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June 2019 Moms
Asavka
member
In Dire Need of Advice Please...Relationship Feels Doomed
Asavka
member
Hi Ladies...I am so sorry to post this here but I feel like I have no one else to talk to. My friends and family are exhausted from hearing about it and just want me to leave. Where to even begin! My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and just found out we are pregnant. It has been a very tumultuous year, and we have been through some extremely intense life changes and situations. I love him, but looking back on the year I have to admit that I haven't been very happy with him most of the time. He is narcissistic, selfish, grumpy, cold, closed off, and absent. All of our relationship has been me trying to do everything I can to keep him happy while not getting any of my needs met. All I want from him is quality time, affection, and just to feel the presence and dedication of a real partner. Don't get me wrong, we have had some beautiful times and moments where it felt like our love could endure anything. Honestly though, I am at my wits end. He started a new job opening a new hotel and is never home. When he does come home he's either drunk from being out with friends or exhausted and pissed off. He consistently lets me down, is horrible at communicating, and my friends and family think he's a sociopath and totally weird. I feel so alone. We have been to therapy and in my one-on-one session my therapist described the details of his behavior as abusive and basically told me to get out. Last month I ended up moving all of my stuff back into my duplex and breaking it off. He was very distraught and tried very hard to win me back. THEN, I found out I was pregnant. All in the same time, my landlord told me I had to re-sign a lease or move. After extensive conversation and what felt like promising progress, I decided it was best to move in to his house and get things ready for the baby. We are both smart successful individuals and I believe we can make this work, and that we owe it to our child. Well, then out of nowhere after things were going great he tells me he took a job interview in Florida and was going to move to Coco Beach. I have a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship and have made it clear to him since the beginning that I will never move away from her or take her from her father, he's a good man and a wonderful father to her. For 5 days he acted as if he was leaving me and the baby. I was falling apart completely. My mother was happy as she believed it was a blessing for him to go. He bragged about the opportunity to everyone that would listen. It was a nightmare. Not to mention he told me on my 30th birthday, knowing it was NOT a happy surprise. Finally he told me he wasn't going to leave, but compared it to "looking at an expensive car I could never afford..just kicking the tires on an idea..." Okay, whatever. Well things were fine again for a few days ( I guess) But I don't feel like I can really trust him. He has major self esteem issues and a fragile ego. He has random outbursts over things that make people think he's nuts when I tell them about it. He has pushed me several times and screams at me for miniscule reasons, usually over things I say that he completely misinterprets. His Dad is extremely mean to his family and his mother, and his behavior reminds me of that to a T. I am at a loss. Yesterday he had another outburst and I was just completely at my wits end. I am afraid of him and I don't understand the way his mind works. I think he may have Aspergers. I know all of this sounds crazy but it's extremely hard to explain him without leaving everyone scratching their head. Despite all of this, I know he loves me deeply. He is just HORRIBLE at thinking about my needs and showing me that love. He is so insecure and has so many walls up. I feel nothing but pity for him. It's like he physically cannot express himself in a vulnerable way. The thing is, he is amazing with my daughter and always has been. He is so kind and loving to pets and animals and people in his life. I don't understand why he only treats me poorly. I know he will be a fantastic father to this baby. But I feel like I need to move out and get my own place. I am looking at a few houses for rent tomorrow morning. Is this the right move? *Sigh* I change my mind from minute to minute, one minute thinking I HAVE to leave him because he's only going to get worse and I deserve far better....in another minute I think we can overcome this with some help and therapy and do what is right and be a family for this child. Please, any thoughts or advice is GREATLY appreciated. I am completely at a loss here. I just want everything to be okay and for us to be best friends and make a beautiful life together.
Re: In Dire Need of Advice Please...Relationship Feels Doomed
I would also listen to your mom and friends, people who love you and have only your/baby’s best interest.
You already know the answer to this - you need to get out. Now. If your parents, friends, and therapist all tell you that this guy is bad for you, abusive, etc then you should listen to them. They love you and care about you and they're looking out for your best interests. From what you've described above, he is absolutely not someone you should be in a relationship with. He will never change. He will never get better. He will never give you what you want or need. He may have his good moments. He may convince you that this time is different but it's not. This is what abusers do. They manipulate to get what they want. I'm sorry you're in this position but the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is leave him and get your own place. Do not give in and go back to him when he inevitably comes crawling back and making all sorts of promises about his changed behavior. He will never change. Ever. No amount of love or therapy can make him the man you want him to be. Get out.
ETA: He also won't make any changes if there is no impetus to change. If you leave and he makes an effort, well, let him prove he wants to be that person, which can only happen with a LOT of time. And he may not do that, and you need to be willing to let things end. But he CERTAINLY will not do anything if he has no reason to, and sitting there allowing things to continue as they are, why would he bother to do anything differently? Sticking around sends the message that this is OK and, my dear, it very much isn't.
You definitely already have your answers and to be honest you should have been listened to your family and friends. They care about your well being and know you better than we do on this message board.
My sister went through a similar relationship, so I can understand why you feel conflicted. I'm sorry you are going through this situation. I think you know the answer though. Obviously, you need to leave.
I also think you should listen to this Ted Talk on what babies learn in the womb. I'll let you draw your own conclusions, but the emotional distress you are feeling isn't good for either of you.
It is never in the best interest for the child to have parents who are together if their relationship involves physical and verbal abuse. The only benefit they get is not having to live in two different houses, but that is hardly a benefit when they are around such a toxic relationship constantly.
I get where you are coming from, I have always been someone who believes in fighting for a relationship. Relationships are never as easy as they look and TV, and I believe people should always try your best to work things out. However, if either person is abusive, then that changes things. Manipulation and abuse only seem to get worse over time, not better, so if you feel unsafe then you really need to listen to your gut.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, and the stress and sadness that you must be feeling in what should be a happy time in your life.
Your family and friends are right, even though it’s not what you want to hear. He is abusive and you should leave him as soon as you can. What’s best for both of your children is not to normalize abuse by staying in a relationship like this. They will grow up thinking this is what love looks like. Please consider what you would tell your daughter if she found herself in a relationship where her boyfriend pushed her and screamed at her. Abusers don’t change overnight without serious intensive therapy. His abuse will likely escalate. Please please get out even if it means staying with your family before you can get your own place.
But it’s not that, those are the exceptions. You cannot ignore your safety anymore than you can fix someone who can’t or doesn’t want to be fixed. If you have ever been scared you know your answer already. I know it’s hard to process. It’s not your failure, it’s not even his, but that doesn’t ever make staying the right thing.
ETA: left out words
**TW**
I was in an abusive relationship once. He was very unpredictable and always putting me in the wrong etc. Then one night he lost control. I was 4 months pregnant with my first born. He threw pieces of furniture at me that night, punched holes in the wall around my head, and threw me around the room. I was smart too and a strong woman and I still ended up going back to him so we could try and be a family. When I finally left for good, it was such a relief. Like a huge weight lifted off of me.Luckily, my son has never met him and my husband was able to adopt him 7 years ago. He was saved from seeing any of that and has only seen how a man should treat and love his wife. He will be a better man for it too.
Edit: fix words.
*edited for typo
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
And like others have said, abuse is much more than physical. Please recognize that.
I know faith is a very personal thing, so I don't mean this in any way offensively, but since you invoked your faith here, I'd encourage you to seek out Scripture that validates your picture of God's character. If God is a good father who gives his children good gifts, and if God is unchanging and consistent, then he can't also be the mad scientist who drops unsuspecting people into dangerous situations to experiment on how "strong" they are. I think you'll find much more support for the former picture than the latter. So then you'd need to ask yourself what kind of parent would "test" their children with a circumstance like this. Would you do that to your daughter? If not, then why ascribe that kind of capriciousness to God?
Again, I don't mean to overstep anything here or preach at you. But this isn't a test from the God who loves you. This is a hard situation that, if anything, he's given you the ability to escape from, and I really, genuinely hope you'll rethink your decision to wait it out.
I went through something pretty similar minus not having kids involved, but I was also scared of him and I promise you that the physical abuse escalates and he will do and say anything to make you stay or manipulate you into thinking you deserved it.
Get out. You and your child deserve better.
