Mental health check in 2/27

hillbillywife · March 2018

@SmashJam could be! My H works all the time too. It’s definitely hard some days (*ahem*, lots of days lol)

stillcozy · March 2018

@wildtot sending you so so many hugs. I will only have my husband for 2 weeks tops after baby is born so I totally feel your fear and panic

wildtot · March 2018

@zombiehoohaathank you!
@lindsayleigh1989 I’m sorry to hear that! Hope we both end up with being experiences this time.

Susan2685 · March 2018

Just catching up all on the posts-
dont ever feel bad for yelling- we all do this sometimes- yes it’s not the mom we want to be but it happens. When my patience and anger got out of hand that’s when I started anxiety medication. My anxiety switched from feeling sick to having no patience and yelling at my kids- after meeting with my psychologist I learned I can control my patience instead of worrying I will yell at my kids.
My husband has not taken a lot of time off- I think he was home 1 day with my first and a week with my second because ds2 was born on dec 25- so it wAs easy to get time off. He has a job where taking time off will hurt him professionally. Ds2 had colic and crazy health concerns and life was so terrible for the first 4 months. I do not get along with my family and my inlaws like to give tons of space - it’s a weird situation now. They can be here if called but not just to generally help. So I feel your pain and I worry about ppd and ppa- that is why I’m off work so early.
update on me- I think maybe I’m getting a bit more excited about having this baby. Dh and I seem to be improving but it’s hard. I have always had him being the rock in my life and knowing he has caused me so much emotional pain has really upset me - I sort of feel like I can’t rely on him but I know I can. It’s very weird having him ask me if he can hug me or knocking before he comes into our room. I believe we will get through this and so does my psychologist. I started walking yesterday on the treadmill - trying to get in 10,000 steps a day hopefully this helps with my energy level and makes me feel less bad about gaining weight.

zombiehoohaa · March 2018

Been feeling really angry and am unable to pinpoint exactly what's the cause. I'm finding myself slacking off at work, the feeling of not caring. I don't see my therapist until the end on April. Trying really hard to work through this on my own, however the struggle is there. I'm finding it hard to interact on most things, including my relationship with dh. I miss being on all my medications and feeling more balanced. The lamotragine I'm on, has taken the edge off but not by much. Sigh. All I can do it keep trying.

SmashJam · March 2018

@zombiehoohaa I'm sorry you're dealing with this! Did you ever read that article that was going around for awhile about women who are anxious snapping and being angry a lot? It was Scary Mommy so I don't think there was a lot of information, just someone's POV and struggle, but maybe that could be your cause and it would be easier to pinpoint the cause of anxiety over the cause of anger. Unfortunately, the only thing working for non medicated me when I feel a spiral coming (either anger or anxiety) is constant self talk and deep breaths about whether or not what seems to be causing the anger is a reason to get my panties in a twist, and sometimes that takes multiple tries and doesn't even adequately do the job. Hang in there!

wildtot · March 2018

I tend to get angry and snap quickly too. It’s been so hard to get out of it but i think I’m doing better. But it’s sad (and frustrating) that DH things I’m always mad now even when I’m not. It’s his perception of me these days. To him i have no other moods other than mad or attitude. It’s hard coming back from all that but i personally feel like I’m slowly getting better, if only he could see that.

noideawhatshesdoing · March 2018

@zombiehoohaa @wildtot I find my anxiety can manifest as anger/irritation too if it isn't pushing me to my OCD tendencies. I've definitely been snappy lately (let's be honest, I've been a bitch) and have a big fat case of "I do not care" when it comes to work. My doc and I have been talking about me going back on meds, but I never liked the way I felt on those before. Some days are harder than others for sure.

What has been helping me is physical activity (not always easy these days), but even a walk for 10 minutes to clear my head and build up some serotonin. Like @SmashJam said, a lot of self talk and deep breaths help too. Sorry you're dealing with these feelings, its not easy, but remember this is a temporary state and we're halfway or more than halfway through it.

If nothing else, you're not alone.

moguippy · March 2018

Snipped:
noideawhatshesdoing said:

I've definitely been snappy lately (let's be honest, I've been a bitch)

You are definitely not alone on that one! I've been so snappy too

zombiehoohaa · March 2018

Thanks ladies! It definitely feels good knowing I'm not alone in this. @SmashJam I haven't read that article, however I'm going to look it up now! Thank you!
I've been making sure to get up and walk, just to clear my head. However, my thoughts are not my own and its even more challenging. @wildtot your dh sounds a lot like mine! He literally thinks I'm always in a negative state and mean.

SmashJam · March 2018

@zombiehoohaa I was going to post the article here but I googled "scary mommy anxiety anger" and like, 6 good articles came up! I couldn't decide on one!

