess Sorry about the spotting, etc. I feel like some busted cycles are definitely harder than others. I am afraid this upcoming one will be like that if I don't Get What I'm Here For. When I was a kid, I LOVED old school supplies bc I love... paper & playing school. Makes sense I am a prof/poet/run a print literary journal from all those days we played school. Anyway, my point is, purging of old school supplies no one uses--this makes me want to go sneaking around outside of our local schools to see if they're tossing stuff like that too! Scantron sheets! Exam books! Old workbooks! My packrat heart is getting excited.

@ejoseph16 So glad you have ppl to talk to--I wish ppl talked about stuff like this more. I know not everyone can or wants to have to talk about it, but for those of us who can, I think talking about can be so helpful and also...helping to normalize the issue in broader conversation to me is really important. Advocacy! Sorry about all the stress your AL chart is causing you.

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? So the big thing for me this week is my cousin's wedding is now in a month, and--I remember planning to go to that wedding KU. Like, at first bc I would have been (I was worried I wouldn't be able to travel, even!) And then, my first cycles AL, I kept thinking "alright, I'll be X months for X's wedding." Now, if this cycle isn't a bust, I'll still be in those terrible nerve-wracking days of "will this one stick" that frankly at this point might last the whole time if I'm lucky enough to get another chance. I am not dwelling on the details of the wedding itself (yet, though I love a wedding!), just at all the What Could Have Beens. ALSO, My SIL offered to MH to talk to me when I was ready, but I was never ready when I might have needed it, so I never called her, and recently she sent me a link to a book she's reading bc there's a chapter in it on fertility. I was both... glad but also like, I don't want to disappoint anyone if this doesn't happen for us? I hate that feeling, I'm sure she wouldn't want me to have it, but I can't help it.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? just OPKing!

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? I love honeysuckle and most types of lilies. I have all the flowers that I had in my wedding bouquet tattooed on my back (w/ some other stuff) and the flowers are--anemones, peonies, calla lilies, and eucalyptus (not a flower, I know haha.)

tyrion_ · May 2019

Hello! I’m new to TTCAL. I intro’d in like 5 places because I’m feeling lonely in this process right now. Nice to meet you all.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are going, I guess I’m struggling with what’s next. The waiting game. How will this pan out? How messed up will my cycle be when it’s usually a guessing game most months. What will my OB want me to do? Just anxious about the unknown next steps.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I’ll find out tomorrow when I call my OB.

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? Peonies! They’re so lovely.

projectalice · May 2019

1. Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

I've had 3 losses. 1 blighted ovum, 1 triploidy and 1 chemical pregnancy

2. Status: should ovulate either tonight or tomorrow morning. Ovulating later than usual, by like a week but better late than never. I'm really glad I kept testing so I didn't miss it!

3. How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I haven't participated in TB as much as I would like, because I noticed if I fixated on ttc I was a mess when it didn't happen. So I just check in from time to time if I'm in a good place. I'm also trying to cut back my caffeine but it is hard! Especially when I usually get 4-5 hours sleep. 😫

4. Any testing coming up/any recent results?

I still need to schedule my "bubble test" and my husband's sa. I've put it off for months because the semen analysis is $200 oop and I've heard the bubble test can be really painful. At some point I will bite the bullet and finish our testing.

5. GTKY: What is your favorite flower?

Orchids, definitely. I like lots of flowers, but they are my favorite.

projectalice · May 2019

@ejoseph16 it is hard to tell how someone will take the news. With me it was very hard to hear about other's pregnancies if they were an acquaintance or coworker. Strangers didn't bother me so much.
Did you happen to use any opks or anything? Good luck, you just never know, especially after a mc! You could get lucky.

@emeraldduchess good luck, we are supposed to have those same tests! I've put them off for months now. Hopefully they bring you good news.

@millpe that sounds like good progress to me! I still don't feel up to attending those sorts of things, so I would call that a win!

