Having been through the adoption process, in the sense of watching my parents adopt when I was 17-18, I wouldn’t describe it as grueling. It’s also not typically much longer that pregnancy, especially if a family went through fertility treatments etc. basically, if conceiving + 9 months of pregnancy, together took you between 1 and 1.5 years, then it was about the same length of time as adoption.
The only people who should adopt are people who want a child that way. It’s not a favor you do the child, it’s something you do for yourself and for your family. But that being said, there’s a TON of misinformation and misunderstanding about the process. And honestly, it’s not even that much more expensive than giving birth. I’m on the hook for around $2500, and last time I had a child my insurance year started over and I had some extra risk / procedures - meaning I ended up spending 5k from conception to birth. 5k is a pretty decent estimate of what adoption might cost, depending on where you adopt from. Further, if you adopt from the US foster system, your child can get free college tuition at many state schools (talk about saving money).
So, I get that adoption isn’t for everyone. But it’s not accurate to describe the process as necessarily long and grueling. It can be. But so can getting pregnant. And so can pregnancy. You can’t say barfing every day, multiple times a day, isn’t grueling.
I have a coworker who is married and in his late 20s. He and his wife bth have many various health issues. He has stated that they don’t want to have biological children. He wants to wait a bit longer and adopt teenagers. He said that he knows they are the least likely to be adopted and he could help someone get a better start at adulthood. I honestly think it’s one of the most selfless tings I’ve heard in a while.
I would love to adopt. But my DH doesn’t know if he could love a non biological child the same and that is not a risk that I would want to take.
this is my backup acct. prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014 BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
@professormama all very good points, and your experience is more recent that my family’s, but private adoption (not foster kids) is definitely more expensive than giving birth. Pretty sure the average adoption is anywhere from $10,000-$30,000 with agency fees and attorney fees (I’m an attorney, admittedly not an adoption one.)
I'm in a similar boat as @thatbaintforbetty. I always planned that I would adopt, because of the desire to help out children who are already here and need a family. Fast forward to now, married and in my late 20s versus future plans at 16, and my husband isn't sure he could emotionally handle the adoption or fostering process.
I wish the process was easier and more widely understood. I feel strongly that more people should look into adoption or fostering. That being said, I had my son (unplanned) and that experience made me want to see what another combination of my and my husband's genes would do. My son is my world, and I truly feel that if I adopted I would feel the same way about that child. Unfortunately, financially and emotionally for my husband, it's not an option for us.
Honestly there are times I feel guilty for adding another person to the world's melting pot instead of helping one who is already here. But I digress.
All this to say I see both sides of the coin!
Edited to add: I in no way judge anyone for how they choose to create their family, or if they choose not to have kids in any manner! Just an interesting discussion I wanted to contribute to.
@catherineclaire78 private adoption is disproportionately more expensive. If you adopt publicly, and even through some international organizations, you don’t even need a lawyer. Private adoption can be great, I’m not knocking it, but it’s not representative of the adoption process more broadly.
For anyone who is interested in a sweet adoption story, I love “The Family Nobody Wanted”. Though it may be out of print now.
@catherineclaire78 and @professormama I would also wonder if it varies by jurisdiction. I worked on adoption policy for a bit in my province and the cost of private and international adoption are higher than the figures @catherineclaire78 provided (then again most things cost more up here). Public adoption is significantly cheaper, almost free, however with an increased focused on familial placement (kinship care) and culturally appropriate placement, even if someone is able to adopt an older child with complex needs, you could still be waiting awhile.
I would also add that a lot like pregnancy, adoption isn't a guaranteed success and I wish we talked about adoption failure more often as a society. Not to scare folks away from adoption, but because there is a myth that the only way adoption would fail is that if the parents don't love their child enough to stick with it and it's simply not true. I know folks who have adopted pre-teens and teens (a practice associated with a higher rate of adoption failure) and the decision to end the adoption was one of the most brutal choices I have seen someone have to make and in both instances they were consumed with grief for years.
To be clear I am not anti-adoption by a long shot (quite the opposite actually), I just think even when we talk about the costs and work of adoption we still focus on the success stories and part of providing a holistic understanding is acknowledging when it doesn't work either.
