To circumcise or not...

minnemiska · December 2018

I was raised Jewish but had some concerns about the necessity for circumcision and wasn’t sure what to do for our son. I knew I would not have a bris and only do it at the hospital, if we went that route. H, who is circumcised, ultimately made the call to have it done. We are in the Midwest where it is still more common. The healing process was quite easy.

mrsdee15 · December 2018

First off, I just wanted to say I love this group's maturity in this subject - this has all been really informative and helpful.

I am scared of circumcision because I hate the idea of Little Guy being in pain for a bit, but DH feels very strongly that he wants DS circumcised. I really appreciate the points this group has made on both sides.

ashleaf2018 · December 2018

@minnemiska Have you thought about looking into a brit shalom instead? I have a few friends who are Jewish and chose not to circumcise and went that route instead.

peachy13 · December 2018

We are having a girl but if we were having a boy, we would 100% circumcise, no argument. DH and his brother were not as babies and it caused a lot of self image issue in their teenage years (locker room stuff I think). They ended up both getting circumcised before age 16 or so, and DH told me it was a very awkward experience with his parents, doctors, etc. and really just wished his parents had been "normal" and circumcised him as a baby.

sleepy33 · December 2018

peachy13 said:

We are having a girl but if we were having a boy, we would 100% circumcise, no argument. DH and his brother were not as babies and it caused a lot of self image issue in their teenage years (locker room stuff I think). They ended up both getting circumcised before age 16 or so, and DH told me it was a very awkward experience with his parents, doctors, etc. and really just wished his parents had been "normal" and circumcised him as a baby.

Yikes. I honestly do not care what anyone else does with their child, but saying parents who don't circ aren't 'normal' kinda makes me defensive, tbh. The circ rate in the US is currently somewhere around 50% (according to studies in 2009), so it is just as normal to circ as not. Attitudes like this are what leads to stereotypes and falsehoods. Everyone's body is normal and everyone's body is ok.

peachy13 · December 2018

@sleepy33 it's totally normal either way, I agree. I knew typing that word would get me in trouble but I really only say "normal" because I was trying to share my H's first-hand perspective growing up as he realized, in his group of peers, he and his brother were the only ones not circumcised. He saw and still sees being circumcised as the normal way to look and wished his parents had just done it when he was born to save him future embarrassment in his already awkward teenage years.

kvh22 · December 2018

@peachy13 @sleepy33 yea, that's tough phrasing. By putting it in quotes and since it came from peachy's husband, I understood the meaning behind it I think. Sounds like it wasn't "normal" to not be for the area which I think would likely be a point of consideration for some. We're team green and I *think* we had the conversation last time but don't remember since DD ended up being a girl. Like others have said, I'll leave it up to DH which I think was a yes.

sleepy33 · December 2018

I get it @peachy13, I just hate the idea of perpetuating any kind of body shaming stereotypes. It's also all so anecdotal. Like I mentioned earlier, my ex played 3 sports in high school in a small town in Kansas where I guarantee, at that time, he was the only one uncircumcised, and nobody ever mentioned a thing. Also, in today's day and age, most children honestly just do not shower at school, even if they play a sport. I just like to think that this is the kind of thing we are moving further away from as a society, and I think part of that starts with us, how we think, how we express things to our kids, even subconsciously.

DuchessOfCambridge · December 2018

Sidenote but I think it's super weird that guys tease each other about their penises. Why you lookin, brah.

eatinwatermelonseeds · December 2018

@DuchessOfCambridge for real.

But I was talking to a friend about this, and we both had stories of our own ignorance the first time we saw an intact penis. I really don't think that's uncommon. I wish I could go back and apologize to the guy. We went from right about to have sex, to not at all. And I'm not sure if we stayed friends after that, but we definitely stopped dating (I think I deployed and we never spoke again). That was a kind of awkwardness we couldn't come back from. I wish my mother had taught me a little better, I was super sheltered and inexperienced and had never seen an intact penis and honestly didn't even realize they came out as anything but circumcised until that day. Poor guy ♥️ still have never been with an intact man, but that's more because the opportunity never arose again, not because I was awful to them, too. Now I don't think I'd care at all, but I was SO confused then.

I feel incredibly embarrassed sharing this, but I figure it's on topic. The guy did tell me he'd never had that reaction before and girls usually really enjoyed it. Wish I could remember his name so I could Facebook stalk him and see how he's doing 🤔😂

And also, my story wouldn't deter me from keeping baby intact. We should probably talk about it, but I don't particularly feel pulled in either direction just because I have no idea if this baby will have hypospadias.

jkduer · December 2018

If I’m honest I think trying to avoid teasing from peers as the main reason (either way) is short sighted unless you know you or your child will never move. Even then, trends change. There are states where the circumcision rate is below 20% and there are states where it’s above 80%. Some countries have rates below 5%.

anonellis · December 2018

I don’t think it’s fair to attack someone we’ve been told was under 16 year old for wanting to be “normal,” even if we as adults know that there are many ways to be normal! @peachy13 wasn’t even describing a teenager bullying someone else for being different, but one who didn’t want to be different *himself*. That’s not ignorance, that’s a kid being an extremely typical kid.

