@dellusion That’s a good reminder. Also try to remember to tell all the “important” people before posting it on social media. I found out my first niece was born when a friend texted me about it - she had seen it on Facebook. I knew my sister was in the hospital and had checked my phone when I got up. There was no update from my mom, sister or BIL, so I assumed there was no baby yet. 10 mins later my friend texted me about it - a friend that was friends on Facebook with my sister because my bridesmaids had all friended each other, but otherwise wasn’t really friends with her.
Adding that some hospitals will let you put a password on your room or limit the number of visitors. We had 7 people come last night and kept bugging me while in recovery if they could see her yet. That will NOT be happening this time. I’ve already informed my OB that there will be no visitors the day I give birth.
I don't mind visitors, I have a very close knit family and fully expect them to want to be over alll the damn time LOL. It doesn't bother me, but I will also be blunt when I need to be..like 'OK, im exhausted time for you to go now!'
I will not cater to people in my own house tho, f that. If you expect food, bring it with you. And I rarely use a breastfeeding cover in my own home...my friends and family got used to that pretty quick tho. I don't even use a cover in front of my Dad, neither did my older sister. Don't like it, don't come!
Also, I eventually got better at taking advantage of visitors that really just wanted to visit with baby. Like OK thats fine but I'm going to go take a shower, or take a quick nap for example. Don't be afraid to say that. They want to help but sometimes i don't think they realize that coming over and just holding baby isn't really helping me.
This topic is my biggest source of anxiety when it comes to the logistics of everything. My mom lives 2 hours away and I do want her to meet LO while I’m in the hospital. She has assumed my house is open to her and she will take care of my pets. 2 dogs, 2 cats, lots of personality and unique behaviors. My MIL is 10 min away and knows the animal routine and I would much rather her stay at my house and tend to the animals, but I don’t think they’d all stay there. The idea of my mom doing it stresses me out. She’ll break a hip trip out over an animal in the middle of the night because they sprawl out in specific places in our room, or a dog will run away on her. I’m pretty sure my MIL would be annoyed if I asked her to stay if my mom was going to be there anyway.
When i I get home my mom is insistent I will want her help so she will stay for a few days. I just get really wound tight around her and it causes me to be bitchy to her and my husband. Add to it her BF will join her because she doesn’t drive long distance alone, ever, for wherever reason. I don’t wanna have to think about whipping my boob or to feed with him around. He probably wouldn’t care but I would. Also she doesn’t really cook, wouldn’t know where things go if she wanted to try and help clean, etc. also she will be freaking out about the dogs around the baby which won’t be helpful at all.
i tried suggesting a hotel and she just snickered and said she wasn’t spending all her money on that. She isn’t is that bad of a financial place, but I already felt a little bad saying it. I’m so not a “No” person. I’ve just been avoiding the topic lately and we will see what happens.
ugh I swear I love her but she just stresses me out. My husband also gets annoyed by her, which makes me more stressed. I have to be in the right frame of mind to deal with her and I double I will be coming home with a newborn.
The nurse that gave our hospital tour said that the postpartum nurses are used to playing along if you want to limit the number of visitors or keep visits to a certain amount of time.
We don't have anyone in the area—no family, no friends that have ever been inside our apartment when it's clean, much less would be invited when the apartment looks like crap. So I kind of wish that we had some support close by that could help us out with meals and such, but I know I will appreciate the quiet and privacy as we get adjusted.
My mom plans to fly out maybe 2.5 weeks after the baby is born (her first grandkid) and stay for a week, but we don't have a guest room anymore, so she's already planning to book a hotel. She needs to make arrangements for someone to help take care of my stepdad, who's not in good health, so it has to be planned a bit in advance. My relationship with my mom has done a complete 180 in the past decade, and I know she will be helpful with meals, dishes, etc, in addition to baby care. Fella gets 8 weeks of paternity leave (brand new at his company this year -- thank you Bay Area for pressuring companies to provide better benefits!), but it can be split up. So we're hoping that he can take 2 weeks of that plus some PTO, then my mom can help for a week, and then I might be ok after that? So we can save the rest of his leave for some traveling throughout year 1.
I am letting my husband talk to his mother about when she might want to visit, but so far, she's only commented that we no longer have a guest room and that she would have to get a hotel. Uh, yep, that's correct. She is much better off than my parents are, so I'm not going to feel guilty about that. Fella has suggested a timeframe, but she never committed and hasn't brought it up in months, so who knows. If she comes, I'm not counting on her to be helpful.
