I wish I had known that!

offtoneverland · August 2018

Stealing this thread from January because it was super fun to lurk.

S+TMs: What do you wish you had known about childbirth/raising a baby?

herewegoagain3rd · August 2018

Not to buy the expensive diapers at first! Was spend ridiculous amount of money when luvs works just as well and for way cheaper!

herewegoagain3rd · August 2018

Oh, thought of another one! When your water breaks, it doesn't just come out all at once and you're done. It continues to leak out the whole time!

BabyBoyH92016 · August 2018

Sleep/Sleep schedules. Once the newborn sleepiness wears off, I think it’s important to learn about age appropriate wake-times/schedules. I was clueless, and my son didn’t exactly show the obvious sleep cues.

emjohn517 · August 2018

I wish I had known that you’ll never use the adorable crib decorations. Bumpers, comforter, been sitting in the closet for 3 years.

wish I had known my minimalist, clean freak home would forever become a disaster zone filled with stuff.

That induction takes forrevvverrrr

and literally how much water you hold. When they broke my water I flooded the entire bed and all over the floor. They had to call the cleaning department lol.

That youll understand why the CIA uses sleep deprivation as a torture technique

runningyogimama · August 2018

Don’t plan to get anything else done on maternity leave (or at least US short “maternity leave”). Anything. Unless it’s binge watch a show while baby eats. Anything else is just not going to happen. You’ll be adjusting to life with a baby and learning to function on broken sleep/working on BF it you go that route.

BF might not work out, no matter how badly you wanted it to. I wish I had been prepared for that with my first.

+1 to your water continuing to leak - had no idea that’s how it worked!

wildrainbow · August 2018

I wish I had known that while bf is "natural" there is a major learning curve and it's f-ing hard!

I wish I had known that not all babies act the same and they have their own cues.

I wish I had known how scary that first post partum poop is. Seriously, it's the worst, just prepare yourself.

I wish I had known about the post partum hormone dump. H came home and found me crying hysterically because ds wouldn't nurse from me, he was asleep. Not my finest moment.

I wish I had known that removing the bandage after c section is a special torture in hell and I spent time crying in the shower trying to remove it.

honeybeebub · August 2018

Love this thread!

- Some babies need to be put to sleep, it doesn't just happen for them (cue lots of rocking, walking, shushing)
- Getting up after the C-section is scary. Niagara falls of blood, the cleaning department was called
- Babies make a ton of weird noises at night, they are normal!
- Anything you use in the hospital you can take home - hello spare pump parts!
- If you're pumping at work, when you're done you can put the parts in a big zip lock bag and store in the fridge with your milk for the next use during the day (as opposed to cleaning them every time)
- Despite being told time and time again that all babies development happens at different times - I spent a lot of time trying to get him through milestones instead of just enjoying him and where he was in the moment.
- The days are long, but the years are short!

bkosy · August 2018

I second all the comments on bfing being a learning curve.

Also, I wish someone had told me that having baby blues is normal

josie12367 · August 2018

That having ppd can appear in many different forms, including anger

That the whole, "Breastfeeding won't hurt of they're latched correctly" is bullcrud. My DD had a high palate and it just freaking hurt even though she was latched perfectly

That not having baby on a schedule is completely normal for at least the first six months... so much is happening with growth and development that the "Schedule" you think you're on, changes frequently.... and it's okay!

That I should have spent more time researching sleep and how to raise a baby and less time researching how to birth said baby

That if you're not drunk, or feeling a buzz, then your milk is fine! No need to pump and dump, or skip that glass of wine with dinner

And that those moms that appear to have their sh*t together, really don't... and we're all riding the struggle bus at some point... give yourself some grace and time to find a groove

mellemarie · August 2018

Yes to all the bf comments. I had no idea how hard it could be. And unless it’s normal for you to have something latching to your nipples 8-12 times a day all the time it’s absolutely going to effing hurt!!

The baby blues are real.

Also that I would hate my husband for no reason at all for a while and that it’s normal lol

ashkee05 · August 2018

I wish I had known to not be so hard on myself when I couldn’t nurse. I stressed myself out so bad I’m pretty sure I made it worse. But I again didn’t learn this with my second. Hopefully it’ll stick with this third. Nursing just isn’t in my cards and I don’t need to beat myself up because of it.

lifesabeach85 · August 2018

Pleeeeeeease don’t hate me but, when I was pregnant I had heard so many people talk about struggles breast feeding that I was really prepared for it to be tough or not even work. Well, BF actually came pretty easily for me.