@happymoni21 true, adoption is not always successful and sometimes parents don’t feel they can keep the child. Although, knowing at least one case where that happened, I also think some people treat adoption more like child rental or as though the child is optional. Which, don’t get me started on that. But in other cases where the parents do agonize over it and love the child, I know that happens. But in reality, similar things can happen with a biological child. I actually knew someone who was afraid of her son, and genuinely thought he would end up as a mass shooter or abuser. Many other people are estranged from their children, and some children run away from home as teenagers. The reality is that having a family, whether it’s biological or adoptive, is never a guarantee. I think people just assume that biological is the “safer” option, without considering that it may not be at all. Adverse outcomes affect all different kinds of families.
@happymoni21, what @professormama says is true. brings to mind nebraska's failed child abandonment policy a few years ago. they neglected to put an age limit in the law & had parents driving from out of state to legally abandon their biological teenage children at hospitals.
I'm loving all of the adoption love here. while my husband is 100% committed to getting snipped after this pregnancy, he has stated a thousand times over that he isn't opposed to more kids. they'll just have to be adopted. he told his mom this, though, and she was super super against it. while I understand some parents' personal reservations against adopting themselves, I can't imagine why a grandparent would have such a strong opinion of it one way or another. but my husband is good about not giving a shit about what his family thinks about what we do or don't do.
I personally have given a lot (A LOT) of thought to foster care. I live in a state where there are a lot of underprivileged kids (I see them everywhere) and just feel like we've been lucky enough to have more than enough resources to share. I want to share them.
@professormama 100%. I sympathized so deeply with a colleague who had a failed adoption because the decision was made to terminate the adoption because the child begun harming their siblings. I grew up with an abusive sibling and my parents prioritized protecting him from the justice system (understandable) over keeping me and my other sibling safe. When your child is a danger to others, especially your other children, it's a beyond agonizing situation but as a survivor I feel fierce about protecting siblings, adopted or biological.
While I agree men should share the burden of BC, mandating male sterilization is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Imagine if women were required to be on a form of BC. We'd be shouting from the rooftops. Women tell lawmakers not to tell them what they can and can't do with their body, but you're suggesting they do that for men? A bit hypocritical imo That being said, SO is getting snipped and we have no qualms about it. It's much safer than getting my tubes tied and I'm not going to be on hormonal BC for 20 more years. This is baby 5 for us combined...we've done our part to overpopulate (that was a joke, just in case someone got sensitive)
The framing of adoption as something infertile couples should do instead of treatments bugs me. If you’re going to bring up adoption, bring it up in the context of all couples (thank you to the posters who did). A few PP have touched on it, but when people who can conceive easily ‘naturally’ essentially tell infertile folks “You should do it this way because I think this is the better life choice, but I’m going to do it however I want because I’m not ~using resources~” really chaps my butt. If you have a bio kid, you maybe shouldn’t share your opinion as to whether another couple deserves to make one or not. I can guarantee you that an infertile couple has at least considered adoption and may view it as on the table.
I realize I may sound harsh about this, but forcing an inconsistent morality on another person is pretty rude, especially when that couple is likely already navigating some really difficult and deeply personal issues regarding their own bodies and their expectations for their lives. Adoption is an amazing option, but it’s not a universal one.
Saying ‘I had a kid, but if I couldn’t I would do X and I think this should apply to you.’ is a crummy thing. You haven’t been there (since you have a kid), and you’re not in a position to judge what is right for them. Sorry if all this reads as a big flame, but having to deal with loss and infertility makes you pretty sensitive to people talking about the choices you make about your own family.
@lin0442 not harsh at all. My cousin ended up adopting. They took a while to be ok with the idea as it's still a big sign here that says "I can't have kids naturally" (not my opinion, but a common one here). They were on a registry while also trying other options to get pregnant. They spent quite a bit on both options. It was something she wasn't comfortable talking about, likely because people always tried to help when my cousin knew first hand that they were doing everything they could. I think people have good intentions, but a lack of understanding.
Related...she never told anyone aside of her immediate family that they were about to adopt their little girl. They were worried the mom would back out and they would face more public shame (their actual feelings). We didn't find out until she was born and in their arms. It was quite a surprise but such a happy one. Point is that people in those situations do and say what they feel is best for them and that's ok.
@lin0442 I totally agree. Not that I was offended by what anyone said about couples who do infertility treatment, but I am a tad sensitive on the subject. My DH already had 5 bio kids. I think many people would say we should adopt and not spend 25k on IVF. But I really, really wanted a bio child of my own. People can judge that however they want, but maybe just to themselves If we ever do plan to have another child, we will definitely look into adoption. I wouldn't put myself through IVF again. Just my personal preference and opinion, of course!