My husband's brother is living maybe a 6-8 hour drive north of us right now (I'm honestly not sure), but doesn't have a car and is frugal to an extreme. Like, he'll camp in the forest for weeks with only a sleeping bag if no one offers him a couch to crash on. He says he really wants to come visit and see us and the baby, and I love that he wants to, but I'm not okay with him camping on our couch for an indeterminate amount of time. He's also a little awkward, socially, and I'm not sure that he gets that the first few months are mostly just keeping the kid and ourselves alive, and we're not going to "do" anything.
@rabtaido1214 you gotta stand your ground momma! If you want her to stay in a hotel then push for that. Tell her you aren't having anyone staying in your house and that it would be a much more enjoyable visit for everyone with the boundaries in place. I know it's hard, I hate saying no to people as well but if they can't be understanding to my requests probably then what's stopping them from respecting my requests when the baby is here ya know? Gotta be firm now so people know you're serious later too
I think it all depends on how much space you have in your home, how good your relationships are with your guests, and how well they respect boundaries. I’ve handled guests differently with each baby so far.
My parents are local, my mil & fil are 7 hours away. My parents & fil are helpful and won’t get in the way. My mil is a handful and stresses both my husband and me out.
My first kiddo was in the nicu for a week due to an infection, so it was pretty easy to control the flow of guests because we could always use “we can’t get the baby sick” as an excuse. My husband was a saint and established that we were not going to be a hotel or entertainment for his parents and two younger sisters who were still at home at the time.
My second kiddo was born two days before my sil had her first, so we were largely ignored, which was fine by me!
We have a bigger house this time around with a bedroom and bathroom in our basement, plus my husband’s youngest sisters are adults now and won’t be coming with fil & mil. It probably wouldn’t be as bad housing my mil & fil this time because of that. Plus my husband has gotten real good at telling his mom no and stop.
Honestly, my favorite maternity leave guest is my dad. He will show up in the afternoon with something to put in the oven, hold the baby for like 5 minutes, ask if I need anything, then leave. He should teach classes
@purplegoldfish2 Ahh yes that is super important. We told my mom and said don't say anything but I think I may have posted a little while later on FB and that's how my sister found out! I was like Mom, you could've told my sister and brother!
My family is almost all local, so at least I don't need to worry about hotels or them trying to crash with us!
I am allowing NO ONE in the labor/delivery room except DH, and once we move to PP room, I'm going to ask everyone to please funnel all visit requests through him, because I want no more than 3 at a time and no later than 9 pm.
If people want to come to my house, they better be prepared to cook/clean/or hold the baby while I take a nap. I will not be entertaining people, and I will kick them out when I'm tired. I know it will be hard to force myself to nap with guests, but everyone has said to make sure you sleep!
Of course, this could all change, because FTM...lol
@rabtaido1214 I would hold your ground and say you really would prefer for them to stay at a hotel to make everyone (including them) more comfortable and that if money is the concern you will offer to pay for part, it means that much to you and it’s not personal. My mom is a world record grudge holder and even though she didn’t love hearing it, her interest in seeing the baby and being part of her life trumped her grudge and she let it go.
Also, the fact she doesn’t drive is not your burden to bear. My mom had this same issue for a long time. My stepdad drove her up when dd was born but he had the good sense to hang out elsewhere. That being said she got over her fear of driving since dd was born - funny how that was the incentive she needed. I hope yours works out ok. I only share mine to say that maybe she will ultimately surprise you.
@rabtaido1214 Don’t be afraid to tell your mom no because it won’t be helpful to you at all. We initially told my mom we didn’t want any extra help but I ended up with bad tearing and a baby three weeks early and a house not even remotely ready. So when she offered again to come out for a couple of days, we decided to say yes. It was a huge help, since I didn’t mind her touching my laundry and she truly helped. She usually drives me bananas so it was a nice surprise. If you don’t think she’ll be helpful, then definitely stand your ground and tell her thanks, but no thanks. If she wants to visit, she can stay at a hotel but you need that time to get acclimated to your new life.
My recovery with DD was extremely rough with my PPH complications and the aftermath of that. Having inlaws visit from the other side of the country was basically hell for me since they don’t like to travel here unless they stay a while. They did a visit train (first SIL came, then MIL/FIL, then other SIL) they plan to do the same thing this time and it will once again be terrible and unhelpful. BIL plans to come with SIL this time, so yay. More people to sit on the couch and stare at me.
