Yessss to grown adults acting like college students with alcohol. I had a coworker with two elementary-aged children who would talk about getting hammered every weekend. She was totally responsible in every other way, it was just annoying to hear. Then we went on a work cruise, she tried to outdrink the doctor and they both ended up throwing up all over the dinner table that night. It was...awful.
I agree that the mom wine culture is overdone. Yes, it does feel SO NICE to relax with a drink and just be an adult after the kid is in bed. But I’m not the type to drink an entire bottle of wine or wear a cutesy shirt proclaiming my need for wine to function as a parent.
Me: 31 | DH: 31
Together since 2003 | Married 2010 TTC #1 January 2016 BFP April 18 2016 | EDD December 29, 2016 Welcome baby A! January 9, 2017
TTC#2 March 2018 BFP March 30, 2018 | EDD December 12, 2018
Re: Wine Mom culture I think it’s wrong to say that your kid is the reason you drink. Yes, being a parent is stressful and I like to have a drink to relax as much as the next person, but I drink because I want to, not because I “need” to.
I very much enjoy alcohol, but the last thing I would do is shout it to the world. I actually tend to hide it more than flaunt it because I know it can be a slippery slope and other people just don't need to know that I drank a bottle of wine on a Tuesday night. Drinking in college was 'cool' and I feel like it's that mentality that has floated into parenthood a bit. If you unwind by watching TV, exercising, talking, drinking, reading or whatever, that's great! No one needs to flaunt it or brag.
Well I might be the odd lady out on this one but when drink, I drink with a purpose. I seldom have a drink during the week, I will not have a drop if I am driving my child and I think my child has only every seen me have a glass of wine when out to a nice dinner or celebrating a special occasion, but on a night with an overnight sitter I don’t hold back! I can go high end or busch light, lol. I don’t mind hanging out with my cousins who are in college and schooling them at a game or two! I don’t mind wine night with the girls, tailgating or quick trip to Nashville to honky tonk. I don’t think I really talk about how much I can drink but generally if I am telling a funny story about myself, you should assume that I’m not sober. Because sober me is pretty type A;)
Unfortunately, there's not a lot I want to keep from the way I was raised. My mom and I had a very toxic relationship and it's taken a lot of therapy for me to forgive her/have a semi normal relationship with her.
Keep: I guess the one thing I did appreciate was her effort to keep me involved with family- lots of trips to see them a couple hours away and I love those memories, I hope to always keep my kiddo's cousin's/grandparent's in their lives no matter how awful it is traveling with 4 kids!
Not keep: All of the other stuff? lol! The main thing I am really focusing on as my oldest son reaches the age I started to really struggle with my mom is not to be too controlling/invade his privacy. My mom became more controlling of me the older I got and it really caused a lot of problems. I'm really trying to focus on trust, teaching him how to navigate life, but giving him the space to make his mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Boy is it hard!! Having older kids is so much harder than having babies, IMO! It's weird being on both ends of the spectrum right now.
@runrinserepeat I like your mention of honesty- that's big for us too because of how my parents were with me- the total opposite. It's really important we're all very honest with each other!
@Jens_Hoes I absolutely agree with the drugs/alcohol use. It's something i've planned on discussing with my kids when they get older. I guess that goes along with trust too- I always want them to be able to come to me and DH and if that involves them calling us for a ride, they'll never be in trouble for that!
Re: alcohol I agree that there are some good and bad approaches to introducing your kids to alcohol - it not being a "taboo" thing being one of them. My parents didn't drink very much so we didn't have much exposure to it. But we got to have a tiny bit of champagne on New Years' (the biggest holiday at our house) pretty much as soon as we got curious. DH's family is more of a party crowd (Ukrainian-Canadian culture) and the kids got to try some light "wine" (3%?) at weddings. And his parents let them have parties at their house when they were underage as long as they knew the kids who were coming and knew that their parents were okay with that. So I think they grew up pretty responsible. They were also told to call whatever the time if they needed a ride, and I plan to have the same approach. Or, I would make sure they always had money for a cab so they wouldn't feel like they HAD to call us if they didn't feel comfortable.
