GTKY: Your Parents

Jens_Hoes

What is something from one or both of your parents/grandparents/caregivers that you would like to either never do or carry on with your parenting?

PensiveCrayon

What I don't want to do: co-sleep full time. Not knocking anyone who chooses to do this! I definitely co-slept when my son was younger because side-lying nursing is the bomb when you're super duper sleep deprived, and even last night I chose to share the bed with him because it was preferable to comforting him when he woke up every.single.hour. Sigh. 

That said, I sleep so much better when I don't have a baby to worry about smishing/a toddler who kicks me in the belly and crowds me off the bed.

Carry on: homemade pizza nights!

ab_canada

Great GTKY!

Never do: Hard for me to come up with something because I'm biased, but one thing is probably not taking my kids where they want to go. In Ukraine, barely anyone drove, so you could get around easily. As a result, when we moved to Canada, my dad was the only one who could drive (and he doesn't enjoy it), so we couldn't go places as often as we wanted. That included going to friends' houses and just activities in general. I will do my best to make sure my kids don't miss out on things just because I don't feel like driving somewhere.

Carry on: My parents were pretty chill and let us do whatever activities we wanted (not like we got in with a bad crowd with any of them!). The only thing my mom really said was "no rugby" LOL. 

erose625

I really can't think of something they did that I'd never do, although I'm sure there is something. My mom was a SAHM until I was about 10 and financially that's not possible for us so while we won't be doing that, I would have considered it if it was an option. 

There are so many things I want to carry on though! My parents always made sure we were very family oriented. Even when we lived in a different state, we came "home" to visit our extended families once a month. My cousins are my best friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. We all now live in the same state again, and H's family does too for the most part, so that will definitely carry on. 

binxybaby

Ooh...this is a good GTKY. Really makes you think. I'm going to include my in-laws in this as well.

Never do: My parents expected us to entertain ourselves, which is absolutely reasonable, but I feel like part of a parent's job is to explore/expose your child to new things and I didn't really get much of that. I want to take my kids places, do activities together, try something we've both never done together. I feel like that would help them develop interests and pursue them. I don't really have a never do for my in-laws. They were pretty damn good parents (based on my hubby).

Carry on: I would love to travel with my kids like my parents did, but different financial situations. I also appreciate how much my dad stressed the importance of family. I also appreciated their open views on alcohol (European). Alcohol was present at our house and wasn't considered this big, terrible no-no so I ended up experimenting with alcohol much later than peers. As for my in-laws, there are a number of things. They taught my husband the value of hard work. Nothing was off limits to my husband so he developed a wide range of interests and was given the opportunity to try and fail at so many things. I feel like so many parents say "you can be whatever you want to be," but don't necessarily give their child the resources to go after their dreams. Obviously money is a factor, but do what you can. Oh, and my husband and his dad also designed and built a treehouse together one summer, which our son will absolutely do with his father. 

temmetime

This is a great GTKY idea!

Carry on:
-Honesty. DH's family isn't very open and honest with each other. My family is very honest & communicative so I feel like I have much deeper relationships than there are in his family. 
-take simple family vacations. It was so fun to go to World's of Fun or camping/fishing trips. I don't have the desire to take my kids on expensive trips that require us to all fly somewhere. No dig at all the Disney folks, but it's just not for us. It's who you're with that makes the memory to me, not where we are.
-be accepting. I dated someone twice my age when I was 19/20 & kept it a secret for a long time. My parents were SO accepting and open because at the end of the day they didn't want to become distant with me. This is just one example of how they were so open to how we all 4 kids wanted to live our lives.
-no co-sleeping is a good one for me too @PensiveCrayon! I don't shame others for what they do, but it has worked wonderfully to have DS in his crib from night one. It helps our relationship, sex life & sleep a lot. If I ever got to sleep in my parents bed it was if dad was gone on a truck trip & I had to beg mom so it was a very special occasion.

Never do: Honestly the only thing I can really think of is that my mom doesn't love to cook, so we had a lot of hamburger helper, lunchables & frozen pizza type of meals. I've struggled with my weight since the 3rd grade & want to educate and encourage healthy whole foods & cooking from the beginning with our kids. 