I did say that they should come at the end of Oct (so babe will be about a month) and hopefully fall activities with DD will keep them occupied and maybe even out of the house some of the time!
I mentioned to dh that we need to talk to my parents as my dad is obsessed with his phone and taking pictures and sending to everyone. Thankfully he isn't on fb but dh looked at me like I was crazy but said ok. Oy. Maybe I am being more worried than I should be.
@SweetSweetTooth my FIL is the same way. We have had to have talks with him about oversharing information with pictures on FB. He has been known to say things like “this is our grandson (name), son of (name) and (name) while visiting their home in (place) this weekend.” Not cool. My SIL allows it so he keeps doing it, but we shut it down when he posts like that while visiting us.
We've decided to only allow our parents to visit at the hospital. If all goes well, we will only be there 24 hours after her birth and I know I'll be exhausted and we'll be getting tons of information and I don't want to balance guests on top of all that.
My inlaws live 15 minutes away so I imagine they will come by as frequently as we let them. My mom works just down the street and I'm guessing she'll stop by after work each day to check on us.
DH has 2 weeks off and he's pretty much in the mindset of we can do this all ourselves, but I'm think a little extra help might be nice.
We figure we'll pick a day or two during the week after where people can come and visit at home and meet her. Giving us a couple days to adjust at home.
We also won't text anyone or share on SM until she's here and maybe even after we leave the hospital. I just don't want to deal with a flurry of messages.
Good point about SM and pictures. As a general rule we don't share photos online at all so most people aren't even allowed to take photos of my kids because I don't trust them to respect my wishes. A few friends and maybe 1 or 2 family members are trusted but that's it.
We also have a rule that unexpected guests to the hospital do NOT get in. I'm exhausted and usually just not in the mood for a lot of people hovering over the baby and me. I'm really sad that my in laws live so far away. My mil and 4 sil would be far more helpful than any of my local family if they were here.
For relatives that overshare online: remember it’s usually because they are super excited and they are not thinking about anything else. I found that being explicit has worked well and no one takes offense. Just a quick “please do not share on social media until we do, thanks!”
I’m hoping my parents come immediately and stay a week at least!! We are very close and both of them are very helpful. Since we are so close I highly doubt I would even need to tell my mom I need space..she just seems to know those kind of things. She pretty much lives to help others and will be more than happy to leave me alone with my baby while she cooks, cleans, gets groceries, and does laundry. And my dad enjoys working with DH which would free up more time for us to spend together. I’m also looking forward to my moms help with BFing since I’m a FTM and she’s done it 3 times. Also if they take the time to drive out, they have a nice RV that they can stay in.
To each their own. I loved visitors for my first. My mom came in for two weeks to help out and she was a major blessing. My sister came twice from out of state and stayed a week at a time. My in-laws and rest of my local family stopped by very regularly. Each person was so helpful and I was able to get other things done instead of holding the baby so much. I loved watching everyone with her. Most people that came by also brought food so I didn't have to cook. It was amazing. I would much rather people come by than blow up my phone 24/7 with questions about the baby. I hope to have lots of visitors for #2 this time as well. My mom is local this time so I won't have her 24/7 for two weeks like last time but she isn't far either.
With DS1 I definitely didn't mind the local visitors for an hour or 2. None of our family is local though, so I had my Mom fly in about a week after he was born for 10 days. That was helpful for me since I was still recovering and I feel really comfortable telling what to do and not do in my house. Since my mom came for 10 days, my DH thought his mom should also come for 10 days after my mom left...that was a disaster and I will not let that happen again! My husband was back at work, so it was just me and MIL in my house and I felt like I had to entertain her the whole time which was exhausting. She also just sat there and watched soap operas all day unless i specifically asked her to do something, which I didn't really have much I needed her to do. I think she thought I'd be helpless and need her for everything, but turns out I had a pretty good handle on everything. I also don't have the same relationship with her as I do with my mom where I can tell her to stop doing things that annoy me, so it ended up me just being super annoyed with her for 10 days while DH was off doing his thing at work. Needless to say, that will not be happening this time...I will put my foot down.
Ugh this topic is giving me a bit of stress. Last time with DS, we didn’t have to worry about this because all of our family was local/within 30-40 minutes of us, so people just came to visit at the hospital, and then came and went more casually over the next few days/weeks after he was born.