@kagesstarshroom weddings are stressful, but maybe the excitement and stress can help distract you if this cycle isn't successful? That's the only thing that has helped me, is finding things to get excited about so I'm not solely focused on all this.

@tyrion_ I understand feeling lonely in this process. It's why I'm checking in, to try and connect with others in similar situations.
Good luck with your upcoming testing!

ejoseph16 · May 2019

@projectalice I did use opk’s, but they were wondfo and I was used to using cb from before my MC. It showed a dark second line right away, then it got lighter over the course of a week so I stopped. I wish I would have continued using them. I just didn’t want to obsess like I did before my pregnancy, especially since we weren’t trying. But now I wish I had some clarity. I guess time will tell.

millpe · May 2019

@kagesstarshroom My dr just said she recommended waiting to TTC again until after I had one regular period. She said it was mostly for dating purposes, so that's why I'm not too worried about it. I hate the "what would have beens". I hope you are able to still enjoy the wedding.

I was at my parents tonight and I was sitting at the dinner table and my nephew made a comment about the baby... Apparently my sister forgot to tell her kids that we lost the baby (we had already announced to our family). It was so uncomfortable that I could only laugh. My sister apologized, and I don't blame her for anything. But explaining to a 13 yr old about miscarriage was not the dinner convo I had planned on.

ejoseph16 · May 2019

@millpe I’m sorry about that conversation. I had something similar a few weeks ago. My 4 year old nephew asked me why the baby died. My sister told them when I miscarried, and I didn’t see them right away. He brought it up out of nowhere. Luckily the conversation wasn’t too difficult with my sister also having multiple miscarriages and being open about that with him (he’s very mature for his age). He just said “well, I guess now your baby is up in heaven with my brothers and sisters. Hopefully I’ll meet them I go to be with God!” That was what brought me to tears! He was so accepting of it. 😘

puppylove8910 · May 2019

I will return back to tag a little later.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. CP, April 2019

Status: Spotting, AF on the way.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I'm struggling with how much of a mind*uck this most recent TWW was and how much cramping & breast tenderness I had leading up to today. I haven't had these symptoms in years and worry my endometriosis is returning. Or maybe my hormones are slightly out of whack still because of the CP last cycle. Any thoughts on that?

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope.

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? Peonies!! They are perfection!

tyrion_ · May 2019

@puppylove8910 I imagine that any hormonal variation or changes can trigger a whole host of wild new symptoms. I’m sorry the TWW was especially difficult last time.

shamrocandroll · May 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC in Nox '18, early loss in Feb.

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Super sore, tired, and a bit sunburned from a productive long weekend. I do wish we'd relaxed a bit more, but at least I got to sleep in a bit each day.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? OPKs are ongoing.

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? Sunflowers and peonies!

kagesstarshroom · May 2019

@puppylove8910 I also have had earlier breast tenderness during TWW AL than pre-mmc. I've always had some, for sure, but these past two cycles particularly have resulted in frustratingly tender breasts. It's always been a sign of AF for me, but considering how early the tenderness came, I was "sure" the negative HPT had to be wrong. Anyway, sorry to hear about that. Did you see when I posted about self-breast massage? (Here's the link in case not--I forget when/where I mentioned it.) I have been doing that a few times a week this cycle & maybe it will help w/ the tenderness when it comes time to TWW for me--either way, it's good for you & feels good. (My friend suggested it bc I get cysts in my breast & I'd squeezed one a bit too hard & it hurt.)

@tyrion_ So sorry for your loss. We are a great community, and we're here for you! Even if we don't know you yet. An AL cycle is just the worst & can be all over the place. So sorry that you have that on deck right now. (Apologies in advance to all my TTCAL ladies who get to read me suggest this like all the time--) Something that helped me through mine was looking at other people's AL charts on FF. IDK if you have to have the VIP version for that, but it really gave me peace of mind to see all the different ways they panned out & compare those charts to my own. It's not helpful to everyone, but was immensely helpful to me. If you are looking to read anything, let me know, and I can tell you what was helpful to me.