I wasnt prepared for sleep to go as badly as it did. Yeah yeah I knew baby would eat every few hours, and sleep would be disrupted but the idea that she would NOT sleep flat on her back in a crib? Didn’t cross my mind. Well, she wouldn’t. Tried every swaddle on the market before getting a lifesaving rock n play. She still didn’t sleep great unless on me until 6m.

Anyway, somethings won’t work out the way you plan, but at least one thing probably will, but it may not be what you think.

Also, it’s not only ok but necessary for you to take time for yourself away from your baby. And take time to be with your partner away from your baby. Even if these breaks are brief and far between. I became so much happier once we actually got some help and I got a few breaks.

And, take advice from everyone, but especially people whose kids are grown with a big grain of salt. They don’t remember and they will lie to you!

kamahina9 · August 2018

Thank you so much for all of your info! It's so good to read through as a ftm

offtoneverland · August 2018

honeybeebub said:
- Despite being told time and time again that all babies development happens at different times - I spent a lot of time trying to get him through milestones instead of just enjoying him and where he was in the moment.

1,000 times this! I did the same thing, and it took me too long just to realize that there was nothing I could do to make the development stages any better. When DD was going through a sleep regression, I found a blog that said something to the effect of "think of it as a sleep PROgression instead of a REgression." Sleep regressions typically happen because the baby's brain is just growing and thriving, so it helped me SO SO much to think of it in that way. It helped me realize that there was nothing I could do about it, and it was perfectly normal. I wish I had learned that earlier.

offtoneverland · August 2018

emjohn517 said:

I wish I had known that you’ll never use the adorable crib decorations. Bumpers, comforter, been sitting in the closet for 3 years.

This too. The only things we ever used from the crib set were the fitted sheet and the crib skirt. What a waste of money!

offtoneverland · August 2018

Sorry for multiple posts in a row.

I wish I had known that having a baby would be harder on me emotionally than physically. I expected it to be hard physically with the recovery and sleep deprivation, and it was. But it was also incredibly difficult from an emotional standpoint and I hadn't expected that at all. The constant guilt, worry, and anxiety was really hard. In the end, I don't think it was sever enough to be classified as PPA, but it still probably would have been helpful for me to talk to someone, and I'm going to remember that this time (I hope).

I wish I had known that the uterine cramping that happens while breastfeeding is really intense and painful.

I wish I would have known to bring colace to the hospital in case my doctor didn't prescribe it (he didn't for some reason, and I was so nervous about my first PP BM and colace would have been helpful).

Like @josie12367 said, I wish I would have known that it's okay to breastfeed as long as you're not drunk or feeling a buzz. I spent a lot of time researching that and worrying so much about it, so I dumped my milk a few times when I didn't need to.

I wish I would have known earlier to find the humor in certain situations that otherwise stressed me out. DD spit up A LOT and I spent the first few months trying to FIX HER. Like cutting out dairy, trying new sleeping positions, trying new burping positions, trying new feeding positions. And every time she spit up all over the place I got so flustered and frustrated. My sister finally told me that there was nothing I could do and I just needed to accept and expect it to happen. She also told me to find the humor in those huge spit ups instead of freaking out. That was so immensely helpful to me.

I wish I would have known to put the crib in our bedroom right away instead of in the nursery, because the baby will not sleep on its own for the first few weeks and I was too nervous to have her out of my sight. The first night home, MH had to take apart the crib and move it into our bedroom, when we should have just put it there to start.

I'm sure I'll think of more...

runningyogimama · August 2018

I wish I had know about Wonder Weeks earlier! Look them up now. Almost any sleep regression/fussy period can be tied to a wonder week, if there’s nothing else going on.

It is not easy for everyone to lose the baby weight - you might literally only lose a few lbs in the hospital and nothing for weeks.

+1 do you’ll want the baby in your room for awhile - I had DH set up the pack n play in our room the night we got home.

And you’ve never known tired/exhausted until your first baby. Newborn tried and parent exhausted is a whole new world!

offtoneverland · August 2018

I loved Wonder Weeks! I got the app for a few dollars and it was well worth it.