Since then, we moved to the opposite coast from our families, so now my mom, sister and my ILs are all a 6 hour plane ride away. I want my family to be able to come see this baby as soon as he’s born, but we really don’t want to have to host people at our house when we get home from the hospital. Luckily DH’s sister also lives near us, so his parents can easily stay at their house, but my mom and sister would have to get a hotel if they don’t stay with us, and I really don’t want to offend them by saying we don’t want them staying with us. It’s really just an issue for the couple of weeks that DH is also going to be off work, though. Once DH is back at work, we’d be ok with them staying over for a bit, I think, but we want to have that first couple of weeks to adjust to being a new family of four, you know?
I mentioned it to my mom the last time she was here visiting a few weeks ago, and I could tell she already got a little upset because she had just assumed that she would be staying at our house. We haven’t really discussed it again since, and I’m kind of dreading it now
@pumpkinpancake could you ask her to wait to come out then?? Explain that as much as you'd love to have her right in home with you itll be overwhelming to have them, the in laws, and your DH home together for a week or so fresh out of the hosptial. Tell her if she waits she would be able to stay with you and get more one on one time with baby instead of splitting time with DHs family too? That way you can get your schedual with DH and baby down, his parents can have their time with the baby still but go back to SILs at the end of the day and when DH goes back to work your family can come out, understand your schedule, and have their time with baby
@pumpkinpancake I really wouldn't worry too much about hurting anyone's feelings. You gotta do what's best for you and the little one, which means that they'll get a hotel or a rental. They'll be totally fine with it, especially after they get some baby snugs. Don't stress it! If this thread has confirmed anything, it's that people who didn't want family staying with them but allowed it anyway have regrets about that decision. Self care, boo!
I’ve been avoiding thinking about this. Less stressful lol. I figure whatever happens my mom will have to go home after a few days to work and then we can figure life with a baby out.
Re: Out of town visitors post birth
I will not cater to people in my own house tho, f that. If you expect food, bring it with you. And I rarely use a breastfeeding cover in my own home...my friends and family got used to that pretty quick tho. I don't even use a cover in front of my Dad, neither did my older sister. Don't like it, don't come!
Also, I eventually got better at taking advantage of visitors that really just wanted to visit with baby. Like OK thats fine but I'm going to go take a shower, or take a quick nap for example. Don't be afraid to say that. They want to help but sometimes i don't think they realize that coming over and just holding baby isn't really helping me.
When i I get home my mom is insistent I will want her help so she will stay for a few days. I just get really wound tight around her and it causes me to be bitchy to her and my husband. Add to it her BF will join her because she doesn’t drive long distance alone, ever, for wherever reason. I don’t wanna have to think about whipping my boob or to feed with him around. He probably wouldn’t care but I would. Also she doesn’t really cook, wouldn’t know where things go if she wanted to try and help clean, etc. also she will be freaking out about the dogs around the baby which won’t be helpful at all.
i tried suggesting a hotel and she just snickered and said she wasn’t spending all her money on that. She isn’t is that bad of a financial place, but I already felt a little bad saying it. I’m so not a “No” person. I’ve just been avoiding the topic lately and we will see what happens.
ugh I swear I love her but she just stresses me out. My husband also gets annoyed by her, which makes me more stressed. I have to be in the right frame of mind to deal with her and I double I will be coming home with a newborn.
We don't have anyone in the area—no family, no friends that have ever been inside our apartment when it's clean, much less would be invited when the apartment looks like crap. So I kind of wish that we had some support close by that could help us out with meals and such, but I know I will appreciate the quiet and privacy as we get adjusted.
My mom plans to fly out maybe 2.5 weeks after the baby is born (her first grandkid) and stay for a week, but we don't have a guest room anymore, so she's already planning to book a hotel. She needs to make arrangements for someone to help take care of my stepdad, who's not in good health, so it has to be planned a bit in advance. My relationship with my mom has done a complete 180 in the past decade, and I know she will be helpful with meals, dishes, etc, in addition to baby care. Fella gets 8 weeks of paternity leave (brand new at his company this year -- thank you Bay Area for pressuring companies to provide better benefits!), but it can be split up. So we're hoping that he can take 2 weeks of that plus some PTO, then my mom can help for a week, and then I might be ok after that? So we can save the rest of his leave for some traveling throughout year 1.
I am letting my husband talk to his mother about when she might want to visit, but so far, she's only commented that we no longer have a guest room and that she would have to get a hotel. Uh, yep, that's correct. She is much better off than my parents are, so I'm not going to feel guilty about that. Fella has suggested a timeframe, but she never committed and hasn't brought it up in months, so who knows. If she comes, I'm not counting on her to be helpful.
