May 2019 Moms

what should I do about a control MIL

I’m 14 weeks pregnant and ever since my MIL found out that I am pregnant she’s been trying to control everything about me. She’s tells me I need to wear clothes that show off my bump (it’s not even there) and that I need to eat more then what I do and that she should be in the delivery room. And the other night she told me she wants a  nursery at her house for when the baby comes and I told her that I’m not even sure if I’ll let my baby stay a night with anyone until a year and she got upset with me and told me that I need to understand that she and my mother has raised a baby before. I tried to tell her that since this is my first baby I’m going to be protective and she tried telling me not to be too protective. Please just tell me how to handle this because I don’t want to be disrespectful but she needs to understand she’s a grandparent. 
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Re: what should I do about a control MIL

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  • faith_1 said:
    I’m 14 weeks pregnant and ever since my MIL found out that I am pregnant she’s been trying to control everything about me. She’s tells me I need to wear clothes that show off my bump (it’s not even there) and that I need to eat more then what I do and that she should be in the delivery room. And the other night she told me she wants a  nursery at her house for when the baby comes and I told her that I’m not even sure if I’ll let my baby stay a night with anyone until a year and she got upset with me and told me that I need to understand that she and my mother has raised a baby before. I tried to tell her that since this is my first baby I’m going to be protective and she tried telling me not to be too protective. Please just tell me how to handle this because I don’t want to be disrespectful but she needs to understand she’s a grandparent. 
    QFP


  • @faith_1 I would just put your foot down. Don't say much about what ifs at this point because you really don't know what you'll do or how you'll feel when baby gets here (you can tell her that and tell her a nursery won't be necessary but if she wants to get a pack n play you won't stop her). As far as how you dress, you can address that now. "I will wear what I'm comfortable in, and tight clothes aren't it right now, thank you." When baby gets here, be adamant about what you will and won't allow at that time. Things change all the time so I really wouldn't be up in arms about baby staying the night. You could very well want a break before baby is a year and she could very well prove to you that baby is safe with her and make you comfortable to leave baby. But as things come up that are relevant, just stand your ground. 
  • 🤷‍♀️ My kids have a (shared) bedroom at my mom's house.  Neither of them spent the night away from me before a year because they were exclusively breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle, but it made my mom happy to have a place for them and she used it when she babysat during the day for naps, etc.  

    As far as everything else, I totally agree with @eatinwatermelonseeds.  She can't control what you wear, who's in the delivery room, etc.  Its honestly none of her business and I would certainly stand my ground on that.  But unless you have a reason to already not trust your parents with your baby, I wouldn't go around telling them that you will be protective of your baby where they are concerned just yet.  That would have broken my mom, and frankly there would be no reason I couldn't have trusted her or my MIL with my babies at any stage.  They are both extremely competent mothers and while many of the recommendations have changed since they raised babies and they don't always do things exactly the way I would, I would never worry about my child's safety in their care.  When baby arrives, just take each day as it comes and let your family know that you are figuring out how to be a mom and what your comfortable with.  

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  • You and your husband need to get on the same page about boundaries with your parents. Then let everyone know the rules and stick to them. It's important to enforce consequences when a rule is broken or a boundary is crossed.

    Hubs and I kind of had a contentious relationship with his parents after the wedding. It took a few years and work from both sides but we all established boundaries and learned to respect the others as adults. It's made talking to my in-laws about my pregnancy a joy. 
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  • @faith_1 - sorry for the long post, but I guess your post hit a nerve with me. This is something I've been struggling with a bit, too. I haven't had control issues with my MIL, but I totally get not being confortable leaving the baby with her. I find I struggle with a relationship with her (but I think I'm not unique in that)  I have heard about the dreaded alpha grandma wars that sometimes crop up, so maybe that is part of what is going on in your situation.