However, the common thread here, in all these behaviors, is that none of them allow for or explain away agressive or manipulative tendencies - if anything, Aspergers makes an individual LESS manipulative, because they are not able to interpret social cues well enough to do so successfully. Most Aspergers individuals tend to be people pleasers, if anything, because they are trying to satisfy a social structure that they don’t completely comprehend. I’m not saying he DOESN’T have Aspergers. That’s between him and his doctor and I certainly don’t have enough insight to weigh in with any legitimacy. However, his behavior towards you as you describe it absolutely cannot he explained away by this diagnosis. Please don’t hide behind that - it’s not an excuse for him and it doesn’t explain or accommodate his treatment of you.
I would know better than most, since I have Aspergers myself.
Leaving a toxic situation is kind of like quitting smoking or losing weight. You can’t force a person to do it - they have to want to do it for themselves. As the women here have said (and some of them are coming from places of dark experience), none of this is healthy and you need to realize that for yourself, especially since you have children involved. We can’t tell you what to do. But I hope you can reread your first post and recognize just how unhealthy this situation is for you and your daughter and baby.
William Alexander born 18 September, 2015
Harper Grace born 9 June, 2017
Colton Miles born 9 June, 2017
Bowen James due 19 June, 2019
My husbands ex stepfather was so great to him in the beginning. He was 8 and he ended up adopting him and my husband was so excited to finally have a dad. By the time he was 15 my husband was so sick of having his face smashed into walls he punched his “stepdad” and broke his nose. That only stoped the physical abuse.
Thankfully his mom divorced this piece of shit after a few more years (they had a child together) and remarried a man that treats her like a queen. My son has that mans namesake even though he didn’t come into DHs life until he was a grown man.
Dont be boiled alive to the point he starts hurting (physically or mentally) either of your children.
This will be the toughest and scariest thing you ever do, but don’t wait for him to “push” your child or smash their face in the wall.
https://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/domestic-violence-cycle.html
The Cycle of Domestic Violence
In 1979, psychologist Lenore Walker found that many violent relationships follow a common pattern or cycle. The entire cycle may happen in one day or it may take weeks or months. It is different for every relationship and not all relationships follow the cycle—many report a constant stage of siege with little relief.
This cycle has three parts:
This cycle continues over and over, and may help explain why victims stay in abusive relationships. The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.
Relationship #1 - I was a teenager. We dated for 3 years after I had just gone through some really hard things in my personal life and literally lost everything I ever had including all my friends. All I had left was my family. So I met this boy and we started dating and soon I clung to him like my life depended on it because I had nothing else. I had no friends and finally because of him, I had someone other than my family. Things were great for a few months but then the fighting started. He constantly accused me of cheating on him, he'd call me names, eventually he would push me and then it even came to hitting. We both did it because if he was going to do it to me I was going to do it back. I wasn't putting up with his crap. In my mind I thought as long as I pushed back, hit back whatever it may be then it meant I wasn't putting up with his crap but really I was still putting up with it and even worse I was just as bad as he was. I started going to school with huge bruises that I had to make up lies about because my classmates and (new) friends would see and ask me about them. I had joined a school club (which he hated) and anytime I went away for competition he would text and call non stop and we'd do nothing but fight because he couldn't see me to control me. Teachers and chaperones couldn't believe this is how I was spending my time but what did they know? Then one night we were leaving my aunts house. We got into his car and for whatever reason got into an argument. He ended up hitting my in the lip with his keys and busting open my lip. I had never been so embarrassed but I had to go into my aunts house and again, hurry to make up a lie to tell her. That was the ending point for me. I was terrified to leave him because we had plans. I would be graduating in a few months, we'd be moving 3 hours away and going to school, getting an apartment, etc. But lying to my aunt was not ok with me. She had become very important in my life when I went through all my personal stuff and lost all my friends.
Fast forward a few months, i'm happy and I have actual friends now. Friends I can hang out with without being accused of cheating. Friends I can make plans with because before any plans I made with friends had to be done with him. I met another guy and all was fun with him. He was super chill. But I was still broken. I thought being in a relationship meant control. I never wanted him to go out, I didn't want to be alone and we'd fight all the time because of all this. We lived together and we fought all the time. It was never as bad as my past relationship it was more of arguments than physical stuff. But it didn't make it ok. One day we got into a fight and he went for his gun. I ran downstairs to the neighbors and while I was running down the steps I heard the gun go off. We called the neighbors and apparently once the police showed up he had shot a chair. This wasn't the leaving point for me... can you believe that?! Because we had lost a baby together I felt like I was meant to be with this man, like I had to stay. I was SO wrong. Eventually I got fed up with his crap. I got fed up with him being mean and lazy. So I told him to leave.