BabyBoyH92016 · August 2018

@offtoneverland yes! It was very emotionally hard on me. It’s not that I didn’t know my life would change, but once it actually happened I had to sort of grieve the loss of my life pre-baby. Thinking about another person 24/7 and their needs, is very draining.

@runningyogimama Weight loss was very difficult for me. I had heard that nursing would melt the weight off and that wasn’t true for me. It was also harder to put myself on a restricted calorie diet while nursing and I just didn’t have the time to workout like I used to.

emjohn517 · August 2018

Yes on wonder weeks! So helpful to keep an eye for milestones, expecting leaps. It was spot on for us.

And also on how hard losing the weight is. Breastfeeding made me ravenously starving all the time. I did not lose weight bfing at all.

So, so hard emotionally. I cried so much. Not out of sadness but just how overwhelming my love for her was and I could have never imagined that immense level of love and concern.

pelorunningmama · August 2018

@lifesabeach85 breastfeeding was pretty easy for me too. Once I got beyond the first few weeks, the letdown pain was gone, it was enjoyable. I treasure our breastfeeding relationship. I know it’s different for everyone, but there is so much negative talk about it. I think it is important for moms to have a healthy understanding that yes it is hard, but it also can be incredible.

I didn't know you could have multiple bags of water. Learned that with DD after they thought my water was completely broken, but I never progressed. They eventually found the second, got that popped, and things picked up immediately.

lifesabeach85 · August 2018

I also was mistaken about postpartum weight loss. I thought the weight would come off easily and quickly, especially with EBF. But if anything my body clung to the extra calories. It was hard hard hard to lose the weight.

mockingjay1 · August 2018

lifesabeach85 said:

I also was mistaken about postpartum weight loss. I thought the weight would come off easily and quickly, especially with EBF. But if anything my body clung to the extra calories. It was hard hard hard to lose the weight.

This was me too. I had my hopes up it would melt off some extra weight like it did for a few of my friends.

I was fortunate to know most of what has been mentioned from my job, but I don't think anything can prepare you for the overwhelming love/anxiety/fear that comes with having a child. I was so happy, but so worried at the same time and every milestone DS passed was just as sad to me as it was happy (something as simple as growing out of a clothing size had me in tears). I wonder if I had some undiagnosed PPD/PPA.

ginny_203 · August 2018

Loving all the advice! As a FTM, I’m curious if there were any parenting books that you found especially helpful (or apps besides Wonder Weeks?) I’ve read several books about pregnancy but am anxious about being unprepared for once she actually arrives.

offtoneverland · August 2018

@ginny_203 Honestly, when preparing for DD the only books I read were pregnancy related. Well, I think I bought a few books about babies, but I didn't read very much of them and can't remember which ones I had. For me personally, I found advice from friends and my sister more helpful than books. I know you feel unprepared now, but I promise you will figure out quickly once you have the baby, even if you don't read any books. The nurses in the hospital are a huge help, and our hospital had us take a quick baby class before leaving with DD, it was maybe like 45 minutes long, but I can't remember. It focused on safe sleep, bathing, diaper changes, basic care like that.
Maybe not the answer you were looking for, but just wanted to encourage you that even if you're unprepared now, it won't last for long.

lifesabeach85 · August 2018

@ginny_203 most of the books I read were on sleep because that is what we struggled with. Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child (Weissbluth) has a lot of great info but it’s not well organized, so you sometimes have to hunt for what you need, but I learned a lot from it. A lot of people swear by Happiest Baby on the Block but it wasn’t my favorite. My favorite was Sleeping Through the Night (Mindell). We basically used her sleep training program with great success.

The best general book on infants I read was Eat, Sleep, Poop. It’s by a pediatrician and covers pretty much anything plus it’s super readable.

The Mayo Clunic Guide for the First Year is a good reference text. Yes, google will give you a lot but it made me feel better to have some authority behind information on things like cradle cap, baby acne etc

MouseMama817 · August 2018

@ginny_203 For us the most helpful was the AAP guidebook Caring for Your Baby and Young Child (I believe the 6th edition is the most recent) and The Baby-Led Weaning Cookbook which is a condensed version of the book w/ recipes added. Obviously you wont need the second one until at least 6 months old and only then if you plan to use that feeding method. The AAP guidebook was a great reference point for us and like @lifesabeach85 said, it was helpful to have a single trusted source to get info from instead of Googling everything.

