Both partners should be making an informed decision when it comes to their child's body. I wouldn't rely solely on DF's opinion, especially if he had not done any research on the subject.
Ladybug - April 2013 Dandelion - October 2018 Angel "Aurora" - July 2020 Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021 Angel "Maxine" - January 2022 Angel "Violet" - March 2022 Baby Dove due March 2023
@SweetSweetTooth I agree that partners should get a voice in pregnancy issues, as long as it’s a polite and supportive voice. It was mostly the stomping and “you’ll regret it”-ing that seemed so uncool about the way her H was acting IMO.
No idea what we’ll do about circumcision. DH is and he thinks it’s cleaner, but I feel weird about altering LO’s body in a non-medically necessary way. Also I keep telling DH foreskin isn’t inherently unclean and then he keeps making dick cheese jokes, so there’s a reasonable chance I’m married to a 12 year old boy.
@SweetSweetTooth I don’t think the decision about an epidural is the same as the decision about circumcision, but that’s just me. While the decision to have an epidural or not does have an impact on your baby, it’s mostly a decision that will directly impact your birth experience. Regardless of epidural or not, if you’re in a hospital or birth center, the staff will do what they need to do to have a healthy delivery, so it’s not like choosing not to have an epidural would be any risk to the health of the baby. I don’t feel like it’s the place of the partner to feel like they can decide one way or the other when it’s not their body going through it. Circumcision on the other hand, does directly impact your baby, so I agree that should be a mutual decision.
I second @knottieamusements post and contemplated writing one like it myself, but if you guys have read the baby brain thread...then you know words aren’t my friend right now!
I felt pretty goddamn strongly about not cutting my baby’s foreskin off, and fortunately, my husband also felt like it is genitalia mutilation. We did discuss it, because he’s circumcised and didn’t know what the alternative would be like.
We generally agreed that if it wasn’t medically necessary, then it wasn’t for our kiddo. Thank goodness!
I agree that circumcision is a joint conversation. I lean one way, but I do defer to my husband more. In this case, he and SS are both the same and we want this boy to be the same. I truly see both sides of the argument.
With DS I let SO make that call. Admittedly I didn't do a lot of research on it and i felt he had the penis so he knew better than I did.
This is how I handled it too. I know that’s not everyone ideal, but I felt completely unknowledgable in that area. H choose to do it for faith based reasons, which i respect.
We discussed it briefly last time before we knew it was a girl, so it didn't get very deep. But that was one thing that my H mentioned that he was circumcised so he would want to do the same if we had a boy. He had done zero research on it and I hadn't either. If this one ends up being a boy then we will look into all possible choices and make an informed decision.
I'm with you 100% @sliztee. I don't understand it at all. It would be like my mom saying she wanted my labia to match hers. I've never compared my genitals to my family members'.
Ladybug - April 2013 Dandelion - October 2018 Angel "Aurora" - July 2020 Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021 Angel "Maxine" - January 2022 Angel "Violet" - March 2022 Baby Dove due March 2023
I told Dh I am deferring to him on circumcision, but he also is planning on doing a lot of research first. If I had a strong opinion I’d push for it but I honestly don’t.
Also I agree epidural is different and should be the woman’s decision. However I’d caution against researching all the bad side effects to bolster your argument, because what if you decide once you are in labor you might want one? Might just cause undue anxiety.
But this comes from a lady who requested an epidural at 3 cm, so I have the pain tolerance of a ... something with a super low tolerance. That being said, I ended up with forceps delivery and my ob was a firm believer in turning down the epidural drip once I was in active labor so I could feel what was happening. I still felt a whole lot, but the epidural took the edge off. But even with an epidural, the forceps delivery was still..., very unpleasant. I can’t imagine that part without some pain management.
@HoosOnFirst thank you for the suggestion! I want just enough info on both sides of the coin for DH to see that this is ultimately going to be my choice and that I have plenty of information to make the best decision, and that it's more than feeling pain or not. I think he has a really basic idea of an epidural so I think he just doesn't want me to be in pain and that the epidural is the best way for that, which may be true but I'd like him to know most of the possible outcomes from having an epidural as well.
@sliztee I always found that argument odd as well. There isn’t a 3 year old on the planet that’s going to look at their dad’s penis and then at their own and think “yep, those look exactly alike!” But I’m in Canada, and circ rates here are much lower than in the US - around 50%. DH is uncirc’d and so are our boys (and basically all the men on both sides of our families). So it wasn’t much of a discussion to agree to not circ.