My parents (especially my mom) were incredibly strict. I needed to divulge all information about where I would be, who would be there, what we would be doing, etc. She would call constantly, and if I didn't answer fast enough, she would call so and so's parents to find out why I wasn't answering. While i appreciate the fact that she was invested and cared, and I turned into a responsible adult capable of making good decisions, I really don't want to be so strict, or helicopter parent. I hope to have open, nonjudgmental communication with my daughter, and hopefully she trusts me enough to be honest. I will teach her to trust her instincts and if something feels wrong, get out of there. I also plan to introduce alcohol casually when the issue comes up, but will not encourage binge drinking or partying, but will encourage calling us or uber anytime it's necessary without any consequences from us. Basically, take the best of my parents parenting, but loosening up a little bit on the reins.
Wow, late in catching up and now crying (?) because of some of your answers. I gave up all control of my emotions months ago....
Anyways, in reading these- especially @PensiveCrayon's mentioning of a parent's relationship with their weight, it's made me start thinking of my own habits that I'm scared will affect my future kids. I make unnecessary and negative comments about my body often without barely noticing it, but a kid will totally hear and internalize that shit. Or, as a stupid example, my husband will make remarks about French people (he's Swiss and apparently there's a weird rivalry there?) that he thinks are hilarious, but if we are being honest, are rude, racist and generalizing. It's something he does so naturally that he doesn't even realize it but I've just recently started calling him out on it. I don't want our kid subconsciously learning that it's okay to generalize and stereotype people.
I feel like there are a million ways that we could mess this kid up, and now I'm scared it's going to be not from some big memorable moment like forgetting them and leaving them alone at a restaurant (happened to my cousin...) but from some constant little habit of mine I did without even being aware.
Are any of you guys looking at yourself and your own habits with a different lens knowing that a kid is or will soon be having you as their first role model?
@deutschmama I completely understand what you are saying. I was really concerned when I was pregnant with my son, especially about my husband. He is a very very kind person, but there were comments that he made especially toward our dog, that I was worried he would continue to say in front of the baby. However, once our son came he really calmed it down a lot!
@deutschmama I'm honestly not that worried about screwing my kids up, though my husband seems to be. Maybe I am way overconfident about this... but I figure my husband and I are both well-functioning adults who are, in general, kind and loving. That is already a pretty good start! No parent will be perfect, as all of our answers have shown. Of course we'll do things that our kids will later say we shouldn't have done, because we're all just figuring this out as we go. I'm not aiming for perfection though. I just hope my kid(s) enjoy their childhood, become reasonably well adjusted and successful adults, and that we have good relationships with them.
@kadeephd I agree with that. We’re all going to mess up obviously but I don’t think that means we’re going to scar our kids for life. My parents made mistakes but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have a great childhood, I just can see now what I might do differently.
Well this is a tough one for me. There are so many things I could say I dont want to carry on so ill only expound on a few. I will do my best to never comment on my childrens weight. I was told I was fat most days and made to feel unlovable by anyone because if this. My father even went as far as to tell me I better lose weight or my husband would later come to hate and resent me for being fat. The constant reminder of how overweight and discusting I was caused me to develop eating disorders and have a skewed view of myself. I never ever want my child to feel that way. I will also do my best to let my children know that their feelings are important and valid. I was never aloud to show an emotion unless my father deemed it appropriate. Therefore when i grew up and got out, I had all these emotions and I was never taught to deal with them, only how to suppress them. Last but most important, i will always do my best to let my children know that I love them no matter what. My father's "love" is based on what you do for him, if loving you benefits him at the moment. His love has conditions. My children will now above all else that I love them, and I pray they never ever question my love for them.
Things I will carry on is definantly family dinners. Everynight our family would gather at the table for dinner and talk about the day. That was one good thing I remember from my childhood.
My parents always emphasized how important it was to spend time outside, not in front of the TV or computer. We spent tons of time riding our bikes, playing in the yard and the woods behind our house, and swimming in the lake. I run a summer camp, so my kids have pretty much spent their whole lives being a part of that. We’re lucky to live in a place where I can send my kids out to play in the yard or on their bikes without worrying. My husband, on the other hand, grew up basically spending all his free time on a computer. We’re trying hard to find a balance when it comes to screen time, because he doesn’t see anything wrong with hours and hours of video games and you tube.