Eveinshock · August 2018

the sleep deprivation. It's literal torture. Now that I know how bad it is I have to just avoid thinking about it bc I get like panicky if I let my mind go there. I don't know how I am going to survive it again.

I did not know how much pain I would be in. I had a huge baby. The birth damaged my pelvic floor muscles and needed physical therapy. I hurt really bad. I felt like I had a UTI all the time. It also affected my lower back. I struggled to sit, to stand, move from the back pain. As the pelvic floor muscles got better, the back improved.

And yes to the baby blues. Combined with the exhaustion, the physical discomfort, the complete change in your life....it can be very overwhelming and depressing.

I'm curious if everything will be as bad with #2. I am more prepared now bc I know how hard it is, but I'm going to have a 20 month old also so I expect to be even more tired. Which I am not sure is even possible.....

vicioustrollop · August 2018

Some of the stuff here is very dependent on the person & baby!

-I wish I would have known the baby was not going to sleep. Ever. Regardless of what people told me and regardless of sleep schedules/awake times babies can have FOMO and refuse to sleep regardless of what you do for them

-It's 100% okay to not try to BF, to give up on a "bad day", etc - Happy mom = happy baby. Just feed the baby.

-It's 100% okay to not want the baby in your room. They're loud. Having him in my room made me more nervous and made us sleep less.

-Just because you're home everyday on maternity leave or whatever doesn't mean you don't need the other "working" parent to help at night. You do. Don't try to do it all.

-Don't just chalk up your feelings to "baby blues" PPD can happen to anyone and don't wait until you're 2 years deep to get help.

-I wish I would have ignored the Wonder Weeks app! It made me to conscious of behaviors and made me focus too much on the storm that was coming rather than just living life

-This is something I was told prior to the baby coming so I'm putting it here for others: Never make a decision about your marriage until after the first year with a new baby (I extended this to 2 years for my marriage and it helped)

emjohn517 · August 2018

@vicioustrollop a baby puts A LOT of strain on your marriage. I had no idea how much our marriage and relationship would be affected by parenthood. That’s a good rule.

BabyBoyH92016 · August 2018

vicioustrollop

-This is something I was told prior to the baby coming so I'm putting it here for others: Never make a decision about your marriage until after the first year with a new baby (I extended this to 2 years for my marriage and it helped)

Everyone had told me the first year of marriage is difficult (for us it was no different then when we were dating/engaged) but no one had warned me how difficult the first year of having a baby is on your marriage. You are adding a person to your family and it really changes the dynamic. I found my self resenting my husband when I was on maternity leave especially when he had to work late or had a business trip because being at home with a infant in the dead of winter 24/7 is really hard. I found myself getting irrationally angry with him (even though he was a very hands on father and super supportive) and it was probably a combination of sleep deprivation and the fact that I felt he had more freedom because he got to go to work everyday. Being on maternity leave/being a stay at home mom can be lonely sometimes. Especially when babies are young and don’t do much but eat, sleep, and poop.

offtoneverland · August 2018

emjohn517 said:

@vicioustrollop a baby puts A LOT of strain on your marriage. I had no idea how much our marriage and relationship would be affected by parenthood. That’s a good rule.

On that topic, I got the following advice from my sister, who has twins: Anything said during the middle of the night is off limits. You can say terrible things to each other when you just want to get some sleep without dealing with a crying baby, so try your hardest not to fight over or stew over anything said during the middle of the night.

offtoneverland · August 2018

vicioustrollop said:
-I wish I would have ignored the Wonder Weeks app! It made me to conscious of behaviors and made me focus too much on the storm that was coming rather than just living life

I totally get that. For me, I pretty much ignored the app until DD was being crazy and uncontrollable. Then I would open the app and usually see that she was in a leap, which explained the behavior. For me, knowing that her behavior was due to a developmental thing, and not due to bad parenting on my part, really helped calm me down and relax. I didn't obsess over the leaps or anything though and I never counted down to them. I just used it as a way to reassure myself that I wasn't failing.

kazmierczak0314 · August 2018

You will not want to cook! Make freezer meals so you still have some good food you can throw in the oven.