Susan2685 · March 2018

Are you guys all super happy about baby- this baby was planned and I was super happy but after having pneumonia for 11 weeks and then problems with DH sometimes I feel like it’s a disaster. I want to be so happy and excited and keep on thinking getting into my old baby stuff will help me but I don’t want to do it when I’m in a weird mood. Thoughts? My ob knows I’m not super thrilled about being pregnant and says it’s completely normal given what has happened between DH and me.

hillbillywife · March 2018

My H always thinks I’m mean too @wildtot. It’s definitely a blow when you think you’re feeling okay or you’re trying really hard to hang on and the only thing H has to say to me is “mama is is mean all the time.”

@zombiehoohaa I’ve definitely been extra irritable lately too. Especially with the kids. I feel bad for having zero patience with them.

I had a meltdown on Saturday. This winter has given me a lot of puke anxiety. Puke on the carpet especially. I lost it after like the 4th puke episode on the carpet instead of any attempt to get to the toilet or anywhere easier to clean. DH made me leave the house to calm down, which was nice of him, but I was too upset to enjoy it. He said he didn’t want me to be around my DS because he didn’t want me to hurt him. I would never hurt him. It hurt me that he’s say something like that.

In better news though I’ve got an intake appointment with a therapist next week. It’s my first time ever meeting with a therapist and I’m really excited and nervous to finally have a way to get help.

wildtot · March 2018

@hillbillywife glad you got an appointment so quickly. I’ve always struggled with get quick appointments with new therapists. Your husband should be careful with saying that. It can be very hurtful and makes you wander how they see you in those time you need their support the most. They definitely don’t think before they speak.

Susan2685 · March 2018

That’s terrible that he said that. Really not something you should be hearing. For me I was always so anxious of the fear of hurting my kids- my therapist said this was an anxiety and people that do hurt their children don’t worry about it. It’s now never a concern of mine.

hillbillywife · March 2018

@wildtot I had called last week to get an appointment and they called me back yesterday. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from them again lol. But I’m grateful that I got in!

And I agree, sometimes he doesn’t think. To be fair sometimes I don’t either and I’m sure I’ve said hurtful things before too.

Susan2685 · March 2018

Have you guys had postpartum doulas before?

wildtot · March 2018

@Susan2685 i looked into them with DS but it was way too expensive. I’m just depending on my family to help with cooking, cleaning, etc so i can focus on baby and get a few naps in between. I haven’t check the cost for this area.

Susan2685 · March 2018

My situation is- dh works in s job that he can’t take any more than a week off. My inlaws will have visitors staying with them from England ( Dh’s sister’s family with 2 small children). This was the case with my second and we didn’t get any help. Even though I had told them I needed help and that it was something I missed a lot for my first. I don’t have a good relationship with my mother- she kind of goes in and out of bad mood states- she has been excellent for 4 years but has been spirally down ( even so she brought up a meal while I was in the hospital with my second and that was it.) We would really have to save for a doula but maybe it would be worthwhile. I’m so jealous of everyone who has lots of family support- I wish I had it. With my first we got home and we’re overwhelmed and decided to order take out. My second had colic and many health concerns and the first 4 months were beyond difficult

wildtot · March 2018

@Susan2685 sorry to hear that! I would personally love it because I feel like they would come with an unbiased perspective and you know they are there to help you. Our family, although supportive, can be very opinionated and i hate it. I am setting some strong boundaries this time around. They are there to help not to judge me or act like i should be hosting them like a vacation.

hillbillywife · March 2018

@Susan2685 my husband most likely won’t take any time off. My mom has come to visit with my first two but she isn’t a whole lot of help. I think that if you’re worried about it then it’d definitely be beneficial to save for a postpartum doula to help you out some.

Susan2685 · March 2018

We talked about it when he came home for lunch- she costs $25/hour. We might look into a few 4 hour chunks - it will probably be worth it. We also discussed asking my mom- we are not there yet- but to be honest she will probably be a big help if she comes

hillbillywife · March 2018

@Susan2685 your mom might not realize that you’d love her help or that she’s needed! I hope you figure something out!

Susan2685 · March 2018

My mom would come to help the only issue is she has huge mental health issues and borderline psychosis- she has been pretty good the past few years but has been having difficult since about December. She was very mean over Christmas and finding out I was pregnant but I visited last weekend and she wasn’t so bad. ( she was upset I was pregnant called me dumb for having a third, said she wouldn’t attend my gender reveal... in the past has lied about having cancer, miscarriages-)It’s hard to commit to having her around when I don’t know what state she will be in.

