@MrsVP614 I find it very annoying when DH can’t comprehend that different chores need to be done. It doesn’t seem fair to have to tell him what I need help with. We have basically assigned chores now. I do laundry, he does dishes, etc. it helps, but I think we both get frustrated occasionally because we think the other is taking too long to get the chores done.
@MrsVP614 (and others who commented too) - have ya'll read about the idea of the "mental load"? It says that women still carry the larger burden of household responsibility, even when the "chores" are being divided. For example - in your family, who is the emergency contact for every sport/school/activity? Who knows when the kids get their next check-up? Who knows when the dog needs heartworm meds? It's super draining. I think this is what leads me to lash out at my DH too. I'll reach a tipping point, and then when he says "you didn't ask" I start yelling that he's not an intern, and would he tolerate 10 years of not figuring out how things work from his team?!?!? (which I think is a pretty good analogy).
But then....I read a series of pretty good articles about this (starting with this one: https://www.jenniferhuntmd.com/mental-load-defined/) and realized that he acts like an "intern" because I can be an overwhelming "boss." I'm trying to let go entire "domains" to him now - Pool care? All his. He schedules, makes decisions, hires/fires, and decides when/how to open/close/clean. If he needs help, he can ask me, but I have scratched it off my mental list completely.
I also have stopped covering for him if there was a task he needed to do. I asked him to take the dog for a post-op check-up one day, and he forgot. When the vet called me to ask where dog was, I directed them to call DH. He handled it. That was nice.
The article I linked above has two more after it that talk about some more strategies. It's hard, because my DH is seriously a GREAT parent, and does contribute around the house, but I still feel like a task master so frequently.
@lcking82 So much yes to everything you just said. I'm very type A and like everything done a certain way, so I think MH has learned to just wait for instruction. But at the same time, some things are just common sense and it makes me wonder how they would have ever adulted on their own. MH would probably still be eating frozen pizza rolls for dinner if he was single. Seriously.
@ruby696: super morbid, but I have an “in case of emergency” folder that includes a sheet about all the small stuff needed for house/kid/dog. Like - dog gets meds on 15th, goes to vet for annual around October. Kid goes to annual checkup in July. Contacts need to be refilled in January and June. Passports and marriage certificate are in safe. And so forth. (Along with all our insurance and finance docs, of course).
I mainly did this after one of my good friends dad passed. He had been the major household “executive” and her mom was quite lost on where things were and what all they had. It scared me.
@lcking82 - That is a seriously good idea. I should do one with passwords of all the credit card/bank account websites. I handle all of the finances, so DH would be completely lost when it came to that. We are pretty good about splitting responsibilities. He handles all the yard work, the cars, and anything that breaks or needs to be fixed up in the home. He always is building something or has a large project he's working on (right now it's cleaning up our woods and burning brush and felling trees). In turn, I do all the house cleaning, meals, grocery shopping, and finance. We split responsibility for DD too. I drop her off at daycare, he picks her up, he watches her while I make dinner and clean up afterwards, then I watch her until bedtime and do the bedtime routine. If she doesn't go down the first time, we switch going in there to soothe her. It works pretty well, but there are days I get overwhelmed and need help.
@lcking82 I think that's a great idea. I have all our important legal documents in one place, but instructions and financial documents would be good to have too. MH is very capable of running the house and paying Bill's (even though I do most of it), but he would have no idea where to find life insurance policies (or even know how many there are).
@ruby696@marebear15: i was just shocked with my friend's parents - to get the life insurance/pension you had to show proof of marriage - this couple had been married for like 40 years and her mom had no idea how to prove it. Luckily, in a small town, the county clerk helped her get a new copy, but it still took several days (which delayed her receiving his social security and pension). They are still struggling to get property ownership settled, get his life insurance money, and her health insurance coverage. It's so much to deal with when you're also heartbroken.
@icking82 yes to the mental load. That’s definitely me! If it’s anything that involves a phone call, it’s me. We use a shared google calendar that helps with appointments.
@lcking82 I need to put together one of those folders. I pay all the bills and make all the appointments. I’m not sure what DH would do if he had to function without me.
The mental load is real and I feel it more & more as my son gets older and finds himself in more activities! My DH is truly an equal parent and helps so much around the house, but there are a lot of times when I find that my daily mental checklist is like 5 miles long! @MrsVP614 try to communicate to your DH. You need rest and help & you can't do it all!
Me: 37 | H: 44 **TW**
TTC #1: May 2015 IF DX January 2016- Me: Right sided hydrosalpinx Right tube removed: February 2016 Acupuncture + TCM: March 2016 BFP: July 4, 2016 | DS: March 2017 (39w 2d) TTC #2: April 2019 BFP #2: April 2019 | CP: April 30, 2019 (4w 2d) BFP #3: July 15, 2019 EDD: March 23, 2020
@lcking82, amen to the mental load. I was recently discussing this with my boss. We both have special needs children and we talking about how uninvolved with IEP stuff are husbands are and we both had the realization that we created that monster by just taking over and handling it.