    However, I have seen the struggle with balance between the relationship with the new mother and the husband's mother play out a bit with my SIL and my own mother. My mother has had times when she felt like she was routinely dismissed by my SIL, or pitted against my SIL's mom, even though my mother raised 3 kids and was a preschool/kindergarten teacher for over 30 years (who had been recognized for her excellence in teaching). It was real and it sucked/sucks to watch it happen. So I might suggest that perhaps it is worth doing some self reflection at why you feel this way. I find this step really difficult for myself, since when it comes down to it, I don't trust my MIL's judgement. Her "kooky" behavior is a known thing in my DH's extended family, but just because it's known doesn't mean I'd trust leaving my baby with them! 

    My husband is in his early 50s, so things have changed ALOT since she was a mom to young kids. Also, the stories I hear from my husband and his siblings from their time as kids sounds like they ran wild, and then I hear the stories from my SIL on DH's side, and they had issues with her too. She even once told my husband and his brother that if she could do it all again, she wouldn't have had kids. While I understand options were limited for women in the 1960s, it just seems like something you wouldn't tell your own kids in that way. 
    She is someone that I think had some trauma for a lot of her young life (abusive father), and she seems to have weird issues around attachment (or lack there of) that's never been addressed. I try really hard to be sure not to dismiss her opinion, etc., and not favor my mother over her, but the trust in the relationship with my MIL isn't there. I would never have her in the delivery room, and I think I would never leave the baby with my MIL and FIL.

    And I say stand your ground on who you want in the delivery room. Although as a couple your welcoming your new family member, it is a time when you're at your most vulnerable, and you should not have to be dealing with the stress of having someone in there you don't want. I saw on another board where someone suggested possibly involving them in a different way if you have your ownown and in delivery with you, like having your inlaws come in first after your time alone, etc. 

    So after that long over - tired ramble I guess good luck working through this with you DH, yourself and your MIL. Hopefully your DH will be someone who can help figure things out, and I guess just be open to change! 
  • I haven't read the other replies, but...she will get worse.  You need to set a boundary right now and put your foot down.  She can get mad all she wants.  This is your baby and not hers.  Yes, she's a grandmother and they have their place too...but they need to know where that boundary is. Also, don't ever let her make you feel guilty.  There's enough mom guilt to go around that we shouldn't let family be part of it too.  Good luck.

    As far as the delivery room, I've always made sure everyone knows that is mine and the father's time to enjoy our new family member and the extended family can be involved after we've had our moment.  It's a very special moment and it should belong to the parents unless you want to include others.  My mom was mad at first, but after a few years of establishing boundaries, she understands.  I don't even tell people the baby is born until I'm ready.

    DS1 is 7.  DD is 1.  DS2 is coming in late April.


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  • What I’m trying to understand is why grandmothers think they should be allowed into the delivery room. This came up so many times in my past bmb’s as well. It’s a private moment for you and your partner. Thankfully neither my mom or MIL ever asked or even hinted about being there. 
    Ivy: July 2010  |  Stella: Dec 2012  |  BFP#3: MMC at 11Wk's, July 2017 | Wyatt: April 2019 | BFP#5: Twin Girls due Sept 2020

  • chloe97chloe97 member
    edited November 2018
    My number one piece of advice for dealing with a MIL is a mantra a good friend told me years ago and I use it all the time with my (mostly) well-meaning MIL.

    ”Thank you for the suggestion. I will take into consideration.” Say it often and say it confidently and move on with your life and do as you think best, for you, baby, and dad. Don’t let this woman get to you. 

    OP, you sound like you may be young (under 25), so it may be hard for you to find the self-confidence to use your voice in these situations, especially if she is anyway financially helping you out, but this is the beginning of motherhood. You will be forced to voice a lot of concerns when advocating for your child and this is just the start. Good luck!
  • @expandcontract Yea, I was surprised to see so many comments but I think this is a topic that strikes a nerve with many.