@HoosOnFirst thank you for the suggestion! I want just enough info on both sides of the coin for DH to see that this is ultimately going to be my choice and that I have plenty of information to make the best decision, and that it's more than feeling pain or not. I think he has a really basic idea of an epidural so I think he just doesn't want me to be in pain and that the epidural is the best way for that, which may be true but I'd like him to know most of the possible outcomes from having an epidural as well.
Totally hear ya. I’d definitely let him know that an epidural does not mean you don’t feel anything so if that’s his reasoning, it’s not accurate.
I’ve read/heard that said frequently; a man wants his son’s penis to look the same as his.
For some reason, that weirds me out and no matter how much I discuss it with others...I still don’t understand the reasoning.
Does that make sense? Has anyone discussed that with their husband?
Yes, this was my husband’s first reaction. His reasoning was basically that he didn’t want to field a “why does mine look different?” question from LO. I think that’s a minor consideration, and also I’d be pretty surprised if the little guy asked. He agreed that it was a little thing once we talked it through, and a pretty easy question to field. He is still worried about his son looking different from his friends, and teasing that could ensue. All of H’s friends growing up were apparently circumcised.
DH had the worry about not matching DS as well and that was his primary reason for wanting it done. (Also I totally got dick cheese jokes from him while I was pregnant as well)
But once I made him watch YouTube videos of the procedure and sent him some literature it took very little time for him to agree with me that it was not going to be a procedure we would choose to inflict on our newborn son.
I’m obviously (and fairly vocally) pro-leaving boy’s intact but I think the more important point is to make an informed choice - don’t choose circumcision because of cosmetic reasons only without looking into the pros and cons.
I find it interesting when I talk to people about epidurals. I've had people tell me they were numb for the whole thing, others tell me the dr lowered the dose when it came time to push. I've heard some say it makes you groggy and slightly out of it, and others tell me it doesn't at all. I think it goes to show that everyone's experience is different and it's something you need to be well informed of and talk to your dr about you concerns.
@DunkinDecaf My husband is worried about being "teased in the locker room".
To which I respond:
A.) Who wasn't teased in the locker room. B.) Circumcision is on the decline in the US. I'm hoping by the time our little one is comparing dicks, there will be a wide array of them (ya know, like there always has been).
@slitzee yeah I’d be surprised if the locker room is as homogenous when LO gets to it as it was when we were in school. Also seems worth mentioning that about 60% of H’s friends were Jewish. I’m sure not everyone in our class was circumcised. Regardless I always thought it was weird that he knew that about his friends. I mean, we didn’t have communal showers or anything so... why were they chatting about that shit? Kids are so weird.
@sliztee I asked our pediatrician during our prenatals interview what percentage of their newborns are circumcised now. I know the rate is on the decline, but I was curious what it really is for my local area. It was still really high. Like almost all. So I think region plays a part in those statistics.
@DunkinDecaf after being around so many fraternity guys, nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to guys and their penises. They share some weird stuff...
I've only been with one guy who's been intact. It didn't bother me at all, and when they're erect you can barely tell.
I've been with several guys who were uncut and it didn't bother me at all. I actually liked it. That being said, I did a lot of research on it. I ended up hearing too many stories from people I knew that basically involved their pedis not even being educated enough to know not to push the foreskin back until it does it on it's own. Because of that, they had to have their boys circumcised as toddlers and young boys. It was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. That bothered me more than circumcising at a day old when he won't even remember it. He was completely unfazed by it... he actually slept through it.
Also, Stabby Wednesday over here. Every year that Mother's Day falls on our weekend, E's mom has to work and I get to keep him. Well this year she got it off... and waited until today to ask if she could have him on Sunday. I was so psyched to get him since he'll be 18 this year and it's the last Mother's Day with him as a kid, you know? I wouldn't care, except that she waited until last minute. E and H were already making plans for me. Everyone's pissed. Fingers crossed my son can make time for me next year when our family is complete. I'd love to spend next Mother's Day with all 3 kids.
just throwing in "my" story here (totally not mine)...but my dh decided to get circumcised at age 20. for someone who cares surprisingly little what other people think (like, if that can be to a fault? although i tend to wish i pushed more that way myself) it really did always bother him that he looked "different" than his friends and his dad. he did a lot of research into it though at that point, which helped us have a starting off point for research when it came to making the decision for our own kids. i am not pushing anyone one way or the other, just sharing that the "looking different" thing, while i agree with others seems like a stretch, apparently really does hold weight for some at least. it was not ultimately our deciding factor for our littles, but since people have brought it up i thought i would throw that in from at least one perspective.