Dh has actually been amazing this week. He took off work several times with the kids being sick and such. Until today. DS had a field trip, the special Olympic like one. Half way through, the school calls because DD was throwing up. Dh doesn’t have car seats, so I had to call my mom to get her, but my mom just had cataract surgery, so she needs to not be throwing up, so dh had to go home to wait for my mom. I swear the two of them called and texted me about 58 times. I finally texted them to stop involving me and talk to each other.
just now, I’m waiting with tantrum toddler in car while DH runs into store to get beer, Ice and juice boxes. He just texted me to ask what aisle juice boxes are on. Mutha-f**ker: I don’t have the Kroger memorized!
@MrsVP14 oh yeah, big time. Now I do need to preface this by saying DH works 70 hours a week... He comes home often after a 12 hour day and goes to the grocery store and cooks dinner. I am gone for a 10 hour day plus the other hour with DS and then drop off and pick up. There’s maybe a half hour difference between us and yet I do all the rest. He gets two days off a week without any responsibilities because DS is in daycare during the week. I never get a break. It’s 27 kids at work and 2 (DS and DH) at home! Haha
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
Poor dd has been sick for nearly 24 hours! I am trying to avoid the eR, she has peed a few times so I think we are still fine. But she is miserable and keeps drinking and then throwing up. I got no sleep last night!
@holly321 oh no, poor thing:( Do you think your peds office can recommend a rehydration protocol schedule. My friend used to have one that she used when this happened with her kids.
@holly321 oh no, poor thing:( Do you think your peds office can recommend a rehydration protocol schedule. My friend used to have one that she used when this happened with her kids.
I was given one for ds earlier this week. The issue is she is stubborn and keeps drinking when I tell her not to, so then she gets sick again.
Re: TFAS w/o 4/1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me 34 DH 34
PCOS
Baby number 2 due 4/11/20
But then....I read a series of pretty good articles about this (starting with this one: https://www.jenniferhuntmd.com/mental-load-defined/) and realized that he acts like an "intern" because I can be an overwhelming "boss." I'm trying to let go entire "domains" to him now - Pool care? All his. He schedules, makes decisions, hires/fires, and decides when/how to open/close/clean. If he needs help, he can ask me, but I have scratched it off my mental list completely.
I also have stopped covering for him if there was a task he needed to do. I asked him to take the dog for a post-op check-up one day, and he forgot. When the vet called me to ask where dog was, I directed them to call DH. He handled it. That was nice.
The article I linked above has two more after it that talk about some more strategies. It's hard, because my DH is seriously a GREAT parent, and does contribute around the house, but I still feel like a task master so frequently.
I mainly did this after one of my good friends dad passed. He had been the major household “executive” and her mom was quite lost on where things were and what all they had. It scared me.
We are pretty good about splitting responsibilities. He handles all the yard work, the cars, and anything that breaks or needs to be fixed up in the home. He always is building something or has a large project he's working on (right now it's cleaning up our woods and burning brush and felling trees). In turn, I do all the house cleaning, meals, grocery shopping, and finance. We split responsibility for DD too. I drop her off at daycare, he picks her up, he watches her while I make dinner and clean up afterwards, then I watch her until bedtime and do the bedtime routine. If she doesn't go down the first time, we switch going in there to soothe her.
It works pretty well, but there are days I get overwhelmed and need help.
Married: 10.15.16
DS BD: 8.20.17
TTC #2 1.1.19
BFP #2 7.3.19
EDD #2 3.13.20
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me 34 DH 34
PCOS
Baby number 2 due 4/11/20
**TW**
IF DX January 2016- Me: Right sided hydrosalpinx
Right tube removed: February 2016
Acupuncture + TCM: March 2016
BFP: July 4, 2016 | DS: March 2017 (39w 2d)
TTC #2: April 2019
BFP #2: April 2019 | CP: April 30, 2019 (4w 2d)
BFP #3: July 15, 2019
EDD: March 23, 2020
Dh has actually been amazing this week. He took off work several times with the kids being sick and such. Until today. DS had a field trip, the special Olympic like one. Half way through, the school calls because DD was throwing up. Dh doesn’t have car seats, so I had to call my mom to get her, but my mom just had cataract surgery, so she needs to not be throwing up, so dh had to go home to wait for my mom. I swear the two of them called and texted me about 58 times. I finally texted them to stop involving me and talk to each other.
just now, I’m waiting with tantrum toddler in car while DH runs into store to get beer, Ice and juice boxes. He just texted me to ask what aisle juice boxes are on. Mutha-f**ker: I don’t have the Kroger memorized!
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility