@KissMeImScottish I have such a soft spot for Aspies because they tend to be so straightforward and upfront. I don't have to guess much what they're thinking. It also helps that one nearly saved my life with her good advice and clear thinking.
I will say as far as the Aspergers thing...he IS very straightforward and socially awkward. The things he does and his train of thought is sometimes baffling. Not all people with Aspergers are alike. I found a website with over 100 testimonies of women married to men with Aspergers that each described my relationship almost exactly. It is common for them to have “tantrums” which is where I struggle so hard. Is this really abuse or is it an uncontrollable tantrum. It always happens when things interrupt his routine and it’s always straight into complete mind blindness. Even if he gets treatment for this I know it isn’t curable. I hate this so much. I want to heed the advice and just avoid any further pain, but if someone abandoned me because of my depression and anxiety I would be devastated. I am going to continue to pray and prepare myself to be ready to leave if I need to at a moments notice. I will be saving money and setting up some alternative living situations. I want to reiterate that I am not afraid to leave...I just want to believe in the beauty of strength and healing a little longer before I give up and alter many lives forever.
@asavka it doesn’t matter if it’s an uncontrollable tantrum or abuse, that is not safe and healthy for you and definitely not safe for your child or unborn child.
@Asavka I don’t want to waste my time convincing you to leave, because I know it’s not going to make a difference right now. A lot of other women on this board have already tried and I don’t think I could write anything they haven’t. But I just want to point out a few things in your last post.
1. Aspergers and Depression/Anxiety are completely different. Comparing leaving someone with aspergers shouldn’t be compared to leaving someone with anxiety or depression. 2. Life with a newborn will disrupt his routine in so many ways. Don’t wait until you have two children who need you in your home. They are defenseless and as much as I hate to point this out, you never know what he could do or take out on them. 3. Your last line irked me. You’re altering their lives forever for the worse by NOT leaving. Leaving would alter their lives forever for the better.
Also, I re-read your intro. For the love of God and your children, PLEASE do not marry this man in a couple months.
I’m not going to marry him. He asked me to and I considered it immediately after finding out I was pregnant but obviously realize that it’s a horrible idea. Now or ever. I am really having a hard time wrestling between my head and my heart! How do I explain to so many people in his family that will never believe me...why I am leaving with his child. I’m afraid of what they will do. I’m afraid of all of the hurt I will cause. I am not afraid to not be with him...but at this point...I feel so stuck and stupid and embarrassed. I’m sorry for anyone who is offended by any of this or feels annoyed with me. This is the hardest thing I have ever ever had to go through. I would never terminate the pregnancy but I am heartbroken at the thought of what is ahead for me. I hope for the best either way but I expect turmoil because I know how life goes. I can’t handle that at this very moment. 😢💔
@Asavka I wasn't going to continue to post on this thread but I will because I feel like you're on the fence. It does not matter what his family and friends think. What matters is that your children have a healthy relationship with their parents. And they may get that in time if you make the hard decision now. They will not get that if you stay with this man. Your only priority is to do what is in their best interest, even if that means hurting other people. Yes, it's hard and it's scary and you will have guilt. But at the end of the day, you are doing what's best for your kids and that's all that matters.
1. Do you have a bank account that he doesn't have access to? [This would include knowing your password(s).] 2. Do you have photocopies and digital copies of all your personal documents to include IDs, passports, social security cards, etc? 3. If you have a vehicle, is it in your own name, and your name alone? 4. Do you have a safe place you could get to at a moment's notice with your child in tow? A friend's couch, maybe? 5. Do you have a friend, counselor, pastor, coworker, etc. that knows the situation you're in and your emergency contacts? 6. Does your SO have access to a firearm or other weapons?
Just some questions that I think you should be thinking through as you work through the rest of the stuff in your head.
I strongly believe people can improve themselves, if they are motivated to, and overcome shortcomings. But he pushed you a few times? I stopped reading there. Some lines cannot be uncrossed. I would run.
Me: 31 & DH: 36 Married 2009 DS: 6 y/o TTC #2 for (way too long) BFP: 12/30/2016 !!!