@projectalice We have some ppl who just come stop by TTCAL every week & find that is helpful to them. I weaned myself down from higher levels of caffeine by switching one cup to green tea & then both. It took a little while, but green tea is actually good for TTC & provides a little but of caffeine!

shamrocandroll · May 2019

@ejoseph16 I'm sure your coworker was just trying to be sensitive to your feelings. It's hard because some people don't do well with hearing about others' being PG, but some do okay with it.

@emeraldduchess Ugh, I'm so sorry you're struggling. FX for good test results and SA! Hugs!

@millpe Oof... those are some tough events right after a loss. Glad you got through it okay!

@tyrion_ So sorry for your loss, but this is a great place to be. Your first AL cycle will probably be unusual, and it might take a couple of cycles for it to get back to "normal". I hope you find some comfort here, as I have after my losses.

@projectalice It can definitely be hard not to fixate! I hope you get some good test results and answers soon!

@puppylove8910 I have found my PMS symptoms have changed a lot post losses. My breasts were SO SORE my last cycle, and it made me crazy. But they don't seem to do it every cycle. It's so frustrating! So sorry about AF's impending arrival.

maserrano714 · May 2019

@ejoseph16 sorry to hear about your coworker. Same happened to me with my cousin. My sister told me they didn't want to tell me she was pregnant so soon after my loss because they weren't sure if I could handle it. It bothered me a bit that people were walking on egg shells around me but it was nice of them to care about how I feel. They were just worried about me. Perhaps so was your coworker and you're right, most people don't know how to handle MC.

@emeraldduchess sorry to hear about students and parents acting up. Also I am with you on the blood draws. The most I have had drawn is 12 vials. The phlebotomist even said I was too young to be so I'll. I didn't correct her and tell her it was because of my MCs and trying to get pregnant. I've never had so much blood drawn since I started my TTC journey.

@millpe that is definitely progress. I wasn't able to attend baby showers so soon after my losses. I still haven't attended any now that I think of it. Props to you girls for being so strong.

@kagesstarshroom I completely understand about the wedding feelings. Those what ifs are tough. I keep running a timeline through my head for my sister's wedding and now I feel as if I have some imaginary deadline for getting KU I either have to do it soon or postpone for a fee months.

@tyrion_ sorry you find yourself here but welcome.

@projectalice I completely understand about staying off TB. I have also been off and on because I'm avoiding thinking about TTC but the support I get from everyone hear is invaluable.

@puppylove8910 hormones do mess with your body so it could definitely be that. My body was all.ovee the place with painful cramps and breast tenderness but I'm finally back to normal.

AFM:

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: 2 losses, 1 MMC @ 8wks 8/2018 & 1 MMC/D&C @ 9wks 2/2019

Status: benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm been so busy with school and work that I really haven't had the time to think about TTC. I did start temping this week and we started the conversation about trying again. My DH is worried about me being able to handle another loss. I'm an optimist and he's a realist. So we have different perspectives on this. No decisions yet but it's a start.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? I live Casablanca lilies. They smell and look beautiful.

puppylove8910 · May 2019

@ejoseph16 it's so wonderful that you have your mother's support during this trying time. It definitely helps being able to talk about it IRL. I'm so sorry your cycle has been so crazy. I truly hope AF shows for you soon so you can move on and begin trying again.

@emeraldduchess I know the testing can be very overwhelming, but hopefully, you will get some answers. Thinking of you!

@tyrion_ I'm so sorry to see you here. Thinking of you during this trying time.

@projectalice What is a "bubble test"?

puppylove8910 · May 2019

I love sunflowers too @shamrocandroll! I was in Tuscany a few years ago in September and the sunflowers were unlike anything I have ever seen before. They were HUGE!

