I’m 14 weeks pregnant and ever since my MIL found out that I am pregnant she’s been trying to control everything about me. She’s tells me I need to wear clothes that show off my bump (it’s not even there) and that I need to eat more then what I do and that she should be in the delivery room. And the other night she told me she wants a nursery at her house for when the baby comes and I told her that I’m not even sure if I’ll let my baby stay a night with anyone until a year and she got upset with me and told me that I need to understand that she and my mother has raised a baby before. I tried to tell her that since this is my first baby I’m going to be protective and she tried telling me not to be too protective. Please just tell me how to handle this because I don’t want to be disrespectful but she needs to understand she’s a grandparent.
Re: what should I do about a control MIL
🤷♀️ My kids have a (shared) bedroom at my mom's house. Neither of them spent the night away from me before a year because they were exclusively breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle, but it made my mom happy to have a place for them and she used it when she babysat during the day for naps, etc.
As far as everything else, I totally agree with @eatinwatermelonseeds. She can't control what you wear, who's in the delivery room, etc. Its honestly none of her business and I would certainly stand my ground on that. But unless you have a reason to already not trust your parents with your baby, I wouldn't go around telling them that you will be protective of your baby where they are concerned just yet. That would have broken my mom, and frankly there would be no reason I couldn't have trusted her or my MIL with my babies at any stage. They are both extremely competent mothers and while many of the recommendations have changed since they raised babies and they don't always do things exactly the way I would, I would never worry about my child's safety in their care. When baby arrives, just take each day as it comes and let your family know that you are figuring out how to be a mom and what your comfortable with.
Hubs and I kind of had a contentious relationship with his parents after the wedding. It took a few years and work from both sides but we all established boundaries and learned to respect the others as adults. It's made talking to my in-laws about my pregnancy a joy.
However, I have seen the struggle with balance between the relationship with the new mother and the husband's mother play out a bit with my SIL and my own mother. My mother has had times when she felt like she was routinely dismissed by my SIL, or pitted against my SIL's mom, even though my mother raised 3 kids and was a preschool/kindergarten teacher for over 30 years (who had been recognized for her excellence in teaching). It was real and it sucked/sucks to watch it happen. So I might suggest that perhaps it is worth doing some self reflection at why you feel this way. I find this step really difficult for myself, since when it comes down to it, I don't trust my MIL's judgement. Her "kooky" behavior is a known thing in my DH's extended family, but just because it's known doesn't mean I'd trust leaving my baby with them!
My husband is in his early 50s, so things have changed ALOT since she was a mom to young kids. Also, the stories I hear from my husband and his siblings from their time as kids sounds like they ran wild, and then I hear the stories from my SIL on DH's side, and they had issues with her too. She even once told my husband and his brother that if she could do it all again, she wouldn't have had kids. While I understand options were limited for women in the 1960s, it just seems like something you wouldn't tell your own kids in that way.
She is someone that I think had some trauma for a lot of her young life (abusive father), and she seems to have weird issues around attachment (or lack there of) that's never been addressed. I try really hard to be sure not to dismiss her opinion, etc., and not favor my mother over her, but the trust in the relationship with my MIL isn't there. I would never have her in the delivery room, and I think I would never leave the baby with my MIL and FIL.
And I say stand your ground on who you want in the delivery room. Although as a couple your welcoming your new family member, it is a time when you're at your most vulnerable, and you should not have to be dealing with the stress of having someone in there you don't want. I saw on another board where someone suggested possibly involving them in a different way if you have your ownown and in delivery with you, like having your inlaws come in first after your time alone, etc.
So after that long over - tired ramble I guess good luck working through this with you DH, yourself and your MIL. Hopefully your DH will be someone who can help figure things out, and I guess just be open to change!
As far as the delivery room, I've always made sure everyone knows that is mine and the father's time to enjoy our new family member and the extended family can be involved after we've had our moment. It's a very special moment and it should belong to the parents unless you want to include others. My mom was mad at first, but after a few years of establishing boundaries, she understands. I don't even tell people the baby is born until I'm ready.
DS1 is 7. DD is 1. DS2 is coming in late April.
”Thank you for the suggestion. I will take into consideration.” Say it often and say it confidently and move on with your life and do as you think best, for you, baby, and dad. Don’t let this woman get to you.
OP, you sound like you may be young (under 25), so it may be hard for you to find the self-confidence to use your voice in these situations, especially if she is anyway financially helping you out, but this is the beginning of motherhood. You will be forced to voice a lot of concerns when advocating for your child and this is just the start. Good luck!
I expect you're never coming back, at least not to actually talk to us, but I'm sure others are going through this too. I will say, she might be somewhat right about being too protective. We love our kids and want the absolute best for them, but there is such a thing as being too protective.
Anyway. Pick your battles. When she talks about your clothes, ignore it. When she talks about your labour and delivery, tell her flat out who will be there and change the subject from there. (Nurses will keep out anyone you don't want there, so she really has no control over this aspect.) When it comes to the nursery, if it makes her happy to set one up, let her. Baby might not spent the night there, but it could come in handy for naps while you're visiting anyway.
DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe
DD2: October 2016
DC3: coming May 2019
@knarlytaurus you are a better woman than I am. I have a lot of issues with my MIL and I do favor my mom which causes added strain. DH's and my parents both live 4 miles from each other and we live across the country so visits are hard. To your point about age, MIL is closer in age to my grandmother than my mom and my mom is closer in age to DH's older sister than to MIL (DH is only 31, but his mom is 73). My mom and I probably talk on the phone 3-5 hours a week at least. DH calls his parents once a week on his 15-20 minute drive home from work and they both get on the phone. The relationships are just completely different as my parents are divorced and my mom is "my person" after DH and I am hers. MIL never let go of being parents to her kids and still nags and scolds like they're 5 year olds. It's so sad to watch. SIL (DH's sister) made a comment to DH and his brother about children who are married being closer to the wife's family. BIL was super offended and DH was like "no, that was targeted at us and it's fine because it's true." I could go on about all of the things she's done to alienate me but DH and I are basically on the same page about it and he sees the way she acts very clearly.
OP, if you ever come back, stand your ground but don't bring up issues or let them cause stress before the baby is even here (about letting MIL watch your child overnight). No one pressured us on the delivery room. My mom was out to be with us but wasn't in the room, even though we're very close. It was a special moment for me and DH (and the dozen or so doctors and hospital staff in the room, of course).
I dunno, I guess I think of birth as less about the baby and more about the mother. Whatever the mother needs for support at that time is what flies. Every moment after that is all about the baby, but the mother is the one going through that scary process.
THIS was my issue too.
Keep in mind that a LOT of laboring is just sitting around waiting (if you get an epidural-if you do it naturally, you are walking around screaming in pain). DH is NOT a medically inclined person and really not the best support person for me in terms of asking questions and advocating. Plus I knew that in being strong for me, he would need support while in labor I didn't want to have to take care of DH if he had a panic attack, so I had my ILs there to do it for me. They showed up after my epidural got put in and my mom drove down (4 hours) to be there to help make medical decisions if I could not make them myself. We spent 5 hours waiting for me to progress shooting the shit with my ILs and then my mom showed up and it was a big party until DD's heart rate dropped and they were all thrown out of the room. I needed an emergency c-section- but I was so glad my mom was there just in case there were other decisions to be made b/c DH would NOT have been able to make them and I wouldn't trust my ILs. This is what I felt comfortable with and what worked the best for us.
Definitely consider the needs of your SO when planning your birth, because you don't want to have to take care of them when you are in labor.
What is it with grandparents thinking they have the “right” to be in the delivery room?
Were you there when the baby was put in there? No, so therefore you don’t get to be there when it comes out.
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks.
10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero surgery
11/2/17 Twin A & B born
11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU
Benched 6 months
BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO
BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
Married 8/16/13
BFP#1 DS 11/13/16
BFP# 2 MMC dx @ 13w 10/30/18
BFP# 3 Preemie DD born at 38w (IUGR) on 8/28/19 weighing 5.5lbs. Our little miracle
I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING AT THIS
Also, WTF on ANYONE thinking a MIL (or mother) has a "right" to be in the delivery room. I can see how it'd be a bit offensive to have your MIL there and your mother not, but it's still like, if that's what you need to get this baby out, you have to stand your ground.
So, I know I've posted something very similar in the past! Neither my ILs nor my parents not my H were insistent on anyone being in there, and neither parents asked (I don't want anyone there besides H and the midwives). This was my response to someone whose H insisted his mom should be there. And my response is always, sure she can be there if he's willing to drop trou in front of her dad while having signifant pressure applied to his balls for several hours!
ETA: the most important thing is for the woman to be comfortable, full stop. Read Ina May Gaskin's book. If a woman is uncomfortable or stressed or whatever, it can have significant negative effects on labor and can lead to what to unnecessary interventions. Who cares what the parent wants. They don't have to go through labor for hours and potentially undergo surgery if stress causes labor to stop progressing!
ETA2: I actually found my past post. It was in response to the woman's mom wanting to be there, and I said her MOM should drop trou in front of her while doing something painful if she wants to be in the room during the birth.
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/comment/89969821/#Comment_89969821
The MILs, especially the ones who don’t have the best relationship with DIL, well I really don’t know. My MIL would never dream of asking, but if I needed her she would drop everything and be there.
Those of you with relatives who want to be in the room - you might want to check hospital policy before you promise anyone a place at your delivery. At the hospital I delivered DD1 at, you were only allowed 2 support people in the room during labour and delivery. Afterwards, you could have as many people come visit as you want, and there was a waiting room for others to wait during delivery, but only 2 while the actual stuff was happening.
This could be a good excuse for those of you struggling with people insisting on being present too, even if it's not actually a policy of the hospital's. "Sorry MIL... the hospital won't allow you to be there! Nothing I can do!"
DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe
DD2: October 2016
DC3: coming May 2019
Regardless, idk. I bled a lot, I threw up a lot, I went to the bathroom a lot, I leaked amniotic fluid a lot. While I think birth has a certain wonder and awe to it, I do not think birth is beautiful. This is largely due to my modest and somewhat private personality but the fewer people who saw me like that, the better. I'm also so glad I didn't have anyone in the waiting room. He wasn't born for over 24 hours and by that point I was freaking exhausted out of my MIND and just wanted to be with my baby and sleep. Though I'm sure I'd feel differently if I'd had an experience like a 10 hour start to finish experience with a full night's rest, it's just something to think about. My parents live a few hours away and my plan was to tell them to start driving when baby was born bc I still had two hours after delivery of just hanging in the recovery room before they moved me to my postpartum room.
And agreed, birth is boring. I wasn't bored because I was in pain but H literally took naps and watched some Netflix because it was so long!
DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe
DD2: October 2016
DC3: coming May 2019