Aaaand now I am tearing up at my desk because I am so blessed to have the parents I do. I love them so much. I'm going to go hug them later.

morgantu

Oh man, so many good answers here. 
Definitely do: 
Have family dinners. We had dinner together every night until we all got to crazy with activities. But there was still a dinner and dinner time for those that were home to have together. 
Go on vacation. My parents were pretty frugal growing up, but we always went on vacation and that was a time to have fun and not worry too much about money. It's one of my favorite things about my dad, he LOVES vacation and always has a great time. 
Be consistent. my parents we VERY consistent with us. They always presented a united front and there was never any kind of "if mom says no I'll go ask dad". They didn't argue in front of us and their decision making was based on reason and they could explain it. 
Be open. They are extremely open minded and never judgmental of anyone my siblings or I dated or were friends with (unless they were legitimately concerned about the person's behavior). Full open to all races/ethnicities/religions/genders. It was great to know that was one thing I never had to worry about. 

Never do: 
Focus on weight and body. Both of my parents would, and still do, often make comments about what we were eating or what they thought we should or shouldn't be eating. To an extent, of course this is a parent's job, but all of my siblings and I have some body image/disordered eating habits that stem from pressure from our parents. I want my kids to grow up knowing that their body is fine however it looks, and the focus is on their healthful behaviors, not what size or shape they are. 

hoosiermama-2

My biggest things are very similar to @temmetime's! Save for one -

I want my kids to learn Spanish more directly than I did. My mom didn't teach us. I only picked it up from grandma because she didn't speak English—and now I never speak it and can't understand as much as I used to. I do have to regularly remind my mom to talk to DD in Spanish, and even then it's more Spanglishy. Ugh. 

Openness. My family hardly talks about annyyythhinnng and when I try to talk to my mom about stuff she gets butt-hurt and/or defensive. We have a weird dynamic and I don't want that with my kids at all. 

Food education/eating well. My mom worked allllll the time when I was younger and we ate so much crap. I've always struggled with my weight and body image. 

Carry on - I want them to know hard work and determination and perseverance and all those things. My kids already have it 10x "better" than I did, for which I'm so grateful, but I also had to work my ass off when I was younger to help get me here. I don't want them to be brats. 

hkom

Avoid:
-Arguing in front of the kids.  H and I are not fighters so I'm not too worried about this, but obviously kids can add so much stress to a relationship.  My parents divorced when I was in pre-school, and they are fine and friends now, but they were not good about not arguing in front of my brother and I when we were little.  Kids hang onto memories like that (or at least I have) so I'm very adamant about parents being super vigilant about this.

Carry On: 
-Co-sleeping.  Yes, I know I'm a FTM so I don't know anything, but I want to avoid co-sleeping as much as I possibly can.  We were expected to sleep in our beds and we did.  If we had a bad dream, we would softly knock on the door and mom would come tuck us back in.  H and I are not cuddly sleepers and we don't even let the dog or cats sleep in our bed, so the thought of having a pushy toddler in bed with us makes me want to rip out my hair.

Combo:
-Food.  H's and my families are polar opposites about food.  My family has always had an excellent attitude around food.  My parents cooked things from scratch, encouraged the kids to help in the kitchen and taught us how to use/do everything, and served us a really wide variety of food from very early on.  As a result of this my brother are hardly picky at all, very adventurous eaters, and have been pretty much completely self-sufficient in the kitchen since we were in our early teens.  

H's family is horrible about food.  Both of his parents are terrible cooks.  They basically ate the same maaaybe 10 meals his entire childhood.  Most of which was either pre-made freezer food (totally fine sometimes, but not every meal) or consisted of things like microwaved chicken breasts with no seasoning (I'm not kidding) or corn on the cob (literally just corn on the cob and that's it. I'm still trying to convince H that is not a normal meal).  H can be a little bit picky about some things but he's a good eater and will try almost anything and he can cook a meal from scratch.  His siblings are impossible.  They are either super picky or have no ability to fend for themselves even though they are all 30+.

I certainly don't want my kids to be food snobs.  My brother is, and it drives me crazy.  But H's mom probably wouldn't even eat food if she didn't have to in order to survive.  There needs to be a happy medium between enjoying high-quality food but also appreciating simple "low-brow" food as well.   I like an expensive grass-fed steak, but I also love the fried chicken from the gas station down the street.

rosebud332

I love this thread!