My husband's brother is living maybe a 6-8 hour drive north of us right now (I'm honestly not sure), but doesn't have a car and is frugal to an extreme. Like, he'll camp in the forest for weeks with only a sleeping bag if no one offers him a couch to crash on. He says he really wants to come visit and see us and the baby, and I love that he wants to, but I'm not okay with him camping on our couch for an indeterminate amount of time. He's also a little awkward, socially, and I'm not sure that he gets that the first few months are mostly just keeping the kid and ourselves alive, and we're not going to "do" anything.
My parents are local, my mil & fil are 7 hours away. My parents & fil are helpful and won’t get in the way. My mil is a handful and stresses both my husband and me out.
My first kiddo was in the nicu for a week due to an infection, so it was pretty easy to control the flow of guests because we could always use “we can’t get the baby sick” as an excuse. My husband was a saint and established that we were not going to be a hotel or entertainment for his parents and two younger sisters who were still at home at the time.
My second kiddo was born two days before my sil had her first, so we were largely ignored, which was fine by me!
We have a bigger house this time around with a bedroom and bathroom in our basement, plus my husband’s youngest sisters are adults now and won’t be coming with fil & mil. It probably wouldn’t be as bad housing my mil & fil this time because of that. Plus my husband has gotten real good at telling his mom no and stop.
Honestly, my favorite maternity leave guest is my dad. He will show up in the afternoon with something to put in the oven, hold the baby for like 5 minutes, ask if I need anything, then leave. He should teach classes
Ahh yes that is super important. We told my mom and said don't say anything but I think I may have posted a little while later on FB and that's how my sister found out! I was like Mom, you could've told my sister and brother!
I am allowing NO ONE in the labor/delivery room except DH, and once we move to PP room, I'm going to ask everyone to please funnel all visit requests through him, because I want no more than 3 at a time and no later than 9 pm.
If people want to come to my house, they better be prepared to cook/clean/or hold the baby while I take a nap. I will not be entertaining people, and I will kick them out when I'm tired. I know it will be hard to force myself to nap with guests, but everyone has said to make sure you sleep!
Of course, this could all change, because FTM...lol
Also, the fact she doesn’t drive is not your burden to bear. My mom had this same issue for a long time. My stepdad drove her up when dd was born but he had the good sense to hang out elsewhere. That being said she got over her fear of driving since dd was born - funny how that was the incentive she needed. I hope yours works out ok. I only share mine to say that maybe she will ultimately surprise you.
I did say that they should come at the end of Oct (so babe will be about a month) and hopefully fall activities with DD will keep them occupied and maybe even out of the house some of the time!
My inlaws live 15 minutes away so I imagine they will come by as frequently as we let them. My mom works just down the street and I'm guessing she'll stop by after work each day to check on us.
DH has 2 weeks off and he's pretty much in the mindset of we can do this all ourselves, but I'm think a little extra help might be nice.
We figure we'll pick a day or two during the week after where people can come and visit at home and meet her. Giving us a couple days to adjust at home.
We also won't text anyone or share on SM until she's here and maybe even after we leave the hospital. I just don't want to deal with a flurry of messages.
We also have a rule that unexpected guests to the hospital do NOT get in. I'm exhausted and usually just not in the mood for a lot of people hovering over the baby and me. I'm really sad that my in laws live so far away. My mil and 4 sil would be far more helpful than any of my local family if they were here.
Link to video: https://www.facebook.com/VTaardvark/videos/1820755944919698/
Me 32 and DH 40
Fur-baby named Bella
1 MC Nov. 2013
DD born Nov. 2, 2014
Little 2 EDD Oct. 1
Since then, we moved to the opposite coast from our families, so now my mom, sister and my ILs are all a 6 hour plane ride away. I want my family to be able to come see this baby as soon as he’s born, but we really don’t want to have to host people at our house when we get home from the hospital. Luckily DH’s sister also lives near us, so his parents can easily stay at their house, but my mom and sister would have to get a hotel if they don’t stay with us, and I really don’t want to offend them by saying we don’t want them staying with us. It’s really just an issue for the couple of weeks that DH is also going to be off work, though. Once DH is back at work, we’d be ok with them staying over for a bit, I think, but we want to have that first couple of weeks to adjust to being a new family of four, you know?
I mentioned it to my mom the last time she was here visiting a few weeks ago, and I could tell she already got a little upset because she had just assumed that she would be staying at our house. We haven’t really discussed it again since, and I’m kind of dreading it now