@kagesstarshroom Thank you so much for sharing that link. I will give it a try this cycle!

projectalice · May 2019

@puppylove8910 it's a nicer name for a sonohysterogram. I've heard varying reports, but some say it's extremely painful.

mokay19 · May 2019

@ejoseph16 being able to talk about it with close people can be nice. My mom had multiple losses, but it was at the time that they wouldn’t do any testing since they weren’t in a row so she’s very happy that the RE is checking things out!

@emeraldduchess I love lilac! I cannot wait to have a lilac bush when we have our house!

@millpe sorry about the parties you had to attend but only crying once is better than I think I’d do now so that’s progress

@kagesstarshroom I keep doing that with holiday’s too... we’re going to Europe in June and we wanted to tell family there buuuuuut now instead we won’t be. I keep holding onto “at least I can drink wine I guess”

@tyrion_ I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with the next steps. I hate the unknown and inability to actually dooo anything during this process. It makes me feel helpless and just sad then.

@projectalice I’ve never heard it called a bubble test before... but I had one and didn’t think it was bad. I took ibuprofen beforehand and honestly didn’t feel too munch. My only concern was the part that I felt a little, made me feel like I was going to poop 😬but I didn’t!

I’ll have to do more responses later!

tyrion_ · May 2019

@mokay19 Yes! The loss of control in this situation is the most frustrating. I want to fix it and I can’t. There is nothing for me to do but wait. And I’m terrible at that.

@projectalice I had to google it because I’d never heard it called the bubble test. It does sound a lot nicer when called that.

@kagesstarshroom I don’t have VIP but this makes me want to upgrade. I have always taken advantage of the random sneak peak offers and stared at chart after chart. I don’t know why I enjoy it so much but I think looking at loss charts would be helpful at least for my anxious mind. Maybe I’ll splurge. Thanks for the suggestion.

mokay19 · May 2019

Question about falling hCG....

My levels were at 40 yesterday. Does anyone know how quickly theirs went down from about that level?

We’re going to Europe for 10 days in the middle of June and I’m trying to at least semi-figure out if I need to get all the meds before the trip JIC.

kagesstarshroom · May 2019

@mokay19 Some obs will track you to zero and others won't. Mine did not and said once I had my first "normal" (as in, not still bleeding from mc stuff) period, I'll know it's down to zero. Yet, I've heard others confirm this isn't true? Sorry this is no help. ::upside down smiley face::

@tyrion_ Yeah, I'm not sure how much chart searching you can do w/out VIP bc I only started doing it once I got it! I'm sure even w/out VIP you can get a hold of some AL charts. FF does twitter giveaways for VIP days or coupons. You def. shouldn't hav to pay full price, discounts pop up every now and then.

maserrano714 · May 2019

@mokay19 my OB didn't track me to zero either. He was only checking to see if it was going down but after that ni more blood draws. He had me take a pregnancy test to check if it was negative a week after bleeding stopped and based it on that. Sorry I can't be of more help.

mokay19 · May 2019

@kagesstarshroom @maserrano714
I’m hoping that the no more bleeding means a quick drop from here. I’m being seen by a RE so they track me to below 3 before starting treatment for the next cycle. Also, I don’t have periods naturally ever so we can’t wait for me to bleed since we’d be waiting for-ev-er.

MJDsquared · May 2019

@ejoseph16 I'm glad you've been able to talk about it with your family, but sorry your coworker sort of avoided you. We're going to see my ILs this weekend and I'm not sure what to expect. They all know and it's the first time we're seeing them since. I'm not sure if I want them to talk to us about it or not.

@emeraldduchess FX that RE appt leads to answers and solutions.

@millpe I think it's amazing you even made it to those events. That has to be tough. Hugs. Adding that I just saw your dinner table conversation. So I'm adding MORE hugs!

@kagesstarshroom I'm sorry about all the mixed feelings around fertility/loss/TTC with the wedding coming up. That's tough. Your tattoo sounds beautiful! Do you have more tattoos or just that one?

@tyrion_ I'm so sorry you're in that limbo place. That's where I am too. It sucks! And I looove peonies.

@projectalice Yay for O!

@puppylove8910 Sorry for the mindf*** TWW. FX that you're back to your old normal for future TWWs so your mind isn't racing every time!

MJDsquared · May 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: D&C 5/17/19

Status: benched, WFAF

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? We're going to see my ILs this weekend. I love my ILs, but MIL & FIL are separating and this is the first time we've gone down there since. They still live together but are in the process of getting the house ready to sell, so I'm nervous about how it will go.

I do have a question about how to classify my loss... I got the BFP and my HCG levels were rising, but not appropriately. Once they slowed to a 20% increase in 48 hours, we had the D&C. Is that MMC? I just don't know what to call it.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Followup with OB 6/3; I'll have a blood draw to check HCG levels and I guess we'll discuss next steps. Anything else to expect post-D&C?

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? I love peonies and dahlias.

mokay19 · May 2019

@MJDsquared sorry about the interesting upcoming visit... I hope there’s no stress involved because we know you don’t need more of that.
Also, I read your GTKY response as “I love penises”... I was like wow, okay...

shamrocandroll · May 2019

@MJDsquared I think you can call it whatever you'd like. I stopped referring to my second loss as a CP and just use "early loss" now because it feels less minimizing.

On a lighter note, @MJDsquared @mokay19 Fun fact: For the longest time, I couldn't remember the name of peonies, but we had them in our yard when we bought our house and I loved them. One day my dad made a great(/terrible) dad joke and said "Make sure you don't pee-on-these pe-on-ies" and I've remembered the name ever since.

NYTino24 · May 2019

@mokay19 mine went down from that level in a couple of days.

tyrion_ · May 2019

@kagesstarshroom Just want to thank you for the rabbit hole you sent me down. You can search and browse charts without VIP!

mokay19 · May 2019

@NYTino24 thank you... I hope my body does that!

shamrocandroll · May 2019

@kagesstarshroom I did a "charts like mine" for this cycle, and 35% ended in pregnancy, with a bunch after MC and now I'm all convinced that'll happen to me, even though 35% still isn't all that high. 🙄

Edited because mobile bumping sucks

kagesstarshroom · May 2019

@shamrocandroll hahaha yes I am always doing that & being like "35%! We've got a shot!" and then messing w/ the search factors lol trying to see if I can get it higher. I do this while I am lying in bed instead of playing dumb games on my phone before I go to sleep--though I have been trying to do it less this cycle, esp. before O--after O, it's something I do to deal w/ the SS/BSC.

(ETA: changed the transitive "laying" to the proper intransitive "lying")

@tyrion_ I hope you found it helpful! You are welcome if so ^_~*. Also, gif for you:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/3v/jlykmalxb5c4.gif

keikilove · May 2019

Preface: This will probably be long AND I want to apologize b/c this is definitely about me (I need a place to vent) & I don’t have the energy to tag in this thread right now. Thanks in advance & sorry for my total self-centeredness right now.

**TW: PG & MC mentioned throughout**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Late loss @18 weeks Oct ‘18, Early loss @5+1 Jan ‘19, Chemical Apr ‘19, impending Chemical May ‘19

Status: Super bummed

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? See LONG rant below

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Positive HPTs on CD8, getting stronger each day, Positive blood test/beta quant earlier this week at 12DPO, second beta yesterday afternoon confirmed dropping HCG, third beta tomorrow to start tracking HCG down

GTKY: What is your favorite flower? Gardenias, also my mom’s favorite and will forever make me think of her💕