Leave It: I don’t have a ton of these. I’d like our family to be more open emotionally. My dad especially has always been hard to talk to about feelings and such. I’m sure it was his upbringing because his dad was super German and I’m sure they didn’t talk about that stuff. My mom was much better but I just hope DH can talk to our daughters about their stuff. 
No vacations. We never took vacations. I can count maybe on one hand the number we went on when I was a kid. Even if it’s nothing huge, I’d like to do something at least every couple of years.

Take It:
Definitely family dinner. We had a home cooked meal every single night. 
Me and DH being a team. My parents were always on the same side when it came to the kids. They also apparently had some pretty serious marital problems at one point and we were totally oblivious, so they were good at not letting their issues seep into our family life.
Teaching my kids to be grateful. We didn’t have a ton but we were grateful for what we had. I don’t recall ever really feeling entitled to “stuff.”
Open-mindedness. I lived in a town that was maybe not so great at not being racist. I had a LOT of friends whose parents told them straight up not to bring home anyone other than a white person. My parents made it clear they couldn’t care less as long as the person was decent. I mean, not being a racist a-hole is pretty much the least I can do, but I just want to teach my kids to be accepting of everyone.

Jens_Hoes

@hkom while I tend to think just wait until baby is born to decide some things about parenting - we made the decision to never bedshare prior to baby being born because it is safest.  There were sleepless nights because baby didn't want to sleep in her crib when she was teething/sick/just because, but we didn't give in because safety was what was the driving force.  I believe the AAP stance on bedsharing being dangerous goes away at 2 years old, I don't think it is crazy to say as a FTM that you won't do it.  I also don't think your child(ren) will miss out on anything by not sharing a bed with you.  

PensiveCrayon

Additional thoughts:

Yes to family dinners! We rarely went out to eat while I was growing up.

Yes to being open about finances! This one is taken from H's upbringing. In my own family we never really talked about money, so I had no idea what was going on with my parent's finances and that actually gave me anxiety as a kid. They also promised us allowance but never paid it out. H's family, on the other hand, has always been very open about money, and I appreciate that. I'd like to give our children a solid understanding of budgeting, tithing, investing, and using credit cards wisely before I send them out into the world.

No to weight stuff! I never had any pressure to be a certain weight growing up, but my mom constantly criticized her own weight and was always on diets, so I absorbed the bad body image messages by proxy. I remember thinking I was too fat in elementary school. Ideally, I'll make exercise a fun, normal activity for the family (as opposed to something we just never do) and cook healthy meals but not worry about the occasional indulgence. Ideally!

hkom

@Jens_Hoes Thanks for the reassurance!  That's pretty much the only big thing I'm a huge stickler on.  Definitely first for the safety, but I also just do not want to create/encourage that monster.  I'm crossing all of my fingers and toes that our kids will inherit H and I's shared don't-touch-me-too-much mentality  

kadeephd

So many good comments!

Food: Like your inlaws, @hkom, my parents made the same few meals a lot growing up.  We did usually eat as a family, which I plan to continue.  However, we ALWAYS had cabinets full of junk food.  I want to have healthier options available and we will definitely cook a bigger variety of healthier meals.  On the other hand, I think it was good that my parents didn't make anything totally off limits.  I had friends who would come over and eat all the junk food they couldn't get at home until they got sick.  I had to cut myself off of junk food once I was on my own though, and it was hard.  It led to a period of very obsessive eating on my part too.  I think it's about finding a balance.  My husband's family seems to have done it really well, so hopefully we can follow their lead on food.

Cosleepling: My parents didn't do it and I won't either.  There is barely room in the bed as it it and the idea makes me nervous.

Activities: I think my parents struck a good balance here.  They let us try things out, but didn't force us to do things.  They also were willing to provide some rides, but we were not at their beck and call.  I do not want my life to revolve around my kid's schedule.  Sometimes that means saying no.

hkom

Another thing I thought of.  We will absolutely not push our kids to go to college.  Baby boomers (our parents) have a super f*cked up attitude toward college for some reason.  There is this weird combination of "Be whatever you want to be!  Do what you love and the money will come!" but also "You must go to college and become a professional."  Both my husband and I can tell you that those philosophies are bogus.  I went to school in a field that I love, but am incredibly lucky in that it tied into what my dad had already created a business to do, so I had pretty much a guaranteed job.  If I didn't have my dad, I would be screwed.  I might have ended up with another job in my field, but I would be making next to nothing.   It turns out that a lot of desirable jobs are very limited in number and don't pay much, because they are so desirable.  For example, everyone sees wildlife biologists on TV studying / playing with bear cubs or penguins or elephants, but no one ever tells them that there are a huge number of people who train for and want these types of jobs, so they are going to end up fighting hundreds of applicants, many of whom are willing to do the job for less pay.  We are still trying to get this concept through H's dad's head.