I was super grossed out the first time I saw an uncircumcised penis. Does that make me a closed-minded body shamer? I was young and it was super unfamiliar to me and in all of my life lessons in an extremely progressive, tolerant community, we didn’t really spend a lot of time on...penis diversity? I’m sure I didn’t say anything to the guy, but I couldn’t help how I felt.

jusgigi · December 2018

I grew up in a little bitty town in Oklahoma (less than 500 people) that was next to a military base. In high school (early 2000s)this kid transfered in and joined the football team. All the other guys gave him the nn turtleneck. No one could could figure out why. I mentioned it to my mom and she explained. For 4 years that was this guys nn, though he laughed it off i feel like it had to bother him.

between stories like this and hearing about boys/men deciding to have the surgery later in life, is why i have decided not to press the issue with my husband. I would much rather make the wrong decision (in my kids opinion- cause lets face it, its gonna be his problem if you make the wrong decision for him) and save my kid any pain or embarrassment later on than opt not to and him go through bad times because of it.
IMHO, In the end parents have to make hundreds of decisions based on their own experiences, thoughts, and their unique situation and shouldnt be judged badly for the choices they make or the reasoning behind them. What might seem short-sighted or stupid to one mom might make perfect sense to another.

jkduer · December 2018

@justharrison To clarify, I think whatever choice people make for their family is fine.

I would hate for anyone to make the choice for or against based on wanting their child to be in the majority simply because that’s not a factor you can control. You could leave that tiny town and wind up in a state like Washington where the rate is 15% and suddenly your child is the minority and might get teased. Or someone in Washington might move to West Virginia where the rate is 87% and again, face a different minority/majority. That’s all my comment was aiming to highlight.

If not being in the majority would affect your choice I think it’s something to consider regardless of what your choice may be.

Edited: typo.

sleepy33 · December 2018

@anonellis nobody attacked anyone. I made reference to the way @peachy13’s husband referred and still clearly does refer to being circumcised as being normal. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to me that children would be so cruel as to cause a teenager to feel they had to go through circumcision just to be socially accepted. Pointing out problematic language and ways of thinking is not attacking, and I do not believe I was at all hostile in my response.

jarethinafrock · December 2018

My husband is circumcised and when DS was born, we ended up deciding not to. My husband didn’t really feel like it was huge deal and we just remembered how difficult dealing with regular stuff was with our daughter and didn’t feel like adding on additional pain and stress.

Personally, I’m french and no one in my family is circumcised, so I was leaning against it anyways.

chloe97 · December 2018

I watched the trailer for American Circumcision last night on Netflix and now I REALLY want to watch it. DH was a bit freaked out and suggested that we not watch it b/c he is afraid that it will change my opinion on circumcision and yes- now I am now I am starting to rethink it. I know it's not up for debate in his mind, so maybe he's right and I shouldn't watch it.

jkduer · December 2018

@chloe97 I think as with any decision in life it’s good to make an informed decision. That being said if there’s really no room for debate and you changing your mind could cause problems, I would also be wary of watching. Do you know if it’s neutral or has an agenda for or against? If it’s neutral maybe you could both watch it together.

chloe97 · December 2018

@jkduer I think that it tries to be evenhanded, but by showing the side of the debate that circumcision is child abuse/mutilation, I don't think it's possible NOT to rethink my positions- particularly since it's not my religion, but DH's. I don't want to end up resenting him (or vice versa) as to date we have both done a really great job respecting each other's religions/traditions. I may watch it after the baby is born and circumcised to avoid this.

jkduer · December 2018

@chloe97 Curiosity got the best of me so I watched the documentary. I wouldn’t call it neutral in the slightest. I found parts of it very upsetting. If your family is circumcising for religious reasons I’d skip it or watch it later like you suggested.

dfirstimer · December 2018

Just reading through and love the thoughtfulness of all the comments. My husband and I had discussed not doing a circumcision if we had a boy. DH is British and I am Latin American and circumsicion isn’t common in either of our countries except for some religions. I would have gone with my husband’s choice as I don’t have a penis.
We are having a girl, but I do find it interesting how hard these decisions can be. In Latin America girls get their ears pierced at hospital when born. I want my baby to have her ears pierced and know there isn’t much risk or impact but for my husband that was something unusual as it isn’t the way it is done in The UK. We are going to pierce her ears but will need to find a doctor willing to do it, from what I read it is recommended in the US to wait at least 2 months.

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