So, I’ve been avoiding this thread (yet again) the last few weeks. This time it’s because I’ve been wondering if I really want to hang out in this identity of having losses & dwelling on them. Like, do I want to put this on everyday and walk around in my history of losses or do I want to focus on the future and think only happy thoughts? (This is obviously NO JUDGEMENT on anyone else—just my own grappling with my reality.) Also, my RE really believes in the mind/body connection and when we did my impromptu IUI a couple of weeks ago she gave me the instructions to “think happy thoughts only!” Well, I just knew in my spirit it was going to work and it did. And I’m not even sure where to post this update because it’s not going to last (numbers prove it’s a matter of hours/days before I MC) so yet again I held off posting in the Grad Thread until my beta numbers came back to confirm whether this would stick or not. And I don’t want to bombard the IF ladies with yet another “Hey, I had another BFP. I can get pregnant, I just can’t seem to stay pregnant. I’ve got Repeat Pregnancy Loss” when so many of them are trying everything under the sun to see a positive test. I’m cramping & feeling so so sick but no bleeding yet so it’s just a sad frustrating waiting game. I’m really good at compartmentalizing so I can share this here and then be my usual upbeat self & move on about my day afterward, but deep down I’m so disappointed & wondering if we will indeed turn to adoption, and wondering what a surrogate would cost—as crazy as that sounds right now, and just wondering WTH is wrong with my body that I’m clearly so fertile even at my AMAge but my body isn’t allowing these embryos to fully implant. WTF?!

Another thing on my mind is this idea of positive thinking versus premonitions versus negative thinking. I am a realist with a leaning toward eternal optimism. I meditate and focus on the positive (which—total side note—is why I don’t give any negative energy to the Peggys who post randoms on this board). I believe that the energy we put out is what we will draw back to us. Well, with my first loss when everything was still going ok in the PG I dreamed that the Grim Reaper was following me around patiently, quietly, just calmly waiting for me to acknowledge her. And I had a
big important job at the time & super busy life & I just REFUSED to turn around & acknowledge her presence. I dreamed I was in my kitchen at my fridge and the Grim Reaper was politely & kind of sadly waiting behind me, like, “I’m sorry but this is inevitable”. I just waved my hand to poo-pooh her away without ever turning around to face her—the way you would wave someone away when you’re on the phone & they’re trying to interrupt. Shortly thereafter we got the news that the baby no longer had a heartbeat even though she’d been visibly kicking the night before. I couldn’t shake the memory of that dream, how the Grim Reaper seemed to be standing there ready to carry my baby away in her arms. In January after my next BFP I dreamed that I was bleeding profusely, and then I lost that one a couple of days later. Last month after another BFP I dreamed that when I wiped there was blood & out came a little chrysalis that I held in the palm of my hand: it vibrated and glowed and then its light went out. I prayed that wasn’t a premonition but I got the call that my beta numbers looked really low, and lost that one a couple of days later as well.

This time I said to myself that I refused to have any of these dreams. I just believed this one was going to stick! I loved my due date. I was already attached. I was clearly getting positives on my internet cheapies—it didn’t matter what time of day I tested, FMU or not— they were obviously positive. And then I bought a 3-pack of FRERs & each was faintly positive, and then each one FADED over a couple of hours and the line disappeared! I immediately thought this was a bad sign. I’d never heard of a positive fading to a negative, only the opposite! Then my RE’s office called with the first low beta number and, just like the last time, within hours of hearing the results my body started cramping.

So I’m just sitting here contemplating how much the mind may have an impact on how the body responds, and wondering whether I’ve just been sensitive to these dreams or whether they really were premonitions, and whether my thinking that they mean something is somehow leading to my body rejecting my embryos. I know it’s not true but the mind does some interesting things when trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

Ok, that’s it for my self-therapy session. Thank you for listening/reading, and for being a safe space to share this stuff. I’m kind of at my wits end and more like, I am going to figure this out! There HAS to be an answer! There has to be a happy ending to all this!

Want a personalized experience?

TTCAL w/o 5/27

Re: TTCAL w/o 5/27

Choose Another Board

Search Boards