Feeling traumatized by birth for unknown reason

jackiemarie1989-2 · July 2018

I'll preface this with a TW, talks about negative side of unmedicated birth, if you're considering it. I'd hate for my individual experience to scare somebody.
I just want to know if anyone else experienced what I did.

I gave birth to my second child unmedicated about a year ago. Im still processing it emotionally. I feel dumb and ridiculous for saying I was "traumatized" by it, because nothing was wrong. Medically we were both fine. No near death experiences or anything. I had a supportive husband and was in a hospital with a wonderful medical team. I chose to go unmedicated. It was my choice (after a bad experience with an epidural for my first) and I prepared for it for months.

I labored for 2 days at home and was fine. I was lucky my water didn't break till the end and it made the pain bearable. I got to the hospital at 8 cm and still felt happy, excited, like I could do this.
Then my water broke and it felt like a switch went off in me. Not only did the pain intensify but an intense, primal fear came over me. Even though I mentally knew I was fine, and I had plenty of help, I couldn't shake this awful fear. I went into an alternate state of mind and I felt like I had no control. I jumped up on the bed screaming, panicking. By the time my water broke it was time to push. I was screaming, and they were telling me not to. Within a half hour my baby was out. And he was completely fine.

I had nightmares about the pain and the fear, I would wake up with postpartum contractions and feel panic, thinking I was in labor again. I still feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it, and although I've always wanted 3 kids, I don't want to do it again. What if it happens too fast and I don't get an epidural in time. What if an epidural doesn't work. I don't want to risk it.

I was lucky, we were both fine, my water stayed intact till the end, I was only in severe pain for about 30 minutes. I feel like a wimp to complain when people literally die or lose their babies. I don't know why I feel so freaked out by it. I'm wondering if anyone else who had a healthy, medically normal unmediated birth felt the same or if I'm just crazy.
Ive wanted to talk to someone about it for a while but I'm afraid of either coming off insensitive because others have it worse, or scaring my friends who don't have kids yet. I feel like this is "taboo" in natural birth forums, it's supposed to be "beautiful"

If you read this whole thing, thank you, sincerely. If anyone has any thoughts or experiences to share, I would greatly appreciate it

harpseal135 · July 2018

jackiemarie1989-2 said:

I'll preface this with a TW, talks about negative side of unmedicated birth, if you're considering it. I'd hate for my individual experience to scare somebody.
I just want to know if anyone else experienced what I did.

I gave birth to my second child unmedicated about a year ago. Im still processing it emotionally. I feel dumb and ridiculous for saying I was "traumatized" by it, because nothing was wrong. Medically we were both fine. No near death experiences or anything. I had a supportive husband and was in a hospital with a wonderful medical team. I chose to go unmedicated. It was my choice (after a bad experience with an epidural for my first) and I prepared for it for months.

I labored for 2 days at home and was fine. I was lucky my water didn't break till the end and it made the pain bearable. I got to the hospital at 8 cm and still felt happy, excited, like I could do this.
Then my water broke and it felt like a switch went off in me. Not only did the pain intensify but an intense, primal fear came over me. Even though I mentally knew I was fine, and I had plenty of help, I couldn't shake this awful fear. I went into an alternate state of mind and I felt like I had no control. I jumped up on the bed screaming, panicking. By the time my water broke it was time to push. I was screaming, and they were telling me not to. Within a half hour my baby was out. And he was completely fine.

I had nightmares about the pain and the fear, I would wake up with postpartum contractions and feel panic, thinking I was in labor again. I still feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it, and although I've always wanted 3 kids, I don't want to do it again. What if it happens too fast and I don't get an epidural in time. What if an epidural doesn't work. I don't want to risk it.

I was lucky, we were both fine, my water stayed intact till the end, I was only in severe pain for about 30 minutes. I feel like a wimp to complain when people literally die or lose their babies. I don't know why I feel so freaked out by it. I'm wondering if anyone else who had a healthy, medically normal unmediated birth felt the same or if I'm just crazy.
Ive wanted to talk to someone about it for a while but I'm afraid of either coming off insensitive because others have it worse, or scaring my friends who don't have kids yet. I feel like this is "taboo" in natural birth forums, it's supposed to be "beautiful"

If you read this whole thing, thank you, sincerely. If anyone has any thoughts or experiences to share, I would greatly appreciate it

If you are having this severe of an issue, maybe you need to talk to your doctor and get some professional medical help to discuss this and find ways to cope.

ska8471 · July 2018

PTSD is a legitimate condition that can be brought on by birth. Definitely talk to your doctor about it...don't suffer alone.

This website links to a Facbook support group as well as other resources:

https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/help-support/getting-help

PolarBear517 · August 2018

Completely agree with the above posters, if your feelings about your birth experience are still weighing on you, and ESPECIALLY if you feel this is the only thing holding you back from the vision you've had for your family size I would seek counseling. I've known one woman to have a traumatic delivery followed by an unplanned pregnancy, she received counseling throughout her pregnancy and found it to be very helpful. If you start ahead of a third pregnancy I think you'll have the greatest benefit.

scarletwillow · August 2018

Oh honey, my heart goes out to you! I am pregnant with my 6th and have anxiety about the pain of childbirth. I've had all my other kids vaginally and the last 3 naturally. The 5th was an incredibly great labor and fast. It was 2 hours from the time I woke up with cramps, to him in my arms. I was so calm all the way until when I pushed and then that incredible pain and loss of control kicked in. For me it only lasted a few minutes, but that pain haunts me. I've been coping with it mostly on my own (without counseling), but I have talked to my husband, Mom, and midwife. I've realized that for me it's connected with other areas of my life that I feel lack of control over. When I realized that and could start naming those other things, that helped me a lot. I don't know if that will help you or not. If you do decide to seek counseling, your OB/midwife could probably recommend someone they usually send PPD ladies to. Whether you end up having more babies or not, this has you waking up at night and I think needs addressing so you can move on. I wish you all the best.

Feeling traumatized by birth for unknown reason

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