SmashJam · March 2018

Last night I had a moment with DH. We have fought at night the last three nights, two of those nights over beer. Not that he is getting hammered or anything but I bought him 4 beers on Friday and told him that as I got further in the pregnancy and I missed beer, I realized i should be less of a bitch about buying it because I liked buying new beers and we should come up with a budget so I stop mentioning the cost-by the time the month is over I will have spent $200 buying beer just for him, so obviously the cost is going to go up with me if he doesn't cool it. He was like, why do we have to talk about beer every time we buy it, it ruins the fun. And I was like, well, our beer buying is ramping up a lot and you drank a lot last weekend so I'm getting nervous. Before that I wasn't mentioning it really because you weren't drinking as much. So, I went to bed at 7:30 Friday night crying and he stayed up a little later and went to bed after me, which happens basically every Friday and I hate it for the most part. Yesterday, he got up after dinner, stretched and said he was going to get more beer, but didn't want to piss me off. I said, do what you gotta do, but the amount of beer we're buying is really setting off our budget. And he was like, "If we set a budget like you said, $100 every pay period for me to spend on gas and whatever I want, I'd be in the budget. $140 on beer $60 on gas. I don't do anything else for fun. You take G out to museums and go out to eat and this is all I have." Um, a) taking G to museums and gymnastics class is for him. I don't get to do anythign that's just me and spend $140 a month on it. PLUS its not healthy for your only fun thing all week to drink 8 beers alone over the two weekend nights. Anyway, at one point I left with my son becuase I couldn't be in the house, it just seems like I am the cause of everything unhappy for him. I came back pretty quick because my son picked up on the anger I had and started bawling, but at the end of the night before he went to bed I said, "Basically, it just hurts that you can't make 1 four pack last a week while I heal my anxiety about drinking because of my family. It makes me feel like you don't love me enough to stop this, you push back so much. I know you aren't an alcoholic so its like this is a choice for you. " He got angry, didn't even say, "Of course I love you, how silly," and give me a hug, reassure me, he got MAD and said nothing he did would ever be enough, and went to bed at 7:30. I slept on the couch.

My big long book of a story is above. DH and I are basically in a big fight that escalated over beer and my anxity around it. I don't know how I'd get to therapy during the week with DS, and no one does after hours or Saturday. I think I am gonna start going to Al-Anon meetings. I don't know why booze gets me so worked up, but it does, and DH is not willing to help me through my issues because talking about my feelings makes him feel like, "He never gets to relax, and he catches shit at home and at work." I found a couple around me that are after DS goes to bed. This means my two nights out a month are La Leche and Al-Anon. I'm such a wild child. Woooooo.

wildtot · March 2018

@SmashJam aw I’m so sorry. We have those nights/days too and it isn’t easy trying to bring up a topic or concern that involves them without then getting offended or upset. Do you have any friends or family who can watch your son so you can go to therapy? Also sometimes the crisis groups have counselors that do weekends. I had to do that because the next available appointments were within a month and i couldn’t wait.
I can totally understand your concern with drink with the family struggles you have shared. Especially if the spending is going up. Do you sit down together and budget stuff out? Would it help if you budget for your personal self care, son activities, and eating out/beers?
I’ve had a hard time establishing a budget with DH. He loves to eat out, spend on his dog, and has super expensive hobbies. He latest compromise was selling a gun he doesn’t use to build an RC car (i think that’s what it’s called) pulls his spending money. Now we got a random refund check from property taxes and he says “oh i can use it for Emma (dog)”. Like really? What about me? What about saving?
Its sad to admit that unfortunately our “fun” stuff have to be things we have to do, not necessarily fun random activities.
hang in there and i hope you can work out seeing someone on your own. *hug*

SmashJam · March 2018

@wildtot thanks we've been fighting for a few days now so it just felt so horrible. I should check and see if someone like a crisis counselor had weekends available I am really just assuming that they don't. I just know people whose husbands are so good at talking through emotions and I just wish mine could do that sometimes without taking it personally! Like, I'm trying to better myself why can't you grow and learn something new too?? We do budget, we have a somewhat strict grocery budget that we brought down after some unexpected expenses, but his issue is "this is the only money he spends." Like he doesn't think about what I am spending money on, just that I am spending it, and doesn't stop to think that its for DS and not myself 90% of the time, or for us as a family. He did apologize today and say that he loved me and he and we both cried so I feel better but no sorrys from him, I think its still frustrating that its a thing. I really do enjoy buying beer, but his excess is what gets me. Like, even today we were talking about a sun porch and I'm like, "Oh maybe we could do it next after we do the bathroom, just where the deck is." and he was like, "No I want it the whole length of the house or nothing." That's like, 9-1100 sq ft of sunroom. that's insane, and so out of budget any time in the future. We buy pretzels and they are gone in a day. We buy chips they are gone before I get any. It's like, I can make food last til the next budget day you should be able to too! I told him on the next payday we are thinking about what we have extra and setting a spending limit.

AH thanks for letting me vent! lol.

wildtot · March 2018

@SmashJam sounds like my husband on spending for big house projects. It’s so exhausting to go through those conversations because i just want a month or two without major spending. I’ve actually told DH how it’s nice to see some supportive husbands out there and he responded “well good for them, that’s not me” uh ok thanks for nothing. But he has been getting better but it’s been a slow process. When he apologizes i ask him why because i don’t just want to make up and move on to the next time it happens. Having him say it out makes me feel that he at least understands why I’m am hurt.
Same issue with snacks- he got a whole pack of Oreos on Friday night, gone by lunchtime sat and i only got 4. It’s not surprising but i normally just “joking” comment on it.

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