The crazy judgement thread!

stothi · May 2018

I've seen this on a few other boards but didn't need it until now...

As parents and pregnant ladies it seems EvErYoNe has an opinion about how you do what you do and they feel like it's ok to tell you those opinions. What judgemental things have you heard as a parent or pregnant person?

Redpuma119 · May 2018

The correct amount of weight to gain.. if my dr is happy and baby is on track, there’s no need for discussion.

stothi · May 2018

Out driving with some relatives today and we saw a new bakery near my home. I got excited but then was told that I didn't need to remember that the bakery was there. As in, "don't eat that, you'll get fat." I was also reminded of how huge I was last time and how I'm not gaining too much weight yet this time and basically told not to ruin it. Um. I had severe pre-eclampsia. Not eating cake wouldn't have stopped the swelling. Eating a couple of cupcakes now won't give me pre-e. That's not how it works. And even if I was just fat cause I'm a pudgy piggie von pig face, it's none of your beewax! Let a girl eat!

I also shared a potential baby name- don't worry, won't make that mistake again- and the stink face my relative made was epic. Even if you don't like the name, don't be an ass about it! Clearly we do like it or we wouldn't have suggested it. You can just say, "eh, not my cup of tea, but it's your baby!"

stothi · May 2018

Redpuma119 said:

The correct amount of weight to gain.. if my dr is happy and baby is on track, there’s no need for discussion.

That was basically the judgement I received too! I think it's a really popular thing to comment on with pregnant women. But why!? Why for the love of all that's correct and good, why!?

MandyMost · May 2018

My mom is constantly commenting I’m not gaining enough weight.

People comment about how much it must stink to not have coffee...one cup it totally fine, but they judge that.

Some people are totally judgy that I’m doing too much...work, work travel, etc...never mind when I actual try to do some stuff around the house! So judgy, so annoying.

Oh, and they’re judgy that I plan to work up until I basically deliver. I have a desk job, and can work from home, why would I waste my leave?!

Redpuma119 · May 2018

@mandymost I could’ve written your post word for word! Not my mom though, she’s mellow with the weight gain. It’s others who have been pregnant before that assume I should be gaining more.
My work schedule has me on the road a lot- and yeah it can get extensive, but I’m taking good care of myself. I also plan to waddle into work until I have the baby and I get a lot of side eye for that. I also am toying with the idea of going back a few days a week after about 6 weeks.

nackie · May 2018

Ugh, so many opinions. I’m eating too much. I’m not eating enough. I’m gaining to much weight. I shouldn’t have caffeine or alcohol. I’m exerting myself too much. I’m not getting enough done around the house to prepare for the baby. I’m not getting enough sleep. I shouldn’t lift heavy things. I shouldn’t wear heels. I shouldn’t plan to work up until I go into labor, what if my water breaks at work? I should share the names we’re thinking of (even though last time I had to hear your opinions on how bad they were)
I just can’t win no matter what I do.

smsaulino · May 2018

I'm on the you're not gaining enough wagon... I hear it from everyone including DH. Darn it, you may be a resident doc but you're NOT my OB. The OB seems to be the only one happy with how much I've gained.

Also.. The coffee situation. It is too tempting to have it in the home, so now I only get it when I'm at the hospital. A tall iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks. I get so many stares and questions. Ugh. It's not even half of the caffeine limit for the day.

Got a salad with grilled chicken on it from the cafeteria the other day. The person in line behind me was like... Don't you realize there is a recall on romaine? Also.. Do you really think that chicken is sanitary to eat? I let her know that the recall had been dropped and got into another line real quick. The chicken is cooked on an open grill close to the line and I wasn't about to second guess myself with my lunch.

ashh2018 · May 2018

Ughhhh there’s a girl im fb friends with, we knew each other in college but weren’t friends then and aren’t now. Every time I post something she comments with some subtle judgement. It started a couple months ago when I said something about taking a bubble bath, and she said “sigh, lucky. My doctor said I couldn’t take baths when I was pregnant. I guess yours said it was ok?” Also posted a picture of a cheese plate and she made a comment about the Brie. Now I post pics and purposely use hashtags like “YesItsPasteurized”. Like yes bitch I’m good, thanks for your concern.

ashh2018 · May 2018

@MandyMost yes this too! I have a cup of coffee every morning. Ok’ed by my doctor, and every other doctor. Without it I get severe headaches.

yosemite2018 · May 2018

@ashh2018 I’m taking all the baths, eating tons of brie (my biggest craving), plus sushi every few weeks and even had tuna poke on vacation last week. I did ask my mom (nurse) if it’s ok first to make sure I wouldn’t get any judgement from her.

