@smashjam I think the most hurtful aspects of the whole thing are first that you clearly have a history of alcohol abuse in your family/life, and second that he is not showing interest in family time and wanting to be alone to drink a lot. I'm not making any assumptions of course since I don't know him at all, but is this typical behavior for him or more recent? Is it possible he too may be experiencing some depression/anxiety issues that are causing him to want to be alone and drink? If it's out of character for him I'd maybe try talking to him and seeing if there's something else going on. Either way it sucks and I'm sorry. My H has demons he deals with too, not with alcohol but with other things, and it is always so much worse when he is anxious or feeling sad or stressed or just not in a good mental state. I hope your H comes to his senses and apologizes for his behavior.
@SmashJam I understand what you are saying. I guess I did not think of that because my DH and I spend 95% of the time together since we don't have family here and even though I have lots of friends I usually see them during the week or they do stuff for the both of us during the weekend. So "alone time" for DH is usually a treat I am happy to let him have. I am sure things will change once the baby comes...
Agreed with @zande2016 that the alcohol part is particularly problematic giving all the existing family issues you've had to deal with because of alcohol. I hope he comes around and apologizes soon, and also that he makes an effort to avoid situations like these in the future.
OMG I am so sorry, the comment above is from me. I am accessing from my PC and apparently it had a different account saved among the passwords! I guess instead of using my Knot account to join the bump I created another one altogether because I had forgotten my password?? Sorry for the random looking user!
@SmashJam I millionth everyone else's comments already. I briefed my DH on what happened last night and he thought it was bizarre that your DH, assuming you had gotten him a gift he wanted, didn't just go to the baseball game if he was out of the house anyway. Maybe @zande2016 is right--he's depressed and doesn't know how to handle it?
@flockofmoosen3@zande2016 him and I did have a talk recently about how there are a few days every few weeks where he is very clearly a happier, more patient person, and that during that time he's more willing to do things with DS up off the couch, more patient with him, and more willing to do things around the house (and jokes about more children!). Then like, every other day of his life he just seems grouchy and tired, won't move from his couch spot, etc. Two weekends ago when he was feeling pretty up about life he said maybe he should talk to his doc about it...he has taken depression/anxiety meds in the past and it screwed up his libido, so he is not really feeling being on it again for that reason.
That being said, since we've had kids, whenever he wants to celebrate something it involves being able to "unplug from life" and do his own thing. So like, he'll talk to his friends on gchat and drink beer if I'm here, and practically ignore me, or he'll go downstairs and play video games, or he'll invite his bro over and they'll do their thing. I think it has to do with being able to relax, which I get, but it still hurts. It's never like, let's go get some pizza and celebrate together its like, lets go get some beer so I can celebrate and then make the rest of you miserable the following day. So really, its not super new behavior.
@SmashJam I second what @zande2016 said. My first thought was depression after reading your post. My two cents is personally that whatever is going on with him should be a priority for him to figure out. For the sake of you as well as his children, and then himself also. If he suffered libido issues as a result of the meds then maybe he should talk with his Dr about trying something new, especially if otherwise they helped. Usually getting to the Dr to even open up about that is very hard for men, so the fact that he's done that part of it should be reassuring. Remember in all of this that you have to take care of yourself too. It's really easy to get so caught up in daily life of being a mother to a toddler, the anxiety of being nearly 9 months pregnant, trying to get last minute things done prior to that, and feeling like your doing it alone when your H is there just disconnected. It's so hard without adding the stress of your husband to the mix. Encourage him to get the help you know he needs and set some pretty strict boundaries for your own sake. Let him know what's expected of him and offer to be the support he needs while still giving yourself time for YOU! Seriously I have been there dealing with PTSD following my husband's deployment and it's so incredibly hard to find a balance and remember you need to focus on your own health too. It's so easy to get consumed and lose sight of that. So many hugs to you and seriously thinking of you as you heal from hurt he's selfishly caused.
@SmashJam I didn’t weigh in earlier because everyone had said what I was already thinking but I’m seriously so mad for you. I don’t drink, so I don’t know what is appropriate when it comes to drinking, but I know that it’s something that is hard for you. Is his drinking getting to the extreme end? I would be concerned if any hobby (especially an addictive one) was getting in the way of family responsibilities and time together. And the fact that he doesn’t see a problem with what he was doing: lying so he could go drink alone in his office (did he drive home drunk?) (AND it’s something that I’m sure he knows for 100% certain that you have an emotional issue to given all the drink problems in your family.) I hope he gets his act together and at least apologizes
Update and clarification: him and his brother went to get drunk at the office, they were both supposed to go to the game and drank to much the night before.
He did apologize but i still don't think he quite understands why I was so hurt by it. In his mind, he didn't spend any extra money and he still had fun so it shouldn't be a big deal. He doesn't get that it hurt my feelings that they decided to blow off a gift I spent money on that both of them agreed to time and date wise two weeks in advance.
@zombiehoohaa Thank you so much. It means a lot that you're proud, your comment made me cry! Sorry I'm two days late. I am so excited for you and everyone else to have your babies so I can read your birth stories. Even if it's scary, it really isn't as bad once you have that baby im your arms. Seeing River on my chest looking up at me was like the prize at the end of the race. Even though it's really just the beginning of the parenthood race! Lol.
@SmashJam I'm really sorry that you're going through this with your husband. I hope he gets help, he sounds depressed. I totally get why you're upset. I would be really hurt over something like that!
Re: Weekend randoms 6/8-6/10
Agreed with @zande2016 that the alcohol part is particularly problematic giving all the existing family issues you've had to deal with because of alcohol. I hope he comes around and apologizes soon, and also that he makes an effort to avoid situations like these in the future.
That being said, since we've had kids, whenever he wants to celebrate something it involves being able to "unplug from life" and do his own thing. So like, he'll talk to his friends on gchat and drink beer if I'm here, and practically ignore me, or he'll go downstairs and play video games, or he'll invite his bro over and they'll do their thing. I think it has to do with being able to relax, which I get, but it still hurts. It's never like, let's go get some pizza and celebrate together its like, lets go get some beer so I can celebrate and then make the rest of you miserable the following day. So really, its not super new behavior.
My two cents is personally that whatever is going on with him should be a priority for him to figure out. For the sake of you as well as his children, and then himself also. If he suffered libido issues as a result of the meds then maybe he should talk with his Dr about trying something new, especially if otherwise they helped. Usually getting to the Dr to even open up about that is very hard for men, so the fact that he's done that part of it should be reassuring. Remember in all of this that you have to take care of yourself too. It's really easy to get so caught up in daily life of being a mother to a toddler, the anxiety of being nearly 9 months pregnant, trying to get last minute things done prior to that, and feeling like your doing it alone when your H is there just disconnected. It's so hard without adding the stress of your husband to the mix. Encourage him to get the help you know he needs and set some pretty strict boundaries for your own sake. Let him know what's expected of him and offer to be the support he needs while still giving yourself time for YOU!
Seriously I have been there dealing with PTSD following my husband's deployment and it's so incredibly hard to find a balance and remember you need to focus on your own health too. It's so easy to get consumed and lose sight of that. So many hugs to you and seriously thinking of you as you heal from hurt he's selfishly caused.
He did apologize but i still don't think he quite understands why I was so hurt by it. In his mind, he didn't spend any extra money and he still had fun so it shouldn't be a big deal. He doesn't get that it hurt my feelings that they decided to blow off a gift I spent money on that both of them agreed to time and date wise two weeks in advance.
@SmashJam I'm really sorry that you're going through this with your husband. I hope he gets help, he sounds depressed. I totally get why you're upset. I would be really hurt over something like that!