That pp anxiety is overwhelming and may affect you.

That baby might not sleep flat on its back. We made it one night before buying a rock n play.

That you might have baby sleep on its stomach on your stomach. And you might be asleep too...

That side nursing in the night might literally save your life.

That baby might refuse every bottle there is if you're around. I had to leave the house for my son to take a bottle.

hollyeva · August 2018

@ginny_203 The Wonder Weeks app is amazing, I also spent the money on Baby Connect. It helped when I was tracking diapers in the beginning (yes, you actually track these things, especially if you're trying to BF) and you can connect your partner onto it as well and it'll sync the information about the baby. So, if you're partner's changing the baby, they can record the information into the app while you're sleeping ;-) I continue to use it with both kids for recording height/weight progression and vaccinations. Another great resource I found was The Science of Mom, which is written by a mother who's a scientist and she discusses ways to help you think about or approach sickness, sleep issues, feeding, etc. She's really great and down-to-earth.

Many people told me about the sleep dep, but I think I had to really go through it to understand how pervasive it can be. Being angry at your partner is also pretty natural, having open, honest, yet diplomatic conversations about it helped us through that part. I didn't experience it as much with the second as with the first, but that was part of the cycle of "grieving pre-baby life" (that was brilliant).

If you do struggle with breastfeeding, you may feel like you're grieving if you have to start supplementing. I was so determined to BF and thought something was seriously wrong with me, or that I was doing something wrong. They had me literally feeding one hour, pumping the next hour, then taking an hour off in the beginning. It destroyed me emotionally. I learned to relax a bit with it by the second one, and found that I actually had more milk that time around.

offtoneverland · August 2018

kazmierczak0314 said:
That baby might refuse every bottle there is if you're around. I had to leave the house for my son to take a bottle.

DD was the opposite! I expected her to not take the bottle, like you said, but she took to it like a champ and didn't even care. It was kind of hard for me emotionally because I had been struggling to bf and it made me feel like she didn't even need me. That was one of the reasons I switched to EPing, since she seemed to like the bottle better.

iheartbooks · August 2018

I wish I had not freaked out so much about breastfeeding. I worked myself up beforehand with all the possible things that could go wrong and was convinced it would never work for me, but then it was fine. I think it’s good to research things before but to also keep in mind that you have no idea how your baby and your journey will be until you get there. Relax and have faith that everything will work out the way it needs to. Looking back now, with a healthy happy four year old, I realize that many of the things I worried so much about when she was teeny tiny were not so life and death in the long run. For example, if I had needed to formula feed it would have been totally fine. Kids are resilient and what they really need is love. I hope that makes sense. Just know that as long as you love your baby and do your best, everything is seriously going to be just fine. I promise.

I also wish I had allowed myself to just stay home and hibernate that first month or two. Everyone told me I had to get out and I would feel so much better if I did but it was so difficult and exhausting for this introverted mama to leave the house. This time I plan to hibernate and severely limit visitors. Again, you know you and your family best. Trust your instincts and do what you need to do to take care of yourself, whatever that may be.

preggersabroad · August 2018

As a FTM I'm REALLY loving this post! All this advice is great (some scary, but great!) thank you all for sharing!!

@ginny_203 If you are into podcasts, I recently found on that has AMAZING topics for pre and post natal... its called "Birthful the podcast".

booksandcoffee · August 2018

That everything is a phase and nothing will last forever. For example, your baby WILL eventually sleep through the night. But then there will be teething or growth spurts or illnesses or bad dreams and you’ll think- omg I am never going to sleep again. And then that phase will pass. And then it’s onto the next phase and you’ll be sleepless again. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you are the cause for why your baby isn’t sleeping well. Babies gonna baby- and they don’t sleep much lol

Breastfeeding is HARD the first six weeks.

That you can have the most detailed birth plan ever and then your actual delivery goes nothing like planned.

lifesabeach85 · August 2018

I just learned that you should not eat any foods containing poppy seeds shortly before birth. This sounds like a joke but apparently it’s real.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/news/morning-mix/wp/2018/08/08/yes-you-can-fail-a-drug-test-by-eating-a-poppy-seed-bagel-as-a-maryland-mother-learned/

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