I’m not exercising enough, I’ve gained too much weight, I shouldn’t lift stuff, I need more sleep... yet if I say I need a nap or can’t pick up my daughter I get annoying looks. I can’t win.

ashh2018 · May 2018

@yosemite2018 I’m definitely not exercising enough. But ya know what? I’m learning that I need to do what’s right for my body. If I feel exhausted, I’m not going to feel better if I go to the gym.

smsaulino · May 2018

@ashh2018 I'd unfriend her sooo quick.

starla · May 2018

smsaulino said:

@ashh2018 I'd unfriend her sooo quick.

Yup! Unfriend!

adirat · May 2018

Unfriend! Unfriend!

I'm also in the "haven't gained enough weight" camp. So not interested in hearing about it (like I'm not already thinking about it myself?). Barf. Plus I had to explain to someone at work that having coffee or tea for the caffeine to cure a headache is safer than ibuprofen for a headache, while pregnant. Just stop giving advice if you think ibuprofen is safer than black tea! Geez.

Also, the romaine issue is over! The CDC said it's fine to eat romaine again because the shelf-life of affected lettuce has ended so salad it up!

klj0228 · May 2018

I apparently can’t push mow my lawn, even though the Dr said it was fine as long as I don’t do our back yard, because of the grade of the hill, and I take plenty of breaks for water. NEWS FLASH exercise is good for you when you’re pregnant just like when you aren’t.

Also, not allowed to carry anything. Once again, even though the Dr said it’s fine less than 35 pounds. And I hear all the time. I ate lunch meat when I was pregnant (30-40 years ago), I didn’t worry about any of the things you are worried about eating.

jaylii · May 2018

I went to brunch with friends a few weeks ago, including one friend that I'm not seeing as much recently because she can be a bit much. I order coffee and with the waitress standing there she says "oh my God you can't have coffee!" I immediately told her that yes, I can have a cup of coffee and she tried to back track and say she was just joking etc. I really didn't appreciate being called out by her in front of a table of friends and a waitress. My midwife has told me that up to 200mg a day is fine so I'm well within that amount with one cup of coffee.

jaylii · May 2018

@klj0228 I've also heard from people that they ate lunch meat when they were pregnant 30+ years ago. Uh, so things change, get over it!

My in laws have also been annoying and have told me multiple times that ultrasounds when my MIL was pregnant in the 80s were only done if something was wrong. It feels like their insinuating that I'm having unnecessary medical procedures done which is comical. I've had two standard ultrasounds so far. Everyone has ultrasounds done these days!

@ashh2018 @yosemite2018 I'm also eating soft cheeses that are pasteurized. I went to a conference in April and went with a group to a Spanish restaurant. It killed me not to eat the raw Spanish cheese that the table was sharing but I did it!

SkilledSailor · May 2018

@jaylii Ugh yes the coffee one is the only one I've gotten so far. Most annoyingly by men. Um, if you haven't been pregnant and/or consulted an OB/midwife about it then please stop telling me you're surprised to see me drinking coffee at our morning meeting.

I also get a lot of comments about how big my belly is. I honestly haven't gained that much weight. Right on track for about a 30lb total weight gain. I'm just short with a short torso so it sticks straight out. Doesn't make the comments sting any less though.

nlc8424 · May 2018

I've had several people tell me that I look really good, as if they're surprised. Also the whole now I'll have one of each comment so our family will be *perfect*. I haven't had much other judgment passed on me so far yet. I'm guessing that most people who know me know that I'm fairly knowledgeable and that I wouldn't knowingly do something to put me/baby at risk. Or maybe they just think I'm bitchy and know I'll snap back at them if they do say something hah.

Redpuma119 · May 2018

It's so funny to think that 40-50 years ago, women were told to gain no more than 15 pounds so that the baby would be small enough for birth, women had a few fingers of whiskey at night, smoked their cigarettes, etc etc.

magnolia209 · May 2018

@Redpuma119 Yes! I’ve been having amazing conversations with my 84 year old Grandma about all of this. She is not judgy at all (about this) and this is her first great-grandkid, so she is super supportive and wonderful, but she is fascinated by how different everything is now. Apparently they could drink as much coffee as they wanted when my Gma was prego with my Mom in the 50s. She was told to gain no more than 20 pounds. They had no ultra sounds, couldn’t go swimming, and it was uncool to breastfeed. She gained 20 pounds and lost it all (to which I reminded her that she was 21 and I am 34). And she breastfed because it was free (but her friends made fun of her and were judgy!). And, she didn’t tell me this, but I know she definitely smoked while pregnant with my Mom. My mom says this is why she is short! Grandma also claims that she had a changing table that doubled as a baby bath???

jaylii · May 2018

@magnolia209 My Mom has also always said that she's short because her Mom smoked while she was pregnant with her! haha

Wishilivedinflorida · May 2018

My mom was told to keep smoking in the 80's while pregnant with me because "quitting now would be more harmful to the baby." Thanks for that! (I'm average height, btw...

