@keikilove You are always welcome here, whether you're feeling positive or negative. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I related to so much of what you said. I admire how positive you've forced yourself to be through this process. That isn't easy, and it has made an impact on so many here, so thank you for that. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I wish I had an easy thing to say that would make you feel better, but I don't. So, just know that I admire you and appreciate you, and that you are always welcome here in any capacity that benefits you. The biggest of creepy internet stranger hugs to you. Sending you all of the good vibes I can muster.
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@shamrocandroll Thank you, thank you, my friend. Now you’ve got me crying.😘😭❤️ I’m gonna log off for now & give myself some time to process. Many many thanks for your hugs and right back at you.❣️I’m really grateful to you & everyone here, it’s helping me keep perspective.
@keikilove I'm so sorry. I haven't been posting as much for many of the same reasons. So many losses are hard to dwell on. Regardless, they don't make new losses any easier and I'm so, so sorry you've had yet another. Sending love and hugs. I'd make you tea and cry on the couch with you if I knew you in real life.
@keikilove I am gonna be my same old self as usual here & recommend a book--if you need a book recc. I know you said you were taking some space from us, but NOT BROKEN by Lora Shahine is specifically about RPL, and I found it helpful, even though it's not that officially. It's more of the science end than the emotional end, but I consider this group my emotional support system for this issue, and my own research/reading has been more science-based. I think one of my main concerns for you is your hesitation/not knowing where you belong in terms of TB at times because of your situation, and to that I would say: if you ever aren't sure where to post, please know you can always PM me. I'm here for a long rant, a short rant, or just to say hi.
General TTCAL thing: Did anyone else see the news about Nick Foles, the MVP of Super Bowl 52 & former Philadelphia Eagle, and his wife Tori having an mc? It popped up TOP of my twitter feed the other night, and I burst into tears. I'm glad they made a public statement about it-- though at the same time, I bet they had announced & like had to? But still. I hate that they went through it, but am glad they are talking about it.
TW: pg/lo
My cousin just had her baby today or last night, which also made me cry, but I am insanely happy for her & surprised at how good I feel about the news (like, in comparison to past PG announcements/babies being born.) It's so weird how *relative* these feelings are. Like, I hadn't heard from her since I had heard she was headed to the hospital and texted daddy today like, "hope everything is going well!" & he sent me back photos & a vid I actually watched & cried, like, joyfully at. Feelings are weird.
@keikilove I am so, so sorry that you are going through this again. I wish I had the right words. Please know that you have many people here who love you and you are always welcome here. 💚
@keikilove I feel you so much on your rant. I know I’m not in nearly the same boat as you, but I do hesitated to join the TTCAL board for that exact reason. But I started posting and it felt good to talk to others in my position, especially in the beginning. It has also helped me through the frustration of my first cycle AL.
Furthermore, your discussion of dreams is so relative! The first 5 weeks of my pregnancy were blissfully exciting. Then I started having dreams that I would go to the bathroom and be bleeding profusely. The dreams stopped literally 3 nights before the reality happened. Weird how that works. I don’t see it as negative thinking, but your body and mind preparing you for the reality. Our bodies are crazy smart, and I keep telling myself it will happen for me because I’ve seen it in my dreams, just as I have seen myself going through a MC. You can be on here and think positive! ❤️❤️ I’m so sorry for your pain and frustration! Creepy internet stranger hugs!
I just want to thank you all again for your support. Honestly, I needed to get it off my chest but also feel like an a**hole because there are others here going through or having recently gone through losses too, and me not participating is not providing support but then barging in and asking for support. So, I’m gonna do better about being involved here—as much as I can unless it becomes too hard mentally.
@ruby696 & @emeraldduchess Thank you for your comforting words. Honestly, I rarely ever cry IRL but your kind words made me do it. It’s amazing the way the kindness of strangers over the internet can be felt so tangibly. 💕Thank you.💕
@kagesstarshroom I only took a few-hour break from TB & then I saw all these updates on my phone & I logged back in to find the catfish saga going on😯 so I jumped back in momentarily. Then I took 24 hours away from TB to deal with the MC that had officially begun. I’m super weird but once it started I was like, Ok, that’s officially done, let’s go take a run to sweat out all the recent emotion and stress. I get super emotional momentarily & then go stoic and keep it moving. I’m really going to check out that book!