I want to keep up the routine we had as kids of eating together, at home, most nights. My mom almost always cooked dinner. Eating out was a rarity, which made it a special treat when we did.
Our house when we were kids was the place all the other neighbor kids came to hang out. I love that - I want my kids’ friends to always feel welcome in our home.
Leave behind:
My parents weren’t great at communication. Often when a hard issue came up, we’d write letters to each other rather than sitting down and discussing it face to face. I don’t want that for my kids.
Alcohol - both sides of both our families have histories of alcoholism. I don’t want my kids to grow up afraid of alcohol, but I also don’t want it to be a big part of our lives. Another area I hope we can find some good balance.
As far as in laws go, my MIL is extremely over-involved in her 3 kids’ lives. To the point where it’s intrusive and a little creepy. They’re all in their 30s and there are no boundaries. She has to know everything about everything. That’s definitely something I don’t want to do with my kids.
I also want our kids to have a healthy attitude about their bodies and weight, which is something my husband’s side of the family has all struggled with. His mom especially is constantly dieting, talking about her weight, and complaining about it. I had to get after my BIL once when he told my kids that fresh fruit isn’t really good for them because it has too many carbs.
After reading some comments about body and weight it reminded me of an interaction I had with my mother a few weeks ago. I took a picture of her and DD and it was super cute and my mom looked at it and said "ugh ugly grandma" and I said 1. no you're not, and 2. don't talk like that in front of DD (obviously I said this nicer). I know we all have insecurities, but the way we talk about ourselves really does go down to our children. I want her and her sibling to grow up loving themselves not resenting out how they look.
Whew - just catching up here. This GTKY was posted when we were driving out of town, so DH talked about it but didn't post Yet.
Keeping 1. Reading for entertainment. Most of our parents (dads especially) were avid readers and always read around us, but not to us once we learned to read too. 2. No junk food in the house. Actually I want to go full on French and not use food as a treat, distraction, bargaining chip, etcetera. So until I can break myself of having food treats (ahem, root beer floats on Fridays to celebrate the weekend), we'll at least carry on the forced healthy foods that I grew up with, no soda in the house, etc. 3. Little rituals. My parents divorced when I was in grade school, and we started doing separate special things. My dad and I would get 7-11 Cappuccinos and look at nice houses, my mom would make orange rolls and we watched 1970s musicals. I want LO to have special little things with DH and I - just without the divorce of course. 4. Golden Rule. During the divorce my parents never spoke badly of each other when I was around. And as adults, my ILs who don't always get along are always nice to each other in public and not rude in private.
Leaving 1. Open talk about disordered eating. My mom openly talked about her struggles with eating disorders, and it wasn't good for teenage Echo! If my mom is 8/10 disordered, then I am 3/10. It's always in the back of my mind and I hate it. 2. Being a little too open. This is from DH, growing up his mom was a little too open about her personal life - but not to the point of DH needing to be the parent. We'll be mindful of what is appropriate for kiddo because I want him to see us an parents first, friends second (or third). 3. Hoarding tendencies. This one is me - my mom and her mother are both clutter bugs and as a result I see piles of crap as 'normal.' DH is a saint by not saying anything about the half cleaned dining room table. It's something that I am working with. We don't want LO to give things emotional value like my family does.