Along the same lines, sooo many people are pushed into college who just have no business being there.  H's brother has wasted an enormous amount of his money and time pursuing a useless college degree that he honestly has no business having.  He's currently a dispatcher for a concrete company and makes more money than he ever would have with his degree.  The rest of his 4 siblings, including H, are in professional fields (lawyers, OT, science) and I think he struggles with feeling inferior and he shouldn't.  He has a good, stable job.  Unlike H who is getting his PhD but very likely won't find a job in his field (besides a post-doc that would require pick up and move our lives to a temporary, probably crappy location for shitty pay).  H very likely may end up in a trade job, and there's nothing wrong with that.  Having a blue-collar job is a perfectly honorable way to live your life.

Sorry for the book.  This is a very passionate topic of discussion for H and me.

kadeephd

@hkom I agree about not pressuring your kids to go to college if they have a good alternative plan, but I also want my kids to keep their doors open.  If they fail math in 9th grade and tell me it doesn't matter because they aren't going to college, that is not going to fly.  If I can't find a job after I finish my PhD, my views on higher ed may well sour though

temmetime

@hkom just wanted to give you more reassurance that you can have an opinion on it before having a kid! DH and I also decided firmly before having DS that we were not going to bed share. I recall another family member adding a "oh, you just wait" type of comment which fueled my fire to stick to my guns. We did it and are so thankful that we kept DS in his own space. He inherited my dislike of too much touchy, so that helps too  
It was so hard at times to get up and walk down the hall for what felt like the 20th time in the night, but eventually it really paid off as he started sleeping through the night and was adjusted to his bed time. 

morgantu

@hkom -yes!!!! Not everyone is made for college. My brother shouldn't have gone right after high school and he did because that's what was "expected" and he never did well, liked it, or finished his degree. Now he has student loans and nothing (other than experience) to show for it. 

hkom

@kadeephd Yes on the activities!  My brother and I were not allowed to play more than one sport per season.  Our parents wanted both us and themselves to have free time.  Granted, after grade school we lost interest in soccer and basketball and just stuck to what we were truly good at, which was volleyball and baseball.  But our parents never pushed us.  My mom was always super vigilant about making sure we understood that we could stop whenever we didn't enjoy it anymore.  For my brother, that was the end of high school.  For me, I went though college (FWIW I largely hated my college volleyball experience but I stuck it out because hey, free college!)  

H is an athletic enough guy, but doesn't really enjoy organized sports.  His dad tried to push and push him to play a sport in high school, but H was perfectly content being bookish and helping to clean after school to earn money off his tuition.  He still gets pissed when he talked about how much his dad harped on him about sports.  We will never do that to our kids.

Jens_Hoes

Things I won't continue: My father sucks.  He is/was emotionally distant, and totally oblivious as to what it takes to be a parent.  I will continue nothing of his. 
Traditional roles: My in laws are very traditional in that my MIL does all the cooking and cleaning and my FIL does none.  This has trickled down to my DH, which causes some fights.  All of our children will do all the work at home including cooking and cleaning, and picking up after themselves. 
My mother was a single parent and often worked a lot and late.  We often fended for ourselves and cooked very little.  I want to cook with my children.

Things I will continue: Drinking & drug use underage: While my mother always told us not to drink or do drugs, there was always an agreement that if we found ourselves in an unsafe situation (driver was drunk, we were drunk, etc) to call for a ride no questions asked.  While we inevitably had consequences, we always knew it was better to be safe. 
Being involved & present in activities: My mother did her best to juggle all of our after school activities and attend all the gymnastics meets and cheerleading competitions that we had.  She taped 98% of all of it, so we have video memories of all of it.  While she might have been annoying, I knew that she was always there cheering me on. 
Value of hard work: My mother worked her ass off to provide for my sister and I.  And I think partly because of that, I realize that nothing in this life is easy.  I know if I want something, I need to work for it.

katy0990

@hkom I completely agree with you 100% about college.  My husband chose not to go to college and has a wonderful job, great job security, and makes enough to support our family and save for retirement. I went to college and went on to get my Master’s degree. I currently owe $80,000 in Student loans and I am staying home for the next couple of years not bringing in any income. College is not always the best option. Especially now, when it is so expensive.