@ejoseph16 Thank you for sharing your experience with the dreams too. I really appreciate your interpretation of them—how smart our bodies are and how the dreams are there to prepare us for the inevitable. I also LOVE how you said that you know it will happen for you because you’ve had those positive hopeful dreams too. Great point!!!❤️ Thank you for the hugs and encouragement to participate here.
So after 24 hours to process, I actually see a silver lining: I now have a very clear pattern indicating that I have an implantation issue. So we have once again narrowed things down a bit more and can focus on what is causing that. Maybe I need more progesterone at higher doses (an additional formula was prescribed when the first numbers came back low this time). I still suspect that it is my Natural Killer cells attacking the embryos: I think my immune system was triggered to go into overdrive with a recent autoimmune flare-up in the last year, and I think those NK cells are attacking everything as a foreign invader. I think we treat that with stronger steroids and other things to weaken my body’s attack response. So my mission for answers & the right treatment continues. I’m also really grateful that after years of being unable to get pregnant my body is now super receptive to conception. It’s a super relief that even though I am of AMA I don’t have to be freaked out by that fact because my body is clearly unaware of that label—I really see this ability to conceive as a huge blessing. I believe that every cycle is bringing me one step closer to the ultimate solution.🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
Re: TTCAL w/o 5/27
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
General TTCAL thing: Did anyone else see the news about Nick Foles, the MVP of Super Bowl 52 & former Philadelphia Eagle, and his wife Tori having an mc? It popped up TOP of my twitter feed the other night, and I burst into tears. I'm glad they made a public statement about it-- though at the same time, I bet they had announced & like had to? But still. I hate that they went through it, but am glad they are talking about it.
TW: pg/lo
Furthermore, your discussion of dreams is so relative! The first 5 weeks of my pregnancy were blissfully exciting. Then I started having dreams that I would go to the bathroom and be bleeding profusely. The dreams stopped literally 3 nights before the reality happened. Weird how that works. I don’t see it as negative thinking, but your body and mind preparing you for the reality. Our bodies are crazy smart, and I keep telling myself it will happen for me because I’ve seen it in my dreams, just as I have seen myself going through a MC. You can be on here and think positive! ❤️❤️ I’m so sorry for your pain and frustration! Creepy internet stranger hugs!
@ruby696 & @emeraldduchess Thank you for your comforting words. Honestly, I rarely ever cry IRL but your kind words made me do it. It’s amazing the way the kindness of strangers over the internet can be felt so tangibly. 💕Thank you.💕
@kagesstarshroom I only took a few-hour break from TB & then I saw all these updates on my phone & I logged back in to find the catfish saga going on😯 so I jumped back in momentarily. Then I took 24 hours away from TB to deal with the MC that had officially begun. I’m super weird but once it started I was like, Ok, that’s officially done, let’s go take a run to sweat out all the recent emotion and stress. I get super emotional momentarily & then go stoic and keep it moving. I’m really going to check out that book!
@ejoseph16 Thank you for sharing your experience with the dreams too. I really appreciate your interpretation of them—how smart our bodies are and how the dreams are there to prepare us for the inevitable. I also LOVE how you said that you know it will happen for you because you’ve had those positive hopeful dreams too. Great point!!!❤️ Thank you for the hugs and encouragement to participate here.
So after 24 hours to process, I actually see a silver lining: I now have a very clear pattern indicating that I have an implantation issue. So we have once again narrowed things down a bit more and can focus on what is causing that. Maybe I need more progesterone at higher doses (an additional formula was prescribed when the first numbers came back low this time). I still suspect that it is my Natural Killer cells attacking the embryos: I think my immune system was triggered to go into overdrive with a recent autoimmune flare-up in the last year, and I think those NK cells are attacking everything as a foreign invader. I think we treat that with stronger steroids and other things to weaken my body’s attack response. So my mission for answers & the right treatment continues. I’m also really grateful that after years of being unable to get pregnant my body is now super receptive to conception. It’s a super relief that even though I am of AMA I don’t have to be freaked out by that fact because my body is clearly unaware of that label—I really see this ability to conceive as a huge blessing. I believe that every cycle is bringing me one step closer to the ultimate solution.🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