NTNP since Dec 2012 | TTC since Jan 2016 Dx: Unspecified IF BFP#1 Nov 2017 • Blighted Ovum + MMC • D&C at nine weeks BFP#2 Apr 2018 • It's a boy! • Born 13 Dec 2018
@echo-charlietango I fully intend to try to French method as well, but maybe a little bit more lenient since H has an intense, incurable sweet tooth. I think treats are fine as long as they are limited and consistent, and never used as a bargaining tool. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a rootbeer float every Friday to celebrate the weekend, as long as it doesn't turn into a rootbeer float to celebrate the end of every day. I liked how my mom did it when we were little. In general, we didn't have much junk food, but we were allowed specific things on specific occasions. For example, we only had soda either at parties or when we ordered pizza, and we were only allowed to have sugary cereal on Saturday mornings. We were also allowed to have things like cookies (always in moderation - we weren't allowed to eat a whole bag) as a snack once per day - usually after dinner. But sometimes, we got to bake something or get a treat just because, and I don't think that damaged us in any way. I do think a lot about teaching moderation and creating a balance between expecting kids to eat well most of the time but also allowing them to indulge in a healthy, normal way. I have a friend whose parents who were super weird about food and would do things like ration the amount of syrup they could put on their pancakes. Her and her sister both have very disordered eating and I'm convinced it's because her parents had such restrictive food practices. I'm not going to make my kid pancakes every day, or even every week (maybe once a month), but when I do, I'm going to let them use as much damn syrup as they please and they'll eventually figure out how much is enough. If you never let them make the mistake of eating too much candy, let alone ration is for them and/or never even let them have it, they'll never know the difference between too little, just enough, and too much.
I was going to say similar stuff to @hkom. I don't really ever offer sweets at home to DD, she's 15 months. But we have weekly Friday night dinners at DH's grandmother's and Sunday night dinners at my in laws. We have 4 nieces who attend both (6, 4, 2 and 2) and they are inevitably eating sweets at times. While I insist that DD eat dinner first, its IMPOSSIBLE to keep the sweets away from her, partly because I don't want to be too crazy about it, but also because she's sneaky in picking up the crumbs lol My little cousin who is 8, sneaks food because his parents do not let him have soda ever or sweets really. I want my children to grow up with a healthy relationship with food, partly because I didn't have one. Sweets are inherently bad, and when your LO (or more) grows up and has more freedom you want them to be able to manage their sweet tooth appropriately.
Same as @Jens_Hoes. My kid mostly lives off of carbs, cheese, and fruit, and I don't really make a point of offering him cookies or candy -- but he's still super young and doesn't really care (though he loves to poach off of me when I have something delicious). It is really annoying to me that MIL feels the need to treat him whenever she's here or when she stays with him, like when we were in Norway. I told her we obviously couldn't control what she did with him but we would prefer if she didn't feed him a lot of sweets. Apparently moderation meant regular visits for froyo and a cookie whenever they went to the grocery store, which she tried to get me to promise I would continue doing when we got back. Ah, nope. That kind of treat is reserved for grandparent time only.
My biggest problem is my own snacky-snacky sweet tooth, sort of like @echo-charlietango, so I've got to figure how to...get that under control. Or at least balance it somehow.
Me: 31 | DH: 31
Together since 2003 | Married 2010 TTC #1 January 2016 BFP April 18 2016 | EDD December 29, 2016 Welcome baby A! January 9, 2017
TTC#2 March 2018 BFP March 30, 2018 | EDD December 12, 2018
I guess I feel the complete opposite of this "french" method. I feel like having snacks other junk food around the house makes it seem less forbidden and less likely to overindulge. I remember going to my best friends house in high school and they had a giant cupboard full any snack you could want, (candy bars, rice Krispy treats, chips, etc). It was never a big deal to them. Their whole family was thin and very active and the choice to have a snack was there but not a temptation. Right now if I gave my son a cupcake he would eat maybe half of it and walk away, my nephew is never allowed to have sugar and he would scarf down 2 cupcakes while his mom wasn't looking.
@ebk20 I feel similarly because of my experience. We always had candy and snacks in the house. I can’t say for sure that’s why, but I have never had a huge sweet tooth and I generally don’t overindulge on sweet stuff. I can eat one or two cookies or a couple of small candies and be totally satisfied and so I don’t mind having some snacks in the house. Obviously it won’t be a free for all, but I don’t have a problem with an after dinner snack or whatever for kiddos.
@Jens_Hoes My mom makes the same comments about her weight in front of DS and I hate it. She also refuses to take photos because of it. It annoys me so much, but she won's budge.
@echo-charlietango When reading your post, I was struck by how well your parents and in-laws seem to handle coparenting. Kudos to them!