    @knarlytaurus you are a better woman than I am. I have a lot of issues with my MIL and I do favor my mom which causes added strain. DH's and my parents both live 4 miles from each other and we live across the country so visits are hard. To your point about age, MIL is closer in age to my grandmother than my mom and my mom is closer in age to DH's older sister than to MIL (DH is only 31, but his mom is 73). My mom and I probably talk on the phone 3-5 hours a week at least. DH calls his parents once a week on his 15-20 minute drive home from work and they both get on the phone. The relationships are just completely different as my parents are divorced and my mom is "my person" after DH and I am hers. MIL never let go of being parents to her kids and still nags and scolds like they're 5 year olds. It's so sad to watch. SIL (DH's sister) made a comment to DH and his brother about children who are married being closer to the wife's family. BIL was super offended and DH was like "no, that was targeted at us and it's fine because it's true." I could go on about all of the things she's done to alienate me but DH and I are basically on the same page about it and he sees the way she acts very clearly.

    OP, if you ever come back, stand your ground but don't bring up issues or let them cause stress before the baby is even here (about letting MIL watch your child overnight). No one pressured us on the delivery room. My mom was out to be with us but wasn't in the room, even though we're very close. It was a special moment for me and DH (and the dozen or so doctors and hospital staff in the room, of course).

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  • robyn2201 said:
    What I’m trying to understand is why grandmothers think they should be allowed into the delivery room. This came up so many times in my past bmb’s as well. It’s a private moment for you and your partner. Thankfully neither my mom or MIL ever asked or even hinted about being there. 
    I totally agree that grandmothers shouldnt expect to be in the delivery room, but I'm torn on how I want to do this birth. If hubs wants to be in there he can but I can't help but feel like 1) he'd be happier outside and coming in after the sausage gets made, so to speak and 2) I'll spend my time being more worried about him than myself and I want to focus on me. So if hubs doesn't come in I'd consider having my MIL in there with me. Not so she can be all "my grandbaby!" but because she would be a good support for me, personally.

    I dunno, I guess I think of birth as less about the baby and more about the mother. Whatever the mother needs for support at that time is what flies. Every moment after that is all about the baby, but the mother is the one going through that scary process.
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  • My mother sabotaged her ability to even be in the state for the birth when she found out she wouldn't be in the room. And so she wasn't and didn't meet him until he was 4 months old. It's petty. My husband and I were the only ones there when the baby was made, we don't need a full audience when baby comes out of the same place. The random ass strangers staring at my hooha are more than enough. 
  • @missmcgonnagal I strongly suggest getting a doula.  My doula was amazing for not only helping and supporting me, but gently helping my husband both be supportive and feel supported.  You need to just worry about yourself, but your husband doesn’t need to miss a life-changing experience just so you don’t have to worry about him.  A doula helps strike a great balance!  
  • I totally agree that grandmothers shouldnt expect to be in the delivery room, but I'm torn on how I want to do this birth. If hubs wants to be in there he can but I can't help but feel like 1) he'd be happier outside and coming in after the sausage gets made, so to speak and 2) I'll spend my time being more worried about him than myself and I want to focus on me. So if hubs doesn't come in I'd consider having my MIL in there with me. Not so she can be all "my grandbaby!" but because she would be a good support for me, personally.

    I dunno, I guess I think of birth as less about the baby and more about the mother. Whatever the mother needs for support at that time is what flies. Every moment after that is all about the baby, but the mother is the one going through that scary process.
    Great, now I have Hamilton in my head.

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  • sleepy33 said:
    I totally agree that grandmothers shouldnt expect to be in the delivery room, but I'm torn on how I want to do this birth. If hubs wants to be in there he can but I can't help but feel like 1) he'd be happier outside and coming in after the sausage gets made, so to speak and 2) I'll spend my time being more worried about him than myself and I want to focus on me. So if hubs doesn't come in I'd consider having my MIL in there with me. Not so she can be all "my grandbaby!" but because she would be a good support for me, personally.

    I dunno, I guess I think of birth as less about the baby and more about the mother. Whatever the mother needs for support at that time is what flies. Every moment after that is all about the baby, but the mother is the one going through that scary process.
    Great, now I have Hamilton in my head.

    My work here is done.
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  • robyn2201 said:
    What I’m trying to understand is why grandmothers think they should be allowed into the delivery room. This came up so many times in my past bmb’s as well. It’s a private moment for you and your partner. Thankfully neither my mom or MIL ever asked or even hinted about being there. 
    I totally agree that grandmothers shouldnt expect to be in the delivery room, but I'm torn on how I want to do this birth. If hubs wants to be in there he can but I can't help but feel like 1) he'd be happier outside and coming in after the sausage gets made, so to speak and 2) I'll spend my time being more worried about him than myself and I want to focus on me. So if hubs doesn't come in I'd consider having my MIL in there with me. Not so she can be all "my grandbaby!" but because she would be a good support for me, personally.

    I dunno, I guess I think of birth as less about the baby and more about the mother. Whatever the mother needs for support at that time is what flies. Every moment after that is all about the baby, but the mother is the one going through that scary process.

    THIS was my issue too.

    Keep in mind that a LOT of laboring is just sitting around waiting (if you get an epidural-if you do it naturally, you are walking around screaming in pain). DH is NOT a medically inclined person and really not the best support person for me in terms of asking questions and advocating. Plus I knew that in being strong for me, he would need support while in labor I didn't want to have to take care of DH if he had a panic attack, so I had my ILs there to do it for me.  They showed up after my epidural got put in and my mom drove down (4 hours) to be there to help make medical decisions if I could not make them myself. We spent 5 hours waiting for me to progress shooting the shit with my ILs and then my mom showed up and it was a big party until DD's heart rate dropped and they were all thrown out of the room. I needed an emergency c-section- but I was so glad my mom was there just in case there were other decisions to be made b/c DH would NOT have been able to make them and I wouldn't trust my ILs. This is what I felt comfortable with and what worked the best for us.

    Definitely consider the needs of your SO when planning your birth, because you don't want to have to take care of them when you are in labor. 
  • ::lurking::

    What is it with grandparents thinking they have the “right” to be in the delivery room? 

    Were you there when the baby was put in there? No, so therefore you don’t get to be there when it comes out.  
    *TW* Spoiler
    Me: 33 DH:30
    DD: Aug '16
    10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks.
    10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero surgery
    11/2/17 Twin A & B born 
    11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU
    Benched 6 months 
    BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18  BO
    BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18



  • kvh22kvh22 member
    edited November 2018
    @missmcgonnagal I actually thought the same thing as @anonellis when I saw your comment. I did not get a doula but my SIL did. She wanted to not get any paid meds and does not have a high pain tolerance. She asked for meds a hundred times apparently and there's no way my brother would have talked her into going med free but the doula was great from what I've heard. This is all from my mom who was visiting and talked to the doula but not in the room so I'm technically not supposed to know this (she would have you believe she did not ask for meds). I had an epidural and DH was great for what I needed except he was trying to feed me ice chips and kept missing my mouth which did provide some good comic relief, so maybe it was helpful lol. ETA: DH was also holding my right leg while I was pushing which had completely fallen asleep from the pain meds so he had other things going on, too.

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  • My husband was very good at just staying out of the way. He pissed me off so much when we first got there (if you want an equally funny and infuriating story, I can share that one later 😂), but then he just kind of stayed in the corner until I got my epidural. Once that happened, I told him to take a nap and I eagerly waited for them to tell me when to push. When it was time, I woke him up and he stood quietly next to me holding my leg for the next hour and a half and sweetly pretending he didn't notice when I pooped 😂
  • OP posting and dashing has us like: 

    vanish where did you go GIF
    *TW*
    Me: 32 │ DH: 35 
    Married 8/16/13
    BFP#1 DS 11/13/16
    BFP# 2 MMC dx @ 13w 10/30/18
    BFP# 3 Preemie DD born at 38w (IUGR) on 8/28/19 weighing 5.5lbs. Our little miracle  <3