Thankfully I had grown a lot. I knew what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship. I met my next boyfriend. Things were rougher from the get go than most relationships because I jumped into this relationship too fast but he wasn't mean and abusive. He wasn't controlling. He show me true genuine love and we've been together for almost 9 years now.
I don't necessarily believe that all people who are abusive are bad people. I believe sometimes people just aren't meant to be together. They bring out the bad in each other. I do believe that when a person is in a situation like that, like yours, there is someone better meant for them. You are going to do what you want to do regardless of what anyone says. I did. Most do. I hope that sharing a little bit of my story helps you. I hope that you can realize that you are worth so much more. Your children are worth so much more. And just because you two may not be good together doesn't mean he will be a bad dad. He may be a great dad (he may not).
Best of luck to you.
I thought my ex was nice. I thought he was just misunderstood, that he just had a hard life. I found myself defending him to anyone who dared to speak up. He had never put a hand to me. Why would he?
*TW*
When I broke up with him, he put his hands on my neck. He threatened to kill my father. He showed up to my house when I was on my first date with my husband. *end TW*
There is more, but this is my point: no one ever WANTS to think that their SO is capable of physical violence. No one here WANTS your SO to be physically agressive to you. What I and many others are trying to tell you is that even if you don’t THINK he’ll do it, you cannot rule out the possibility. And verbal/mental abuse is a precursor.
I can understand that you don’t want to break up your family. Your last comment says that you wanted to hear from other women who share your same sense of responsibility - well, here we are. Unfortunately, many of us understand the position you are in on a deep level.
None of these comments are meant to be hurtful, but they are all real, raw and honest. You can’t come to a public forum with a story like yours and expect anyone to encourage you to stay. I truly, sincerely hope the best for you, and while I admit that I don’t know you, my gut is telling me for you to get out as quickly and safely as you can. Best of luck, you’re in my thoughts.
ETA: TW
Does this relationship bring glory to God?
Is your SO the type of person that puts God first, and his family 2nd?
Are you, yourself, putting God first and his plan for you as his child?
Are you, yourself, putting God first and his plan for your unborn child?
@Asavka I didn’t respond before because your post Brought up a lot of old trauma and I didn’t think I could say anything helpful to you without being rude, but I have to say your daughter deserves better.
My mother stayed with my father through forty years of abuse, even when he eventually abused the children, even when he was too sick to hit her (he continued the emotional and financial abuse that had completely broken her down by then). The only thing that stopped it was when he died. I have almost no relationship with my mother because of this. She failed in her number one job to make sure her kids grew up feeling safe at home. She put my father first and because of that, her kids don’t love and trust her the way we should. Even if he never strikes your children, they will still learn to cower when he screams and to worry that he will hurt you. Please put your responsibility to your children before your desire to “heal” him. Also, therapy with an abuser is not recommended. It’s a classic way for them to continue to manipulate their victim while they are emotionally vulnerable. I truly hope you will be strong enough to do the right thing for your children.
I know you're scared, for a lot of reason, and leaving him won't be easy - I certainly didn't mean to imply that just picking up your stuff and getting out is an easy task. At the very least, you need to have some sort of plan in place for if/when his behavior escalates. Start looking for new places to live, contact a realtor and see what's out there. I don't know what your finances are like but make sure you have access to your own money so that if you need to get out quickly, you can. Do you have family or friends nearby you can stay with in case of an emergency? Have a solid plan in place so that you can go on autopilot if the worst happens and his abuse turns physical or his emotional abuse becomes too much. I truly hope you get out, quickly, but if you're determined to stay with him at least be prepared.
That was the question that made me leave the father of my children. He never hit me but there are so many other forms of abuse. I was isolated and constantly afraid of how he'd react to things. I knew that I didn't want my son or daughter to think anything about our relationship was normal and the only way to do that was to stop it.
I will only add, and - you do not have to go through with this pregnancy if you feel you are bringing a child into an unmanageable situation. Obviously everyone's views can differ on that issue, but it is an option. I am a divorce lawyer and see the effects of my clients having to continue to deal with abusive spouses after separation and when you have a child with someone, you are dealing with them for life, even if you break up. Good luck!