@knottieamusements Honestly, I didn’t connect with DS until after he was born (like days after). Of course I knew I loved my unborn baby and worried about him. But it wasn’t a real connection. It’s all so abstract. I knew there was a baby in there, but had no idea what it would really feel like to have a child. I thought maybe this time I’d connect more since I’ve been through it and know what that bond looks like once they are here. Nope. I guess I just need the physically baby in my arms (with a little help from the rush of hormones) to make that bond.
As for what I say when people ask, I lie. I say what I’m supposed to. Unless it were someone I knew would understand, I just smile and say we’re excited. It’s easier.
@knottieamusements I'm with you. I'm not really sure what 'connecting' means - I'm just in prep mode. That said, I'm also not worried about it because I know I'm excited and that's enough for me.
Sometimes I imagine that baby must love the music I'm listening to while I work out (out of humor - I listen to crap), is that even connecting, though?
Think my answer would be super indirect and a bit aloof...like 'yup, I'm in full prep mode and paying attention when baby moves!'
@knottieamusements I completely understand. It's still not "real" to me that I'm growing a child, even though I've seen him on an US and felt him move. I really don't think it will feel "real" until he's in my arms. I feel like connection is very physical, and not just a growing inside of me kind of physical. As in touching, feeling, smelling him. I can't wait for skin to skin, because it's one thing I love to do with DH. Just feeling his skin against mine helps me feel connected to him.
I also don't really understand why people always ask how baby is. Um, as far as I know he's still alive and kicking, so I guess he's good? Especially before you really start to feel them move. I can tell you how I am though! Tired, uncomfortable, excited, scared...
@knottieamusements I don’t think I would say that I “connected” with DS or with this baby while they were still in utero. Honestly, I’m not even sure that I know what that means. I mean obviously, I love the baby already and can’t wait to hold him in my arms, but with DS I’d say it wasn’t a real “connection” until I was holding him and looking into his little face. Sure, it’s amazing to see them on ultrasound, and it’s amazing to feel them moving and kicking as we get further along, but it’s honestly just not the same as when they’re actually born.
@knottieamusements I don't think I really feel connected yet either, I've had people ask me the same thing and I feel so awkward answering it. I've been told when you have time to sit and relax try reading books out loud to baby, talking to baby, singing even. I struggle to just talk out loud but I don't a lot in the car and hold/rub my belly. I have my ultrasound tomorrow and hoping that maybe helps a little with feeling more like a mom to be instead of a baby grower, but I also haven't felt any movement yet or what I can tell is movement...
What an odd thing to ask someone. For me, right now I've been thinking about this baby in terms of my DD becoming a big sister and being super excited about feeling like I'm "giving" my current child something. Which obviously isn't fair since this baby will grow up to be its own person and not just someone's sibling. I think, like @tinattt23 said, its so abstract still that that's the only way I can think about it and I know it will change once baby is here.
BFP #1: due 6/17/2013, DD born 6/25/13 BFP #2: due 6/30/2017, MMC found 12/7/2016 BFP #3: due 10/21/2018
These are babies 4 and 5. I don’t feel like I’ve “connected” with any of them until after they were born. I agree that it’s all pretty abstract before they’re here, maybe the fact that we’re always Team Green plays into that - if we knew the sex maybe names would feel more concrete and I’d be able to think of them more as “real people” rather than sort of abstract schrodinger-babies (girls/boys/other at the same time). Hope that makes sense and isn’t wildly offensive to anyone.
@sammierose464 my nips are way darker! Last pregnancy they went back to normal within a few months, even though I breastfed for two years.
@knottieamusements my first pregnancy I definitely did not feel “connected” until after DS was born. This pregnancy I definitely felt some connection seeing her picture at the AS. However, everyone is different and it’s completely normal to not feel connected right away.