Re: Sweets We do not buy a lot of processed food, so every few weeks DS and I will bake muffins or cookies, but he is only allowed to have one after dinner and it is not an evey night thing. We did start giving him m&m's or popsicles (for #2) when we were potty training. He still gets one m&m each night for staying dry all day just because it has become part of his evening routine and he has been doing so well that I am afraid to rock the boat. He loves fruits, veggies, and nuts, and will take a few bites of whatever protein we have for dinner, so I do not stress too much when he eats sweets.
@PensiveCrayon@echo-charlietango@katy0990@Jens_Hoes@rosebud332@hkom@ebk20 You are all right. Food stuff, relationships with food, and body image are all really tough subjects. I am of a similar opinion as @ebk20 and @rosebud332. Growing up, my parents didn't have snacks in the house and while other kids at school had cookies or chips for snack, I was the odd one out with my baby carrots or cucumbers. This definitely affected my relationship with food. Whenever I could, I would basically binge on junk food. On the other hand my best friend whose pantry was fully stocked with snacks, never saw the need to overindulge. I want a balance to promote healthy eating habits, but don't want snacks or sweets to be forbidden. Ugh, so much to think about.
Also, my mom was constantly dieting and criticizing herself, and while no one ever made comments about my body or weight, I definitely internalized it. I've definitely gotten better over the years, and was on the path to really loving myself and my body despite its imperfections before getting pregnant, but pregnancy is messing a lot with my body image! Unfortunately, SO is not great about it and makes negative comments frequently about others' bodies (weight and physical appearance in general). I don't exactly know how to bring it up with him, but I want to have a discussion with him about it. I don't want our daughter growing up feeling that her worth (or anyone's, for that matter) depends on weight or attractiveness.
Re: GTKY: Your Parents
I agree that the mom wine culture is overdone. Yes, it does feel SO NICE to relax with a drink and just be an adult after the kid is in bed. But I’m not the type to drink an entire bottle of wine or wear a cutesy shirt proclaiming my need for wine to function as a parent.
TTC #1 January 2016
BFP April 18 2016 | EDD December 29, 2016
Welcome baby A! January 9, 2017
TTC#2 March 2018
BFP March 30, 2018 | EDD December 12, 2018
Drinking in college was 'cool' and I feel like it's that mentality that has floated into parenthood a bit. If you unwind by watching TV, exercising, talking, drinking, reading or whatever, that's great! No one needs to flaunt it or brag.
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
Keep: I guess the one thing I did appreciate was her effort to keep me involved with family- lots of trips to see them a couple hours away and I love those memories, I hope to always keep my kiddo's cousin's/grandparent's in their lives no matter how awful it is traveling with 4 kids!
Not keep: All of the other stuff? lol! The main thing I am really focusing on as my oldest son reaches the age I started to really struggle with my mom is not to be too controlling/invade his privacy. My mom became more controlling of me the older I got and it really caused a lot of problems. I'm really trying to focus on trust, teaching him how to navigate life, but giving him the space to make his mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Boy is it hard!! Having older kids is so much harder than having babies, IMO! It's weird being on both ends of the spectrum right now.
@runrinserepeat I like your mention of honesty- that's big for us too because of how my parents were with me- the total opposite. It's really important we're all very honest with each other!
@Jens_Hoes I absolutely agree with the drugs/alcohol use. It's something i've planned on discussing with my kids when they get older. I guess that goes along with trust too- I always want them to be able to come to me and DH and if that involves them calling us for a ride, they'll never be in trouble for that!
I agree that there are some good and bad approaches to introducing your kids to alcohol - it not being a "taboo" thing being one of them. My parents didn't drink very much so we didn't have much exposure to it. But we got to have a tiny bit of champagne on New Years' (the biggest holiday at our house) pretty much as soon as we got curious.
DH's family is more of a party crowd (Ukrainian-Canadian culture) and the kids got to try some light "wine" (3%?) at weddings. And his parents let them have parties at their house when they were underage as long as they knew the kids who were coming and knew that their parents were okay with that. So I think they grew up pretty responsible. They were also told to call whatever the time if they needed a ride, and I plan to have the same approach. Or, I would make sure they always had money for a cab so they wouldn't feel like they HAD to call us if they didn't feel comfortable.