Honest question here... if it would be a horrible idea to marry him, now or ever, then why would you stick around? Genuinely, and I mean this for anyone, even absent any of the abuse questions -- if you can rule out the possibility of ever wanting a lifetime commitment with someone, what's the point of staying with him for the short term? You won't heal him, and I think you know that. Your daughter may get more attached, though, if he's as good with her as you say -- but if you don't want to marry him, ever, isn't it more cruel to stay and let her form that attachment, not to mention keep him or you from moving on to the person you ARE meant to be with? What's the good that comes from staying with someone now that you know you don't want to be with forever?
There's a lot of solid advice on this thread. Bottom line, he's an abuser. This is not a safe environment to bring a new child into. Get out. If his family gives you a hard time over it, tell him he's an abuser, if they have your best interest, they should support you.
I just wanted everyone to know that I looked at a place on Saturday and was offered to move in just about an hour ago. I prayed so hard for God to shine light on the path he intended for me, and fast. Well I would say it doesn’t get any faster than this. He provided my answer. I know this is what I must do, no matter how sad I feel. It’s nothing compared to the sadness I deal with in my relationship day after day. Wish me luck, moving starts next week. I will update periodically. Thank you all again. I cannot argue with God! :’)
I'm so proud of you for making the hard decision and trusting God with the path. Please continue to post when you can, if we can be any emotional support for you.
I'm so glad you lined up a safe space for yourself and your children. I really, truly wish you the best of luck and we're all here to give support. I know it won't be easy but you're strong and you can do it.
Just read this whole post and I am so, so happy you made that decision and that the opportunity came at the right timing.
Good luck to you and continue to be as strong.
If you do eventually have doubts, I’d encourage you to read through your first post in this thread where you mention how looking back you realized this past year you have not been very happy, the decisions he takes without talking to you first (as moving somewhere else), him coming home drunk often, or just angry, etc, etc. They all seem like legit reasons to go your own way, even if he never physically abused you (other than those “few pushes”).
Best of luck and keep us posted. I know your children will grow to see you as a fighter and a loving mother.
Re: In Dire Need of Advice Please...Relationship Feels Doomed
1. Aspergers and Depression/Anxiety are completely different. Comparing leaving someone with aspergers shouldn’t be compared to leaving someone with anxiety or depression.
2. Life with a newborn will disrupt his routine in so many ways. Don’t wait until you have two children who need you in your home. They are defenseless and as much as I hate to point this out, you never know what he could do or take out on them.
3. Your last line irked me. You’re altering their lives forever for the worse by NOT leaving. Leaving would alter their lives forever for the better.
Also, I re-read your intro. For the love of God and your children, PLEASE do not marry this man in a couple months.
1. Do you have a bank account that he doesn't have access to? [This would include knowing your password(s).]
2. Do you have photocopies and digital copies of all your personal documents to include IDs, passports, social security cards, etc?
3. If you have a vehicle, is it in your own name, and your name alone?
4. Do you have a safe place you could get to at a moment's notice with your child in tow? A friend's couch, maybe?
5. Do you have a friend, counselor, pastor, coworker, etc. that knows the situation you're in and your emergency contacts?
6. Does your SO have access to a firearm or other weapons?
Just some questions that I think you should be thinking through as you work through the rest of the stuff in your head.
You said in your first post that "I know he loves me deeply." How do you know that? What does he do or say to show his love?
Me: 31 & DH: 36
Married 2009
DS: 6 y/o
TTC #2 for (way too long)
BFP: 12/30/2016 !!!
Whether an unstable, abusive person loves you does not matter. You need and *deserve* a stable, generous, healthy man to love you.
I also agree with @ki1244 - Please do continue to post if you want - you're welcome here.
ETA: I didn’t see the update before my post
Good luck to you and continue to be as strong.
If you do eventually have doubts, I’d encourage you to read through your first post in this thread where you mention how looking back you realized this past year you have not been very happy, the decisions he takes without talking to you first (as moving somewhere else), him coming home drunk often, or just angry, etc, etc. They all seem like legit reasons to go your own way, even if he never physically abused you (other than those “few pushes”).
Best of luck and keep us posted. I know your children will grow to see you as a fighter and a loving mother.