Things we will continue: 
-We eat as a family most nights
-The television is not constantly on
-We expect DS (and any other children) to eat what is served and do not make different meals for different people

Things we won’t continue:
-Cutting ties with family
-Manipulating the children and bringing them into marital or extended family drama
-Expecting perfection all of the time
This list could get really long, but I’ll stop there.

runrinserepeat

I'm not in a great place to answer this, faced with the prospect of losing my mom soon. So basically, everything she's ever done has been perfect

Honestly, though, there's not really anything I'd do differently. Sure, they weren't perfect. They're people, though, and they did their best. We're all super close now, and really they raised 5 children to be successful, functioning adults, all of whom hold good jobs, have steady relationships, and are pretty healthy. At the end of the day, that's the goal, right? 

katy0990

@runrinserepeat Thinking if you. I have wondered how your mom is doing, but I haven’t wanted to pry. I hope you find comfort in the time you have with her. *hugs*

runrinserepeat

@katy0990 she's doing well. Better than we expected. Her prognosis is still not good, and nobody, not even her doctors, can tell us what to expect. But every good day is a blessing. 

texas_t

Different: When it's time for my kids to go to college, I'm going to hold their hand through the process.  My parents didn't go to college, so it was a case of blind leading the blind.  I ended up in a random major at a school that wasn't too difficult to get into even though I was in the top 12% of my high school.  I should have put a bigger priority on it all, but didn't know wth I was doing and neither did they.  I have zero hard feelings and completely understand the breakdown; but I also know that it's a huge transitional time and my husband and I know better, so we'll do better.

Same: Celebrate the heck out of Christmas.  They always went overboard and made it so magical.  I love doing it for my son and will continue doing it for both my boys.  I'm really excited about this Christmas, even though Owen will only be a month old, lol!

hkom

@texas_t I am SO excited to have a baby for Christmas, even though he'll still be a little potato  

temmetime

@Jens_Hoes I agree 10000% the drinking/drug use underage concept. My mother did this & I did end up calling her very drunk a few times (oops) for her to come get me. She always reiterated that she'd be more upset if I drive drunk than if I drink underage (without condoning it)
My in laws sound a lot like yours as well - MIL does all of the housework. I don't think FIL has changed more than a handful of diapers in his life. Fortunately, DH lived on his own for many years prior to us meeting, so he didn't go from his mother taking care of every little thing to expecting me to do so. BIL is that way and it just drives me nuts to even watch.

PensiveCrayon

@texas_t Yes yes yes. Both of my parents went to and met at our hometown college and it was always just assumed that I’d go there too. I applied to one other place sort of because I figured why not? But when I showed serious interest in going to the alternate place, I was discouraged by everyone around me. If I had it to do over again I would research the heck out of majors and apply to at least 9 schools. I think I was also overwhelmed by the application process and no one was holding my hand. Which is what I needed. 

All that said, I will admit that going to my hometown college made the long-distance relationship with H a lot easier, because he would always come home for vacation and I would be there no matter what. He’s always been a huge supporter of my writing, and essentially pushed me through the application process for my MFA. Which is THE greatest schooling decision I made. I’m happy with where I am today, so #noragerts. Well, some. But nothing serious.

ab_canada

@texas_t @hkom +1 for having a little "potato" at Christmas There is something so cozy about that time of year.

westcoastfoodie

Oooooohweee this can get deep lol. My mom is my best friend, which is a blessing and a curse. 

Something I want to do that my mom wasn't very good at... setting boundaries. I was a TERRIBLE teenager and got away with way too much. I definitely needed more structure.  DH's dad ruled with an iron fist so this should be interesting. I think he'll end up being more lenient than I'll be. Something I want to do like my mom... I hope I'm as nurturing as her. She has an air about her that just screams "mom". 