My parents (especially my mom) were incredibly strict. I needed to divulge all information about where I would be, who would be there, what we would be doing, etc. She would call constantly, and if I didn't answer fast enough, she would call so and so's parents to find out why I wasn't answering. While i appreciate the fact that she was invested and cared, and I turned into a responsible adult capable of making good decisions, I really don't want to be so strict, or helicopter parent. I hope to have open, nonjudgmental communication with my daughter, and hopefully she trusts me enough to be honest. I will teach her to trust her instincts and if something feels wrong, get out of there. I also plan to introduce alcohol casually when the issue comes up, but will not encourage binge drinking or partying, but will encourage calling us or uber anytime it's necessary without any consequences from us. Basically, take the best of my parents parenting, but loosening up a little bit on the reins.
Anyways, in reading these- especially @PensiveCrayon's mentioning of a parent's relationship with their weight, it's made me start thinking of my own habits that I'm scared will affect my future kids. I make unnecessary and negative comments about my body often without barely noticing it, but a kid will totally hear and internalize that shit. Or, as a stupid example, my husband will make remarks about French people (he's Swiss and apparently there's a weird rivalry there?) that he thinks are hilarious, but if we are being honest, are rude, racist and generalizing. It's something he does so naturally that he doesn't even realize it but I've just recently started calling him out on it. I don't want our kid subconsciously learning that it's okay to generalize and stereotype people.
I feel like there are a million ways that we could mess this kid up, and now I'm scared it's going to be not from some big memorable moment like forgetting them and leaving them alone at a restaurant (happened to my cousin...) but from some constant little habit of mine I did without even being aware.
Are any of you guys looking at yourself and your own habits with a different lens knowing that a kid is or will soon be having you as their first role model?
Also, go European views on alcohol!
I will do my best to never comment on my childrens weight. I was told I was fat most days and made to feel unlovable by anyone because if this. My father even went as far as to tell me I better lose weight or my husband would later come to hate and resent me for being fat. The constant reminder of how overweight and discusting I was caused me to develop eating disorders and have a skewed view of myself. I never ever want my child to feel that way. I will also do my best to let my children know that their feelings are important and valid. I was never aloud to show an emotion unless my father deemed it appropriate. Therefore when i grew up and got out, I had all these emotions and I was never taught to deal with them, only how to suppress them. Last but most important, i will always do my best to let my children know that I love them no matter what. My father's "love" is based on what you do for him, if loving you benefits him at the moment. His love has conditions. My children will now above all else that I love them, and I pray they never ever question my love for them.
Things I will carry on is definantly family dinners. Everynight our family would gather at the table for dinner and talk about the day. That was one good thing I remember from my childhood.
My parents always emphasized how important it was to spend time outside, not in front of the TV or computer. We spent tons of time riding our bikes, playing in the yard and the woods behind our house, and swimming in the lake. I run a summer camp, so my kids have pretty much spent their whole lives being a part of that. We’re lucky to live in a place where I can send my kids out to play in the yard or on their bikes without worrying. My husband, on the other hand, grew up basically spending all his free time on a computer. We’re trying hard to find a balance when it comes to screen time, because he doesn’t see anything wrong with hours and hours of video games and you tube.
I want to keep up the routine we had as kids of eating together, at home, most nights. My mom almost always cooked dinner. Eating out was a rarity, which made it a special treat when we did.
Our house when we were kids was the place all the other neighbor kids came to hang out. I love that - I want my kids’ friends to always feel welcome in our home.
Leave behind:
My parents weren’t great at communication. Often when a hard issue came up, we’d write letters to each other rather than sitting down and discussing it face to face. I don’t want that for my kids.
Alcohol - both sides of both our families have histories of alcoholism. I don’t want my kids to grow up afraid of alcohol, but I also don’t want it to be a big part of our lives. Another area I hope we can find some good balance.