)

adirat · May 2018

@klj0228 Can't carry anything? What are women who already have a child supposed to do? Am I supposed to stop grocery shopping? That doesn't even make sense...

klj0228 · May 2018

@adirat lol...I know! Sorry H can’t go get groceries because people think I shouldn’t carry things. Seriously people say if you have to go get groceries without your H call and we will unload your car. If something feels heavy I don’t lift it, I wait on my H to get home.

Dont you all know pregnant women are supposed to just sit on the couch all day, eat bon bons without gaining to much weight and just grow this human. Your life must come to a stop for 10 months.

stothi · May 2018

@klj0228 omg, that's "favorite" of mine - "sit! Nap! Take it easy! Don't do any of the things! Eat! Now don't gain any weight."

stothi · May 2018

Oh, so a super judgment that I got early on this pregnancy was a couple of people basically saying what an idiot I was to get pregnant again when it almost killed me last time and that I was super extra stupid to do it while my husband was traveling for work. Uh. One, it's my body, my life, my risk, so if we want to try for another bio child then that's on us. Two, I had an iud. This pregnancy was totally a surprise as I thought I had some top notch birth control to rely on. I actually made efforts to not get pregnant at this time. What did they want me to do? Abort my baby? Well, yes. One person actually said I should get an abortion. Are you kidding me!? I get they are coming from a place of caring, cause my last pregnancy was rough and I guess one could consider it scary since technically I could have died, but life is risky and lots and lots of things *could* potentially kill you. That's why I had a doctor who, you know, doctored me and used modern medicine to make sure I was ok. Having pre-e once does increase your risk of having it again, but it doesn't guarantee it and no doctor or nurse even remotely hinted at it being bad for me to be pregnant again. We WANT this baby!!! No, the timing isn't perfect, but ultimately, is it ever? We'll figure it out. The baby is much loved and much wanted so back off folks!!!

Side rant/confession/whatever: I have a few health struggles in my day to day life and I'm a bit on the older side. It absolutely kills me though when people insinuate (or just straight out say) that I shouldn't have kids or shouldn't have more kids because I'm too old or not healthy enough or whatever. I'm a great mom!!! Obviously there's always room for improvement, but I'm genuinely a good parent. My husband and I are financially stable and we can provide for the child we have and could provide for a few more. My husband and I love and like babies and kids and want babies and kids. So what if I have a few health issues? Who doesn't!? I'm not sure I know anyone who legitimately doesn't have single physical or mental challenge on their plate. I have SO much to offer a child that it hurts to my core when people think a few health challenges or my age are bigger deciding factors in my worthiness to parent.

BostonBaby1 · May 2018

Ha! I don’t even hear the criticism or judgement anymore. I mostly let the good things filter through but literally every single day someone mentions how I’m “going to have your hands full.” Um, I have 2u2. I already have my hands full. Luckily we have sweet, easy babies and my DH is very hands on.

Wishilivedinflorida · May 2018

@BostonBaby1 Yeah, that’s mainly the comment I hear as well. Also, was this child planned? Because, you know, they will be 17 months apart.

I mean, sorta. We planned on actually trying in January but I had a late egg in December that we caught while kinda sorta NTNP/half-heartedly doing FAM. Not that that’s anyones business! But we knew it could happen and are thrilled.

TW After suffering two losses before DS, if you told me I’d be expecting 2u2 one day, I’d probably burst into tears of joy back then. /End TW

@stothi I’m so sorry about those comments. That’s just awful.

Patience7150 · May 2018

Yep @Wishilivedinflorida here too - took 11 months for a viable pregnancy with #1, and literally one night with #2 when we were still trying to decide if we should start ttc#2. I feel blessed this baby came so easily, and idgaf if some random person thinks they're too close.