I’m trying to think ahead to plan for family visiting in October, so question... how do I ask my mom to stay at a hotel instead of our house when she comes out to visit when the baby is born?? DH and I have discussed and we obviously want my mom and his parents to be here when the baby is born and to spend time with their new grandchild, but we want to have the house still to ourselves mostly when DH is taking time off work too, so we’re going to ask both sides to stay elsewhere. His parents will just stay at his sisters house which is no big deal, but I feel like my mom will be hurt that we don’t want her to stay at our house. Any suggestions for tactfully discussing this without hurting feelings?
So glad I’m not alone in not feeling “connected.” Whatever that even means. I mean duh I love him and am excited to meet/hold him but I don’t know him yet as a person! I honestly don’t expect that to change until I hold him. This will be my first child and I’ve felt like a shitty mom for not feeling like I think I’m supposed to so I’m glad this is more common than I thought.
TW** I had attributed it to a natural reaction because of our previous losses but sounds like that’s not necessarily the case. End TW**
@pumpkinpancake I think that totally depends on your relationship with her and financial implications. While I'm all for protecting your own space and doing what is best for your household first, if it's going to be costly for her, then I'd see if there was any way she could stay with you or that you could pay for her to stay somewhere else.
Our friends in NE had their parents rent an airbnb for not much (though I think the parents offered.)
@cdepperschmidt@chopchop25 thanks for the replies. We don’t really want money playing a factor, so we’d definitely offer to pay for all or part of her stay, though I’m 100% certain she’d never accept (she’s constantly trying to pay for things when she comes to visit or buy things for us, and I always have to try and convince her not to.)
I don’t really know exactly how long she’d be planning to stay out here, though. She doesn’t work, so she’s totally flexible with timing and such.
@pumpkinpancake One other thought, are your in laws close? If so - can your mom stay at your SIL's?
I'm not the best at advice because my mom gave me crap for just saying that I would NOT pick her up at the airport at 11pm with a newborn baby (she settled back down after), but I'm SO glad I stood my ground. Perhaps just say that you would love to have her out here but you and H also want the house quiet and to yourselves during that time, so you understand if she doesn't want to have to find a hotel or something and wants to come another time. I think that way she gets the option and can chime in and say 'oh I won't mind a hotel,' rather than you saying 'well, we want you here at this time but you can't stay with us.'
@pumpkinpancake Do your parents and in-laws know one another or enjoy each other's company, by chance? Maybe they should rent an AirBNB together! My folks always opt for renting a place so that they have a kitchen and in the case of visiting for a month when the baby comes, they can also bring their cat. It's usually waaaaay cheaper than a hotel and you have a more relaxing space! Even if your mom doesn't get along with the in-laws, I'm sure she'd be better off renting a place.
As for asking her to do so, in my experience...moms are more than accommodating and totally understanding.
On that note about parents staying with you....is it a good idea? So my mom lives out of the country, but she's going to fly in for the baby. My parents still have their house here, about 30 minutes away from me. She offered to stay in our guest bedroom while she's helping out, once DH goes back to work after a few weeks. She's also perfectly fine staying in her house as well, but was willing to stay with us if I needed help and if it was easier on us. (It's up to me, she was just offering) Is that necessary after 2-3 weeks? Or will I get just as much benefit if she comes over for a few hours during the day to help with the baby while I attempt to be a normal human being (shower/sleep/etc)? I don't want to make her essentially "work" full time at our house and commute back home because she's going to be fighting rush hour traffic, so potentially 1-1.5 hour drive each way.
@jemmerjams I'm so stoked that my folks are staying in a rental. Not because I don't love them or they annoy me, but because I'm pretty sensitive and introverted and need some dang space when I'm trying to work through new stuff. My parents plan to come over daily to help with the baby, do laundry, clean, and be generally helpful, but then they get to go do their own thing (they're introverts too!). We have pretty strong communicative skills in our family, so no one has hard feelings if they're asked to give me some space.
@pumpkinpancake anyway you can ask her if she'll come once your husband goes back to work? It will be nice to have the extra help. And yea depending on where you live and how long she'd stay, that could get expensive.
@chopchop25 my Mom is close/friendly with my SIL, but I think DH’s parents will probably be wanting to be out here around the same time, so they would already be staying with SIL and there’s not room for all of them there.