As far as in laws go, my MIL is extremely over-involved in her 3 kids’ lives. To the point where it’s intrusive and a little creepy. They’re all in their 30s and there are no boundaries. She has to know everything about everything. That’s definitely something I don’t want to do with my kids.
I also want our kids to have a healthy attitude about their bodies and weight, which is something my husband’s side of the family has all struggled with. His mom especially is constantly dieting, talking about her weight, and complaining about it. I had to get after my BIL once when he told my kids that fresh fruit isn’t really good for them because it has too many carbs.
Keeping
1. Reading for entertainment. Most of our parents (dads especially) were avid readers and always read around us, but not to us once we learned to read too.
2. No junk food in the house. Actually I want to go full on French and not use food as a treat, distraction, bargaining chip, etcetera. So until I can break myself of having food treats (ahem, root beer floats on Fridays to celebrate the weekend), we'll at least carry on the forced healthy foods that I grew up with, no soda in the house, etc.
3. Little rituals. My parents divorced when I was in grade school, and we started doing separate special things. My dad and I would get 7-11 Cappuccinos and look at nice houses, my mom would make orange rolls and we watched 1970s musicals. I want LO to have special little things with DH and I - just without the divorce of course.
4. Golden Rule. During the divorce my parents never spoke badly of each other when I was around. And as adults, my ILs who don't always get along are always nice to each other in public and not rude in private.
Leaving
1. Open talk about disordered eating. My mom openly talked about her struggles with eating disorders, and it wasn't good for teenage Echo! If my mom is 8/10 disordered, then I am 3/10. It's always in the back of my mind and I hate it.
2. Being a little too open. This is from DH, growing up his mom was a little too open about her personal life - but not to the point of DH needing to be the parent. We'll be mindful of what is appropriate for kiddo because I want him to see us an parents first, friends second (or third).
3. Hoarding tendencies. This one is me - my mom and her mother are both clutter bugs and as a result I see piles of crap as 'normal.' DH is a saint by not saying anything about the half cleaned dining room table. It's something that I am working with. We don't want LO to give things emotional value like my family does.
Dx: Unspecified IF
BFP#1 Nov 2017 • Blighted Ovum + MMC • D&C at nine weeks
BFP#2 Apr 2018 • It's a boy! • Born 13 Dec 2018
Anyway, I'm rambling. Food stuff is hard.
My little cousin who is 8, sneaks food because his parents do not let him have soda ever or sweets really. I want my children to grow up with a healthy relationship with food, partly because I didn't have one. Sweets are inherently bad, and when your LO (or more) grows up and has more freedom you want them to be able to manage their sweet tooth appropriately.
My biggest problem is my own snacky-snacky sweet tooth, sort of like @echo-charlietango, so I've got to figure how to...get that under control. Or at least balance it somehow.
TTC #1 January 2016
BFP April 18 2016 | EDD December 29, 2016
Welcome baby A! January 9, 2017
TTC#2 March 2018
BFP March 30, 2018 | EDD December 12, 2018
@echo-charlietango When reading your post, I was struck by how well your parents and in-laws seem to handle coparenting. Kudos to them!
Re: Sweets We do not buy a lot of processed food, so every few weeks DS and I will bake muffins or cookies, but he is only allowed to have one after dinner and it is not an evey night thing. We did start giving him m&m's or popsicles (for #2) when we were potty training. He still gets one m&m each night for staying dry all day just because it has become part of his evening routine and he has been doing so well that I am afraid to rock the boat. He loves fruits, veggies, and nuts, and will take a few bites of whatever protein we have for dinner, so I do not stress too much when he eats sweets.
Also, my mom was constantly dieting and criticizing herself, and while no one ever made comments about my body or weight, I definitely internalized it. I've definitely gotten better over the years, and was on the path to really loving myself and my body despite its imperfections before getting pregnant, but pregnancy is messing a lot with my body image! Unfortunately, SO is not great about it and makes negative comments frequently about others' bodies (weight and physical appearance in general). I don't exactly know how to bring it up with him, but I want to have a discussion with him about it. I don't want our daughter growing up feeling that her worth (or anyone's, for that matter) depends on weight or attractiveness.