Something I will never do that my dad did... comment on my children's weight. I had an eating disorder as a teenager and comments from him helped fuel it. He knows now how detrimental it was to me, but things got rough. Overall though, I want to do a lot like my dad. He's an amazing father and I've always known he's there when I need him. I hope I'm able to instill that sense of emotional, physical and financial security in my children. 

hannelorre

Amazing answers! 

Keep: 
- my mother is an excellent cook and always showed her love through food. I want to make sure we have a family dinner routine and home cooked meals. 
- focus on learning - my parents pushed us to be good students but pushed us more to be independent learners and to be interested in different topics rather than "you have to go to xx school." Which I think is more helpful. I love reading and really hope our kids will too. 
- family vacations!! 

Avoid:
- we are pretty bad communicators when it comes to emotions. They've actually gotten much better over the years and our relationship is really good but it's still not the easiest thing for us. Hopefully we can avoid that.
- we dont have a lot of family traditions so MH and I hope to develop those. 

westcoastfoodie

Oh! Also, we rarely had family dinners, but that is something I'd like to do. 

The topic of alcohol got me thinking. I have no idea how to approach it when the time comes. I feel like my family in general almost sensationalizes alcohol. My dad's family used to own a brewery so I grew up with people saying we have beer in our blood. I actually don't even like beer. My parent's tend to have a glass of wine, beer or a cocktail every night, but they don't get drunk. BUT it seemed like alcohol was always a big thing in our house. As a teenager they both did the whole thing where if any of us kids got in a bind and needed a ride, to just call them. I did a few times, but more often than not, I didn't because I was usually with people or doing other things that weren't good. I guess it was just too much of a big deal in our house. Too accepted? When I started dating DH, I drank a lot, mostly because I was young and went out a lot, but also generally just drank at meals. DH doesn't really drink often. He doesn't love the taste really and he's a big guy so it takes a lot for him to get a buzz. I thought it was SO weird that he doesn't drink. To this day, my parents still point out "Oh I know he doesn't DRINK, but...". Anyhow, I'm rambling. I think my point is, I don't want to sensationalize alcohol. I still like a glass of wine here and there, but I don't want my kids thinking that they need to be drinkers to fit in, especially with family. 

Jens_Hoes

temmetime said:

@Jens_Hoes I agree 10000% the drinking/drug use underage concept. My mother did this & I did end up calling her very drunk a few times (oops) for her to come get me. She always reiterated that she'd be more upset if I drive drunk than if I drink underage (without condoning it)
My in laws sound a lot like yours as well - MIL does all of the housework. I don't think FIL has changed more than a handful of diapers in his life. Fortunately, DH lived on his own for many years prior to us meeting, so he didn't go from his mother taking care of every little thing to expecting me to do so. BIL is that way and it just drives me nuts to even watch.

I'll one up you... my FIL has NEVER changed a diaper. Even with 3 children and 5 grandchildren 

kadeephd

On the subject of alcohol -- my mom was very anti-alcohol while we were growing up, in part because my dad had social drinking issues that led to him losing his license when my brother and I were young.  There are a lot of alcoholics on both sides of my family, so I understand where she was coming from.  I wish it had just been a normal part of life, not made a big deal of or overindulged in (well.. occasional/appropriate overindulgence is ok).  That's what I'm hoping to do.  My brother and I both partied pretty hard when we got to college, and I think that was in part because alcohol was this forbidden fruit and we had never been around adults drinking responsibly.

ebk20

It's ok to have opinions or plans as a first time mom but it's also ok to change your mind when you are actually in it.
I was very against co-sleeping at first, in fact I was so hardcore about safe sleep that I would never let my baby sleep anywhere but in my arms or his crib. No swing, no rock n play, no docka tot, none are safe sleep approved. But at 14 weeks my LO refused to sleep anywhere but my bed, nursing and I was desperate as I had to return to work. We were able to transition him back to his crib and he sleeps great. He still sleeps in our bed when he is sick or falls asleep in our bed when I'm too pregnant and tired to do bedtime. Bedtime and sleep for babies and toddlers is always changing with sleep regression and life in general. Dont be too hard on yourself. As a side note, research shows that some factors such as parental drinking, drug use, obesity, smoking and bottle fed babies in general are risk factors for cosleeping.

runrinserepeat

WRT the alcohol convo, my dad was very anti-alcohol. I remember my mom coming home once smelling of beer, and I was scandalized. We never kept alcohol in the house. 