Re: UO 10/18
The only people who should adopt are people who want a child that way. It’s not a favor you do the child, it’s something you do for yourself and for your family. But that being said, there’s a TON of misinformation and misunderstanding about the process. And honestly, it’s not even that much more expensive than giving birth. I’m on the hook for around $2500, and last time I had a child my insurance year started over and I had some extra risk / procedures - meaning I ended up spending 5k from conception to birth. 5k is a pretty decent estimate of what adoption might cost, depending on where you adopt from. Further, if you adopt from the US foster system, your child can get free college tuition at many state schools (talk about saving money).
So, I get that adoption isn’t for everyone. But it’s not accurate to describe the process as necessarily long and grueling. It can be. But so can getting pregnant. And so can pregnancy. You can’t say barfing every day, multiple times a day, isn’t grueling.
I would love to adopt. But my DH doesn’t know if he could love a non biological child the same and that is not a risk that I would want to take.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
I wish the process was easier and more widely understood. I feel strongly that more people should look into adoption or fostering. That being said, I had my son (unplanned) and that experience made me want to see what another combination of my and my husband's genes would do. My son is my world, and I truly feel that if I adopted I would feel the same way about that child. Unfortunately, financially and emotionally for my husband, it's not an option for us.
Honestly there are times I feel guilty for adding another person to the world's melting pot instead of helping one who is already here. But I digress.
All this to say I see both sides of the coin!
Edited to add: I in no way judge anyone for how they choose to create their family, or if they choose not to have kids in any manner! Just an interesting discussion I wanted to contribute to.
For anyone who is interested in a sweet adoption story, I love “The Family Nobody Wanted”. Though it may be out of print now.
I would also add that a lot like pregnancy, adoption isn't a guaranteed success and I wish we talked about adoption failure more often as a society. Not to scare folks away from adoption, but because there is a myth that the only way adoption would fail is that if the parents don't love their child enough to stick with it and it's simply not true. I know folks who have adopted pre-teens and teens (a practice associated with a higher rate of adoption failure) and the decision to end the adoption was one of the most brutal choices I have seen someone have to make and in both instances they were consumed with grief for years.
To be clear I am not anti-adoption by a long shot (quite the opposite actually), I just think even when we talk about the costs and work of adoption we still focus on the success stories and part of providing a holistic understanding is acknowledging when it doesn't work either.
I'm loving all of the adoption love here. while my husband is 100% committed to getting snipped after this pregnancy, he has stated a thousand times over that he isn't opposed to more kids. they'll just have to be adopted. he told his mom this, though, and she was super super against it. while I understand some parents' personal reservations against adopting themselves, I can't imagine why a grandparent would have such a strong opinion of it one way or another. but my husband is good about not giving a shit about what his family thinks about what we do or don't do.
I personally have given a lot (A LOT) of thought to foster care. I live in a state where there are a lot of underprivileged kids (I see them everywhere) and just feel like we've been lucky enough to have more than enough resources to share. I want to share them.
That being said, SO is getting snipped and we have no qualms about it. It's much safer than getting my tubes tied and I'm not going to be on hormonal BC for 20 more years. This is baby 5 for us combined...we've done our part to overpopulate
DS1 is 7. DD is 1. DS2 is coming in late April.
I realize I may sound harsh about this, but forcing an inconsistent morality on another person is pretty rude, especially when that couple is likely already navigating some really difficult and deeply personal issues regarding their own bodies and their expectations for their lives. Adoption is an amazing option, but it’s not a universal one.
Saying ‘I had a kid, but if I couldn’t I would do X and I think this should apply to you.’ is a crummy thing. You haven’t been there (since you have a kid), and you’re not in a position to judge what is right for them. Sorry if all this reads as a big flame, but having to deal with loss and infertility makes you pretty sensitive to people talking about the choices you make about your own family.
Related...she never told anyone aside of her immediate family that they were about to adopt their little girl. They were worried the mom would back out and they would face more public shame (their actual feelings). We didn't find out until she was born and in their arms. It was quite a surprise but such a happy one. Point is that people in those situations do and say what they feel is best for them and that's ok.
DS1 is 7. DD is 1. DS2 is coming in late April.