BostonBaby1 · May 2018

***TW- losses mentioned***

I usually say “I didn’t have the luxury to choose spacing. And yes, we were trying.” I have lost 5 so I will take them and be *eta elated/happy no matter the spacing.

smsaulino · May 2018

@klj0228 DH had me go into Target last night to get groceries. We didn't need a lot of food, more like every single household item. I loaded them into cart, loaded them in checkout, loaded them into car and loaded all but bottled water and dog food into our second floor apartment. I wish DH would occasionally say "here, you've done enough. Take a seat. Eat some ice cream." Lol!!

AdmiralKitty · May 2018

My mother constantly worries about my unborn child’s caffeine withdrawal after birth due to my 2 cups of half-caf I drink a day. I dealt with this my entire last pregnancy as well and despite my numerous attempts to inform her that it’s perfectly safe and not impacting my baby. I’ve given up and just send her death glares whenever she says anything now.

Wishilivedinflorida · May 2018

@AdmiralKitty My hypothesis (not sure if you plan to BF or not) is that it’s good to start the caffeine train now so that when you need copious amounts to feel human when you are sleep deprived with a newborn, they handle it well in the BM!

klj0228 · May 2018

@smsaulino unfortunately it’s not my husband who thinks I shouldn’t lift a finger. He does give me some slack when I’m tired or not feeling well, but he thinks aside from anything too crazy I should be living life like normal.

MandyMost · May 2018

I forgot about the judgement in the spacing! My daughter will be 2 years 4 months when this one is born. People keep commenting that is really close! Ummm, No. my brother and I are 16 months apart, and most of the cousins and friends of the family we grew up with are even closer. Over 2 years is far apart in my world!

Also, I’ll be 37 when this one is born. How long do people think I should wait?!

DanyTargaryen · May 2018

Wishilivedinflorida said:

@AdmiralKitty My hypothesis (not sure if you plan to BF or not) is that it’s good to start the caffeine train now so that when you need copious amounts to feel human when you are sleep deprived with a newborn, they handle it well in the BM!

I wonder if there's any truth to this because I definitely had my cup a day with DS and he did just fine with caffeine in my breastmilk. I'm sure it's another every kid is different thing, but I wonder if it helps having been exposed to some in-utero.

knitknitread · May 2018

My MIL side eyes me for drinking pop while pregnant. She gave up coffee for all her pregnancies and thinks caffeine is evil for fetuses.

Any time someone notices that DD is missing three teeth, they get all judgemental and make comments about kids eating too much candy. Dude, listen, she got abscesses after falling and the trauma killed the roots of her teeth. Then she broke another on a fucking carrot. Fuck off with the judgement.

Babywearing was another one. People kept telling me that she would be spoiled with being held so much

People think it's weird that DD only drinks water. Kid just likes water and thinks everything else tastes weird :shrug:

I'm a terrible person for eating sushi while pregnant. I actually had a server ask me if I should be eating raw fish.

Ummm, people definitely got judgy over me being so sick for the first 19 weeks and getting thinner. Which is just like...ummm...I cannot help that and it's not like I enjoy being sick 24/7. You can just fuck off.

Oh and you can add MIL thinking that I should have been able to handle it with cashews and ginger and I didn't **need** medicine. DH kindly told her that I couldn't even handle thinking about food without running to the bathroom. Which is much nicer than me wanting to try to eat a cashew and throwing up on her. She still thinks I shouldn't have taken meds.

Oh, and BFing. There are so many opinions on breastfeeding. To do it or not. Is it ok in public? Covering or not. People start to side eye if you do it past a year. "How is DH supposed to bond with baby if he isn't helping with feeding?"

But yeah, pretty much any decision you make for the next 18+ years will be put under a microscope and everyone will think they are entitled to give an opinion on it. You know, because the same things work for everyone all the time.

BostonBaby1 · May 2018

@knitknitread

Team tell your MIL minimal amount of information and shut her down firmly the next time she gets on your back. Something like, “I’ve got this. I know where you stand and am going to make my own decisions for my own pregnancy. Thanks mom.”

stothi · May 2018

@knitknitread my kid drinks mostly water. He'll drink pretty much all the things and he likes them, but I mostly only offer him water. If he has cheese, fruit and veggies with his meat and grains at meal time why would he need anything other than water?

I get a ton of snark and side eye cause we don't really offer our toddler goldfish crackers or fruit snacks. He's had them, but we don't keep them in the house and they aren't a part of his regular diet. I'm a full-time sahm and I have plenty of time and energy (most days) to do a fruit or cheese or veggie for snack, so I do. We absolutely use some prepackaged bars and things for when we are out and about but I just don't see the need for crackers, chips, fruit snacks, ect most of the time when we are home.

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