  • zuuls_mom said:
    OP posting and dashing has us like: 

    vanish where did you go GIF
    That poor confused cat  :D
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  • @kvh22 I'm glad I'm not alone. I never really thought about The MIL relationship until my relationship with DH and it has been interesting for sure. I know I totally unloaded  but it's the little nagging thought that seems to sit in the back of my brain. It's hard to be fair, but at least DH and I are on the same page.
  • @liliumstargazer13 YES! I saw a thread on the Bump where some women were giving another lady such a hard time for saying she didn't feel comfortable with having her MIL there for hard labor, but she wanted her own mom for support. I was floored. Maybe it's an age thing or I don't even know. They were like - it's his baby, too, and MIL has every right to be there. I actually kind of felt bad for these women since they must have been brainwashed into being submissive women where the man always leads (I have no idea if this is the case but I just could fathom any otherother of they wouldwould it this!) 
  • @knarlytaurus yes, if you and your husband are aligned, then that's great. It used to cause stress between us and then I started pointing out the little things MIL would do to put me down and he totally got it and was floored. We basically never fight about her any more.

    Also, WTF on ANYONE thinking a MIL (or mother) has a "right" to be in the delivery room. I can see how it'd be a bit offensive to have your MIL there and your mother not, but it's still like, if that's what you need to get this baby out, you have to stand your ground.

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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    edited November 2018
    Was it on this board that someone's husband was insistent that his parents be in the delivery room, and her response was sure, as long as he took a dump fully naked in front of her parents? I think about that every time someone insists on being there. 
    *lurker from March*

    So, I know I've posted something very similar in the past! Neither my ILs nor my parents not my H were insistent on anyone being in there, and neither parents asked (I don't want anyone there besides H and the midwives). This was my response to someone whose H insisted his mom should be there.  And my response is always, sure she can be there if he's willing to drop trou in front of her dad while having signifant pressure applied to his balls for several hours!

    ETA: the most important thing is for the woman to be comfortable, full stop. Read Ina May Gaskin's book. If a woman is uncomfortable or stressed or whatever, it can have significant negative effects on labor and can lead to what to unnecessary interventions. Who cares what the parent wants. They don't have to go through labor for hours and potentially undergo surgery if stress causes labor to stop progressing!

    ETA2: I actually found my past post. It was in response to the woman's mom wanting to be there, and I said her MOM should drop trou in front of her while doing something painful if she wants to be in the room during the birth. 
    https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/comment/89969821/#Comment_89969821
  • I honestly don't understand why anyone besides the SO would WANT to be in the delivery room. Deliveries take a long time, they are mainly boring up until actual push time,  not to mention how gross they are.  Im imagining myself as a MIL and I honestly should not want to be in there.  Like,  just call me after the baby's born,  settled in,  and the mom is washed up and comfortable.  After that, I will be there to help (and cuddle) as long as you need/want me. 


  • @expandcontract I have interest in being a labor and delivery nurse when I start a residency. I can see myself being that mother in law who wants to be in the room when baby is born. I absolutely loved my clinical round and I want to be a part of that more often and especially with someone I care about. There's nothing gross about it from my point of view as a professional. HOWEVER, I will be completely understanding if my daughter in law doesn't want me in the room, because I don't want anyone except H in there, nobody needs to see all that. I definitely would not be pushy, even if it was my own daughter. But I definitely would want to be in the room for it, it's a pretty intense time, and I like to think I do well in those situations and that I'm a good support. 
  • @expandcontract as much as I agree with you that deliveries are kinda gross, I can totally see a mother’s perspective on wanting to be in there.  I personally don’t find it gross, having been through it myself, and if a friend asked me to help coach her I would do it in a heartbeat.  I think that’s what most mothers are hoping for too.  A friend of my mom’s was in the delivery room recently.  When we were all at my mom’s bday in October my mom was telling me about her friend’s new grand baby and then added “she even got to be in the delivery room”.  While I don’t think my mom holds it against me that I didn’t invite her in, and she certainly never asked, it was definitely meant as a little jab.  Like, why don’t we have a close enough relationship for you to want me in there too?  