It turns out my dad’s godmother’s “close friend” was killed by a drunk driver. Many of my dad’s siblings have unhealthy relationships with alcohol. To him, there isn’t a reason to drink that justifies the risk. 

I had maybe 3 drinks total before I turned 21. I didn’t go crazy when I went to college, because I knew where my dad was coming from. We drink now around him, and he’s relaxed a bit with us (he still doesn’t drink and never will). 

If anything, one of the big lessons I want to take from my parents is just honesty. If my dad hadn’t ever talked to us about the why, I think it might have gone differently. But my parents were always so open with us. We understood why, even if they were restrictive at times. 

tumbleweed-1

This is a deep GTKY- reflecting on how we were raised and what we’d do differently. I feel like a lot of the what I don’t want to do is related to my mom’s denial of her mental health and what I believe to be narcissistic personality issues. She did the best she could while ignoring/battling her own demons, and my step dad enabled a lot of her behavior to keep the peace. Like how I was never allowed to say I was displeased with anything because it would set my mom into a pity party of how “I hate her” simply because I said “xyz isn’t fair” or tried to be open about my own feelings. Aside from the possibly toxic relationship I’ve developed with her, there are some parenting choices I want to repeat/don’t want to:

keep: nature family outings. We didn’t have the money for vacations- aside from one when I was five that I barely remember, and one almost week long group camping trip. But we took day trips all the time. Waterfall hikes, drives to the coast, picnics at lakes. I build a huge appreciation for the environment because of my exposure to the outdoors when I was young.
We also made a big deal about all holidays. My step dad didn’t have holidays growing up because of his parents’ religion, so he experienced birthdays, Christmas, etc through our experiences. We weren’t allowed to start any birthday parties until he was done working. I’d like holidays to be as exciting for my children. 

Not keep: Lack of privacy. My parents saw privacy as an earned privilege and it was never guaranteed anything I told them would be in confidence. Once my brother even had his bedroom door removed as punishment for something. I never really kept a diary because I knew my mom would read it. She read my sisters’ and admitted it to me. She thought she had to because my sister wouldn’t tell her anything. Uh, yeah, because you made it clear we can’t trust you. 

hkom

I think the best thing you can do, if you do drink, is to show your kids how to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, but also make sure they understand that not wanting to drink is perfectly normal and acceptable, and anyone who tells you that not drinking is stupid or makes you undesirable is full of shit.  Growing up,  my dad's family barelyn drank at all, my step dad's family drank waaaayyy too much, and none of my mom's family were local so we didn't have their example.  I went into college not really knowing what "normal" drinking was other than isolated examples. Like a lot of college kids, I drank too much and made stupid decisions, but screwed my head back on straight after I was out of my early 20s. My brother did not and is now a serious alcoholic (obviously there are factors other than familial examples, but I do think that added to his issues).  No one is perfect, and adults are certainly allowed to get responsibly drunk once in a while.  Just make sure your kids understand that and then set good examples with your own actions. 

@westcoastfoodie I feel you on the sensationalization (is that a word?) of alcohol.  It drives me crazy.  Maybe I'm a snob, but, potential UO, I absolutely turn my nose up at anyone over the age of 25 playing drinking games, borderline bragging about how much they drink, or just generally getting overly excited about alcohol. I love wine or a good cocktail, but I don't need to announce it to people like it somehow makes me cool.  Shaming or acting astounded when someone tells you they don't drink is a whole other story. I about lose my mind when people do that. 

westcoastfoodie

@hkom I agree with your UO... and maybe I'll get flamed for this one, but especially the mom/wine culture. I don't know if it's because I've only entered motherhood within the past few years, but I feel like it's really exploded. I like a cocktail or glass of wine here and there, but I don't need to announce it or joke that my kids are "the reason mommy drinks". 

This was such a good GTKY! And tbh, the discussion of alcohol really made me feel more at ease about how to approach it later, which I know is a long ways away, but still something to consider. So thank you all!  

hkom

@westcoastfoodie Wine Mom culture is so cringey

hannelorre

@hkom @westcoastfoodie i agree with what you are saying. Not gonna lie, I've relaxed with glass of wine after a bad day before but maybe it's the announcing and talking about it (a lot) that annoys me. But I also dont have kids yet so it may change!