I see that as a good example for why I wouldn't circumcise. It's not my decision to make (unless there's a genuine health problem, like frequent UTI's or something of the like).
i will preface this by stating that i am all for you doing you when it comes to delivering a baby, and that personally i am a huge fan of epidurals, and my negative experience with them has not changed that at all. but @mamabearcj ...just thought i would share my not so great epidural story so you have that in your "arsenal" so to speak (or so that you are aware that it is a possible, though fairly uncommon, issue). oh, and story in spoiler for those who are squeamish about epidurals...
with my youngest i had a small leak caused by my epidural. was not aware of it until after baby was born, but then i started getting a terrible headache that quickly escalated to the point that i could not sit up (having my head elevated even slightly made it immediately worse, which is how they knew what it was from). they ended up having to do an epidural blood patch (which sounds terrible, but is really just where they inject your own blood through the epidural to patch the leak). i had it once in the hospital but ended up back in for another the night we came home because the first did not work completely (which they had let me know was a possibility).
no lasting effects, but the headaches were pretty painful and certainly interfered with my first couple of days with baby as i was basically flat on my back the whole time.
Not common, but i also was not aware of the possibility, or at least of what it really meant, so just sharing. But again, i still will most likely have an epidural this time, and have had several others with no issues at all (i had one with one of our other littles, and also because narcotics make me violently ill they used that in place of pain medication when i had surgeries on my intestines).
I see that as a good example for why I wouldn't circumcise. It's not my decision to make (unless there's a genuine health problem, like frequent UTI's or something of the like).
yup. while it was not a fun procedure at that age, he was able to make the decision for himself and does not regret that his parents did not...even though he ultimately decided to do it.
@norahkate I'm sorry you had to deal with that but I'm glad you shared! I had no idea that that was a possibility so when I started to get a headache a few hours after delivery I didn't know why the nurse was so worried. I figured it was because I hadn't slept or ate in almost 48 hours. She then explained what it could be from and gave me a percocet and told me she'd be back to check on me. Thankfully it helped some and wasn't from the epidural.
I just want to say how amazed I am that we are having a civil, educated conversation on circumcision. In some other apps, this discussion is super intense with a lot of graphic descriptions and name calling and shaming and trolling on both sides. So immature!
But then again, I'm not surprised because I think this group handles touchy subjects well.
Today on the radio they were talking about cerebral spinal fluid leaks. One lady called in and said she got one for an epidural.
I had an epidural with DS and plan to do it again. The only thing I want to do differently is let them turn it down when it is time to push. I was too scared to turn it down and I couldn’t feel a thing.
Also, Stabby Wednesday over here. Every year that Mother's Day falls on our weekend, E's mom has to work and I get to keep him. Well this year she got it off... and waited until today to ask if she could have him on Sunday. I was so psyched to get him since he'll be 18 this year and it's the last Mother's Day with him as a kid, you know? I wouldn't care, except that she waited until last minute. E and H were already making plans for me. Everyone's pissed. Fingers crossed my son can make time for me next year when our family is complete. I'd love to spend next Mother's Day with all 3 kids.
I'm a little jealous you guys sometimes get him. It's our weekend, but BM will get him at 8:30am on Sunday. Today was also "Mornings with Mom" at school, I'd love if one year she invited me to come along. Won't hold my breath... Thankfully DH always makes me feel special on Mother's Day.
@sammierose464 I'm sorry you've never gotten him for Mother's Day. I didn't think I ever would, I was shocked that first year she let me keep him. Maybe once your SS gets older, she'll learn to be more flexible. Or he can request to spend it with you. We're going to celebrate on Saturday and try to ignore Sunday all together... but it still stings. Hugs!!
@krzyriver we usually find a way to celebrate on another day. DH usually takes him to buy me a small gift, which makes me very happy. This is only my 3rd Mothers Day with him.
Being a step mom, without bio children, is very hard during mother's day. SS's nana (BMs mom) went to breakfast with them this am and SS made them both gift. I know better than to ask questions (I asked if nana went to breakfast), because it just ended with me in tears.
I really can't wait until next Mother's Day when I'm a "real mom".
@sammierose464 In my opinion, you're already a real mom. You should feel free to celebrate Mother's Day as you see fit. You're gestating another human being right now and that deserves recognition!
Ladybug - April 2013 Dandelion - October 2018 Angel "Aurora" - July 2020 Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021 Angel "Maxine" - January 2022 Angel "Violet" - March 2022 Baby Dove due March 2023
Here here @mytrueloves! This pregnancy stuff can be hard! One day to celebrate, recognise, how tough it is? I say, bring on the cake! Or whatever else it is you want that day!