@sliztee, they do get along (they just all had dinner together last week out of the blue), but since my in-laws would otherwise have a free place to stay (at my SIL’s house), I don’t know if they’d want to pay to share an Airbnb, even though that would be helpful to my mom.
@hellopartyof5 honestly, I could never ask her to wait to come see her new grandson for a few weeks. It’s been hard enough on her since we moved across the country, so I wouldn’t want to deprive her of being able to see him right after he’s born, even if that would make things easier on us.
@pumpkinpancake- The only thing I would add to what the others have suggested is to make sure that you let her know that nobody is invited to stay with you. That way, she doesn’t feel left out. You and your DH might also think about what/how you are going to have all your parents over to keep the chaos down.
ETA: I am assuming that simply bringing tiny human home will be chaos- not implying that having parents visit is a source of chaos- although I think it could be...
Thank you to everyone who answered my question about connecting with tiny human in utero. I’m glad that I’m not alone in thinking it is an odd question and a thing that may just not happen for me.
@pumpkinpancake we asked my in-laws to stay at a hotel near by. Our justification for them was that we needed some space to figure out our new life as a unit of 3 and that nights were going to be unpredictable. We said it would stress us out knowing that their sleep might be disrupted because of the baby, and then said they needed to be well rested in case I needed a nap during the day. Those reasons helped them understand that it was the best situation for everyone.
Re: Questions 5/18
As for what I say when people ask, I lie. I say what I’m supposed to. Unless it were someone I knew would understand, I just smile and say we’re excited. It’s easier.
Sometimes I imagine that baby must love the music I'm listening to while I work out (out of humor - I listen to crap), is that even connecting, though?
Think my answer would be super indirect and a bit aloof...like 'yup, I'm in full prep mode and paying attention when baby moves!'
People are weird.
I also don't really understand why people always ask how baby is. Um, as far as I know he's still alive and kicking, so I guess he's good? Especially before you really start to feel them move. I can tell you how I am though! Tired, uncomfortable, excited, scared...
I have my ultrasound tomorrow and hoping that maybe helps a little with feeling more like a mom to be instead of a baby grower, but I also haven't felt any movement yet or what I can tell is movement...
BFP #2: due 6/30/2017, MMC found 12/7/2016
BFP #3: due 10/21/2018
@knottieamusements my first pregnancy I definitely did not feel “connected” until after DS was born. This pregnancy I definitely felt some connection seeing her picture at the AS. However, everyone is different and it’s completely normal to not feel connected right away.
TW** I had attributed it to a natural reaction because of our previous losses but sounds like that’s not necessarily the case.
End TW**
Our friends in NE had their parents rent an airbnb for not much (though I think the parents offered.)
I don’t really know exactly how long she’d be planning to stay out here, though. She doesn’t work, so she’s totally flexible with timing and such.
I'm not the best at advice because my mom gave me crap for just saying that I would NOT pick her up at the airport at 11pm with a newborn baby (she settled back down after), but I'm SO glad I stood my ground.
Perhaps just say that you would love to have her out here but you and H also want the house quiet and to yourselves during that time, so you understand if she doesn't want to have to find a hotel or something and wants to come another time. I think that way she gets the option and can chime in and say 'oh I won't mind a hotel,' rather than you saying 'well, we want you here at this time but you can't stay with us.'
As for asking her to do so, in my experience...moms are more than accommodating and totally understanding.
time, so they would already be staying with SIL and there’s not room for all of them there.
@sliztee, they do get along (they just all had dinner together last week out of the blue), but since my in-laws would otherwise have a free place to stay (at my SIL’s house), I don’t know if they’d want to pay to share an Airbnb, even though that would be helpful to my mom.
@hellopartyof5 honestly, I could never ask her to wait to come see her new grandson for a few weeks. It’s been hard enough on her since we moved across the country, so I wouldn’t want to deprive her of being able to see him right after he’s born, even if that would make things easier on us.
ETA: I am assuming that simply bringing tiny human home will be chaos- not implying that having parents visit is a source of chaos- although I think it could be...