    The MILs, especially the ones who don’t have the best relationship with DIL, well I really don’t know.  My MIL would never dream of asking, but if I needed her she would drop everything and be there.  
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  • My struggle with this is that my MIL has no daughters, only sons. But I don’t even want my own mom in there, let alone my MIL, yet I almost feel obligated to have them there. My mom said she is perfectly happy sitting in the waiting room until baby is born and we’ve had some time together, which is nice. I was most nervous about her reaction because she had her mom, both sisters, my dad. And my older sisters in the room with her.
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  • @expandcontract Honestly, after I got the epidural- having people in the room while I was labor Was nice. Kept my mind off what was going on. My Dad and FIL both got shows when I had cervix checks, which I attribute as their fault for sitting where they sat. I would not have had our parents in the room for the pushing though. That shits private. They would all sit in the waiting room, but I had a Csection so it wasn’t even an option.
  • @mrskoz428 that is your MIL's struggle, not yours.  While she had no control over whether she had boys or girls, it is not your responsibility as the DIL to give her the mother-daughter relationship she never had.  I didn't want my mom in there either, and she respected that.  Everyone is different.  Here's my take, if you are on the fence and the people in your life are comfortable being waiting room bystanders then let them do that for as long as they choose.  You may feel differently once you are actually labouring, so invite someone in at some point if you feel like having them.  Without having been there its impossible to know how you'll feel once your in the thick of it.  But I would be clear with everyone that if you say go, they had best clear out quickly without a second request.  
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  • Those of you with relatives who want to be in the room - you might want to check hospital policy before you promise anyone a place at your delivery. At the hospital I delivered DD1 at, you were only allowed 2 support people in the room during labour and delivery. Afterwards, you could have as many people come visit as you want, and there was a waiting room for others to wait during delivery, but only 2 while the actual stuff was happening.

    This could be a good excuse for those of you struggling with people insisting on being present too, even if it's not actually a policy of the hospital's. "Sorry MIL... the hospital won't allow you to be there! Nothing I can do!"

    DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe
    DD2: October 2016
    DC3: coming May 2019





  • ^good point. I think my hospital only allowed 1!! I may be remembering that wrong bc what if you want your SO and a doula?

    Regardless, idk. I bled a lot, I threw up a lot, I went to the bathroom a lot, I leaked amniotic fluid a lot. While I think birth has a certain wonder and awe to it, I do not think birth is beautiful. This is largely due to my modest and somewhat private personality but the fewer people who saw me like that, the better. I'm also so glad I didn't have anyone in the waiting room. He wasn't born for over 24 hours and by that point I was freaking exhausted out of my MIND and just wanted to be with my baby and sleep. Though I'm sure I'd feel differently if I'd had an experience like a 10 hour start to finish experience with a full night's rest, it's just something to think about. My parents live a few hours away and my plan was to tell them to start driving when baby was born bc I still had two hours after delivery of just hanging in the recovery room before they moved me to my postpartum room.

    And agreed, birth is boring. I wasn't bored because I was in pain but H literally took naps and watched some Netflix because it was so long!

  • When I found out that we are having a 2nd boy-- part of my initial reaction was "Oh no... I'm going to be 'the other grandma' " It's obviously a long way off for me... but I think sometimes think paternal grandmothers get slighted. She 100% should not be trying to control you, but maybe she feels the need to insert herself so she isn't overlooked. I would tackle this in a kind way and work on including her more when you can. That doesn't mean she should be in the room when you push. But, tell her she's welcome to visit after you've had the epidural and before you start pushing. Then she can wait with everyone else in the waiting room. And, let her have a bedroom for your baby in her home. Your baby may not sleep over until a little older... but you may sleep there. And when you spend the night, the baby can be in his or her own room. Tell her to just get a pack n play or something cheap and temporary. When the baby is older, then she can get a bed for sleepovers at grandma's. Also, maybe ask her to go with you to the mall to go shopping for the baby... just include her when you can, like you'd think to include your own mom. 
  • @willmisspumpkinbeer if it's any consolation, my siblings and I always preferred our paternal grandma.
    kids with flags
  • @willmisspumpkinbeer I'll add my own reassurance! My kids definitely prefer their paternal grandparents and we see them way more often. My parents love their grandkids, but they're not as young child focused. My MIL will actually get on the floor and play with them. It has a lot more to do with how you interact with your grandkids, I think. I am so grateful for my PIL.

    DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe
    DD2: October 2016
    DC3: coming May 2019





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