Re: Stabby Saturday
Dandelion - October 2018
Angel "Aurora" - July 2020
Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021
Angel "Maxine" - January 2022
Angel "Violet" - March 2022
Baby Dove due March 2023
No idea what we’ll do about circumcision. DH is and he thinks it’s cleaner, but I feel weird about altering LO’s body in a non-medically necessary way. Also I keep telling DH foreskin isn’t inherently unclean and then he keeps making dick cheese jokes, so there’s a reasonable chance I’m married to a 12 year old boy.
Please take the time to research the pros and cons and carefully consider why you are choosing to do this.
And yes, while women may not have penises, we do have comparable anatomy. The clitoral hood is the same structure as the foreskin.
Men can and do choose to be circumcized later in their life as teenagers or adults.
I felt pretty goddamn strongly about not cutting my baby’s foreskin off, and fortunately, my husband also felt like it is genitalia mutilation. We did discuss it, because he’s circumcised and didn’t know what the alternative would be like.
We generally agreed that if it wasn’t medically necessary, then it wasn’t for our kiddo. Thank goodness!
For some reason, that weirds me out and no matter how much I discuss it with others...I still don’t understand the reasoning.
Does that make sense? Has anyone discussed that with their husband?
Dandelion - October 2018
Angel "Aurora" - July 2020
Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021
Angel "Maxine" - January 2022
Angel "Violet" - March 2022
Baby Dove due March 2023
But this comes from a lady who requested an epidural at 3 cm, so I have the pain tolerance of a ... something with a super low tolerance. That being said, I ended up with forceps delivery and my ob was a firm believer in turning down the epidural drip once I was in active labor so I could feel what was happening. I still felt a whole lot, but the epidural took the edge off. But even with an epidural, the forceps delivery was still..., very unpleasant. I can’t imagine that part without some pain management.
But I’m in Canada, and circ rates here are much lower than in the US - around 50%. DH is uncirc’d and so are our boys (and basically all the men on both sides of our families). So it wasn’t much of a discussion to agree to not circ.
Yes, this was my husband’s first reaction. His reasoning was basically that he didn’t want to field a “why does mine look different?” question from LO. I think that’s a minor consideration, and also I’d be pretty surprised if the little guy asked. He agreed that it was a little thing once we talked it through, and a pretty easy question to field. He is still worried about his son looking different from his friends, and teasing that could ensue. All of H’s friends growing up were apparently circumcised.
But once I made him watch YouTube videos of the procedure and sent him some literature it took very little time for him to agree with me that it was not going to be a procedure we would choose to inflict on our newborn son.
I’m obviously (and fairly vocally) pro-leaving boy’s intact but I think the more important point is to make an informed choice - don’t choose circumcision because of cosmetic reasons only without looking into the pros and cons.
To which I respond:
A.) Who wasn't teased in the locker room.
B.) Circumcision is on the decline in the US. I'm hoping by the time our little one is comparing dicks, there will be a wide array of them (ya know, like there always has been).
I've only been with one guy who's been intact. It didn't bother me at all, and when they're erect you can barely tell.
i am not pushing anyone one way or the other, just sharing that the "looking different" thing, while i agree with others seems like a stretch, apparently really does hold weight for some at least. it was not ultimately our deciding factor for our littles, but since people have brought it up i thought i would throw that in from at least one perspective.
I see that as a good example for why I wouldn't circumcise. It's not my decision to make (unless there's a genuine health problem, like frequent UTI's or something of the like).
but @mamabearcj ...just thought i would share my not so great epidural story so you have that in your "arsenal" so to speak (or so that you are aware that it is a possible, though fairly uncommon, issue). oh, and story in spoiler for those who are squeamish about epidurals...
But then again, I'm not surprised because I think this group handles touchy subjects well.
@norahkate Thanks for sharing your story!
Today on the radio they were talking about cerebral spinal fluid leaks. One lady called in and said she got one for an epidural.
I had an epidural with DS and plan to do it again. The only thing I want to do differently is let them turn it down when it is time to push. I was too scared to turn it down and I couldn’t feel a thing.
I really can't wait until next Mother's Day when I'm a "real mom".
Dandelion - October 2018
Angel "Aurora" - July 2020
Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021
Angel "Maxine" - January 2022
Angel "Violet" - March 2022
Baby Dove due March 2023
DD 3/15/12
DD 6/3/14
#4 Due 10/26/18!